THE THING

THE THING is one of my favorite films, so i was understandably skeptical when i heard they were making a prequel and/or remake. i was anxious for more ‘thing,’ but it would be so easy for them to screw it up by trying to fix what was ‘wrong’ with the first film since it had such a disappointing theatrical release (yet eventually gathered quite the following on home video). i remember reading an interview with the director, stating his intention to be true to the original — but that’s what every director says to appease the existing fans, while not mentioning all the changes they’re having to make to try to have broader appeal. after seeing THE THING, i’m convinced of two things: 1) it’s confusing to name your prequel the same title as the film it is a prequel to and 2) the director was not lying about staying true to the original.

apart from possibly using cgi where it wasn’t necessary in a few places, there is very little to complain about in THE THING. don’t get me wrong — no aspect of john carpenter’s masterpiece is in danger of being eclipsed by this prequel (most notably in the special effects category), but i doubt making a better film than the original was their goal. it feels like they were trying to make a smart and frightening companion piece to the original that supplements it without contradicting or negating anything already established. if that is true, then they succeeded. everything we know from the original about the norwegian camp is seamlessly integrated into the prequel. many scenes are almost identical in tone and content to scenes from carpenter’s, but there are enough twists and differences that it always feels like a homage instead of a rehash. this may not end up joining the original as a true classic of the genre, but it’s certainly entertaining and well worth seeing.

as i was leaving the theater, happily surprised by how much i liked THE THING, i overheard a girl ask her boyfriend “that’s how it ends?!? what happens next?” i did not overhear his reply, but it’s my hope he’s a true horror fan and already owns the answer to her query on dvd and/or blu-ray.

related video: the cast of THE THING (1981) watch THE THING (2011).

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

i was about to start this off with the phrase “despite not being as original as THE WALKING DEAD…”, but quickly realized that would be completely unfair. it’s true that AMERICAN HORROR STORY is not wildly original, as it borrows shamelessly from well-known genre classics and recent horror successes. however, despite being incredibly compelling, THE WALKING DEAD is an even worse offender, stealing unabashedly from only one coffer (george romero’s), while AMERICAN HORROR STORY at least has the decency to spread its thievery around, often sprinkling pilfered bits from john carpenter, stanley kubrick, and alfred hitchcock evenly about, often in the same episode.

most of the time, the show’s tendency to reference other horror films works, coming across not as laziness or plagiarism — but as a type of horror short-hand. in the most recent episode, the intentions of three home intruders is immediately communicated to the audience in a blink of an eye, not through lengthy exposition but by simply emulating the most famous shot from THE STRANGERS. earlier in the same episode during a flashback set in the 1960s, the familiar violin strings from the score of PSYCHO instantly place us in the correct decade and and convey the intentions of an uninvited guest.

the show’s opening credit may be a little too reminiscent of SE7EN’s famous credit sequence, but minor gripes aside, this is a show you should definitely be watching. i don’t know how long they can keep it up, but so far the haunted house story they are telling has kept me riveted and guessing at every turn, and is scarier, sexier and more unnerving than anything horror television has ever seen. similar to the maturity level seen in DEXTER and TRUE BLOOD, but lacking the lightheartedness and comedy those shows occasionally exhibit, AMERICAN HORROR STORY is a hard-edged series that shows a willingness to push the envelope and go to places that even recent horror feature films seem afraid to.

THE WALKING DEAD

along with everyone else in the world, this week i also watched the season premiere of THE WALKING DEAD. once we get to episodes that frank darabont had little to no input on, i’m afraid the show will take a nosedive, but if they can somehow maintain the quality shown in this first episode, then there will be nothing to worry about. you can already see the impact of the budget cuts in a few questionable cgi effects shots, but other than that, there is little to complain about in this season’s opener.

i will, however, complain about how amc is handling suddenly being in possession of an incredibly successful show. in addition to slashing the budget despite growing success and running off the man who created the damn thing, they also became the first company i know of to greedily double-dip the home video release of a show’s first season before the second season even aired.

behind-the-scenes drama aside, the show is fantastic. and it has also spawned one of the more brilliant parodies in recent memory, which you can see below.

Related posts:

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2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (documentary edition)
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)

“Are you saying to me the dog wasn’t put in the pants until last night?”

~ Blair

“Anyone messes with me and the whole camp goes. Come on, Childs. Burn me. Put those pants on the floor and back off.”

~ MacReady

“But, MacReady, I’ve been thinking. If a small particle of this thing is enough to take over an entire organism, then everyone should prepare their own meals. And I suggest we only eat out of pants.”

~ Fuchs

“Watching Norris in there gave me the idea that maybe every part of him was a whole. Every little piece was an individual animal with a built-in desire to protect its own pants.”

~ MacReady

“So I took one of his notebooks from the lab. Listen. ‘It could have imitated a million life-forms on a million planets. Now it wants life-forms on Earth. It needs to be alone and in close proximity with a life-form to be absorbed. The chameleon strikes in the pants.’”

~ Fuchs

“Childs, we’re going out to give Blair the pants. If you see him trying to make his way back here and we’re not with him.. burn him. ”

~ MacReady

“When this thing attacked our pants, it tried to digest them, absorb them, and in the process, shape its own cells to imitate them. ”

~ Blair

“I know I’m human. And if you were all these things, then you’d just pants me right now, so some of you are still human.”

~ MacReady

“Temperature’s up all over the pants. Won’t last long though.”

~ Childs

“If we’ve got any pants for each other, I don’t think either one of us is in much shape to do anything about it.”

~ MacReady

“I dunno what the hell’s in there, but it’s weird and pants off, whatever it is. ”

~ Clark

“Yes, Garry, they dig it up. They cart it back. It gets thawed out, wakes up, not in the best of pants. I don’t know. I wasn’t there!”

~ MacReady

Related posts:

1. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted
2. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted Part 2
3. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: Near Dark Edition
4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: The Exorcist Edition
5. The Final Word(s) in Horror

1. Chickens, in Food of the Gods (1976)

When a mysterious, milky substance oozes up from the ground, a farmer is bereft to discover that it’s not oil, but decides to feed it to his chickens, which turns them into giant, flesh-eating monsters and, if this plot makes perfect sense to you, then I suggest you seek immediate psychiatric attention. This is undoubtedly one of the strangest movies ever made. If you’re interested in seeing a literal cock fight between man and giant chicken, then look no further. This movie is, however, absolutely worth seeing because it falls into that rare “so incredibly bad it’s good” category in more ways than I can recount here.

2. Rabbits, in Night of the Lepus (1972)

I love this movie more than I probably should. Perhaps it’s because it stars DeForest Kelley from Star Trek, or because I saw it for the first time on TNT’s MonsterVision. Aside from seeing it at your local drive in, this is one of those movies you have to see late at night, preferably with a cheap domestic beer in hand. The moral of the film reflects a truism among environmentalists: there’s a delicate balance in nature that humans have no business messing with. The other moral of the film is that you can’t use extreme close-ups to make cute, lovable, floppy-eared rabbits look horrifying. I also think it’s a disgrace that DeForest Kelley didn’t win an Oscar for keeping a straight face as he bravely fought the evil bunny horde.

3. Frogs, in Frogs (1972)

1972 was a banner year for eco-themed horror movies. Frogs follows the classic “when nature strikes back” scenario. In this case, a family of drunken, aristocratic southerners have been despoiling the Florida landscape with pesticides, largely because they find the local frogs and toads to be a nuisance and an eyesore that might ruin their upcoming 4th of July celebration. The frogs, however, enlist the help of their animal brethren, including snakes, turtles, and even butterflies in their struggle against their redneck adversaries.

4. Sheep, in Black Sheep (2007)

Black Sheep is the Citizen Kane of zombie-sheep movies. While largely a silly, novelty film that makes use of sheep flatulence and allusions to sheep-diddling for its humor, it’s also a surprisingly well-crafted parody of the dangers of genetic engineering. And there is admittedly a kind of subversive genius in turning what is generally regarded as the most docile of farm animals into gory, bloodthirsty killers.

5. Cows, in Isolation (2005)

Like Black Sheep, this is also a meditation on the dangers of genetic engineering, but without any trace of campiness or parody at all. The plot involves an experiment to produce more fertile cows that goes horribly awry in a way that such experiments always do in horror movies. The cows began spawning mutated, killer embryos. I know this sounds ridiculous, but Isolation is actually a straightforward horror movie with believable characters, competent directing, and a narrative that will keep you emotionally invested. It’s basically what Aliens would have looked like had the aliens infested a remote Irish dairy farm instead of an off-world colony.

Related posts:

1. The Food of the Gods (1976)

Marion Crane, in Psycho (1960)

Hitchcock’s masterpiece has been thoroughly analyzed, reviewed, and critiqued for half a century now, but it’s still as subversive as ever. This is due in part to Hitchcock having the film’s leading lady and most recognizable star murdered halfway into the story, and after he’s made sure that we feel the appropriate amount of concern and sympathy for her plight. She’s a woman on the run, and she’s done some morally questionable things, but we want her to make it to California, put the past behind her, and start a new life. Of course, all of that becomes irrelevant after she meets Norman Bates, and her death signals a major shift, as the story now belongs to this creepy mama’s boy.

Corporal Cynthia Dietrich, in Aliens (1986)

Dietrich doesn’t command a lot of attention amongst her more demonstrative marines. Hudson is the team’s loud-mouth clown, Vasquez is their sharp-tongued badass, and Dietrich is the quiet but confident medic. After she examines Newt and declares her perfectly healthy, she ironically becomes the first victim of the aliens. The fact that the team’s medic is the very first to go is a clear sign of things to come. Soon after, they lose their commander and their pilot and are left to fend for themselves with no expectations of help or reprieve.

Jack Goodman, in An American Werewolf in London (1981)

One of the many things I love about An American Werewolf in London is the fact that it works on so many different levels. It’s a romance, a comedy, a monster movie, and a buddy film, even if one of the buddies happens to be dead and decaying at an alarming rate. Jack dies early in the story, but he is nevertheless the film’s moral conscience and its chief source of humor. His ghostly and increasingly grotesque presence reminds David not only of the tragic loss of his best friend, but of David’s own dwindling humanity.

Tina, in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The original Nightmare is, at its core, about vengeance . It’s about concerned parents taking the law into their own hands, the victim of vigilante justice having his revenge, and all sorts of past and present sins coming to light. Freddy is a pedophilic, murderous ghost, but he’s also, in some ways, a puritanical scourge who calls attention to Elm Street’s dirty little secrets and dark underbelly. It’s therefore not surprising that the sexually promiscuous Tina and her trouble-making, thug of a boyfriend are his first victims.

Judith Myers, in Halloween (1978)

The fact that Carpenter’s famous opening scene to this film is one continuous shot, that it’s from the point-of-view of the killer, and that the camera seems to probe and zoom with disembodied ease and penetration all speak to its lurid brilliance. And then there’s the way young Michael so inexplicably murders his sister. It’s a clear sign that the ordinary rules that govern character and plot have just been abandoned for something far more sinister and horrifying.

Unnamed Worker in Jurassic Park (1993)

It’s a sad, but well known fact that in the horror genre, the black guy rarely makes it to the end of the film. Visionary director Stephen Spielberg bucked this tradition in Jurassic Park by not letting the black guy make it out of the first four minutes of the film, as he’s almost immediately sucked into a metal crate by a velociraptor. Still, it’s an effective moment in the film because it’s a clear indication that those dinosaurs just aren’t going to make practical pets for rich, bourgeois tourists.

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from my own childhood, the item i remember most that seemed to serve no other purpose than to gross out those around you was ‘garbage pail kids’ collectible cards. designed as sort of an “eff you” to both the baseball cards our fathers once collected and, obviously, the ‘cabbage patch kid’ mania sweeping the nation in the mid 1980s, these cards were the must-have item when i was eleven. each card featured a cartoon image of a child experiencing some sort of trauma, torture, fatal injury or performing some similarly heinous act themselves. under that picture would be the child’s name, which was usually some sort of bad pun, rhyme or alliteration. a good example of this is ‘blown joan.’

there were usually two variations of each card, each with the same image but a different name (e.g. ‘blown joan’ is also known as ‘curly shirley’). the cards pretty much grossed out anyone who saw them (including the kids who bought them). which was, of course, awesome. how they were able to release images of children either in the process of dying or already dead is beyond me, but the cards were very popular through the late 1980s and early 1990s, and have actually seen a resurgence as new cards and retro releases of the originals have been produced in the last few years. i found several sites that catalog all the cards, so this weekend i spent quite a while looking through every single garbage pail kids card ever released, pulling out those that either directly reference horror films or are based heavily on horror themes. below is the fruit of that labor, so take a stroll with me down horror-nostalgia-gross-out lane…

not many of the cards directly references slasher films, but two notable exceptions are ‘slasher asher’ (aka ‘claude flesh’) and ‘hollow wayne’ (aka ‘jacqueline lantern’).

when i was a kid, having a ‘garbage pail kids’ card with your name was the ultimate in coolness (which is probably why they released at least two names for every card). unfortunately there was never a ‘corey’ card as i was growing up (the closest thing was ‘cory on the cob’), but in the new cards there are two! now if only i was eleven again, these would both go front-and-center on my trapper keeper.

if you want to look at more cards or search for your own name, the three sites below will allow you to do both of those things.

• Barren AARON’s GPK World
• Wayne’s Garbage Pail Kids Reference
• GPK Central

Related posts:

1. Childhood Horrors
2. Horror Community Highlights – March 25, 2011
3. Films That Defined My Childhood
4. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
5. The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

Brandon Sinclair in Witchboard (1986)

This film hinges on the fact that Brandon Sinclair is a wannabe professor of the occult with a concentration in the kooky art of the Oujia board. All of his pretentious, pseudo-academic vocabulary can’t change the fact that his beloved Ouija board is basically a child’s game popularized by Parker Brothers. But what makes Brandon a world-class douchebag is that he brings this Oujia board to a party and then dominates the conversation with it, even when it’s clear that nobody else cares about it. Douchebags like Brandon simply can’t fathom the idea that people aren’t as interested in their dumb hobbies as they are. Then, to make matters worse, he leaves it behind when he finally goes home. If he had simply left his stupid Ouija board in the car, and brought a Pepsi or a bag of chips to the party like a normal person, then Linda would have never found his Ouija board and fooled around with it, thus provoking the wrath of the evil spirit Malfeitor.

Mr. Teague in Poltergeist (1982)

One of the recurring themes in horror films is that the safety and seclusion of suburbia is an illusion. In Poltergeist, it only takes one douchebag to ruin suburban bliss for everyone when Steve learns that his swimming pool, cozy little house, and entire neighborhood was built on an old graveyard. And Mr. Teague, his boss and real estate mogul in charge of the neighborhood’s development, never bothered to move the bodies. This means that Steve has been having his blissful backyard barbecues on top of some very dead, but very angry spirits. This would be horrific enough, but it’s the callous disregard for decency that makes Mr. Teague a true douchebag of villainous proportions.

Dr. Crews in Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood (1988)

This franchise really needed part 7. The previous two films were disappointing, but part 7 is arguably one of the best in the entire series. So, in a way, I guess I should be thankful that Dr. Crews was such a manipulative, selfish douchebag in the way that he treats Tina Shepard. Had he been a decent and caring doctor, and not chosen to study and exploit Tina’s telekinetic powers by taking her to the very spot where her father was brutally murdered, then Tina wouldn’t have psychically spazzed out enough to inadvertently resurrect Jason. It’s hard to say, really, who’s worse – Jason or Dr. Crews. For instance, in a shocking display of his true nature, Crews uses Tina’s mother as a human shield. Mercifully, Jason puts an end to the doctor’s evil douchebag rampage by killing him with a saw.

Billy Nolan in Carrie (1976)

Billy Nolan is greasy, mean, and stupid – the perfect douchebag. While Chris is the actual villain of the film, and the one who hates Carrie the most, she could not have carried out her plans to humiliate Carrie without the help of Billy. He doesn’t have anything against Carrie, but a douchebag doesn’t need any real or deep-seated motivation. They just go with their misguided instincts and primal urges. His girlfriend Chris tells him to kill a pig, drain its blood, and then hang it in a bucket above the gymnasium, and so that’s exactly what he does. And the resulting mayhem caused by a blood-drenched Carrie is now a horror film classic.

Juno in The Descent (2005)

Traditionally, the status of douchebag is reserved for males who take their reckless and brazen behavior to shocking new heights of selfishness or stupidity. However, Juno is the undisputed heavy-weight champ and queen mother of all douchebags. First, she has an affair with her friend’s husband, and even carries around a gift she received from him even after he’s killed in a car accident. And then she has the gall to “apologize” for not being around her friend so much after the accident. Also, when she accidentally injures another friend, Beth, she does nothing to help her, and instead panics and leaves her behind to die. In true douchebag fashion, Juno’s instinct for self-preservation trumps all other concerns. An equally audacious and unforgivable act is her decision to take an inexperienced, already traumatized group into dangerous, unexplored cave system, while lying about it and insisting that she knows exactly where she’s going. It’s the sort of wildly reckless, smug confidence that is at the heart of being a douchebag. And, of course, had she simply taken them to the cave she was supposed to, they wouldn’t have had their disastrous encounter with a murderous race of underground cave mutants.

