Jon: If I remember correctly, that’s the THIRD time in this film they’ve had to pull the van over to look for her pasties.

Brittney-Jade: Little known fact, she used those diamond cutters to make a hole in the side of the van. Her friend’s hot-pants make it very difficult to move and the sliding door just wasn’t cutting it.

Corey: see video

Jon: In early drafts, the film was called “The Kentucky Corncob Massacre,” and Strawhead was the original villain.

Corey: Ya know, pardner… sometimes you wear the hat, and sometimes the hat wears you.

Brittney-Jade: I knew it was bad to have a denim jacket with denim pants, but for some reason a denim polo, denim overalls, and a straw hat just screams CLASSY!

Jon: He wore a snappy dress shirt, nicely pressed pants, and brand new patent leather shoes, but, tragically, he forgot to put on his parachute.

Corey: What is with all the denim and heavy materials, Franklin? It’s not like you didn’t know you were going to Texas in the summer. And those shoes look like something your hateful mom bought you for the first day of Kindergarten.

Brittney-Jade: I’d be frustrated too if I was wearing double denim in a wheelchair. I’m pretty sure he knows he looks awful, but he can’t get anyone to help him change.

Jon: INVISIBLE MEATBALL SUB

Corey: Wearing a chicken breast as a necklace is both a fashionable and utilitarian choice.

Brittney-Jade: First someone interrupts his voodoo ritual makeup application, then someone bashes his chicken necklace, and THEN someone steals his lunch. Today is just not his day.

Corey: No, Franklin that shirt doesn’t make you look fat. But the Baby Ruth fashion accessory isn’t exactly slimming.

Brittney-Jade: I see his winter coat is coming in nicely. All we need is a gold chain and a nightclub and we’ll have ourselves one hell of a looker.

Jon: I’m pretty sure this guy would run around buck-hairy-ass-naked if he didn’t need pockets for his candy bars.

Jon: This is an age-old story of the haves and the have-nots. He’s clearly strutting around with enough fabric in those bell bottoms to make a sail, and yet that other poor girl hasn’t got enough for even a decent tube top.

Brittney-Jade: I have to wear these stupid white bell bottoms?! IT’S EVEN AFTER LABOR DAY! Greg gets to wear jeans, Why can’t I?! My sister gets to walk around topless! MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA!

Corey: Jerry, on the left, is following the ‘worms’ sign inside to buy some night-crawlers so he can take the homeless children fishing. The homeless children that have been taking shelter under his bell-bottoms since Tuscon.

Corey: “It says Smoked Sausage on the package,” says Franklin. “So you smoke it. Like a cigarette.”

Jon: This is the precise moment we know the kids are in a heap of trouble. Pam’s hand gets stuck in the van’s window, Kirk becomes mesmerized by his own reflection in a puddle, and Franklin suddenly sprouts a very large wart.

Brittney-Jade: I use my bandannas as shirts all the time. Especially when hanging out with my two-tone denim boyfriend. And my double denim handicapped pal.

Jon: He may be a murderous cannibal, but Leatherface knows how to dress the part of a proper Texas host. Notice the matching lime-green apron and facial mask, accentuated with a delightfully droll tie depicting a slab of fatback ham.

Corey: The mask may say “it’s party-time,” but the tie tells you he’s all business.

Brittney-Jade: Someone is in desperate need of some botox and a washing machine. At least Gerber baby food green is the new black.

Brittney-Jade: Greg has gotten all grown up now, complete with Burt Reynolds chest hair. He’s been trying to grow the moustache for years, but this’ll do for now.

Jon: I get the feeling that at any moment he’s going to do a soft-shoe routine to the tune of “I’m Just a Gigalo”

Corey: I was thinking he looked more like he’s about to replicate Robert Hays’ “Staying Alive” disco scene from Airplane.

Corey: Craig’s List can be really hit-or-miss. The description said “ADORABLE Overstuffed Reclining Love Seat $300!”

Jon: THIS is what happens when you order a couch from Ikea and then assemble it after doing way too much peyote.

Brittney-Jade: Even Billy Mays couldn’t sell me this. Zombie Billy Mays…that’s a different story.

Brittney-Jade:I feel like this is the shirt Zack Braff rejected for Garden State, but the glasses that inspired Sally Jessy Raphael.

Jon: Riiiiiiii-cola!

