THE THING

THE THING is one of my favorite films, so i was understandably skeptical when i heard they were making a prequel and/or remake. i was anxious for more ‘thing,’ but it would be so easy for them to screw it up by trying to fix what was ‘wrong’ with the first film since it had such a disappointing theatrical release (yet eventually gathered quite the following on home video). i remember reading an interview with the director, stating his intention to be true to the original — but that’s what every director says to appease the existing fans, while not mentioning all the changes they’re having to make to try to have broader appeal. after seeing THE THING, i’m convinced of two things: 1) it’s confusing to name your prequel the same title as the film it is a prequel to and 2) the director was not lying about staying true to the original.

apart from possibly using cgi where it wasn’t necessary in a few places, there is very little to complain about in THE THING. don’t get me wrong — no aspect of john carpenter’s masterpiece is in danger of being eclipsed by this prequel (most notably in the special effects category), but i doubt making a better film than the original was their goal. it feels like they were trying to make a smart and frightening companion piece to the original that supplements it without contradicting or negating anything already established. if that is true, then they succeeded. everything we know from the original about the norwegian camp is seamlessly integrated into the prequel. many scenes are almost identical in tone and content to scenes from carpenter’s, but there are enough twists and differences that it always feels like a homage instead of a rehash. this may not end up joining the original as a true classic of the genre, but it’s certainly entertaining and well worth seeing.

as i was leaving the theater, happily surprised by how much i liked THE THING, i overheard a girl ask her boyfriend “that’s how it ends?!? what happens next?” i did not overhear his reply, but it’s my hope he’s a true horror fan and already owns the answer to her query on dvd and/or blu-ray.

related video: the cast of THE THING (1981) watch THE THING (2011).

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

i was about to start this off with the phrase “despite not being as original as THE WALKING DEAD…”, but quickly realized that would be completely unfair. it’s true that AMERICAN HORROR STORY is not wildly original, as it borrows shamelessly from well-known genre classics and recent horror successes. however, despite being incredibly compelling, THE WALKING DEAD is an even worse offender, stealing unabashedly from only one coffer (george romero’s), while AMERICAN HORROR STORY at least has the decency to spread its thievery around, often sprinkling pilfered bits from john carpenter, stanley kubrick, and alfred hitchcock evenly about, often in the same episode.

most of the time, the show’s tendency to reference other horror films works, coming across not as laziness or plagiarism — but as a type of horror short-hand. in the most recent episode, the intentions of three home intruders is immediately communicated to the audience in a blink of an eye, not through lengthy exposition but by simply emulating the most famous shot from THE STRANGERS. earlier in the same episode during a flashback set in the 1960s, the familiar violin strings from the score of PSYCHO instantly place us in the correct decade and and convey the intentions of an uninvited guest.

the show’s opening credit may be a little too reminiscent of SE7EN’s famous credit sequence, but minor gripes aside, this is a show you should definitely be watching. i don’t know how long they can keep it up, but so far the haunted house story they are telling has kept me riveted and guessing at every turn, and is scarier, sexier and more unnerving than anything horror television has ever seen. similar to the maturity level seen in DEXTER and TRUE BLOOD, but lacking the lightheartedness and comedy those shows occasionally exhibit, AMERICAN HORROR STORY is a hard-edged series that shows a willingness to push the envelope and go to places that even recent horror feature films seem afraid to.

THE WALKING DEAD

along with everyone else in the world, this week i also watched the season premiere of THE WALKING DEAD. once we get to episodes that frank darabont had little to no input on, i’m afraid the show will take a nosedive, but if they can somehow maintain the quality shown in this first episode, then there will be nothing to worry about. you can already see the impact of the budget cuts in a few questionable cgi effects shots, but other than that, there is little to complain about in this season’s opener.

i will, however, complain about how amc is handling suddenly being in possession of an incredibly successful show. in addition to slashing the budget despite growing success and running off the man who created the damn thing, they also became the first company i know of to greedily double-dip the home video release of a show’s first season before the second season even aired.

behind-the-scenes drama aside, the show is fantastic. and it has also spawned one of the more brilliant parodies in recent memory, which you can see below.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (documentary edition)
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)

while i’m sure we all appreciate the subjective nature of taste, as film connoisseurs i think we often take the stance that our critical opinions of films are based on the sum of some objective evaluation of various identifiable aspects of the filmmaking process and that we judge a film only on what is present on the screen. however, i recently watched two films that really drove home the idea that what i was expecting from a film before seeing it drastically influenced my opinion after viewing it.

YELLOW BRICK ROAD

for both of these films, i knew nothing about them other than what i learned from looking at the poster. and YELLOW BRICK ROAD has a really good poster. i don’t know what this girl is flipping out about, but this is fantastic marketing because it makes this film look like it might actually be scary. it’s reminiscent of THE RUINS, but i also got a definite 1970s TEXAS CHAINSAW / LAST HOUSE vibe from it and i was left with the impression that this film was going to be old-school-straight-for-the-balls-that-are-to-the-wall-and-inside-the-pants-that-are-being crapped-in terrifying. i didn’t know whether the threat would be trees, plants, hillbillies or the lollipop guild– and it didn’t matter. i was going to see this film.

and see it i did, but crap my pants i did not. the film starts out well enough, setting up a mystery where an entire town just one day started walking into the woods and died. unfortunately, from there it quickly falls apart, leaving every mystery as mysterious as it was in the first five minutes and padding the time between the opening and the completely unsatisfying climax with scene after scene of useless drivel, philosophical nonsense or, on the rare occasion, one containing a single creepy idea that has some genuine promise that might have been effectively used in another film… but not here. as YELLOW BRICK ROAD stumbled along, leaving a wavy, sporadic trail of crap in its wake like a sick dog, my opinion of the film dropped lower and lower until hitting pretty close to rock bottom as the credits rolled.

that said, when thinking about the film the next day, it occurred to me that a lot of the reason i reacted so negatively to it was because of the promises implicitly made in that poster. had i seen YELLOW BRICK ROAD cold, with no expectations of any kind, i actually think i would have had a much more positive reaction. would i have loved it? probably not. but my “arrrrgggghhhh” reaction of thinking it was probably a 1 out of 5 stars film might very well have been a more reasonable “meh” of 2 or 3 stars had i not been hoping/expecting to love it. we navigate and survive in this world by using incomplete information to make guesses and estimates about how other things in the world are or will be. “will that dog bite me?” “will that car turn left or right?” “will that red berry taste bad?” and yes, “does it seem like that movie will suck?” when the world does not line up with our internal assumptions, the larger that discrepancy is, i think the more powerful our emotional response is and the more we overcompensate by swinging in the opposite direction.

FORGET ME NOT

the poster for FORGET ME NOT is uninspired, to say the least. everything about it — the ‘row of heads’ layout, the constipated look on the actor’s faces, the crappy photoshop filter on the title, and even the title itself — they all scream “this is a ultra low budget, made-over-a-weekend piece of garbage with shitty film quality and shittier audio that you’ll turn off five minutes in.” well, believe it or not — it is none of those things.

FORGET ME NOT is actually a fairly competent dead teenager/ghost movie. it’s not going to win any major awards, but the writing is decent, the characters are interesting enough and the ghosts, while highly derivative of several famous j-horror offerings, are genuinely creepy at times. i’d probably give it 3.5 stars out of 5 and recommend it to any serious horror fans looking for something they might have overlooked. however, i’d suggest getting on dvd — at the time i tried to watch it on netflix instant, some of the sound channels were missing (evident in the initial party where everyone is dancing in the background and you can hear dialogue — but no music, which was not an interesting artistic choice as i first thought). although, perhaps netflix has fixed that issue by now.

similar to YELLOW BRICK ROAD though, i wonder what my feeling on this film would be had i seen it completely cold. am i giving it a 3.5 because of its inherent qualities or because its poster led me to believe it’d be a 1? is it possible i would have judged these films of roughly equal quality had i gone in to both of them with no expectations? maybe it wouldn’t have made a huge difference — it’s hard to say not having had that experience, but i have the feeling that my supposedly objective measurement of their quality as films would have been a lot closer had i not seen or formed such strong opinions based on those posters.

if you’re reading this and you haven’t seen these films, then i’ve just given you a very different set of expectations than i had going into them. i wonder how that will effect your judgement of the films, should you see them… if you want to let me know — leave a comment below.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (documentary edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)

1. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

In terms of film history, this is a must-see for any horror fan, as it’s the prototype for films such as Hostel, Saw, and all the found-footage films that are popular right now. For all its grainy, trashy aesthetics, Cannibal Holocaust is actually far more intelligent and deliberate than it sometimes appears to be. In some ways, the film is a cogent parody of the Western world’s assumptions about native culture, as well as the problematic role of media. That being said, it’s a deeply disturbing film, largely because the director employs real violence to animals as an analog to the fake violence to humans. It’s incredibly gut-wrenching and effective, and also blatantly unethical. I’ll never watch this film again.

2. Scream (1996)

Let me begin by stressing that I like this film if for no other reason than it famously revitalized the slasher genre in the 1990s. It also made horror mainstream by using an all-star cast, and like every other teenage boy in the 90s, I loved every second that Neve Campbell was on screen. It also gave horror a then-needed dose of wit and tongue-in-cheek self-reflection. At its heart, Scream is a horror movie about horror movies. I suppose that being so ground-breaking and influential has a price, as every horror film that followed for a very long time had a similar tone and technique. I love Cherry Falls (a better sequel to Scream than the actual sequels) and the more recent meta-film Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. Scream paved the way for both of these films. And I’m sure I’ll watch Scream 4 when it hits theaters, if only to reminisce about my younger days as a horror fan. But I’ll likely never watch the original Scream again, because all the irony and punch of it is long gone, thanks in part to the rise of the Scary Movie franchise, which thoroughly lampooned everything that was once pithy and subtle about Scream.