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3. Eleven Horror Movie Plants With Whom You Should Not F (part 2)
4. Where Sequels Go To Die
5. Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards

the layout of my awards are similar to last year, with best films & documentaries, worst films, and special categories for particularly surprising or disappointing films. oddly, the same as last year, a single director appears both in my “best” list and my “most disappointing” list, something i didn’t notice until i’d already finished compiling it. last year, director toby wilkins appeared in the “best” category with SPLINTER and in the “most disappointing” list with THE GRUDGE 3. this year, adam green found his way into both categories. both directors are very active on twitter and seem like nice guys, so i can only assume this is a trend that will continue next year with yet another friendly director who loves to tweet finding his way to make one film i love and one that doesn’t quite live up to my (probably unreasonably high) expectations. mark that down as my prediction for 2011.

the best horror films of 2010

#10

SAW 3D

the latest tri-dimensional entry into the SAW franchise is far from perfect, but a damn sight better than some of the later entries (i’m looking at you 4 & 5). the 3d is fun, and the triumphant return of a principal character from the original made this a very enjoyable, if not horribly original, “ending” to the series (i trust this being the last entry as much as i did THE FINAL CHAPTER and FREDDY’S DEAD.)

#9

SPLICE

SPLICE starts off weird, and then just keeps getting stranger and more depraved. not every choice pays off in the film, but regardless a lot of the storyline and visual directions were brave, whether they all worked or not. a little inconsistent, but definitely worth a view from cronenberg fans or genetic scientists who wish their profession involved more kinky sex.

#8

THE CRAZIES

one of films i’m embarrassed to say i’ve never seen is george romero’s THE CRAZIES. it’s on netflix instant, so i really have no excuse. after seeing this slick, enjoyable remake, i may have to finally sit down and watch the original, because if it it’s anything like the new one, then i’m missing out. the remake features some great suspense moments, likable characters and law enforcement (timothy olyphant and his deputy) wearing some disturbingly tight pants (maybe that’s an iowa fashion thing i’m unaware of).

#7

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

i went into THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE like most — equally horrified and intrigued at the film’s simple premise, but not expecting much beyond that. i was shocked to find a clever and surprisingly restrained thriller with some great and (in the case of dieter laser) incredibly creepy performances.

#6

PIRANHA 3D

this is a remake of a film that was itself a blatant rip-off of another, more successful movie about a shark eating people. if that sounds like something you might like, then i doubt you’ll be disappointed by this tongue-in-cheek and ridiculously gory and nudity filled 3d extravaganza.

#5

THE LAST EXORCISM

i have yet to tire of these shaky-cam horror films when they’re done well, and this one is. doesn’t quite reach the heights of creepiness that BLAIR WITCH and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY achieved, but still well worth checking out.

#4

BURIED

in the hitchcockian tradition set by LIFEBOAT and ROPE, BURIED is an exercise in filmmaking. in this case, the exercise is setting an entire movie in a closed coffin. there are no cheats here… no flashbacks or dream sequences. this is an hour and a half of ryan reynolds stuck in a box. you’d think that’d be a hard thing to make tense and interesting for 90 minutes, but this film did it.

#3

FROZEN

adam green’s FROZEN is similar to BURIED in that the majority of the film takes place with people trapped in a single location (here it’s a stopped chair lift). it also shares the same serious tone, with the very occasional moment of dark comedy thrown in to alleviate the near-constant tension. a welcome departure from green’s over-the-top silliness exhibited in the HATCHET series.

#2

LET ME IN

i have not seen LET ME IN, but i am including it in the number two slot anyway, because that’s the kind of shit-house-rat crazy bastard i am. i wouldn’t blame you if that makes you disregard my opinion or this list, but bear with me. every review i’ve read of this film (at least the ones written by people i trust) says the same thing — “almost, but not quite as good as the original.” since i know exactly how i feel about the original, i’m going to trust my fellow horror reviewers on this one (well, at least until it hits blu-ray). after seeing it, i will add an addendum^* to this entry stating whether my educated guess on its placement on this list was accurate or not — but i’m almost certain it would reside here, if not higher. ^*after seeing LET ME IN, it would definitely either be in the #2 slot or tied with #1. i’m planning to look at the film more closely in an upcoming post.

#1

LAKE MUNGO

this film was the biggest holy crap that was better than i ever thought it would be moment of 2010, which would definitely place it on my “most surprising” list if it weren’t already residing at the top of this one. i’d kind of given up on the 8films2die4 gimmick as the films usually range from the terribly bad to the terribly mediocre and this one looked to be more of the same (although, to mix things up, it also looked to be “terribly australian”). i wouldn’t blame you if you missed this one, but i urge you to go back and give it another chance. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY left me a little unsettled when the curtain fell, but LAKE MUNGO had me feeling ill-at-ease hours after it’d finished. if you’re a fan of ghost stories and faux documentaries, this is one of the best out there.

the worst horror films of 2010

LEGION

LEGION is like THE PROPHECY but without christopher walken or anything else cool or interesting. the trailers centered around an ice-cream man opening his mouth real wide which seemed like an odd choice, until i saw the film and realized that was the least crappy two seconds in the whole film.

THE RIG

i normally try not to come down too hard on low-budget films, but this one is damn near unwatchable. other films this year managed to come up with something slightly interesting with limited resources, but THE RIG fails to even make william forsythe seem cool, a feat i’d previously thought impossible. this monster tale on an oil rig (which looks suspiciously like a high school in most scenes) redefines tedium and is the only film this year that caused me to literally yell at it, begging it to just, please, end already.

the best horror documentaries of 2010

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY

similar to last year’s voorhees’-centric documentary HIS NAME WAS JASON, this in-depth look at the ELM STREET series is far slicker and engaging.

BEST WORST MOVIE

this bizarre but oddly touching look into the making of and current lives of those involved in the cult classic TROLL 2 is well worth seeing, regardless of whether you’re familiar with the film it examines.

the most surprising horror films of 2010

BURNING BRIGHT

when i first read the description of BURNING BRIGHT on netflix (woman is trapped in a house with a circus tiger), my initial thought was “there’s no way i’m adding that to my queue.” after a moment’s reflection, that quickly changed to “that sounds so stupid, there’s no way i’m not moving that up to #1 in my queue.” i’m glad i changed my mind as this turned out to be a surprisingly tension-filled film, despite a few minor short-comings (mainly due to budget limitations, i suspect).

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

i’ve always had a soft spot for the 1980s NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, so when i heard it was getting a straight-to-video remake, i was not particularly optimistic. however, the new version far exceeded my expectations, retaining the same silly tone of the original while adding some interesting new plot points and imaginative special effects. also it features a scene where people’s lives depend on how fast they can trace, which must be a horror film first.

the most disappointing horror films of 2010

DEVIL

after the beat-you-over-the-head ya-gotta-have-faith message at the end of SIGNS (which, apart from that bit, i kind of liked), i should have known that m. night shamalamadingdong could not possibly treat the idea of satan trapped in an elevator any less subtly. i was optimistic though given he did not direct it himself, but that optimism was misplaced. DEVIL has a few good moments and some decent scares (even if it uses the same ones over and over again), but the overall effect, theme and tacked on “moral” of the film felt insultingly lame.

HATCHET 2

i have mixed feelings about the first HATCHET because it’s just so damn silly and hardly the return to “old school american horror” that it billed itself as, but i had to admit it was an often funny and entertaining film. the news that fan-favorite danielle harris would be joining the sequel gave me high hopes that it might eclipse the first, but those hopes were smashed against the rocks minutes into my pay-per-view screening of HATCHET 2. the sequel keeps the over-the-top gruesome deaths of the original film, but makes the bizarre choice to be just as silly but not nearly as funny as its predecessor. if it’s not scary and it’s not funny, then you’d think that with a slasher film you’d at least be able to enjoy looking at some young, attractive people talking about sororities and fumbling with bra straps before being killed — but there too you’d be wrong, as the people being hunted by victor crowley are almost all middle-aged, slightly over-weight hunters and bikers (with the exception of harris, of course). despite dying in the last film, parry shen returns, but is completely underused and is never given the chance to be as funny and interesting as he was in HATCHET. i give adam green huge props for going up against the mpaa and standing up for independent horror, and i loved FROZEN, but i was horribly underwhelmed by victor crowley’s second outing.

Related posts:

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4. Horror Community Highlights – December 17, 2010
5. Blog Awards!

1. Alien incarceration is a good metaphor for the evils of racism.
(District 9, 2009)

I still can’t get over how good this movie is. It’s a textbook example of how to properly make the most out of faux-documentary storytelling and filmmaking. The film was adapted from a 2005 short film called Alive in Joburg, and inspired by events that took place in District 6 in Cape Town during South Africa’s apartheid era. The film movingly explores the effects of xenophobia and forced segregation as one of the chief bureaucrats who oversees District 9 is forced to live as a hunted and despised alien. In doing so, not only does he learn to have compassion for those who have been so unfairly oppressed, but regains his own humanity, even as he transforms into an alien himself. At the same time, we learn to sympathize with the alien Christopher Johnson and his young son, both of whom simply want to go home. They’re far more decent and sympathetic than those who oppress them. Honestly, I haven’t been that emotionally invested in a film in years. It’s a deeply moving and thoughtful metaphor for just how much we lose ourselves when we hate those who are different from us.

2. An alien invasion is not a good metaphor for Mexican immigration.
(Monsters, 2010)

Monsters wants to be District 9. But I have seen District 9. I love District 9. And Monsters, you are no District 9. If you pretend that Monsters is just a monster movie with no other agenda, then it works fine. The effects are good (but sparse), the story is good, and it involves likeable and interesting characters who have to sneak past a quarantine zone where Earthlings have just had their butts kicked by giant, squid-like monsters. The quarantine zone happens to be Mexico, and the protagonists are desperate to sneak into the U.S. by any means necessary. Their plight warrants a lot of sympathy and has obvious analogies with immigration along the US-Mexican border. Had the film stopped here, I would have been fine with it, but this is where it gets confusing. We’re meant, I think, to agree with the protagonists who begin to realize that the aliens are misunderstood, and are actually beautiful — if you find giant, slithering, crevice-probing tentacles to be beautiful. Call me old-fashioned, but I think they’re horrifying. And these aliens also have the habit of leaving their eggs stuck to the sides of every tree in every forest they slither through. The overall message is that we should be peaceable and ecologically friendly, and just live and let live when it comes to tolerating the interplanetary aliens among us. I’m as liberal as they come, and a literal card carrying member of both the ACLU and the Sierra Club. I believe in saving the planet, preserving the environment, and keeping our borders open for fair and legal immigration. But I wanted the US military to nuke those squishy, disgusting aliens back to whatever planet they came from. As a monster film, this was very good. As a metaphor for how we should rethink our immigration policies, using the aliens in this film was just plain crazy.

3. Zombies are a good metaphor for mindless consumerism.
(Dawn of the Dead, 1978)

Zombies have always tapped into the fear that we’re all little more than flesh and bone with nothing more noble or spiritual to animate us or guide our behavior. Zombies are terrifying because, as Barbara puts it the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead, “we are them and they are us.” This idea reached its apex in George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, in which mindless, suburban consumerism is explored through the vehicle of a zombie infested shopping mall. I was a teenager in the 80s, so mall culture is a part of my DNA, but after watching this film, I do feel a little guilty whenever I mindlessly wander around one with an Orange Julius in hand.

4. Zombies are not a good metaphor for new media/blogging.
(Diary of the Dead, 2007)

Romero once said that whenever he sees a social problem, he sticks a zombie to it in order to explore it. But it doesn’t always work. I actually agree with the premise of Diary of the Dead. I love the ephemeral pleasures of YouTube as much as the next guy, and I think blogging is a great form of community-building and political empowerment. But blogging is no substitute for professional journalism, and thinking that it is could make us ill-informed, intellectually lazy, and socially disconnected. That’s a great theme that great writers such as Noam Chomsky and Neil Postman explore in-depth in their numerous books and essays. Sadly, this theme doesn’t make for a great zombie movie. Throughout this awful, unwatchable mess of a film, we’re supposed to want the characters to stop filming and do something to save their fellow human beings. We’re supposed to want them to be more connected to reality instead of their private, mediated version of it. Instead, I wanted to scream at Romero to connect with his audience by making a real zombie movie.

5 .Vampirism is a good metaphor for venereal disease.
(Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)

Bram Stoker suffered from syphilis when he wrote the book that forever established the vampire as an icon of horror. His version of the vampire is sexy, seductive, and diseased. Vampires had long been repulsive and fearsome, but Stoker made them equally attractive, and I think it’s this capacity of eliciting both of those powerful emotions at once that makes the modern vampire so captivating. Francis Coppola’s rendition of Stoker’s novel makes this clear, as his Dracula is both a demonic fiend and also a debonair but diseased man of civilization (or “syphilization,” as Van Helsing puns). Coppola pushes that metaphor about as far as he can by linking vampirism with the stigma of HIV, but it works. Near Dark is another example of how well this metaphor works in exploring the ravages and allure of disease. Behind their fangs, the vampires in Near Dark are really sex-crazed, drug addicts in desperate need of medical treatment, if only they would stop partying long enough to take that first step and admit they have a problem.

6. Vampirism is not a good metaphor for the moodiness of teenage love.
(Twilight, 2008)

Romeo and Juliet, The Breakfast Club and Freaks and Geeks are notable exceptions to the general rule that teenage drama is boring and trivial. There’s a fancy neurological term for why things seem so disproportionally melodramatic when you’re a teenager. It has something to do with the still developing neural pathways of the teenage brain. Of course, there have been some notable adolescent vampires – Homer in Near Dark and Eli from Let the Right One In are obvious examples. But those characters work because they’re adults stuck in a child’s body. They have real problems. The vampires in Twilight are perpetual adolescents with high school problems. Being stuck in that stage of emotional and intellectual retardation is, I suppose, horrifying. But vampirism is not a good metaphor for moody teenagers because NOTHING is a good metaphor for moody teenagers. Also, vampires don’t hang out in trees. Or play baseball. Or sparkle.

Related posts:

1. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One
2. DVD Commentary Tracks That Don’t Suck
3. Horror Community Highlights – August 28th, 2009
4. Let the Right One In Blu-ray With Commentary
5. Jon’s First Survival Horror Game – RE5

Just before he’s ripped in half by demonic chains, Frank quotes the shortest sentence in the Bible in a way that suggests he’s finally learned its unsettling secret. Being in tune with our spirituality isn’t always a pleasant experience involving clouds and chubby angels with harps. Religion is strange and scary. But if we’re brave enough to embrace it, our pain can be enlightening, and even pleasurable.

Everything about his final words attest to the fact that this man was a genuine badass. He keeps his cool, even though he knows he’s about to become raptor-chow. Plus, he’s man enough to admit that he’s been out-smarted, and even admires the cunning of his predator. It’s also a statement about the film as a whole and speaks to the fact that they’ve just upset the natural order of things in a way that wasn’t at all clever or wise.

John Doe is the psycho-killer from whose cloth all other psycho-killers after him are cut. Even though the lines have perhaps become a little cheesy after 15 years, they made me jump out of my seat when I saw this film in 1995. These lines are unique, I think, in that they serve so many different roles: they are a confession, a sermon, and John Doe’s bizarre method of suicide.

Rhodes is the undeniable antagonist of the film, but his modus operandi is much like any commander in a hostile, occupational setting: minimize casualties in his own ranks, maintain order, oppress the “locals,” and do so in as cruel and callous a fashion as possible. Of course, the oppressed zombies stage an uprising and have their revenge on Rhodes by devouring his intestines. As they do so, Rhodes, defiant as ever, gives his last command to “choke on ‘em.”

I’ve always loved Brett’s character. He’s not the sharpest tool in the ship’s shed and seems content to follow the lead of his buddy Parker. But he’s a good-natured, working-class kind of guy. I love the way the innocence of his last words are juxtaposed by the appearance of the now fully-grown alien. It suggests that he was simply unprepared to handle the real scale and magnitude of the alien’s threat to the ship and crew.

I love EVERYTHING about this movie. Every frame of it is calculated to generate as much stylized, bad-ass cool as possible. I love the fact that J.T. and his brother continue their long-standing family quarrel over J.T.’s Texas barbecue in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Even when dying of his wounds, J.T. maintains his defiant demeanor and sense of humor by offering to at long last give his brother the recipe just before they blow themselves up in order for everyone else to safely escape.

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5. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted Part 2

Mr. Diehl, from The Children of the Corn

Aside from running the world’s worst gas station, Mr. Diehl’s purpose in this film is to warn Burt and Vicki to stay the hell away from Gatlin in the most cranky way possible. And the fact that he has no gas at his gas station, or telephone, and won’t let them use his restroom, is a clear signal that Burt and Vicki will be on their own for the rest of the film. As the last surviving adult in the area, his death symbolizes the end of any morality or normalcy that once governed the children. His death, in other words, means that the already freaky children of Gatlin are about to get a lot freakier.