Corey: Jerry had a solid plan of wearing clothing that blended into the underbrush to avoid detection from local cannibals, but his unfortunate habit of screaming Skynard lyrics at the top of his lungs when nervous did eventually draw Leatherface’s attention.

Corey: Jerry was horribly embarrassed when he realized he’d accidentally worn a throw rug that morning and left his shirt out for Stanley Steamer.

Brittney-Jade: Poor guy, the darts he put in his shirt actually accentuated his man boobs. This is why I get my clothes fixed by Americans.

Jon: That’s either the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen, or it’s a very clever attempt to disguise himself as the rug that’s draped across the railing.

Jon: I find it disturbing that Leatherface look so incredibly sad in this picture. It’s as if he’s spent the entire day in the kitchen, then got all dressed up, put on his best skin mask, and nobody has shown up for the party.

Corey: So ronery…

Brittney-Jade: That’s the last time I’m buying facial lotion from Buffalo Bill.

Jon: Grandpa has the kind of confidence you just don’t see in contemporary horror villains. He’s brazenly wearing a pink shirt with a polka-dot tie, and he is so relaxed and calm that he can just nod right off in the middle of his own movie.

Corey: Say what you will about the Leatherface clan, but there’s no denying their fashion ethic. Even when slicing meat or bashing in a girl’s head with a hammer, a tie is a MUST. Do they eat people… yes, yes they do. But they do so with unmatched style and sophistication.

Brittney-Jade: Apparently, he didn’t get the memo that we weren’t buying facial lotion from Buffalo Bill anymore. He did however dress up for dinner, glad to see we have our priorities in line. I wonder if he pinkies out at dinner…

Corey: Wearing the tie outside the apron earns Leatherface 10 out of 10 for style, but loses several points for being a safety hazard. You’ve never known embarrassment until you’ve gotten your tie caught in your chainsaw blade and had to explain to the young girl you were chasing why it’ll be a few minutes before you can slice her up while you sort this mess out.

Jon: It looks good, but it’s impractical. Look at all that blood. That’s what aprons are for. Now he’s going to have to waste precious time washing those stains out of his favorite tie.

Brittney-Jade: Its okay guys, he’ll just kill Bill Cosby’s wardrobe designer and turn another one of his sweaters into a tie. We all know inbred cannibals are good with needle and thread.

Jon: Secretly, Leatherface has been dressing up as Julia Child and working on a book entitled “Mastering the Art of French Cooking for Cannibals.”

Corey: Leatherface actually wears three different masks in the film, each intended for a different activity. in addition to the “lounging around the house and freaking people the fuck out” mask and the “sitting down for dinner with the family and freaking people the fuck out mask,” here we have the “cooking/cleaning and freaking the people the fuck out” mask.

Brittney-Jade: I believe this is the “late night show and freaking people the fuck out” mask. I’m surprised Jay Leno hasn’t sued them for copyright infringement for stealing his chin and wearing it as their own.

Jon: This is kielbasa! I asked for Wiener Schnitzel!

Brittney-Jade: I know, your food is touching. I wouldn’t be happy either. I’m sure you could separate them with your nipples though. Just calm yourself.

Corey: You slave over an open stove all day, and then you have to tie them down to a chair made out of human limbs just to get them to eat… dating vegetarians can be such a hassle.

Jon: It’s sad, really, seeing the once youthful and vibrant Joker get all sad and corpulent in his later years.

Corey: This image perfectly represents everything I remember about “Mrs. Doubtfire.”

Brittney-Jade: DAMN IT LEATHERFACE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT MOMMY’S MAKEUP IS EXPENSIVE AND NOT A PLAYTHING. That’s it mister, no chainsaw for you. Go to your room.

Corey: The dangers of trying to touch-up your lipstick in the rear-view mirror…

Jon: I like this gal’s style. Sure, she’s about to be horribly mutilated by a vicious killer, but that’s no reason she can’t spice it up with jazz hands.

Brittney-Jade: Carrie, you had your movie. Get out of here.

Jon: Now, it’s one thing to stuff yourself into a suit that’s clearly three sizes too small. But he’s acting downright silly if he thinks he can make those clown feet of his fit into those wee cowboy boots.

Brittney-Jade: I ordered ‘chase people with a chainsaw with ease’ boots. Hell, I’ll settle for boots ‘made for walking.’ But these ‘sitting’ boots are NOT what were described on my eBay auction.

Corey: Little known trivia factoid: Leatherface accidentally invented the 1980s trend of ripped jeans.