3. The Blair Witch Project (1999)

This movie had me cowering in my seat when I saw it in the theater. I’d never seen anything quite like it, as it was one of the first horror films to really make extensive use of shaky-cam, found-footage style film-making in a way that was more realistic and immersive than Cannibal Holocaust. But, like the meta-narrative style of Scream, all of this has been copied and rehashed to the point that its lost its effectiveness. I tried watching The Blair Witch Project again, hoping to recapture that feeling I had when I saw it for the first time. But the twigs tied up in a knot just seemed silly the second time, and the blurry, indiscriminate shapes and sounds were annoying instead of scary, and the amateur acting seemed puerile. Of course, it’s an important film, and it proves that film-makers should be innovative and try new things. But it also means that there’s no real and permanent substitute for having things like a polished script, professional acting, refined cinematography, and the other timeless elements of good film. If there’s another sequel to The Blair Witch Project that has all of those things, then I’ll watch it. Otherwise, I’m finished with this franchise.

4. The Amityville Horror (1979)

This is another film that scared the loving bejeesus out of me as a kid. This is probably because children think of their homes as being both the center of their world, as well as a very safe place to be. So there was something about the idea of a haunted house, with its dark and sinister inner room (the famous “red room”) that turned my adolescent mind upside down. For a long time, it made me afraid to go in the basement of my own house. I saw the film again as an adult and I had two reactions. It’s actually an incredibly slow and boring film, and James Brolin must have been the hairiest, manliest actor in the 70s. The dude belongs in a Brawny paper-towel commercial. I’m glad I saw this film as a kid, but now that I’m an adult, I’ll never see it again.

5. Suspiria (1977), or any of Argento’s films

I’ve loved every Dario Argento movie that I’ve ever seen, including Suspiria. I’m even a big fan of Jenifer and Pelts, his controversial installments in the sadly defunct Masters of Horror series. Suspiria is a well-crafted, exquisitely paced, and beautifully shot film, with choreographed color palettes and carefully orchestrated music. But I’ll never see it again, because I really don’t need to. Argento keeps making the same movie over and over, whether he’s exploring the secret, evil world of dance, or the secret, evil world of the fur trade. They all look and feel about the same, so I’ll never watch Suspiria again, and wait for the next Argento movie instead.

6. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

I have the utmost respect for this movie. And I’m a little surprised myself that it’s on this list, as I could watch the original Night of the Living Dead every night of the week. And Dawn of the Dead is a smart zombie film with lots of important stuff to say. But I tried watching it again a while back, and, as much as it pains me to say this, it’s really kinda boring. I’d forgotten how slowly paced it is, or how there’s a long sequence of events that we have to muddle through before we get to the good stuff in the shopping mall. This might not be fair, but I also can’t help but compare it to Zack Snyder’s 2004 remake. It’s derivative, of course, of Romero’s work, and indebted to it in every way imaginable. But its pacing is perfect, the characters are all interesting, the tone and editing are contemplative but also relentless, and it has a soundtrack that includes the punk-rock poet Jim Carroll and the one-and-only Johnny Cash. What’s not to love? It’s the better film. And I’ll never watch Romero’s Dawn of the Dead again because of it.

Related posts:

1. Films That Defined My Childhood
2. The Most Disturbing Horror Films Ever Made – Part II
3. The Most Disturbing Horror Films Ever Made – Part I
4. REC
5. Horror Community Highlights – September 25th, 2009

from my own childhood, the item i remember most that seemed to serve no other purpose than to gross out those around you was ‘garbage pail kids’ collectible cards. designed as sort of an “eff you” to both the baseball cards our fathers once collected and, obviously, the ‘cabbage patch kid’ mania sweeping the nation in the mid 1980s, these cards were the must-have item when i was eleven. each card featured a cartoon image of a child experiencing some sort of trauma, torture, fatal injury or performing some similarly heinous act themselves. under that picture would be the child’s name, which was usually some sort of bad pun, rhyme or alliteration. a good example of this is ‘blown joan.’

there were usually two variations of each card, each with the same image but a different name (e.g. ‘blown joan’ is also known as ‘curly shirley’). the cards pretty much grossed out anyone who saw them (including the kids who bought them). which was, of course, awesome. how they were able to release images of children either in the process of dying or already dead is beyond me, but the cards were very popular through the late 1980s and early 1990s, and have actually seen a resurgence as new cards and retro releases of the originals have been produced in the last few years. i found several sites that catalog all the cards, so this weekend i spent quite a while looking through every single garbage pail kids card ever released, pulling out those that either directly reference horror films or are based heavily on horror themes. below is the fruit of that labor, so take a stroll with me down horror-nostalgia-gross-out lane…

not many of the cards directly references slasher films, but two notable exceptions are ‘slasher asher’ (aka ‘claude flesh’) and ‘hollow wayne’ (aka ‘jacqueline lantern’).

when i was a kid, having a ‘garbage pail kids’ card with your name was the ultimate in coolness (which is probably why they released at least two names for every card). unfortunately there was never a ‘corey’ card as i was growing up (the closest thing was ‘cory on the cob’), but in the new cards there are two! now if only i was eleven again, these would both go front-and-center on my trapper keeper.

if you want to look at more cards or search for your own name, the three sites below will allow you to do both of those things.

• Barren AARON’s GPK World
• Wayne’s Garbage Pail Kids Reference
• GPK Central

Related posts:

1. Childhood Horrors
2. Horror Community Highlights – March 25, 2011
3. Films That Defined My Childhood
4. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
5. The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

Brandon Sinclair in Witchboard (1986)

This film hinges on the fact that Brandon Sinclair is a wannabe professor of the occult with a concentration in the kooky art of the Oujia board. All of his pretentious, pseudo-academic vocabulary can’t change the fact that his beloved Ouija board is basically a child’s game popularized by Parker Brothers. But what makes Brandon a world-class douchebag is that he brings this Oujia board to a party and then dominates the conversation with it, even when it’s clear that nobody else cares about it. Douchebags like Brandon simply can’t fathom the idea that people aren’t as interested in their dumb hobbies as they are. Then, to make matters worse, he leaves it behind when he finally goes home. If he had simply left his stupid Ouija board in the car, and brought a Pepsi or a bag of chips to the party like a normal person, then Linda would have never found his Ouija board and fooled around with it, thus provoking the wrath of the evil spirit Malfeitor.

Mr. Teague in Poltergeist (1982)

One of the recurring themes in horror films is that the safety and seclusion of suburbia is an illusion. In Poltergeist, it only takes one douchebag to ruin suburban bliss for everyone when Steve learns that his swimming pool, cozy little house, and entire neighborhood was built on an old graveyard. And Mr. Teague, his boss and real estate mogul in charge of the neighborhood’s development, never bothered to move the bodies. This means that Steve has been having his blissful backyard barbecues on top of some very dead, but very angry spirits. This would be horrific enough, but it’s the callous disregard for decency that makes Mr. Teague a true douchebag of villainous proportions.

Dr. Crews in Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)

This franchise really needed part 7. The previous two films were disappointing, but part 7 is arguably one of the best in the entire series. So, in a way, I guess I should be thankful that Dr. Crews was such a manipulative, selfish douchebag in the way that he treats Tina Shepard. Had he been a decent and caring doctor, and not chosen to study and exploit Tina’s telekinetic powers by taking her to the very spot where her father was brutally murdered, then Tina wouldn’t have psychically spazzed out enough to inadvertently resurrect Jason. It’s hard to say, really, who’s worse – Jason or Dr. Crews. For instance, in a shocking display of his true nature, Crews uses Tina’s mother as a human shield. Mercifully, Jason puts an end to the doctor’s evil douchebag rampage by killing him with a saw.

Billy Nolan in Carrie (1976)

Billy Nolan is greasy, mean, and stupid – the perfect douchebag. While Chris is the actual villain of the film, and the one who hates Carrie the most, she could not have carried out her plans to humiliate Carrie without the help of Billy. He doesn’t have anything against Carrie, but a douchebag doesn’t need any real or deep-seated motivation. They just go with their misguided instincts and primal urges. His girlfriend Chris tells him to kill a pig, drain its blood, and then hang it in a bucket above the gymnasium, and so that’s exactly what he does. And the resulting mayhem caused by a blood-drenched Carrie is now a horror film classic.

Juno in The Descent (2005)

Traditionally, the status of douchebag is reserved for males who take their reckless and brazen behavior to shocking new heights of selfishness or stupidity. However, Juno is the undisputed heavy-weight champ and queen mother of all douchebags. First, she has an affair with her friend’s husband, and even carries around a gift she received from him even after he’s killed in a car accident. And then she has the gall to “apologize” for not being around her friend so much after the accident. Also, when she accidentally injures another friend, Beth, she does nothing to help her, and instead panics and leaves her behind to die. In true douchebag fashion, Juno’s instinct for self-preservation trumps all other concerns. An equally audacious and unforgivable act is her decision to take an inexperienced, already traumatized group into dangerous, unexplored cave system, while lying about it and insisting that she knows exactly where she’s going. It’s the sort of wildly reckless, smug confidence that is at the heart of being a douchebag. And, of course, had she simply taken them to the cave she was supposed to, they wouldn’t have had their disastrous encounter with a murderous race of underground cave mutants.

Related posts:

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2. 2010 Evilontwolegs Movie Awards
3. Eleven Horror Movie Plants With Whom You Should Not F (part 2)
4. Where Sequels Go To Die
5. Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards

the layout of my awards are similar to last year, with best films & documentaries, worst films, and special categories for particularly surprising or disappointing films. oddly, the same as last year, a single director appears both in my “best” list and my “most disappointing” list, something i didn’t notice until i’d already finished compiling it. last year, director toby wilkins appeared in the “best” category with SPLINTER and in the “most disappointing” list with THE GRUDGE 3. this year, adam green found his way into both categories. both directors are very active on twitter and seem like nice guys, so i can only assume this is a trend that will continue next year with yet another friendly director who loves to tweet finding his way to make one film i love and one that doesn’t quite live up to my (probably unreasonably high) expectations. mark that down as my prediction for 2011.

the best horror films of 2010

#10

SAW 3D

the latest tri-dimensional entry into the SAW franchise is far from perfect, but a damn sight better than some of the later entries (i’m looking at you 4 & 5). the 3d is fun, and the triumphant return of a principal character from the original made this a very enjoyable, if not horribly original, “ending” to the series (i trust this being the last entry as much as i did THE FINAL CHAPTER and FREDDY’S DEAD.)

