Marion Crane, in Psycho (1960)

Hitchcock’s masterpiece has been thoroughly analyzed, reviewed, and critiqued for half a century now, but it’s still as subversive as ever. This is due in part to Hitchcock having the film’s leading lady and most recognizable star murdered halfway into the story, and after he’s made sure that we feel the appropriate amount of concern and sympathy for her plight. She’s a woman on the run, and she’s done some morally questionable things, but we want her to make it to California, put the past behind her, and start a new life. Of course, all of that becomes irrelevant after she meets Norman Bates, and her death signals a major shift, as the story now belongs to this creepy mama’s boy.

Corporal Cynthia Dietrich, in Aliens (1986)

Dietrich doesn’t command a lot of attention amongst her more demonstrative marines. Hudson is the team’s loud-mouth clown, Vasquez is their sharp-tongued badass, and Dietrich is the quiet but confident medic. After she examines Newt and declares her perfectly healthy, she ironically becomes the first victim of the aliens. The fact that the team’s medic is the very first to go is a clear sign of things to come. Soon after, they lose their commander and their pilot and are left to fend for themselves with no expectations of help or reprieve.

Jack Goodman, in An American Werewolf in London (1981)

One of the many things I love about An American Werewolf in London is the fact that it works on so many different levels. It’s a romance, a comedy, a monster movie, and a buddy film, even if one of the buddies happens to be dead and decaying at an alarming rate. Jack dies early in the story, but he is nevertheless the film’s moral conscience and its chief source of humor. His ghostly and increasingly grotesque presence reminds David not only of the tragic loss of his best friend, but of David’s own dwindling humanity.

Tina, in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The original Nightmare is, at its core, about vengeance . It’s about concerned parents taking the law into their own hands, the victim of vigilante justice having his revenge, and all sorts of past and present sins coming to light. Freddy is a pedophilic, murderous ghost, but he’s also, in some ways, a puritanical scourge who calls attention to Elm Street’s dirty little secrets and dark underbelly. It’s therefore not surprising that the sexually promiscuous Tina and her trouble-making, thug of a boyfriend are his first victims.

Judith Myers, in Halloween (1978)

The fact that Carpenter’s famous opening scene to this film is one continuous shot, that it’s from the point-of-view of the killer, and that the camera seems to probe and zoom with disembodied ease and penetration all speak to its lurid brilliance. And then there’s the way young Michael so inexplicably murders his sister. It’s a clear sign that the ordinary rules that govern character and plot have just been abandoned for something far more sinister and horrifying.

Unnamed Worker in Jurassic Park (1993)

It’s a sad, but well known fact that in the horror genre, the black guy rarely makes it to the end of the film. Visionary director Stephen Spielberg bucked this tradition in Jurassic Park by not letting the black guy make it out of the first four minutes of the film, as he’s almost immediately sucked into a metal crate by a velociraptor. Still, it’s an effective moment in the film because it’s a clear indication that those dinosaurs just aren’t going to make practical pets for rich, bourgeois tourists.

Related posts:

1. Victims of Jason
2. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
3. A Secret History of American Cinema
4. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part Two
5. Elm Street Remake Trailer

from my own childhood, the item i remember most that seemed to serve no other purpose than to gross out those around you was ‘garbage pail kids’ collectible cards. designed as sort of an “eff you” to both the baseball cards our fathers once collected and, obviously, the ‘cabbage patch kid’ mania sweeping the nation in the mid 1980s, these cards were the must-have item when i was eleven. each card featured a cartoon image of a child experiencing some sort of trauma, torture, fatal injury or performing some similarly heinous act themselves. under that picture would be the child’s name, which was usually some sort of bad pun, rhyme or alliteration. a good example of this is ‘blown joan.’

there were usually two variations of each card, each with the same image but a different name (e.g. ‘blown joan’ is also known as ‘curly shirley’). the cards pretty much grossed out anyone who saw them (including the kids who bought them). which was, of course, awesome. how they were able to release images of children either in the process of dying or already dead is beyond me, but the cards were very popular through the late 1980s and early 1990s, and have actually seen a resurgence as new cards and retro releases of the originals have been produced in the last few years. i found several sites that catalog all the cards, so this weekend i spent quite a while looking through every single garbage pail kids card ever released, pulling out those that either directly reference horror films or are based heavily on horror themes. below is the fruit of that labor, so take a stroll with me down horror-nostalgia-gross-out lane…

not many of the cards directly references slasher films, but two notable exceptions are ‘slasher asher’ (aka ‘claude flesh’) and ‘hollow wayne’ (aka ‘jacqueline lantern’).

when i was a kid, having a ‘garbage pail kids’ card with your name was the ultimate in coolness (which is probably why they released at least two names for every card). unfortunately there was never a ‘corey’ card as i was growing up (the closest thing was ‘cory on the cob’), but in the new cards there are two! now if only i was eleven again, these would both go front-and-center on my trapper keeper.

if you want to look at more cards or search for your own name, the three sites below will allow you to do both of those things.

• Barren AARON’s GPK World
• Wayne’s Garbage Pail Kids Reference
• GPK Central

Related posts:

1. Childhood Horrors
2. Horror Community Highlights – March 25, 2011
3. Films That Defined My Childhood
4. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
5. The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

every once in a while a director or producer gets control of a franchise and decides to shake things up by trying something drastically original. this rarely ends well. below are my personal picks for the biggest “wtf?” slasher sequels that left fans scratching their heads and bewildered when walking to their cars from the theater. normally when i make these lists, the order is irrelevant — but here i’ve actually ranked them from the smallest wtf? to the biggest wtf?, based on how loud i yelled the phrase once the credits rolled.

#5 – WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE

this actually isn’t that bad of an entry in the NIGHTMARE series, but boy is it odd. more meta than meta, this film turns the camera around, blurring the line between fiction and reality by taking place in world where a guy named wes craven wrote and directed the original A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. the film follows the original cast/crew of the first film, as the world’s knowledge and fear of freddy krueger is actually bringing his fictional character into our world, and he’s targeting his creators. for the most part, the idea of a demon stalking people in their dreams remains intact, so this film elicited a rather meager “wtf?” from me at its conclusion, but those who went in without much knowledge of ELM STREET‘s imdb page and were expecting a more traditional freddy krueger film were probably far more perplexed.

#4 – THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE has its moments of dark comedy, but most audiences missed them due to being in shock from the overwhelming terror they had experienced from the film’s other 82.5 minutes. it also featured a surprising restraint in the gore department, showing very little on-screen violence and almost no blood — which didn’t lessen the impact of the film in the slightest (and may have actually heightened it). its sequel, released 12 years later, confused audiences by pretty much reversing everything i just said about the original. while the basic idea of a family killing and eating people remains intact, very little of the horror does. TEXAS CHAINSAW 2 is, in many ways, more of an action/adventure film than horror, with copious amounts of dark humor and political allegory thrown in for good measure. it also features some of the most over-the-top gore ever recorded on film, thanks to the work of tom savini. like most, i now love TEXAS CHAINSAW 2 as much as the original, but it took many years for that appreciation to grow because of the huge divide in tone and intent of the two films.

#3 – JASON GOES TO HELL

regardless of what you call it (JASON GOES TO HELL, FRIDAY THE 13th PART 9, THE FINAL FRIDAY, etc.), this film kinda sucks. it has its moments (e.g., creighton duke describing what he thinks of when he hears the name “jason voorhees” and the tent kill), but largely this is just a big ‘ol turd. the primary reason for this is that when you go to see a FRIDAY THE 13th film, you’re expecting to see jason. particularly when the effing title of the film starts with his name. instead, what we received was a jason-as-the-bread sandwich, with 3 minutes of jason at the beginning, another 3 minutes at the end, filled in the middle with 85 minutes of a body-hopping demon slug. i understand cunningham wanted to take the series in a new direction, but he really needed to choose a different one. because there is nothing down the road in that particular direction other than tears, pain and disappointment.

#2 – FRIDAY THE 13th PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING

perhaps the impact of the ninth FRIDAY THE 13th sequel was lessened because the series had already faced an even bigger “wtf?” moment years earlier with part five. to be fair, the subtitle does tell you right there, straight up, we’re beginning something kinda new here. what it doesn’t mention is that “something kinda new” equates to “something kinda shitty.” just look at the poster. it’s just words, and the biggest word of all on it is “JASON.” a reasonable person might think that implies that jason is featured prominently in the film… well, that reasonable person isn’t really as reasonable as you thought because they would be wrong. instead of the big triumphant return of jason voorhees, the big climax is the reveal that the killer is some guy named roy. roy, an extra who appeared in the film 80 minutes ago, who you probably don’t even remember and whose motivation doesn’t really make much sense. yeah, it was stupid in 1985 and it’s stupid now and, in all likelihood, it will be stupid for an indefinite time into the future. the producers got it right with the next sequel, by informing audiences right away in the title that “jason lives.” because i doubt they would have lined up around the block for FRIDAY THE 13th PART 6: ROY RETURNS.

#1 – HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH

now we’re to the big kahuna, the largest “wtf?” slasher film of them all. this one really bucks tradition because while the other four can at least be categorized roughly as “slasher films,” HALLOWEEN 3 cannot. it has something to do with robots and stonehenge and tom atkins screaming a lot (which is always fun to watch), but it has absolutely nothing to do with a guy in a white mask stabbing people. which, as i recall, was a pretty big part of HALLOWEEN and HALLOWEEN 2. this film has a cult following and actually isn’t that bad — but it should have been titled STONEHENGE DEATH BOTS or something, NOT HALLOWEEN 3. likely due to its financial performance, the studio learned its lesson and eventually released HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS, which is roughly the same thing as titling it HALLOWEEN 4: SORRY ABOUT THAT LAST CRAP-FEST, HERE’S WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR. if you couldn’t read or were so traumatized by part three that you’d forgotten his name, they also put michael’s head on the poster so there’d be no ambiguity. it filled about 120% of the frame.

Related posts:

1. Is HATCHET a Slasher Film?
2. Harper’s Island – The first slasher film television series?
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
4. The Faces of Jason Voorhees: A Visual History Part I
5. Friday the 13th (2009)

It’s Halloween, ya’ll! To celebrate, why not take a look at these awesome horror-themed music videos? Also, The Walking Dead premieres on AMC tonight. All indications are that it buries the needle on the awesome scale, so go watch it.

The Duke Spirit – “Take a Look Around”
This is one of the coolest videos I’ve ever seen. The song is awesome, the animation is stylish, and it has a drunken, dancing devil in it. What’s not to like?

The Misfits – “Dig up Her Bones”
This video is proof that the Misfts were just fine, if not even better, without Danzig. And the video has a cameo appearance by James Whale’s Frankenstein.

The Cramps – “I Was a Teenage Werewolf”
Before Michael Landon got his Jesus on in Highway to Heaven, he was a teenage werewolf. And The Cramps pay him appropriate tribute.

Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah! – “Satan Said Dance”
‘Nuff Said.

The Horrors – “Sheena Is a Parasite”
This video really creeps me out. But it’s kinda awesome.

The Ramones – “Pet Sematary.”
The only thing that could possibly make the Ramones any cooler would be if they sang about rising from their graves as the undead in a music video. And they did just that.