Jon: “Don’t do it…”

Corey: Leatherface demonstrates the “turn away then face the mirror real quickly — the first thing you see, take it off” rule of accessorizing. In this case, he chooses to lose the tie — it’s just competing visually too heavily with the blood-and-sinew-choked chainsaw and the sun-dried flesh mask.

Brittney-Jade: Now I know where you got the makeup idea from, that’s the last time you’re hanging out with that Ledger kid.

Jon: Back in the 80s, my little cousin had a “My Buddy” doll that looked just like this guy – right down to its striped shirt, creepy smile, and bug-eyed expression.

Corey: While many have assumed Judith and this young man just had sex during this scene, I have an alternate interpretation of their interaction. Taking into consideration Judith’s toplessness when Michael finds her and the speed with which this man exits while pulling on his shirt, I’m pretty sure this guy is simply a clothing burglar who just stole her shirt.

A GIRL: Homemade costumes can be creative and whimsical, or they can be ambiguous and drab. The reader may decide which category Crocheted Potholder belongs.

Corey: I can has burt-day cake?

Jon: I know he’s going to grow up to be the Shape, but that fluffy, intricate lace around his neck doesn’t say “I’m evil on two legs” as much as it says “I’m Little Lord Fauntleroy.”

A GIRL: Long before Steven King introduced us to Pennywise, little Mikey Myers knew instinctively that clowns are scary and evil. He has wisely chosen to add the correct wickedly sharp accessory to his costume to accentuate this fact. (Note that a cleaver can be substituted if all the knives are dirty and/or imbedded in someone’s chest cavity.)

Jon:
Shake it to the LEFT, shake it to the right.
Come on baby, you know what I like.
Shake it real funky, shake it real low.
Shake it ’til you can’t shake it no mo’.

Corey: And here comes Loomis around the corner… he’s pulling ahead of the hospital administrator… Oh, he’s cut him off and slammed him into the guard rail! The administrator is careening out of control and has burst into flames!

A GIRL: Fashion missteps can negatively impact interactions among even the most serious-minded professionals. Here, a very properly attired hospital administrator feels the need to distance himself from Dr. Loomis, who is attempting, yet so sadly failing, to get down with the brown (polyester).

Corey: From the “No One Will Be Surprised When You Come Out Of The Closet Your Senior Year” line of Halloween costumes.

Jon: Meet the first mate of the good ship lollipop.

A GIRL: Help! I’m being attacked by an inexplicable Halloween decoration of some sort!

Jon: For the life of me, I can’t remember what the girl in the middle is saying, but in my mind she’s saying “Oh no you DIDN’T, Michael.”

Corey: I’ve always been told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Apparently Laurie has aspirations of being a 60 year old librarian, Lynda envisions a future as a leprechaun and Annie wants to be a man.

A GIRL: These ladies are all suffering from a severe attack of 70s hair. It seems all that silly ozone we used to have really brought on the frizzies. Good thing we got rid of it.

Corey: Not many shoes come with warning labels, but I’m certain these are the only shoes that come with one that contains the word “vertigo.”

Jon: Those boots were made for walkin’, stompin’, and feelin’ sassy. But, sadly, not for runnin’ away from slashers.

A GIRL: What young girl doesn’t have fond memories of her first pair of stripper shoes? Of course, back in the 70s it was hard to come by the preferred style of flashing lights embedded in polymers, so Lynda gamely makes do with some raffia and a heartfelt butt waggle.

Jon: Ok, I know this is a post about the fashion of clothing, but I’m going to diverge and ponder the wisdom of designing curtains that only cover the bottom half of a window.

Corey: And I question the utility of nailing your hat to the wall.

A GIRL: From the Laura Ashley “Domestic Despair” collection, this soul-crushingly mundane outfit comes in Baleful Brown or Gloomy Green (pictured). Matching Depression Compression tights not included.

Corey: And so began the short-lived 1970s trend of squash, pumpkins and gourds as fashion accessories.

A GIRL: Here Laurie makes the common mistake of choosing an accessory which is disproportionate to the rest of her outfit. A small squash or melon would be much more appropriate than this distractingly sized pumpkin, which would be better paired with a full skirt. Good try with the bold color choice, though.

