from my own childhood, the item i remember most that seemed to serve no other purpose than to gross out those around you was ‘garbage pail kids’ collectible cards. designed as sort of an “eff you” to both the baseball cards our fathers once collected and, obviously, the ‘cabbage patch kid’ mania sweeping the nation in the mid 1980s, these cards were the must-have item when i was eleven. each card featured a cartoon image of a child experiencing some sort of trauma, torture, fatal injury or performing some similarly heinous act themselves. under that picture would be the child’s name, which was usually some sort of bad pun, rhyme or alliteration. a good example of this is ‘blown joan.’

there were usually two variations of each card, each with the same image but a different name (e.g. ‘blown joan’ is also known as ‘curly shirley’). the cards pretty much grossed out anyone who saw them (including the kids who bought them). which was, of course, awesome. how they were able to release images of children either in the process of dying or already dead is beyond me, but the cards were very popular through the late 1980s and early 1990s, and have actually seen a resurgence as new cards and retro releases of the originals have been produced in the last few years. i found several sites that catalog all the cards, so this weekend i spent quite a while looking through every single garbage pail kids card ever released, pulling out those that either directly reference horror films or are based heavily on horror themes. below is the fruit of that labor, so take a stroll with me down horror-nostalgia-gross-out lane…

not many of the cards directly references slasher films, but two notable exceptions are ‘slasher asher’ (aka ‘claude flesh’) and ‘hollow wayne’ (aka ‘jacqueline lantern’).

when i was a kid, having a ‘garbage pail kids’ card with your name was the ultimate in coolness (which is probably why they released at least two names for every card). unfortunately there was never a ‘corey’ card as i was growing up (the closest thing was ‘cory on the cob’), but in the new cards there are two! now if only i was eleven again, these would both go front-and-center on my trapper keeper.

if you want to look at more cards or search for your own name, the three sites below will allow you to do both of those things.

• Barren AARON’s GPK World
• Wayne’s Garbage Pail Kids Reference
• GPK Central

Related posts:

1. Childhood Horrors
2. Horror Community Highlights – March 25, 2011
3. Films That Defined My Childhood
4. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
5. The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

for the most part, i avoid these types of things — but not always. sometimes i see a new special edition of something with some sort of novel packaging and think, “hey, i really need that.” every time i end up regretting this decision because for some reason, in the heat of the spending frenzy, i can never seem to remember what i’m instantly reminded of when i get home with the item — that none of this crap will fit on my effing shelf. with that in mind, i present to you six such items and a peak into my poor purchasing choices of the past.

THE DARK NIGHT (ridiculous bat mask edition)
i think i got this thing at target, because it was $5 cheaper than the normal packaging. every time i see this oddly shaped, difficult to open and horribly inefficient design on my shelf, i think that that would have been a well spent five dollars.

HELLRAISER (silly tin box edition)
this one looks pretty cool, but does it really need to be so damn tall? there’s nothing inside it that would require such a size — the dvds are simply sitting inside the tin in a normal 2-disc cd case.

TOTAL RECALL (ludicrous mars tin edition)
this is really the only dvd i own that has a tendency to roll off the damn shelf. when browsing my collection, people often ask what this is, assuming i’ve just placed an old tin of really crappy looking candy on my shelf in the sci-fi section. if any other films had ever copied this idea, our collections would become unbrowsable since not only is there no way to identify this film from the side — the title of the film appears nowhere on the case, meaning you have to open it to know it’s TOTAL RECALL.

LOST (frickin’ huge edition)
one of the good things about dvd/blu-ray packaging is that, over time, the size of the packaging has been decreasing. remember those huge dvd sets of television season (i’m looking at you X-FILES and BUFFY)… well, now they’ve all been re-released in slim dvd packs or, if the show is on blu-ray, even slimmer blu-ray sets. LOST said “fuck you” to all that and released the single largest television box set i’ve seen. this one won’t even fit on the shelf awkwardly — this one i had to put on top of the shelf (next to tom servo and crow).

LEGO HARRY POTTER (crazily tall edition)
this isn’t a movie, but it follows the same logic. i bought this game for my wife because the way i am about horror — she’s that way about harry potter. i got the special edition because i knew she’d want all the making-of and behind-the-scenes featurettes, as well as the hogwarts house fridge magnets. i suppose they had to put those things somewhere, but couldn’t it have been thicker instead of taller? as it is, i have to lay it on its side to store it on our shelves or in my special “games we’re playing a lot of go in this drawer” drawer next to the tv.