Related posts:

1. Lux Interior 1946 – 2009
2. Pop Music and Horror Films – Part Two
3. Pop Music and Horror Films – Part One
4. Happy Halloween
5. Jon’s Top Ten Halloween Album Countdown

file this under “news of the freakin’ awesome”: some guy far cooler than you or i decided to custom build the myers’ house from HALLOWEEN as his starter home. better yet (if you’re me, anyway), it’s located in hillsborough, nc, which is two hours from my home town and just a few miles from where i went to college.

rebuilding that house and living in it is such a great idea, i can’t believe i never thought of it — but luckily kenny caperton, emily currier and their two cats did. while it’s not an exact replica (a few walls have been moved, it features more modern appliances and better interior decorating), the exterior is damn near exactly what you see in the film, and the interior retains the most significant areas from the film (judith’s room, the staircase, the kitchen, etc.).

you can learn more about the house at myershousenc.com, and you can find kenny on twitter at @myershousenc. he seems open to guests stopping by (but prefers you let him know in advance), and frequently hosts horror-themed events at the house. the biggest of these events is, of course, on october 31st. see the website for details on this year’s halloween bash.

i don’t know if i’ll be able to make it to the halloween get-together this year… but i know i’ll be seeing if it’s ok to drop by the house the next time i’m driving home to nc. if so, i’ll be sure to post lots of pictures and maybe an interview with kenny, who i hereby crown the king of enviable real estate.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
2. Wii Horrors – House of the Dead: Overkill and Madworld
3. House of the Dead: Overkill

Mr. Diehl, from The Children of the Corn

Aside from running the world’s worst gas station, Mr. Diehl’s purpose in this film is to warn Burt and Vicki to stay the hell away from Gatlin in the most cranky way possible. And the fact that he has no gas at his gas station, or telephone, and won’t let them use his restroom, is a clear signal that Burt and Vicki will be on their own for the rest of the film. As the last surviving adult in the area, his death symbolizes the end of any morality or normalcy that once governed the children. His death, in other words, means that the already freaky children of Gatlin are about to get a lot freakier.

Memorable quote: “Well, folks in Gatlin’s got a religion. They don’t like outsiders, and they probably don’t have a phone there either.”

Old Man Cadwell, from Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever is a strange but enjoyable mash-up of about every genre of horror and exploitation film you could think of. It feels like a slasher film (even though it’s not) in part because of the presence of Old Man Cadwell and his cohort of locals who harangue the kids partying in their woods. Cadwell is actually rather likable with his strange elfish voice, Santa Claus beard, and hillbilly-style hospitality. Still, his friendly nature is probably a thin veil for something more sinister, and it gives the film an appropriate sense of tension early on. After all, he appears to be a racist, he’s selling guns in his general store, and he seems a little detached from reality. Plus, he and his cohorts look like they know they’re way around a lynching. His main purpose in the film, however, is to provide it with a subversive sense of humor. I won’t spoil the punch line here, but the entire film is sandwiched between a bizarre joke that challenges his redneck stereotype. He is also kind enough to warn the kids about the perils of spilling the bottles of fox urine for sell in his store.

Memorable quote: “Oh Lord, don’t drop that! If you do, that’s powerful stuff! All the foxes around would come down here. You’d have friends like you’d never had before.”

Sylvia Ganush, from Drag Me to Hell

Typically, the crazy old kook in a horror film tries to warn those who refuse to listen or take their warning seriously. Other times, they provide the film with a sense of local color or sinister atmosphere. Sylvia’s character is a deliberate subversion of all that. She’s reminiscent of the classic Gypsy in films such as Dracula or Wolf Man. In those films, a wise and powerful Gypsy offers guidance and protection to the film’s protagonist. In this film, Sylvia symbolizes old-world beliefs and values in a cynical modern world, and she’ll have her revenge against those who won’t respect her. In doing so, she proves that crazy old kooks can be just as deadly as any monster or masked slasher.

Memorable quote: “I beg and you shame me?”

Mrs. Bundy, from The Birds

My favorite Hitchcock film actually has two crazy old kooks. The first is the town drunk who performs the time-honored old kook role of being the herald of doom as he drunkenly proclaims that it’s “the end of the world” throughout the film. But the more important kook is Mrs. Bundy, an amateur ornithologist. I’ve always taken her androgynous appearance to be a symbolic contrast to the more glamorous and sexualized Melanie Daniels. But more than that, she is the voice of reason in world gone crazy, and reminds everyone who’ll listen that the local birds are not capable of conspiring in an organized attack against the town. Unfortunately for the town, but fortunately for film history, she’s wrong about all that.

Memorable quote: “I have never known birds of different species to flock together. The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn’t stand a chance! How could we possibly hope to fight them?”

Reverend Sayer from Halloween 4

If you were to combine Captain Ahab, Jerry Falwell, and Otis the town drunk, you’d have a pretty close approximation of Reverend Sayer. Like any self-respecting kook, Sayer takes his religion very seriously, and he’s determined to cleanse the world of a rather vaguely defined evil he’s been chasing for years. He was probably a competent minister at one point, especially given the fact that he provides Dr. Loomis with solace and a much-needed morale boost. But Sayer is also tormented by his own personal demons that all the whiskey in heaven or earth will never drown.

Memorable quote: “I’ve been huntin’ the bastard for 30 years, give or take. Come close a time or two. Too damn close! You can’t kill damnation, Mister. It don’t die like a man dies!”

Crazy Ralph, from Friday the 13th

Crazy Ralph is the cloth from which all other crazy old kooks are cut. He’s got all the classic attributes. He’s bonkers and claims that God has given him a special mission to warn everyone about Camp Crystal Lake and its “death curse.” He’s eccentric and rides around on an dilapidated blue bicycle. He’s as ornery as they come and seems to especially dislike teenagers. If you want to get all fancy about it, you could argue that he symbolizes the failures of a rational, adult world that can’t protect or connect with the youngsters in the film.

Memorable quote: “Doomed! You’re all doomed!

Related posts:

1. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part Two
2. Horror Community Highlights – August 14, 2009
3. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One
4. More Horror on Blu-ray
5. Horror Movie Plots That Could Have Been Defused By Someone Not Being a Douchbebag

Most Unintentionally Funny

One thing is for certain about this very odd movie – Crispin Glover throws himself into the title role with all the reckless, crazy-ass abandon he can muster. His version of a southern accent makes this one-liner downright hi-larious. It’s as if Jed Clampett or one of the characters from Hee Haw has suffered brain damage, developed a speech impediment, and gone crazy.

Half the dialogue of any given action film consists of lines like this (e.g., “come on!” or “let’s go!”), but this is another line that still cracks me up twenty years after hearing it for the first time. I think it’s because Arnold is so serious, so earnest in his delivery. He may not have intended it, but it’s pure comedic genius.

Winner:

“We’re not talking about any ordinary prisoner, Hoffman! We are talking about evil on two legs.”

– Dr. Loomis, from Halloween 4

It should be obvious that I love this quote. Loomis’ hysterical hyperbole always strikes my funny bone in ways I don’t think he intended.

Creepiest

Todd Browning’s 1932 classic is still one of the most unsettling films I’ve ever seen. He uses real sideshow freaks and spends the first half of the film making them seem entirely sympathetic and “normal.” And then he brilliantly undermines all of that in the bizarre ceremony scene in which the freaks accept the beautiful, and now horrified, Cleopatra into their secret community. Plus, the phrase is freaky enough to be used by the Ramones in “Pinhead,” and that’s good enough for me.

This quote is especially creepy given Norman’s particular relationship with his mother’s corpse, but any way you slice it, it’s just not something a normal fella ought to say, especially when he’s trying to impress a girl.

Winner:

“It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

– Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb, from The Silence of the Lambs

The way he uses “it” as a personal pronoun, and the way he says this in nearly perfect lines of iambic tetrameter make it clear that Bill may be crazy, but he’s the Shakespeare of creepy phrasing.

Cheesiest

Bela Lugosi is the gold standard of vampires. Lugosi plays the part with an interesting sense of decadence and dandyism, but this line always strikes me as particularly flamboyant. And if Lugosi’s delivery is cheesy, then Gary Oldman’s delivery of this line 60 years later with that weird accent of his is the mucho-nacho-cheesiest.

I’m pretty sure Mae West used this as a daring, sexy catchphrase in the 1940s. Why anyone would include this in a film half a century later is beyond me. It’s like saying “we’re not in Kansas anymore” (which was actually used in Avatar). People, seriously, stop it!

Winner:

“Welcome to prime time, bitch!”

– Freddy, from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3

The original line was supposed to be “You’re on TV now, girl,” so Englund’s improvisation is a definite improvement. Still, it’s a really goofy thing for anybody to say, especially for a killer who’s supposed to be adept at psychological terror.

Related posts:

1. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One
2. Welcome to Evil On Two Legs
3. The Crazy Old Kooks of Horror
4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted Part 2
5. The First Victims in Horror Cinema: A Tribute

“Darling. Light, of my life. I’m not gonna hurt ya. You didn’t let me finish my sentence. I said, I’m not gonna hurt ya. I’m just gonna bash your pants in.”

~ Jack Torrence, THE SHINING

“I have come here to chew pants and kick ass… and I’m all out of pants.”

~ Nada, THEY LIVE

“He doesn’t want us to cut through our chains. He wants us to cut through our
pants!”

~ Dr. Gordon, SAW

“We traced the call! It’s coming from inside the pants!”

~ Police officer, WHEN A STRANGER CALLS

“She might have fooled me, but she didn’t fool my pants.”

~ Norman Bates, PSYCHO

“A naked American man stole my pants.”

~ Little boy, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON

“We’re not talking about any ordinary prisoner! We are talking about pants on two legs.”

~ Dr. Loomis, HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS

Related posts:

1. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted
2. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: Near Dark Edition
3. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: The Exorcist Edition
4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: The Thing Edition
5. Household Items That Aren’t Really Dangerous (Unless They’re In a Horror Film)

“We’ll tear your pants apart!”

~ Pinhead, HELLRAISER

“I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s pants was purely and simply…
evil.”

~ Dr. Loomis, HALLOWEEN

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his pants with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

~ Dr. Hannibal Lecter, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

“The counselors weren’t paying any attention… They were making pants while
that young boy drowned. His name was Jason.”

~ Pamela Voorhees, FRIDAY THE 13th

“You bastards! Give me back my pants!”

~ Ash, EVIL DEAD II

“When there’s no more room in pants, the
dead will walk the Earth.”

~ Peter, DAWN OF THE DEAD

Related posts:

1. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted Part 2
2. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: Near Dark Edition
3. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: The Exorcist Edition
4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: The Thing Edition
5. The Final Word(s) in Horror

1. “Jeepers Creepers” from Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers?
Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those eyes?
Gosh all git-up, how’d you get so lit up?
Gosh all git up, how’d it get that size?

Undeniably, this is the jazziest song in my list. It’s been covered by everyone from Louis Armstrong to Ella Fitzgerald to Siouxsie and the Banshees. In the film Jeepers Creepers, Trish and Darry are warned by the mysterious psychic Jezelle that whenever they hear the song it means they’re in danger, and that it’s also the key to understanding the mysterious creature called the Creeper. I’m not sure that the song ever really helps in explaining the Creeper, as the only connection between the two seems to be the fact that he has a thing for stealing eyes. But that’s enough for me, as I would have been very disappointed if it turned out that you could dazzle the Creeper into submission with jazz hands.

2. “Hey You!” from The Mummy’s Curse (1944)

Hey, you
With the naughty eye
When you pass us by
We just have to cry
“Hey, you! Yoo-hoo!”

