THE THING

THE THING is one of my favorite films, so i was understandably skeptical when i heard they were making a prequel and/or remake. i was anxious for more ‘thing,’ but it would be so easy for them to screw it up by trying to fix what was ‘wrong’ with the first film since it had such a disappointing theatrical release (yet eventually gathered quite the following on home video). i remember reading an interview with the director, stating his intention to be true to the original — but that’s what every director says to appease the existing fans, while not mentioning all the changes they’re having to make to try to have broader appeal. after seeing THE THING, i’m convinced of two things: 1) it’s confusing to name your prequel the same title as the film it is a prequel to and 2) the director was not lying about staying true to the original.

apart from possibly using cgi where it wasn’t necessary in a few places, there is very little to complain about in THE THING. don’t get me wrong — no aspect of john carpenter’s masterpiece is in danger of being eclipsed by this prequel (most notably in the special effects category), but i doubt making a better film than the original was their goal. it feels like they were trying to make a smart and frightening companion piece to the original that supplements it without contradicting or negating anything already established. if that is true, then they succeeded. everything we know from the original about the norwegian camp is seamlessly integrated into the prequel. many scenes are almost identical in tone and content to scenes from carpenter’s, but there are enough twists and differences that it always feels like a homage instead of a rehash. this may not end up joining the original as a true classic of the genre, but it’s certainly entertaining and well worth seeing.

as i was leaving the theater, happily surprised by how much i liked THE THING, i overheard a girl ask her boyfriend “that’s how it ends?!? what happens next?” i did not overhear his reply, but it’s my hope he’s a true horror fan and already owns the answer to her query on dvd and/or blu-ray.

related video: the cast of THE THING (1981) watch THE THING (2011).

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

i was about to start this off with the phrase “despite not being as original as THE WALKING DEAD…”, but quickly realized that would be completely unfair. it’s true that AMERICAN HORROR STORY is not wildly original, as it borrows shamelessly from well-known genre classics and recent horror successes. however, despite being incredibly compelling, THE WALKING DEAD is an even worse offender, stealing unabashedly from only one coffer (george romero’s), while AMERICAN HORROR STORY at least has the decency to spread its thievery around, often sprinkling pilfered bits from john carpenter, stanley kubrick, and alfred hitchcock evenly about, often in the same episode.

most of the time, the show’s tendency to reference other horror films works, coming across not as laziness or plagiarism — but as a type of horror short-hand. in the most recent episode, the intentions of three home intruders is immediately communicated to the audience in a blink of an eye, not through lengthy exposition but by simply emulating the most famous shot from THE STRANGERS. earlier in the same episode during a flashback set in the 1960s, the familiar violin strings from the score of PSYCHO instantly place us in the correct decade and and convey the intentions of an uninvited guest.

the show’s opening credit may be a little too reminiscent of SE7EN’s famous credit sequence, but minor gripes aside, this is a show you should definitely be watching. i don’t know how long they can keep it up, but so far the haunted house story they are telling has kept me riveted and guessing at every turn, and is scarier, sexier and more unnerving than anything horror television has ever seen. similar to the maturity level seen in DEXTER and TRUE BLOOD, but lacking the lightheartedness and comedy those shows occasionally exhibit, AMERICAN HORROR STORY is a hard-edged series that shows a willingness to push the envelope and go to places that even recent horror feature films seem afraid to.

THE WALKING DEAD

along with everyone else in the world, this week i also watched the season premiere of THE WALKING DEAD. once we get to episodes that frank darabont had little to no input on, i’m afraid the show will take a nosedive, but if they can somehow maintain the quality shown in this first episode, then there will be nothing to worry about. you can already see the impact of the budget cuts in a few questionable cgi effects shots, but other than that, there is little to complain about in this season’s opener.

i will, however, complain about how amc is handling suddenly being in possession of an incredibly successful show. in addition to slashing the budget despite growing success and running off the man who created the damn thing, they also became the first company i know of to greedily double-dip the home video release of a show’s first season before the second season even aired.

behind-the-scenes drama aside, the show is fantastic. and it has also spawned one of the more brilliant parodies in recent memory, which you can see below.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (documentary edition)
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)

the layout of my awards are similar to last year, with best films & documentaries, worst films, and special categories for particularly surprising or disappointing films. oddly, the same as last year, a single director appears both in my “best” list and my “most disappointing” list, something i didn’t notice until i’d already finished compiling it. last year, director toby wilkins appeared in the “best” category with SPLINTER and in the “most disappointing” list with THE GRUDGE 3. this year, adam green found his way into both categories. both directors are very active on twitter and seem like nice guys, so i can only assume this is a trend that will continue next year with yet another friendly director who loves to tweet finding his way to make one film i love and one that doesn’t quite live up to my (probably unreasonably high) expectations. mark that down as my prediction for 2011.

the best horror films of 2010

#10

SAW 3D

the latest tri-dimensional entry into the SAW franchise is far from perfect, but a damn sight better than some of the later entries (i’m looking at you 4 & 5). the 3d is fun, and the triumphant return of a principal character from the original made this a very enjoyable, if not horribly original, “ending” to the series (i trust this being the last entry as much as i did THE FINAL CHAPTER and FREDDY’S DEAD.)

