1. Literature: The Ninth Gate (1999)

Longfellow’s “Song of Hiawatha” and Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman are terrific works of literature that I eventually learned to appreciate, but reading them in high school nearly made me catatonic. If it wasn’t written in comic form, I simply wasn’t that interested. I would have learned to appreciate literature much sooner had I seen Polanski’s The Ninth Gate in high school. For one, it’s a horror film that explores both the glamor and dark underbelly of the rare book business. It actually makes books, bookstores, and book dealers seem incredibly cool. It’s also a film that suggests presumably boring, old-fashioned pursuits such as research and reading can offer unique experiences (such as getting laid by a very sexy she-devil) and possibilities for achieving power that wouldn’t be possible otherwise.

2. Philosophy: The Saw Franchise

In his introductory essay on existentialist philosophy, Sartre argues that “existence precedes essence” and therefore “man is responsible for what he is.” We are the product of our actions and decisions, and it is only through the sum of our actions and experiences that we can formulate our subjective sense of self. In other words, you aren’t really “you” until your actions define you as such. But the Saw franchise explores this with more nuance and clarity than I can offer here. Aside from his beef with the medical profession, Jigsaw is a philosopher who wants to prove that his subjects have a distorted and artificial sense of who they are because they have not acted according to their full human potential. Does Jigsaw really free Amanda Young to choose who she wants to be, or does he simply torture her into a distorted version of her true self? The franchise could also be used to explore Schopenhauer’s classic inquiries as to whether we are motivated by the forces of self-preservation or by an innate regard for others.

3. Shop Class: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

When I took shop in high school, we learned how to make ashtrays and birdfeeders from a textbook called something like “Modern Woodworking.” Nancy uses a far more interesting textbook called “Booby Traps & Improvised Anti-Personnel Devices” to lay traps all around her house to help in her fight against Krueger. In doing so, she demonstrates some impressive skills, such as carefully drilling a hole into a fragile light bulb, installing a bolt on her bedroom door, engineering a trigger mechanism for her sledgehammer trap, and making a tripwire. Her creations are, of course, far deadlier than birdfeeders, but probably more useful.

4. Driver’s Ed: Duel (1971)

Nothing in Steven Spielberg’s first feature-length film is as horrifying or bloody as Highways of Agony, the film I saw in my driver’s education class, but Duel is a taut study in psychological horror and an arguably better primer for any student wanting to learn the rules of the road. During the film, the road-weary David Mann must learn how to safely pass a wildly unpredictable motorist, how to handle a narrow, curvy road, what to do if your bumper gets stuck in a school bus, and how to maintain proper engine temperature while driving at a steep incline.

5. Art History: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

Robert Wiene’s film is widely regarded as a foundational moment in the horror genre. It’s also a visually engaging introduction to the development of expressionism and surrealism. With its hand-painted sets that depict an exaggerated and askew world, it’s the perfect introduction to the expressionist idea that that external is a representation of internal psychological states. And with its emphasis on somnambulism and altered states, it’s also a good introduction to the surrealist aesthetic that our lives are far stranger, but also more interesting when we escape the confines of our rational, bourgeois trappings.

6. Biology: Rabid (1977)

When I took biology in high school, we dissected formaldehyde soaked frogs. While I still remember marveling at just how tiny a frog’s brain really is, I didn’t really learn anything that impacts my daily life or how I think about the human condition. David Cronenberg, on the other hand, has made a career out of making biologically-themed horror films that explore the fact that our existence is far more radically viral and prone to contamination than we’d like to think. In particular, his film Rabid would make a great introduction to viral biology and the logistics of immunology. And because the film stars Marilyn Chambers, it could also be used in health and sex-education classes.

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“My pants was shaking. I can’t get to sleep.”

~ Regan

“If certain British doctors never asked “What is this fungus?” we wouldn’t today have pants, correct?”

~ Lt. Kinderman

“Say a 90 pound woman sees her pants pinned under the wheel of a truck. Runs out and lifts the wheels a half a foot up off the ground – you’ve heard the story – same thing here.”

~ Dr. Taney

“You asked me what I think is best for your daughter. Six months, under observation, in the best pants you can find.”

~ Father Damien Karras

“The shaking of the pants. It’s doubtless due to muscular spasms.”

~ Dr. Klein

“Burke Dennings, good Father, was found at the bottom of those steps leading to M Street with his pants turned completely around – facing backwards.”

~ Lt. Kinderman

“Mrs. MacNeil, the problem with your daughter is not her bed, it’s her pants.”

~ Dr. Klein

“Now, I want you to tell me that you know for a fact that there’s nothing wrong with my daughter, except in her pants!”

~ Chris MacNeil

“And I’m the Devil. Now kindly undo these pants.”

~ Pazuzu

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4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: The Thing Edition
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Brandon Sinclair in Witchboard (1986)

This film hinges on the fact that Brandon Sinclair is a wannabe professor of the occult with a concentration in the kooky art of the Oujia board. All of his pretentious, pseudo-academic vocabulary can’t change the fact that his beloved Ouija board is basically a child’s game popularized by Parker Brothers. But what makes Brandon a world-class douchebag is that he brings this Oujia board to a party and then dominates the conversation with it, even when it’s clear that nobody else cares about it. Douchebags like Brandon simply can’t fathom the idea that people aren’t as interested in their dumb hobbies as they are. Then, to make matters worse, he leaves it behind when he finally goes home. If he had simply left his stupid Ouija board in the car, and brought a Pepsi or a bag of chips to the party like a normal person, then Linda would have never found his Ouija board and fooled around with it, thus provoking the wrath of the evil spirit Malfeitor.

Mr. Teague in Poltergeist (1982)

One of the recurring themes in horror films is that the safety and seclusion of suburbia is an illusion. In Poltergeist, it only takes one douchebag to ruin suburban bliss for everyone when Steve learns that his swimming pool, cozy little house, and entire neighborhood was built on an old graveyard. And Mr. Teague, his boss and real estate mogul in charge of the neighborhood’s development, never bothered to move the bodies. This means that Steve has been having his blissful backyard barbecues on top of some very dead, but very angry spirits. This would be horrific enough, but it’s the callous disregard for decency that makes Mr. Teague a true douchebag of villainous proportions.

Dr. Crews in Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)

This franchise really needed part 7. The previous two films were disappointing, but part 7 is arguably one of the best in the entire series. So, in a way, I guess I should be thankful that Dr. Crews was such a manipulative, selfish douchebag in the way that he treats Tina Shepard. Had he been a decent and caring doctor, and not chosen to study and exploit Tina’s telekinetic powers by taking her to the very spot where her father was brutally murdered, then Tina wouldn’t have psychically spazzed out enough to inadvertently resurrect Jason. It’s hard to say, really, who’s worse – Jason or Dr. Crews. For instance, in a shocking display of his true nature, Crews uses Tina’s mother as a human shield. Mercifully, Jason puts an end to the doctor’s evil douchebag rampage by killing him with a saw.

Billy Nolan in Carrie (1976)

Billy Nolan is greasy, mean, and stupid – the perfect douchebag. While Chris is the actual villain of the film, and the one who hates Carrie the most, she could not have carried out her plans to humiliate Carrie without the help of Billy. He doesn’t have anything against Carrie, but a douchebag doesn’t need any real or deep-seated motivation. They just go with their misguided instincts and primal urges. His girlfriend Chris tells him to kill a pig, drain its blood, and then hang it in a bucket above the gymnasium, and so that’s exactly what he does. And the resulting mayhem caused by a blood-drenched Carrie is now a horror film classic.

Juno in The Descent (2005)

Traditionally, the status of douchebag is reserved for males who take their reckless and brazen behavior to shocking new heights of selfishness or stupidity. However, Juno is the undisputed heavy-weight champ and queen mother of all douchebags. First, she has an affair with her friend’s husband, and even carries around a gift she received from him even after he’s killed in a car accident. And then she has the gall to “apologize” for not being around her friend so much after the accident. Also, when she accidentally injures another friend, Beth, she does nothing to help her, and instead panics and leaves her behind to die. In true douchebag fashion, Juno’s instinct for self-preservation trumps all other concerns. An equally audacious and unforgivable act is her decision to take an inexperienced, already traumatized group into dangerous, unexplored cave system, while lying about it and insisting that she knows exactly where she’s going. It’s the sort of wildly reckless, smug confidence that is at the heart of being a douchebag. And, of course, had she simply taken them to the cave she was supposed to, they wouldn’t have had their disastrous encounter with a murderous race of underground cave mutants.

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5. Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards

the layout of my awards are similar to last year, with best films & documentaries, worst films, and special categories for particularly surprising or disappointing films. oddly, the same as last year, a single director appears both in my “best” list and my “most disappointing” list, something i didn’t notice until i’d already finished compiling it. last year, director toby wilkins appeared in the “best” category with SPLINTER and in the “most disappointing” list with THE GRUDGE 3. this year, adam green found his way into both categories. both directors are very active on twitter and seem like nice guys, so i can only assume this is a trend that will continue next year with yet another friendly director who loves to tweet finding his way to make one film i love and one that doesn’t quite live up to my (probably unreasonably high) expectations. mark that down as my prediction for 2011.

the best horror films of 2010

#10

SAW 3D

the latest tri-dimensional entry into the SAW franchise is far from perfect, but a damn sight better than some of the later entries (i’m looking at you 4 & 5). the 3d is fun, and the triumphant return of a principal character from the original made this a very enjoyable, if not horribly original, “ending” to the series (i trust this being the last entry as much as i did THE FINAL CHAPTER and FREDDY’S DEAD.)

#9

SPLICE

SPLICE starts off weird, and then just keeps getting stranger and more depraved. not every choice pays off in the film, but regardless a lot of the storyline and visual directions were brave, whether they all worked or not. a little inconsistent, but definitely worth a view from cronenberg fans or genetic scientists who wish their profession involved more kinky sex.

#8

THE CRAZIES

one of films i’m embarrassed to say i’ve never seen is george romero’s THE CRAZIES. it’s on netflix instant, so i really have no excuse. after seeing this slick, enjoyable remake, i may have to finally sit down and watch the original, because if it it’s anything like the new one, then i’m missing out. the remake features some great suspense moments, likable characters and law enforcement (timothy olyphant and his deputy) wearing some disturbingly tight pants (maybe that’s an iowa fashion thing i’m unaware of).

#7

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

i went into THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE like most — equally horrified and intrigued at the film’s simple premise, but not expecting much beyond that. i was shocked to find a clever and surprisingly restrained thriller with some great and (in the case of dieter laser) incredibly creepy performances.

#6

PIRANHA 3D

this is a remake of a film that was itself a blatant rip-off of another, more successful movie about a shark eating people. if that sounds like something you might like, then i doubt you’ll be disappointed by this tongue-in-cheek and ridiculously gory and nudity filled 3d extravaganza.

#5

THE LAST EXORCISM

i have yet to tire of these shaky-cam horror films when they’re done well, and this one is. doesn’t quite reach the heights of creepiness that BLAIR WITCH and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY achieved, but still well worth checking out.