EVIL DEAD II (stupid tin box edition)
almost identical to the HELLRAISER tin box, this suffers from the same issues. this is another one of those films i’ve owned more than half a dozen different versions of over the years… including the little rubber “book of the dead” edition that screams when you touch it. i would have included that in this list as well, but it does actually fit on my shelf as it’s same the height of a dvd case, so i’ll leave it alone. apart from the occasional shock when my shelf screams at me for touching it, that edition is actually both practically sized and cool.

No related posts.

go forth and find me the creepiest, most eff’d-up things you can on etsy.

she did not disappoint. below you will find the first part of what i’m sure will become a recurring feature here at eo2l — “super creepy things my wife found on etsy this weekend.” follow the links for the full descriptions, more pictures and the option to own them for your very own. if you dare!

1974 Leatherface Mask

“a must have for fans of the classic film.”

Creepy Finger Soap Set

“would make a great gag gift, party favors, or even something special for yourself!”

I Scream Cone

“This is sure to make a great addition to your Halloween tree!”

The Human Centipede CAT TOY

“This cat toy is 100% medically accurate!”

Killer Care Bear Swamp Creature

“His tummy has a painting of a swamp.”

Freddy Necklace

“This lil Freddy only wants to play!”

OOAK Creepy Doll Head 5 Shadowbox Sculpture

“Custom painted and distressed wood shadowbox contains a hand sculpted creepy clown head.”

Mini Zombie Scary Creepy Evil Clown Head Prop Decoration

“How would you like to own your very own piece of the circus undead?”

Nun no 3 Mouth eye Vampire doll ooak creepy gothic horror art

“SHE IS A HORROR RELATED ITEM AND IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE SCARY THINGS, THEN PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT MY LISTING.”

SAW Billy The Puppet Head Earrings JIGSAW

“Billy the puppet earrings.”

My Demon Pony Shaun Zombie Pony ooak My Little Pony

“I cut the stomach area out then sculpted the guts slowly attached one gut loop at a time..was so much fun! I also felt I should up a eye pop on this one!”

AMPUTHEATRE- Crucifiend Gaming Figure

“For devouring anything warm-blooded he found within the moors of Scotland, the abomination now known as “Crucifiend” spent centuries staked to a mountainside- where scavengers picked his eyesockets and fingers clean.”

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2. New Logo and Super Fun Contest Time
3. 2009 New York Weekend of Horrors in Pictures

file this under “news of the freakin’ awesome”: some guy far cooler than you or i decided to custom build the myers’ house from HALLOWEEN as his starter home. better yet (if you’re me, anyway), it’s located in hillsborough, nc, which is two hours from my home town and just a few miles from where i went to college.

rebuilding that house and living in it is such a great idea, i can’t believe i never thought of it — but luckily kenny caperton, emily currier and their two cats did. while it’s not an exact replica (a few walls have been moved, it features more modern appliances and better interior decorating), the exterior is damn near exactly what you see in the film, and the interior retains the most significant areas from the film (judith’s room, the staircase, the kitchen, etc.).

you can learn more about the house at myershousenc.com, and you can find kenny on twitter at @myershousenc. he seems open to guests stopping by (but prefers you let him know in advance), and frequently hosts horror-themed events at the house. the biggest of these events is, of course, on october 31st. see the website for details on this year’s halloween bash.

i don’t know if i’ll be able to make it to the halloween get-together this year… but i know i’ll be seeing if it’s ok to drop by the house the next time i’m driving home to nc. if so, i’ll be sure to post lots of pictures and maybe an interview with kenny, who i hereby crown the king of enviable real estate.