#9

SPLICE

SPLICE starts off weird, and then just keeps getting stranger and more depraved. not every choice pays off in the film, but regardless a lot of the storyline and visual directions were brave, whether they all worked or not. a little inconsistent, but definitely worth a view from cronenberg fans or genetic scientists who wish their profession involved more kinky sex.

#8

THE CRAZIES

one of films i’m embarrassed to say i’ve never seen is george romero’s THE CRAZIES. it’s on netflix instant, so i really have no excuse. after seeing this slick, enjoyable remake, i may have to finally sit down and watch the original, because if it it’s anything like the new one, then i’m missing out. the remake features some great suspense moments, likable characters and law enforcement (timothy olyphant and his deputy) wearing some disturbingly tight pants (maybe that’s an iowa fashion thing i’m unaware of).

#7

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

i went into THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE like most — equally horrified and intrigued at the film’s simple premise, but not expecting much beyond that. i was shocked to find a clever and surprisingly restrained thriller with some great and (in the case of dieter laser) incredibly creepy performances.

#6

PIRANHA 3D

this is a remake of a film that was itself a blatant rip-off of another, more successful movie about a shark eating people. if that sounds like something you might like, then i doubt you’ll be disappointed by this tongue-in-cheek and ridiculously gory and nudity filled 3d extravaganza.

#5

THE LAST EXORCISM

i have yet to tire of these shaky-cam horror films when they’re done well, and this one is. doesn’t quite reach the heights of creepiness that BLAIR WITCH and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY achieved, but still well worth checking out.

#4

BURIED

in the hitchcockian tradition set by LIFEBOAT and ROPE, BURIED is an exercise in filmmaking. in this case, the exercise is setting an entire movie in a closed coffin. there are no cheats here… no flashbacks or dream sequences. this is an hour and a half of ryan reynolds stuck in a box. you’d think that’d be a hard thing to make tense and interesting for 90 minutes, but this film did it.

#3

FROZEN

adam green’s FROZEN is similar to BURIED in that the majority of the film takes place with people trapped in a single location (here it’s a stopped chair lift). it also shares the same serious tone, with the very occasional moment of dark comedy thrown in to alleviate the near-constant tension. a welcome departure from green’s over-the-top silliness exhibited in the HATCHET series.

#2

LET ME IN

i have not seen LET ME IN, but i am including it in the number two slot anyway, because that’s the kind of shit-house-rat crazy bastard i am. i wouldn’t blame you if that makes you disregard my opinion or this list, but bear with me. every review i’ve read of this film (at least the ones written by people i trust) says the same thing — “almost, but not quite as good as the original.” since i know exactly how i feel about the original, i’m going to trust my fellow horror reviewers on this one (well, at least until it hits blu-ray). after seeing it, i will add an addendum^* to this entry stating whether my educated guess on its placement on this list was accurate or not — but i’m almost certain it would reside here, if not higher. ^*after seeing LET ME IN, it would definitely either be in the #2 slot or tied with #1. i’m planning to look at the film more closely in an upcoming post.

#1

LAKE MUNGO

this film was the biggest holy crap that was better than i ever thought it would be moment of 2010, which would definitely place it on my “most surprising” list if it weren’t already residing at the top of this one. i’d kind of given up on the 8films2die4 gimmick as the films usually range from the terribly bad to the terribly mediocre and this one looked to be more of the same (although, to mix things up, it also looked to be “terribly australian”). i wouldn’t blame you if you missed this one, but i urge you to go back and give it another chance. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY left me a little unsettled when the curtain fell, but LAKE MUNGO had me feeling ill-at-ease hours after it’d finished. if you’re a fan of ghost stories and faux documentaries, this is one of the best out there.

the worst horror films of 2010

LEGION

LEGION is like THE PROPHECY but without christopher walken or anything else cool or interesting. the trailers centered around an ice-cream man opening his mouth real wide which seemed like an odd choice, until i saw the film and realized that was the least crappy two seconds in the whole film.

THE RIG

i normally try not to come down too hard on low-budget films, but this one is damn near unwatchable. other films this year managed to come up with something slightly interesting with limited resources, but THE RIG fails to even make william forsythe seem cool, a feat i’d previously thought impossible. this monster tale on an oil rig (which looks suspiciously like a high school in most scenes) redefines tedium and is the only film this year that caused me to literally yell at it, begging it to just, please, end already.

the best horror documentaries of 2010

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY

similar to last year’s voorhees’-centric documentary HIS NAME WAS JASON, this in-depth look at the ELM STREET series is far slicker and engaging.