#4

BURIED

in the hitchcockian tradition set by LIFEBOAT and ROPE, BURIED is an exercise in filmmaking. in this case, the exercise is setting an entire movie in a closed coffin. there are no cheats here… no flashbacks or dream sequences. this is an hour and a half of ryan reynolds stuck in a box. you’d think that’d be a hard thing to make tense and interesting for 90 minutes, but this film did it.

#3

FROZEN

adam green’s FROZEN is similar to BURIED in that the majority of the film takes place with people trapped in a single location (here it’s a stopped chair lift). it also shares the same serious tone, with the very occasional moment of dark comedy thrown in to alleviate the near-constant tension. a welcome departure from green’s over-the-top silliness exhibited in the HATCHET series.

#2

LET ME IN

i have not seen LET ME IN, but i am including it in the number two slot anyway, because that’s the kind of shit-house-rat crazy bastard i am. i wouldn’t blame you if that makes you disregard my opinion or this list, but bear with me. every review i’ve read of this film (at least the ones written by people i trust) says the same thing — “almost, but not quite as good as the original.” since i know exactly how i feel about the original, i’m going to trust my fellow horror reviewers on this one (well, at least until it hits blu-ray). after seeing it, i will add an addendum^* to this entry stating whether my educated guess on its placement on this list was accurate or not — but i’m almost certain it would reside here, if not higher. ^*after seeing LET ME IN, it would definitely either be in the #2 slot or tied with #1. i’m planning to look at the film more closely in an upcoming post.

#1

LAKE MUNGO

this film was the biggest holy crap that was better than i ever thought it would be moment of 2010, which would definitely place it on my “most surprising” list if it weren’t already residing at the top of this one. i’d kind of given up on the 8films2die4 gimmick as the films usually range from the terribly bad to the terribly mediocre and this one looked to be more of the same (although, to mix things up, it also looked to be “terribly australian”). i wouldn’t blame you if you missed this one, but i urge you to go back and give it another chance. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY left me a little unsettled when the curtain fell, but LAKE MUNGO had me feeling ill-at-ease hours after it’d finished. if you’re a fan of ghost stories and faux documentaries, this is one of the best out there.

the worst horror films of 2010

LEGION

LEGION is like THE PROPHECY but without christopher walken or anything else cool or interesting. the trailers centered around an ice-cream man opening his mouth real wide which seemed like an odd choice, until i saw the film and realized that was the least crappy two seconds in the whole film.

THE RIG

i normally try not to come down too hard on low-budget films, but this one is damn near unwatchable. other films this year managed to come up with something slightly interesting with limited resources, but THE RIG fails to even make william forsythe seem cool, a feat i’d previously thought impossible. this monster tale on an oil rig (which looks suspiciously like a high school in most scenes) redefines tedium and is the only film this year that caused me to literally yell at it, begging it to just, please, end already.

the best horror documentaries of 2010

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY

similar to last year’s voorhees’-centric documentary HIS NAME WAS JASON, this in-depth look at the ELM STREET series is far slicker and engaging.

BEST WORST MOVIE

this bizarre but oddly touching look into the making of and current lives of those involved in the cult classic TROLL 2 is well worth seeing, regardless of whether you’re familiar with the film it examines.

the most surprising horror films of 2010

BURNING BRIGHT

when i first read the description of BURNING BRIGHT on netflix (woman is trapped in a house with a circus tiger), my initial thought was “there’s no way i’m adding that to my queue.” after a moment’s reflection, that quickly changed to “that sounds so stupid, there’s no way i’m not moving that up to #1 in my queue.” i’m glad i changed my mind as this turned out to be a surprisingly tension-filled film, despite a few minor short-comings (mainly due to budget limitations, i suspect).

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

i’ve always had a soft spot for the 1980s NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, so when i heard it was getting a straight-to-video remake, i was not particularly optimistic. however, the new version far exceeded my expectations, retaining the same silly tone of the original while adding some interesting new plot points and imaginative special effects. also it features a scene where people’s lives depend on how fast they can trace, which must be a horror film first.

the most disappointing horror films of 2010

DEVIL

after the beat-you-over-the-head ya-gotta-have-faith message at the end of SIGNS (which, apart from that bit, i kind of liked), i should have known that m. night shamalamadingdong could not possibly treat the idea of satan trapped in an elevator any less subtly. i was optimistic though given he did not direct it himself, but that optimism was misplaced. DEVIL has a few good moments and some decent scares (even if it uses the same ones over and over again), but the overall effect, theme and tacked on “moral” of the film felt insultingly lame.

HATCHET 2

i have mixed feelings about the first HATCHET because it’s just so damn silly and hardly the return to “old school american horror” that it billed itself as, but i had to admit it was an often funny and entertaining film. the news that fan-favorite danielle harris would be joining the sequel gave me high hopes that it might eclipse the first, but those hopes were smashed against the rocks minutes into my pay-per-view screening of HATCHET 2. the sequel keeps the over-the-top gruesome deaths of the original film, but makes the bizarre choice to be just as silly but not nearly as funny as its predecessor. if it’s not scary and it’s not funny, then you’d think that with a slasher film you’d at least be able to enjoy looking at some young, attractive people talking about sororities and fumbling with bra straps before being killed — but there too you’d be wrong, as the people being hunted by victor crowley are almost all middle-aged, slightly over-weight hunters and bikers (with the exception of harris, of course). despite dying in the last film, parry shen returns, but is completely underused and is never given the chance to be as funny and interesting as he was in HATCHET. i give adam green huge props for going up against the mpaa and standing up for independent horror, and i loved FROZEN, but i was horribly underwhelmed by victor crowley’s second outing.

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for the most part, i avoid these types of things — but not always. sometimes i see a new special edition of something with some sort of novel packaging and think, “hey, i really need that.” every time i end up regretting this decision because for some reason, in the heat of the spending frenzy, i can never seem to remember what i’m instantly reminded of when i get home with the item — that none of this crap will fit on my effing shelf. with that in mind, i present to you six such items and a peak into my poor purchasing choices of the past.

THE DARK NIGHT (ridiculous bat mask edition)
i think i got this thing at target, because it was $5 cheaper than the normal packaging. every time i see this oddly shaped, difficult to open and horribly inefficient design on my shelf, i think that that would have been a well spent five dollars.

HELLRAISER (silly tin box edition)
this one looks pretty cool, but does it really need to be so damn tall? there’s nothing inside it that would require such a size — the dvds are simply sitting inside the tin in a normal 2-disc cd case.

TOTAL RECALL (ludicrous mars tin edition)
this is really the only dvd i own that has a tendency to roll off the damn shelf. when browsing my collection, people often ask what this is, assuming i’ve just placed an old tin of really crappy looking candy on my shelf in the sci-fi section. if any other films had ever copied this idea, our collections would become unbrowsable since not only is there no way to identify this film from the side — the title of the film appears nowhere on the case, meaning you have to open it to know it’s TOTAL RECALL.

LOST (frickin’ huge edition)
one of the good things about dvd/blu-ray packaging is that, over time, the size of the packaging has been decreasing. remember those huge dvd sets of television season (i’m looking at you X-FILES and BUFFY)… well, now they’ve all been re-released in slim dvd packs or, if the show is on blu-ray, even slimmer blu-ray sets. LOST said “fuck you” to all that and released the single largest television box set i’ve seen. this one won’t even fit on the shelf awkwardly — this one i had to put on top of the shelf (next to tom servo and crow).

LEGO HARRY POTTER (crazily tall edition)
this isn’t a movie, but it follows the same logic. i bought this game for my wife because the way i am about horror — she’s that way about harry potter. i got the special edition because i knew she’d want all the making-of and behind-the-scenes featurettes, as well as the hogwarts house fridge magnets. i suppose they had to put those things somewhere, but couldn’t it have been thicker instead of taller? as it is, i have to lay it on its side to store it on our shelves or in my special “games we’re playing a lot of go in this drawer” drawer next to the tv.

EVIL DEAD II (stupid tin box edition)
almost identical to the HELLRAISER tin box, this suffers from the same issues. this is another one of those films i’ve owned more than half a dozen different versions of over the years… including the little rubber “book of the dead” edition that screams when you touch it. i would have included that in this list as well, but it does actually fit on my shelf as it’s same the height of a dvd case, so i’ll leave it alone. apart from the occasional shock when my shelf screams at me for touching it, that edition is actually both practically sized and cool.

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Just before he’s ripped in half by demonic chains, Frank quotes the shortest sentence in the Bible in a way that suggests he’s finally learned its unsettling secret. Being in tune with our spirituality isn’t always a pleasant experience involving clouds and chubby angels with harps. Religion is strange and scary. But if we’re brave enough to embrace it, our pain can be enlightening, and even pleasurable.

Everything about his final words attest to the fact that this man was a genuine badass. He keeps his cool, even though he knows he’s about to become raptor-chow. Plus, he’s man enough to admit that he’s been out-smarted, and even admires the cunning of his predator. It’s also a statement about the film as a whole and speaks to the fact that they’ve just upset the natural order of things in a way that wasn’t at all clever or wise.

John Doe is the psycho-killer from whose cloth all other psycho-killers after him are cut. Even though the lines have perhaps become a little cheesy after 15 years, they made me jump out of my seat when I saw this film in 1995. These lines are unique, I think, in that they serve so many different roles: they are a confession, a sermon, and John Doe’s bizarre method of suicide.

Rhodes is the undeniable antagonist of the film, but his modus operandi is much like any commander in a hostile, occupational setting: minimize casualties in his own ranks, maintain order, oppress the “locals,” and do so in as cruel and callous a fashion as possible. Of course, the oppressed zombies stage an uprising and have their revenge on Rhodes by devouring his intestines. As they do so, Rhodes, defiant as ever, gives his last command to “choke on ‘em.”

I’ve always loved Brett’s character. He’s not the sharpest tool in the ship’s shed and seems content to follow the lead of his buddy Parker. But he’s a good-natured, working-class kind of guy. I love the way the innocence of his last words are juxtaposed by the appearance of the now fully-grown alien. It suggests that he was simply unprepared to handle the real scale and magnitude of the alien’s threat to the ship and crew.

I love EVERYTHING about this movie. Every frame of it is calculated to generate as much stylized, bad-ass cool as possible. I love the fact that J.T. and his brother continue their long-standing family quarrel over J.T.’s Texas barbecue in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Even when dying of his wounds, J.T. maintains his defiant demeanor and sense of humor by offering to at long last give his brother the recipe just before they blow themselves up in order for everyone else to safely escape.

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1. BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007)
The fact that it’s based on a video game, features a vampiric Billy the Kid, and that it’s directed by Uwe Boll are all really good signs that this film is going to suck. It’s not that you can’t mix vampires and cowboys, or that you can’t alter the image of the West’s most infamous outlaw. I love the way Kris Kristofferson plays Billy as a subversive folk hero in Sam Pekinpah’s version of Billy the Kid. I even liked the way Emilio Estevez infused the western legend with a contemporary street-gang ethos. But depicting Billy as the vampire king of a horde of undead cowboys just doesn’t work. Many bad sequels will use their time in space or the Old West to reflect and gain new perspective before returning to the present. Some sequels, such as this one, should stay there and never come back.