Jon: The pumpkin, pocketbook, and cardigan she holds in her arms are all domestic items that symbolize Laurie’s role as caretaker. She’s having trouble carrying all that stuff because she’s finding her role to be increasingly difficult. Earlier versions of this sequence weren’t as subtle, as she was also holding a pot roast, a rolling pin, a telephone, and a Chihuahua.

Jon: I guess you simply HAVE to take confident, man-sized strides if you’re gonna pull off wearing nothing more than yellow stockings and a giant white shirt.

Corey: This scene had women across the country foregoing pants for yellow knee-high socks and afghans.

A GIRL: The proper use of tube socks can add a lot of versatility to an otherwise limited ensemble. Normally one would feel vulnerable roaming the streets in just an oversized shirt, but just add long bright yellow socks, and presto! The wearer is warm and snug and no longer overexposed.

Jon: Dr. Loomis is as beige as a baked potato. But the expression on his face says that he’s just done something very randy indeed.

Corey: When I look at Loomis here, this is what I think of.

A GIRL: Dr. Loomis dons a rumpled overcoat to create a somewhat unconvincing Columbo costume. The overall effect would be improved by adding a disheveled toupee and adopting a pose of befuddled inquiry.

A GIRL: This is what happens when someone not very clever tries to come up with a clever costume. The Ghost of Woody Allen was a difficult concept to actualize, and sadly everyone thinks this is Ghost of Buddy Holly. This is understandable and should have been foreseen, since although Woody’s career may be dead, the man himself is apparently not.

Jon: NOTHING is scarier than a ghost with giant googly eyes.

Corey: While crude, this may be the first outfit we’ve looked at that was created by the character themself. The implication of this outfit is that after killing Bob downstairs, Michael found some scissors, went to the linen closet and found a sheet and then cut out tiny eye holes. I’ve never understood why Michael would go to all this trouble, but maybe they had some Home-Ec classes at Smith’s Grove Sanitarium and he was feeling domestic.

Jon: Michael’s down for the count now, but he’s still got a little Captain in him.

Corey: With several pockets capable of holding all your knives, rope, breath mints and asthma medication, Michael’s Parisian jumpsuit is both trendy and functional.

A GIRL: Michael demonstrates the versatility of the workman’s coverall. Everyone knows they allow excellent range of motion during killing rampages, but here we see that they are also very comfortable when donned for a little dirt nap.

Corey: Here we have Alice, the previous film’s final girl, relaxing at home. Add a puffy, stitched Santa Claus head with blinking eyes or a bunch of candy canes to that jumper and you have the perfect Christmas outfit. For an infant. Or, if you left it as-is, maybe a terrier.

Jon: Her outfit does have a nauseatingly Christmas-green color, but I think she’s really going for the rustic pickle look, which she’s hoping will drive all the local farm boys at Camp Crystal Lake wild. Also, I think she secretly enjoys smelling her own armpit.

A GIRL: Alice has thrown herself to her bed in tears because she can’t get her Christmas Cthulhu costume quite right. The not-found-in-nature shades of green are spot on, but she hasn’t quite found the optimal balance between festivity and dread.

Jon: “Nobody will sleep with me…wah wah wah wah. My hat’s too small for my head…wah wah wah wah. Jason’s out to get me…. wah wah wah wah. So I think I’ll just stay in this here bed. ‘Cause I got the blues. I got them old Camp Crystal Lake blues again.”

Corey: I think he’s singing an unrequited love song to his hat that ends with a verse expressing a secret wish for some sleeves.

A GIRL: This hat cries out to be paired with a tweedy, leather-elbowed jacket. This hat dreams of a day it will be jauntily worn to the fox hunt or the afternoon garden party. This hat is destined for sad, grey, sleeveless disappointment, accompanied by a lonesome harmonica tune.

Corey: I’m not sure I can explain why precisely, but Paul’s outfit and stance make me imagine the phrase “Oh, Snap!” said in a sassy tone. Also, that’s not a name on that jersey, that’s a shitty Scrabble hand.

Jon: Friday the 13th Part 2 leaves us with so many unanswered questions. Why is Bo Duke holding that piece of paper? Why is Horshack in a wheelchair? Why are they both in this film?

A GIRL: This guy has a big future in romance novel covers. I can only imagine that he is helping his pal prepare for a woodsy performance of Rear Window, since those are obviously script notes in his hand.