BEST WORST MOVIE

this bizarre but oddly touching look into the making of and current lives of those involved in the cult classic TROLL 2 is well worth seeing, regardless of whether you’re familiar with the film it examines.

the most surprising horror films of 2010

BURNING BRIGHT

when i first read the description of BURNING BRIGHT on netflix (woman is trapped in a house with a circus tiger), my initial thought was “there’s no way i’m adding that to my queue.” after a moment’s reflection, that quickly changed to “that sounds so stupid, there’s no way i’m not moving that up to #1 in my queue.” i’m glad i changed my mind as this turned out to be a surprisingly tension-filled film, despite a few minor short-comings (mainly due to budget limitations, i suspect).

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

i’ve always had a soft spot for the 1980s NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, so when i heard it was getting a straight-to-video remake, i was not particularly optimistic. however, the new version far exceeded my expectations, retaining the same silly tone of the original while adding some interesting new plot points and imaginative special effects. also it features a scene where people’s lives depend on how fast they can trace, which must be a horror film first.

the most disappointing horror films of 2010

DEVIL

after the beat-you-over-the-head ya-gotta-have-faith message at the end of SIGNS (which, apart from that bit, i kind of liked), i should have known that m. night shamalamadingdong could not possibly treat the idea of satan trapped in an elevator any less subtly. i was optimistic though given he did not direct it himself, but that optimism was misplaced. DEVIL has a few good moments and some decent scares (even if it uses the same ones over and over again), but the overall effect, theme and tacked on “moral” of the film felt insultingly lame.

HATCHET 2

i have mixed feelings about the first HATCHET because it’s just so damn silly and hardly the return to “old school american horror” that it billed itself as, but i had to admit it was an often funny and entertaining film. the news that fan-favorite danielle harris would be joining the sequel gave me high hopes that it might eclipse the first, but those hopes were smashed against the rocks minutes into my pay-per-view screening of HATCHET 2. the sequel keeps the over-the-top gruesome deaths of the original film, but makes the bizarre choice to be just as silly but not nearly as funny as its predecessor. if it’s not scary and it’s not funny, then you’d think that with a slasher film you’d at least be able to enjoy looking at some young, attractive people talking about sororities and fumbling with bra straps before being killed — but there too you’d be wrong, as the people being hunted by victor crowley are almost all middle-aged, slightly over-weight hunters and bikers (with the exception of harris, of course). despite dying in the last film, parry shen returns, but is completely underused and is never given the chance to be as funny and interesting as he was in HATCHET. i give adam green huge props for going up against the mpaa and standing up for independent horror, and i loved FROZEN, but i was horribly underwhelmed by victor crowley’s second outing.

Related posts:

1. Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards
2. Horror Movie Plots That Could Have Been Defused By Someone Not Being a Douchbebag
3. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards
4. Horror Community Highlights – December 17, 2010
5. Blog Awards!

[winners have been notified by email -- thanks to all that entered!]

i have yet to see the A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET remake, but i’m very excited for its october 5th release. i’ve actually liked most of the platinum dunes horror films, and while it may be hard to live up to wes craven’s original — i don’t see how jackie earle haley portraying freddy krueger couldn’t be interesting to watch.

while i know i’ll be running out on the 5th to pick up a blu-ray copy of the film for myself, two lucky evilontwolegs.com readers won’t have to go to such extremes because warner brothers has been nice enough to offer us two free copies of the blu-ray/dvd combo pack to give away! entering to win is simple — either leave a comment on this post or email me at corey@evilontwolegs.com, stating your desire to enter the elm street contest (bonus points for a creative subject line). if you leave a comment, please be sure to include your email address so that i have a way to contact you. on october 5th, i will randomly choose and announce the winners.

for more information on the film and its release, please point your favorite interwebs tool to http://www.nightmareonelmstreet.com/dvd/.

Related posts:

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street Blu-ray
2. Elm Street Remake Trailer
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street: 10 Pointless Observations
4. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
5. Hammer Glamour

My Bloody Valentine 3D
Axe-a-Friend
FREE

George A. Romero’s
App of the Dead
$1.99

both of these allow you to depict the subject of photos in your phone as having shuffled off the mortal coil — although in the case of App of the Dead, there is additional implied shuffling since your friends and loved ones are now zombies. Axe-a-Friend allows you to choose a photo and then, by waving your phone in the air, swing a virtual pick axe into your friend’s face (complete with blood splatter).

here you can see the results of loading a picture of jon (evilontwolegs.com writer and all-around-nice-guy) into the app and giving it a few good swings.

and here’s my schnauzer, mulder…

and keyboard cat.

App of the Dead similarly allows you to depict friends as dead, but gives you much more control. you can choose various zombie scars, wounds, weapons and body parts to add to your photo, and the app allows you to resize and rotate these to your heart’s content. additionally, it also include an interactive function, as after you’ve created your perfect zombie — there’s an optional handgun button to splatter their brains.

here’s jon, again…

and keyboard cat.

use of these apps isn’t restricted solely to friends, pets and internet memes though — you can get all meta if want, and do things like…

use george a. romero’s app on george a. romero…

or use the MY BLOODY VALENTINE app on harry warden…

or kill tom atkins with an axe while tom atkins is being killed with an axe…

or, create a cross over where harry warden kills george romero…

or george romero kills harry warden!

as is true of everything related to the awe-inspiring device known as the iphone (each of which, as we all know, is lovingly hand-carved for apple by blind monks from unicorn horns) — the possibilities are endless.