2. Jason X (2001)
By the time we got to Jason X, it was clear that the franchise had run out of ideas. Jason had died and been re-animated countless times. He’d been to Manhattan, and he’d been to Hell. So the only thing left was to take him to space. It’s a silly premise, but it kind of works. In particular, the virtual simulation of Crystal Lake is a lot of fun to watch. Ultimately, Jason is a terrestrial creature, but his quick orbit in space did give the franchise a little more breathing room.

3. Hellraiser 4: Bloodline (1996)
My favorite review ofHellraiser: Bloodline puts it this way: “In space, um, no one, um, nevermind.” The film begins in 2127, with flashforwards within flashbacks, and it features things like a giant, laser beam shooting space station called the “Elysium Configuration.” Esoteric would be the academic term for it. Confusing as all hell is probably a better descriptor. Hardcore fans of the franchise like this film because it ties everything together and explains the origins of the various “Configurations.” I find it odd that it took launching Pinhead into orbit to explain it all, but so be it. Call me old-fashioned, but I think the franchise was far better off in that creepy attic from the first installment. Hellraiser 4 did mark the end, in a way, of the franchise, as the rest of the sequels were direct-to-dvd.

4. Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)
Just as it’s a sign that a franchise is in trouble when it moves to the Old West, it’s also a bad sign when a franchise resorts to “origin” stories. In particular, I’m thinking of films such as the altogether lackluster X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but even good films such as Casino Royale prove that the franchise desperately needed the reboot. Tremors 4 in no way lives up to the original, but it isn’t all that bad, and the Old West background makes far more sense and is far more believable than, say, a film that features a Leprechaun in outer space.

5. Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)
A small part of me admires a franchise that so blatantly and recklessly uses every gimmick in the book—a novelty villain, a “bride of” sequel, a Vegas setting, and then the little green bastard is launched into space. And he should have stayed there, out of harm’s way in lunar orbit, or in a fiery trajectory into the heart of the sun, but in the next sequel, he’s back on earth and in “the hood,”and then in the hood again in that film’s follow up. Being a native and resident of the Appalachian mountains, I am a little bit insulted that we haven’t yet seen a Hillbilly Leprechaun.

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“We’ll tear your pants apart!”

~ Pinhead, HELLRAISER

“I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s pants was purely and simply…
evil.”

~ Dr. Loomis, HALLOWEEN

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his pants with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

~ Dr. Hannibal Lecter, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

“The counselors weren’t paying any attention… They were making pants while
that young boy drowned. His name was Jason.”

~ Pamela Voorhees, FRIDAY THE 13th

“You bastards! Give me back my pants!”

~ Ash, EVIL DEAD II

“When there’s no more room in pants, the
dead will walk the Earth.”

~ Peter, DAWN OF THE DEAD

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4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: The Thing Edition
5. The Final Word(s) in Horror

friend of the site, fellow blogger, horrorsquad contributor, highly opinionated goofball and all-around nice guy brad mchargue runs a horror film podcast called dead wrong!. each episode is recorded as a commentary track to a particular horror film, with brad debating the merits of the film with someone of a contrary opinion. past episodes have covered DAWN OF THE DEAD, INSIDE, DOG SOLDIERS, and THE DESCENT — but recently i was invited to participate in a debate covering diablo cody’s recent foray into the horror genre, JENNIFER’S BODY.

those who frequent this site may recall that i named JENNIFER’S BODY my favorite horror film of 2009, so it should come as no surprise that brad is taking the “JENNIFER’S BODY makes me want to a punch a baby in the face” stance, while i attempt to defend it. the movie. not the baby. although, i would, if there were an actual baby. i think it’s metaphorical. anyway — you can hear the episode at ilovehorror.net, horrorsquad or, better yet, subscribe to the entire podcast through itunes (go to advanced/subscribe to podcast).

dead wrong! podcast feed:
http://www.ilovehorror.net/feed/podcast

you could also just download the episode or listen to it below.

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2. RSS Feeds
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5. Dye of the Dead

6. plant goo from space, CREEPSHOW

stephen king isn’t much of a director or an actor, but the one exception to this is his incredibly humorous portrayal of simple-minded jordy verrill in CREEPSHOW. jordy is in dire financial trouble (he’s behind on a $200 loan from the bank). he thinks he’s struck gold when he stumbles across a meteorite, reasonably wondering “how much they’ll pay for this up the college?” unfortunately for jordy, the meteorite contains a fast-growing plant-like organism that quickly consumes everything it touches. his home, belongings and eventually even he himself becomes completely covered in the moss-like substance, leaving jordy few options not involving watering himself or trying to get a gig as a chia-pet spokesman. while leading credence to the panspermia theory of how life arose on earth, this story ends rather pessimistically for our planet’s current residents with the organism slowly spreading outward from jordy’s home, destroying and/or covering everything in its path.

5. biollante, GODZILLA VS BIOLLANTE

no one creates and/or revives gigantic, destructive monsters quite like the japanese. see if you can follow this… after a particularly brutal rampage by godzilla, clean-up crews collected several pieces of his skin. a scientist decided it would be a good idea to try to make more resilient and hearty crops by splicing godzilla’s dna found in the skin into plants. other nations disapproved of this obviously brilliant idea, and bombed the japanese scientist’s lab, killing the scientist’s daughter in the process. in a rather sweet (but also creepy) move, the scientist splices his daughter’s dna into a rose bush in the hopes of preserving some aspect of her. years later, with the rose bush dying, the creepy father/scientist decides to try to keep the plant alive by splicing in godzilla’s dna as well (making this a rose/daughter/giant monster bouquet, which is roughly the same thing has having a loving child). unfortunately this doesn’t go so well, and the flower turns into a giant, slobbering monstrosity named biollante, complete with tusks and vines with mouths. godzilla and biollante roll around for a while on model buildings, but the fight ends up roughly a draw with godzilla sinking into the ocean and biollante turning into a bunch of space spores (while not yet confirmed by toho, those spores may have given rise to another of godzilla’s adversaries — space godzilla!). biollante is some-what reminiscent of audrey ii in appearance, but is larger, more dangerous, more mobile and has much less of a singing voice.

4. pods, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS

of all the evil plants listed here, these are probably the least outwardly violent but also the sneakiest. like little green crouching tigers, space pods sit patiently, waiting for you to be at your most vulnerable. once you’re asleep, their creepy little tendrils slink out and digest you, leaving a near perfect duplicate in your place. the resulting ‘pod people’ are identical to the originals, except they are devoid of emotion, are set on world domination, screech a lot and are communist (well, at least metaphorically). approaching the whole taking over the world thing from a “change the system from within” approach is indeed a clever plan, which is surprising given the idea came from a bunch of plant pods. still, you can’t come down too hard on the pods because regardless of which version of the story you watch, their plan seems to be very effective, besting even the likes of david sutherland and jeff goldblum.

3. leaves, THE RELIC

i’ve seen THE RELIC a few times, but i still don’t fully understand the plot. to the best of my understanding, there are these south american leaves that contain a mutating virus. coming into contact with these leaves will slowly turn you into a cgi rhinoceros-thing that tears up museums and has an insatiable hunger for said leaves, human hypothalamuses (hypothalamusi?) and tom sizemore. this creature, known as the mbwun (literal translation: “he who walks on all fours;” more useful loose translation: “he who just ate your brainstem“), is basically the result of a particularly unfunny practical joke the natives play on white men who come into their jungle and try to take their statues. moral of the story? do not go to south america and try to take other people’s statues.

2. trees, THE EVIL DEAD

while most of the plants on our list are content to just take over the world, dissolve you into your base minerals or smash you to a pulp, the kandarian demon possessed foliage of sam raimi’s THE EVIL DEAD kick things up a notch by trying to rape you. i suppose we’re lucky this idea never occurred to audrey 2 or biollante, but that will likely do little to comfort someone when they’re being felt-up by a pine tree. in THE EVIL DEAD, the trees actually leave cheryl alive after their encounter, but no one (not even her brother, ash) believes what happened to her. while the crimes of these trees may pale objectively in comparison to the murderous world-destroying antics of some of the other plants on this list, THE EVIL DEAD trees get our #2 spot because, come on — raping your sister? in terms of evil vegetation, this shit just got personal.

1. vines, THE RUINS

i made THE RUINS my #1 horror film of 2008 and i’m making its central villain #1 on this list as well because THE RUINS didn’t just make plants scary — it made them terrifying. playing off our fears of nature, disease and bodily intrusion, the vines from THE RUINS are the stuff of nightmares. without warning, they can drag you off into some dark, moist area and drink you alive… and that’s if you’re lucky! if you’re not, they’ll slowly grow into a wound, take root within, drive you insane and eat you from the inside out. fun!

so yeah — while you shouldn’t f with any of the plants on this list, personally i’d much rather face a hungry tomato, a druid god, a singing venus fly trap, or even an old-fashioned tree rapin’ before i got anywhere near the ancient architecture loving botanical bastards from THE RUINS.

Related posts:

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2. Horror Movie Plots That Could Have Been Defused By Someone Not Being a Douchbebag
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4. Horror Community Highlights – September 4th, 2009
5. Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards

11. the kingdom plantae, THE HAPPENING

it’s never stated exactly which plants are targeting people with a suicide-inducing neurotoxin, but the implication seems to be just about all of them. scientifically unsound, it’d hard to believe that rose bushes and pine trees both evolved the same toxin simultaneously — but that’s not really this film’s biggest problem. the larger issue is a horror film that asks you to be afraid of chia pets. still, if this were to really happen you would be wise to find a way to appease our new leafy overlords as there appears to be little you could do to avoid the effects of this neurotoxin — except wait a few days for this new evolutionary adaptation to disappear. as they are apparently prone to do, in fantasy worlds designed around m. night shamalamadingdong’s fourth grade understanding of botany.

10. the family tree, POLTERGEIST

take POLTERGEIST as a lesson, kids — if your dad tells you that thing you’re afraid of is nothing to worry about and that you should actually be comforted by it — know that the object of your fear is definitely going to try to eat you. soon. luckily for robbie, the killer tree in the front yard was just a distraction to suck carol anne into the closet of phantasmagorical sucking, but that doesn’t mean that the creepy tree outside your window isn’t dead set on making you into a late night snack. to creepy trees, all you are is a little pajama-clad, blood-filled twinkie.

9. audrey ii, LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

while it isn’t rare for plants on this list to crave human blood, it is unique to this entry that the plant in question can talk, (and in most versions) sing and dance. while audrey ii started off cute enough sucking drops of blood from seymour’s fingers, he/she quickly becomes a force to be reckoned with, demanding more fresh blood and freshly murdered singing dentists to satisfy his/her appetite. while seemingly destroyed before completing his/her plan to spread his/her seeds across the planet in the 1986 film version, audrey ii is more successful in the original stage play, apparently succeeding in killing seymour and starting a world-wide plantegeddon. while this is true of many of the plants on this list, the basic lesson here appears to be “don’t screw around with plants from outer space.”