#9

SPLICE

SPLICE starts off weird, and then just keeps getting stranger and more depraved. not every choice pays off in the film, but regardless a lot of the storyline and visual directions were brave, whether they all worked or not. a little inconsistent, but definitely worth a view from cronenberg fans or genetic scientists who wish their profession involved more kinky sex.

#8

THE CRAZIES

one of films i’m embarrassed to say i’ve never seen is george romero’s THE CRAZIES. it’s on netflix instant, so i really have no excuse. after seeing this slick, enjoyable remake, i may have to finally sit down and watch the original, because if it it’s anything like the new one, then i’m missing out. the remake features some great suspense moments, likable characters and law enforcement (timothy olyphant and his deputy) wearing some disturbingly tight pants (maybe that’s an iowa fashion thing i’m unaware of).

#7

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

i went into THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE like most — equally horrified and intrigued at the film’s simple premise, but not expecting much beyond that. i was shocked to find a clever and surprisingly restrained thriller with some great and (in the case of dieter laser) incredibly creepy performances.

#6

PIRANHA 3D

this is a remake of a film that was itself a blatant rip-off of another, more successful movie about a shark eating people. if that sounds like something you might like, then i doubt you’ll be disappointed by this tongue-in-cheek and ridiculously gory and nudity filled 3d extravaganza.

#5

THE LAST EXORCISM

i have yet to tire of these shaky-cam horror films when they’re done well, and this one is. doesn’t quite reach the heights of creepiness that BLAIR WITCH and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY achieved, but still well worth checking out.

#4

BURIED

in the hitchcockian tradition set by LIFEBOAT and ROPE, BURIED is an exercise in filmmaking. in this case, the exercise is setting an entire movie in a closed coffin. there are no cheats here… no flashbacks or dream sequences. this is an hour and a half of ryan reynolds stuck in a box. you’d think that’d be a hard thing to make tense and interesting for 90 minutes, but this film did it.

#3

FROZEN

adam green’s FROZEN is similar to BURIED in that the majority of the film takes place with people trapped in a single location (here it’s a stopped chair lift). it also shares the same serious tone, with the very occasional moment of dark comedy thrown in to alleviate the near-constant tension. a welcome departure from green’s over-the-top silliness exhibited in the HATCHET series.

#2

LET ME IN

i have not seen LET ME IN, but i am including it in the number two slot anyway, because that’s the kind of shit-house-rat crazy bastard i am. i wouldn’t blame you if that makes you disregard my opinion or this list, but bear with me. every review i’ve read of this film (at least the ones written by people i trust) says the same thing — “almost, but not quite as good as the original.” since i know exactly how i feel about the original, i’m going to trust my fellow horror reviewers on this one (well, at least until it hits blu-ray). after seeing it, i will add an addendum^* to this entry stating whether my educated guess on its placement on this list was accurate or not — but i’m almost certain it would reside here, if not higher. ^*after seeing LET ME IN, it would definitely either be in the #2 slot or tied with #1. i’m planning to look at the film more closely in an upcoming post.

#1

LAKE MUNGO

this film was the biggest holy crap that was better than i ever thought it would be moment of 2010, which would definitely place it on my “most surprising” list if it weren’t already residing at the top of this one. i’d kind of given up on the 8films2die4 gimmick as the films usually range from the terribly bad to the terribly mediocre and this one looked to be more of the same (although, to mix things up, it also looked to be “terribly australian”). i wouldn’t blame you if you missed this one, but i urge you to go back and give it another chance. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY left me a little unsettled when the curtain fell, but LAKE MUNGO had me feeling ill-at-ease hours after it’d finished. if you’re a fan of ghost stories and faux documentaries, this is one of the best out there.

the worst horror films of 2010

LEGION

LEGION is like THE PROPHECY but without christopher walken or anything else cool or interesting. the trailers centered around an ice-cream man opening his mouth real wide which seemed like an odd choice, until i saw the film and realized that was the least crappy two seconds in the whole film.

THE RIG

i normally try not to come down too hard on low-budget films, but this one is damn near unwatchable. other films this year managed to come up with something slightly interesting with limited resources, but THE RIG fails to even make william forsythe seem cool, a feat i’d previously thought impossible. this monster tale on an oil rig (which looks suspiciously like a high school in most scenes) redefines tedium and is the only film this year that caused me to literally yell at it, begging it to just, please, end already.

the best horror documentaries of 2010

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY

similar to last year’s voorhees’-centric documentary HIS NAME WAS JASON, this in-depth look at the ELM STREET series is far slicker and engaging.

BEST WORST MOVIE

this bizarre but oddly touching look into the making of and current lives of those involved in the cult classic TROLL 2 is well worth seeing, regardless of whether you’re familiar with the film it examines.

the most surprising horror films of 2010

BURNING BRIGHT

when i first read the description of BURNING BRIGHT on netflix (woman is trapped in a house with a circus tiger), my initial thought was “there’s no way i’m adding that to my queue.” after a moment’s reflection, that quickly changed to “that sounds so stupid, there’s no way i’m not moving that up to #1 in my queue.” i’m glad i changed my mind as this turned out to be a surprisingly tension-filled film, despite a few minor short-comings (mainly due to budget limitations, i suspect).

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

i’ve always had a soft spot for the 1980s NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, so when i heard it was getting a straight-to-video remake, i was not particularly optimistic. however, the new version far exceeded my expectations, retaining the same silly tone of the original while adding some interesting new plot points and imaginative special effects. also it features a scene where people’s lives depend on how fast they can trace, which must be a horror film first.

the most disappointing horror films of 2010

DEVIL

after the beat-you-over-the-head ya-gotta-have-faith message at the end of SIGNS (which, apart from that bit, i kind of liked), i should have known that m. night shamalamadingdong could not possibly treat the idea of satan trapped in an elevator any less subtly. i was optimistic though given he did not direct it himself, but that optimism was misplaced. DEVIL has a few good moments and some decent scares (even if it uses the same ones over and over again), but the overall effect, theme and tacked on “moral” of the film felt insultingly lame.

HATCHET 2

i have mixed feelings about the first HATCHET because it’s just so damn silly and hardly the return to “old school american horror” that it billed itself as, but i had to admit it was an often funny and entertaining film. the news that fan-favorite danielle harris would be joining the sequel gave me high hopes that it might eclipse the first, but those hopes were smashed against the rocks minutes into my pay-per-view screening of HATCHET 2. the sequel keeps the over-the-top gruesome deaths of the original film, but makes the bizarre choice to be just as silly but not nearly as funny as its predecessor. if it’s not scary and it’s not funny, then you’d think that with a slasher film you’d at least be able to enjoy looking at some young, attractive people talking about sororities and fumbling with bra straps before being killed — but there too you’d be wrong, as the people being hunted by victor crowley are almost all middle-aged, slightly over-weight hunters and bikers (with the exception of harris, of course). despite dying in the last film, parry shen returns, but is completely underused and is never given the chance to be as funny and interesting as he was in HATCHET. i give adam green huge props for going up against the mpaa and standing up for independent horror, and i loved FROZEN, but i was horribly underwhelmed by victor crowley’s second outing.

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2. Horror Movie Plots That Could Have Been Defused By Someone Not Being a Douchbebag
3. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards
4. Horror Community Highlights – December 17, 2010
5. Blog Awards!

Microwaves

Microwave ovens are not as dangerous as people think. They won’t explode if you accidentally microwave a metal spoon in your bowl of soup. They don’t emit dangerous radiation (they omit non-ionizing radiation, which is different from x-rays or the radioactive fallout that created Godzilla). But if you see a microwave oven in a horror movie, it will inevitably be used to kill something. Gremlins (1984) features a famous example, but microwaves have also been used as weapons in Superstition (1982), Evil Laugh (1988), The Last House on the Left (2009), and the infamously bad Microwave Massacre (1983).

Cymbal Clanging Monkeys

I don’t know who decided that a cymbal clanging monkey would be a good child’s toy. For one, they’re weird and creepy, but more than that, they’re pretty lame, as far as toys go, as they don’t really do that much. But in a horror film, these harmless toys are always the harbinger of death and doom. In The Devil’s Gift (1984), a woman accidentally summons an evil spirit who then inhabits a toy monkey, an idea that some people claim was ripped off from the short story “The Monkey,” by Stephen King. And an evil-looking toy monkey is used in the trailers for Monkey Shines (1988). The movie wasn’t really that scary and featured real monkeys, but the trailer gave me nightmares as a kid.

Garbage Disposals

When I was a kid, I lost my beloved Chewbacca action figure to the evil teeth of a garbage disposal. But I’ve never heard of an actual garbage disposal related injury, let alone a fatality involving one. You’re far more likely to injure yourself taking the garbage out the curb. But if you ever see anyone using a garbage disposal in a horror film, there is no doubt at all that someone’s hand will get stuck and severely mauled in it. In Halloween: H20 (1998), Michael Myers uses a garbage disposal to finish off Charlie, who has foolishly stuck his hand down the drain to fish out his corkscrew. Death by garbage disposal is also featured in Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes (1989).