Related posts:

1. iPhone Horror Film — DEAD iSLAND
2. Left 4 Dead 3D
3. My Bloody Valentine 3D
4. Dye of the Dead
5. Left 4 Dead

Related posts:

1. Remakes Update
2. Corey’s Best of 2008
3. Horror Community Highlights – January 17, 2011
4. Horror Community Highlights – August 14, 2009
5. One Missed Call (2008)

1. “Jeepers Creepers” from Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers?
Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those eyes?
Gosh all git-up, how’d you get so lit up?
Gosh all git up, how’d it get that size?

Undeniably, this is the jazziest song in my list. It’s been covered by everyone from Louis Armstrong to Ella Fitzgerald to Siouxsie and the Banshees. In the film Jeepers Creepers, Trish and Darry are warned by the mysterious psychic Jezelle that whenever they hear the song it means they’re in danger, and that it’s also the key to understanding the mysterious creature called the Creeper. I’m not sure that the song ever really helps in explaining the Creeper, as the only connection between the two seems to be the fact that he has a thing for stealing eyes. But that’s enough for me, as I would have been very disappointed if it turned out that you could dazzle the Creeper into submission with jazz hands.

2. “Hey You!” from The Mummy’s Curse (1944)

Hey, you
With the naughty eye
When you pass us by
We just have to cry
“Hey, you! Yoo-hoo!”

Deep in a Louisiana bayou, the mummy of Princess Ananka is resurrected in the form of beautiful woman when an excavation team exposes her to sunlight. “Cajun Joe,” the team’s foreman, takes her, for some inexplicable reason, to Tante Berthe’s Café where Tante Berthe herself sings the folk classic “Hey You.” The song sets the exotic, alluring mood for the film, and also heralds the imminent demise of both Tante and Cajun Joe. Ananka’s mummified hubby isn’t about to let his ancient bride be subjected to Cajun crooning. Why the mummy is in a Louisiana swamp to begin with is anybody’s guess, as its prequel, The Mummy’s Ghost, ended in Massachussetts. Lon Chaney, Jr. apparently hated this film, and it ended the Mummy franchise at Universal Studios for several decades. Still, I’ve always liked the Cajun vibe of this film.

3. “Your Eyes See But My Shadow” from Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Your eyes see but my shadow
My heart is overflowing
There so much you can learn to love
You’re not content knowing
Tenderly you could see my soul

The current stage version of Phantom gets all the glory, but Robert Englund put aside his striped sweater to play the part of Erik, the brilliant composer turned monster who makes a deal with the devil in exchange for the perfect song for his opera Don Juan Triumphant. Naturally, the deal goes south and his face melts off as soon as the song is complete. The song, called “Your Eyes See But My Shadow,” is lost for decades until an up and coming opera singer needs a break and rediscovers it. To be honest, this film is a pretty lousy version of Phantom, but the song is actually quite good. As is often the case with catchy diddies, anyone who hears it in the film is likely to die in a freak stage accident involving scaffolding and sandbags. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the song is good enough to justify having your face horribly disfigured, it’s undeniably the best part of the film.

4. Freddy’s Lullaby from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.

I don’t know why lullabies are so inherently scary. Perhaps it’s because they remind us of how strange and uncanny sleep really is–something children seem to know, even if adults learn to forget it. Most traditional lullabies have a surreal and even violent subtext that equates sleep with death, or suggest that mysterious things happen during the night when we’re asleep and vulnerable. Wes Craven taps into all of these fears in the original Nightmare, a film that scared me as a kid far worse than other films of that era. That was due in no small part to this creepy lullaby often sung by jump-roping children and always a portent of Freddy’s arrival.

5. “In Dreams” from Blue Velvet (1986)

A candy colored clown they call the Sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
“Go to sleep everything is all right.”

It’s amazing that this film can turn such a classic, if saccharine, song into something so utterly depraved. The sexually ambiguous Ben initially does a bizarre pantomime version of the song, but it’s Frank’s recitation of it to Jeffrey before savagely beating him that makes it so horrifying. He delivers the song’s lyrics, after dosing himself with a powerful hallucinogenic gas, with such emphasis and force that he seems to insist that there’s a hidden message in it, or that it might give Jeffrey the answers he’s looking for. None of this is true, but the fact that Frank thinks so makes him—and the song—all the more frightening.

6. “Nights in White Satin” from Halloween 2 (2009)

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end,
Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.
Beauty I’d always missed with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore.