Corey: The Friday the 13th films always feature some familiar stereotypes (e.g., the unpopular clown, the slut, the virgin, etc.). But really? Paul is the best out-in-the-woods-rugged-but-handsome-Marlboro-man character the film could muster? I don’t care how many buttons he leaves undone or how many flannel shirts he owns, no outfit is going to stop him from tripping my gaydar.

Jon: I agree. The ONLY thing preventing Paul from becoming Fred from Scooby Doo is an ascot.

A GIRL: This is a good example of how the right clothing and accessories can really let a man express his personality and mood. The first outfit, with turtleneck and rolled up sleeves, says, ‘Let’s share a bottle of wine and then I will molest you,’ while a sportier look with a convertible accessory says, ‘Let’s go for a drive and then I will molest you.’

Corey: Jordache’s amazing new “Flat Polygon Crotch” jeans. There also seems to be an armpit theme in this film that had gone unnoticed by me until now.

Jon: My god you’re right. There are really too few sleeves in this movie. It’s as if they’re all taking their fashion cues from Larry the Cable Guy.

A GIRL: She is posed as if they are about to break out into a dance routine. The other dancers are waiting just out of view, ready to bounce in and show off their high waisted jeans and multicolored tank tops. They will surround the man, and through their interpetive movements convince him to exchange his homemade, impromptu sleeveless shirt for a genuine, possibly polyester one.

Corey: While not initially apparent to everyone, Terri is one of the more sympathetic characters in the film, what with her tragic background of poverty and everything. Here you can see that she’s forced to wear the same clothes from when she was a toddler.

Jon: Who wears short shorts? SHE wears short shorts!

A GIRL: When I was A little GIRL, I had a Barbie and her little sister Skipper, and many fabulous outfits for each. This look is similar to what happened when Barbie borrowed Skipper’s clothes.

Corey: With his dreamy eyes and Tom Cruise-esque smile, Scott is letting us know that nothing says “I’m a sophisticated GQ man” like a black satin shirt, perfectly styled hair and a slingshot for launching rocks at other people’s asses.

Jon: I want to paint a pencil thin moustache on him, put him in a big Mariachi hat, and have him say: “Hello, beautiful. My name is Zorro. Women love me. Men fear the might of my slingshot.”

A GIRL: I don’t quite understand what’s going on in this shot. Is he trying to accessorize with the plant, using it as a scarf or ascot, or is he merely trying to cover up an embarrassing trouser situation?

Corey: Ted is the aforementioned “clown” character in the film, but with a twist. For some reason he’s actually fairly popular amongst the rest of the counselors. This doesn’t excuse him from the fashion rules of the clown/prankster stereotype though, which disallow the wearing of anything that doesn’t cause a loss of dignity (e.g. those white socks pulled almost to knees and the fact that he’s wearing deer skins after Labor Day).

Jon: This is like the before and after pictures of a nice suburban barbecue gone horribly awry after too many bottles of Zima.

A GIRL: Here Ted is depicted on two of his many failed auditions to become the seventh member of the Village People. Badly Dressed Chef was truly a poor concept, but I hear that Cave Boy was almost accepted, until at the last moment sailors were chosen instead.

Jon: Somewhere in the middle of the film, Ted decided that he was too conspicuous dressed up in that bright yellow shirt and those little khaki shorts. So he decided to disguise himself as a giant metal penis.

Corey: “Should I bring the steel or the copper hat to the beach in 90 degree weather?”

A GIRL: Superheroes of the 80s really had a hard time with their costumes. Bullet Head Man has a great alter ego, for who could expect such power to be hidden behind a crisp cotton plaid? Foolishly, he blew all his money on some designer chinos, and could only afford an aluminum helmet and no matching boots.

Corey: You didn’t even know there was a black character in this movie, did you? Well, there he is, looking quite a bit like Willis from Diff’rent Strokes (Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum…). The reason you don’t remember him is certainly not because the costume designer didn’t try to draw attention to him through interesting shirt and suspender choices.

Jon: Well, you have to remember that Robin Williams-style rainbow suspenders were actually in fashion in the wacky 80s, as were tennis wristbands. But they could have made it clearer that he’s an expendable, token character by at least giving him a red shirt. Also, it looks like he enjoys smelling his own armpit.

A GIRL: This young man is training for a career as a professional Let’s Make a Deal contestant. His last minute Mork outfit was not enough to attract Monty Hall’s attention, but he’s bound to find out what’s behind door number one dressed as African Jimmy Buffet.

Corey: “No, I’m fairly certain my hot pink shirt and headband out-’80s your propped Izod collar and canvas belt.”