Children’s Dolls

Cymbal clanging monkeys aren’t the only children’s toys to be used in horror films. In fact, any child’s toy you see in a horror movie will likely kill someone. But especially dolls. I suppose they’re inherently spooky because they’re basically dead, or at least inanimate, versions of human beings. And it’s scary when toys become evil because they’re so innocent and intimate. If our own toys turn against us, then it means the world really has become an evil place. The X-Files episode “Chinga,” co-written by Stephen King features a murderous porcelain doll that exerts an evil influence. Evil dolls are also featured in Magic (1978), Puppet Master (1989), Dolls (1985), and, of course, the Child’s Play series.

Mirrors

No one has ever died from looking in the mirror, no matter how monstrous your bed head or morning hangover might make you look. And despite the fact that every household in America has a mirror in it, they’re always the gateway to hell or some other nether region in horror films. Of course, legends and folktales about the sinister aspect of mirrors has been around for a very long time, but anyone who looks in one in a horror film is absolutely asking for trouble. Often, they are metaphors for the fact that the world as we think we see and know it is not real or safe, and mirrors offer a glimpse into a darker, distorted reality beyond our everyday existence. For instance, in the one of the first horror films ever made, the J. Searle Dawley version of Frankenstein produced in 1911, the protagonist looks into a mirror and sees his own reflection turn into a monster. And every suspense film in the last thirty years has a scene in which someone closes a bathroom mirror, or looks into a bathroom mirror, to reveal someone standing ominously in the background – An American Werewolf in London is a prime example. Of course, the most famous instance of a horrifying encounter with a mirror is the legend of Bloody Mary which has been scaring the hell out of pre-teens at slumber parties for at least the last 50 years. Versions of it have been used in the television shows The X-Files and Supernatural, and in films such as Candyman (2006).

Televisions

My eyes were glued to the television for the bulk of my adolescence, and I still have 20/20 vision and a life-long love of books, so I don’t think television is as dangerous my parents told me. But if you see a television featured prominently in a horror film, there is a 100 percent chance that someone’s head will be shoved through it, or that something horrifying will come out of it to kill and/or torment everyone in the vicinity of its diabolical glow. My favorite depiction of a killer television is Cronenberg’s 1983 film Videodrome. It’s a serious look at Marshall McLuhan’s famous theories prevalent in the 80s that new technologies, including television, have shaped our sense of reality to the degree that what is “real” now exists in purely mediated forms. Our media, the film suggests, shapes and defines us as much as we shape it. In recent horror films, killer televisions are being replaced with computers, but the message is the same – there’s a dangerous, mysterious “ghost” in our machines that we can’t always predict or govern. But for classic examples of killer televisions check out Poltergeist (1982) and A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987).

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1. Silent Hill (2006)

West Virginia has seen its share of coal mining tragedies, and there are some truly eerie ghost towns scattered throughout the state. In some cases they are the sad result of post-industrialization and a dwindling economy, and in others the result of the coal mining company that owned the town simply deciding to pull up stakes and leave. Or, in the case of fictitious Silent Hill, West Virginia, it’s the result of a horrible coal-mining accident, nightmarish mutant creatures, murderous religious fanatics and one possessed and pissed off little girl.

2. The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

I’ve lived in West Virginia for a long time, and I’m still a bit confused about the state’s most notorious monster. Sightings of the red-eyed, winged Mothman began in the late 1960s near the West Virginia town of Point Pleasant. Somehow, the creature is connected to an old, World War II era TNT factory where it is usually spotted. Its appearance also coincides with UFO sightings and reports of other apparitions, poltergeists, and paranormal activities. In its most famous sighting, the creature appeared hovering above the Siler Bridge outside of Point Pleasant days before it collapsed, killing forty-six people. Thankfully, The Mothman Prophecies leaves out a number of these odd details, as the film is confusing enough without them. Even though I’ve yet to see the creature, the sight of the Mothman statue in the center of town was well worth the drive to Point Pleasant last summer.

3. Wrong Turn (2003)

Even though this film delves into the worst stereotypes associated with my home state, I am a fan of it. I can’t deny that it features some of the most gratuitously violent and perfectly depraved villains you’re likely to encounter in a horror film. And with names like “Three-Finger,” “Saw-Tooth,” and “One-Eye,” it’s clear that the filmmakers are not going for realism here. This is pure exploitation. And I love it.

4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

The fact that Clarice Starling is from West Virginia is central to this film’s story. She is the allegorical country innocent who must come to grip with the depravity and evil that exists in the larger world. Also, one of the film’s most important scenes takes place in Clay County, West Virginia, where one of Buffalo Bill’s victims is found with a moth stuffed in her mouth. Starling has to deal with not only the gruesome murder, but also with returning to her own troubled roots, a fact made clear in the awkward funeral home scene. The film is really Starling’s coming of age story, a fact not lost on Hannibal Lecter, who takes a profound interest in her growth and potential.

5. The X-Files

Not only does much of the second X-Files movie take place in West Virginia, many of the episodes from the 1990s do as well. Any time the series needed to get away from the urban sprawl of Washington, DC for someplace more private or gothic, they always ended up in West Virginia. The show also featured their own version of the Mothman creature. And one of my favorite villains from the series was Orel Peattie, a mountain man from West Virginia who practiced an Appalachian version of folk magic grounded in this state’s Celtic and Scotch-Irish heritage.

6 Ghost Hunters (Sci-Fi Channel, 2008)

I live in the town of Weston, where not much ever happens to make the news. But all that changed in 2008 when the popular television show Ghost Hunters arrived a few blocks from where I live to film an episode of their show in Weston’s historic Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. Built in 1864 and in operation until the 1990s, the asylum was state-of-the-art for its day, and is one of the largest hand-cut stone masonry buildings in the United States. It’s one of the most impressive and also creepiest buildings you’re likely to see, with seemingly endless stone cells, fallen stairways, spiraling towers, and a basement where I’ve been told the criminally insane were housed. For what it’s worth, the folks from Ghost Hunters declared it officially haunted.

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1. “Jeepers Creepers” from Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers?
Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those eyes?
Gosh all git-up, how’d you get so lit up?
Gosh all git up, how’d it get that size?

Undeniably, this is the jazziest song in my list. It’s been covered by everyone from Louis Armstrong to Ella Fitzgerald to Siouxsie and the Banshees. In the film Jeepers Creepers, Trish and Darry are warned by the mysterious psychic Jezelle that whenever they hear the song it means they’re in danger, and that it’s also the key to understanding the mysterious creature called the Creeper. I’m not sure that the song ever really helps in explaining the Creeper, as the only connection between the two seems to be the fact that he has a thing for stealing eyes. But that’s enough for me, as I would have been very disappointed if it turned out that you could dazzle the Creeper into submission with jazz hands.

2. “Hey You!” from The Mummy’s Curse (1944)

Hey, you
With the naughty eye
When you pass us by
We just have to cry
“Hey, you! Yoo-hoo!”

Deep in a Louisiana bayou, the mummy of Princess Ananka is resurrected in the form of beautiful woman when an excavation team exposes her to sunlight. “Cajun Joe,” the team’s foreman, takes her, for some inexplicable reason, to Tante Berthe’s Café where Tante Berthe herself sings the folk classic “Hey You.” The song sets the exotic, alluring mood for the film, and also heralds the imminent demise of both Tante and Cajun Joe. Ananka’s mummified hubby isn’t about to let his ancient bride be subjected to Cajun crooning. Why the mummy is in a Louisiana swamp to begin with is anybody’s guess, as its prequel, The Mummy’s Ghost, ended in Massachussetts. Lon Chaney, Jr. apparently hated this film, and it ended the Mummy franchise at Universal Studios for several decades. Still, I’ve always liked the Cajun vibe of this film.

3. “Your Eyes See But My Shadow” from Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Your eyes see but my shadow
My heart is overflowing
There so much you can learn to love
You’re not content knowing
Tenderly you could see my soul

The current stage version of Phantom gets all the glory, but Robert Englund put aside his striped sweater to play the part of Erik, the brilliant composer turned monster who makes a deal with the devil in exchange for the perfect song for his opera Don Juan Triumphant. Naturally, the deal goes south and his face melts off as soon as the song is complete. The song, called “Your Eyes See But My Shadow,” is lost for decades until an up and coming opera singer needs a break and rediscovers it. To be honest, this film is a pretty lousy version of Phantom, but the song is actually quite good. As is often the case with catchy diddies, anyone who hears it in the film is likely to die in a freak stage accident involving scaffolding and sandbags. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the song is good enough to justify having your face horribly disfigured, it’s undeniably the best part of the film.

4. Freddy’s Lullaby from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.

I don’t know why lullabies are so inherently scary. Perhaps it’s because they remind us of how strange and uncanny sleep really is–something children seem to know, even if adults learn to forget it. Most traditional lullabies have a surreal and even violent subtext that equates sleep with death, or suggest that mysterious things happen during the night when we’re asleep and vulnerable. Wes Craven taps into all of these fears in the original Nightmare, a film that scared me as a kid far worse than other films of that era. That was due in no small part to this creepy lullaby often sung by jump-roping children and always a portent of Freddy’s arrival.

5. “In Dreams” from Blue Velvet (1986)

A candy colored clown they call the Sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
“Go to sleep everything is all right.”

It’s amazing that this film can turn such a classic, if saccharine, song into something so utterly depraved. The sexually ambiguous Ben initially does a bizarre pantomime version of the song, but it’s Frank’s recitation of it to Jeffrey before savagely beating him that makes it so horrifying. He delivers the song’s lyrics, after dosing himself with a powerful hallucinogenic gas, with such emphasis and force that he seems to insist that there’s a hidden message in it, or that it might give Jeffrey the answers he’s looking for. None of this is true, but the fact that Frank thinks so makes him—and the song—all the more frightening.

6. “Nights in White Satin” from Halloween 2 (2009)

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I’d always missed with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore.