In his version of Halloween 2, Rob Zombie uses the classic Moody Blues song to symbolize Michael’s insanity and his powerful attachment to his dead mother. And it means a whole lot of hurt for anyone in the film who hears it. The song is very effective in setting an eerie tone for the film, and Zombie also uses it to establish the film’s use of white as symbol for oblivion. To that end, he also includes an archetypal white horse, which, as he explains at the beginning of the film, is a universal symbol for instinct, purity, rage, chaos and destruction. In much the same way, the television show Twin Peaks used a white horse to symbolize heroin addiction and the loss of reason. In Melville’s Moby Dick, the white whale symbolizes both god and death. None of this is even remotely relevant to John Carpenter’s Halloween or any of his original characters, and I don’t think Rob Zombie gives a rat’s ass. “Nights in White Satin” is still an awesome song though.

7. The cell phone ringtone from One Missed Call (2004)

Being a ringtone, this song has no lyrics at all, but it’s strangely haunting and the kind of tune that gets stuck in your head and you can’t remember where you heard it. The American remake chose inexplicably to use a different song than that used in Takishi Miike’s original, but the Japanese version of the song is far better in my opinion. It reminds me of a child’s music box that’s somehow playing underwater or after it’s been badly damaged. As far as I know, the song is unique to the film, and is not a traditional lullaby. In the world of One Missed Call, hearing this ringtone on your cell phone signals your imminent death, similar to the phone call from The Ring but without the prerequisite of having watched a pretentious art school project on VHS. Here’s a little fact that I didn’t know until writing this post: Corey has this ringtone assigned to my incoming calls on his iPhone.

Related posts:

1. Songs That Should Be Horror Films
2. Pop Music and Horror Films – Part Two

1. Nightbreed (1990)
I love this film (and Clive Barker’s novel Cabal on which it’s based), but I think Nightbreed was a missed opportunity. This film really needs a sequel, because despite some problems with plot and pacing, it has so many intriguing characters with little or no development plus a rich mythology of which we are only given a small glimpse. I’m a fan of the Hellraiser series, but Nightbreed has far more material for a franchise, so a sequel should be a walk in the park. The film has a strong cult following, but it never got a fair shake because for some reason the studio billed it as a slasher film, and I’ve always heard that Barker wasn’t happy with the finished product. Nightbreed left the door wide open for a sequel that could focus on just how Boone will fulfill his destiny as Cabal, as well as how Ashberry will fulfill his role as the Breed’s new arch-villain or any other number of stories dealing with the mythology’s past.

2. Slither (2006)
We don’t need a Cloverfield sequel. There, I said it. THIS is the monster movie that needs a sequel. Slither is smart and fun, with likable characters and monsters that behave as a real monsters should. Slither is wonderfully devoid of annoying media hype, secret web pages, viral marketing, or a monster who makes peek-a-boo screen appearances. Slither was a gift to fans of old-fashioned, b-grade horror, and it left me wanting more. Where did that slithery, parasitic alien come from? Slither takes place in a small southern town, and I loved that, but what would happen if one of those parasites landed in a larger southern city, such as Memphis or Nashville? I know I’d watch a film that has cowboys, country singers, Elvis impersonators and zombies in it. Plus, Nathan Fillion really deserves more time on the big screen.

3. Ghosts of Mars (2001)
While obviously not John Carpenter’s best film, I don’t understand why so many people hate Ghosts of Mars. It has a terrific original soundtrack by Carpenter, Steve Vai, and the enigmatic guitar virtuoso Buckethead. Jason Statham does a competent job in it, as does Natasha Hinstridge, and I even liked Ice-Cube’s portrayal of Desolation Williams. And how could anyone not respect the tough and sassy Helena Braddock, played by the original Foxy Brown herself, Pam Grier. I think people were annoyed by the flashbacks and unconventional narrative style, but the story itself is a simple, straightforward allegory about the conflict between science and magic, good and evil, masculinity and femininity, love and war or whatever binary opposition you care to pick. Carpenter needs to redeem this film by giving it a sequel. The story warrants it, as the evil red horde of Martians that are still loose at the end of the film are, of course, going to make their way to mother Earth and, of course, it’ll be up to Ice-Cube to save the day yet again. But this time, he could enlist the help of always-bad-ass Eliza Dusku (who’s out of work now that Dollhouse has been axed) or maybe 50-Cent, which isn’t all that far-fetched since he’s started acting now. I will go on the record here and now as saying that I want to see that film.

4. The Tingler (1959)
Even though it often shows up on lists for the worst films of all time, I love the shameless, ham-fisted glory that is The Tingler. The film included such gimmicks as placing buzzers under the theater seats, a staff of fake nurses on standby in case of heart attacks, and color sequences added to the black and white film to highlight the shock of the blood-filled bathtub. All of this was designed to exploit the film’s premise that a mysterious creature called “the tingler” lives in each of us watching the film and is responsible for producing fear. None of those tricks would work today, if they ever did, but just imagine what an intrepid, creative director could do with the concept today: a 3d tingler set loose in the theater, complete with surround sound and movable seats. After the film is released, it could also make for a really kick-ass permanent attraction at Disney World.