Deep in a Louisiana bayou, the mummy of Princess Ananka is resurrected in the form of beautiful woman when an excavation team exposes her to sunlight. “Cajun Joe,” the team’s foreman, takes her, for some inexplicable reason, to Tante Berthe’s Café where Tante Berthe herself sings the folk classic “Hey You.” The song sets the exotic, alluring mood for the film, and also heralds the imminent demise of both Tante and Cajun Joe. Ananka’s mummified hubby isn’t about to let his ancient bride be subjected to Cajun crooning. Why the mummy is in a Louisiana swamp to begin with is anybody’s guess, as its prequel, The Mummy’s Ghost, ended in Massachussetts. Lon Chaney, Jr. apparently hated this film, and it ended the Mummy franchise at Universal Studios for several decades. Still, I’ve always liked the Cajun vibe of this film.

3. “Your Eyes See But My Shadow” from Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Your eyes see but my shadow
My heart is overflowing
There so much you can learn to love
You’re not content knowing
Tenderly you could see my soul

The current stage version of Phantom gets all the glory, but Robert Englund put aside his striped sweater to play the part of Erik, the brilliant composer turned monster who makes a deal with the devil in exchange for the perfect song for his opera Don Juan Triumphant. Naturally, the deal goes south and his face melts off as soon as the song is complete. The song, called “Your Eyes See But My Shadow,” is lost for decades until an up and coming opera singer needs a break and rediscovers it. To be honest, this film is a pretty lousy version of Phantom, but the song is actually quite good. As is often the case with catchy diddies, anyone who hears it in the film is likely to die in a freak stage accident involving scaffolding and sandbags. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the song is good enough to justify having your face horribly disfigured, it’s undeniably the best part of the film.

4. Freddy’s Lullaby from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.

I don’t know why lullabies are so inherently scary. Perhaps it’s because they remind us of how strange and uncanny sleep really is–something children seem to know, even if adults learn to forget it. Most traditional lullabies have a surreal and even violent subtext that equates sleep with death, or suggest that mysterious things happen during the night when we’re asleep and vulnerable. Wes Craven taps into all of these fears in the original Nightmare, a film that scared me as a kid far worse than other films of that era. That was due in no small part to this creepy lullaby often sung by jump-roping children and always a portent of Freddy’s arrival.

5. “In Dreams” from Blue Velvet (1986)

A candy colored clown they call the Sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
“Go to sleep everything is all right.”

It’s amazing that this film can turn such a classic, if saccharine, song into something so utterly depraved. The sexually ambiguous Ben initially does a bizarre pantomime version of the song, but it’s Frank’s recitation of it to Jeffrey before savagely beating him that makes it so horrifying. He delivers the song’s lyrics, after dosing himself with a powerful hallucinogenic gas, with such emphasis and force that he seems to insist that there’s a hidden message in it, or that it might give Jeffrey the answers he’s looking for. None of this is true, but the fact that Frank thinks so makes him—and the song—all the more frightening.

6. “Nights in White Satin” from Halloween 2 (2009)

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I’d always missed with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore.

In his version of Halloween 2, Rob Zombie uses the classic Moody Blues song to symbolize Michael’s insanity and his powerful attachment to his dead mother. And it means a whole lot of hurt for anyone in the film who hears it. The song is very effective in setting an eerie tone for the film, and Zombie also uses it to establish the film’s use of white as symbol for oblivion. To that end, he also includes an archetypal white horse, which, as he explains at the beginning of the film, is a universal symbol for instinct, purity, rage, chaos and destruction. In much the same way, the television show Twin Peaks used a white horse to symbolize heroin addiction and the loss of reason. In Melville’s Moby Dick, the white whale symbolizes both god and death. None of this is even remotely relevant to John Carpenter’s Halloween or any of his original characters, and I don’t think Rob Zombie gives a rat’s ass. “Nights in White Satin” is still an awesome song though.

7. The cell phone ringtone from One Missed Call (2004)

Being a ringtone, this song has no lyrics at all, but it’s strangely haunting and the kind of tune that gets stuck in your head and you can’t remember where you heard it. The American remake chose inexplicably to use a different song than that used in Takishi Miike’s original, but the Japanese version of the song is far better in my opinion. It reminds me of a child’s music box that’s somehow playing underwater or after it’s been badly damaged. As far as I know, the song is unique to the film, and is not a traditional lullaby. In the world of One Missed Call, hearing this ringtone on your cell phone signals your imminent death, similar to the phone call from The Ring but without the prerequisite of having watched a pretentious art school project on VHS. Here’s a little fact that I didn’t know until writing this post: Corey has this ringtone assigned to my incoming calls on his iPhone.

Related posts:

1. Songs That Should Be Horror Films
2. Pop Music and Horror Films – Part Two

the best horror films of 2009

#8

martyrs

martyrs is an incredibly brave and shocking film. the plot drastically shifts gears halfway into the film and while many (myself included) prefer the trajectory of the first half, the direction it ends up heading is undeniably thought-provoking. more evidence that there are some really f’d up filmmakers in france.

#7

my bloody valentine 3d

one of the few remakes to surpass the film it’s based on, my bloody valentine 3d is a fun, exciting slasher with its tongue firmly planted in its cheek. best viewed in three dimensions, the theatrical experience is not simulated well at home, but the blu-ray comes far closer than the dvd version.

#6

friday the 13th

hated by many, i really dug the friday the 13th reboot. simplistic and flawed, yes — but what prior entry in the series wasn’t? i still kinda cringe at the idea of jason kidnapping people… but that’s really a small complaint against what’s really a fantastically entertaining and shockingly brutal entry in one my favorite franchises.

#5

splinter

splinter is a by-the-numbers trapped-in-an-enclosed-place monster flick, but it’s so well executed that it never feels formulaic or predictable. if i’d seen this when i was 13, i know i would have loudly proclaimed to friends and family that this was THE BEST FILM EVER and maybe even written a really crappy fanfic cross-over sequel titled splinter vs the thing.

#4

trick ‘r treat

horror anthologies have a long history… unfortunately recent parts of that history primarily involve sucking. trick ‘r treat is an extreme exception to that trend. sam, the sack hooded trick-r-treater, is one of the cutest (and simultaneously creepiest) horror villains in recent memory. the studio seemed to lack confidence in the film, but i hope its success on dvd is large enough to ensure this isn’t the last we see of sam.

#3

drag me to hell

sam raimi’s absence from horror has been sorely felt for years. any fears i harbored that raimi’s skill at creating his own unique campy brand of horror had atrophied after years baby-sitting spider-man were laid to rest with the release of this immensely stylish and funny demonic thriller.

#2

paranormal activity

like the best campfire ghost stories, paranormal activity is simple, short and terrifying. it really needs to be viewed with no distractions and, preferably, late at night. its scares will not work for everyone, but those that are susceptible to its subtle brand of horror will be creeped out long after the credits have rolled. and on dvd, since they list about fifty gajillion fans… those credits are really, really long.

#1

jennifer’s body

if you’d told me a year ago that my favorite horror film of the year would star megan fox, i would have likely backed slowly away from you and called the guys with the big butterfly nets. or maybe i would have just thought what you said was just highly unlikely to be true. regardless… that hypothetical you would have been absolutely right. many seem to have trouble getting past diablo cody’s stylized uber-cool teen speak, but unrealistic dialogue works for me when done well (e.g. heathers, clockwork orange or anything written by joss whedon, quentin tarantino or david mamet). a smart and satirical horror/black comedy, i predict this will be a cult classic years from now when the megan fox backlash wears off. i could be wrong though… as one fellow blogger (brad of ilovehorror.net) put it, “watching jennifer’s body made me want to punch a baby in the face.”

the worst horror films of 2009

#5

the haunting in connecticut

like the amityville horror, this is another new england ghost tale supposedly based on a bullshit true story. boring and far from scary, this haunted house film brings little new to the table. and i still can’t figure out what’s supposed to be happening in the poster — my best guess is that someone is vomiting on the space shuttle.

#4

stan helsing

despite a surprisingly likable cast, stan helsing is dragged down by a terrible concept and an unfortunate lack of anything approximating ‘funny.’ i picked this up because i imagined it was going to be in the vein of scary movie, but instead of being aimed at the post-modern slashers like scream and i know what you did last summer, it’d take on the 1980s slasher classics. and while leatherface, freddy and jason do make appearances (oh-so-cleverly renamed pleatherface, fweddy and mason), classic slasher situations and cliches are completely absent, replaced with a scooby-doo-esque setup and more fart jokes than i care to recall.

#3

the unborn

i should have known better than to think a movie that relies on photoshopped butt cheeks as its main draw could be decent, but i took a $20 gamble on the unborn (on blu-ray no less). new to the blu-ray revolution, my magical thinking was that seeing the film in HD might somehow improve the experience of the film… which is a lot like thinking a piece of dog crap would look more appealing because you’re using a magnifying glass. i’ve blocked most of it from my memory, but it had something to do with a dead twin, the holocaust, another dead twin and gary oldman with a funky accent.

#2

offspring

offspring begs you to be shocked by the fact that children are committing murder, which is somewhat offset by the fact that the children in question are dressed like bam-bam rubble and pebbles flintstone and the bloody entrails they’re playing in look suspiciously like rubber tubes doused in ketchup. as the tired cliches rack up and the preposterous plot collapses in on itself, you can’t help but feel bad for the kids who got to tell all their friends they were going to be in a big hollywood movie — and then had to put up with the teasing, playground bullying and dating-related rejections that no doubt occurred once this film hit dvd. it’s also worth noting that this film is based on the second book in a series, which may make it a first in the horror genre… a sequel to a film that hasn’t been made yet.

#1

the cell 2

completely ignoring the one thing that the original film got right (its stunning nightmarish visuals), the cell 2 is a cluster-f of bad writing, poor direction, crappy cgi and frank whaley. this movie isn’t just tedious and boring… if placed in close proximity to other dvds on your shelf, i fear it could cause other films to become more tedious and boring via osmosis. avoid at all costs.

the best horror documentaries of 2009

not quite hollywood

while geographically narrow in scope (not quite hollywood deals with only australian films), this is one of the best documentaries about exploitation films ever made. i could watch this thing all day long.

his name was jason

a documentary detailing the history of the friday the 13th franchise, hosted by tom savini? now if i ever run across a genie in a lamp, i’ve got an extra wish to use!

zombie girl: the movie

following 12-year-old emily hagins in her quest to make the feature length zombie epic pathogen, zombie girl is a touching and inspirational story of how one young girl somehow manages to pull off what i’m sure every horror fan dreamed of doing as a kid. don’t miss this film and be sure to read our q&a with emily and check out her site at cheesynuggets.com to see what she’s up to now.

the most surprising horror films of 2009

saw 6

the saw franchise has been in a steady decline for a while now, and no one expected that trend to change with part six. wrong we were, however, as the sixth entry in franchise proved to be far superior to the last few sequels and added in some much-needed depth by using jigsaw’s increasingly improbable exploits to comment on current politics. not the best film in the series, but a welcome change of direction that gives hope for future entries.

orphan

despite featuring one of my favorite actors (peter sarsgaard), orphan looked bad. like, really bad. i stayed far away from it theatrically, and tried my best to avoid it on dvd. however, one night the dangerous combination of having a little too much to drink and browsing the pay-per-view channel ended with me giving it a try. luck was on my side that night as orphan is a surprisingly well executed thriller, largely due to the amazingly creepy performance from child star isabelle fuhrman. a fantastic entry in the ‘evil child’ genre.