In his version of Halloween 2, Rob Zombie uses the classic Moody Blues song to symbolize Michael’s insanity and his powerful attachment to his dead mother. And it means a whole lot of hurt for anyone in the film who hears it. The song is very effective in setting an eerie tone for the film, and Zombie also uses it to establish the film’s use of white as symbol for oblivion. To that end, he also includes an archetypal white horse, which, as he explains at the beginning of the film, is a universal symbol for instinct, purity, rage, chaos and destruction. In much the same way, the television show Twin Peaks used a white horse to symbolize heroin addiction and the loss of reason. In Melville’s Moby Dick, the white whale symbolizes both god and death. None of this is even remotely relevant to John Carpenter’s Halloween or any of his original characters, and I don’t think Rob Zombie gives a rat’s ass. “Nights in White Satin” is still an awesome song though.

7. The cell phone ringtone from One Missed Call (2004)

Being a ringtone, this song has no lyrics at all, but it’s strangely haunting and the kind of tune that gets stuck in your head and you can’t remember where you heard it. The American remake chose inexplicably to use a different song than that used in Takishi Miike’s original, but the Japanese version of the song is far better in my opinion. It reminds me of a child’s music box that’s somehow playing underwater or after it’s been badly damaged. As far as I know, the song is unique to the film, and is not a traditional lullaby. In the world of One Missed Call, hearing this ringtone on your cell phone signals your imminent death, similar to the phone call from The Ring but without the prerequisite of having watched a pretentious art school project on VHS. Here’s a little fact that I didn’t know until writing this post: Corey has this ringtone assigned to my incoming calls on his iPhone.

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1. Dracula (1931)
When I was five years old, the Book Mobile came to my elementary school every other month or so. I couldn’t yet read anything more advanced than “Run Spot Run,” so I never got all that excited about it, until one day I noticed this big, glossy book with lots of photos and movie stills from what I later came to know as classic Universal horror films. I gave up my ice-cream money for that book, and pretty much wore the thing out. I loved the pictures of the The Fly, The Mummy, and The Wolfman, but it was Bela Lugosi’s Dracula that hooked me more than the others. Of course, I couldn’t articulate why I was so interested in his character, but I think it was his combination of menace and sophistication, animal ferocity and cultivation. As a kid, it gave me a whole new way to think about the monsters that I thought lurked beneath my bed. Even though I begged them, my parents never did let me actually watch Browning’s Dracula until I was much older, but Bela Lugosi’s strange portrayal captivated my childhood imagination for years.

2. The Omen (1976)
I was around ten years old when this film started making its way into the movie of the week circuit, and one weekend I stayed up late and sneaked into my parent’s basement to watch it. I remember thinking the story was a little boring and hard to follow, until I realized that the kid in the film was not human, and this his parents were probably going to have to kill him. As an adult, I really don’t care for this film, but as a kid, it was shocking to think about the fact that the relationship between children and adults can be violent and antagonistic. And I can distinctly remember spending hours the next day in front of the bathroom mirror looking for a 666 birth-mark hidden deep in my scalp.

3. The Shining (1980)
I grew up in a rural town, so it was a really big deal when we finally got cable one summer. As part of a promotional package, we got two free weeks of Showtime, which I pretty much watched non-stop. Most of the time, I’d gather the neighborhood boys to watch Emmanuel, but one day in the middle of the week I decided to watch The Shining by myself. It might have been the creepy music, the claustrophobic setting, the story’s uncanny blend of real-life and supernatural threats, or the fact that much of the film is from Danny’s point-of-view, but The Shining effed me up like no film ever has, or likely ever will again. Even though this film scarred my fragile adolescent psyche, it had at least one positive effect. For the rest of the summer, I dreaded being inside or in any kind of confined space, so I spent most of my remaining free time learning to play baseball. It turned out to be a pretty good summer. Still, like Danny’s insatiable curiosity to peak behind door #237, I knew I’d never get rid of my new-found need to see if the next horror film would scare me as badly as The Shining.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Around the age of thirteen, I discovered slashers and rented every one of them I could find at the local video store. I came to love all that low-budget gore, cheesy dialogue, and lurid stories about relentless killers and intrepid teenage survivors. And then I rented The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was unlike any slasher I had ever seen. It didn’t follow any of the conventions, and it didn’t even seem like a movie at all, but an hour and twenty minutes of raw, uncut screaming and brutality. I didn’t have enough savvy at the time to understand that Hooper used a deliberate “documentary” aesthetic to give the film a kind of gritty naturalism. But I did learn that when it comes to horror films, the rules of conventional story-telling or standard decency don’t always apply, and that no other genre of film could be more thrilling.

5. Return of the Living Dead (1985)
As a teenager, I learned so many things from this film. First, I learned that zombie films aren’t just gory social commentary about our own inhumanity, but can be smart, funny, and provocative, all at the same time. Second, I learned that punk rockers have the coolest nicknames, i.e., Trash, Scuz, Spider, and Suicide. Third, I learned that no matter how much I would come to hate my after-school job as a bag boy, it couldn’t get any worse than Freddy’s first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company. And finally, I learned that 1985 was THE year that defined the zeitgeist of that decade, but NOT because of The Breakfast Club. For me, the 80s will always be best defined by The Return of the Living Dead. In fact, this film is unique to this list in that none of the above films still scare me like they did when I was a kid, but this one takes me right back to 1985 and still entertains me every single time I watch it.

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paranormal activity
while the year is not yet over, i can easily state that paranormal activity will be on my top ten list for the year and has a damn good chance at the #1 slot. the hype surrounding it just keeps growing, but after seeing the film last week i have no problem saying that the hype is well-deserved. it’s not often that a film gets under my skin and continues creeping me out long after the credits have rolled… but paranormal activity did just that.

this film isn’t going to please everyone, especially those looking for an action/gore packed roller-coaster ride. this is a slow-burn, suspense-driven piece that may not work for those that quickly grow impatient with films of this sort (e.g., the blair witch project). further, paranormal activity really needs to be seen in a crowded theater to be fully enjoyed. the sense of dread and anticipation of each scare is palatable in the theater, and i just don’t see that working at home nearly as well unless you make sure you’re watching it with as few distractions as possible (i.e., turn out the lights, put away your iphone and give the film your full attention). still, i’m looking forward to the dvd release, not just because of the much-talked-about alternate endings, but because it may be a more comfortable experience when viewed from underneath the blanket i’ll undoubtedly need to be hiding under in order to watch it again.

saw vi
paranormal activity got thrown into the boxoffice ring with the reigning champ of late october horror films, the saw franchise. despite decent reviews, saw vi got pummelled its opening weekend… which makes this ridiculous poster for the film i saw at the theater rather ironic. however, despite the boxoffice beating that saw vi took to a film that cost less than a used hyundai to make, there was another shocker… saw vi is actually decent. i’ve always liked the saw series overall, but even i was about to jump ship after part 5. luckily they’ve steered the series back on course with part 6, creating a film heavy on political satire (think hostel meets michael moore’s sicko) and arguably as good as any of the previous sequels. oh, and you get to see tanedra, who won scream queens season one, overact quite a bit. so that’s fun too.

the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface
despite a spectacularly over-the-top performance from viggo “aragon” mortenson as a sexually conflicted cowboy (long before brokeback mountain made it cool), this is just not a very good movie. i really enjoy the platinum dunes remake, but for those that complain that michael bay ruined the this franchise… i point you towards the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface (and the even worse texas chainsaw massacre: the next generation) as evidence that the series was already ruined.

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seventh moon
i kinda enjoyed seventh moon, but that may have a lot to do with its story hitting pretty close to home. it’s about a couple on their honeymoon in an exotic locale which turns against them. having just gotten back from my own honeymoon (which was my first trip out of the country), it wasn’t hard for me to identify with the main characters. the documentary visual style (very similar to that used in open water) further heightened the creepy factor. the first half of the film worked better for me than the last half because, once the threat is revealed (see the cover), i realized i’m just not all that scared of skinny, bald, pasty-white chinese guys. still, while i wouldn’t recommend it as highly as the children (the best of this year’s four ghost house film releases), i’d still suggest checking it out.

the thaw
the thaw really isn’t all that bad, but i would probably like it a lot more if it hadn’t stolen 90% of its story and ideas from the classic x-files episode “ice” (which, admittedly, stole many of its ideas from john carpenter’s the thing). the thing, “ice” and the thaw all revolve around a research team uncovering a parasite frozen for centuries that infects one or more of the team, leading to a panic and anger-filled game of “who’s infected and who’s not”, followed by a thrilling round of “should we leave here or quarantine ourselves for the betterment of the world.” the thaw throws in val kilmer, some gore and wraps it all up in a silly little eco-terrorism bow, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.

offspring
this is, by far, the worst of the four recent ghost house pictures offerings. based on a jack ketchum novel (which, i believe, is a sequel to a novel that hasn’t been filmed yet), the story revolves around a lighthouse keeper’s children who went native for some reason and started living in caves and wearing really cheesy tarzan outfits. occasionally they get hungry and wander away from their caves (situated along the new england/canadian border) to invade people’s homes and eat them. and steal their babies. a few insulting movie cliches get thrown in for good measure (the “so-evil-it’s-ridiculous” abusive ex-husband, the overweight alcoholic villain-obsessed ex-cop, etc.), but mainly the film is about a bunch of kids in flintstones costumes grunting and pulling out fake intestines from people’s tummies. despite what the boxart may tell you, it’s not compelling, it’s not frightening and it’s not controversial… it’s just silly.

clive barker’s book of blood
clive barker adaptations are usually hit-or-miss, but book of blood falls mostly into the ‘hit’ category. watching it “feels” more like reading barker’s prose than anything i’ve seen before, largely due to the bbc quality of the video and the undeniably british-ness of just about everything. the majority of the scares are of the amityville-esque paranormal researcher ‘haunted house’ variety, which may not satisfy hellraiser fans more accustomed to the ‘chains ripping people into a million pieces and giant penis demons’ variety of horror. that said, book of blood does feature one of the more grotesque facial removal scenes i’ve ever witnessed. ick! the climax of the film doesn’t really live up to the setup, but overall i quite liked book of blood.