Memorable quote: “Well, folks in Gatlin’s got a religion. They don’t like outsiders, and they probably don’t have a phone there either.”

Old Man Cadwell, from Cabin Fever

Cabin Fever is a strange but enjoyable mash-up of about every genre of horror and exploitation film you could think of. It feels like a slasher film (even though it’s not) in part because of the presence of Old Man Cadwell and his cohort of locals who harangue the kids partying in their woods. Cadwell is actually rather likable with his strange elfish voice, Santa Claus beard, and hillbilly-style hospitality. Still, his friendly nature is probably a thin veil for something more sinister, and it gives the film an appropriate sense of tension early on. After all, he appears to be a racist, he’s selling guns in his general store, and he seems a little detached from reality. Plus, he and his cohorts look like they know they’re way around a lynching. His main purpose in the film, however, is to provide it with a subversive sense of humor. I won’t spoil the punch line here, but the entire film is sandwiched between a bizarre joke that challenges his redneck stereotype. He is also kind enough to warn the kids about the perils of spilling the bottles of fox urine for sell in his store.

Memorable quote: “Oh Lord, don’t drop that! If you do, that’s powerful stuff! All the foxes around would come down here. You’d have friends like you’d never had before.”

Sylvia Ganush, from Drag Me to Hell

Typically, the crazy old kook in a horror film tries to warn those who refuse to listen or take their warning seriously. Other times, they provide the film with a sense of local color or sinister atmosphere. Sylvia’s character is a deliberate subversion of all that. She’s reminiscent of the classic Gypsy in films such as Dracula or Wolf Man. In those films, a wise and powerful Gypsy offers guidance and protection to the film’s protagonist. In this film, Sylvia symbolizes old-world beliefs and values in a cynical modern world, and she’ll have her revenge against those who won’t respect her. In doing so, she proves that crazy old kooks can be just as deadly as any monster or masked slasher.

Memorable quote: “I beg and you shame me?”

Mrs. Bundy, from The Birds

My favorite Hitchcock film actually has two crazy old kooks. The first is the town drunk who performs the time-honored old kook role of being the herald of doom as he drunkenly proclaims that it’s “the end of the world” throughout the film. But the more important kook is Mrs. Bundy, an amateur ornithologist. I’ve always taken her androgynous appearance to be a symbolic contrast to the more glamorous and sexualized Melanie Daniels. But more than that, she is the voice of reason in world gone crazy, and reminds everyone who’ll listen that the local birds are not capable of conspiring in an organized attack against the town. Unfortunately for the town, but fortunately for film history, she’s wrong about all that.

Memorable quote: “I have never known birds of different species to flock together. The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn’t stand a chance! How could we possibly hope to fight them?”

Reverend Sayer from Halloween 4

If you were to combine Captain Ahab, Jerry Falwell, and Otis the town drunk, you’d have a pretty close approximation of Reverend Sayer. Like any self-respecting kook, Sayer takes his religion very seriously, and he’s determined to cleanse the world of a rather vaguely defined evil he’s been chasing for years. He was probably a competent minister at one point, especially given the fact that he provides Dr. Loomis with solace and a much-needed morale boost. But Sayer is also tormented by his own personal demons that all the whiskey in heaven or earth will never drown.

Memorable quote: “I’ve been huntin’ the bastard for 30 years, give or take. Come close a time or two. Too damn close! You can’t kill damnation, Mister. It don’t die like a man dies!”

Crazy Ralph, from Friday the 13th

Crazy Ralph is the cloth from which all other crazy old kooks are cut. He’s got all the classic attributes. He’s bonkers and claims that God has given him a special mission to warn everyone about Camp Crystal Lake and its “death curse.” He’s eccentric and rides around on an dilapidated blue bicycle. He’s as ornery as they come and seems to especially dislike teenagers. If you want to get all fancy about it, you could argue that he symbolizes the failures of a rational, adult world that can’t protect or connect with the youngsters in the film.

Memorable quote: “Doomed! You’re all doomed!

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3. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One
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5. Horror Movie Plots That Could Have Been Defused By Someone Not Being a Douchbebag

Most Unintentionally Funny

One thing is for certain about this very odd movie – Crispin Glover throws himself into the title role with all the reckless, crazy-ass abandon he can muster. His version of a southern accent makes this one-liner downright hi-larious. It’s as if Jed Clampett or one of the characters from Hee Haw has suffered brain damage, developed a speech impediment, and gone crazy.

Half the dialogue of any given action film consists of lines like this (e.g., “come on!” or “let’s go!”), but this is another line that still cracks me up twenty years after hearing it for the first time. I think it’s because Arnold is so serious, so earnest in his delivery. He may not have intended it, but it’s pure comedic genius.

Winner:

“We’re not talking about any ordinary prisoner, Hoffman! We are talking about evil on two legs.”

– Dr. Loomis, from Halloween 4

It should be obvious that I love this quote. Loomis’ hysterical hyperbole always strikes my funny bone in ways I don’t think he intended.

Creepiest

Todd Browning’s 1932 classic is still one of the most unsettling films I’ve ever seen. He uses real sideshow freaks and spends the first half of the film making them seem entirely sympathetic and “normal.” And then he brilliantly undermines all of that in the bizarre ceremony scene in which the freaks accept the beautiful, and now horrified, Cleopatra into their secret community. Plus, the phrase is freaky enough to be used by the Ramones in “Pinhead,” and that’s good enough for me.

This quote is especially creepy given Norman’s particular relationship with his mother’s corpse, but any way you slice it, it’s just not something a normal fella ought to say, especially when he’s trying to impress a girl.

Winner:

“It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

– Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb, from The Silence of the Lambs

The way he uses “it” as a personal pronoun, and the way he says this in nearly perfect lines of iambic tetrameter make it clear that Bill may be crazy, but he’s the Shakespeare of creepy phrasing.

Cheesiest

Bela Lugosi is the gold standard of vampires. Lugosi plays the part with an interesting sense of decadence and dandyism, but this line always strikes me as particularly flamboyant. And if Lugosi’s delivery is cheesy, then Gary Oldman’s delivery of this line 60 years later with that weird accent of his is the mucho-nacho-cheesiest.

I’m pretty sure Mae West used this as a daring, sexy catchphrase in the 1940s. Why anyone would include this in a film half a century later is beyond me. It’s like saying “we’re not in Kansas anymore” (which was actually used in Avatar). People, seriously, stop it!

Winner:

“Welcome to prime time, bitch!”

– Freddy, from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3

The original line was supposed to be “You’re on TV now, girl,” so Englund’s improvisation is a definite improvement. Still, it’s a really goofy thing for anybody to say, especially for a killer who’s supposed to be adept at psychological terror.

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1. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One
2. Welcome to Evil On Two Legs
3. The Crazy Old Kooks of Horror
4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted Part 2
5. The First Victims in Horror Cinema: A Tribute

Catchiest

Arguably one of the most verbal villains in horror, Chop Top’s dialogue is a non-stop series of insane, degenerate, and incredibly catchy one-liners. The band Primus even sampled this particular phrase for their opus “Jerry Was a Race Car Driver.”

I love it that this line was already a famous catchphrase long before the film. But it belongs to Jack Torrence now, forever… and ever… and ever. Much like the way “Helter Skelter” belongs to Manson and not the Beatles.

Winner:

“Groovy.”

– Ash, from Evil Dead II

Nearly every line from this movie is memorable (i.e. “let’s head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch”), but it’s this line that stands out in my mind as capturing the tone and tenor of the film and Ash’s resilient nature so perfectly.

Most Bad Ass

It’s Dennis Hopper’s delivery of this line that makes it so bad ass. The fact that he says this just as he’s flippantly picking his nose somehow makes his character all the more callous. It’s as if he regards the zombies simply as a personal nuisance that stand in the way of his bigger plans and ambitions. Romero’s recurring theme is that humans are no better than the zombies they fight, and Kaufman’s character makes that message all the more clear.

I’ve heard that this line was not part of the film’s script, but was ad-libbed by Rowdy Roddy Piper. This makes sense, as I can’t imagine any screenwriter, no matter how tough, coming up with something so unbelievably bad ass.

Winner:

“I ain’t got time to bleed.”

– Blain, from Predator

The original Predator is so freaking macho that when I watched this as a kid, I’m pretty sure I had to shave the next day. This famous quote from that film should be included in every dictionary under the phrase “bad ass.”

Funniest

Romero turned zombies into a metaphor for cogent social commentary. Dan O’Bannon turned zombies into stand-up comedians.

This film is mostly a long series of one-liners, but this one still makes me laugh every time I hear it. It also perfectly defines Seth’s calculated coolness.

Winner:

“I’m not great at farewells, so, uh… that’ll do, pig.”

– Tallahassee, from Zombieland

I love the way this film combines horror and gore with humor and sentiment. This quote perfectly captures the awkward and strange but ultimately endearing relationship between Tallahassee and Columbus.

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5. Welcome

1. Silent Hill (2006)

West Virginia has seen its share of coal mining tragedies, and there are some truly eerie ghost towns scattered throughout the state. In some cases they are the sad result of post-industrialization and a dwindling economy, and in others the result of the coal mining company that owned the town simply deciding to pull up stakes and leave. Or, in the case of fictitious Silent Hill, West Virginia, it’s the result of a horrible coal-mining accident, nightmarish mutant creatures, murderous religious fanatics and one possessed and pissed off little girl.

2. The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

I’ve lived in West Virginia for a long time, and I’m still a bit confused about the state’s most notorious monster. Sightings of the red-eyed, winged Mothman began in the late 1960s near the West Virginia town of Point Pleasant. Somehow, the creature is connected to an old, World War II era TNT factory where it is usually spotted. Its appearance also coincides with UFO sightings and reports of other apparitions, poltergeists, and paranormal activities. In its most famous sighting, the creature appeared hovering above the Siler Bridge outside of Point Pleasant days before it collapsed, killing forty-six people. Thankfully, The Mothman Prophecies leaves out a number of these odd details, as the film is confusing enough without them. Even though I’ve yet to see the creature, the sight of the Mothman statue in the center of town was well worth the drive to Point Pleasant last summer.

3. Wrong Turn (2003)

Even though this film delves into the worst stereotypes associated with my home state, I am a fan of it. I can’t deny that it features some of the most gratuitously violent and perfectly depraved villains you’re likely to encounter in a horror film. And with names like “Three-Finger,” “Saw-Tooth,” and “One-Eye,” it’s clear that the filmmakers are not going for realism here. This is pure exploitation. And I love it.

4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

The fact that Clarice Starling is from West Virginia is central to this film’s story. She is the allegorical country innocent who must come to grip with the depravity and evil that exists in the larger world. Also, one of the film’s most important scenes takes place in Clay County, West Virginia, where one of Buffalo Bill’s victims is found with a moth stuffed in her mouth. Starling has to deal with not only the gruesome murder, but also with returning to her own troubled roots, a fact made clear in the awkward funeral home scene. The film is really Starling’s coming of age story, a fact not lost on Hannibal Lecter, who takes a profound interest in her growth and potential.

5. The X-Files

Not only does much of the second X-Files movie take place in West Virginia, many of the episodes from the 1990s do as well. Any time the series needed to get away from the urban sprawl of Washington, DC for someplace more private or gothic, they always ended up in West Virginia. The show also featured their own version of the Mothman creature. And one of my favorite villains from the series was Orel Peattie, a mountain man from West Virginia who practiced an Appalachian version of folk magic grounded in this state’s Celtic and Scotch-Irish heritage.

6 Ghost Hunters (Sci-Fi Channel, 2008)

I live in the town of Weston, where not much ever happens to make the news. But all that changed in 2008 when the popular television show Ghost Hunters arrived a few blocks from where I live to film an episode of their show in Weston’s historic Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. Built in 1864 and in operation until the 1990s, the asylum was state-of-the-art for its day, and is one of the largest hand-cut stone masonry buildings in the United States. It’s one of the most impressive and also creepiest buildings you’re likely to see, with seemingly endless stone cells, fallen stairways, spiraling towers, and a basement where I’ve been told the criminally insane were housed. For what it’s worth, the folks from Ghost Hunters declared it officially haunted.

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1. BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007)
The fact that it’s based on a video game, features a vampiric Billy the Kid, and that it’s directed by Uwe Boll are all really good signs that this film is going to suck. It’s not that you can’t mix vampires and cowboys, or that you can’t alter the image of the West’s most infamous outlaw. I love the way Kris Kristofferson plays Billy as a subversive folk hero in Sam Pekinpah’s version of Billy the Kid. I even liked the way Emilio Estevez infused the western legend with a contemporary street-gang ethos. But depicting Billy as the vampire king of a horde of undead cowboys just doesn’t work. Many bad sequels will use their time in space or the Old West to reflect and gain new perspective before returning to the present. Some sequels, such as this one, should stay there and never come back.

2. Jason X (2001)
By the time we got to Jason X, it was clear that the franchise had run out of ideas. Jason had died and been re-animated countless times. He’d been to Manhattan, and he’d been to Hell. So the only thing left was to take him to space. It’s a silly premise, but it kind of works. In particular, the virtual simulation of Crystal Lake is a lot of fun to watch. Ultimately, Jason is a terrestrial creature, but his quick orbit in space did give the franchise a little more breathing room.

3. Hellraiser 4: Bloodline (1996)
My favorite review ofHellraiser: Bloodline puts it this way: “In space, um, no one, um, nevermind.” The film begins in 2127, with flashforwards within flashbacks, and it features things like a giant, laser beam shooting space station called the “Elysium Configuration.” Esoteric would be the academic term for it. Confusing as all hell is probably a better descriptor. Hardcore fans of the franchise like this film because it ties everything together and explains the origins of the various “Configurations.” I find it odd that it took launching Pinhead into orbit to explain it all, but so be it. Call me old-fashioned, but I think the franchise was far better off in that creepy attic from the first installment. Hellraiser 4 did mark the end, in a way, of the franchise, as the rest of the sequels were direct-to-dvd.

4. Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)
Just as it’s a sign that a franchise is in trouble when it moves to the Old West, it’s also a bad sign when a franchise resorts to “origin” stories. In particular, I’m thinking of films such as the altogether lackluster X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but even good films such as Casino Royale prove that the franchise desperately needed the reboot. Tremors 4 in no way lives up to the original, but it isn’t all that bad, and the Old West background makes far more sense and is far more believable than, say, a film that features a Leprechaun in outer space.

5. Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)
A small part of me admires a franchise that so blatantly and recklessly uses every gimmick in the book—a novelty villain, a “bride of” sequel, a Vegas setting, and then the little green bastard is launched into space. And he should have stayed there, out of harm’s way in lunar orbit, or in a fiery trajectory into the heart of the sun, but in the next sequel, he’s back on earth and in “the hood,”and then in the hood again in that film’s follow up. Being a native and resident of the Appalachian mountains, I am a little bit insulted that we haven’t yet seen a Hillbilly Leprechaun.

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5. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)

no one should have to see something like that unprepared, yet there they are… just out in the open where anyone (impressionable children, previously sane adults) can stumble across them while searching for toothpaste, rubbing alcohol or over-priced cherry coke. i can only think of one person that this advertising campaign might be effective on…

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1. “Jeepers Creepers” from Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers?
Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those eyes?
Gosh all git-up, how’d you get so lit up?
Gosh all git up, how’d it get that size?

Undeniably, this is the jazziest song in my list. It’s been covered by everyone from Louis Armstrong to Ella Fitzgerald to Siouxsie and the Banshees. In the film Jeepers Creepers, Trish and Darry are warned by the mysterious psychic Jezelle that whenever they hear the song it means they’re in danger, and that it’s also the key to understanding the mysterious creature called the Creeper. I’m not sure that the song ever really helps in explaining the Creeper, as the only connection between the two seems to be the fact that he has a thing for stealing eyes. But that’s enough for me, as I would have been very disappointed if it turned out that you could dazzle the Creeper into submission with jazz hands.

2. “Hey You!” from The Mummy’s Curse (1944)

Hey, you
With the naughty eye
When you pass us by
We just have to cry
“Hey, you! Yoo-hoo!”

Deep in a Louisiana bayou, the mummy of Princess Ananka is resurrected in the form of beautiful woman when an excavation team exposes her to sunlight. “Cajun Joe,” the team’s foreman, takes her, for some inexplicable reason, to Tante Berthe’s Café where Tante Berthe herself sings the folk classic “Hey You.” The song sets the exotic, alluring mood for the film, and also heralds the imminent demise of both Tante and Cajun Joe. Ananka’s mummified hubby isn’t about to let his ancient bride be subjected to Cajun crooning. Why the mummy is in a Louisiana swamp to begin with is anybody’s guess, as its prequel, The Mummy’s Ghost, ended in Massachussetts. Lon Chaney, Jr. apparently hated this film, and it ended the Mummy franchise at Universal Studios for several decades. Still, I’ve always liked the Cajun vibe of this film.