the most disappointing horror films of 2009

the final destination

the final destination films have always had fantastic deaths, an easy-to-understand (if silly) mythology and somewhat interesting characters. throw 3d in the mix, and it seems like a perfect match. unfortunately final destination 4 (bizarrely retitled the final destination) keeps the deaths but makes little sense plot-wise and features the least-defined characters in horror history. i don’t need much in terms of characterization, but these teens/20-somethings don’t appear to be high school students, college students or employed. apparently their purpose in life is to just sit around their scarcely furnished but expensive looking apartments and wait to die. which, thankfully, they do in short order.

laid to rest

i had high hopes for laid to rest. it looked to be a unique take on the slasher formula with some old-school special effects. while the death sequences are indeed impressive, there is little to like in the rest of the film (with the possible exception of a catchy song that’s entire lyrics seem to be “sexy bitches are my favorite kind of bitches”). the characters and situations are impossible to identify with because every character reaction seems disconnected from reality and contradicts common sense. like a bad sitcom, laid to rest feels like it takes place in a confined, artificial and magical world which, unfortunately, makes getting scared by or emotionally attached to anything that happens in that world impossible.

the grudge 3

after the grudge 2, i doubt many expected very much from part three. however, when i saw it was directed by splinter creator toby wilkins, i got very excited that maybe the new sequel might exceed expectations. for whatever reason, this is not the case… the grudge 3 is just more tired, poorly executed jump scares paired with an unengaging story. rather disappointing given the combination of such a talented director and a horror franchise with such potential.

my name is bruce

my name is bruce is one of those concepts that sounds impossible to screw up… bruce campbell as bruce campbell vs the undead. but they found a way. campbell somehow manages to be unlikable, unfunny and uninteresting through the majority of this film, which is shocking to anyone who’s ever met him or seen him speak. given his natural charisma, charm and improv ability, it’s shocking how poorly my name is bruce turned out. maybe with spider-man now abandoned, bruce and sam raimi can finally be reunited and produce something as good as the film this should have been.

the most bizarre horror film of 2009

halloween ii

rob zombie’s h2 is one of the strangest franchise slasher films ever made. flawed but fascinating, it is (for better or worse) the product of a singular vision and definitely the exact film that zombie wanted to make. the entire thing, from the jarring opening sequence to the inclusion of “love hurts” in the closing credits feels like a giant raised middle finger from rob zombie. unfortunately, it’s unclear to me who the finger is raised to… critics? the studio? fans? there are things i like and things i don’t about the film and i have yet to firmly decide how i feel about it as a whole (hopefully watching the unrated cut this week will solidify my feelings one way or the other). in any case, its brazen disregard for convention and unquestionably unique take on the evil in haddonfield make it a must-see for genre fans.

the biggest fumble of 2009

the last house on the left

like many films before it (the most maddening example being spielberg’s a.i.), the remake of the last house on the left is a brilliant piece of film making that falls completely and utterly on its face in its final moments and really should have just ended just a few minutes earlier. like seeing your favorite team leading through the whole game, only to lose with seconds on the clock… finishing this film is a disheartening experience that makes you wish it had sucked from the beginning instead of getting your hopes up. while spielberg had no such excuse (having final cut), the ending of the last house on the left stinks of studio interference. an unfortunate bit of interference that is solely responsible for keeping this film off many a ‘best of’ list. including mine.

Related posts:

1. 2010 Evilontwolegs Movie Awards
2. Horror Community Highlights – September 4th, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – November 27, 2009
4. Friday the 13th (2009)
5. Horror Community Highlights – October 2nd, 2009

Update 1/12/10: Melissa of Bloody Mary’s Movie Review was randomly chosen as our giveaway winner! Congratulations to her, and thanks to all that entered!

In anticipation of its January 12th release, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has been kind enough to offer a free Blu-ray copy of the unrated director’s cut of Rob Zombie’s Halloween II to one of our site’s readers. If you’re interested in receiving this free Blu-ray copy of the film, please leave a comment below (don’t forget to include your email address) or simply email me at corey@evilontwolegs.com and include something like “Halloween Blu-ray Giveaway” or (if you’re feeling more exuberant) “I WANT ME THAT THERE H2 BLURAY PRONTO!” in the subject line. A winner will be announced shortly, so enter now.

Official H2 DVD/Blu-Ray Trailer

Synopsis (from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment): Rob Zombie’s H2 (HALLOWEEN) picks up at the exact moment that 2007′s box-office smash, HALLOWEEN stopped and follows the aftermath of Michael Myers’s (Tyler Mane) murderous rampage through the eyes of heroine Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor Compton). Evil has a new destiny. Michael Myers is back in this terrifying sequel to Rob Zombie’s visionary re-imagining of Halloween. It is that time of year again, and Michael Myers has returned home to sleepy Haddonfield, Illinois to take care of some unfinished family business. Unleashing a trail of terror that only horror master Zombie can, Myers will stop at nothing to bring closure to the secrets of his twisted past. But the town’s got an unlikely new hero, if they can only stay alive long enough to stop the unstoppable.

Related posts:

1. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween
2. The Hair of Halloween (2007)
3. Why Dogs Hate Halloween
4. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 12th, 2010
5. Happy Halloween

Related posts:

1. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
2. The Hair of Halloween (2007)
3. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween
4. Why Dogs Hate Halloween
5. Jason Halloween Costume

saw this while out shopping for an upcoming halloween party… is this really the best jason costume available to today’s youth?

Related posts:

1. Why Dogs Hate Halloween
2. Happy Halloween
3. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
4. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween
5. F13 Megapost – Jason Contest – Crystal Lake Webcam – New Logo

paranormal activity
while the year is not yet over, i can easily state that paranormal activity will be on my top ten list for the year and has a damn good chance at the #1 slot. the hype surrounding it just keeps growing, but after seeing the film last week i have no problem saying that the hype is well-deserved. it’s not often that a film gets under my skin and continues creeping me out long after the credits have rolled… but paranormal activity did just that.

this film isn’t going to please everyone, especially those looking for an action/gore packed roller-coaster ride. this is a slow-burn, suspense-driven piece that may not work for those that quickly grow impatient with films of this sort (e.g., the blair witch project). further, paranormal activity really needs to be seen in a crowded theater to be fully enjoyed. the sense of dread and anticipation of each scare is palatable in the theater, and i just don’t see that working at home nearly as well unless you make sure you’re watching it with as few distractions as possible (i.e., turn out the lights, put away your iphone and give the film your full attention). still, i’m looking forward to the dvd release, not just because of the much-talked-about alternate endings, but because it may be a more comfortable experience when viewed from underneath the blanket i’ll undoubtedly need to be hiding under in order to watch it again.

saw vi
paranormal activity got thrown into the boxoffice ring with the reigning champ of late october horror films, the saw franchise. despite decent reviews, saw vi got pummelled its opening weekend… which makes this ridiculous poster for the film i saw at the theater rather ironic. however, despite the boxoffice beating that saw vi took to a film that cost less than a used hyundai to make, there was another shocker… saw vi is actually decent. i’ve always liked the saw series overall, but even i was about to jump ship after part 5. luckily they’ve steered the series back on course with part 6, creating a film heavy on political satire (think hostel meets michael moore’s sicko) and arguably as good as any of the previous sequels. oh, and you get to see tanedra, who won scream queens season one, overact quite a bit. so that’s fun too.

the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface
despite a spectacularly over-the-top performance from viggo “aragon” mortenson as a sexually conflicted cowboy (long before brokeback mountain made it cool), this is just not a very good movie. i really enjoy the platinum dunes remake, but for those that complain that michael bay ruined the this franchise… i point you towards the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface (and the even worse texas chainsaw massacre: the next generation) as evidence that the series was already ruined.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching — The Power of Expectation Edition
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)

Related posts:

1. Happy Halloween
2. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
3. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
4. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween
5. The Hair of Halloween (2007)

finished in 2007, trick ‘r treat has languished in release limbo, likely locked in the same dark closet as all the boys love mandy lane. passed over for a theatrical release, it was finally dumped to dvd this week with almost no special features (in an odd choice, only the blu-ray was given special features, including the commentary track). further, from what i’ve heard on twitter, it seems like warner bros. sent out an average 0.25 copies of the film to each store, since no one seems able to find a copy. given how it’s been treated by its studio, i don’t think anyone would blame you for thinking that trick ‘r treat was just another low-budget, crappy horror anthology dumped to dvd. however, you would be wrong.

it’s really a shame that the studio didn’t have more faith in trick ‘r treat and that it isn’t opening in wide release later this month for the halloween season. no film, not even the original halloween, has so perfectly captured the mood and atmosphere of the holiday. years from now, similar to how tnt shows a christmas story over and over again for twenty-four hours straight on christmas eve, you’ll be seeing trick ‘r treat shown on cable stations every year come late october. each of the the film’s stories are tied together by the mischievous trick ‘r treater sam (pictured on the cover), and i see him replacing ‘the great pumpkin’ as all hallow’s eve’s official mascot. in my house, anyway.

trick ‘r treat is not just a good horror anthology. with no disrespect towards creepshow, the twilight zone or tales from the darkside (nor to the little zuni fetish doll from trilogy of terror) ~ trick ‘r treat is the best horror anthology ever made. whether you’re looking at its sense of humor (perfectly dark), its cast (superb), its storytelling (clever) or its setting of mood (incredibly atmospheric), there is little you’ll find to dislike here. rent it, buy it or steal it… but seek this film out.

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – December 27, 2010
2. More Horror on Blu-ray
3. Horror on Blu-Ray
4. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween

Related posts:

1. Nintendo DSi Does Horror
2. Classic Horror Games
3. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles

i was playing around with my nintendo dsi and discovered it comes with a fairly nifty photo manipulation program. with the built in camera and a few pokes of the stylus, you can easily turn a nice picture of your favorite horror blogger like this into this monstrosity. like everything i encounter in life, i immediately began thinking “how can i apply this to horror films?” within a few minutes, i’d created the images you see below. while i’d prefer being able to load images directly into the dsi, the easiest way i found to get the images i wanted into it was just to hold the dsi up to my computer screen and take the picture.