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1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
2. Wii Horrors – House of the Dead: Overkill and Madworld
3. House of the Dead: Overkill

last night i caught bits of a twitter debate about the relative merits of vhs tapes versus dvd. back in the day i had a gigantic vhs collection, and i look back on it with fond nostalgia. however, around 1999, i welcomed the arrival of our new digital overlords with open arms and have never looked back. while i don’t own a vcr, i think i still own 2 or 3 vhs tapes from the hundreds (maybe thousands) i once had (including TOM SAVINI’S SCREAM GREATS) — but apart from a few nostalgic hold-outs, i gave up on vhs years ago.

i do miss the days of the mom-and-pop video stores with their huge, over-sized vhs boxes and titillating cover art. far be it from me to condemn someone who continues to collect vhs tapes and even prefers (gasp!) to watch them over more modern formats. everyone’s got their thing, and if that’s yours — more power to you. however, while i may be nostalgic for my teen years spent browsing the aisles of videovision and carbonated video, nostalgia is where my affection for vhs ends because truth-be-told, i love dvd and blu-ray with a warm, gooey love that i can barely keep appropriate in public. with that in mind, i present to you a list of reason why, when properly divorced from nostalgia, it’s clear that vhs sorta blew.

rewinding

while there is actually such a thing as a dvd rewinder, they’re not strictly necessary. after years of rewinding and fast forwarding vhs tapes and, in some cases, even paying a $1 fee for failing to remember to “be kind and rewind” at your favorite video store — the concept of not needing to rewind a movie might come as a bit of a shock to you. for those of us that were big fans of the slp/ep speed setting (giving us six, and in some cases, EIGHT hours of recording time on a single tape), countless hours spent shuffling spools of black shiny tape from one little plastic ring to another have been wasted… hours we will never get back. thank the gods for digital media and it’s ability to jump from one section of a film to another almost instantaneously. how we ever lived another way, i will never understand.

special features

while vhs tapes did occasionally have ‘making-of’ docs and the like, it was nothing compared to what we have now. with documentaries, subtitles, multiple soundtracks, commentary tracks, etc. being almost standard for any film release — it’s hard to argue that vhs wasn’t a hobbled format. some of these (like subtitles) are so insanely useful and standard that they’re not really even ‘special’ anymore — they’re expected. personally i’m a huge fan of commentaries, so when a disc features one (or, in some cases, as many as FIVE), the amount of value i get out of owning a disc increases phenomenally. the only vhs i recall having a commentary was an edition of EVIL DEAD II which, of course, had to come on two tapes — one for the film with the original soundtrack, and one for the commentary.

video/audio

if the goal of watching a film at home is to attempt to replicate the theatrical experience, then it’s obvious why dvd has replaced vhs as a format. with 5.1 (or more) digital surround sound and crisp, clean video — vhs didn’t really stand a chance. while i would be the first to admit that there are horror films that might genuinely be more effective on a grainy vhs tape (HALLOWEEN leaps to mind), in general the increases in video and audio quality of modern formats is a blessing for film buffs. if you really want to replicate the vhs experience but don’t want to dig out your vcr, simply put cotton in your ears and try not to look directly at the television while squinting really hard. that should come pretty close to watching the same film on vhs (and may even give you a headache of the same variety).

moving parts

i don’t know if that long plastic piece on the back of a vhs that protected the magnetic tape has a name, but i’m sure you remember numerous occasions where that little fucker broke off and you were left with a semi-functional movie, a long, useless piece of plastic and a small, silver spring. weren’t those the days? you also likely remember when the tape would get all tangled in the heads of your vcr, and the particularly horrible “sckrunch!” sound your vcr would make as it ground to a halt while shredding the film you were about to watch. if you were really lucky, that tape was a rental so then you (or, more likely, your parents) had to pay the video store for damages ($99.99 for a copy of GATOR BAIT II, my ass!).

yeah… dammit, i sure miss that.

deterioration

there’s nothing quite like a format where you know that every time you watch a particular movie, the quality will degrade. admittedly, it took quite a few viewings… but every time you watched that bootleg of PHANTASM II you taped off hbo, it got just a little bit grainier. i remember trying to watch a vhs copy of SUSPIRIA a few years ago that basically looked like static vomited on by a preschooler who had just eaten a box of red and blue crayons. which is exactly how argento intended it to look, i’m sure.

taping over the tab

for many of us, our first experience with engineering and problem solving came from figuring out how to use our sister’s store-bought exercise video as a blank tape to record HALLOWEEN III. the vhs format came with a bit of particularly devious copy protection known as “the plastic tab.” if the tab was missing or broken off, there was absolutely no possible way to record anything on that bastard. unless, of course, you had a piece of tape, a crumbled up piece of paper, some lint, or really anything at all.