Jon: Someday, anthropologists will look at the way people dressed in the 80s and conclude that EVERYONE back then had just finished either jazzercising or playing tennis.

A GIRL: This scene is obviously a lover’s quarrel. She has long grown tired of struggling to get close to him, only to be rebuffed by a stiff flipped-up collar. He has finally noticed that her headband is part of a matching set, and the young man above is wearing the wristbands! He jumps to the logical conclusion, and protests of innocence will soon dissolve into tears. Later, the dog will take revenge for his mistress by chewing up the offending shirt and widdling on the no-iron trousers.

Corey: I see no problems with this outfit.

Jon: I agree in the strongest possible terms.

A GIRL: I am starting to think that this is not really a movie about Jason the deranged killer. It is really a story about Jason the deranged tailor, who, after failing to secure sponsorship for Spring Fashion Week, runs around cutting off any unnecesary piece of shirting, such as sleeves and midriffs.

Corey: Jason has certianly improved his fashion sense while living in the woods. Forsaking the “naked covered in seaweed and twigs” look, he’s chosen a beautiful pair of OshKosh B’Gosh overalls and a cotton pillowcase, which is a classic look that never goes out of style.

Jon: I’ve never noticed that he actually has TWO eyeholes. I always thought there was just the one. The other eyehole is just very, very tiny and easily escapes notice. Or maybe he cut out a full-sized eyehole, and then later sewed it shut, which raises all kinds of questions about how domesticated that makes Jason. Either way, if you stare at this picture long enough, it starts to look like Jason is winking at us, which is actually kinda scary. But I can’t get over how small and soft his hands look. I mean, I’m not the most rugged guy in the world, but surely they could have found some dude with at least a little bit of dirt in his nails and a callous or two to play the part of a swampy, knife-wielding mutant.

A GIRL: Here Jason has taken a common but useless approach to a bad hair day. Instead of a deep conditioning rinse and some texturizing pomade, he has applied an old potato sack.

Corey: For someone who was in a bikini in an earlier scene, Ginny is certainly wearing a lot of layers later in the evening. That said, this is excellent “running for your f’ing life” attire which you should always strive for when camping, just in case.

Jon: I agree. Her outfit looks like it’s been stuffed with straw. And she looks much bigger than Jason here. She could have easily body slammed that little pipsqueak.

A GIRL: This outfit makes a lot of sense once you realize Jason’s true motivation. Ginny has piled on layer after layer of shirts, in the hopes that no matter how many of her garments Jason attacks, she will still be fully shirted.

Jon: I don’t know what Jason did, exactly, to his mom’s sweater since the last movie, but those stains ain’t EVER coming out.

Corey: Some hand-me-downs should just be politely accepted then discreetly thrown away. To Jon’s point, I shudder to think what he’s been doing with it the last few years.

A GIRL: It is so important to store your treasured garments properly. A well made sweater can indeed last for generations. Unfortunately for the Voorhees collection, although peat moss does have amazing preservative properties, here we see why it is not recommended for use with antique knits.

Corey: In this rustic Hazzard County-esque setting, Marcie sports a lovely maternity smock while Ned gives Jimmy Buffet’s shirt collection a run for its money.

Jon: While a bewildered Kevin Bacon gives up looking for his shirt buttons.

A GIRL: Marcie has the right idea with a casual look for a rural outing, but the execution is poor. Her top hits at the widest part of her hips, while her jeans taper from the thigh, giving her the look not of a lithe, willowy, soon-to-be viciously murdered teen, but more that of a poorly rendered statue of a lesser fertility goddess.

Corey: In the picture above and the one on the far left, his arms are closely held at his sides making him kinda look like a jack-in-the-box that just popped out of that tree trunk. I have to admit though, he looks very GQ in that last photo, what with the gold chain, Tom Cruise crazy-smile and hip swagger goin’ on.

Jon: You’ve got to give him credit for striking such a perfect Marlboro Man pose, but at the rate he’s losing those buttons, his shirt’s going to be at his ankles by the time we get to his death scene.

A GIRL: I believe Kevin is using a deep v-neck to elongate his torso, and a gold chain to bring attention toward his face. GQ indeed.

Jon: It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow striped Cousteau bikini, that he wore for the first time today.

Corey: I’ve always thought my crotch was missing something, and now I know what it is… yellow racing stripes.