3. “Your Eyes See But My Shadow” from Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Your eyes see but my shadow
My heart is overflowing
There so much you can learn to love
You’re not content knowing
Tenderly you could see my soul

The current stage version of Phantom gets all the glory, but Robert Englund put aside his striped sweater to play the part of Erik, the brilliant composer turned monster who makes a deal with the devil in exchange for the perfect song for his opera Don Juan Triumphant. Naturally, the deal goes south and his face melts off as soon as the song is complete. The song, called “Your Eyes See But My Shadow,” is lost for decades until an up and coming opera singer needs a break and rediscovers it. To be honest, this film is a pretty lousy version of Phantom, but the song is actually quite good. As is often the case with catchy diddies, anyone who hears it in the film is likely to die in a freak stage accident involving scaffolding and sandbags. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the song is good enough to justify having your face horribly disfigured, it’s undeniably the best part of the film.

4. Freddy’s Lullaby from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.

I don’t know why lullabies are so inherently scary. Perhaps it’s because they remind us of how strange and uncanny sleep really is–something children seem to know, even if adults learn to forget it. Most traditional lullabies have a surreal and even violent subtext that equates sleep with death, or suggest that mysterious things happen during the night when we’re asleep and vulnerable. Wes Craven taps into all of these fears in the original Nightmare, a film that scared me as a kid far worse than other films of that era. That was due in no small part to this creepy lullaby often sung by jump-roping children and always a portent of Freddy’s arrival.

5. “In Dreams” from Blue Velvet (1986)

A candy colored clown they call the Sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
“Go to sleep everything is all right.”

It’s amazing that this film can turn such a classic, if saccharine, song into something so utterly depraved. The sexually ambiguous Ben initially does a bizarre pantomime version of the song, but it’s Frank’s recitation of it to Jeffrey before savagely beating him that makes it so horrifying. He delivers the song’s lyrics, after dosing himself with a powerful hallucinogenic gas, with such emphasis and force that he seems to insist that there’s a hidden message in it, or that it might give Jeffrey the answers he’s looking for. None of this is true, but the fact that Frank thinks so makes him—and the song—all the more frightening.

6. “Nights in White Satin” from Halloween 2 (2009)

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I’d always missed with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore.

In his version of Halloween 2, Rob Zombie uses the classic Moody Blues song to symbolize Michael’s insanity and his powerful attachment to his dead mother. And it means a whole lot of hurt for anyone in the film who hears it. The song is very effective in setting an eerie tone for the film, and Zombie also uses it to establish the film’s use of white as symbol for oblivion. To that end, he also includes an archetypal white horse, which, as he explains at the beginning of the film, is a universal symbol for instinct, purity, rage, chaos and destruction. In much the same way, the television show Twin Peaks used a white horse to symbolize heroin addiction and the loss of reason. In Melville’s Moby Dick, the white whale symbolizes both god and death. None of this is even remotely relevant to John Carpenter’s Halloween or any of his original characters, and I don’t think Rob Zombie gives a rat’s ass. “Nights in White Satin” is still an awesome song though.

7. The cell phone ringtone from One Missed Call (2004)

Being a ringtone, this song has no lyrics at all, but it’s strangely haunting and the kind of tune that gets stuck in your head and you can’t remember where you heard it. The American remake chose inexplicably to use a different song than that used in Takishi Miike’s original, but the Japanese version of the song is far better in my opinion. It reminds me of a child’s music box that’s somehow playing underwater or after it’s been badly damaged. As far as I know, the song is unique to the film, and is not a traditional lullaby. In the world of One Missed Call, hearing this ringtone on your cell phone signals your imminent death, similar to the phone call from The Ring but without the prerequisite of having watched a pretentious art school project on VHS. Here’s a little fact that I didn’t know until writing this post: Corey has this ringtone assigned to my incoming calls on his iPhone.

Related posts:

1. Songs That Should Be Horror Films
2. Pop Music and Horror Films – Part Two

6. plant goo from space, CREEPSHOW

stephen king isn’t much of a director or an actor, but the one exception to this is his incredibly humorous portrayal of simple-minded jordy verrill in CREEPSHOW. jordy is in dire financial trouble (he’s behind on a $200 loan from the bank). he thinks he’s struck gold when he stumbles across a meteorite, reasonably wondering “how much they’ll pay for this up the college?” unfortunately for jordy, the meteorite contains a fast-growing plant-like organism that quickly consumes everything it touches. his home, belongings and eventually even he himself becomes completely covered in the moss-like substance, leaving jordy few options not involving watering himself or trying to get a gig as a chia-pet spokesman. while leading credence to the panspermia theory of how life arose on earth, this story ends rather pessimistically for our planet’s current residents with the organism slowly spreading outward from jordy’s home, destroying and/or covering everything in its path.

5. biollante, GODZILLA VS BIOLLANTE

no one creates and/or revives gigantic, destructive monsters quite like the japanese. see if you can follow this… after a particularly brutal rampage by godzilla, clean-up crews collected several pieces of his skin. a scientist decided it would be a good idea to try to make more resilient and hearty crops by splicing godzilla’s dna found in the skin into plants. other nations disapproved of this obviously brilliant idea, and bombed the japanese scientist’s lab, killing the scientist’s daughter in the process. in a rather sweet (but also creepy) move, the scientist splices his daughter’s dna into a rose bush in the hopes of preserving some aspect of her. years later, with the rose bush dying, the creepy father/scientist decides to try to keep the plant alive by splicing in godzilla’s dna as well (making this a rose/daughter/giant monster bouquet, which is roughly the same thing has having a loving child). unfortunately this doesn’t go so well, and the flower turns into a giant, slobbering monstrosity named biollante, complete with tusks and vines with mouths. godzilla and biollante roll around for a while on model buildings, but the fight ends up roughly a draw with godzilla sinking into the ocean and biollante turning into a bunch of space spores (while not yet confirmed by toho, those spores may have given rise to another of godzilla’s adversaries — space godzilla!). biollante is some-what reminiscent of audrey ii in appearance, but is larger, more dangerous, more mobile and has much less of a singing voice.

4. pods, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS

of all the evil plants listed here, these are probably the least outwardly violent but also the sneakiest. like little green crouching tigers, space pods sit patiently, waiting for you to be at your most vulnerable. once you’re asleep, their creepy little tendrils slink out and digest you, leaving a near perfect duplicate in your place. the resulting ‘pod people’ are identical to the originals, except they are devoid of emotion, are set on world domination, screech a lot and are communist (well, at least metaphorically). approaching the whole taking over the world thing from a “change the system from within” approach is indeed a clever plan, which is surprising given the idea came from a bunch of plant pods. still, you can’t come down too hard on the pods because regardless of which version of the story you watch, their plan seems to be very effective, besting even the likes of david sutherland and jeff goldblum.

3. leaves, THE RELIC

i’ve seen THE RELIC a few times, but i still don’t fully understand the plot. to the best of my understanding, there are these south american leaves that contain a mutating virus. coming into contact with these leaves will slowly turn you into a cgi rhinoceros-thing that tears up museums and has an insatiable hunger for said leaves, human hypothalamuses (hypothalamusi?) and tom sizemore. this creature, known as the mbwun (literal translation: “he who walks on all fours;” more useful loose translation: “he who just ate your brainstem“), is basically the result of a particularly unfunny practical joke the natives play on white men who come into their jungle and try to take their statues. moral of the story? do not go to south america and try to take other people’s statues.

2. trees, THE EVIL DEAD

while most of the plants on our list are content to just take over the world, dissolve you into your base minerals or smash you to a pulp, the kandarian demon possessed foliage of sam raimi’s THE EVIL DEAD kick things up a notch by trying to rape you. i suppose we’re lucky this idea never occurred to audrey 2 or biollante, but that will likely do little to comfort someone when they’re being felt-up by a pine tree. in THE EVIL DEAD, the trees actually leave cheryl alive after their encounter, but no one (not even her brother, ash) believes what happened to her. while the crimes of these trees may pale objectively in comparison to the murderous world-destroying antics of some of the other plants on this list, THE EVIL DEAD trees get our #2 spot because, come on — raping your sister? in terms of evil vegetation, this shit just got personal.

1. vines, THE RUINS

i made THE RUINS my #1 horror film of 2008 and i’m making its central villain #1 on this list as well because THE RUINS didn’t just make plants scary — it made them terrifying. playing off our fears of nature, disease and bodily intrusion, the vines from THE RUINS are the stuff of nightmares. without warning, they can drag you off into some dark, moist area and drink you alive… and that’s if you’re lucky! if you’re not, they’ll slowly grow into a wound, take root within, drive you insane and eat you from the inside out. fun!

so yeah — while you shouldn’t f with any of the plants on this list, personally i’d much rather face a hungry tomato, a druid god, a singing venus fly trap, or even an old-fashioned tree rapin’ before i got anywhere near the ancient architecture loving botanical bastards from THE RUINS.

Related posts:

1. Eleven Horror Movie Plants With Whom You Should Not F
2. Horror Movie Plots That Could Have Been Defused By Someone Not Being a Douchbebag
3. 2010 Evilontwolegs Movie Awards
4. Horror Community Highlights – September 4th, 2009
5. Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards

11. the kingdom plantae, THE HAPPENING

it’s never stated exactly which plants are targeting people with a suicide-inducing neurotoxin, but the implication seems to be just about all of them. scientifically unsound, it’d hard to believe that rose bushes and pine trees both evolved the same toxin simultaneously — but that’s not really this film’s biggest problem. the larger issue is a horror film that asks you to be afraid of chia pets. still, if this were to really happen you would be wise to find a way to appease our new leafy overlords as there appears to be little you could do to avoid the effects of this neurotoxin — except wait a few days for this new evolutionary adaptation to disappear. as they are apparently prone to do, in fantasy worlds designed around m. night shamalamadingdong’s fourth grade understanding of botany.

10. the family tree, POLTERGEIST

take POLTERGEIST as a lesson, kids — if your dad tells you that thing you’re afraid of is nothing to worry about and that you should actually be comforted by it — know that the object of your fear is definitely going to try to eat you. soon. luckily for robbie, the killer tree in the front yard was just a distraction to suck carol anne into the closet of phantasmagorical sucking, but that doesn’t mean that the creepy tree outside your window isn’t dead set on making you into a late night snack. to creepy trees, all you are is a little pajama-clad, blood-filled twinkie.

9. audrey ii, LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

while it isn’t rare for plants on this list to crave human blood, it is unique to this entry that the plant in question can talk, (and in most versions) sing and dance. while audrey ii started off cute enough sucking drops of blood from seymour’s fingers, he/she quickly becomes a force to be reckoned with, demanding more fresh blood and freshly murdered singing dentists to satisfy his/her appetite. while seemingly destroyed before completing his/her plan to spread his/her seeds across the planet in the 1986 film version, audrey ii is more successful in the original stage play, apparently succeeding in killing seymour and starting a world-wide plantegeddon. while this is true of many of the plants on this list, the basic lesson here appears to be “don’t screw around with plants from outer space.”

8. druid tree god, THE GUARDIAN

while the druid tree god may seem like a good buddy to have in the beginning of this film (when the forest stops a nanny from being raped), especially given that its female followers tend to get naked surprisingly often. however, its desire for human infant sacrifices revealed later in the film is probably a deal-breaker. as far as deadliness goes, the druid tree god is actually kind of a push over. just remember to a) not feed it any infants and b) bring a chainsaw.

7. tomatoes, ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES

while many films keep the plant based threat hidden until mid-way through the picture, the threat from tomatoes is stated quite clearly in this film’s opening song. as it says, “they’ll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch, and finish you off for dinner or lunch!” that doesn’t give you a lot of wiggle room for survival, or so it would seem in the earlier parts of this send up of b-movie classics. as it turns out, tomatoes (or at least those of the “killer” variety) share a devastating weakness — they shrink and become incapacitated when they hear the song “puberty love” (or, in at least once case, simply have the sheet music for the song shown to them). while it’s fairly unlikely you’ll be involved in a killer tomato related altercation, it’s probably best to have “puberty love” loaded on your ipod, just in case.

keep your roundup handy for next week, when we count down the final six plants that you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark greenhouse.

Related posts:

1. Eleven Horror Movie Plants With Whom You Should Not F (part 2)
2. Horror Movie Plots That Could Have Been Defused By Someone Not Being a Douchbebag
3. Jon’s Holiday Horror Movie Revue
4. 2010 Evilontwolegs Movie Awards
5. Clues Your Movie Is From 1977

One of the most intriguing packages we’ve ever received at Evil On Two Legs came addressed to Corey Feldman. Of course, there is a Corey who writes for Eo2L, but unfortunately he’s not Fel-dawg. I was even more intrigued when I saw that this package contained a review copy of a new, independent film called Zombeak!. However, I’ve been disappointed more times than I care to recall by independent films that have amateur camera work, poor lighting, cornball dialogue, and little entertainment value. Still, when you’re called upon to review a film in the name of Corey Feldman, you answer that call, mister. And I’m glad I did, because Zombeak! is one of the most original and fun movies I’ve seen all year.

In the film, a gang of Satanists kidnaps Melissa, a sassy southern waitress, to be their dark lord’s sacrificial bride. But they bungle the job so badly that the devil is forced to take the form of a chicken. This might sound like your typical b-grade camp, but the unique and well-acted characters make this film work. The Satanists include a sultry temptress who’s just itching for some demonic loving, a wimpy goth kid whose heart really isn’t in any of this, a flamboyant leader who simply loves the theatrics of it all, and a hairy, muscled behemoth in a pink t-shirt with gender-identity issues and whose motivations are anybody’s guess. The rednecks who rally to rescue Melissa include her boyfriend Bobby Ray who refuses to fight the Satanists because he’s afraid of going to hell “for hitting retards,” the manager of the Cooters fried chicken restaurant where Melissa works, and Bobby Ray’s bible-spewing, head-cracking older brother who commands us all to “worship less chicken, more Jesus.”

You could argue that Zombeak! is a parody of stereotypes or religious fundamentalism, but that’s really beside the point. The film has no pretensions whatsoever. And I love that. And while this film probably isn’t going to scare you, or even gross you out, it is irreverent and quirky. The cast and crew obviously care about the film they’re making, and they have a lot of fun doing so. And all of that translates into a very entertaining 72 minutes.

In fact, I was so impressed by Zombeak!, that I sent some questions to writer/director Sam Drog, who was kind enough to offer his responses below.

Eo2L: Zombeak! is a lot of fun to watch because you so obviously love the horror genre, and it shows in every frame of your film. I could detect the influences of Candy Man, The Evil Dead, and an homage or two to Ed Wood,especially in the Tor-esque character Samuel/Lucy. What other films influenced Zombeak!?

Sam Drog: The big influences on this are John Waters and Mario Bava. I love what both of those guys did with no money, and John Water’s dialogue is just so damn good, and then you mix in Mario Bava for the look. And especially Vascara is a homage to Barbara Steele in Black Sunday. Love me some Bava. When in doubt; rip off Bava. So the Dark Shadows tv soap was also floating around in there, and Roger Corman. But necessity was the real influence. Make something.

I took your film as a kind of parody of religious fanaticism. The evil Satanists turn out to be pushovers, the devil is a chicken, and Fasmagger struck me as a crazy, bible-spewing parody of right-wing fundamentalist. Is that a fair assessment, or am I reading way too much into a movie about a demonic chicken?

Yeah, that is in there, but I tried to keep it locked up in the background. I really wanted the good guys to be fascists and the evil guys to be intellectuals. That is sort of the gist of a lot of movies. There is a bit about belief and how that clouds your humanity sometimes. The evil chicken represents war-torn Europe.

When it comes to chickens, do you prefer dark or light meat? The McChicken or the BK Broiler?

The darkest meat, soaked in the blood of panic! BK Broiler for it was baptized by an inferno of industrial fire! I know, I used to work at Burger King. That is the true hell.

I think Zombeak! is a wonderful testament to low-budget, do-it-yourself film-making. What’s the one thing you’ve learned that you wish you could go back and tell yourself before starting Zombeak!?

It’s only a movie, it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie. Also, have a definite schedule for post production and stick to it. Have an exit strategy. Once you are in the mouth of madness it can be hard to find your way out.

Which came first, the story of Zombeak! or its title?

The movie was going to be called Voodoo Chicken at first, but Voodoo ain’t all bad. I figured no one would care if I made fun of Satanists. If Satanists are sensitive about that, well there you go, my point exactly. Go cry on a goat.

Unless I’m sadly mistaken, Zombeak! is not a re-make of an older film. What is your opinion of the seemingly endless stream of horror film remakes?

I suppose the filmmakers that spent their lives in the trenches, sweated and bled over these now classic films ARE getting their piece of the action too. John Carpenter is hilarious because he just comes out and says as long as he gets paid a lot of money, who cares? So if the icons of horror, the Romeros, the Hoopers, and the rest are able to get a pay day where all they have to do is sit back and count their money, I say go for it. They’ve suffered enough. Let them enjoy some restitution for being called hacks their whole lives. Who’s laughing now?