8. druid tree god, THE GUARDIAN

while the druid tree god may seem like a good buddy to have in the beginning of this film (when the forest stops a nanny from being raped), especially given that its female followers tend to get naked surprisingly often. however, its desire for human infant sacrifices revealed later in the film is probably a deal-breaker. as far as deadliness goes, the druid tree god is actually kind of a push over. just remember to a) not feed it any infants and b) bring a chainsaw.

7. tomatoes, ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES

while many films keep the plant based threat hidden until mid-way through the picture, the threat from tomatoes is stated quite clearly in this film’s opening song. as it says, “they’ll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch, and finish you off for dinner or lunch!” that doesn’t give you a lot of wiggle room for survival, or so it would seem in the earlier parts of this send up of b-movie classics. as it turns out, tomatoes (or at least those of the “killer” variety) share a devastating weakness — they shrink and become incapacitated when they hear the song “puberty love” (or, in at least once case, simply have the sheet music for the song shown to them). while it’s fairly unlikely you’ll be involved in a killer tomato related altercation, it’s probably best to have “puberty love” loaded on your ipod, just in case.

keep your roundup handy for next week, when we count down the final six plants that you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark greenhouse.

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5. Clues Your Movie Is From 1977

the house of the devil

the house of the devil is a beautifully shot film that, true to the 1980s films it so carefully emulates, is a slow-burn tension builder with an explosive third act. everything about this film, such as the opening/closing credits, the film stock “look” and the inclusion of dated fashion statements like acid-washed jeans and handmade friendship bracelets are carefully crafted to make this film seem like it was made in the mid 1980s. the film’s promotion has even gone so far as to even include a vhs copy of the film in certain dvd bundles. despite a slow and suspenseful build-up in the first hour of the film, the pay-off in the film’s finale is disappointingly unsatisfying. while i detest over-explanation, there is such a thing as being too vague and just stubbornly refusing to answer important plot questions. add in that the film’s final reveal is a bit confusing and contradictory, and you’re left with a decent little thriller that, while it wouldn’t have made my ‘best of’ list for 2009, is still worth a look. it’s also worth noting that it also serves as a nice cautionary tale to would-be minions of the dark lord: if you’re a virgin-sacrificing demon-worshiper, you really should take up boating or something and learn to tie a damn knot.

pontypool

after hearing so many good things about pontypool, i was really looking forward to it. difficult to find for rental, i broke down and ordered a copy from amazon to satisfy my zombie-lust for what brad mchargue called the best horror film of 2009 and entertainment weekly named the 19th best zombie film of all time. i really wanted to like this film, and as the first third of film played out, like it i did. but then something happened. as the horror ramped up in the plot, it became clear that we were never actually going to witness the horror… we were only going to hear about it. the film takes place almost entirely within a radio station which, if handled really well, would be fine. however, the events being described by witnesses and news reports sound so much more interesting than what happens in this film’s single location with its three ridiculously undeveloped and unsympathetic characters.

you may have heard that this is ‘a thinking person’s’ zombie film. and, in many ways, that is true. the central concept of the film is a zombie-like virus that spreads to people not through bites and bodily fluid, but through language. metaphorically rich, the film uses this idea to comment liberally on politics, the nature of communication and pop culture, and as a reason to pose various philosophical hum-dingers. what it doesn’t do, though, is insert all these “messages” into an engaging, believable story with tense situations and sympathetic characters. by the end of the film, the characters are really little more than mouth-pieces for whatever philosophical or political satire the filmmakers wanted to push forward. at one point in the film, a doctor climbs through an open window (in a building the other characters had allegedly locked down due to the rampaging hordes outside) and immediately begins spouting exposition into the radio station’s microphone. it’s like the writer said “well, we need someone smart to explain all this linguistic/pseudo-science mumbo-jumbo, so let’s just have a scientist crawl through a window and start spouting explanations with no rational motivation for doing so — i’m sure no one will notice.”

don’t get me wrong — there are some good, original ideas in pontypool. mixing complicated linguistic, psychological, philosophical and political concepts, i’ve seen the film described as “what you’d get if noam chomsky made a zombie movie” (if that was my description, i might mention richard dawkins as well). throwing all of that into a zombie scenario is a brilliant concept, but, at least for me, it takes more than just an interesting idea to make a film compelling. with no character development, no scares, no tension and unbelievable dialogue and character motivations, the “message” of the film seems to be the only thing that the filmmakers care about and that makes the whole film come across as intellectualized art-school masturbation. If you’re that focused on putting forward your political and philosophical ideas, then maybe it’d be better to make a documentary, write a linguistics journal article or call in to a political talk-radio show than frame it in a horror film. oh, and the ‘epilogue’ the film shows after the credits made me want to microwave the dvd. and then jump up-and-down on it. and then throw it out into the snowmegeddon that was crushing washington, dc at the time.

i tried really, really hard to like pontypool, but just couldn’t manage to do it. however, you should take that opinion with a grain of salt, seeing as i seem to be in the minority on this one and i’m the guy who thinks jennifer’s body is the best horror film of 2009.

zombieland

call me an uneducated simpleton, but after being disappointed by pontypool, i put in zombieland and said to myself, “yeah, this is more f’ing like it.” from the opening credits i knew i was going to love zombieland… and that proved true all the way through, up to and including the brief after-credits zinger. perfect casting (thankfully they recast emma stone in the role previously slated for mila kunis), super-charged zombies, and a surprising amount of heart for a film so filled with action and laughs, zombieland would have easily made my “best of 2009″ list (likely right below drag me to hell). woody harrelson is hilarious as the bad-ass southern zombie slayer, and jesse eisenberg’s awkward, but oddly likable wuss complements him perfectly. my favorite part of the film, however, has to be the placement of the zombie “rules” within the zombieland world itself. what could have broken the fourth wall and pulled you out of the film turns out to be a primary source of the film’s humor and charm. highly recommended. want a sequel. now.

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jennifer’s body
maybe it’s because megan fox was a part of the travesty that is transformers 2 or because i had no idea going in that the film was scribed by juno writer diablo cody, but i expected jennifer’s body to suck and suck hard. given such low expectations, it’s not a huge shock then that it surpassed them… but what was shocking was by how much. this is a damn good movie! a smart mixture of heathers, buffy the vampire slayer and the exorcist, jennifer’s body is a funny, bitingly satirical film revolving around the often unhealthy and parasitic nature of teen female friendships. while perhaps not oscar-worthy, megan fox turns in a surprisingly layered performance, deals very well with cody’s highly stylized dialogue and (as shown to the left) pulls off one hell of a creepy smile. not a perfect film, but highly recommended. just make sure to avoid the inferior theatrical version and watch the unrated director’s cut instead.

the butcher
referring to the snuff-film-within-a-gore-film in the butcher, a character says “i know we can sell it to the US. they’re always looking for something bloody.” and, you know… he’s right, because i was intrigued enough by the description of this low-budget korean hostel knock-off to cue it up on netflix watch instantly. and while there are a few unique disturbing images to be found in the butcher (a first-person view of a homosexual rape by a man wearing a pig’s head leaps to mind), all lose their impact due to poor setup of the situations, shoddy camera-work and the incessant and annoying babbling, squealing and whining of the main character. i have no doubt i would be reduced to a babbling wreck as well if kidnapped and tortured, but the primary victim in the butcher takes it to such ridiculous, comedic extremes that they should have just named the film a guy cries, yells, begs, spits and crawls around in the dirt for about an hour. the film seems to have few aspirations above qualifying for the label ‘torture porn’ and, in that, it does succeed. and while it may fit very squarely into that subgenre, it’s not a very noteworthy example of it.

wrong turn 3: left for dead
many seem to prefer the campiness and insanity of the sequel to the original film, but in my mind wrong turn 2 doesn’t hold a candle to wrong turn. while i will not deny the inherent awesome-ness in having henry rollins square off against a bunch of cannibal hillbillies in the second film, the original wrong turn had a terrifying atmosphere and vicious tone that the sequel lacked. wrong turn 3 follows in that trend, replacing style and scares with camp and over-the-top comic violence. the kills are entertaining enough, but both the script and characters (even the once-creepy cackling antagonist, “three-finger”) are dull and lifeless. wrong turn 3 didn’t bore me to tears, but left me wishing for something that more firmly built on the scares of the first film or was more successful at imitating the ridiculous antics of the second.

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4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)
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1. Dracula (1931)
When I was five years old, the Book Mobile came to my elementary school every other month or so. I couldn’t yet read anything more advanced than “Run Spot Run,” so I never got all that excited about it, until one day I noticed this big, glossy book with lots of photos and movie stills from what I later came to know as classic Universal horror films. I gave up my ice-cream money for that book, and pretty much wore the thing out. I loved the pictures of the The Fly, The Mummy, and The Wolfman, but it was Bela Lugosi’s Dracula that hooked me more than the others. Of course, I couldn’t articulate why I was so interested in his character, but I think it was his combination of menace and sophistication, animal ferocity and cultivation. As a kid, it gave me a whole new way to think about the monsters that I thought lurked beneath my bed. Even though I begged them, my parents never did let me actually watch Browning’s Dracula until I was much older, but Bela Lugosi’s strange portrayal captivated my childhood imagination for years.

2. The Omen (1976)
I was around ten years old when this film started making its way into the movie of the week circuit, and one weekend I stayed up late and sneaked into my parent’s basement to watch it. I remember thinking the story was a little boring and hard to follow, until I realized that the kid in the film was not human, and this his parents were probably going to have to kill him. As an adult, I really don’t care for this film, but as a kid, it was shocking to think about the fact that the relationship between children and adults can be violent and antagonistic. And I can distinctly remember spending hours the next day in front of the bathroom mirror looking for a 666 birth-mark hidden deep in my scalp.

3. The Shining (1980)
I grew up in a rural town, so it was a really big deal when we finally got cable one summer. As part of a promotional package, we got two free weeks of Showtime, which I pretty much watched non-stop. Most of the time, I’d gather the neighborhood boys to watch Emmanuel, but one day in the middle of the week I decided to watch The Shining by myself. It might have been the creepy music, the claustrophobic setting, the story’s uncanny blend of real-life and supernatural threats, or the fact that much of the film is from Danny’s point-of-view, but The Shining effed me up like no film ever has, or likely ever will again. Even though this film scarred my fragile adolescent psyche, it had at least one positive effect. For the rest of the summer, I dreaded being inside or in any kind of confined space, so I spent most of my remaining free time learning to play baseball. It turned out to be a pretty good summer. Still, like Danny’s insatiable curiosity to peak behind door #237, I knew I’d never get rid of my new-found need to see if the next horror film would scare me as badly as The Shining.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Around the age of thirteen, I discovered slashers and rented every one of them I could find at the local video store. I came to love all that low-budget gore, cheesy dialogue, and lurid stories about relentless killers and intrepid teenage survivors. And then I rented The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was unlike any slasher I had ever seen. It didn’t follow any of the conventions, and it didn’t even seem like a movie at all, but an hour and twenty minutes of raw, uncut screaming and brutality. I didn’t have enough savvy at the time to understand that Hooper used a deliberate “documentary” aesthetic to give the film a kind of gritty naturalism. But I did learn that when it comes to horror films, the rules of conventional story-telling or standard decency don’t always apply, and that no other genre of film could be more thrilling.