they were HUGE

i was never really sure why in the early 80s the over-sized vhs boxes were popular because vhs tapes are, in and of themselves, already obnoxiously large. i suppose vhs worked ok for a single movie, but can you imagine trying to have the entire six-season run of LOST on vhs? you’d have to rent an apartment just for it. i remember having a large portion of the first few seasons of THE X-FILES on vhs. it took up, like, half the damn bedroom.

tracking

without a doubt, the thing i will miss least about vhs tapes is that obviously-satan-engineered dial/button on the front of the vcr simply labeled “tracking.” like television rabbit ears but so much worse, messing with the tracking could become a constant irritation throughout an entire film if you were dealing with anything but a brand new tape. watching that thick line of distortion crawl across the screen as you moved the dial and then, just as you thought it had vanished and you’d gotten everything perfect, watching it pop up at the other side of the screen… yeah, that was an eff’ing blast.

so, yeah. that was vhs. it was great while it lasted but, ya know… it’s probably best that we’ve moved on. like an old girlfriend, we can think back on her with fond remembrance… but let’s not forget that if she were still around, she’d be quite the bitch to deal with and we’re probably better off without her.

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i recently moved, and while packing/unpacking/organizing all of my dvds, it quickly became apparent that my collection had grown beyond what most (including my wife) would consider “a reasonable size.” to remedy this, i took a rather large selection of my dvds and put them for for sale on amazon. my collection spans the full spectrum of genres, but (as you’d probably expect) the majority of those for sale are horror.

as a “thank you” to those that visit our little site, if you happen to find anything that strikes your fancy, please email me at corey@evilontwolegs.com either before or just after placing your order and i will include in your shipment, free of charge, a dvd of your choice from the rest of my collection priced $4 or cheaper (which is most of them). just email me the title you’d like free, and i’ll slip it in the envelope with your order.

or you could just email me to let me know i’m insane for getting rid of something with as awesome a title as BLOOD RANCH. which, obviously, i am.

corey’s amazon storefront

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
2. Hammer Glamour
3. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
4. Let the Right One In Blu-ray With Commentary
5. Horror DVD Releases – Week of June 22th, 2010

The Birds
(Czechoslovakia)

Dawn of the Dead
(Germany)

Carrie
(Turkey)

Carrie
(Spain)

The Exorcist
(Turkey)

The Howling
(Belgium)

Friday the 13th
(Australia)

Friday the 13th Part 2
(Turkey)

King Kong
(Spain)

Psycho
(Czechoslovakia)

A Nightmare on Elm St.
(Germany)

A Nightmare on Elm St.
(Russia)

The Omen
(Czechoslovakia)

The Omen
(Turkey)

Return of the Living Dead
(France)

Scanners
(Italy)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(France)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(Italy)

Terror Train
(Germany)

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2. Biggest WTF? Sequels in Slasher Film History
3. Horror Posters: Poland
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
5. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards

after a very complicated and technologically sophisticated random selection procedure (i.e., i put everyone’s name on a scrap of post-it note, placed them in a plastic bowl and had a co-worker pick one), we’ve decided on a winner for our hammer glamour book give-away!

in addition to running one of the most stylish and polished websites i’ve ever seen, micah from reeldistraction.com is also now the proud owner of the ladies of hammer horror book, hammer glamour! congrats, micah, and thank you to all that entered!

for those of you that are not micah, hammer glamour is now available to be purchased at amazon and, i’m fairly certain, other fine bookish-like-object retailers everywhere.

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2. His Name Was Jason Contest Winner

i couldn’t find any that just had the bloodhound and the company name, so i decided to just go and make it myself. the finished logo is hardly a huge accomplishment in graphical design, but simple is what i was going for. if anyone else happened to want such a shirt, i’ve added a few variations of it to my zazzle store.

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2. F13 Megapost – Jason Contest – Crystal Lake Webcam – New Logo
3. True Blood Merchandise

titan books was kind enough to send us a preview copy of their upcoming book hammer glamour. the book details a bit of the history of hammer studios before giving a comprehensive list of the starlets that made the films famous. each actress is given their own filmography and biography, complete with gorgeous photographs and images from their films. i’ve rarely been as impressed by the design of a published work as i am by this hardcover coffee table book.

the book can be pre-purchased through amazon or, even easier, you can win a copy from us for nothing but the cost of the time it takes to write an email! simply send an email to me at corey@evilontwolegs.com with something like “I WANT THAT BOOK” or “GIMME GIMME GIMME” as the subject line, and you’re automagically entered into the contest. or just leave a comment on this post (be sure to fill in your email). what could be easier?

win it or buy it, this is a ‘must-have’ for anyone with an interest in the hammer horror films, their history and their leading ladies. or even those just interested in vampire twins.