Related posts:

1. Nintendo DSi Does Horror Part 2
2. The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids
3. More Horror on Blu-ray
4. Childhood Horrors
5. Classic Horror Games

let the right one in
the uk edition of let the right one in is my favorite of my horror blu-ray purchases. the dvd copy i own has the non-theatrical (read: crappy) subtitles, and all blu-ray releases in this region are the same for the moment. i took a chance and ordered the uk version from amazon and was delighted to find out it was region free. (on a related note, if anyone has a region-free player and wants a copy of silent hill on blu-ray meant for region b, let me know). additionally, this is the only release of the film to include an english language commentary track. it features the writer and director and is well worth the small extra cost to have the blu-ray imported. you can find this version from several online retailers, but here’s the amazon link i ordered from.

friday the 13th 3-d
while the 3rd installment of the friday the 13th franchise blu-ray features no extra features over its dvd counter-part, i find it well worth the purchase for the bump-up in quality of the 3d experience. be warned though — while superior to the dvd, this is still an older 3d process film and doesn’t hold up terribly well on dvd or blu-ray, particularly in day shots and when approaching the extremes of depth. still, this is the best 3d version of the film you’re likely to see apart from a screening at your local art house theater.

cloverfield
godzilla in new york shot cinéma vérité style? count me in. despite my co-writer jon’s insistence this was just an over-hyped piece of nonsense with nothing but annoying characters… i love it. the blu-ray version features an exclusive ‘special investigation mode’ which places a government interface around the film which shows you bits of info relevant to the scene you’re watching as well as the current location of the military, the film’s main characters and the ‘clover’ beastie in relation to each other on a nifty map of manhattan.

the x-files: i want to believe
the simple fact that the latest x-files movie had 0% to do with the black oil/alien invasion/magic bee plot which never made a damn bit of sense made me like it instantly. the fact that the blu-ray version of the film features a picture-in-picture commentary from chris carter and co-writer frank spotnitz and an interactive timeline covering the entire x-files history makes me like it as well.

planet terror
watching a film that was purposely made to look like crap in hd may seem pointless, but i love this disk. as ironic as it may be, all the the scratches, dust and aging have never looked as clear on planet terror as they do on blu-ray. this disk has all the special features of the dvd release, as well as a special scratch-free version of the film ‘just discovered from a thought-lost negative.’ an interesting and curious feature, but the film is probably best viewed as it was intended – beautifully flawed.

death proof
i actually prefer death proof over planet terror, but i think i’m in the minority there — in any case, they’re both beautiful films. there are no special features on this disk not included on the dvd release, but if you’re going to own planet terror on blu-ray… then you better damn well own death proof. it’s the law.

halloween (1978)
halloween is my favorite film of all time, so i am powerless not to purchase it anytime it’s released in a new version, format, or with new holographic cover art. the blu-ray version does feature a new ‘trivia track’ which features little pop-up-video-esque factoids, most of which you’ll already know. halloween is really best enjoyed grainy and dark, which makes me feel weird about buying it in hd… but if i squint real hard and push the brightness way down on my tv, it looks just like my old vhs, which is really how the film should be experienced.

halloween (2007)
apart from the original halloween and the evil dead series, i can’t think of another horror film to have more pointless re-releases and multiple versions than rob zombie’s amateur-piece, halloween. still, there are things to enjoy in this film, and this is definitely the version to own if you’re going to have one. the picture is beautiful and all the special features are here, including the commentary track and the four and a half hour long (!) making-of documentary. watch this in beautiful hd to get yourself prepared to be moderately disappointed all over again when h2 hits theaters on august 28th.

Related posts:

1. Let the Right One In Blu-ray With Commentary
2. Horror on Blu-Ray
3. Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving
4. Trick ‘r Treat
5. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs

the thompson house from a nightmare on elm street

just click the links below to cyber-travel to the listed film location and see what it looks like today. if you go on your own little horror safari and find any additional locations, please add them in the comments section.

the overlook hotel from the shining

the macneil’s georgetown home from the exorcist

the long flight of stairs from the exorcist

the haunted new york home from the amityville horror

sunnydale highschool from the television show buffy the vampire slayer

camp crystal lake from friday the 13th

death shrub from halloween

the strode house from halloween

the street corner behind the title card of halloween

the doyle house from halloween

spook central — the myers house from halloween

bonus item: godzilla in tokyo

Related posts:

1. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
2. Why Dogs Hate Halloween
3. Classic Horror Games
4. Elm Street Remake Trailer
5. Childhood Horrors

Happy Halloween! In celebration of today’s costume-filled holiday, we continue our look into the fashion sense of horror film characters with an examination of the residents of Haddonfield, IL from John Carpenter’s 1978 classic, Halloween. As with our previous posts, we’ve invited A GIRL to assist us in our sartorial analysis.

Jon: Back in the 80s, my little cousin had a “My Buddy” doll that looked just like this guy – right down to its striped shirt, creepy smile, and bug-eyed expression. Corey: While many have assumed Judith and this young man just had sex during this scene, I have an alternate interpretation of their interaction. Taking into consideration Judith’s toplessness when Michael finds her and the speed with which this man exits while pulling on his shirt, I’m pretty sure this guy is simply a clothing burglar who just stole her shirt. A GIRL: Homemade costumes can be creative and whimsical, or they can be ambiguous and drab. The reader may decide which category Crocheted Potholder belongs.

Corey: I can has burt-day cake? Jon: I know he’s going to grow up to be the Shape, but that fluffy, intricate lace around his neck doesn’t say “I’m evil on two legs” as much as it says “I’m Little Lord Fauntleroy.” A GIRL: Long before Steven King introduced us to Pennywise, little Mikey Myers knew instinctively that clowns are scary and evil. He has wisely chosen to add the correct wickedly sharp accessory to his costume to accentuate this fact. (Note that a cleaver can be substituted if all the knives are dirty and/or imbedded in someone’s chest cavity.)

Jon: Shake it to the LEFT, shake it to the right. Come on baby, you know what I like. Shake it real funky, shake it real low. Shake it ’til you can’t shake it no mo’. Corey: And here comes Loomis around the corner… he’s pulling ahead of the hospital administrator… Oh, he’s cut him off and slammed him into the guard rail! The administrator is careening out of control and has burst into flames! A GIRL: Fashion missteps can negatively impact interactions among even the most serious-minded professionals. Here, a very properly attired hospital administrator feels the need to distance himself from Dr. Loomis, who is attempting, yet so sadly failing, to get down with the brown (polyester).

Corey: From the “No One Will Be Surprised When You Come Out Of The Closet Your Senior Year” line of Halloween costumes. Jon: Meet the first mate of the good ship lollipop. A GIRL: Help! I’m being attacked by an inexplicable Halloween decoration of some sort!

Jon: For the life of me, I can’t remember what the girl in the middle is saying, but in my mind she’s saying “Oh no you DIDN’T, Michael.” Corey: I’ve always been told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Apparently Laurie has aspirations of being a 60 year old librarian, Lynda envisions a future as a leprechaun and Annie wants to be a man. A GIRL: These ladies are all suffering from a severe attack of 70s hair. It seems all that silly ozone we used to have really brought on the frizzies. Good thing we got rid of it.

Corey: Not many shoes come with warning labels, but I’m certain these are the only shoes that come with one that contains the word “vertigo.” Jon: Those boots were made for walkin’, stompin’, and feelin’ sassy. But, sadly, not for runnin’ away from slashers. A GIRL: What young girl doesn’t have fond memories of her first pair of stripper shoes? Of course, back in the 70s it was hard to come by the preferred style of flashing lights embedded in polymers, so Lynda gamely makes do with some raffia and a heartfelt butt waggle.

Jon: Ok, I know this is a post about the fashion of clothing, but I’m going to diverge and ponder the wisdom of designing curtains that only cover the bottom half of a window. Corey: And I question the utility of nailing your hat to the wall. A GIRL: From the Laura Ashley “Domestic Despair” collection, this soul-crushingly mundane outfit comes in Baleful Brown or Gloomy Green (pictured). Matching Depression Compression tights not included.

Corey: And so began the short-lived 1970s trend of squash, pumpkins and gourds as fashion accessories. A GIRL: Here Laurie makes the common mistake of choosing an accessory which is disproportionate to the rest of her outfit. A small squash or melon would be much more appropriate than this distractingly sized pumpkin, which would be better paired with a full skirt. Good try with the bold color choice, though. Jon: The pumpkin, pocketbook, and cardigan she holds in her arms are all domestic items that symbolize Laurie’s role as caretaker. She’s having trouble carrying all that stuff because she’s finding her role to be increasingly difficult. Earlier versions of this sequence weren’t as subtle, as she was also holding a pot roast, a rolling pin, a telephone, and a Chihuahua.

Jon: I guess you simply HAVE to take confident, man-sized strides if you’re gonna pull off wearing nothing more than yellow stockings and a giant white shirt. Corey: This scene had women across the country foregoing pants for yellow knee-high socks and afghans. A GIRL: The proper use of tube socks can add a lot of versatility to an otherwise limited ensemble. Normally one would feel vulnerable roaming the streets in just an oversized shirt, but just add long bright yellow socks, and presto! The wearer is warm and snug and no longer overexposed.

Jon: Dr. Loomis is as beige as a baked potato. But the expression on his face says that he’s just done something very randy indeed. Corey: When I look at Loomis here, this is what I think of. A GIRL: Dr. Loomis dons a rumpled overcoat to create a somewhat unconvincing Columbo costume. The overall effect would be improved by adding a disheveled toupee and adopting a pose of befuddled inquiry.

A GIRL: This is what happens when someone not very clever tries to come up with a clever costume. The Ghost of Woody Allen was a difficult concept to actualize, and sadly everyone thinks this is Ghost of Buddy Holly. This is understandable and should have been foreseen, since although Woody’s career may be dead, the man himself is apparently not. Jon: NOTHING is scarier than a ghost with giant googly eyes. Corey: While crude, this may be the first outfit we’ve looked at that was created by the character themself. The implication of this outfit is that after killing Bob downstairs, Michael found some scissors, went to the linen closet and found a sheet and then cut out tiny eye holes. I’ve never understood why Michael would go to all this trouble, but maybe they had some Home-Ec classes at Smith’s Grove Sanitarium and he was feeling domestic.

Jon: Michael’s down for the count now, but he’s still got a little Captain in him. Corey: With several pockets capable of holding all your knives, rope, breath mints and asthma medication, Michael’s Parisian jumpsuit is both trendy and functional. A GIRL: Michael demonstrates the versatility of the workman’s coverall. Everyone knows they allow excellent range of motion during killing rampages, but here we see that they are also very comfortable when donned for a little dirt nap.

Related posts:

1. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 1
2. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 2
3. The Fashion of Horror Villains
4. The Fashion & Aesthetics of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
5. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway

why, then, is there no rob zombie’s halloween movie tie-in game on the xbox 360 or a jason: the crystal lake years for my wii (maybe with wiimote swinging action to move the machete around)? why, when it seems so obvious, isn’t there an elm street game where each level is a different dream world? i suppose it’s promising news that there’s a saw game in the works, but why are the true icons of the slasher genre so absent in this one medium? well, as it turns out, this wasn’t always so.

michael, jason, leatherface and freddy all made video game appearances on early home consoles. the time of pac-man and mario bros. is where you need to look to find slasher film themed games… not the current age of violent games like silent hill: homecoming and grand theft auto 4. while we may have to go back further than expected, let’s take a look at the few times that slasher films have made the jump into the video game realm.

halloween

atari 2600 — in 1983 wizard video games released halloween, “the game where HE comes home.” the pronoun is a bit ambiguous as neither the box nor the manual ever calls michael myers by name, but i think it’s safe to assume the white faced guy with the knife is michael. created for the atari 2600, the player controls an unnamed babysitter. points can be scored in one of two ways — either by escorting children to safe rooms within the house or by finding the knife and stabbing michael. five children or two michael stabs equals a level up, with each level featuring a faster incarnation of ‘the shape.’ play continues until the player loses all three lives, happily represented by grinning pumpkins at the top of the screen.

the game was controversial in its time due to its violent content. if the babysitter is touched by michael, she is decapitated, featuring a death animation complete with spurting red pixels. the game sold extremely poorly, likely because most stores kept it behind the counter due to the controversy. wizard eventually went bankrupt and, while liquidating their merchandise, eventually sold the game with only a hand printed label (copies of which are now collector’s items).

not a horrible game by any means, my favorite aspect is that it retains carpenter’s haunting theme whenever michael appears on screen. a video of gameplay can be seen below.