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1. Anaconda (1997)
I’m not sure why I’ve never seen this movie, as I recall seeing a pretty cool trailer involving a lithe and wicked-looking snake whipping around a boat. And I know that it stars some venerable actors, including Jon Voight, and that rapper who sang “Mama Said Knock You OUT.” Maybe it’s this connection to rap music that’s kept me from seeing it. Don’t’ get me wrong, I like rap as much as the next guy, but being a child of the 80s, I can’t help but think of the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” whenever I hear the word “Anaconda.” It’s just part of my subconscious now. So thank you very much Sir Mix-A-Lot. You’ve kept me from seeing what I’m sure is one of the better films ever made about a giant reptile eating Angelina Jolie’s father.

2. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
I like The Omen, The Exorcist, The Prince of Darkness, The Ninth Gate, The First Power, The Car, The Devil’s Advocate, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, and I even kind of like Bedazzled and My Demon Lover. The first song I remember loving as a kid is Charlie Daniels’ “The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Let’s face it, the Devil is just plain interesting. Add in the fact that this is one of the seminal films from legendary and controversial director Roman Polanski, and it’s ludicrous that I haven’t seen Rosemary’s Baby. I know little about the film except that it stars Mia Farrow, so if Woody Allen is the demonic father of her onscreen hell baby, I’ll kick myself even harder for not seeing this.

3. An American Werewolf In Paris (1997)
One of the things I love about An American Werewolf In London is its strange and unsettling mixture of horror and comedy. I imagine that the Parisian sequel has even more hijinks than the original, with plenty of characters comically slipping on banana peels and whatnot. I’ll wager that the story goes something like this: a romance develops between an all-American wolf-boy and a young French waif, but their relationship is doomed after an inane but tenacious French detective stumbles upon the mutilated, half-eaten body of a well-loved mime.

4. Stir Of Echoes (1999)
This is a film I’ve had in limbo at the bottom of my Netflix queue for years now. I’ve always heard that it’s a pretty good ghost story featuring Kevin Bacon. If I remember correctly, I think the film is about an all-American town haunted by the tragic deaths of some high school kids who were drinking and driving after their box social. Kevin Bacon plays the part of a strange newcomer who must cleanse this town of its ghosts through the power of rock ‘n’ roll and the sheer force of his furious dancing.

5. Dog Soldiers (2002)
The only reason this film is on my list is because my co-writer, Corey, suggested that I include it. I have never seen a trailer for this film, read any reviews of this film, or even heard anyone mention this film until he did. So I figured it must be a film along the lines of Ginger Snaps—a really good film that somehow never got the mainstream attention it deserved. But Corey seemed amazed I’d never seen it, so it must be some kind of mega-hit that I just somehow missed. Apparently, you can even buy Dog Soldiers action figures. And, as Corey pointed out to me, there are no Ginger Snaps action figures (but I say there should be).

6. Dead Alive (aka Braindead) (1992)
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I knew him from Heavenly Creatures, his superbly crafted film about the tenderness and cruelty of adolescent obsessions. Apparently, he also made splatter films about zombies and aliens, and one of them, so I’ve been told, features muppets. I REALLY hope it’s Dead Alive, because I think undead muppets would be a wonderful way to introduce kids to the delightful world of re-animated corpses ushering in the apocalypse.

7. Cujo (1983)
I’ve loved gore films since I was a kid, but I can’t stomach the idea of a dog being injured or hurt in a film. I just about had to stop watching I Am Legend because of that terrible scene involving his dog. So maybe that’s why I‘ve avoided Cujo. I also haven’t read Stephen King’s novel, so I’m really in the dark about this one. Of course, “Cujo” has now become a synonym for “vicious dog,” so I think I’ve got the gist of the story: man’s best friend turns out to be not so friendly after all. I’m pretty sure they used a St. Bernard for the film, and I imagine it’s pretty scary, as they’re big dogs, and usually very friendly and trustworthy. However, I think it would be even scarier to be attacked by a gang of very small dogs, say, beagles or pugs.

8. White Zombie (1932)
I love classic black and white horror films. I think James Whale’s Bride of Frankenstein is just as savvy and sophisticated as anything being made today. I also love zombies. So, once again, I’m at a loss as to why I’ve not yet seen what is credited as being the first zombie film. And it features the original bad-boy of horror, Bela Lugosi. I don’t know exactly what his particular role in the film entails, but I’ve seen stills of his character, and those big, bushy eyebrows and fu Manchu beard are strangely hypnotic. I’m also pretty sure that Rob Zombie’s band White Zombie took its name from this film, so I bet the immaculately coiffed Lugosi is the real inspiration for Rob’s ongoing fascination with long-haired villains, heroes, and every other character type.

9. Prom Night (1980)
I’ve heard the remake of this film really stinks. But I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t seen either one. I know that it’s an important slasher film, and I’ve heard it described as the unofficial sequel to Halloween, largely due to the fact that it features Jamie Lee Curtis as its final girl. I’m sure this film is as good as everyone says, but I don’t think you need to throw a homicidal maniac into the mix to make prom night scary. They’re inherently terrifying events, what with all those awkward teenage boys in their ill-fitting tuxedos and girls in their big, poofy, southern antebellum prom dresses. And I think 1980, in particular, must have been really tough on proms because it was a lousy year for music. Disco was still around, and a lot of music’s best and brightest tragically died in 1980, including Ian Curtis of Joy Division, Darby Darsh of the Germs, Bon Scott of AC/DC, John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, and, of course, John Lennon. And that’s horrifying enough.

10. Black Christmas (1974)
I’m especially embarrassed that I haven’t seen this one, as it’s one of those films that slasher fans constantly reference. I suppose it’s kind of like being a football fan who never watches the Superbowl. I have, however, seen Silent Night, Deadly Night, so I’m not completely in the dark when it comes to violent yuletide films. I know that Olivia Hussey stars in Black Christmas, and I think it must have killed her career. She was brilliant in her portrayal of youthful naiveté and unabashed sexuality in Franco Zeffirelli’s iconic 1968 film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet. But I don’t think her career ever really went anywhere after 1974. And this makes me wonder all the more about what horrible things Santa must have done to her in Black Christmas. I bet it involves something nasty from that big sack of toys he carries around and the repeated use of the phrase “naughty.”

Related posts:

1. Films That Defined My Childhood
2. Great Horror Films That I Will Never See Again
3. The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids
4. The First Victims in Horror Cinema: A Tribute
5. Horror Community Highlights – October 2nd, 2009

I had very high expectations for the 1976 film Who Can Kill a Child because it invariably makes it onto lists for “the most disturbing films of all time.” It begins with a very long, very strange, and largely unnecessary montage of stock footage suggesting just how cruel and hard the world can be for children. I suppose it’s intended to prepare us for the film’s “radical” dénouement that children can be just as evil as adults. This is the lesson learned by Tom and Evelyn, an English couple of the stock “way over their heads in a foreign place” variety, who decide to vacation on a remote island off the coast of Spain. To their horror, it’s been overrun by a group of vicious children who have killed off all the adults. The real “twist” in the story, I guess, is when Tom and Evelyn come to the painful, gut-wrenching, drama-inducing decision that (gasp!) they might just have to defend their lives (and Evelyn’s unborn baby) by shooting some of the little buggers. Maybe I’m jaded. Or maybe I’ve seen Lord of the Flies and Children of the Corn way too many times, but I just didn’t find this to be all that disturbing. It’s terrible, sure. A damn shame, absolutely. But it’s not nearly as subversive as the film (and the freakin’ hour long debate between Tom and Evelyn) suggests. There are far more disturbing stories featured every week on Law and Order SVU.

On the other hand, I didn’t expect much at all from 1961’s The Innocents, but it’s a smart, subtle and creepy little gem of a ghost story. Deborah, a young, prim and proper governess is hired to watch over a mansion in the remote Sussex countryside, as well as its two occupants, the recently orphaned Miles and Flora. In typical gothic fashion, it turns out that the house has a dark history, including a sordid love affair between the former governess, and a mysterious, mean-spirited valet, both of whom died under bizarre circumstances before Deborah’s arrival. Deborah soon suspects that the couple have returned from the grave to haunt the mansion and exert some sort of powerful, evil spell over the children. It’s never entirely clear whether the mansion is literally haunted, or if the children are simply playing a harmless game, or if they’re really under some sort of evil spell, or if they’re actually the ones somehow behind all the mansion’s strange occurrences, or if Deborah is simply imagining the whole thing out of loneliness and frustration. It’s hard to tell if we’re supposed to be afraid of Miles and Flora, or afraid for them. It’s equally hard to tell if Deborah is sympathetic in her role as caretaker and guardian, or if she’s so repressed and anxious that she’s projecting her insecurities onto the children. It’s a disconcerting depiction of just how ambiguous the relationship between child and adult can sometimes be. The Innocents builds a pervasive sense of dread and unease through such old-fashioned film techniques as atmospheric cinematography, carefully designed minimalist lighting, and the uncanny performances by child actors Pamela Franklin (who would grow up to star in The Legend of Hell House and The Food of the Gods) and Martin Stephens. Together, they manage to depict childhood as something both charming and also eerily unsettling.

No related posts.

#10

the happening

i’ve almost always liked m. night shamalamadingdong. like most people, i was blown away by the sixth sense. i kinda dug unbreakable. i really liked signs and the village. ok, lady in the water left me scratching my head, but it wasn’t unwatchable. i knew m. night was a little pretentious (e.g., he just made up his middle name in college), but i didn’t think he was capable of truly horrible film making — that was, until i saw the happening. while the ruins may have proved that (spoiler warning) killer vegetation isn’t as silly a concept as you might think — the happening goes the opposite route and proves it’s even goofier than anyone thought possible. the film can’t even be saved by the almost always entertaining mark wahlberg (who turns in his absolute worst performance to date, which crescendos during a conversation he has with a plastic tree) or the always cute zooey deschanel (who, despite her pleasant appearance, somehow manages to be annoying in every frame of screen time she’s given). the only thing this movie had going for it was the mystery of what was causing the so-called ‘happening’… which they reveal 15 minutes into the film. i hate to say it, but in every respect, m. night whizzed this one right down the leg of his stylish trousers.