THE FACT THAT ALL THE REMAKES SUCK! is just more proof how with all the money in the world, the big shots in Hollywood can’t recapture that passion, that lightning in the bottle achieved by the outsiders who with nothing went out and created the modern horror genre. I think it is hysterical that with all their toys and bells and whistles can’t make a descent chainsaw maniac movie. There is no do or die in the remakes. In the originals, it was hail Mary passes to keep them from working at the hardware store the rest of their lives. The desperation and discomfort and passion part of the vibe in those films. The remakes don’t have that feeling.

The “Cooters” restaurant is obviously modeled after “Hooters,” but I noticed that Cooters served southern fried chicken and mashed potatoes instead of chicken-wings. What’s up with that?

Our one continuity error, good eye!

Melissa may be a smoking hot “Cooters” waitress, but she’s not your stereotypical dumb blond or coy final girl. She’s strong and sassy and quickly takes charge of the situation. Is her character a deliberate statement about the male-oriented horror genre or its frequent depictions of feminine victimization? Or am I once again reading too much into a film about a possessed chicken?

Girls are smarter then guys, have a higher pain threshold, and look better holding an ax. I modeled her character after Frenchy from Forbidden Zone, who just insulted her captors the entire time. Also Reese Witherspoon from Freeway. Both the women in Zombeak! are much more the catalysts then the guys. Plus, it’s more fun to write one liners for tough chicks.

What is the craziest/funniest/strangest thing to happen during the production of Zombeak!?

The house we shot in was infested with squatters that we had to run out, and then scrape their feces off the floor before shooting. It was strange just being on the set, with the baby heads and upside down crosses everywhere. It was a weird vibe every day. Like walking around in a cartoon. We are cutting together the documentary now. We are releasing it as a series of webisodes called Behind the Beak. Here’s the Youtube channel.

I’m the guy in the green jacket.

What are you working on now?

Clown Versus Monkey, coming in Halloween 2010. I’m preselling the DVD to raise the budget. Check it out!

Best Horror Film Ever?

Carnival of Souls

Which is better, Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness?

Evil Dead 2, it gave us chainsaw hand, nothing anyone ever comes up with will be as cool as chainsaw hand.

Freddy or Jason?

Jason. He is a wall of evil. A force of nature. Freddy is all magic and shit.

My Bloody Valentine 3D or Friday the 13th (2009)?

BV3D, it had Tom Atkins, it should win Best Picture just for having the good taste to do that.

Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 or The Final Destination 3-D?

I’m torn! I really DON’T KNOW! FD3D. Zombie must be punished for remaking Halloween. We shouldn’t encourage him. However, I am looking forward to El Superbeasto.

Transformers, Cloverfield, The Dark Knight, District 9. Rank from “awesome” to “totally awesome.”

I’m out of the loop, but the best three movies of ‘08 for me were Doomsday, Dark Knight, and Death Race. ‘Cause I’m all classy like that.

Related posts:

1. Welcome to Evil On Two Legs
2. Horror Community Highlights – December 6, 2009
3. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)

1. Anaconda (1997)
I’m not sure why I’ve never seen this movie, as I recall seeing a pretty cool trailer involving a lithe and wicked-looking snake whipping around a boat. And I know that it stars some venerable actors, including Jon Voight, and that rapper who sang “Mama Said Knock You OUT.” Maybe it’s this connection to rap music that’s kept me from seeing it. Don’t’ get me wrong, I like rap as much as the next guy, but being a child of the 80s, I can’t help but think of the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” whenever I hear the word “Anaconda.” It’s just part of my subconscious now. So thank you very much Sir Mix-A-Lot. You’ve kept me from seeing what I’m sure is one of the better films ever made about a giant reptile eating Angelina Jolie’s father.

2. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
I like The Omen, The Exorcist, The Prince of Darkness, The Ninth Gate, The First Power, The Car, The Devil’s Advocate, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, and I even kind of like Bedazzled and My Demon Lover. The first song I remember loving as a kid is Charlie Daniels’ “The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Let’s face it, the Devil is just plain interesting. Add in the fact that this is one of the seminal films from legendary and controversial director Roman Polanski, and it’s ludicrous that I haven’t seen Rosemary’s Baby. I know little about the film except that it stars Mia Farrow, so if Woody Allen is the demonic father of her onscreen hell baby, I’ll kick myself even harder for not seeing this.

3. An American Werewolf In Paris (1997)
One of the things I love about An American Werewolf In London is its strange and unsettling mixture of horror and comedy. I imagine that the Parisian sequel has even more hijinks than the original, with plenty of characters comically slipping on banana peels and whatnot. I’ll wager that the story goes something like this: a romance develops between an all-American wolf-boy and a young French waif, but their relationship is doomed after an inane but tenacious French detective stumbles upon the mutilated, half-eaten body of a well-loved mime.

4. Stir Of Echoes (1999)
This is a film I’ve had in limbo at the bottom of my Netflix queue for years now. I’ve always heard that it’s a pretty good ghost story featuring Kevin Bacon. If I remember correctly, I think the film is about an all-American town haunted by the tragic deaths of some high school kids who were drinking and driving after their box social. Kevin Bacon plays the part of a strange newcomer who must cleanse this town of its ghosts through the power of rock ‘n’ roll and the sheer force of his furious dancing.

5. Dog Soldiers (2002)
The only reason this film is on my list is because my co-writer, Corey, suggested that I include it. I have never seen a trailer for this film, read any reviews of this film, or even heard anyone mention this film until he did. So I figured it must be a film along the lines of Ginger Snaps—a really good film that somehow never got the mainstream attention it deserved. But Corey seemed amazed I’d never seen it, so it must be some kind of mega-hit that I just somehow missed. Apparently, you can even buy Dog Soldiers action figures. And, as Corey pointed out to me, there are no Ginger Snaps action figures (but I say there should be).

6. Dead Alive (aka Braindead) (1992)
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I knew him from Heavenly Creatures, his superbly crafted film about the tenderness and cruelty of adolescent obsessions. Apparently, he also made splatter films about zombies and aliens, and one of them, so I’ve been told, features muppets. I REALLY hope it’s Dead Alive, because I think undead muppets would be a wonderful way to introduce kids to the delightful world of re-animated corpses ushering in the apocalypse.

7. Cujo (1983)
I’ve loved gore films since I was a kid, but I can’t stomach the idea of a dog being injured or hurt in a film. I just about had to stop watching I Am Legend because of that terrible scene involving his dog. So maybe that’s why I‘ve avoided Cujo. I also haven’t read Stephen King’s novel, so I’m really in the dark about this one. Of course, “Cujo” has now become a synonym for “vicious dog,” so I think I’ve got the gist of the story: man’s best friend turns out to be not so friendly after all. I’m pretty sure they used a St. Bernard for the film, and I imagine it’s pretty scary, as they’re big dogs, and usually very friendly and trustworthy. However, I think it would be even scarier to be attacked by a gang of very small dogs, say, beagles or pugs.

8. White Zombie (1932)
I love classic black and white horror films. I think James Whale’s Bride of Frankenstein is just as savvy and sophisticated as anything being made today. I also love zombies. So, once again, I’m at a loss as to why I’ve not yet seen what is credited as being the first zombie film. And it features the original bad-boy of horror, Bela Lugosi. I don’t know exactly what his particular role in the film entails, but I’ve seen stills of his character, and those big, bushy eyebrows and fu Manchu beard are strangely hypnotic. I’m also pretty sure that Rob Zombie’s band White Zombie took its name from this film, so I bet the immaculately coiffed Lugosi is the real inspiration for Rob’s ongoing fascination with long-haired villains, heroes, and every other character type.

9. Prom Night (1980)
I’ve heard the remake of this film really stinks. But I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t seen either one. I know that it’s an important slasher film, and I’ve heard it described as the unofficial sequel to Halloween, largely due to the fact that it features Jamie Lee Curtis as its final girl. I’m sure this film is as good as everyone says, but I don’t think you need to throw a homicidal maniac into the mix to make prom night scary. They’re inherently terrifying events, what with all those awkward teenage boys in their ill-fitting tuxedos and girls in their big, poofy, southern antebellum prom dresses. And I think 1980, in particular, must have been really tough on proms because it was a lousy year for music. Disco was still around, and a lot of music’s best and brightest tragically died in 1980, including Ian Curtis of Joy Division, Darby Darsh of the Germs, Bon Scott of AC/DC, John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, and, of course, John Lennon. And that’s horrifying enough.

10. Black Christmas (1974)
I’m especially embarrassed that I haven’t seen this one, as it’s one of those films that slasher fans constantly reference. I suppose it’s kind of like being a football fan who never watches the Superbowl. I have, however, seen Silent Night, Deadly Night, so I’m not completely in the dark when it comes to violent yuletide films. I know that Olivia Hussey stars in Black Christmas, and I think it must have killed her career. She was brilliant in her portrayal of youthful naiveté and unabashed sexuality in Franco Zeffirelli’s iconic 1968 film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet. But I don’t think her career ever really went anywhere after 1974. And this makes me wonder all the more about what horrible things Santa must have done to her in Black Christmas. I bet it involves something nasty from that big sack of toys he carries around and the repeated use of the phrase “naughty.”

Related posts:

1. Films That Defined My Childhood
2. Great Horror Films That I Will Never See Again
3. The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids
4. The First Victims in Horror Cinema: A Tribute
5. Horror Community Highlights – October 2nd, 2009

poultrygeist: night of the chicken dead
it is remarkable how little troma films have changed over the years. it would be almost impossible to place them in any kind of chronological order without the help of imdb. even the company graphic at the beginning of each one hasn’t changed with the years. there’s something charming about that timelessness of troma’s films, and poultrygeist is no exception. the major difference here is that it’s a musical, but everything else is as it’s always been. the same reliance on potty humor, extreme violence, nudity and tongue-in-cheek shock tactics are abundant. as always, the story plays out like a three stooges routine with copious amounts of blood, feces and breasts. i don’t know how they do it, but poultrygeist even has that same grungy film quality that one immediately associates with troma films. i imagine at this point they just shoot their films normally then run all the footage through some aftereffects plugin to give it that characteristic look that makes you feel like you need a shower. anyway, terror firmer was always my favorite of kaufman’s creations… until now. poultrygeist is by far the best troma film i’ve ever seen. sure, as in all troma films, much of the humor centers around hurling turds at the camera… but these are smart turds. mixed in with the 5th grade level bathroom humor is some biting satire on corporate america and relationships and, most notably, some damn catchy music. unlike the other recent horror musical, repo, this film actually features some songs with melodies and hooks, many of which you’ll find yourself humming days later. if you’re a fan of troma in the slightest, then definitely give poultrygeist a look.

gutterballs
gutterballs is another film from ryan “live feed” nicholson and, as hard as it is to believe, it’s even worse than live feed. this film is a tedious, mean-spirited endurance test of bad writing, acting and direction. however, in the interest of full disclosure, i must divulge that i’m predisposed to disliking nicholson’s films. one of my favorite podcasts (details here, including links to the relevant episodes). regardless of whether i liked live feed or not, i lost a lot of respect for nicholson due to his unprofessional reaction to criticism. (coincidentally, this was at roughly the same time notlp gave a similarly negative review to kevin kangas’ fear of clowns, which prompted kevin to also write them and tell them how much he enjoyed their review, which is an example of how to handle such things gracefully).

however, i honestly believe i would hate gutterballs regardless of who was responsible for its existence. this is a film that includes (at least what feels like) a 20 minute long rape scene, ending with the girl being violated by the larger end of a bowling pin. the scene is obviously meant to be shocking, but it’s horribly undercut by inappropriate vaginal shots during the rape and even before (the victim inexplicably wears no underwear early in the film, showing off her bits each times she leans over to bowl). these shots are meant to titillate, but fail on all levels and further, make the victim unsympathetic and irritating. not that that’s out of place here, as every character is annoying beyond belief and most do little more than scream shrilly and rattle off inane dialogue, most of which is comprised almost entirely of the word ‘fuck.’ gutterballs does feature some impressive special effects and copious amounts of gore, but overall the film feels like the feverish masturbatory fantasy of a mal-adjusted 12-year-old. when you read a description of the film’s plot, it may sound like something troma would create — a cartoony slasher with lots of violence, nudity and vulgar humor. however, if we were to transmogrify a troma film like poultrygeist into human form, it would be your buddy who occasionally drinks a little too much and makes off-color jokes, but is usually fun to have around and, gosh, when he tells that story about pooping his pants at the mall, you always cry with laughter. gutterballs, on the other hand, given human shape, would be your creepy uncle that you wish wouldn’t come to family reunions, likes to talk about his extensive porn collection and you’re afraid to leave alone with your sister. unless you happen to be a creepy uncle yourself, i’d recommend staying away from gutterballs.

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below is my list of the 2008′s ten best horror films. while there’s some general agreement amongst fans on films like inside and the happening, 2008 was a strange year in that it saw many releases that elicited very polar reactions from the horror community. many of the films that made my top ten can be seen in other site’s list of the year’s worst. even within the same site (e.g., bloody-disgusting), many of the films that appear on one writer’s best list also show up on another’s list of the worst. all i can say is that this list represents the ten films from this year that i enjoyed most… stories that drew me in and/or gave me the wiggins might not do the same for you, but i think all of the films listed here deserve a watch from anyone interested in the horror genre.

#10

[rec]

another in the recently revived ‘found footage’ genre, [rec] is a film from spain that documents a small-scale zombie outbreak in an apartment building. an ambitious news reporter and her camera man frame the story, giving the filming of the entire event a feeling of reality lacking in most films of this type (e.g., why did heather donahue feel compelled to continue filming throughout her ordeal?). less ambitious (but also less pompous and pretentious) than diary of the dead, [rec] is a far more visceral experience than romero’s similar take on the genre. i have yet to the see the american remake quarantine, but i hear it is almost a shot-for-shot retelling of the story — so i’m confident in saying that i’ll enjoy it when it makes it to dvd.

#8

inside (à l’intérieur)

i’d heard that inside was a rather grotesque film. about half way into this film’s rather short running time i was all, “hey, i don’t see what the big deal is.” boy did that last half prove me wrong.

this is a messed up little french movie about a messed up little french lady who really wants a baby. unfortunately, the baby belongs to another little french lady who hasn’t so much given birth to the baby yet as hasn’t. home invasion, multiple murders and torture ensues, resulting in a bizarre and rather disturbing climax. likely even more disturbing for pregnant women, women planning on getting pregnant, people who know pregnant women, or people whose mothers were ever pregnant. another little buttery croissant of horror further solidifying france as a force to be reckoned with in the genre. highly recommended.

#6

frontière(s)

i just realized six of my top ten films are foreign (seven if you count funny games, a remake of a foreign film by the same director). what’s up america? hopefully having obama in the white house, in addition to the unicorns and happiness and candy corn for everyone that we’re expecting, will also bring with it something that inspires some much-needed creativity in the horror-related corners of hollywood.

anyway, yeah. back to frontier(s). this is another nasty french film cut from the same bloody cloth as the texas chainsaw massacre. a group of fleeing thieves (including one who is pregnant… what’s with the french and pregnant women being tortured?) take refuge at a bed & breakfast that isn’t run by the stereotypical nice old couple, but instead by a family of nazi cannibals. as you would expect, the predictable hilarity ensues. less psychological and more action oriented than inside, both films are still probably equal on the ‘gruesomeness’ scale. the film’s climax really puts the final girl through her paces too… this is no simple “run through the woods, put on a crusty old sweater and swing a machete” american slasher film obstacle course — this french girl really has to work to get her final girl credentials.

#4

black water

when i heard the guy who did wolf creek was making a killer alligator film, i couldn’t wait. then i saw rogue and was largely underwhelmed… how did the disturbing and subversive tone of wolf creek transform into the castrated, audience friendly hollywood-ized (but admittedly, still fun) antics of rogue? it did whet my appetite for more gator action though, so i put black water in my netflix queue. as it turns out, black water is exactly what i was expecting when i heard about rogue… it’s bleak, frightening and humorless. imagine open water in the swamp. there are no giant cgi crocs to be found and no silly heroics or sappy hollywood endings. despite stiff competition from rogue (and rather flacid competition from the abysmal lake placid 2), this is the alligator movie of the year.

#2

the strangers

apparently this is not a remake of the french film ils (them), but i find that very hard to believe given the similarities. regardless, the strangers surpasses that film in every respect. creepy, moody and unrelenting — the strangers touches on the same fears as funny games — home invasion and torture. the strangers is much scarier though, and just as disturbing. and my god — that mask! apart from those based on the face of william shatner (michael myers’) or borrowed from my favorite sport (jason’s mask), this film features the scariest mask in horror film history.

honorable mentions: i really liked all the boys love mandy lane, but it wasn’t released this year. again. even though it was completed in 2006. the weinstein’s really need to decide what to do with this film and get it out already. i also saw repo: the genetic opera, but despite it being a downright gorgeous film and my love of musicals of this type (e.g., dr. horrible and the rocky horror picture show) — i’m afraid to admit (particularly given its near-universal critical acclaim), it just didn’t do it for me. maybe once i experience it in the theater (as it was intended), i’ll reconsider my opinion…

bonus list: best horror video games of 2008

#3

silent hill: homecoming

i was concerned the creepiness and undefinable “silent hill-iness” of the silent hill franchise would suffer when it moved to an american studio. i need not have been concerned.