[contest ended... see the winner here!]

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5. Slumber Party Massacre: The Poem

i recently became addicted to alan ball’s true blood and discovered that, even when it comes to merchandising their shows, hbo does everything right. from merlotte’s server shirts to fangtasia t-shirts to actual bottles of true blood, the hbo store seems to have it all. they even have a shirt that references the show’s most memorable line of oft repeated dialogue… “you’re mine, SOOKIE.” check out the entire store if you consider yourself a fang-banger, or check out the show on dvd or blu-ray if not (particularly if you are a fan of six feet under, kick-ass vampire stories, or just want to rinse the bad taste of twilight out of your mouth).

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jason goblet
price: $2.99

why would a goblet need protective face gear? and what is that on the base… it kinda looks like it’s sitting in dog feces. with the three dollar price tag, i assume this is made of styrofoam or something as opposed to the metal you’d assume ‘goblet’ implied. which means the first time you put wine in it, all that silver paint will probably flake off and give you some sort of fatal poisoning. i have to get one of these.

pinhead hellraiser teddy bear
price: $14.95

sound in theory, this just doesn’t work in practice. that’s not pinhead as a teddy bear — that’s a teddy bear with weird black sticks hanging out of his face. technically that’d make him ‘black stick head,’ which is not nearly as scary. it’d actually be easier, cheaper and more effective to make your own pinhead bear. all you’d need to do is go here with this. i do like this one’s outfit tho.

chucky cushion
price: $14.99

the price on this item keeps getting marked down as i work on this article… i don’t understand why. who wouldn’t want to rest their head on a deformed and scarred pillow which mildly resembles chucky and has weird ears and an afro?

hanging hellraiser butterball decor
price: $13.99

if there’s one cenobite that you want to be able to hang from your car’s rearview mirror or christmas tree, it’s certainly butterball.

blair witch project kubrick box set
price: $29.50

when blair witch-mania hit, it hit hard. i admit to having a blair witch branded shot glass… and during those couple of months in 1999, i might have also bought the heather, josh and mike lego-esque kubrick figures shown here.

1979 alien cookie jar
price: $99.99

a bit out of my price range, but if i had one of these i’d definitely keep dog biscuits in it. i love the look on the alien’s face here, as if he’s trying to say “hi, look what i got. an egg!”

friday the 13th air freshener
price: $3.95

perhaps the most disturbing part of the description for this friday the 13th air freshner is that it doesn’t tell you what it smells like. ponder the possibilities before moving onto…

freddy trick arm
price: $6.99

a freddy arm! the description lists the arm as ‘full-length,’ which is lucky because anything less simply wouldn’t have served my needs. the box is not included… which is a shame. i like the idea of freddy climbing into a steamer trunk, only to have the lid close and crush his armpit… as depicted here.

cthulhu plush fanny pack
price: $18.74

well, if you must wear a fanny pack…

this would have made a great movie prop for finalgirl.blogspot.com’s latest short-film, the devil’s bum bag.

michael myers mask with hair
price: $34.99

i have seen some crappy halloween masks before, but at thirty-five dollars — this isn’t just a horrible reproduction of the original mask, it’s a rip-off too. also… worst. hair. evar.

freddy matchbox car
price: $5.99

so… piecing the story together just from what i can see here… freddy is fifty feet tall and attacking the springwood boiler maintenance van. wouldn’t that be counter-productive? who’s he gonna call when his pipes stop shooting out mood-steam or he loses one of his sheep behind a furnace?

cthulhu christmas wreath
price: $34.99

cthulhu christmas wreath. ’nuff said.

jason snowglobe
price: $43.99

this is probably the item on this list i’d be most likely to actually purchase. ‘snowglobe’ is an odd market for horror to branch out into, but the result isn’t too bad… and i just realized that the girl looks quite a bit like my fiancée. i don’t know whether that’d make her like it or hate it more if it was in our living room.