the texas chainsaw massacre

atari 2600 — while halloween put you in the role of victim, the texas chainsaw massacre (also produced by wizard video games) puts you in the role of mass murderer, leatherface. your goal is to “murder trespassers while avoiding obstacles such as fences, wheelchairs, and cow skulls.” each victim slain gives the player 1,000 points and a life is lost when the player’s chainsaw runs out of gasoline.

i love the inclusion of franklin’s wheelchair as one of the obstacles you need to avoid, but this game is far more flawed than halloween. it’s too easy to get stuck on the obstacles (which have invisible pixels you can get caught on), the character/chainsaw models are crude even by atari 2600 standards and the loud beep used to emulate the victim’s scream is a near constant annoyance.

friday the 13th

nes — one virtue that the previous games had is that they generally followed the plot of the films they’re based on — a babysitter did need to protect kids from michael myers and leatherface did chase people around in the woods with a chainsaw. 1988′s friday the 13th game, however, plays a little looser with its source material, but ends up being a rather interesting (if difficult) early chapter in the survival horror genre.

in the nes adaptation of friday the 13th, you control six different camp counselors of various skills as they attempt to survive three days protecting campers at camp crystal lake. while jason is certainly in the game, you spend most of your time fighting various birds, wolves and zombies (the latter are, as the instructions explain, former victims of jason’s who have risen from the grave to do his bidding). now, i consider myself fairly knowledgeable when it comes to the friday the 13th franchise, but i’m fairly certain that jason did not control an army of avian and canine wildlife and undead camp counselors. maybe that was in part 5, which i usually skip over.

jason can show up in the cabins, outside or in the lake (where he swims like an aquatic bat out of hell, chasing down your boat). fights with jason become increasingly harder each day you survive. while the jason we know from the film’s rarely threatened children, in this game he will readily slaughter your group of children if you don’t rescue them fast enough.

optionally, you can also face down the decapitated head of pamela voorhees, which flitters around like an angry rubber bat on an angry stretchy string, striking at you occasionally. defeating the head of jason’s mother gives you special items (like her sweater, which protects one of your counselors from damage).

i recall two things about this game from when i originally played it in the 80s. i remember the awesome opening animation of the hockey mask, which gets stabbed through one of the eye-holes with a knife and changes color. and i remember that this game was damn near impossible. i’m not sure i fully understood what the goal of the game was, as all i can really remember is walking around, lighting fires in fireplaces and getting smacked down by jason whenever he’d stroll by. i think i eventually figured it out, but my chief complaint against the game is that it never really did anything to feel like a friday the 13th film.

a far more in-depth look at the game can be seen at sydlexia.

a nightmare on elm street

nes — ljn, who released the friday the 13th game for the nes also released a nightmare on elm street on the same platform. as in that game, you begin by fighting off various forms of wildlife (snakes, bats, dogs, etc.), but things eventually get more interesting. once you enter a house, the enemies become nightmarish creatures like skulls on legs, giant freddy gloves, etc.

the game seems to be loosely based on a nightmare on elm street 4: the dream master since you collect “dream warrior” power tokens that grant your character borrowed abilities (magic attack, throwing star attack, hovering ability, etc.). you fight your way through each building on elm street, working your way to a freddy boss at the end of each level. one of the more interesting aspects of the game is that it employs a transformation from the dream world to the real world from time to time, presenting you with different challenges and enemies in each. this ‘alternate version of the same environment’ gameplay is later used in the soul reaver, silent hill and h.r. giger’s dark seed games.

chiller

arcade/nes — while not actually based on a horror movie franchise, no discussion of old-school horror games would be complete without a mention of chiller.

imagine hostel the video game, and you’ve basically got chiller. while most horror games put you in the role of the hero fighting the monster/s, chiller puts you in the role of a sadistic madman bent on human torture. you score points by knocking flesh and bone off helpless victims who are usually chained to some wall or device. for example, score extra points by shooting the flesh off a man’s legs before shooting the crank on the guillotine to behead him. gameplay is spread across four locales, the torture chamber, the rack room, the hallway and the graveyard. once you’ve scored enough points in a room according to the ‘monster meter’, your total score is calculated on the oddly named ‘ectoplasmic tabulator.’

i never played this on the nes, but i do remember running into it as a kid at a local arcade. my friends and i would laugh at the absurdity of it all, in particular the horrible graphics and the low-quality computer screeches that passed for the victim’s screams. however, there were a lot of “omg, did you just see that!?!” exclamations thrown around… a reaction the game can still provoke today given its blatant disregard for good taste.

bonus entry

terrordrome

pc — while certainly not a classic game since it’s still in development, i thought i’d throw in terrordrome as a bonus.

what would be the coolest game ever made? i’ll tell you — it’d be a fighter with classic horror icons as the combatants — like soul calibur but with freddy, jason and michael myers. the rights issues alone dictate we will probably never really see a licensed version of such a thing, but terrordrome: rise of the boogeymen is a fan-made version of what i’ve just described.

while still under development, characters will include michael myers, freddy krueger, leatherface, ash, chucky, jason, herbert west, candyman, ghostface and more. a playable demo which includes the first four characters can be found at terrordrome-thegame.com. while many pages are still under construction, the site also includes screenshots, videos and character models.

i’m incredibly impressed with the models, locations, sound effects and special attacks. i’ve only played on a keyboard which i found a bit cumbersome, but i plan to try it out again using a controller soon. i am indebted to our friends over at horrorfilmmagazine for drawing my attention to this amazing little project; to read more about terrordrome, check out their in-depth look at the game.

Related posts:

1. If only this were real…
2. Ki-Ki-Ki Ma-Ma-Ma
3. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles
4. Biggest WTF? Sequels in Slasher Film History
5. Naughty Bear Slasher Costumes

one of the better horror blogs out there seems to be based on this simple idea. while covering many aspects of horror, kindertrauma seems primarily aimed at covering those aspects of film and television that scared you as a child. whether intentionally frightening (like sleestaks) or not (like slim goodbody), kindertrauma covers everything that made you into the horror fan you are.

with that idea in mind, i thought i’d list some of my own childhood experiences that contributed to my current love of the horror genre. (note: animated gifs may take a moment to load.)

halloween: closet scene

halloween scared the ever-living shit out of me. i was so scared that night, i couldn’t eat, sleep or walk straight. watching the film now for the umpteenth, it’s sometimes hard to appreciate the effect the film can have on its initial viewing. when i was seven, every second of that film was terrifying. even the seemingly benign scenes like the girls chatting after class held a since of dread, since you never knew when that haunting bit of music would start up, alerting you to the shape’s presence.

after laurie first “killed” michael, i was so relieved. i didn’t think i could take much more of michael leaping out of the shadows, and a sense of calm washed over me. little did i know that the single scariest moment in my movie-watching life was about to take place… i hid behind the sofa when michael appeared at the top of the stairs, not as dead as i’d hoped, and laurie ran for the bedroom. she leaves a window open and locks herself in the closet. michael’s no dummy though and doesn’t fall for her clever ruse, and begins pulling on the closet door handles. i wish i had a video tape of myself watching this scene for the first time… as best i can recall, i was crouched behind the sofa, peeking over the edge… all the while sort of bouncing up and down and yelling “oh my god! oh my god!” as michael crashed through the closet door, knocking the single light bulb swinging, i’m certain i screamed.

the sense of excitement and fear this film left me with in the hours, nights and years that followed is why halloween is still my favorite film and, at least partly, why i am a horror fan today.

bloody mary

whoever came up with this urban legend is a genius. this legend is so scary that you don’t even need to know the back story for it to work. when i was a kid i think there was some vague story about a woman named mary having her baby killed or something… it doesn’t matter. the only important part is that you’re supposed to go into a dark room alone with just a candle and say ‘bloody mary’ three times into a mirror which makes mary appear. i remember doing this with friends when i was seven or eight in our center bathroom (which had no windows) and being absolutely convinced that if i said it all three times, a woman covered in blood would be behind the shower curtain in the mirror’s reflection. i could only say her name twice before running out yelling.

the headless roommate

i recall reading daniel cohen’s “the headless roommate and other tales of terror” alone in bed, late one night while at the beach. i’d checked out the book from the school library, so it was a hardcover with no slip cover, leaving the book just a plain red with small white lettering… which somehow made it creepier. the book is basically just a collection of urban legends, many of which you’d already be familiar with (e.g., “the vanishing hitchhiker”). the story that stuck with me the most, however, is usually referred to as “the furry collar.” the gist of the story can be read here, but cohen’s version is much longer, better paced, and scarier. i remember that the room i was in while reading it was at the top of a long flight of stairs, just like in the story. what little sleep i got that night, i got with the lights on.

scary stories to tell in the dark

if you’re reading this site, then i’d bet good money you’re familiar with these books. and i doubt i need to remind you of the scariest part of these books… it wasn’t the stories (which were typically rather lame… e.g., “i’m the viper: i’m here to vipe the vindows”) — it was the pictures. the artist for these books somehow tapped directly into what nightmares look like and put it on paper. even twenty years later i could recall the four pictures that scared me the most… and it didn’t take me long to find them.

• giant skull monster
• eyeless girl
• winking corpse
• the thing

witchboard

while not a particularly scary movie, witchboard caught me at just the right time. i was spending the night alone for one of the first times and it was on hbo at midnight. i don’t recall exactly what in the movie hit me so hard, but i remember being utterly freaked out all night afterwards. i ran around the house, double-checking all the locks on the doors and windows and would jump at every floorboard creak. i watched the movie again recently, and i honestly can’t figure out how i could be so scared of a movie about a plank of wood that features a bubble-gum chewing, uber-1980s dressed psychic named zarabeth.

friday the 13th: the novel

this is a weird one for three reasons. for one, the film friday the 13th hadn’t scared me. two, while reading the book it was daylight at a friend’s birthday party. and three, the book isn’t particularly well written. regardless, somehow reading about the doomed counselors at crystal lake was somehow so much more frightening than watching. i distinctly remember annie’s (the cook) death scene, and its description from her point of view as the blood ran out her throat and everything faded to white. i was rattled for a while after reading that chapter… at least until my friend’s dad put rambo on the tv.

clowns

i don’t really understand why the circus keeps going with the whole ‘clown’ thing, since i don’t know anyone that likes them. clowns are scary, case closed. i don’t recall the moment i realized clowns were bad news, but i remember a couple contributing factors.

• my mom hated circuses. she was unnaturally terrified of popping balloons and avoided the circus when i was a kid… which clearly conveyed to me that something there was to be feared.
• octopussy. psycho, knife-wielding twin clowns open the film. ’nuff said.
• clive barker’s “dread.” one of my favorite barker short stories, it features a psychologist obsessed with the study of fear and an axe-wielding clown.
• it. tim curry. awesome.

jaws

jaws, being the sneaky little devil that it is, wasn’t content to just scare me once. like everyone else in the world, the film made me afraid of the ocean for… well, ever. the scene where the shark first surfaces in front of brody knocked me down into the seat cushions. however, it was years later that i read the book and was traumatized all over again. in particular, i remember the opening scene with the skinny-dipping girl. the book describes her feeling a slight tug from below, which she wasn’t very concerned about. she reaches down to see what it was, and feels the cleanly sliced stump where her foot should have been. that concept, of being in the black water and being cut so cleanly and quickly that you don’t even realize it, freaked me out so completely that i think of it every time i go near the beach to this day.

a lamb on elm st.

i don’t know why, but the scariest moment for me in a nightmare on elm street was during the opening credits when a lamb wanders by. while it may not sound like nightmare fuel, for some reason it got me. it’s so weirdly out of place and surreal, it strengthens the dream-like quality of the scene… and for some reason that bleating lamb in midst of the steam pipes and krueger’s laughing left me really disturbed. if tina’s immediate reaction to the shot of the lamb is any indication, this effect was intentional.

halloween: michael sits up

ending up where we began, halloween deserves another mention on this list. while michael crashing through the closet was the scariest moment in the film for me, the creepiest moment happens a few minutes later. michael is dead… again. unfamiliar with horror clichés at the time, i completely believed the killer was finally dead. then occurs the creepiest moment in film history… from over laurie’s shoulder, michael sits up and turns towards her. the action is so mechanical and unemotional, watching it still tingles my spine and heebies my jeebies to this day.