#2

dead space

story wise, dead space borrows (read: steals) liberally from the thing and, even more-so, event horizon… but it does so extremely well. furthermore, it features the best user interface in recent memory and is one of the prettiest games ever released.

#1

left 4 dead

valve + co-op play + the inevitable zombie apocalypse we all know is coming. nothing had a chance of topping that.

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1. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
2. Corey’s Worst of 2008
3. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
4. Horror Remakes By The Same Director
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching — Needs More Cowbell Edition

Honorable Mentions

Despite Corey’s strong verbal and physical protests, I didn’t include Re-Animator in my list. I love Stuart Gordon. I love the entire Re-Animator franchise. But, truth be told, I don’t think it’s his best Lovecraft adaptation, and I thought I should limit this list to only two selections from his work. Dagon does a better job of capturing Lovecraft’s atmospheric weirdness that permeates nearly every sentence of his prose, while From Beyond does a better job of reflecting Lovecraft’s obsession with treating human flesh and sexuality as grotesque and dangerous terrains. Another work that didn’t make this list is Doug Bradley’s adaptation of “The Outsider.” It’s not actually a film, but Bradley’s reading of the entire story with an original soundtrack, visuals, and animation in the background. Bradley’s voice-acting is incredible, as are the visuals. It’s refreshing that Bradley pays such careful tribute to Lovecraft’s actual text, and I’ve never seen a film come this close to bringing Lovecraft’s work to life. You really have to see it and hear it to believe it. So check out the free preview of the work here.

Lovecraft fans can’t go wrong with any of the films mentioned above. Sadly, however, not all Lovecraft adaptations end up as successful as these. In my next installment on Lovecraft-inspired films, I’ll bravely delve into what consider the worst Lovecraft inspired film adaptations, a list which includes one of the most pathetic Saw knock-offs made thus-far, and a film featuring killer vegetables.

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dario argento’s the phantom of the opera (1998) looked to be tailor-made for my fiancée and i. the last few weeks i’ve been on an argento kick, but i’ve been watching them by myself since she’s not the biggest fan of horror films to begin with — let alone surreal, incoherent italian ones. she is, however, a huge fan of the phantom of the opera, whether it be the musical or a straight narrative version. so when she mentioned she’d added the argento version to her netflix queue, it seemed almost too perfect to be true — a giallo version of her favorite story; this was going to be great!

and, in a way… it was. but probably not for the reason argento intended. i doubt he hoped his audience would laugh through the whole thing and rewind scenes because they can’t actually believe what they saw is as ridiculous as what they thought they saw. i must admit, the experience of watching the film was largely entertaining — but the film itself is not. this is a bad, bad film and you should stay far, far away from it. argento fans will hate it. phantom fans will hate it. unless your name is asia argento, you will hate it. watching it would only leave you feeling puzzled and that you’d wasted a spot in your netflix queue… but luckily, you don’t need to watch it. i already have.

Netflix Description: Italian horror master Dario Argento puts his macabre stamp on Gaston Leroux’s story of a madman living inside an opera house. Though not physically disfigured this time around, the Phantom (Julian Sands) harbors internal scars, having been raised by telepathic rats in the opera house basement. The musically talented Phantom finds his muse — and object of obsession — in a talented, young singer named Christine (Asia Argento, Dario’s daughter).

if i’d read this description before watching this film, i doubt i’d have been as surprised when things took a turn for the craptastic. there are more than a few red flags contained in this short paragraph. ‘not physically disfigured’ is a pretty big one. what kind of opera phantom isn’t scarred? removing the physical disfigurement removes one of the big reasons for the phantom to need to live in secrecy under an opera house. this quickly moves the phantom from the ‘romantic, tragic hero’ category into the ‘homeless, weirdo stalker’ one.

the biggest red flag, though, is contained in two small words: telepathic rats.

really, dario? that’s the best you could come up with? the phantom was raised by a family of psychic vermin? the film opens with baby-phantom being sailed down the river, moses style. the oh-so-realistic-looking rats drag the baby off. we’re left with no real explanation of what happened between that moment and the phantom’s adult life, but i like to believe the rats stuck him in a johnny jump-up made of dirty rags and fed him nothing but gorgonzola for 35 years.

next we meet christine (asia argento) who, you know, can’t act. or sing. she can, however, show her nipples through her skanky french dress in her daddy’s big movie, so i suppose that will have to do. she does a lot of lip syncing to a real opera singer’s voice… although, to my untrained ears, even the dubbed voice often sounded like a dying cat. i can only imagine what the actual sound coming out of asia’s mouth sounded like on the set.

the phantom (julian sands in full rockstar-desperately-in-need-of-pert-plus mode) instantly falls in love with christine after seeing her dress and hearing her sing scales for 10 seconds. he soon becomes jealous of christine’s other suitor, a character whose name i can’t recall and am not going to bother to look up, but who looks a lot like prince.

soon after that, we get the film’s biggest “wtf!?!” moment. we catch a glimpse inside the phantom’s troubled mind and see two distinct images… the first is fairly predictable and completely solidifies the phantom as a character with pure motives — he imagines christine in an even skankier outfit apparently made out of a ball of tangled yarn (perhaps a rather dumb cat/rat metaphor?) coaxing him towards her. and then comes the shot we rewound quite a few times… we see that the phantom is imagining a bunch of people dressed in pink leotards trapped on a flaming mousetrap. not much else i can add to that visual, so i won’t try.

phantom of the opera gets far more predictable at that point as the phantom starts killing lots and lots of people in really unrealistic and gruesome ways, usually for little to no reason. the film also features a lot of nudity and has at least one really graphic sex scene where julian sands’ creepy buttocks get to do lots of thrusting against asia (a scene which becomes even creepier when you remember the film’s director is her father). there’s also a bizarre scene where the prince guy goes to an orgy and attacks a bowl of fruit with his cane for no discernible reason and another where a rat catcher is compelled to push his own hand down on the spikes of a rat trap (this is the only scene i recall where the rats demonstrated their telepathic skills).

when not looking at herself in the mirror, screeching or taking her clothes off, asia likes to wear hats with different dead animals glued to the front.

there’s also a surreal subplot involving the rat catcher and his midget assistant. they collect the tails of every rat they kill and keep them in formaldehyde. in an effort to boost the production of rodent-tail-filled jars, the rat catcher builds a tiny brass car very reminiscent of gene wilder’s wonkamobile (the one that went through the wonkawash). this car is outfitted with vacuum hoses and spinning blades and seats two comfortably. in the rat catcher’s defense, when they try the car out, it seems to work remarkably well… although i’m not sure what kind of rats simply line up along a path and don’t scamper away when a huge, loud machine to come along and suck them up. all seems well in the rat catcher’s world until the car crashes, decapitating his already vertically challenged assistant by one of the aforementioned spinning blades.

i believe the film ends with the phantom being shot and/or drowned to death while christine escapes with prince. i can’t recall exactly because i was still in shock from a scene late in the film where christine discovers the phantom’s ‘family.’ she peeks into the phantom’s secret lair and sees him covered in rats. the phantom removes his shirt in a rather suggestive way, allowing the rats to crawl all over his chest. in one of the most merciful cuts in cinematic history, we cut to christine’s reaction just as julian starts unbuttoning his pants and a rat begins moving in that direction.

so, that’s it. one of the classic characters of horror reduced to a creepy, oily, long-haired stalker whose interests range from bad opera singing to bestiality.

terrific. way to go, italy. i hope you’re proud of yourself.

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I was excited about seeing Cloverfield in a way that I haven’t been in years. Perhaps it was because of all the hype surrounding the film, as fanboys and girls across the net were heralding it as the first truly American Godzilla and as one of the most intriguing and innovative monster films in decades. And I’m a sucker for monster films. I loved the simplicity and b-grade savvy of Slither, and the parody and allegory of The Host. Of course, I know that hype shouldn’t affect your judgment of a film’s quality, but I couldn’t help but be a little disappointed by Cloverfield.

The film is presented as footage recovered after a giant monster has terrorized and destroyed the Big Apple. The footage is now presumably being used by government officials trying to sort out the details of the disaster. The contents of the film were recorded by a hand held camera, and the film begins by allowing us get to know the unlucky kids who made the video before the real star of the film stomps its way through the city. While the monster is interesting, if reticent and camera-shy, the human characters are largely unlikeable. During the film’s long and unnecessary exposition, we learn that young Rob, the film’s protagonist, has just slept with his supposed best friend Beth. Rob has, of course, been in love with Beth since the beginning of their friendship, but he’s never had the gumption to express himself until now. To make matters worse, he’s about to leave the country without resolving the situation, but only after his best buds throw him a party, all of which is carefully filmed and documented by his dimwitted friend Hud. At the party, Rob confronts Beth after she arrives with a date, they fight, and Beth goes back to her apartment, leaving Rob to brood all by himself. All of this comes across as typical teenage soap-opera blather, and, like his co-stars, Rob is far too naïve and annoying to be accepted as the tragic figure he’s supposed to be.

Thankfully, the melodrama comes to an abrupt halt just as the film is about to turn into a film-length amateur video version of The O.C. or One Tree Hill. A blackout disrupts Rob’s farewell party, followed by a series of loud explosions, ominous smoke, and the distant rumblings of something far more sinister. As the stunned New Yorkers make their way to the streets, they realize the gravity of the situation when the Statue of Liberty’s charred and clawed head crashes into the street before them. It’s an amazing effect, as are many of the action sequences that follow in which Rob risks life and limb to make his way back to Beth’s apartment because she called him earlier to say that she’s injured and unable to move. Along the way, Rob narrowly avoids being stomped, crushed, burned, eaten alive, and shot by the military, with Hud and his camera dutifully tagging along to record it all while offering lots of “hey dude”-style narration. We see just enough of the creature to pique our curiosity, and we never really learn what it is or why it’s there. It’s an effective technique, and it puts us directly into the action of the film.

The problem is that all of this spectacle really amounts to very little substance or story. Of course, there are some blatant, ham-fisted allusions to 9/11, especially in the horrific image of people on the street fleeing from thick bellows of dark smoke, and Beth’s toppled apartment building, but neither the visceral panic of 9/11, nor its lingering after-effects are explored with any depth in this film in the way that Godzilla explores the decades-long fear and pain caused by the atomic bomb, or in the way that The Host critiques an aggressive American foreign policy that continues to exploit the Asian continent. Even the blatantly campy, b-grade film Slither manages to tell a thoroughly charming story about relationships and small-town life.

However, I’ll admit that it probably isn’t fair to compare Cloverfieldto its predecessors, as this is a different kind of film altogether. For example, the film’s lack of on-screen substance derives from its interest in exploring a new kind of realism. The Blair Witch Project popularized this nearly a decade ago, but Cloverfieldmay very well have perfected it. The found-footage technique in Cloverfieldis often seamless, although not even the most hardened and veteran documentary-maker would keep the camera rolling for as long as Hud manages to. Whatever mental aberration compels him to keep the film rolling can’t be healthy, but the film deftly ignores this fact, and when the technique works, it’s compelling to see this level of cinema verite. Sometimes while watching it, I felt less like a movie-goer and more like part spectator, voyeur, and participant in the film’s action. This technique also puts the audience in charge of determining the significance and meaning of what we have just witnessed, just as we would if we stumbled across the found footage.

In itself, the attempt at this kind of realism is hardly new, but the film’s relationship to its audience is indicative of a new spirit animating this decade’s cinema. Much like the The Blair Witch Project’s clever use of a fake documentary about the supposedly real history of the Blair Witch released weeks before the actual film, Cloverfield utilized an aggressive, viral marketing campaign, possibly the largest of its kind, in which fans, even before the actual name of the film was released, could download wallpapers of the now famous image of a headless statue of liberty, watch trailers that only gave hints of the film’s true subject, speculate about the film in blogs, and find clues and supplemental videos and material in an dazzling assortment of both official and fan-based websites. Through clues found only online, intrepid fans eventually learned that the monster is actually a lost infant looking for its mother, and that the sinister Japanese manufacturer of Slusho! soft drinks is somehow involved in it all. New characters in the story have even been introduced online, and new plot threads and theories have been offered or uncovered, all of which is undoubtedly leading to Cloverfield 2.

This is similar to the technique used to supplement the already brilliantly cryptic show Lost (J.J. Abrams, the producer and driving force behind Cloverfield, is Lost’s executive producer) with “webisodes,” puzzles, and a host of online clues that keep fans, myself included, in a state of near paranoid hysteria. It might not deepen the underlying human drama or spiritual allegory implicit in the show’s narrative by going online to learn that the name of the funeral parlor in last year’s finale is an anagram for “flash forward,” but it’s a fun game to play and it makes fans of the show feel less like passive spectators and more like active participants. Cloverfield’s actual story might be too superficial, but the kind of extended, networked mode of story-telling in which the narrative is dispersed and gradually uncovered in multiple forms of media has never been possible until now.

Cloverfield challenges the old-fashioned auteur theory of film-making, which assumes that a single director, and not the actors, editors, special-effects experts, or, heaven-forbid, the audience, determines the film’s meaning. Hitchcock perfected this kind of film with his deliberate, frame-by-frame orchestration, and his famous, albeit tongue-in-cheek, declaration that actors are like cattle and simply need to be told where to stand and what to say. Films such as Cloverfieldsuggest that this might be an outdated model. On its surface , at least, and in terms of its story-telling, it has no author, no authority governing its sequences—its content is seemingly raw, real, and provided by either the actual characters in the story, or found online by fans. This is all an illusion, and a credit to the film’s clever use of both camera technique and marketing strategy. In many ways Cloverfieldis the perfect film for the age of online social networking, a technology that many have been heralding as a democratizing force in American media. With YouTube, for instance, you do not simply watch or consume the content, you provide the content, share it with friends, and, in some cases, become the content. Cloverfieldstrips the distance between audience and film in much the same way as YouTube strips the distance between audience and content. It was probably inevitable that the spirit of online social networking would eventually impact film, as it’s already had a permanent impact on other established forms of media. Newspapers no longer have the same venerable authority or prestige, and reporters are scrambling to keep up with the appeal of the new media, and the speed of viral, networked coverage of events. Bloggers will routinely break stories first, and, in fact, many seasoned, old-fashioned newspaper reporters are now required to maintain blogs and even post to YouTube. This has even changed the nature of the presidential election, as Howard Dean supporters can attest, and as evident in the world’s first YouTube presidential debate co-hosted last year by CNN in which a virtual audience posted video-questions for the candidates.

Of course, 15 years ago, CNN revolutionized media with its omnipresent, 24-7 news cycle. But the blogosphere has radically accelerated it to the point that anything and everything has now become potential content. In fact, I’ll wager that if we give this trend another decade or so, the concept of news (as in what is new and of singular importance) might become obsolete. If the current state of online culture is any indication, the future is likely to hold no real news, just an endless digital sea of data with no authority or overriding thesis to govern it. It might sound utopian, but the danger is that it’s already becoming difficult to sort fact from fiction in the new media, as the famous case of YouTube sensation Lonelygirl15 suggests. Can we place faith in what we see and read in the hands of pundits, marketers, and amateurs without some sort of professional body to at least partly govern and referee it? Or will these values become irrelevant as they give over to a new aesthetic that values the sheer viral speed at which we can consume, produce, and be entertained?

These are precisely the questions addressed by George Romero’s Diary of the Dead. While Cloverfieldis at least sympathetic with, if not emblematic of, the age of the internet, Diary of the Dead is an explicit critique of it. Romero’s zombie films have always been full of big ideas. As he has put it, “show me a problem and I’ll stick a zombie on it.” His original Night of the Living Dead is really about man’s inhumanity to man, and Dawn of the Dead is really a parody of the grotesque and aggressive nature of suburban consumerism.

Romero’s thesis in Diary of the Dead is even more ambitious and complex than in his previous films. Diary of the Dead is an extended and nuanced argument that the digital age has made us so distracted and self-absorbed that we can no longer process the world around us with any real empathy or reason. This has the potential for political disaster, as the film argues, but Romero probes an even deeper question: before we become so radically networked, virally extended and omnipresent, and before we make ourselves the stars and content of our own media, shouldn’t we first make sure that our basic humanity warrants it?

As with Cloverfield, the plot of Diary of the Dead is minimalist and is presented as amateur video. The film begins with a news reporter narrating a story about the death of an immigrant family, the sort of story that reporters froth at the mouth to cover. However, the story is interrupted when the family suddenly spring back to life and attack the ambulance crew attending to them. The reporter is horrified by this, but only because it’s ruining her story, and her only reaction is an annoyed “For God’s sake, I thought they were dead.”