#9

trapped ashes

trapped ashes is one of those horror anthologies like creepshow and tales from the darkside. i’m a sucker for that kind of thing, so i was really looking forward to trapped ashes. how can you go wrong with four horror stories plus a wrap-around story? just by chance, a few of the stories would have to be decent, right? add in the amazing pedigree of at least three of the directors (joe dante, the howling, ken russell, lair of the white worm, sean cunningham, friday the 13th), and how could this suck? well, it does — and big. joe dante’s wrap-around story about people trapped in a house who decide to tell their scariest life experiences to the others in an attempt to convince the supposed madman who locked them in to let them out makes no sense and isn’t scary, interesting or remotely probable. sean cunningham’s half anime, half live action film about a woman trapped in a painting getting raped by a demon isn’t nearly as interesting as i just made it sound. ken russell’s film about vampiric breasts is, at least, novel. it plays out much like i imagine a porno directed by a 13-year-old david cronenberg would — amateurish but disturbing. the third story feels completely out of place as it’s basically an overly wordy and boring film noir piece about a love triangle with a slight supernatural twist. another story involves a parasitic worm and a baby, but apart from a cool ‘womb-cam’ effect, is rather ridiculous. the underlying thread connecting all these tales isn’t so much the horrible wrap-around story as it is one central theme — women are scary. i’ll give credit to ken russell for creating visuals that can actually circumvent the male part of the brain that says ‘breasts = awesome’ and making them, at least momentarily, seem unattractive — but that small achievement is not nearly enough to salvage this celluloid trainwreck.

#8

the eye

expectation plays a large part in putting these top ten lists together. while technically zombies, zombies, zombies may be a worse film than most on this list, i knew it was going to suck when i turned it on. somehow that makes a difference. the badness of a film is actually more offensive when it has no excuse for being bad… i’m more forgiving of low-budget films made my amateur filmmakers than i am of big-budget flops made by people who should know better. such is the case with the remake of the eye. the original film was quite creepy and entertaining, so i was hoping this would be another the grudge — a quality remake of a foreign film that meets, if not surpasses, the original. what i got was a sloppy mess of derivative nonsense that tries to coast by on how pretty its lead is and ignores the basic building blocks of a good film — things like script, acting, pacing and suspense. if you want to watch jessica alba, please go watch the fantastic four films again… if you want to see a movie about a blind girl seeing ghosts, go rent the original film, gin gwai.

#7

day of the dead

i was one of the first people to say that remaking dawn of the dead was sacrilege… and, after seeing it, i was one of the first to admit that i was completely and utterly wrong. so i was a little gun shy to jump on the “wtf!?!” band wagon when i heard they were remaking day of the dead. mena suvari’s in it? ok. ving rhames? even better. steve miner is directing it? you mean friday the 13th part 2 steve miner? well, maybe this won’t be that bad after all. as it turns out, the band wagon is a popular thing to jump on because it’s often filled with people who are right. this film is just bad, bad, bad. steve miner must have thought that if fast zombies were scarier than slow zombies (e.g., 28 days later) then fast zombies bouncing off walls like flying squirrels must be absolutely terrifying. that’s only the first of many bad ideas in this film. others include having people changing from slightly wounded to completely decayed zombies in a matter of seconds and (this is a big one)… using almost none of the story from the film it was remaking. apart from a few character names and the fact that there are, in fact, a few zombies around — this has nothing in common with my favorite of romero’s zombie apocalypse films. the ridiculous dvd cover of a zombie vomiting up banana pudding mixed with ears and giant eyeballs (or, i suppose, sucking in this mixture as opposed to expelling it) only adds insult to injury.

#6

anaconda 3

giant snakes + ‘the hoff’ sounds like b-movie heaven. unfortunately, the reality doesn’t live up to the concept. hasselhoff and john rhys-davies (who must have one hell of a coke habit to continue needing to show up in crap like this) make no attempt to mask their disinterest in this film as they stumble through each awkward scene. in a movie like this though, the snakes are the real stars… so its really a shame that the snakes in this film are likely the least convincing ever seen. holding this up to the camera real close and wiggling it around would have been far more convincing. i had to pause the film a few minutes from the end to get a soda and literally could not bring myself to hit ‘play’ and watch any more of it. if that nullifies my review, so be it… but i’m willing to bet that watching any more could only have moved anaconda 3 closer to the top of this list, not made me dislike it less.

#5

pathology

as we trudge our way further up this list, we’re moving from films that i merely found dull and disappointing into films that i truly hate. and i really, really hate pathology. i didn’t expect to going into it because i’m usually a big fan of medical thrillers. the blame for my hatred falls entirely on the script. not only are all the characters despicable people who are impossible to sympathize with (even when the filmmaker wants you to), but they’re stupid as well. for me, though, the biggest problem is character motivation — there is none. why does our hero, a medical student, decide to partake in a game where you murder someone and other medical students attempt to figure out how you did it? i have no idea. and typically ‘murdering strangers’ is the kind of thing characters need a reason to be doing. i hated every character in this movie and i hated the filmmakers for thinking i would identify with and feel sympathy for characters that, until the heroic music kicked in, were criminal sociopaths. I’m as big a fan of the anti-hero as anyone, but characters like Hannibal Lector or Dexter are attractive in spite of their ghoulish acts because of their charm and intelligence, not simply because they’re the star of the show. despite an interesting concept and decent direction and acting, pathology rubbed me the wrong way. like meeting someone at a party who mistakenly thinks your girlfriend is single and hits on her, i feel incapable of any forgiveness towards this film and instead am just going to stare at it angrily from across the room.

#4

dark floors

dark floors is billed as “the lordi movie.” i didn’t realize this until i put the dvd in, but i don’t think it would matter if i’d known it earlier, because i had no idea what a “lordi” was. as it turns out, ‘lordi‘ is a european heavy metal band. i’m no expert on that genre, but from what i can gather, ‘lordi’ appears to be like a ‘gwar’ for people who don’t find ‘gwar’ silly enough. all of the band members dress in costumes that look like they were ordered out of the back of fangoria magazine in 1989 and play music that sounds like what you’d hear if you were strapped to the underbelly of an exploding train loaded with grizzly bears and kettle drums. in any case, dark floors is not about the band ‘lordi;’ each member of the band plays a monster within the film. the story revolves around a little girl with crayons and a group of people trapped in some alternate universe version of a hospital. about twenty minutes into the film you may realize this all seems very familiar — that would be because this is the first film i’ve ever seen to follow the exact structure of a survival horror game. the alternate universe thing is stolen straight from silent hill, but more than that the story structure is the same. the characters move across one floor of the hospital, fight and/or run away from one of the ‘lordi’ monsters (i.e., “boss battle”), and then start fresh on the next floor. this continues ad nauseum until they reach the parking garage, where they run into the lead singer (i.e., final boss) and somehow defeat him because they’re good people or have the power of love on their side or something. the film is somewhat stylish, but feels like an overly long music video… which, i suppose is what it is. after watching the ‘making of’ i realized that not only did i hate “the lordi movie”… but i hated ‘lordi’ as well. even through the swedish i could tell that the front man, the oh-so-cleverly named “mr. lordi,” is a complete and utter douche bag of epic proportions. my opinion of the film is pretty much the same, although i don’t think you can technically call a film a douche bag — but if you could, that’s exactly how i would describe dark floors.

#3

trackman

the second of the ghost house underground films to make my list, this is a russian slasher film that has little to offer the genre. after a heist, a group of thieves and their hostages head into the abandoned railway tunnels to escape. unfortunately, a pickaxe wielding madman with a habit of removing people’s peepers already calls that place home. the premise sounds interesting enough, but even with only a mere 80 minute running time, the film can’t seem to find anything interesting to show you. most of the time is spent with the thieves arguing amongst themselves and deciding who gets to carry a gun. which brings up another point… these people have several guns amongst them, yet they never once attempt to shoot the very slow moving guy with the pickaxe who keeps picking them off. tack on an ending that feels like it’s a big revelation, but which reveals nothing (a la saw 5) and you’re left with one big slippery mother of a film turd. in russian.

#2

shutter

calling shutter a movie is a disservice to every filmmaker out there attempting, whether brilliantly or poorly, to do something approximating art. this is a shameless remake of a j-horror film that exists, not because someone enjoyed the original and wanted to put their own spin on it, but because someone somewhere thought they might be able to make a dollar off it. i understand money drives the production of all hollywood films, but in this case it’s obvious that everyone who showed up on set had only one thing on their mind — their paycheck. the director himself admits as much in the commentary when he states that he doesn’t like horror films. well, that’s just terrific. following that logic i imagine the set was catered by an anorexic who hates food, the costume design was done by a nudist, and the actors were all cast from those aboriginal tribes that think having your picture taken steals your soul. it should be no surprise that shutter is not remotely scary or compelling in any way because it takes more than just throwing a dark-haired asian ghost girl into your film to make it frightening — it actually takes a bit of talent and a lot of work.