A GIRL: Kevin is missing a few small elements that would really bring this ensemble together, such as a shirt, pants, shoes, socks, and ideally a hat to tame that shrubbery of a hairdo.

Corey: I see no problems with this outfit.

Jon: I agree in the strongest possible terms.

A GIRL: This outfit really expresses the 80s time period. I can’t believe that neither Corey nor Jon noticed that she really should be wearing a thong to avoid that pesky VPL.

Jon: Is it just me, or does Mrs. Voorhees look like she ought to be whistling the Old Spice tune, or singing a sea shantie?

Corey: I agree. Give her a corncob pipe and a yellow rain hat and she could be on a box of fish sticks.

A GIRL: What a clever halloween costume Mrs. Voorhees has created. I would never have thought of dressing up as dryer lint.

Jon: Sloppy Joes, sloppy, sloppy Joes, yeah! Sloppy Joes, sloppy, sloppy Joes, yeah!

Corey: This image of Trudy the waitress brings back many fond memories of late-nights at the Waffle House and uncontrollable feelings of the need to regurgitate. It’s also worth pointing out that Trudy’s glasses, if hit in just the right way on a sunny day by a stray beam of sunlight, can literally burn out customers retinas, leaving nothing behind but smoking eye sockets and unnatural screams of anguish and pain.

A GIRL: I believe Trudy is a fasion DO for being unafraid of bold color combinations. Too often we see women of size hiding behind drab and shapeless clothing, so it’s refreshing to see her sporting this robin’s egg blue and yellow combo.

Jon: Most people don’t realize that Camp Crystal lake is actually situated on a sacred Indian burial ground. This is Chief Chicken Leg, proud member of the Tighty-whitey Tribe and sworn defender of his ancestral lands.

Corey: Slasher films always feature the attention-whoring prankster/geek character, and I believe this trend started with the introduction of Ned, pictured here. Part 2 may have Ted, Part 3 may have Shelly, but there will always be a special place in my heart for the racially insensitive clothing, near-fatal archery pranks and horrible impersonations of Ned, the archetypal über-annoying slasher fodder character.

A GIRL: In fashion, two wrongs make me nauseated. The feathered headdress does not draw my eye away from the unnecessary display of underpants. Instead, I look back and forth from head to, er, area, more and more rapidly in a futile attempt to escape from the dastardly duo of faux pas, until collapsing in a sick dizzy heap.

Jon: It’s probably good that THIS guy was never in the same scene with the Indian Kid. I’m pretty sure the Village People would have sued over copyright infringement.

Corey: Steve, you’re going to be so embarrassed when you get home and see yourself in this movie. Except for your upper lip, you’re like completely naked… with no clothes on. For decency’s sake, hide your shame.

A GIRL: This character may have been on the cutting edge of the metro-sexual revolution, in his fearless use of an unnecessary accessory.

Jon: This is so ridiculous. I mean just LOOK at that. He’s painting that railing without even applying one coat of primer. Geesh.

Corey: I’m not sure I can articulate exactly why, but whenever I look at this outfit and the expression on this guy’s face… all I can imagine is him singing the theme to “Boosom Buddies.”

A GIRL: When i see him, all I can imagine is the video for “Freeze Frame.”

Jon: Ok, now this film is really creeping me out, because I never noticed it before, but my grandmother has a big pink bath robe that looks just like that one.

Corey: Yet another insulting example of sexist film-makers dressing their female leads in revealing, unrealistic attire in order to attract their target demographic — the teenage male.

A GIRL: Industry insiders refer to this as the ‘I give up’ nightdress, worn by girls who can no longer be bothered to find something chaste yet alluring to wear in the woods. I think it comes from the same collection as Marcie’s top.

Jon: Why are the men in this film more feminine than the women? Pamela Voorhees is dressed like a sea captain, and the final girl is dressed like a gender-neutral cowboy.

A GIRL: I agree with Jon. Alice’s wardrobe seems to have been designed with her younger brother in mind. But, if anyone is a fan, I’m pretty sure you can still get those pants at L.L. Bean (I can get you a two-for-one coupon).

Corey: Alice is not just one of the worst final girls, she’s also one of the worst dressed. It’s hard to believe they went from such a horrible final girl to Ginny in just one film, but that they did. Stay tuned because we look at the greatest final girl of all time (Ginny) and her well-dressed compatriates from Friday the 13th Part 2 in the next installment.