At this point, the news footage is interrupted by the voice-over of a narrator who explains that “we downloaded this footage off the internet” and that it was “uploaded by the ambulance driver in an attempt to tell the truth.” The narrator then tells us that what we have just seen is the introduction to a cautionary film called The Death of Death that documents the zombie epidemic and collapse of mainstream media and government by piecing together news footage, a horror film involving mummies by Jason Creed (a University of Pittsburgh student), plus miscellaneous downloaded content, home movies, and raw footage from the film crew’s hand held camera.

Let me try to put this in a more precise, mathematical formula:

Diary of the Dead = The Death of Death = news footage + a student film + downloaded footage + home movies + handheld footage.

If this is still confusing, don’t blame me; my head is still reeling from trying to unpeel all the layers to this film. What is so ironic and clever about this is that the narrator’s stated intention is to warn us about the zombies and provide some tips as to how to survive. A simple, linear, and informed guide would probably be the best format for this, and I think this is precisely Romero’s point. The actual zombie menace is embedded in a news story, imbedded in a student film, supplemented by downloaded footage, and tied together with a shaky, hand-held camera. The unlucky person watching this documentary would be zombie-chow long before they figured it all out. It is the sort of disaster, Romero suggests, that would happen if we start relying exclusively on the internet to get the news that matters the most.

To say that Diary of the Dead is self-referential is an understatement. This is a film that feeds on itself like a cannibalistic, self-mutilating ghoul. For example, at one moment in her documentary, Deb films one of her fellow film-makers downloading the internet content that she has already included in the documentary. In another sequence, she pleads with Jason to stop filming and find safe shelter, while another student films their ensuing argument about his reluctance to miss even one second of potential footage. And the film ends by mimicking the entire opening of Jason’s mummy film, only the actor playing the mummy is now truly undead.

Aside from its insistent meta-cinema, and despite Deb’s narration, nothing really ties the film together. It is structured more as a series of vignettes, each with its own viewpoint and subtext. For instance, in one sequence, Andrew Maxwell, Jason’s drunken but still eloquent film professor , lectures on how the incessant, non-stop filming of atrocities in places such as Iraq detaches us from it in a way that makes us culpable. By mediating everything we see, we feel a false sense of empowerment and absolution and are less likely to truly understand or engage with what we see. We become as apathetic as zombies, and our media has therefore become our very own diary of the dead. It’s a politically dangerous and morally compromised stance, as the film’s tagline, “Shoot the Dead,” also suggests. There are also vignettes about gender and realism in the horror genre, plus segments involving the national guard that illustrate what happens when people who are untrained and unprepared for war (be it with terrorists or zombies) are suddenly given that role. Romero packs a lot of politics into a relatively short amount of time, as everyone in the film has their own point-of-view that they feel entitled to either upload or profess.

Somewhere in all of this, I swear to God, are actual zombies. But the film is so busy with its constant self-referencing and multiple viewpoints that I had a hard time finding them. I found myself yearning for the simpler, more innocent pleasures of watching zombies eat people. Such moments are rare in this film, and I know it’s all intentional. Romero makes it clear that the film’s multimedia format is a lousy substitute for the direct communication of ideas. For example, in my favorite scene from this movie, Deb and her crew stop at an Amish farm to repair their van. The farmer is mute and tries to desperately communicate with the kids as they sneer and snicker behind their cameras. He finally gets his point across by simply writing the word “hurry” and then “back door” on his little hand held chalkboard. They’re all about to be gang-eaten by a pack of hungry zombies and he’s just provided them with their only means of escape. They’re just lucky he didn’t waste time by trying to email them the message.

Diary of the Dead goes a long way in arguing that the new media may not be the best model for making genuine films, and that in the digital age, we’re even more obligated to sometimes put aside our technology and actually think about what we’re documenting. But in making his case, Romero has made a film that is tiring to watch. It’s an important film with big ideas in the way that Cloverfield could never be, but in many ways, Cloverfield is better, if only because it’s more entertaining and could point the way to a new kind of viral story-telling whose full potential has yet to be realized. Still, the peek-a-boo logic of its neo-realism made me miss traditional monsters in the same way that Diary of the Dead made me miss zombies. All the flippant teasing in Cloverfield and fussy preaching in Diary of the Dead made realize that I still prefer my horror films the same way I prefer my alcohol. Nothing is wrong with a fruity concoction of exotic mixtures shaken and stirred in a loud, trendy bar every now and then, but you really can’t beat the simplicity of a whisky straight up.

Related posts:

1. Dye of the Dead
2. Corey’s Best of 2008
3. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
4. REC
5. Corey’s Worst of 2008

How do we begin to covet, Clarice?
Do we seek out things to covet?
No, we begin by coveting what we see every day.

i humbly disagree. the only thing i can see from where i’m sitting right now is a half full cherry coke bottle and an empty tape dispenser. those aren’t really the kinds of things i’m aching to possess… so i usually need to go out looking for objects of envy. like all genre fans, i collect dvds and books… but one of the more frivolous pursuits most of us horror fans have in common is the love of horror-related toys. i love movie collectibles — my desk and home are littered with things like posable michael myers action figures, a plastic hellraiser puzzle box (or ‘lament configuration,’ if you want to sound all knowledgeable and stuff) and a giant jason voorhees that screeches “ch-ch-ch ah-ah-ah” when you push a button on his back. like all obsessive collectors though, there is always room for more and i often find myself searching ebay and online toy stores for the latest horror chotchke to place on my desk at work or around my tiny apartment. i rarely actually order anything, but i almost always find cool and interesting things that i just can’t quite justify spending so much money on but would buy in a second if there was no longer a need for things like food, shelter, dog biscuits or socks. so, that’s what i’m going to share with you today… some of the bitchin’-est models, action figures, replicas and horror-related odds & ends i’ve recently run across, so that we may collectively salivate over them together.

the exorcist spider walk regan action figure
price: $16.99

those who haven’t seen the exorcist: the version you’ve never seen (and really, with a name like that there’s likely to be a few) will probably wonder why you have a doll of a 12-year old girl in a night-gown doing a back-bend in your room… but screw it. that scene was freakin’ creepy and so is this figurine.

cloverfield movie monster
price: $99.99

a bit pricey at $100, but damn this toy version of clover is cool. it stands 14″ tall, comes with 10 parasites, the head of the statue of liberty and features ‘authentic sounds.’ i only hope those sounds aren’t what makes up most of the dialogue in the film, which would just be a constant loop of “rob, dude. dude. rob, hey. rob. we gotta go. rob. dude.”

alien pile statue
price: $234.99

ok, like many of items listed here — this defies any description other than “awesome!”

and they’re so cute… i imagine if these guys were your pets, they’d sit in front of the door just like this while you were at work… waiting anxiously for you to come home.

alien 400% kubrick figure
price: $67.49

i’m not sure why these lego-type versions of characters are called ‘kubricks’ (i assume it has nothing to do with stanley), but they sure are adorable. most are rather small, but this one stands almost a foot high and is based off the original giger designs for alien. this would make a terrific present for any adult sci-fi/horror fan… or a really crappy one for your five-year old nephew.

alien 18-inch classic figure
price: $49.99

ok, i’m completely getting one of these when they’re released. so few of the alien toys feature the clear dome skull (most go for the crinkly, less interesting heads used in cameron’s film). at 18-inches tall, this guy will be able to do mock-battles with my giant new blood jason voorhees, which is a big plus.

alien warrior life size replica
price: $4500.00

ok, i’m completely not getting one of these… but not for a lack of desire. the price is a bit out of my range, but holy god… when people came over to your place they’d either think you were the coolest guy in all the land… or the creepiest.

movable lament configuration
price: $419.00

one of the disappointments of owning a hellraiser puzzle box is that it’s never going to move around and make all the crazy shapes it does in the movie, nor will it open a doorway to hell. the latter is probably ok, but the former would be frickin’ awesome… well, this box comes the closest in that it will actually make the first two moves of the puzzle. hand-crafted from mahogany and etched in brass, it’s rather amazing looking as well.

puzzle box signed
price: $129.99

i’m quite fond of this box because while it may not move, it does come in the nifty display case… which would really be the only way to display it in your home. get a couple of them like dr. channard did in the film and display them next to a bloody mattress for added creepiness.

hellraiser paperweight
price: $19.99

for the budget-minded or those looking for a more modern take on the classic lament configuration, here’s a clear version. it seems to have the words ‘hellraiser’ printed on it though, which i’d prefer it didn’t.

frank figure
price: $13.99

who wouldn’t want a tiny skinnless frank in a suit, and it appears to come with frank’s trademark cigarette and switchblade as well. now if they’d only make a ‘frank strung up on hooks & chains emanating from the depths of hell’ christmas tree ornament, i’d be set.

dr. channard statue
price: $239.99

i don’t know that dr. channard was one of my favorite characters, but those tentacles coming out of his hands making flowers and razors and stuff were pretty cool. as far as mobility, he’s sorta limited by this tentacle thing attached to his head leading him around which sorta makes him hell’s yo-yo, i guess — but he’s still pretty cool.

brundle-fly statue
price: $194.99

of all the tiny statues of jeff goldblum that are out there… this is the one to have.

american werewolf 2-pack
price: $22.49

i have wanted this toy for over 20 years now… i absolutely love the design of the werewolf in an american werewolf in london, but he’s never been in toy form before. i was so disappointed when i heard years ago they’d released a figure from the film and it just ended up being one of those nazi guys from the dream sequence — what were they thinking? anyway, they finally did it right and created a werewolf/meatloaf jack two-pack, which i promptly accidentally let my fiancée know was something i couldn’t live without. inspired by pure love, i’m fairly certain that she rushed out and pre-ordered it for my birthday… over a year ago. the release date has been pushed back more times than i can remember, but i am certain that it will arrive in time for one of my birthdays in the coming years.

american werewolf life-size prop
price: $5500.00

if i won a million dollars, this would be the first thing i’d buy. not a car, house or speedboat… this. i’d sit it next to the couch and use it as an arm rest and sit my soda in its mouth… and see how many years it’d be before my dogs (and possibly my fiancée) came out from hiding under the bed.

dog soldiers figure
price: $6.93

while not as cool as the above werewolves, i quite liked the dog soldiers design as well. and at 5,493 dollars and 7 cents cheaper than the previous item… it’s quite the bargain.

trilogy of terror zuni figure
price: $88.00

while most toys are a pale imitation of what they’re based on, it’s not all that hard to make a doll version of a doll… so this is an almost perfect version of the tiny, angry dude from the 70s made-for-tv-movie. if this was sitting on my bookcase i’d have to install motion sensors in the living room to be able to sleep. just in case.

the new blood scream scene statue
price: $179.99

jason in friday the 13th part 7 has always been my favorite incarnation of the crystal lake killer. i have two figures based on him already, but i’d be happy to have another showing how he begins the film… still trapped at the bottom of crystal lake, bobbing around like a fish aquarium treasure chest.

bag head jason figure
price: $14.99

scary bag-head jason is scary. i really need to pick one of these up sometime so that i have a itty bitty version of the creepiest version of jason voorhees.

jason plush
price: $27.99

plush jason is just way too cool for school. i actually couldn’t resist and ordered one of these while working on this article…. he’s just so cute!

jason animated maquette
price: $80.99

friday the 13th: the animated series is just too fabulous of an idea to ever actually exist in our reality. this statue is likely as close as we’ll come to seeing it.

silver shampain final chapter mask
price: $110.00

these masks seem to be the best compromise between quality and price that i’ve found. this site offers versions of jason’s mask from every film… i’m seriously considering getting a final chapter or new blood one from this site or the next one.

ruste dowg new blood mask
price: $170.00-$200.00

this site also offers masks from every film and more variations as well. these seem to be higher quality than those on the previous site, and the price reflects that. another option is ordering a mask from frightstuff.com and painting it yourself… or hiring one of the artists in their forums to paint it for you, which is where i found ruste dowg’s site.

ultra cthulhu statue
price: $224.99

who wouldn’t want a statue of one of ‘the great old ones’ on their mantle? standing 14″ tall, this is probably significantly smaller than the actual cthulhu, but looks fantastic regardless.

freddy krueger glove replica
price: $134.99

i’ve never loved freddy quite as much as jason or michael, but i have to admit that the glove is rather stylin’. far more realistic and menacing than the golf glove/plastic knife/duct tape combo i created in middle-school, this thing would look great in the living room or stuffed in your basement furnace.

texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning set
price: $24.74

you would not want this out when the in-laws stopped by. few of these toys are truly grotesque, but this one breaks that trend by being just as disturbing as the scene it was based on. i’m not sure i’d actually want to own this, but i have to admit it makes an impression and is making me want to go back and revisit the film.

day of the dead dr. tongue figure
price: $16.18

apart from the american werewolf, this is the toy i always dreamed of… but never thought would actually get made. dr. tongue is my favorite zombie of all time, but he’s only on-screen in day of the dead for five or six seconds. based on some of savini’s most imaginative work, this is the next action figure i’ll end up ordering… just as soon as it’s released later this year (or, if it follows the release schedule of the american werewolf figure, sometime around 2014).

Related posts:

1. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles
2. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
3. The First Victims in Horror Cinema: A Tribute
4. The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids
5. Nintendo DSi Does Horror Part 2

stephen king’s the mist hit dvd this week in a regular single disc and a two-disc collector’s edition. i would overwhelmingly recommend getting the latter as the second disc contains the entire film as frank darabont originally intended — in black and white.

i’ve seen the film both in color and black and white and i’d suggest watching the b/w version to both those new to the film and those that saw it in the theater. it’s a completely different experience without color. i personally never had a problem with the majority of the creature effects in the film, but those that did will find that the creatures are more convincing and altogether creepier in this version.

the color version of both dvds features a commentary from darabont that has largely changed my opinion on the controversial ending to the film. originally i liked the ending but had a few issues with it… now i’m almost completely in the “i love the ending” camp. he explains his rationale for it and reminds readers that there is a passage in the original book which points to this being the logical conclusion to the story. i won’t ruin the ending here, but feel free to spoil it in the comments section as i’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on it.

in any case… if you haven’t seen it, i’d suggest you pick it up or throw it in your netflix queue. if the latter, here’s a link to the 2nd disc with the black and white version on it. it doesn’t specify that it’s included there, but it is. unfortunately the commentary is only on the first disc… so commentary fans may want to queue both up.

Related posts:

1. The Mist
2. Let the Right One In Blu-ray With Commentary

before we get to anything else… let me state a fact. scarecrows are freakin’ awesome. it’s a shame that they don’t appear in horror films more often and that when they do, they’re usually used ineffectively (yes, i’m looking at you, hallowed ground). the wizard of oz gave us the world’s most famous scarecrow, but horror is really where they belong. how many other agricultural tools primary function revolves around the ability to instill fear? zero. unless this thing cuts corn.

that said… the only thing more awesome than scarecrows would obviously be scarecrows in the 1980s, which brings us to this month’s selection in the final girl film club (see lots more about scarecrows there).

i admit it — i have a super-sized, two decade old crush on the movie scarecrows. i loved this movie in 1988 and i love it now, but i’m fully aware that this probably has more to do with when i saw it than the film’s overall quality. i was very excited when stacie over at finalgirl chose it as her film club selection this month. it was released on dvd a few months ago and i’m guessing that most horror fans are experiencing it for the first time since it wasn’t a huge success when it was first released (but has always had a loyal, if small following). if you’re seeing it for the first time now, then you will probably like the film but not fully understand why someone might lavish it with extraordinary praise and affection… but hopefully you can indulge my nostalgia-induced infatuation with this film as we take a closer look at it.

first of all… let’s look at the box cover. when i was 13 years old, browsing the local horror section at ‘video vision’ (located next door to the ‘food lion’ near my house), i distinctly remember first seeing the box for scarecrows. above and on the left is the vhs cover that i recall so vividly… on the right is the far inferior new dvd cover art. i can’t quite figure out exactly why the vhs cover is so effective… but i remember thinking “wow, that is one scary looking over-sized vhs video cassette sitting there, my friend. that movie will probably scare you so bad you’ll end up sleeping in the dryer.” maybe it’s the smoke in the background, the just slightly too-human looking face on the scarecrow or the fact that you can just tell that no retouching was done to it (it’s just a simple, unmanipulated photo), but that cover freaked me right out. i highly doubt the stylized “crows flying away from a ufo landing” dvd cover would have the same effect on a 13 year old me. i also think it has something to do with anticipation (something the movie expands on). in the original cover the scarecrow is just hanging there, but it seems like at any moment it could start moving, climb off that cross and come eat your liver… even though logically you know scarecrows don’t do such things. in the dvd cover the scarecrow is already walking around, machete raised high. while i will concede a moving scarecrow with a machete is more dangerous than an immobile scarecrow without one… the active scarecrow isn’t scarier because he’s already shown his hand. you know what he can and can’t do. fear comes from the anticipation of something creepy happening, not in the event itself.