5. Return of the Living Dead (1985)
As a teenager, I learned so many things from this film. First, I learned that zombie films aren’t just gory social commentary about our own inhumanity, but can be smart, funny, and provocative, all at the same time. Second, I learned that punk rockers have the coolest nicknames, i.e., Trash, Scuz, Spider, and Suicide. Third, I learned that no matter how much I would come to hate my after-school job as a bag boy, it couldn’t get any worse than Freddy’s first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company. And finally, I learned that 1985 was THE year that defined the zeitgeist of that decade, but NOT because of The Breakfast Club. For me, the 80s will always be best defined by The Return of the Living Dead. In fact, this film is unique to this list in that none of the above films still scare me like they did when I was a kid, but this one takes me right back to 1985 and still entertains me every single time I watch it.

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paranormal activity
while the year is not yet over, i can easily state that paranormal activity will be on my top ten list for the year and has a damn good chance at the #1 slot. the hype surrounding it just keeps growing, but after seeing the film last week i have no problem saying that the hype is well-deserved. it’s not often that a film gets under my skin and continues creeping me out long after the credits have rolled… but paranormal activity did just that.

this film isn’t going to please everyone, especially those looking for an action/gore packed roller-coaster ride. this is a slow-burn, suspense-driven piece that may not work for those that quickly grow impatient with films of this sort (e.g., the blair witch project). further, paranormal activity really needs to be seen in a crowded theater to be fully enjoyed. the sense of dread and anticipation of each scare is palatable in the theater, and i just don’t see that working at home nearly as well unless you make sure you’re watching it with as few distractions as possible (i.e., turn out the lights, put away your iphone and give the film your full attention). still, i’m looking forward to the dvd release, not just because of the much-talked-about alternate endings, but because it may be a more comfortable experience when viewed from underneath the blanket i’ll undoubtedly need to be hiding under in order to watch it again.

saw vi
paranormal activity got thrown into the boxoffice ring with the reigning champ of late october horror films, the saw franchise. despite decent reviews, saw vi got pummelled its opening weekend… which makes this ridiculous poster for the film i saw at the theater rather ironic. however, despite the boxoffice beating that saw vi took to a film that cost less than a used hyundai to make, there was another shocker… saw vi is actually decent. i’ve always liked the saw series overall, but even i was about to jump ship after part 5. luckily they’ve steered the series back on course with part 6, creating a film heavy on political satire (think hostel meets michael moore’s sicko) and arguably as good as any of the previous sequels. oh, and you get to see tanedra, who won scream queens season one, overact quite a bit. so that’s fun too.

the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface
despite a spectacularly over-the-top performance from viggo “aragon” mortenson as a sexually conflicted cowboy (long before brokeback mountain made it cool), this is just not a very good movie. i really enjoy the platinum dunes remake, but for those that complain that michael bay ruined the this franchise… i point you towards the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface (and the even worse texas chainsaw massacre: the next generation) as evidence that the series was already ruined.

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3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching — The Power of Expectation Edition
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)

seventh moon
i kinda enjoyed seventh moon, but that may have a lot to do with its story hitting pretty close to home. it’s about a couple on their honeymoon in an exotic locale which turns against them. having just gotten back from my own honeymoon (which was my first trip out of the country), it wasn’t hard for me to identify with the main characters. the documentary visual style (very similar to that used in open water) further heightened the creepy factor. the first half of the film worked better for me than the last half because, once the threat is revealed (see the cover), i realized i’m just not all that scared of skinny, bald, pasty-white chinese guys. still, while i wouldn’t recommend it as highly as the children (the best of this year’s four ghost house film releases), i’d still suggest checking it out.

the thaw
the thaw really isn’t all that bad, but i would probably like it a lot more if it hadn’t stolen 90% of its story and ideas from the classic x-files episode “ice” (which, admittedly, stole many of its ideas from john carpenter’s the thing). the thing, “ice” and the thaw all revolve around a research team uncovering a parasite frozen for centuries that infects one or more of the team, leading to a panic and anger-filled game of “who’s infected and who’s not”, followed by a thrilling round of “should we leave here or quarantine ourselves for the betterment of the world.” the thaw throws in val kilmer, some gore and wraps it all up in a silly little eco-terrorism bow, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.

offspring
this is, by far, the worst of the four recent ghost house pictures offerings. based on a jack ketchum novel (which, i believe, is a sequel to a novel that hasn’t been filmed yet), the story revolves around a lighthouse keeper’s children who went native for some reason and started living in caves and wearing really cheesy tarzan outfits. occasionally they get hungry and wander away from their caves (situated along the new england/canadian border) to invade people’s homes and eat them. and steal their babies. a few insulting movie cliches get thrown in for good measure (the “so-evil-it’s-ridiculous” abusive ex-husband, the overweight alcoholic villain-obsessed ex-cop, etc.), but mainly the film is about a bunch of kids in flintstones costumes grunting and pulling out fake intestines from people’s tummies. despite what the boxart may tell you, it’s not compelling, it’s not frightening and it’s not controversial… it’s just silly.

clive barker’s book of blood
clive barker adaptations are usually hit-or-miss, but book of blood falls mostly into the ‘hit’ category. watching it “feels” more like reading barker’s prose than anything i’ve seen before, largely due to the bbc quality of the video and the undeniably british-ness of just about everything. the majority of the scares are of the amityville-esque paranormal researcher ‘haunted house’ variety, which may not satisfy hellraiser fans more accustomed to the ‘chains ripping people into a million pieces and giant penis demons’ variety of horror. that said, book of blood does feature one of the more grotesque facial removal scenes i’ve ever witnessed. ick! the climax of the film doesn’t really live up to the setup, but overall i quite liked book of blood.

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2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (documentary edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching — Needs More Cowbell Edition
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching — The Power of Expectation Edition
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)

One of the most intriguing packages we’ve ever received at Evil On Two Legs came addressed to Corey Feldman. Of course, there is a Corey who writes for Eo2L, but unfortunately he’s not Fel-dawg. I was even more intrigued when I saw that this package contained a review copy of a new, independent film called Zombeak!. However, I’ve been disappointed more times than I care to recall by independent films that have amateur camera work, poor lighting, cornball dialogue, and little entertainment value. Still, when you’re called upon to review a film in the name of Corey Feldman, you answer that call, mister. And I’m glad I did, because Zombeak! is one of the most original and fun movies I’ve seen all year.

In the film, a gang of Satanists kidnaps Melissa, a sassy southern waitress, to be their dark lord’s sacrificial bride. But they bungle the job so badly that the devil is forced to take the form of a chicken. This might sound like your typical b-grade camp, but the unique and well-acted characters make this film work. The Satanists include a sultry temptress who’s just itching for some demonic loving, a wimpy goth kid whose heart really isn’t in any of this, a flamboyant leader who simply loves the theatrics of it all, and a hairy, muscled behemoth in a pink t-shirt with gender-identity issues and whose motivations are anybody’s guess. The rednecks who rally to rescue Melissa include her boyfriend Bobby Ray who refuses to fight the Satanists because he’s afraid of going to hell “for hitting retards,” the manager of the Cooters fried chicken restaurant where Melissa works, and Bobby Ray’s bible-spewing, head-cracking older brother who commands us all to “worship less chicken, more Jesus.”

You could argue that Zombeak! is a parody of stereotypes or religious fundamentalism, but that’s really beside the point. The film has no pretensions whatsoever. And I love that. And while this film probably isn’t going to scare you, or even gross you out, it is irreverent and quirky. The cast and crew obviously care about the film they’re making, and they have a lot of fun doing so. And all of that translates into a very entertaining 72 minutes.

In fact, I was so impressed by Zombeak!, that I sent some questions to writer/director Sam Drog, who was kind enough to offer his responses below.

Eo2L: Zombeak! is a lot of fun to watch because you so obviously love the horror genre, and it shows in every frame of your film. I could detect the influences of Candy Man, The Evil Dead, and an homage or two to Ed Wood,especially in the Tor-esque character Samuel/Lucy. What other films influenced Zombeak!?

Sam Drog: The big influences on this are John Waters and Mario Bava. I love what both of those guys did with no money, and John Water’s dialogue is just so damn good, and then you mix in Mario Bava for the look. And especially Vascara is a homage to Barbara Steele in Black Sunday. Love me some Bava. When in doubt; rip off Bava. So the Dark Shadows tv soap was also floating around in there, and Roger Corman. But necessity was the real influence. Make something.

I took your film as a kind of parody of religious fanaticism. The evil Satanists turn out to be pushovers, the devil is a chicken, and Fasmagger struck me as a crazy, bible-spewing parody of right-wing fundamentalist. Is that a fair assessment, or am I reading way too much into a movie about a demonic chicken?

Yeah, that is in there, but I tried to keep it locked up in the background. I really wanted the good guys to be fascists and the evil guys to be intellectuals. That is sort of the gist of a lot of movies. There is a bit about belief and how that clouds your humanity sometimes. The evil chicken represents war-torn Europe.

When it comes to chickens, do you prefer dark or light meat? The McChicken or the BK Broiler?

The darkest meat, soaked in the blood of panic! BK Broiler for it was baptized by an inferno of industrial fire! I know, I used to work at Burger King. That is the true hell.

I think Zombeak! is a wonderful testament to low-budget, do-it-yourself film-making. What’s the one thing you’ve learned that you wish you could go back and tell yourself before starting Zombeak!?

It’s only a movie, it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie. Also, have a definite schedule for post production and stick to it. Have an exit strategy. Once you are in the mouth of madness it can be hard to find your way out.

Which came first, the story of Zombeak! or its title?

The movie was going to be called Voodoo Chicken at first, but Voodoo ain’t all bad. I figured no one would care if I made fun of Satanists. If Satanists are sensitive about that, well there you go, my point exactly. Go cry on a goat.

Unless I’m sadly mistaken, Zombeak! is not a re-make of an older film. What is your opinion of the seemingly endless stream of horror film remakes?

I suppose the filmmakers that spent their lives in the trenches, sweated and bled over these now classic films ARE getting their piece of the action too. John Carpenter is hilarious because he just comes out and says as long as he gets paid a lot of money, who cares? So if the icons of horror, the Romeros, the Hoopers, and the rest are able to get a pay day where all they have to do is sit back and count their money, I say go for it. They’ve suffered enough. Let them enjoy some restitution for being called hacks their whole lives. Who’s laughing now?

THE FACT THAT ALL THE REMAKES SUCK! is just more proof how with all the money in the world, the big shots in Hollywood can’t recapture that passion, that lightning in the bottle achieved by the outsiders who with nothing went out and created the modern horror genre. I think it is hysterical that with all their toys and bells and whistles can’t make a descent chainsaw maniac movie. There is no do or die in the remakes. In the originals, it was hail Mary passes to keep them from working at the hardware store the rest of their lives. The desperation and discomfort and passion part of the vibe in those films. The remakes don’t have that feeling.