jason guitar picks
price: $3.99

i almost want to learn guitar just so i can use these. will they work with rock band or guitar hero?

freddy vs. jason battling game
price: $29.99

even if you ignore the fact that the two combatants seem to be facing away from each other, this just looks ridiculous. like a horribly boring version of hungry hungry hippos… with really fat hippos.

freddy yo-yo
price: $6.99

i never fully understood the marketting for a nightmare on elm street. while i imagine there are adults who like yo-yos, this is obviously primarily aimed at children… children who want a yo-yo branded with a burnt, psychotic child molester/murderer’s image? is that a big market? i say this knowing i would have bought it if i’d seen it when i was 13… so i guess the answer is ‘yeah.’

japanese freddy plush doll
price: $49.99

we all know the japanese are weird with their karaoke bars and host clubs and used panty vending machines… but this is going a bit far. a cross-eyed freddy krueger doll that wears a blue sweater and a pirate hat? blasphemy.

michael mask in a bottle
price: $9.00

who wouldn’t want an itty bitty michael myers mask in a jar? that can (as the description informs us) be filled with water. the description also says that this is a “gotta have” for michael myers fans. count me in.

jason spitballs
price: ???

i couldn’t actually find these for sale anywhere. that’s too bad, cuz… well… look at ‘em. friday the 13th spitballs… that possess a “scary 18 foot squirt!” i like that they actually took the care to put the proper cut mark in the hockey mask… but the look on the victim’s face cracks me up.

jason matchbox car
price: $5.99

i can’t really see what the truck says on it, but i assume it’s a camp crystal lake counselor vehicle. unlike the freddy version, the story here obviously makes sense… a fifty foot jason voorhees is attacking counselors. that, or a normal size jason is attacking 5-inch tall counselors. i’d readily watch either one.

horror candle set
price: ???

i don’t really understand how you use this. is every one of these things a separate candle? so five candles… a hockey mask, an arm, a leg, a chainsaw and an axe. jason doesn’t really use a chainsaw, so i don’t completely get that one… but this hardly looks like an officially licensed product anyway.

saw 400% be@rbrick
price: $59.99

ok, i was just getting used the whole ‘kubrick’ thing (the lego-type figures)… but now it turns out there’s a whole other subdivision of them, where the characters are bears… known as be@rbricks. i thought saw was a pretty good movie, but i’m not sure i’m prepared to spend sixty dollars for a blocky saw puppet with bear ears. and yes, even if it glows in the dark.

custom nike jason sneakers
price: ???

as a teen unfamiliar with what females actually found attractive, i absolutely would have worn these high top sneakers, had they existed in 1990. hell, on the right occasion, i might wear them now.

monster freddy doll
price: ???

ok, here’s another unlicensed piece-of-crap depiction of a sexual predator marketed to children. it’s obviously freddy krueger, but they changed the color of the sweater. although they got at least one color right, and his eyes are relatively straight, so they’re a step ahead of the japanese doll seen earlier.

camp crystal lake room rolls
price: $21.59

this is the worst officially licensed product on this list. mainly because there’s no reason for it to be licensed. i suppose you put this on your wall to give the illusion of you being at camp crystal lake… but there’s no camp crystal lake sign, no jason hiding behind a tree (unless he’s really well hidden), or even a creepy reflection of a hockey mask in the water… there’s just some trees and some water. that’d hardly make it the crown jewel of your horror memorabilia collection. the description even hints to such as it clearly states “combine with other jason products (sold separately) for the perfect scene.”

friday the 13th and texas chainsaw christmas lights
price: $34.95

i greatly desire to see a christmas tree decorated solely in these lights. perhaps a nice lament configuration or pinhead figurine up on top? after all, he’s a demon to some, angel to others

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2. The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
3. Biggest WTF? Sequels in Slasher Film History
4. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009
5. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted

How do we begin to covet, Clarice?
Do we seek out things to covet?
No, we begin by coveting what we see every day.