i didn’t rent the movie the first time i saw the box… like texas chainsaw massacre at the time, i wasn’t sure i was ready for the terrors contained within that little plastic case. a few weeks later though i mustered some bravery and paid my $1.99 rental fee. and while i didn’t end up in the drier, my jeebies were appropriately heebied. the movie starts off with that same damn scarecrow from the cover that freaked me out, intercut with the credits. the camera moves slowly towards the scarecrow which, given how creepy he looks, wouldn’t be my choice of trajectories if i was there. the credits look rather similar to the the exorcist and the steady, somber music lets you know they’re not playing this one up for laughs — this scarecrow’s hardcore and is gonna fuck some people up.

the plot of the film is incredibly simple. a bunch of bad-ass military folks steal a bunch of money from a military base and hijack a private plane (along with the pilot and his daughter) and take off for mexico. one of the thieves double-crosses everyone and parachutes out of the plane with the money over a farm. the other thieves chase him down in an attempt to get the money back, but unfortunately this farm is inhabited by 3 animate scarecrows who like removing people’s body parts without permission. lots of people die in nasty ways and then the credits roll.

the film was directed by william wesley (which an imdb search reveals is also known as jose rolando rodriguez). i couldn’t find much information on wiliam/jose except this rather cryptic exchange on his imdb message board…

question: is william wesley still alive?
answer: i don’t know if he’s still alive but he had some serious problems in the mid-90s when i knew him.

you would think the combo of silly concept meets first time director who uses a pseudonym would result in a horrible film… but not in this case. somehow this film manages to create a taut, well-executed horror film from the strange blend of killer scarecrows, a creepy location and ultra-80s fashion. that’s about as close as i’d like to come to reviewing the film (you can find that elsewhere)… instead i’m just going to draw your attention to some of the more memorable aspects of this film.

made at exactly the time the mpaa was being particularly unreasonable towards violent content (e.g., the ridiculous amount of cuts required for friday the 13th part VII to secure an R rating, made the same year), scarecrows is surprisingly violent. whether it escaped the mpaa’s wrath because of its supernatural slant and low-profile or because the dvd release has incorporated missing footage… i’m not sure. in any case, there is some truly grotesque stuff here, most of which works because it hits you at such a visceral level. the gutting of a re-animated soldier (who has been hollowed out and stuffed with straw and money) is particularly cringe-inducing, but the kill that made me jump the most is shown in the video above. it’s a very simple effect achieved through misdirection and editing, but incredibly effective. the long, static shots of the scarecrows afterwards exemplifies the same tone and mood that the whole film exudes from beginning to end.

one thing i remember really liking when i first saw scarecrows was the frequent use of night-vision. maybe because its use in film wasn’t very common yet (i.e., pre silence of the lambs)… i found that green filter to be very effective in conveying “these are some hi-tech army dudes with state-of-the-art weaponry.” odd how something as simple as basically covering the lens in colored saran wrap could create such a profound effect in the 80s.

in 1988 i thought scarecrows was an ultra-realistic portrayal of the military. looking at the film now, either the military was very different then or, more likely, i was a moron. the hair… that girl’s makeup… those radio-shack headsets… that pellet gun… that beard… that red neckerchief. omg, that red neckerchief! and i’m fairly certain that the leader of the military thieves is wearing a single diamond earring in his left ear. i don’t think they let you do that… although, in his defense, they don’t let you steal millions of dollars either and he managed that.

if the neckerchief or roxanne’s perm (the blond soldier chick) didn’t tip you off to the timeframe of the film, there’s another way to very accurately pinpoint a film’s origins in the late 1980s. far more accurate than carbon dating, the presence of rolled jeans is a dead give-away that your film is set in 1989 (+/- 3 years). the pilot’s daughter (with her oh-so-bouncy hair) is sporting a very nicely rolled pair of jordache jeans (see above). if you’re too young to remember (or have unconsciously blocked out the memory of) rolled jeans, please see here.

about half way into the film, roxanne begins touching up her makeup. given that she’s currently standing in a less-sanitary version of the texas chainsaw massacre farm house, is involved in a crime consisting of grand larceny, murder and kindnapping and should really be either watching the kidnapped girl or looking out for murderous scarecrows… vanity seems like it should be lower on her list of priorities. of course, with the film’s focus on how greed and personal self-interest equates with having your spleen removed forcibly — this was probably intentional. still, it’s an odd scene… particularly when roxanne offers the makeup case to her kidnapped prisoner, asking “rouge? it will make you look happier.”

in addition to the utterly creepy mood and pacing of this film, it has some phenomenal pieces of dialogue. one of my favorite occurs during the scene pictured above where one of the soldiers, taking a break from trying to recover his money while avoiding rampaging straw monsters, decides to chow down on some corn-on-the-cob.

soldier: want an ear? best way to eat corn.
girl: get away from me, you cold-blooded bastard.

other great writing examples include…

soldier #1: i think this place is possessed by demonic demons.
soldier #2: your head’s gonna be possessed by the butt of my gun if you don’t shutup.

soldier: all that time you were just jacking us off with sandpaper. kick his ass!

and my personal favorite…

soldier: (referring to scarecrows) they’ll rip your tight little asshole out before you can say que fucking pasa.

one rather refreshing change from the norm is that the monsters here are given no real explanation or consistent motivation. you might think this would be a problem, but it’s really not… i’ve always loved films like tremors where an explanation for the creature is left out because the writers know that no possible explanation would really be satisfactory. here, a few hints are dropped as to the origins of the scarecrows, but ultimately it’s left ambiguous. above are the three “mangy looking guys” who used to own the house (these two shots are shown constantly throughout the film… in one the photo is cracked, in the other it’s not. spooky.). one of the soldiers discovers some “black magic” stuff in one of the rooms and later says “these guys died and no one told them.” apart from that… they’re just killer scarecrows. it’s unclear what they want (sometimes they keep body parts, but mostly they just scare and then kill anyone they meet). even the rules of what they can and can’t do aren’t very clear as they appear to be very physical creatures (explosions can hurt or destroy them), yet they can read minds, mimic voices (and a dog bark), cause out-of-service phones to ring, make decapitated heads talk and turn on/off generators magically. is that a demon, a monster or a ghost? i dunno… but this film plays like a haunted house ride with each scene using whatever rules it wants to be most effective — and for the most part, that works.

the scarecrows certainly aren’t traditional ghosts, as when jack (seen above) is re-animated by the scarecrows and sent back to kills his friend, he is stopped by a wooden door. i don’t know how murderous scarecrows could make a dead body walk and talk… and i don’t know why such a creature would feel the need to put on night-vision goggles over a towel… but the end effect is pretty spooky. i remember being utterly creeped out when curry (the not-dead-yet friend above) is hiding in a locked room and the possessed-jack creature is calmly asking from the other side of the door, “come on, curry. open the door. gee, these fucking things. they’re definitely demonic. you’re not one of them, are you curry? tell me you’re not.” it’s as if jack isn’t fully aware of what’s happened to him or, more likely, it’s just an attempt to drive the already butterfly-net-worthy curry out of his mind.

while my 13 year old self didn’t notice any grand deviations from reality in the film, the much older me picked up on a few. one of my favorites bits occurs at the film’s finale as the last remaining soldier uses a hand grenade to reduce himself and the last scarecrow to their respective bits of flesh and straw. forget the fact that hand grenades tend to make quite a bang and would probably cause quite a bit of damage to a small, 2 engine plane in flight… forget that the pilot of the plane is about 8 feet away and suffers no harm. no, what i noticed was the pilot’s dog. being a dog owner, i know that clapping your hands, opening a soda or thunder from a storm 10 miles away are all things that make dogs scurry away looking for a bed to hide under in a matter of milliseconds. i love this dog’s rather nonchalant reaction to a grenade exploding just a couple feet away…

so, to close… scarecrows rocks my socks, and if you haven’t seen it and you like quirky, moody 80s horror… go rent it or something.

bonus animated gif to make you go “gah!”

Jon’s Thoughts…

I’ll admit that before watching Scarecrows for this Final Girl film club review, I knew very little about the film, aside from its reputation as a cult classic. After watching it, I was instantly intrigued so I did a quick background check on the film’s director, William Wesley, and became even more intrigued. Aside from his 2001 film Route 666, plus a bit part in Showtime’s Red Shoe Diaries and a surprising role as a go-go dancer in the video for Janet Jackson’s 1989 “Rhythm Nation 1814,” this film seems to be Wesley’s only real claim to fame. I’ll wager that Scarecrows probably got lost in that vast 80s sea of so many Kruegers, Jasons, Michaels and other now famous slashers. Horror fans are fortunate that Scarecrows has a strong enough cult following to warrant its 2007 release on DVD. I suppose I could spend the bulk of this review wondering what in the heck happened to William Wesley. There’s a post at his IMDB message board that asks the existentially riddled question: “is William Wesley still alive?” I even thought that he just might be William “Worldwide” Wesley, the famous Detroit-area NBA basketball promoter, but, alas, they’re not the same person, so the world may never know what really happened to Wesley. I am usually not given to this sort of sentimentality, but I can’t help it; this film makes me nostalgic.

The plot of Scarecrows is simple enough, which is to the film’s credit. Scarecrows begins with a team of commandos who steal money from Fort Pennington. They hijack a plane and kidnap its pilot and daughter to make their escape, but their plans go awry when they are double crossed by their fellow commando, Bert, who parachutes from the plane with all their money into the middle of the creepiest farm country you’re ever likely to see. Wesley is able to build an effectively spooky atmosphere with this very simple set. The team’s leader, Curry, then leads the attempt to find Bert and recover the money. Things go from bad to worse as the farm’s scarecrows come to life and have at them one by one.

There’s not much to be said, really, for the plot, but I loved every minute of this film, largely because it made me miss the 80s, the decade in which I really fell in love with film. For instance, I had forgotten how 80s films made EVERYTHING look so glamorous: boardrooms, vampires, and even commandos were all sexy cool.

Roxanne

Jack

Bennet

Fame

Don’t get me wrong. Scarecrow’s Jack and Roxeanne can kick as much ass as Bennet (from 1988′s Commando), but that’s not going to stop them from at least trying to be stylish while going about it. Bennet is one of the creepiest commandos you’re likely to ever encounter, and yet his chainmail reminds me of an outfit you’d find in Flashdance . Jack looks like he’s just come from the 1982 video for “Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. And the conspicuous height and volume of Roxeanne”s hair would make her right at home on the set of “Dynasty” . Even the all-American badass Rambo wore the fashionable red headband as he tore his way through the jungle. Really, the entire tone and tenor of the entire decade began with Allan Parker’s 1980 Fame, a film about passion, sacrifice, and well-used fashion accessories. I like dark and gritty realism as much as the next guy, but sometimes I do miss all that strange and surreal neon-glow of the 80s.

Of course, aside from big poofy hair and handkerchiefs, 80s films were also prone to include morality tales, no doubt in part due to Reagan’s revival of 50s-style cold war rhetoric with its battle lines between good and evil . I’m not at all interested in films that get preachy, but the 80s films were rather complex in their depictions of moral struggle. 80s films such as Scarecrows and 1988′s Pumpkinhead are less explicit than, say, Invasion of the Body Snatchers in depicting a hard line between good and evil, but instead depict a far more ambivalent spirit of vengeance.

Pumpkinhead

As in Pumpkinead, the moral and political concept of “blowback” is a subtext found in Scarecrows. Like the Pumpkinhead creature, the scarecrows are, as Jack overstates it, “demonic demons” that punish you for your particular sins and repay violence and greed in kind. For instance, they stuff Bert with the money he so coveted. They kill the otherwise innocent pilot after he gives into temptation and goes for the money. The message, in other words, is that the 80s might be a decade of high-fashion and conspicuous consumption, but greed is sinful, and the wages of sin are death, or something like that. In addition their drive to punish, the scarecrows mimic the personalities of those who encounter them. They torment Curry by mimicking the voice of his recently killed friend, and, in a particularly nasty instance of irony, they give Jack his beloved harmonica just before killing him. Had the commandos shown up with smiles on their faces and songs in their heart, then perhaps it could have all turned out differently, but, alas, human greed is too powerful.

There is, however, an equally clear redemptive spirit to Scarecrows. Al, the last commando standing, learns his lesson too late to save himself, but soon enough to save the innocent Kellie by sacrificing himself with a hand grenade that destroys the last remaining scarecrow. I love the daring of recent horror films such as the Wolf Creek or the satirically excessive violence of such films as The Devil’s Rejects, but the unabashed clarity and simplicity of Scarecrows was a welcome tonic. Still, the special effects in Scarecrows were as gut-wrenching as anything you’ll likely to see in recent horror films, and serve as a reminder that sometimes the old “less is more” cliché is exactly right.

The allegory in the fact that Roxeanne’s hand is stabbed while reaching for the money is clear enough, just as the fact that Jack is literally blinded as to what’s happening to him, but what makes this film so horrifying is that the scarecrows have a knack for striking your most vulnerable parts. For instance, in one scene, they repeatedly stab poor Al in the exact same spot in his leg.

This film could have easily devolved into b-grade camp, and the fact that it doesn’t is a real testament to Wesley’s success in directing this film. Not only are the scarecrows the creepiest horror villains I’ve seen in a very long time, the setting is effective, the pacing is appropriately slow without ever seeming to drag, and the soundtrack is moody and suspenseful. I especially like the envelope structure of the film. We begin with a shot of a scarecrow as it slowly zooms in to a close up, while a radio broadcast informs us about the robbery.

At the film’s conclusion, we return to the close up of the scarecrow as the camera slowly pulls back and a radio broadcast tells us that Kellie has barely survived her ordeal. This sounds simple, but the effect is rather chilling. It’s the film’s attempt to return us to normalcy, to restore order, but the implication is that after-effects will likely continue. Shakespeare liked to do something similar at the end of his plays. Fortinbras shows up at the end of Hamlet to restore order to Denmark. But we all know it’s too late and that the violence we’ve just witnessed will stay with us long after we leave the theater. Of course I’m not saying that Scarecrows approaches anything the Bard ever wrote, but it’s fun, scary stuff and an oddly intriguing reminder that I really do miss the 80s.

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“the long walk” is my favorite stephen king story, but “the mist” is a close second. so i was prepped and ready to hate the film version when i went to see it this weekend. surprisingly, my preparation was in vain. king translates well to the screen only rarely, but i’m glad this is one of those times. the script is tight and remains focused where it should — as a study of fear and how easily society can break down. the monsters are largely effective, and a few are exactly what i had always imagined them to be. the acting was great (the character of ollie in particular).

there’s a lot of talk about the ending, which i won’t blatantly spoil here. my feelings on the film’s final moments are complicated, but here’s what i believe the theme of it is — at the end, a person walks into the mist to face the scariest thing imaginable. however, what comes for them is so much worse than anything they could have imagined. when i think of it like that, i appreciate it more… and despite king’s approval of the new ending, part of me still misses the ambiguous ending of the original story. if anyone else has seen it… what’d you think?

The Mist (2007)

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if the werewolf is this terrifying, we can only imagine what the yeti looks like. i thought this was romantic comedy until i saw that the two title characters will be involved in ‘deadly combat.’

i really want to know what this guy is looking at that’s got him so riled up. also… does that woman have three arms?

i just love this film’s title. i’m also quite fond of the likeness of the snowman… he seems to be saying “hey, sorry about your picture frame, friend. this light just got in my eye and i lost my footing… i’ll clean it right up.” also… um… i question the intelligence of the college students mentioned given their apparent choice of geographic areas to conduct their search for a yeti. i haven’t seen this film but i’m certain it contains a scene where the college kids are confronted by a group of criminals who ask “what are you doing here on our island?” to which the kids undoubtedly reply… “looking for the abominable snowman.”

this cover really isn’t all that bad, although neither the ‘land of the lost’ homage nor the monster with jazz hands makes me want to go search this film out.

rarely do you hear the phrase ‘sir run run shaw presents inseminoid.’ i’m not sure what’s going on in that picture, but i’m sure it’s scandalous. i question the yellow ‘x’ that seems out of place (is that part of the title or the rating?)… and in particular, i’m annoyed by the poor use of pronouns as our alien cassanova goes from a ‘he’ to an ‘it’ in the same sentence.

sandy cobe seems a bit pretentious to demand his own badly drawn trapezoid, but apart from that… i like this cover.

*sigh*
that ‘n’ should really be capitalized. also… JOHN AGAR.

i suppose they called it that because this was already taken.

the guy in this picture seems more interested in that girl’s frazetta-esque derriere than in the giant blue occult barrier about to smoosh him.

i actually own this film. those teeth are pretty cool. the movie is not.

there are few people in my life that i trust enough to watch beast with.
be glad you are not one of them.

generally considered one of the few films to actually deserve its inclusion on the nasty list, this is the description i found of this film’s plot…

gruesome killing & cannibalism including stomping on the bellies of pregnant women so as to snack on their fetuses. as a finale, the beast dies after eating his own intestines.

andy warhol once said, “the only thing scarier than udo kier is udo kier with a heart on a pike.”

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