5. They Live (1988)
Along with Escape from New York, They Live is another John Carpenter film that defined my young adulthood, so I have admittedly selfish reasons for wanting to see what a modern reboot of it might look like. I love the way Nada, the film’s hero (played by Rowdy Roddy Piper) is content to simply “kick ass and chew bubble gum.” He has no moody, complicated brooding, or inner demons to wrestle with—just those legions of alien scum. But, more than that, the film’s anti-corporate, anti-sloganeering, anti-commercial message is very much needed today. In our culture of incessant tweeting, text-messaging, viral networking, and product placement, we need another Nada to smack the slick veneer off it all and show us that there’s more to life if we look hard enough. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has been doing really schmaltzy family-friendly movies lately, like The Gridiron Gang and The Tooth Fairy. I’d love to see him in the role of Nada, grabbing those alien scum by their white collars as he shouts “can you smell what the Nada is cooking?”

6. May (2002)
I love the simplicity of slasher film killers. They kill because they’re evil, or insane, or seek revenge, and that’s about it. But it’s refreshing when a director such as Lucky McKee takes this genre to new places. May is much more than a slasher or Frankenstein knock-off. It’s a well-crafted and skillfully unsettling character study of what it means to be a social misfit. Even though the film is terrific as is, I don’t think we’ve gotten to the bottom of May’s psychosis, or exhausted the film’s potential as an allegory of alienation. Just like we needed a sequel to Ginger Snaps to take its original metaphor about puberty and femininity into surprising new directions involving drugs and addiction, we need a sequel to May. It ends with that ambiguous final sequence in which her creation Amy seems to come to life. The insinuation is that it’s all in May’s head, and that’s she’s more isolated and in her head than ever before. But what would May be like if she finally found the companionship and acceptance she so desperately needs? What kind of person could give that her? Together, I bet they would be even creepier than the desperately lonely version of May.

7. Dagon (2001)
Hardcore fans of Lovecraft may quibble with the fact that the film Dagon is actually a version of the novella The Shadow over Insmouth, but it’s one of the more successful adaptations nonetheless. I’m not sure I like the way Ezra Godden plays his character Paul Marsh as a bumbling boob until the last quarter of the film, but Stuart Gordon’s portrayal of the town Imboca is incredible. It captures the combinations of the grotesque, the sublime, the surreal and the serene that makes Lovecraft’s fiction so creepy and compelling. The film had a modest budget and the special effects are mostly terrific, but I would love to see what Gordon could do with a more substantial budget in a reboot of Dagon. I’m talking about the kind of budget and ambition that Peter Jackson had with his Lord of the Rings trilogy. While far more esoteric and hidden, Lovecraft’s world of slithering, sickly gods and half-human mutants has just as much depth and richness as Tolkien’s Middle Earth; that’s more than enough to warrant a proper trilogy of its own.

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5. Pop Music and Horror Films – Part Two

the best horror films of 2009

#8

martyrs

martyrs is an incredibly brave and shocking film. the plot drastically shifts gears halfway into the film and while many (myself included) prefer the trajectory of the first half, the direction it ends up heading is undeniably thought-provoking. more evidence that there are some really f’d up filmmakers in france.

#7

my bloody valentine 3d

one of the few remakes to surpass the film it’s based on, my bloody valentine 3d is a fun, exciting slasher with its tongue firmly planted in its cheek. best viewed in three dimensions, the theatrical experience is not simulated well at home, but the blu-ray comes far closer than the dvd version.

#6

friday the 13th

hated by many, i really dug the friday the 13th reboot. simplistic and flawed, yes — but what prior entry in the series wasn’t? i still kinda cringe at the idea of jason kidnapping people… but that’s really a small complaint against what’s really a fantastically entertaining and shockingly brutal entry in one my favorite franchises.

#5

splinter

splinter is a by-the-numbers trapped-in-an-enclosed-place monster flick, but it’s so well executed that it never feels formulaic or predictable. if i’d seen this when i was 13, i know i would have loudly proclaimed to friends and family that this was THE BEST FILM EVER and maybe even written a really crappy fanfic cross-over sequel titled splinter vs the thing.

#4

trick ‘r treat

horror anthologies have a long history… unfortunately recent parts of that history primarily involve sucking. trick ‘r treat is an extreme exception to that trend. sam, the sack hooded trick-r-treater, is one of the cutest (and simultaneously creepiest) horror villains in recent memory. the studio seemed to lack confidence in the film, but i hope its success on dvd is large enough to ensure this isn’t the last we see of sam.

#3

drag me to hell

sam raimi’s absence from horror has been sorely felt for years. any fears i harbored that raimi’s skill at creating his own unique campy brand of horror had atrophied after years baby-sitting spider-man were laid to rest with the release of this immensely stylish and funny demonic thriller.

#2

paranormal activity

like the best campfire ghost stories, paranormal activity is simple, short and terrifying. it really needs to be viewed with no distractions and, preferably, late at night. its scares will not work for everyone, but those that are susceptible to its subtle brand of horror will be creeped out long after the credits have rolled. and on dvd, since they list about fifty gajillion fans… those credits are really, really long.