i humbly disagree. the only thing i can see from where i’m sitting right now is a half full cherry coke bottle and an empty tape dispenser. those aren’t really the kinds of things i’m aching to possess… so i usually need to go out looking for objects of envy. like all genre fans, i collect dvds and books… but one of the more frivolous pursuits most of us horror fans have in common is the love of horror-related toys. i love movie collectibles — my desk and home are littered with things like posable michael myers action figures, a plastic hellraiser puzzle box (or ‘lament configuration,’ if you want to sound all knowledgeable and stuff) and a giant jason voorhees that screeches “ch-ch-ch ah-ah-ah” when you push a button on his back. like all obsessive collectors though, there is always room for more and i often find myself searching ebay and online toy stores for the latest horror chotchke to place on my desk at work or around my tiny apartment. i rarely actually order anything, but i almost always find cool and interesting things that i just can’t quite justify spending so much money on but would buy in a second if there was no longer a need for things like food, shelter, dog biscuits or socks. so, that’s what i’m going to share with you today… some of the bitchin’-est models, action figures, replicas and horror-related odds & ends i’ve recently run across, so that we may collectively salivate over them together.

the exorcist spider walk regan action figure
price: $16.99

those who haven’t seen the exorcist: the version you’ve never seen (and really, with a name like that there’s likely to be a few) will probably wonder why you have a doll of a 12-year old girl in a night-gown doing a back-bend in your room… but screw it. that scene was freakin’ creepy and so is this figurine.

cloverfield movie monster
price: $99.99

a bit pricey at $100, but damn this toy version of clover is cool. it stands 14″ tall, comes with 10 parasites, the head of the statue of liberty and features ‘authentic sounds.’ i only hope those sounds aren’t what makes up most of the dialogue in the film, which would just be a constant loop of “rob, dude. dude. rob, hey. rob. we gotta go. rob. dude.”

alien pile statue
price: $234.99

ok, like many of items listed here — this defies any description other than “awesome!”

and they’re so cute… i imagine if these guys were your pets, they’d sit in front of the door just like this while you were at work… waiting anxiously for you to come home.

alien 400% kubrick figure
price: $67.49

i’m not sure why these lego-type versions of characters are called ‘kubricks’ (i assume it has nothing to do with stanley), but they sure are adorable. most are rather small, but this one stands almost a foot high and is based off the original giger designs for alien. this would make a terrific present for any adult sci-fi/horror fan… or a really crappy one for your five-year old nephew.

alien 18-inch classic figure
price: $49.99

ok, i’m completely getting one of these when they’re released. so few of the alien toys feature the clear dome skull (most go for the crinkly, less interesting heads used in cameron’s film). at 18-inches tall, this guy will be able to do mock-battles with my giant new blood jason voorhees, which is a big plus.

alien warrior life size replica
price: $4500.00

ok, i’m completely not getting one of these… but not for a lack of desire. the price is a bit out of my range, but holy god… when people came over to your place they’d either think you were the coolest guy in all the land… or the creepiest.

movable lament configuration
price: $419.00

one of the disappointments of owning a hellraiser puzzle box is that it’s never going to move around and make all the crazy shapes it does in the movie, nor will it open a doorway to hell. the latter is probably ok, but the former would be frickin’ awesome… well, this box comes the closest in that it will actually make the first two moves of the puzzle. hand-crafted from mahogany and etched in brass, it’s rather amazing looking as well.

puzzle box signed
price: $129.99

i’m quite fond of this box because while it may not move, it does come in the nifty display case… which would really be the only way to display it in your home. get a couple of them like dr. channard did in the film and display them next to a bloody mattress for added creepiness.

hellraiser paperweight
price: $19.99

for the budget-minded or those looking for a more modern take on the classic lament configuration, here’s a clear version. it seems to have the words ‘hellraiser’ printed on it though, which i’d prefer it didn’t.

frank figure
price: $13.99

who wouldn’t want a tiny skinnless frank in a suit, and it appears to come with frank’s trademark cigarette and switchblade as well. now if they’d only make a ‘frank strung up on hooks & chains emanating from the depths of hell’ christmas tree ornament, i’d be set.

dr. channard statue
price: $239.99

i don’t know that dr. channard was one of my favorite characters, but those tentacles coming out of his hands making flowers and razors and stuff were pretty cool. as far as mobility, he’s sorta limited by this tentacle thing attached to his head leading him around which sorta makes him hell’s yo-yo, i guess — but he’s still pretty cool.

brundle-fly statue
price: $194.99

of all the tiny statues of jeff goldblum that are out there… this is the one to have.