Related posts:

1. Films That Defined My Childhood
2. The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids
3. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
4. Biggest WTF? Sequels in Slasher Film History
5. Beauty Product Horrors

jason goblet
price: $2.99

why would a goblet need protective face gear? and what is that on the base… it kinda looks like it’s sitting in dog feces. with the three dollar price tag, i assume this is made of styrofoam or something as opposed to the metal you’d assume ‘goblet’ implied. which means the first time you put wine in it, all that silver paint will probably flake off and give you some sort of fatal poisoning. i have to get one of these.

pinhead hellraiser teddy bear
price: $14.95

sound in theory, this just doesn’t work in practice. that’s not pinhead as a teddy bear — that’s a teddy bear with weird black sticks hanging out of his face. technically that’d make him ‘black stick head,’ which is not nearly as scary. it’d actually be easier, cheaper and more effective to make your own pinhead bear. all you’d need to do is go here with this. i do like this one’s outfit tho.

chucky cushion
price: $14.99

the price on this item keeps getting marked down as i work on this article… i don’t understand why. who wouldn’t want to rest their head on a deformed and scarred pillow which mildly resembles chucky and has weird ears and an afro?

hanging hellraiser butterball decor
price: $13.99

if there’s one cenobite that you want to be able to hang from your car’s rearview mirror or christmas tree, it’s certainly butterball.

blair witch project kubrick box set
price: $29.50

when blair witch-mania hit, it hit hard. i admit to having a blair witch branded shot glass… and during those couple of months in 1999, i might have also bought the heather, josh and mike lego-esque kubrick figures shown here.

1979 alien cookie jar
price: $99.99

a bit out of my price range, but if i had one of these i’d definitely keep dog biscuits in it. i love the look on the alien’s face here, as if he’s trying to say “hi, look what i got. an egg!”

friday the 13th air freshener
price: $3.95

perhaps the most disturbing part of the description for this friday the 13th air freshner is that it doesn’t tell you what it smells like. ponder the possibilities before moving onto…

freddy trick arm
price: $6.99

a freddy arm! the description lists the arm as ‘full-length,’ which is lucky because anything less simply wouldn’t have served my needs. the box is not included… which is a shame. i like the idea of freddy climbing into a steamer trunk, only to have the lid close and crush his armpit… as depicted here.

cthulhu plush fanny pack
price: $18.74

well, if you must wear a fanny pack…

this would have made a great movie prop for finalgirl.blogspot.com’s latest short-film, the devil’s bum bag.

michael myers mask with hair
price: $34.99

i have seen some crappy halloween masks before, but at thirty-five dollars — this isn’t just a horrible reproduction of the original mask, it’s a rip-off too. also… worst. hair. evar.

freddy matchbox car
price: $5.99

so… piecing the story together just from what i can see here… freddy is fifty feet tall and attacking the springwood boiler maintenance van. wouldn’t that be counter-productive? who’s he gonna call when his pipes stop shooting out mood-steam or he loses one of his sheep behind a furnace?

cthulhu christmas wreath
price: $34.99

cthulhu christmas wreath. ’nuff said.

jason snowglobe
price: $43.99

this is probably the item on this list i’d be most likely to actually purchase. ‘snowglobe’ is an odd market for horror to branch out into, but the result isn’t too bad… and i just realized that the girl looks quite a bit like my fiancée. i don’t know whether that’d make her like it or hate it more if it was in our living room.

jason guitar picks
price: $3.99

i almost want to learn guitar just so i can use these. will they work with rock band or guitar hero?

freddy vs. jason battling game
price: $29.99

even if you ignore the fact that the two combatants seem to be facing away from each other, this just looks ridiculous. like a horribly boring version of hungry hungry hippos… with really fat hippos.

freddy yo-yo
price: $6.99

i never fully understood the marketting for a nightmare on elm street. while i imagine there are adults who like yo-yos, this is obviously primarily aimed at children… children who want a yo-yo branded with a burnt, psychotic child molester/murderer’s image? is that a big market? i say this knowing i would have bought it if i’d seen it when i was 13… so i guess the answer is ‘yeah.’

japanese freddy plush doll
price: $49.99

we all know the japanese are weird with their karaoke bars and host clubs and used panty vending machines… but this is going a bit far. a cross-eyed freddy krueger doll that wears a blue sweater and a pirate hat? blasphemy.

michael mask in a bottle
price: $9.00

who wouldn’t want an itty bitty michael myers mask in a jar? that can (as the description informs us) be filled with water. the description also says that this is a “gotta have” for michael myers fans. count me in.

jason spitballs
price: ???

i couldn’t actually find these for sale anywhere. that’s too bad, cuz… well… look at ‘em. friday the 13th spitballs… that possess a “scary 18 foot squirt!” i like that they actually took the care to put the proper cut mark in the hockey mask… but the look on the victim’s face cracks me up.

jason matchbox car
price: $5.99

i can’t really see what the truck says on it, but i assume it’s a camp crystal lake counselor vehicle. unlike the freddy version, the story here obviously makes sense… a fifty foot jason voorhees is attacking counselors. that, or a normal size jason is attacking 5-inch tall counselors. i’d readily watch either one.

horror candle set
price: ???

i don’t really understand how you use this. is every one of these things a separate candle? so five candles… a hockey mask, an arm, a leg, a chainsaw and an axe. jason doesn’t really use a chainsaw, so i don’t completely get that one… but this hardly looks like an officially licensed product anyway.

saw 400% be@rbrick
price: $59.99

ok, i was just getting used the whole ‘kubrick’ thing (the lego-type figures)… but now it turns out there’s a whole other subdivision of them, where the characters are bears… known as be@rbricks. i thought saw was a pretty good movie, but i’m not sure i’m prepared to spend sixty dollars for a blocky saw puppet with bear ears. and yes, even if it glows in the dark.

custom nike jason sneakers
price: ???

as a teen unfamiliar with what females actually found attractive, i absolutely would have worn these high top sneakers, had they existed in 1990. hell, on the right occasion, i might wear them now.

monster freddy doll
price: ???

ok, here’s another unlicensed piece-of-crap depiction of a sexual predator marketed to children. it’s obviously freddy krueger, but they changed the color of the sweater. although they got at least one color right, and his eyes are relatively straight, so they’re a step ahead of the japanese doll seen earlier.

camp crystal lake room rolls
price: $21.59

this is the worst officially licensed product on this list. mainly because there’s no reason for it to be licensed. i suppose you put this on your wall to give the illusion of you being at camp crystal lake… but there’s no camp crystal lake sign, no jason hiding behind a tree (unless he’s really well hidden), or even a creepy reflection of a hockey mask in the water… there’s just some trees and some water. that’d hardly make it the crown jewel of your horror memorabilia collection. the description even hints to such as it clearly states “combine with other jason products (sold separately) for the perfect scene.”

friday the 13th and texas chainsaw christmas lights
price: $34.95

i greatly desire to see a christmas tree decorated solely in these lights. perhaps a nice lament configuration or pinhead figurine up on top? after all, he’s a demon to some, angel to others

Related posts:

1. Naughty Bear Slasher Costumes
2. The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
3. Biggest WTF? Sequels in Slasher Film History
4. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009
5. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted

KILLERS at the BEACH
by ~ inkchocobo

starting off with a bang, here’s an unsurprising homo-erotic depiction of freddy, michael and jason enjoying some time off at the beach. the artist explains that freddy is flexing, michael was about to attack him until a dolphin bonked him and jason is left alone on the shore with a flower. some questions though… why does michael have a spear? why does jason have a flower? is that really the best beach background you could find? and, perhaps most importantly… why would someone be compelled to draw this?

Lets have a closer look..
by ~ Moesph

following a similar romantic theme is this rather unique idea of what a michael vs. jason film would be like. the artist explains his vision…

“michael’s burying his head into Jason’s manly boobs- er I mean pecs.

had nothing to do at my grandma’s.”

Halloween Michael Myers Mask
by ~ Nooperz

all too often the myers mask looks nonthreatening or just ‘off’ somehow (particularly after the first film). in this pencil sketch, it looks perfect.

Sleeping Myers. . .
by ~ Alptrauma

an interpretative, emotional and strangely beautiful rendering of michael…

Ghost Attempt – Michael Myers
by ~ thedemogorgon

what’s going on here, exactly? all i can figure is michael is looking for a christmas tree while marty mcfly is having trouble getting his mom and dad together at the ‘enchantment under the sea’ dance.

MicHael-myers—–
by ~ masterofstickmen

isn’t this just a screenshot from the film with the default settings on the photoshop texturizer filter?

Chibi Myers Desktop Wallpaper
by * darkravenofchaos

i have to admit it… that’s kinda adorable. this is one of my favorites.

Halloween
by ~ SarshelYam

a striking, simple and unique take on halloween. this is exactly the kind of thing i was hoping to find when i began looking into fan art for these posts. not and endless parade of ‘michael and jason making out,’ ‘michael as a sexy cat,’ ‘michael as a woman,’ etc..

FMJ -_-
by ~ MzMorgana

speaking of which… here’s how the artist describes this piece.

“ahhah.. This might be a bit weird. I dunno, I have this thing about drawing male chars I love as females.. It’s not very well done, I did it on a school lesson kinda fast.”

Snickers
by ~ pennyonthericher

michael in a dress. you may be asking, “why is a drawing of michael myers in a dress titled ‘snickers’?” well, the artist explains that’s because they found the snickers super bowl commercial really funny. makes perfect sense to me.

Michael Myers Dragon
by ~ RaptorBarry

this 14 year old artist is actually really pretty good. apparently this was requested, so one can’t really blame the artist for the subject matter… but that leaves me wondering for what purpose a person requests a picture of michael myers as a blue dragon wearing a purple shirt?

zomg
by ~ CannibalWeasel

you can’t make this kind of stuff up. yes, that’s michael myers as a skunk nuzzling up to a predator. the description of this piece is:

“Please… Don’t hurt me for this!!”

Trick… or Treat?
by * monroeart

did the world really need this? can’t you people just depict michael myers in a normal, healthy way — you know, like cutting up teenagers with a kitchen knife?

They say he hunts on Halloween
by * Kristehvampire

this is not only disturbing, but exemplifies really unsafe pumpkin carving technique.

JasonxMichael2 by MzMorgana
by ~ Hack-N-Slash-Club

the artist creepily critiques his own work in the description of this one…

What I like: See for yourself.
What I dislike: I don’t want michael to be feminine, and I don’t want Jason to be a perv.

Lethal Love
by ~ LasCamisasDeRayas

here we have the shape and annie wilkes (stephen king’s misery) married and expecting. john carpenter and rob reiner should hop on this idea quick…

Myers
by ~ Ztian

i know the shape doesn’t speak, but looking at this i can’t help but imagine him talking. take your fists and push on your cheeks from each side, towards your mouth so it’s all squooshy. now say ‘nom nom nom’ really loud… that’s kinda what i imagine him saying here.