The “Cooters” restaurant is obviously modeled after “Hooters,” but I noticed that Cooters served southern fried chicken and mashed potatoes instead of chicken-wings. What’s up with that?

Our one continuity error, good eye!

Melissa may be a smoking hot “Cooters” waitress, but she’s not your stereotypical dumb blond or coy final girl. She’s strong and sassy and quickly takes charge of the situation. Is her character a deliberate statement about the male-oriented horror genre or its frequent depictions of feminine victimization? Or am I once again reading too much into a film about a possessed chicken?

Girls are smarter then guys, have a higher pain threshold, and look better holding an ax. I modeled her character after Frenchy from Forbidden Zone, who just insulted her captors the entire time. Also Reese Witherspoon from Freeway. Both the women in Zombeak! are much more the catalysts then the guys. Plus, it’s more fun to write one liners for tough chicks.

What is the craziest/funniest/strangest thing to happen during the production of Zombeak!?

The house we shot in was infested with squatters that we had to run out, and then scrape their feces off the floor before shooting. It was strange just being on the set, with the baby heads and upside down crosses everywhere. It was a weird vibe every day. Like walking around in a cartoon. We are cutting together the documentary now. We are releasing it as a series of webisodes called Behind the Beak. Here’s the Youtube channel.

I’m the guy in the green jacket.

What are you working on now?

Clown Versus Monkey, coming in Halloween 2010. I’m preselling the DVD to raise the budget. Check it out!

Best Horror Film Ever?

Carnival of Souls

Which is better, Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness?

Evil Dead 2, it gave us chainsaw hand, nothing anyone ever comes up with will be as cool as chainsaw hand.

Freddy or Jason?

Jason. He is a wall of evil. A force of nature. Freddy is all magic and shit.

My Bloody Valentine 3D or Friday the 13th (2009)?

BV3D, it had Tom Atkins, it should win Best Picture just for having the good taste to do that.

Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 or The Final Destination 3-D?

I’m torn! I really DON’T KNOW! FD3D. Zombie must be punished for remaking Halloween. We shouldn’t encourage him. However, I am looking forward to El Superbeasto.

Transformers, Cloverfield, The Dark Knight, District 9. Rank from “awesome” to “totally awesome.”

I’m out of the loop, but the best three movies of ‘08 for me were Doomsday, Dark Knight, and Death Race. ‘Cause I’m all classy like that.

Related posts:

1. Welcome to Evil On Two Legs
2. Horror Community Highlights – December 6, 2009
3. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)

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1. Anaconda (1997)
I’m not sure why I’ve never seen this movie, as I recall seeing a pretty cool trailer involving a lithe and wicked-looking snake whipping around a boat. And I know that it stars some venerable actors, including Jon Voight, and that rapper who sang “Mama Said Knock You OUT.” Maybe it’s this connection to rap music that’s kept me from seeing it. Don’t’ get me wrong, I like rap as much as the next guy, but being a child of the 80s, I can’t help but think of the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” whenever I hear the word “Anaconda.” It’s just part of my subconscious now. So thank you very much Sir Mix-A-Lot. You’ve kept me from seeing what I’m sure is one of the better films ever made about a giant reptile eating Angelina Jolie’s father.

2. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
I like The Omen, The Exorcist, The Prince of Darkness, The Ninth Gate, The First Power, The Car, The Devil’s Advocate, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, and I even kind of like Bedazzled and My Demon Lover. The first song I remember loving as a kid is Charlie Daniels’ “The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Let’s face it, the Devil is just plain interesting. Add in the fact that this is one of the seminal films from legendary and controversial director Roman Polanski, and it’s ludicrous that I haven’t seen Rosemary’s Baby. I know little about the film except that it stars Mia Farrow, so if Woody Allen is the demonic father of her onscreen hell baby, I’ll kick myself even harder for not seeing this.

3. An American Werewolf In Paris (1997)
One of the things I love about An American Werewolf In London is its strange and unsettling mixture of horror and comedy. I imagine that the Parisian sequel has even more hijinks than the original, with plenty of characters comically slipping on banana peels and whatnot. I’ll wager that the story goes something like this: a romance develops between an all-American wolf-boy and a young French waif, but their relationship is doomed after an inane but tenacious French detective stumbles upon the mutilated, half-eaten body of a well-loved mime.

4. Stir Of Echoes (1999)
This is a film I’ve had in limbo at the bottom of my Netflix queue for years now. I’ve always heard that it’s a pretty good ghost story featuring Kevin Bacon. If I remember correctly, I think the film is about an all-American town haunted by the tragic deaths of some high school kids who were drinking and driving after their box social. Kevin Bacon plays the part of a strange newcomer who must cleanse this town of its ghosts through the power of rock ‘n’ roll and the sheer force of his furious dancing.

5. Dog Soldiers (2002)
The only reason this film is on my list is because my co-writer, Corey, suggested that I include it. I have never seen a trailer for this film, read any reviews of this film, or even heard anyone mention this film until he did. So I figured it must be a film along the lines of Ginger Snaps—a really good film that somehow never got the mainstream attention it deserved. But Corey seemed amazed I’d never seen it, so it must be some kind of mega-hit that I just somehow missed. Apparently, you can even buy Dog Soldiers action figures. And, as Corey pointed out to me, there are no Ginger Snaps action figures (but I say there should be).

6. Dead Alive (aka Braindead) (1992)
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I knew him from Heavenly Creatures, his superbly crafted film about the tenderness and cruelty of adolescent obsessions. Apparently, he also made splatter films about zombies and aliens, and one of them, so I’ve been told, features muppets. I REALLY hope it’s Dead Alive, because I think undead muppets would be a wonderful way to introduce kids to the delightful world of re-animated corpses ushering in the apocalypse.

7. Cujo (1983)
I’ve loved gore films since I was a kid, but I can’t stomach the idea of a dog being injured or hurt in a film. I just about had to stop watching I Am Legend because of that terrible scene involving his dog. So maybe that’s why I‘ve avoided Cujo. I also haven’t read Stephen King’s novel, so I’m really in the dark about this one. Of course, “Cujo” has now become a synonym for “vicious dog,” so I think I’ve got the gist of the story: man’s best friend turns out to be not so friendly after all. I’m pretty sure they used a St. Bernard for the film, and I imagine it’s pretty scary, as they’re big dogs, and usually very friendly and trustworthy. However, I think it would be even scarier to be attacked by a gang of very small dogs, say, beagles or pugs.

8. White Zombie (1932)
I love classic black and white horror films. I think James Whale’s Bride of Frankenstein is just as savvy and sophisticated as anything being made today. I also love zombies. So, once again, I’m at a loss as to why I’ve not yet seen what is credited as being the first zombie film. And it features the original bad-boy of horror, Bela Lugosi. I don’t know exactly what his particular role in the film entails, but I’ve seen stills of his character, and those big, bushy eyebrows and fu Manchu beard are strangely hypnotic. I’m also pretty sure that Rob Zombie’s band White Zombie took its name from this film, so I bet the immaculately coiffed Lugosi is the real inspiration for Rob’s ongoing fascination with long-haired villains, heroes, and every other character type.

9. Prom Night (1980)
I’ve heard the remake of this film really stinks. But I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t seen either one. I know that it’s an important slasher film, and I’ve heard it described as the unofficial sequel to Halloween, largely due to the fact that it features Jamie Lee Curtis as its final girl. I’m sure this film is as good as everyone says, but I don’t think you need to throw a homicidal maniac into the mix to make prom night scary. They’re inherently terrifying events, what with all those awkward teenage boys in their ill-fitting tuxedos and girls in their big, poofy, southern antebellum prom dresses. And I think 1980, in particular, must have been really tough on proms because it was a lousy year for music. Disco was still around, and a lot of music’s best and brightest tragically died in 1980, including Ian Curtis of Joy Division, Darby Darsh of the Germs, Bon Scott of AC/DC, John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, and, of course, John Lennon. And that’s horrifying enough.

10. Black Christmas (1974)
I’m especially embarrassed that I haven’t seen this one, as it’s one of those films that slasher fans constantly reference. I suppose it’s kind of like being a football fan who never watches the Superbowl. I have, however, seen Silent Night, Deadly Night, so I’m not completely in the dark when it comes to violent yuletide films. I know that Olivia Hussey stars in Black Christmas, and I think it must have killed her career. She was brilliant in her portrayal of youthful naiveté and unabashed sexuality in Franco Zeffirelli’s iconic 1968 film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet. But I don’t think her career ever really went anywhere after 1974. And this makes me wonder all the more about what horrible things Santa must have done to her in Black Christmas. I bet it involves something nasty from that big sack of toys he carries around and the repeated use of the phrase “naughty.”

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5. Horror Community Highlights – October 2nd, 2009

Honorable Mentions

Despite Corey’s strong verbal and physical protests, I didn’t include Re-Animator in my list. I love Stuart Gordon. I love the entire Re-Animator franchise. But, truth be told, I don’t think it’s his best Lovecraft adaptation, and I thought I should limit this list to only two selections from his work. Dagon does a better job of capturing Lovecraft’s atmospheric weirdness that permeates nearly every sentence of his prose, while From Beyond does a better job of reflecting Lovecraft’s obsession with treating human flesh and sexuality as grotesque and dangerous terrains. Another work that didn’t make this list is Doug Bradley’s adaptation of “The Outsider.” It’s not actually a film, but Bradley’s reading of the entire story with an original soundtrack, visuals, and animation in the background. Bradley’s voice-acting is incredible, as are the visuals. It’s refreshing that Bradley pays such careful tribute to Lovecraft’s actual text, and I’ve never seen a film come this close to bringing Lovecraft’s work to life. You really have to see it and hear it to believe it. So check out the free preview of the work here.

Lovecraft fans can’t go wrong with any of the films mentioned above. Sadly, however, not all Lovecraft adaptations end up as successful as these. In my next installment on Lovecraft-inspired films, I’ll bravely delve into what consider the worst Lovecraft inspired film adaptations, a list which includes one of the most pathetic Saw knock-offs made thus-far, and a film featuring killer vegetables.

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1. Corey’s 11 Favorite Werewolves
2. Jon’s 10 Favorite Vampires
3. Horror Film Ink: Six Bad-Ass Tattoos (and the Bad-Asses Who Wear Them)
4. Seven Horror Films That Need a Sequel or Reboot
5. Jon’s Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Love MASTERS OF HORROR

What the film lacks in originality it makes up for in tongue-in-cheek humor, ridiculous death sequences and, most of all, 1970s nostalgia. So strong is this film’s tie to the year in which it was made, we’ve used it as the perfect example of how to tell if a film is from the 1970s. Below we’ve listed the key characteristics to be on the look-out for.

1. Title Font

I love the opening sequence of The Car. The music is ominous, the landscape is stark and western, and the film begins in utter darkness with only the film’s title. Simple and effective, the style is reminiscent of 60s psychedilia, but with a sleek modernist aesthetic. Combine this with the pastel green font coloring on a black background, and you’ve just situated your film right in the mid-1970s.