#1

jennifer’s body

if you’d told me a year ago that my favorite horror film of the year would star megan fox, i would have likely backed slowly away from you and called the guys with the big butterfly nets. or maybe i would have just thought what you said was just highly unlikely to be true. regardless… that hypothetical you would have been absolutely right. many seem to have trouble getting past diablo cody’s stylized uber-cool teen speak, but unrealistic dialogue works for me when done well (e.g. heathers, clockwork orange or anything written by joss whedon, quentin tarantino or david mamet). a smart and satirical horror/black comedy, i predict this will be a cult classic years from now when the megan fox backlash wears off. i could be wrong though… as one fellow blogger (brad of ilovehorror.net) put it, “watching jennifer’s body made me want to punch a baby in the face.”

the worst horror films of 2009

#5

the haunting in connecticut

like the amityville horror, this is another new england ghost tale supposedly based on a bullshit true story. boring and far from scary, this haunted house film brings little new to the table. and i still can’t figure out what’s supposed to be happening in the poster — my best guess is that someone is vomiting on the space shuttle.

#4

stan helsing

despite a surprisingly likable cast, stan helsing is dragged down by a terrible concept and an unfortunate lack of anything approximating ‘funny.’ i picked this up because i imagined it was going to be in the vein of scary movie, but instead of being aimed at the post-modern slashers like scream and i know what you did last summer, it’d take on the 1980s slasher classics. and while leatherface, freddy and jason do make appearances (oh-so-cleverly renamed pleatherface, fweddy and mason), classic slasher situations and cliches are completely absent, replaced with a scooby-doo-esque setup and more fart jokes than i care to recall.

#3

the unborn

i should have known better than to think a movie that relies on photoshopped butt cheeks as its main draw could be decent, but i took a $20 gamble on the unborn (on blu-ray no less). new to the blu-ray revolution, my magical thinking was that seeing the film in HD might somehow improve the experience of the film… which is a lot like thinking a piece of dog crap would look more appealing because you’re using a magnifying glass. i’ve blocked most of it from my memory, but it had something to do with a dead twin, the holocaust, another dead twin and gary oldman with a funky accent.

#2

offspring

offspring begs you to be shocked by the fact that children are committing murder, which is somewhat offset by the fact that the children in question are dressed like bam-bam rubble and pebbles flintstone and the bloody entrails they’re playing in look suspiciously like rubber tubes doused in ketchup. as the tired cliches rack up and the preposterous plot collapses in on itself, you can’t help but feel bad for the kids who got to tell all their friends they were going to be in a big hollywood movie — and then had to put up with the teasing, playground bullying and dating-related rejections that no doubt occurred once this film hit dvd. it’s also worth noting that this film is based on the second book in a series, which may make it a first in the horror genre… a sequel to a film that hasn’t been made yet.

#1

the cell 2

completely ignoring the one thing that the original film got right (its stunning nightmarish visuals), the cell 2 is a cluster-f of bad writing, poor direction, crappy cgi and frank whaley. this movie isn’t just tedious and boring… if placed in close proximity to other dvds on your shelf, i fear it could cause other films to become more tedious and boring via osmosis. avoid at all costs.

the best horror documentaries of 2009

not quite hollywood

while geographically narrow in scope (not quite hollywood deals with only australian films), this is one of the best documentaries about exploitation films ever made. i could watch this thing all day long.

his name was jason

a documentary detailing the history of the friday the 13th franchise, hosted by tom savini? now if i ever run across a genie in a lamp, i’ve got an extra wish to use!

zombie girl: the movie

following 12-year-old emily hagins in her quest to make the feature length zombie epic pathogen, zombie girl is a touching and inspirational story of how one young girl somehow manages to pull off what i’m sure every horror fan dreamed of doing as a kid. don’t miss this film and be sure to read our q&a with emily and check out her site at cheesynuggets.com to see what she’s up to now.

the most surprising horror films of 2009

saw 6

the saw franchise has been in a steady decline for a while now, and no one expected that trend to change with part six. wrong we were, however, as the sixth entry in franchise proved to be far superior to the last few sequels and added in some much-needed depth by using jigsaw’s increasingly improbable exploits to comment on current politics. not the best film in the series, but a welcome change of direction that gives hope for future entries.

orphan

despite featuring one of my favorite actors (peter sarsgaard), orphan looked bad. like, really bad. i stayed far away from it theatrically, and tried my best to avoid it on dvd. however, one night the dangerous combination of having a little too much to drink and browsing the pay-per-view channel ended with me giving it a try. luck was on my side that night as orphan is a surprisingly well executed thriller, largely due to the amazingly creepy performance from child star isabelle fuhrman. a fantastic entry in the ‘evil child’ genre.