Michael Ref. Sheet – UPDATE
by ~ data-7-panther-dude

sheesh… not another anatomically correct portrait of michael myers as a mixed-breed cat wearing gold earrings.

michael myers
by ~ fhghghjh

i chose this one just because the text made me laugh.

he’s come. and when he’s come… you die!

Michael vs. Elvis
by ~ evilchibiminion

one of my favorite of the ‘cute’ caricatures i’ve seen, i absolutely love how michael is depicted here in cartoon form. apparently this was drawn by request for a t-shirt, and again i’m left wondering what need someone had for this exact scenario be depicted visually. maybe something for a halloween and bubba ho-tep film festival?

Michael Myers .. I guess..
by * XxXAzucarXxX

this is what michael might look like if he showed up on the cartoon network. i like how fantastically mischievous he looks…

Rob Zombie’s Michael Myers
by ~ planedreamer

this reminds me of the scene where the guy gets nailed to the kitchen wall and michael looks at him puzzled, like he’s not quite sure why his toy stopped moving. here michael looks defeated, unsatisfied and a little sad, despite obviously having just killed. in a lot of ways, this is better than the remake that inspired it.

Related posts:

1. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th
2. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th (part 2)
3. Fan Art Field Trip: Re-Animator
4. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
5. The Hair of Halloween (2007)

given the name of this site, it seems fitting that the first real entry be about halloween. the 1978 version is my favorite film, so i was anxious to see what rob zombie would do with it. i’m not one of those people who hates remakes… i can always go and watch the original regardless of how carelessly hollywood may treat source material that i love. while blasphemous to some, i occasionally even prefer the remakes despite my affection for the original, as in the case of dawn of the dead. therefore i went into halloween (2007) with an open mind and an honest desire to enjoy the film.

two things immediately become apparent while watching rob zombie’s re-imagining of halloween.

1. danielle harris is really, really naked in this movie.
2. rob zombie thinks girls like to have sex with guys with gross hair

i have to say it’s rather disturbing to see danielle harris nude in a halloween film. she was tiny 11-year old jaime in parts 4 and 5, and i’m not sure how i feel about her progressing from playing with crayons while michael tries to kill her to begging some guy for sex while michael tries to kill her. it’s also going to be very confusing and play havoc with series continuity if they decide to make halloween 9 and bring back jaime lloyd’s character.

1978	2007
young michael	young michael
old michael	old michael
boyfriend	boyfriends
dr. loomis	dr. loomis

rob zombie


those guys in american movie

as for the other thing… well, apparently rob zombie thinks that what teenage girls really want is a scrawny guy with long, greasy hair. given his own hair style, this is not a huge surprise. yet it’s a little distracting that this film apparently takes place in a reality where having hair like those guys in american movie is a prerequisite for getting laid. maybe michael had previously broken out of smith’s grove on an earlier halloween and killed all the barbers? three of the four boyfriends in this movie have ‘zombie hair’. old michael has it… young michael has it… even dr. loomis has it for half the movie (while in the 1978 film he had no hair at all). over there on the right in tabular format is a comparison of the male hair styles in both versions of the film. keep in mind that the original was made in the 1970s… a time when long greasy hair was quite common due to the still lingering hippie culture and the lack of pert plus.

the internet is currently flooded with reviews of this film, so i’ll avoid a traditional review and just focus on a few points that seem particularly salient to me. i can say that i’ve seen both the theatrical version in a packed theater and the so-called ‘work print’ easily available at the torrent tracker of your choice, and i’m sad to say that i’m rather disappointed in both versions.

i had heard that the film spent a rather large proportion of its running time explaining michael’s back story, and i was very skeptical about this approach. i can happily say that this aspect of the film surprised me, and the first hour of the film, for the most part, actually works quite well. still, there’s a lot to be said for the lack of explanation for michael’s psychosis in the 1978 film. part of the reason that opening scene is so effective is it’s clear michael’s family is your typical middle-class family whose young son just snapped and became a monster one night for little to no reason. however, seeing exactly how michael was created makes him more comprehensible and (in some ways) scarier than the emotionless evil stalking haddonfield in carpenter’s vision.

explaining michael does have a rather profound effect not just on the plot of the film but on its meaning as well. in the original film michael can be read as a metaphor for the evil that hides behind the leave it to beaver fascade of suburban america. when you remove michael’s middle-class beginnings and instead make it clear that his abusive environment is largely responsible for his psychotic break, carpenter’s metaphor breaks down and your film is fundamentally a different story. this is one of the many reasons that the last third of the film fails. the first two thirds dictate a different direction than where the original film went, yet the director attempts to force the same story where it doesn’t belong. due to the length of the back-story, the last third of the film is an accelerated version of the original film. this is a horrible idea when the material you’re trying to condense relies almost completely on slow building suspense and a sense of dread.

ultimately the film fails to deliver because rob zombie can’t direct suspense. he’s a fantastic visual artist and can direct action sequences fabulously, but he doesn’t understand how to elicit fear. he resorts to staccato, music video editing when the scene calls for something more hitchcockian and he forgets the importance of conveying geography during a chase scene. in the theatrical version’s climax, it’s difficult to tell where the threat is in relation to the victim. the result is that what should be an exciting sequence becomes frustrating and tiring.

today’s audiences are more sophisticated than hollywood gives them credit for, partly due to rise of the dvd format. we’ve all seen ‘deleted scenes’ and ‘alternate endings’ to our favorite films on dvd and we’ve all seen different versions of the same film, even if only by seeing a film in the theater and then seeing the ‘director’s cut’ or ‘unrated version’ when it hit dvd. i’d like to suggest that modern audiences have a unprecedented knowledge of film structure and editing that filmmakers need to be aware of. it was painfully obvious while watching halloween (2007) in the theater that scenes were missing, characters had been trimmed and the whole thing was stitched together rather carelessly. for example, udo kier shows up for about 5 seconds in the film and it’s distracting that this is his only appearance (as expected, he shows up in the ‘workprint’ far more). in both versions of the film it appears that you can call 911 from one house, run down the street into another house… and the cops will magically know to show up at your new location. while no masterpiece, the ‘work print’ is better in this respect and has quite a few scenes and snippets of dialogue that make the story of the film easier to understand.

if you’re curious you can see a list of the differences between the theatrical and ‘work print’ versions of the film here. the key differences are a rape scene and a radically different ending.

i do discuss the end of the film in detail in the next section, so if you wish to avoid spoilers you will want to stop reading now.

the ‘work print’ ends with loomis talking michael into releasing laurie and dropping his knife. after a few seconds pause, the cops decide to kill him anyway and shoot him with about 10,000 bullets. the theatrical version of the film ends with michael chasing laurie though the myer’s house. he grabs her, throwing them both out of a window. a struggle ensues, and laurie apparently kills michael by shooting him in the face. it’s unclear to me what one is supposed to take away from either of these endings, but i am glad they didn’t try to just replicate the 1978 film’s conclusion.

my interpretation of this film is hindered by confusion over michael’s motives. if you’ve seen the film (either version), i’d like to know what you think. why was michael stalking laurie? was it to kill her? apparently not, given that he puts his weapon down and attempts to make some sort of connection with her by showing her the picture of them together. not even loomis is convinced that murdering laurie is michael’s goal. when asked by the sheriff what michael wants, he says “i don’t know. but it’s not good.” in the end of the ‘work print’ he lets laurie go… in the theatrical version while he does reach up and grab the barrel of the gun that she’s pointing at him, it’s not clear to me whether he was trying to stop her from killing him or indicate that he wanted her to kill him or intimidate her so that she’d kill him in self defense. if his intent was for laurie to stop him… why?

i’d originally thought that michael wanted to kill her because she represented the last bit of humanity in him (after all, he didn’t kill her as an infant when he could have) and maybe now he was trying to fix that mistake, completing his journey to the ‘dark side’ or whatever. that doesn’t seem likely given the photograph scene, so it seems the options are:

1. michael’s just crazy and wants to kill everyone and would have continued until someone stopped him
2. michael wanted laurie to kill him, thus michael was effectively trying to commit suicide
3. michael wanted to reconnect with his sister but decided to just kill her after it was obvious she wasn’t interested in a family reunion
4. michael wanted to kill laurie originally, but changed his mind after finding her

in my mind, none of these options are completely consistent with everything else in the film and the more i think about it, the more i think that rob didn’t even know. the majority of the film is told from michael’s perspective, yet his motivations are never even remotely clear. if his only goal was killing the rest of his family, what was with the photograph scene? and why did he need to kill everyone else? laurie’s friends and family were not blocking his path to laurie. it seems that rob wanted to humanize michael, giving him legitimate feelings and making him somewhat identifiable on a human level… but this is in direct opposition to the rest of the movie where rob tries to keep michael as the senseless killing machine he was in the original film. he can’t be Norman Bates and the great white from Jaws simultaneously. it’s a shame this rob zombie couldn’t find a focused vision for material he obviously cared a great deal about. at times the film seems to be finding its way, only to collapse under its own weight. ultimately, the film cannot stand on its own and is best viewed as an interesting companion piece to a far superior film. with a lot more hair.

edit 9/13/07: if you’ve seen the film, you’ll probably like this.

Related posts:

1. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
2. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween
3. Frontier(s) – Horrorfest 2007 Follow-up
4. Somebody Help Me (2007)
5. Happy Halloween

evilontwolegs.com was originally launched in 2001 as a site dedicated to slasher films on dvd. after a short-lived run as a site mainly cataloging reviews and information about such films, i am now resurrecting it as a blog (a format that barely existed in 2001). my friend jon and i (and maybe a few other guest writers) will discuss various aspects of the horror genre. the focus will primarily be on slasher films and their impact over the last 30 odd years, but given our varying interests i can foresee us frequently veering off topic for various excursions into other aspects of the genre. i’m just an average horror enthusiast with little formal training in film criticism and an over-fondness for ellipses and lower-case letters, so there’s no real reason you should listen to what i have to say – but maybe you’ll you’ll give me a chance anyway. jon holds a PhD and currently teaches literature and film studies, so you’ll want to pay close attention when he speaks as there may be a pop quiz. he’s also a talented writer, which might help as well.

as for the name of this site… in halloween 4: the return of michael myers, dr. loomis utters these cryptic words:

We’re not talking about any ordinary prisoner! We are talking about evil on two legs.

as the series wore on, loomis resorted to sillier and sillier descriptions of michael’s inhumanity, but this one always stuck with me… at least partially because it opens the door to consideration of all sorts of new types of evil such as evil on one leg, evil on a pogo stick, evil on a tricycle, etc.

in the coming weeks we hope to present several new articles and discussions on horror films and related topics, so i hope you’ll check them out and leave us some comments letting us know what you think. tonite is the release of rob zombie’s halloween, so i imagine we’ll start with some impressions of that once we’ve seen it. after that i have a detailed look at the many faces of jason voorhees in the works, a look at the so-called video nasties from the UK in the early 80s and quite a few more ideas i’ll keep to myself for now. i’m not sure what jon and others may have up their sleeves, but i’m sure we’ll all discover soon enough. until then…

Related posts:

1. Welcome
2. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted Part 2
3. My Bloody Valentine 3D
4. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part Two
5. The Hair of Halloween (2007)