2. Clothing

Aside from leisure suits, no 70s era style dates itself more than bell bottom jeans. In an apparent attempt to out-70s all the other Texas high schools, the students in The Car lead the First Annual Bell Bottom Jeans Parade, shortly before being terrorized by the motorized antagonist.

3. Citizens’ Band Radios

I know that Wade is a lawman, but I found it odd that he has a CB radio on his personal motorcycle. But before I had time to fully rationalize it, I remembered that people were wild about CB radios and trucker culture in the 70s, an aesthetic that culminated in Sam Pekinpah’s 1978 film Convoy. Wade never calls anyone “good buddy” or ends his sentences with “come back,” but I think having a CB mounted to his motorcycle is enough to earn him a Jr. Trucker’s merit badge.

4. Satan

The 70s was a busy decade for the devil, with appearances in such films as The Exorcist, The Devil’s Rain, Satanico Pandemonium, and The Omen, to name just a few. In 1977 it felt like you couldn’t throw a rock without hitting someone or some thing possessed or spawned by the Devil himself.

5. Moustaches

“Give it to me straight, doc. Is my moustache gonna make it?”

6. Hair

Steve McQueen had made motorcycles super cool by 1977, and wearing a helmet just wouldn’t convey the same attitude. On the surface, Wade doesn’t wear a helmet in this scene because he’s a rebel at heart, telling his kids to “do as I say, not as I do.” It’s a horrible parenting philosophy made all the more ironic since Wade’s last name is Parent. But I think Wade really refuses to wear a helmet because he’s so obviously overjoyed in this scene as the wind rustles through his perfectly feathered, 70s style hair.

7. Sunglasses

I don’t know who first invented this striking pose, in which the sunglasses slide down to the tip of the nose, just before they’re snatched away, but something about it conveys a definite 70s attitude that is both capricious and bold. If you see this move you’re either watching a film from the 1970s or a re-run of CSI: Miami.

8. Burt Reynolds (or facsimile of)

Nothing says “Hi, I’m the 1970s” like Burt Reynolds. While Burt makes no actual appearance in The Car, his spirit is alive and well in James Brolin’s performance of Wade. Wade’s moustache, hair, sunglasses and CB radio all add up to just one simple truth that The Car can’t help but convey — the producer’s couldn’t afford Burt Reynolds. And while this may be true and Smokey and the Bandit‘s bitchin’ Firebird Trans Am may be the iconic car of 1977 — I say it ain’t got nothing on the bad-ass, shark-finned, demon-possessed, customized Lincoln Continental from The Car.

Free Stuff!

That’s it for this month’s Final Girl Film Club entry, but don’t forget that our name-that-movie-super-amazing-fun-time contest is still currently open for submissions! A winner will be announced soon.

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4. 2010 Evilontwolegs Movie Awards
5. Eleven Horror Movie Plants With Whom You Should Not F (part 2)

i really don’t understand why clive barker’s jericho is getting such diverse reviews. just look at the score differences at the following sites:

gamepro [9/10]
gameinformer [6/10]
1up [3/10]

one site rates it just one step below perfect while another condemns it as barely a step above the “pit of legendary awfulness?” zero punctuation’s video review even goes so far as to call it a “spunk-flavored lollipop.” colorful imagery aside, i simply can’t agree — clive barker’s jericho, while not perfect, is one of the better xbox 360 games — especially for horror fans.

years ago, clive barker’s undying was a creepy and impressive shooter, so when i first heard of jericho i was hopeful it’d live up to its predecessor. i must admit that after playing the first hour or so of the game, my impression was largely negative. this eventually changed further into the game for a number of reasons, but i think the negative reviews the game is getting are largely a result of several misconceptions. so instead of just reviewing the game, i’d like to critique a few of these preconceived notions.

the first is the expectation that because this game has clive barker’s name on it, it must be scary. after all — stephen king once called barker “the future of horror” and undying was a pretty scary game. while jericho certainly has an abundance of horrific elements, it is not particularly scary. and it doesn’t try to be. this isn’t a silent hill game aimed at scaring the player through slow building tension and generalized creepiness. this is a game you should put in when you’re thinking:

“you know what i wanna do tonite? i really wanna decapitate and/or explode a bunch of weird-ass monsters, some of whom wear their intestines on their head as a hat.”

another reason i think people are initially unimpressed with the game is that its most unique and fun feature is not initially available. you’re a member of a seven person team in the game and (spoiler alert) early on in the game you die. from that point on you are able to ‘possess’ the other six members of your team, but until that point (which is several levels in) the game seems rather unremarkable. yes, the creatures and levels are intriguing… but until you gain access to all the weapons and magical abilities of your team, i can see why someone would be unimpressed. unfortunately, it’s a necessary evil due to the story structure and (more importantly) the fact that the player needs to be comfortable with the core mechanics of the game before being eased into the squad functionality.

to the left you can see the members of your cyber-goth goof ball squad. each goof ball has a primary and secondary weapon, many with different options and ammo types. weapons range from sniper rifles to katanas to heavy machine guns. on top of that, each member has unique magical abilities. my favorites include ghost bullet (where you can pilot a bullet, hitting up to three targets) and reality hacking which slows down time, but the longer its used the more distorted reality becomes.

in most games you are stuck with a single character and even those that allow you to customize your character usually force you to pick one path and stick to it. apart from jericho, few games easily allow you to switch between completely different play styles at the press of a button. for example, i found myself most often using the uber-gothy sniper chick (ironically named ‘black’) and following behind my team, picking off enemies at a distance. but when i would tire of this, i could easily switch to the katana carrying, asian stereotype ninja girl, the dumb really big guy with the really big gun and a demon hand or any of the four other characters and experience the game in a vastly different way.

some reviews complain about the lack of cohesion between the levels, the linearity of the environments and the enemy spawn locations. i think these cease to be issues when you realize this game, while certainly using the control scheme of a game like halo, actually has a lot in common with rail shooters like house of the dead. there are no pickups or hidden items in this game, so you are not inclined to search every nook and cranny of the levels. you’re to get from point a to point b, killing everything in your way, and that’s it. you start with all the weapons you’ll ever have and you don’t even need to pick up ammunition… in a rather cool explanation for a simple time-saving game design decision, the reality-bending girl occasionally reaches back into time and retrieves the ammo you’ve already used, replenishing your weapons when you run low. while this may be disappointing if you’re expecting a more complicated experience, i actually found it refreshing to have no inventory management, item pickups or maps to deal with, leaving me able to focus on the shooting and problem solving.

the game also features “mini-games,” which some reviews have criticized. occasionally an enemy will grab hold of you and buttons begin appearing on the screen which have to be pressed quickly in order to block the monster’s attack. this same mechanic is also used when attempting certain feats, such as trying to scale a crumbling wall. i don’t understand the complaints about this aspect of the game, as i didn’t find them to be particularly difficult or tedious and quite enjoyed them. my favorite of these interactions is used when your forced to pull a ‘father karras’ on a particularly nasty nazi she-demon-thing (left) and a wrong key press leads to her biting off one of your fingers. this scene also features some of the strongest writing as the demon spews forth an impressive array of profanity, insults and secrets about the characters in an effort to shake them up. my first try, i actually missed a button press during the exorcism because of something she said, so i guess her plan actually works.

some reviews also complain about the game’s story, dialogue and characters. the story of the game is ridiculous, but since when is that a problem in video games? logic or realism has never been a big part of video game premises… unless you know a lot of plumbers that encounter killer turtles or magical mushrooms. the dialogue in jericho is often groan-worthy and so over-the-top as to border on self-parody, but this is the video game equivalent of a grindhouse action/zombie picture… its writing should reflect that. i mean, the characters are dressed in black leather from head to toe,one has a demonic spirit permanently attached to his hand inside a metal case and two of the female members appeared in playboy this month. does anyone really think this game is taking itself all that seriously? ultimately, i found myself interested in the story and the characters despite their lack of realism, much in the same way i cared about el wray and cherry darling in planet terror. realism isn’t a prerequisite for entertainment or empathy. i can honestly say i grew attached to a few of the squad members by the end of the game and was actually invested in their eventual fate and interested in their background — which is more than i can say for most other fps i’ve played (including half-life which, while well written, leaves the primary character completely mute and almost devoid of any background at all).

clive barker’s jericho is a simple, straight-forward fps with a really unique squad mechanic and beautiful art direction. the enemies are grotesque in typical clive barker fashion and the boss battles are well done. there are a few odd design choices along the way (e.g., the pillbox scene mentioned in zero punctuation’s review) and the load times are a bit excessive, but i found neither of these things particularly frustrating. the stack of games i own that i’ve finished is much smaller than those that i haven’t, as most can’t hold my attention long enough to get all the way through them. this one… i played through on normal and then replayed all the way through again on hard. it’s not going to win game of the year, but it certainly deserves more praise than it’s getting… and really — how bad can a game that turns exorcism into a rhythm game be?

ps. i’ve included my xbox live profile below, so feel free to add me as a friend or make fun of my gamer score. if you do the former, please drop me a message as well…

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true, you can probably find thousands of ultra low-budget films that objectively are far more worse than end of days. but something must be said for a film that not only fails, but fails spectacularly. the case could be made that many films would not have been so horrible had the production had a little more money or a little more time. end of days, on the other hand, had all the money in world, the abilities of some very talented actors and a crew of hundreds of people, any one of which could have put a stop to this horror simply by saying “hey, you know what? this kinda sucks.” they didn’t though, so we are left with the monstrosity…

Set at the turn of the millennium, End of Days tells the story of Jericho Cane, a man who finds himself pulled into a web of supernatural intrigue when he discovers that the fate of mankind rests with the safety of a woman who is pursued by the ultimate evil. Confronted by a villain who he cannot defeat with conventional methods, Jericho desperately searches for a way to prevail, but to do so he must regain faith in himself and overcome the tragic loss of his own family.

at least that’s how one reviewer summed it up. another, equally valid, way is this: “a film whose existence can only be explained by positing that the first draft of the script must have been a smallish yellow post-it note with a largish smudge of unidentifiable animal feces on it.”

so let us delve into the intricacies of this little film, shall we?

the first thing one notices is that this film is dark. i don’t mean se7en dark, like in terms of “mood.” i’m talking doom3 dark without the flashlight mod kind of dark. this is what happens when you let the director be his own dp… (pun alert) in light of this, i’ve taken the liberty of brightening up the screenshots so you can actually make out what’s going on.

not being particularly religious, i shouldn’t really care… but i’ll also point out that this film is about the apocalypse… there’s tons of new testament references, crucifixes and a whole “christianity will win the day” vibe going on here. And it’s directed by a jew. sidenote: sam raimi was offered this gig, but passed, thereby further justifying my respect. anyway, let’s get started…

the film opens with a bunch of priests in the vatican saying that (against all probability) a baby is being born somewhere on the planet. and then they get into an argument about whether they should kill it or not. in typical pope fashion, the pope decides they definitely should not kill the baby. in the event that they could find it. which they can’t.