american werewolf 2-pack
price: $22.49

i have wanted this toy for over 20 years now… i absolutely love the design of the werewolf in an american werewolf in london, but he’s never been in toy form before. i was so disappointed when i heard years ago they’d released a figure from the film and it just ended up being one of those nazi guys from the dream sequence — what were they thinking? anyway, they finally did it right and created a werewolf/meatloaf jack two-pack, which i promptly accidentally let my fiancée know was something i couldn’t live without. inspired by pure love, i’m fairly certain that she rushed out and pre-ordered it for my birthday… over a year ago. the release date has been pushed back more times than i can remember, but i am certain that it will arrive in time for one of my birthdays in the coming years.

american werewolf life-size prop
price: $5500.00

if i won a million dollars, this would be the first thing i’d buy. not a car, house or speedboat… this. i’d sit it next to the couch and use it as an arm rest and sit my soda in its mouth… and see how many years it’d be before my dogs (and possibly my fiancée) came out from hiding under the bed.

dog soldiers figure
price: $6.93

while not as cool as the above werewolves, i quite liked the dog soldiers design as well. and at 5,493 dollars and 7 cents cheaper than the previous item… it’s quite the bargain.

trilogy of terror zuni figure
price: $88.00

while most toys are a pale imitation of what they’re based on, it’s not all that hard to make a doll version of a doll… so this is an almost perfect version of the tiny, angry dude from the 70s made-for-tv-movie. if this was sitting on my bookcase i’d have to install motion sensors in the living room to be able to sleep. just in case.

the new blood scream scene statue
price: $179.99

jason in friday the 13th part 7 has always been my favorite incarnation of the crystal lake killer. i have two figures based on him already, but i’d be happy to have another showing how he begins the film… still trapped at the bottom of crystal lake, bobbing around like a fish aquarium treasure chest.

bag head jason figure
price: $14.99

scary bag-head jason is scary. i really need to pick one of these up sometime so that i have a itty bitty version of the creepiest version of jason voorhees.

jason plush
price: $27.99

plush jason is just way too cool for school. i actually couldn’t resist and ordered one of these while working on this article…. he’s just so cute!

jason animated maquette
price: $80.99

friday the 13th: the animated series is just too fabulous of an idea to ever actually exist in our reality. this statue is likely as close as we’ll come to seeing it.

silver shampain final chapter mask
price: $110.00

these masks seem to be the best compromise between quality and price that i’ve found. this site offers versions of jason’s mask from every film… i’m seriously considering getting a final chapter or new blood one from this site or the next one.

ruste dowg new blood mask
price: $170.00-$200.00

this site also offers masks from every film and more variations as well. these seem to be higher quality than those on the previous site, and the price reflects that. another option is ordering a mask from frightstuff.com and painting it yourself… or hiring one of the artists in their forums to paint it for you, which is where i found ruste dowg’s site.

ultra cthulhu statue
price: $224.99

who wouldn’t want a statue of one of ‘the great old ones’ on their mantle? standing 14″ tall, this is probably significantly smaller than the actual cthulhu, but looks fantastic regardless.

freddy krueger glove replica
price: $134.99

i’ve never loved freddy quite as much as jason or michael, but i have to admit that the glove is rather stylin’. far more realistic and menacing than the golf glove/plastic knife/duct tape combo i created in middle-school, this thing would look great in the living room or stuffed in your basement furnace.

texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning set
price: $24.74

you would not want this out when the in-laws stopped by. few of these toys are truly grotesque, but this one breaks that trend by being just as disturbing as the scene it was based on. i’m not sure i’d actually want to own this, but i have to admit it makes an impression and is making me want to go back and revisit the film.

day of the dead dr. tongue figure
price: $16.18

apart from the american werewolf, this is the toy i always dreamed of… but never thought would actually get made. dr. tongue is my favorite zombie of all time, but he’s only on-screen in day of the dead for five or six seconds. based on some of savini’s most imaginative work, this is the next action figure i’ll end up ordering… just as soon as it’s released later this year (or, if it follows the release schedule of the american werewolf figure, sometime around 2014).

Related posts:

1. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles
2. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
3. The First Victims in Horror Cinema: A Tribute
4. The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids
5. Nintendo DSi Does Horror Part 2