#1

april fool’s day

april fool’s day (2008) is so bad, i almost didn’t include it on this list simply because i didn’t want to have to think about it again. at least from those i’ve seen, this is the worst of the worst when it comes to the recent trend of horror remakes. shallow, boring, predictable and pointless — i stand by my original review.

this sucky movie is full of suck.

next week is friday the 13th week! i’m so giddy with little-school-girl-esque excitement over the release of the modern re-envisioning of everyone’s favorite hockey-masked killer that i’ve got several jason voorhees themed posts planned for next week leading up to the film’s friday opening. so keep checking back…

Related posts:

1. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
2. Corey’s Best of 2008
3. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
4. April Fool’s Day (2008)
5. Corey on The Burning

one of the better horror blogs out there seems to be based on this simple idea. while covering many aspects of horror, kindertrauma seems primarily aimed at covering those aspects of film and television that scared you as a child. whether intentionally frightening (like sleestaks) or not (like slim goodbody), kindertrauma covers everything that made you into the horror fan you are.

with that idea in mind, i thought i’d list some of my own childhood experiences that contributed to my current love of the horror genre. (note: animated gifs may take a moment to load.)

halloween: closet scene

halloween scared the ever-living shit out of me. i was so scared that night, i couldn’t eat, sleep or walk straight. watching the film now for the umpteenth, it’s sometimes hard to appreciate the effect the film can have on its initial viewing. when i was seven, every second of that film was terrifying. even the seemingly benign scenes like the girls chatting after class held a since of dread, since you never knew when that haunting bit of music would start up, alerting you to the shape’s presence.

after laurie first “killed” michael, i was so relieved. i didn’t think i could take much more of michael leaping out of the shadows, and a sense of calm washed over me. little did i know that the single scariest moment in my movie-watching life was about to take place… i hid behind the sofa when michael appeared at the top of the stairs, not as dead as i’d hoped, and laurie ran for the bedroom. she leaves a window open and locks herself in the closet. michael’s no dummy though and doesn’t fall for her clever ruse, and begins pulling on the closet door handles. i wish i had a video tape of myself watching this scene for the first time… as best i can recall, i was crouched behind the sofa, peeking over the edge… all the while sort of bouncing up and down and yelling “oh my god! oh my god!” as michael crashed through the closet door, knocking the single light bulb swinging, i’m certain i screamed.

the sense of excitement and fear this film left me with in the hours, nights and years that followed is why halloween is still my favorite film and, at least partly, why i am a horror fan today.

bloody mary

whoever came up with this urban legend is a genius. this legend is so scary that you don’t even need to know the back story for it to work. when i was a kid i think there was some vague story about a woman named mary having her baby killed or something… it doesn’t matter. the only important part is that you’re supposed to go into a dark room alone with just a candle and say ‘bloody mary’ three times into a mirror which makes mary appear. i remember doing this with friends when i was seven or eight in our center bathroom (which had no windows) and being absolutely convinced that if i said it all three times, a woman covered in blood would be behind the shower curtain in the mirror’s reflection. i could only say her name twice before running out yelling.

the headless roommate

i recall reading daniel cohen’s “the headless roommate and other tales of terror” alone in bed, late one night while at the beach. i’d checked out the book from the school library, so it was a hardcover with no slip cover, leaving the book just a plain red with small white lettering… which somehow made it creepier. the book is basically just a collection of urban legends, many of which you’d already be familiar with (e.g., “the vanishing hitchhiker”). the story that stuck with me the most, however, is usually referred to as “the furry collar.” the gist of the story can be read here, but cohen’s version is much longer, better paced, and scarier. i remember that the room i was in while reading it was at the top of a long flight of stairs, just like in the story. what little sleep i got that night, i got with the lights on.

scary stories to tell in the dark

if you’re reading this site, then i’d bet good money you’re familiar with these books. and i doubt i need to remind you of the scariest part of these books… it wasn’t the stories (which were typically rather lame… e.g., “i’m the viper: i’m here to vipe the vindows”) — it was the pictures. the artist for these books somehow tapped directly into what nightmares look like and put it on paper. even twenty years later i could recall the four pictures that scared me the most… and it didn’t take me long to find them.

• giant skull monster
• eyeless girl
• winking corpse
• the thing

witchboard

while not a particularly scary movie, witchboard caught me at just the right time. i was spending the night alone for one of the first times and it was on hbo at midnight. i don’t recall exactly what in the movie hit me so hard, but i remember being utterly freaked out all night afterwards. i ran around the house, double-checking all the locks on the doors and windows and would jump at every floorboard creak. i watched the movie again recently, and i honestly can’t figure out how i could be so scared of a movie about a plank of wood that features a bubble-gum chewing, uber-1980s dressed psychic named zarabeth.

friday the 13th: the novel

this is a weird one for three reasons. for one, the film friday the 13th hadn’t scared me. two, while reading the book it was daylight at a friend’s birthday party. and three, the book isn’t particularly well written. regardless, somehow reading about the doomed counselors at crystal lake was somehow so much more frightening than watching. i distinctly remember annie’s (the cook) death scene, and its description from her point of view as the blood ran out her throat and everything faded to white. i was rattled for a while after reading that chapter… at least until my friend’s dad put rambo on the tv.

clowns

i don’t really understand why the circus keeps going with the whole ‘clown’ thing, since i don’t know anyone that likes them. clowns are scary, case closed. i don’t recall the moment i realized clowns were bad news, but i remember a couple contributing factors.

• my mom hated circuses. she was unnaturally terrified of popping balloons and avoided the circus when i was a kid… which clearly conveyed to me that something there was to be feared.
• octopussy. psycho, knife-wielding twin clowns open the film. ’nuff said.
• clive barker’s “dread.” one of my favorite barker short stories, it features a psychologist obsessed with the study of fear and an axe-wielding clown.
• it. tim curry. awesome.

jaws

jaws, being the sneaky little devil that it is, wasn’t content to just scare me once. like everyone else in the world, the film made me afraid of the ocean for… well, ever. the scene where the shark first surfaces in front of brody knocked me down into the seat cushions. however, it was years later that i read the book and was traumatized all over again. in particular, i remember the opening scene with the skinny-dipping girl. the book describes her feeling a slight tug from below, which she wasn’t very concerned about. she reaches down to see what it was, and feels the cleanly sliced stump where her foot should have been. that concept, of being in the black water and being cut so cleanly and quickly that you don’t even realize it, freaked me out so completely that i think of it every time i go near the beach to this day.

a lamb on elm st.

i don’t know why, but the scariest moment for me in a nightmare on elm street was during the opening credits when a lamb wanders by. while it may not sound like nightmare fuel, for some reason it got me. it’s so weirdly out of place and surreal, it strengthens the dream-like quality of the scene… and for some reason that bleating lamb in midst of the steam pipes and krueger’s laughing left me really disturbed. if tina’s immediate reaction to the shot of the lamb is any indication, this effect was intentional.

halloween: michael sits up

ending up where we began, halloween deserves another mention on this list. while michael crashing through the closet was the scariest moment in the film for me, the creepiest moment happens a few minutes later. michael is dead… again. unfamiliar with horror clichés at the time, i completely believed the killer was finally dead. then occurs the creepiest moment in film history… from over laurie’s shoulder, michael sits up and turns towards her. the action is so mechanical and unemotional, watching it still tingles my spine and heebies my jeebies to this day.

Related posts:

1. Films That Defined My Childhood
2. The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids
3. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
4. Biggest WTF? Sequels in Slasher Film History
5. Beauty Product Horrors

i watched the american remake of one missed call this week, and i’m a little scared to share my feelings on it. from the get-go, this film had the cards stacked against it. the cast is largely unremarkable and the director has done nothing you’re likely to have seen. more importantly, one missed call is yet another j-horror american remake… and frankly, even people who loved the ring and the grudge (like me) are getting a little sick of these things. furthermore, the original version of one missed call was directed by takishi miike, which sets some pretty high expectations for anyone trying to redo it. perhaps most tellingly, this remake was rushed through production and quickly dumped rather unceremoniously into theaters which shows that the studio had little faith in it.

add all of that together and you’re almost guaranteed to get a box office flop that’s largely ignored by audiences and universally panned by critics. and that’s exactly what happened. with a truly stunning 0% rottentomatoes rating, it seems that all the signs were correct and this is one crappy movie. to put that rottentomatoes score into perspective… both fear dot com and uwe boll’s the house of the dead managed a respectable 4% rating, while my personal favorite for worst film of all time, alone in the dark (also from boll), scored 1%.

that means that, at least from a critical point of view, one missed call is somewhere between four and infinite times worse than fear dot com… wow.

which brings me to the point where i’m a bit ashamed to share my personal opinion on this film. at the risk of losing the respect of horror fans everywhere, i have to stay… i kind of liked it. it’s not that i disagree with any of the chief complaints i’ve seen raised against the film. the acting is mediocre at best, the plot is illogical and often self-contradictory and the writing takes what was an amazingly clear storyline in the original film (particularly for a j-horror piece) and makes such a muddled mess of it that the big twist at the end is basically incomprehensible unless you’ve seen the source material. for example, it’s clearly established throughout the film that the ghost can only kill those that it calls and leaves ominous cell phone messages for… then what are we to make of a scene where the ghost kills a cat? did fluffy have his own cell phone? that and several other scenes serve no purpose other than to create cheap scares, often at the expense of the narrative. which brings me back to why i liked it…

structurally, the film may be a mess and i’m a little irritated that portions of the original that i really liked (in particular, the ring tone and the ending) are handled so poorly… but i have to say that the movie is entertaining. the whole piece has a very creepy mood that i quite enjoyed and most of the scares really worked for me. i’ve always enjoyed those scares where a character is looking at a backdrop of normalcy and then sees one little thing is really off (like a passerby has a demonic, distorted face) and no else notices it (e.g., jacob’s ladder or the eight or ten seconds of the exorcism of emily rose worth watching — see super-creepy animated gif here). this film is filled with moments like that, and almost every one of them got me. i’ve learned that different things scare different people and it’s a little unfair to call a horror film bad just because it didn’t scare you — some people don’t understand what the big deal is about a dark-haired girl with bad posture, but for other people the ring made them spend the night hiding in the dryer. one missed call is not a good film… but i found it atmospheric and creepy enough that i thoroughly enjoyed watching it. i would recommend it to fans of the original series, people with a moderate-to-high tolerance for j-horror nonsense or those that just don’t feel like thinking too hard for an hour and a half.

Related posts:

1. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
2. Corey’s Worst of 2008
3. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
4. Corey’s Best of 2008
5. The Cook (2008)