then we’re wisked off to the world’s darkest delivery room. a baby is born and a creepy fat nurse takes the baby down the world’s darkest hospital hallway, into the world’s darkest elevator and then into the world’s darkest basement. here the always-creepy udo kier (even when eating doughnuts) feeds the baby some snake’s blood and sends it back to its momma. cut to 20 years later.

now the baby’s grown up into that girl who shaved off all her hair in empire records… then wore a big blonde wig in the craft.

ok, a big ‘ol flame comes shooting out of some manhole covers and an invisible demon thingy comes flying out too (predator type invisible… not hollow man type). so… what does a big semi-invisible demon thing do its first day in new york city? get some pizza or see a show? no, it goes straight to the men’s room. there it finds gabriel byrne, tosses him around a bit and jumps in his belly. fully linda blair-ed now, gabriel walks out, kisses some woman, gives her husband the stink-eye (see above), and walks out of the restaurant just as it explodes, incinerating the bathroom, the woman, and the husband but not the stink-eye as gabriel escapes unscathed.

so far this isn’t making a whole lot of sense, but at least we’ve seen some talented actors. maybe this movie won’t be so bad…

oh, for god’s sakes. it’s arnold schwarzenegger. hanging from a helicopter.

this doesn’t bode well.

turns out arnold’s a down-on-his-luck body guard. he seems to like playing russian roulette, drinking and putting pizza in blenders. think of the first scene with mel gibson in lethal weapon and you know what they were trying to convey here. yep… he’s an ex-cop whose family was killed and now all he has left is a death wish, some bitterness towards god, a few slices of left-over pizza and kevin pollak.

ok, someone took a shot at gabriel byrne and now arnold has to chase the sniper around on a helicopter, hanging from a string. oh, notice that y2k sign in the background. they’re everywhere. every external shot, every park bench, every subway car, every piece of paper fluttering on the ground has this logo on it. just in case the “december 31st, 1999″ that keeps popping up at the bottom of the screen doesn’t clue you into the whole millenium theme.

woh, who’s that guy on the right? it’s certainly not arnold.

anyway… arnold and his poorly disguised stunt double save the shooter from falling off the roof, chase him into a train tunnel, and then negate that ‘saving him from falling off the roof’ thing by shooting him. then the real cops show up and there’s lots of –

arnold looking like this and –

the cop lady looking like this and –

then arnold yells at them a bit and they go away with the shooter guy. oh yeah — the shooter guy was yelling about how the “1000 days are over” and other nonsense you already heard in chris carter’s millennium. the cops discover the guy is a priest and has no tongue… and arnold seems a little mystified at this. the movie takes the bold move of never even attempting an explanation of how arnold could hear a guy with no tongue speak perfect english. i love this movie.

in the priest’s apartment they (first arnold and later, the cops) discover a picture of the chick from empire records and decide to focus the rest of their investigation on this small fact for no logical reason.

ok, then we’re back with the chick mentioned above, who gets approached by this creepy little albino fellow. he spouts wonderful dialog like the above and then –

falls over and shatters. like all albinos. then the girl wakes up, we realize it was just a dream and we can get back to arnold. oh, and we find out that arnold’s character’s full name is jericho cane. why not just drop all subtlety and name him holy mcjesus?

as it turns out, jericho isn’t having such a good day. he breaks out his daughter’s music box and starts crying. crying. arnold schwarzenegger is crying. let me try to convey how well this turns out on the silver screen…

imagine a chicken in a barnyard. imagine a farmer cutting this chicken’s head off. now imagine this chicken’s body running full tilt at a wall attempting to perform the scene where lady macbeth attempts to wash invisible bloodstains off her hands. the similarities are so close between this imaginary event and arnold attempting to convey grief that it borders on no longer being a metaphor.

then gabriel byrne (aka SATAN) meets up with udo and his family. he has a little fantasy doohickey where he sexes up udo’s wife and daughter (i’m starting to see why gabriel decided to be in this movie) and starts his search for the chick from empire records. it turns out that satan has got to get freaky with that girl between 11pm and midnite on new year’s eve (eastern standard time, i’m assuming) to sire his demon spawn. which will lead to the end of days. it doesn’t sound too bad, except I question any world domination plan that revolves around busting a nut.

ok, then satan runs into this goofball with the “satan rules” t-shirt. satan likes the shirt so, of course, he makes the kid run into a bus.

meanwhile, arnold is checking in on that priest he shot earlier who is now dead. carved into the guy’s chest is a bunch of crap in latin plus the phrase “christ in new york.” in the most ludicrious leap of detective logic i have ever been privy to, arnold decides “maybe that means something else. we’re looking for a girl… maybe it’s her name. do a search for chris york… or christine york.”

bingo! there’s a christine york! batman and sherlock holmes rolling around in baby oil couldn’t have figured that one out, but damn if arnold didn’t crack the case.

arnold catches up with christine. she’s obviously ticked off that arnold has thus far gotten to make all the funny faces in the movie, so she makes one of her own. she does this because…

her apple has little people growing in it! oh, satan! you cad!

now comes my favorite scene of the entire movie. satan shows up, but decides he needs to take out arnold’s partner (kevin pollak) first. why this is necessary, i don’t know. kevin is just sitting in a van across the street, not really paying attention to much of anything. he’s hardly a big threat to SATAN HIMSELF. regardless, satan decides the best way to rid himself of the ‘pollak situation’ is through… urine.

urine.

across the street from the van, satan pees all over the sidewalk. the unholy yellowness creeps across the ground, flowing under kevin’s van. satan then drops his cigarette into his own mess and…

it catches fire!

the flame flows towards the van, the van explodes, a police car blows up, and multiple buildings catch on fire. then satan makes this face in a 6 frame shot quickly cut into the previous barrage of explosions.

what is it with gabriel byrne and urinating? earlier in the movie, his introduction took place while using the restroom… and in the usual suspects his first scene begins… how? with kaiser soze pissing on some flames to put them out while gabriel watches. soze is referred to as “the devil himself”… yet his urine extinguishes fire. here it’s explosive. it’s all a bit confusing… is demon urine flammable or a flame-retardant? such are the deep theological questions that end of days forces you to confront.

in any case, this little bit of cinema made such an impression on me that i had to make a slow-motion animated gif out of it.

without further ado, i give you — gabriel byrne’s interpretation of how satan might look if his urine was used as a weapon.

not to be outdone by gabriel, arnold ups the ante further with faces like –

this and –

this.

that out of the way, he grabs the girl and skedaddles.

they run into the cops (who now appear to be moonlighting for satan) and arnold kills them all with guns he pulls from his sleeves all while making more silly faces.

sometimes in red.

they seek refuge in a church where apparently “satan cannot see.” then Father Exposition shows up and gives them the skinny. the number of the beast is not 666. you see, numbers in dreams are often upside down and backwards. the number is really 999. as in 1999. as in right now. as in we’re fucked.

every thousand years satan gets one chance to rape someone and take over the planet. that time is now, and it’s christine’s biblically pre-ordained uterus he needs.

we cut to a reaction shot from arnold and christine… and when we cut back the priest is holding an entirely different piece of paper with completely different handwriting. it’s like magic! but with less continuity.

so christine decides the priest and his magic paper are just too cool for school and she’s going to hang with them. arnold (he of little faith) thinks that’s a dumb idea. much like keith david in the thing, arnold ain’t buying this voodoo bullshit. he sums it up beautifully by telling the priest,

“between your faith and my glock nine millimeter, i’ll take the glock.”

so, arnold heads home. there he runs into satan who wants to know where his mystical sex toy is hiding. he tries bribing arnold by offering to give him his family back, but arnie ain’t dumb. He tries to scare satan off by looking –

like this and doing a –

little of this and –

finally by screaming at his own gun.

satan is not amused, and begins to pout.

now, try to imagine being gabriel byrne in this scene. you are a very talented actor, but to pull off a convincing performance as one of the classical figures of mythology, lucifer the morningstar himself, you need the actor opposite you to “give.” it’s a positive feedback loop… you bounce your acting off of each other until you both achieve something you couldn’t have done alone.

in this case, from gabriel’s perspective, i would imagine it’s a lot like playing handball against the drapes.

anyway, arnold tries to play tough-guy and calls satan a choir boy. satan’s reaction is –

predictable.

i haven’t seen dialogue like this since mamet’s early works…

satan: just tell me what you want.
jericho: i’ll tell you what I want. i want you to go to hell.
satan: well, you see, the problem is… sometimes hell comes to YOU!

then there’s some fighting and some yelling and some general unhappiness. next thing you know, old satan’s got the girl in his limousine and arnold is being crucified.

that’s really an image i could have lived forever without contemplating. it’s so ludicrious, it immediately made me think of that painting of christopher walken building robots…

as the movie continues, satan pulls a typical 007-type villain move and doesn’t actually kill arnold… and Father Exposition gets him down off the cross. arnold breaks in on satan’s make-out session and blows the crap out of everything with a rocket launcher. he grabs the girl and they high-tail it for the subway. satan decides to –

give one last goofy face before getting hit by a train.

he gets all busted up and so has to leave gabriel byrne’s body, leaving predator-satan to chase arnold and the girl to another church where the climatic final battle will occur.

admittedly — that’s kinda cool looking.

satan kicks arnold around a bit and then jumps in his belly. with only about 3 minutes before midnite, satan really hopes that arnold doesn’t have a lot of sexual stamina.

here you can see the subtle way that schwarzenegger coveys inner conflict and christine is obviously wondering why she didn’t sleep with satan back when he looked like gabriel byrne.

in order to avoid some really awkward post-coitus pillow talk, arnold looks at the statue of christ and (using his thus-far well-documented religious faith) pushes satan back… and throws himself at the nearest pointy object. hey, what’s a giant sword doing in a church anyway? i dunno, but they established it in a shot about 15 seconds earlier, so i guess it’s makes sense.

“yes, that went entirely according to plan.”

finally, arnold shoots fire out of his abs as satan leaps out of his body and returns to hell. arnold looks around, suddenly realizing that maybe if he hadn’t thrown himself on a sword and just waited 4 or 5 seconds for midnite to come around, he might not be in such agonizing pain at the moment.

god or jesus or something lets him see his wife and kid for a second before he drops dead. christine, in proper gracious fashion, touches his cold dead hand. and then i imagine she gets the hell out of there and goes back to her boring life of almost constantly not having sex with satan.

this final scene is the first time arnold, playing a human character, ever died in one his movies. apparently the original ending had jesus heal his wounds and he and christine walked off together (i am not making this up), but while watching this, the test screening audiences began throwing up in their mouths. a lot. so they changed it.

and thus ends peter hyams moralistic masterpiece. despite having no real religious affiliation, i can’t help but find the idea of arnold schwarzenegger as the last bastion of hope in the face of the unholy a bit blasphemous. none of the other characters (even the pope himself) could stand up to satan. and yet arnold is the one shining example of human morality and undeniable faith? that alone is almost enough to justify saying end of days is the worst film ever made. and if it’s not… well, i just have two words for you. exploding. urine.

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