the most disappointing horror films of 2009

the final destination

the final destination films have always had fantastic deaths, an easy-to-understand (if silly) mythology and somewhat interesting characters. throw 3d in the mix, and it seems like a perfect match. unfortunately final destination 4 (bizarrely retitled the final destination) keeps the deaths but makes little sense plot-wise and features the least-defined characters in horror history. i don’t need much in terms of characterization, but these teens/20-somethings don’t appear to be high school students, college students or employed. apparently their purpose in life is to just sit around their scarcely furnished but expensive looking apartments and wait to die. which, thankfully, they do in short order.

laid to rest

i had high hopes for laid to rest. it looked to be a unique take on the slasher formula with some old-school special effects. while the death sequences are indeed impressive, there is little to like in the rest of the film (with the possible exception of a catchy song that’s entire lyrics seem to be “sexy bitches are my favorite kind of bitches”). the characters and situations are impossible to identify with because every character reaction seems disconnected from reality and contradicts common sense. like a bad sitcom, laid to rest feels like it takes place in a confined, artificial and magical world which, unfortunately, makes getting scared by or emotionally attached to anything that happens in that world impossible.

the grudge 3

after the grudge 2, i doubt many expected very much from part three. however, when i saw it was directed by splinter creator toby wilkins, i got very excited that maybe the new sequel might exceed expectations. for whatever reason, this is not the case… the grudge 3 is just more tired, poorly executed jump scares paired with an unengaging story. rather disappointing given the combination of such a talented director and a horror franchise with such potential.

my name is bruce

my name is bruce is one of those concepts that sounds impossible to screw up… bruce campbell as bruce campbell vs the undead. but they found a way. campbell somehow manages to be unlikable, unfunny and uninteresting through the majority of this film, which is shocking to anyone who’s ever met him or seen him speak. given his natural charisma, charm and improv ability, it’s shocking how poorly my name is bruce turned out. maybe with spider-man now abandoned, bruce and sam raimi can finally be reunited and produce something as good as the film this should have been.

the most bizarre horror film of 2009

halloween ii

rob zombie’s h2 is one of the strangest franchise slasher films ever made. flawed but fascinating, it is (for better or worse) the product of a singular vision and definitely the exact film that zombie wanted to make. the entire thing, from the jarring opening sequence to the inclusion of “love hurts” in the closing credits feels like a giant raised middle finger from rob zombie. unfortunately, it’s unclear to me who the finger is raised to… critics? the studio? fans? there are things i like and things i don’t about the film and i have yet to firmly decide how i feel about it as a whole (hopefully watching the unrated cut this week will solidify my feelings one way or the other). in any case, its brazen disregard for convention and unquestionably unique take on the evil in haddonfield make it a must-see for genre fans.

the biggest fumble of 2009

the last house on the left

like many films before it (the most maddening example being spielberg’s a.i.), the remake of the last house on the left is a brilliant piece of film making that falls completely and utterly on its face in its final moments and really should have just ended just a few minutes earlier. like seeing your favorite team leading through the whole game, only to lose with seconds on the clock… finishing this film is a disheartening experience that makes you wish it had sucked from the beginning instead of getting your hopes up. while spielberg had no such excuse (having final cut), the ending of the last house on the left stinks of studio interference. an unfortunate bit of interference that is solely responsible for keeping this film off many a ‘best of’ list. including mine.

Related posts:

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3. Horror Community Highlights – November 27, 2009
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5. Horror Community Highlights – October 2nd, 2009

the texas chainsaw massacre (2003)
platinum dunes gets an unfair shake from many hardcore horror fans, i think. i was a big fan of friday the 13th and the trailer for their upcoming elm street re-imagining also looks interesting, but it all started with 2003′s remake of the texas chainsaw massacre, my favorite of their releases thus far. director marcus nispel seems to have an odd fascination with teens journeying far from home in search of bushels of marijuana, given that both texas chainsaw (2003) and the new friday the 13th open with that setup, but that storyline works far better in 1970s texas than it does in modern-day crystal lake. this remake abandons the camp of the original series’ sequels, and instead focuses on being as vicious and brutal as the original film, a goal which it largely succeeds in reaching. oh, and kudos to platinum dunes for opening the film with narration voiced by john laroquette (just as in the original) which perfectly sets the tone of the film.

the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning
in what may be a first, the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning is technically a sequel which is a prequel to a remake. it actually makes sense though given that the remake had introduced us to a host of bizarre characters, the next logical step was to explain how these characters came to be. the plot line is basically the same (kids run afoul of leatherface’s family and hijinks ensue), but that’s fine because this film has the same gritty tone, mood and visual feel of the remake, which was its biggest asset. as in the first film, r. lee ermey steals the show, in many ways eclipsing leatherface himself as the series’ prime villain, which is no small feat. i think there was even less enthusiasm for this film than the first from horror fans at large, but i personally love them both.

the texas chainsaw massacre 2
two chainsaw films in, i decided to just go ahead and officially make it a southern perennial-unfriendly marathon by throwing in tcm part 2. now maybe it was the fact that i was mainlining nyquil at the time, but i’d completely forgotten how f’ing weird this film is. the whole thing feels like a comedic torture-porn directed by david lynch, which i can’t honestly say is necessarily a bad thing. it would be a bizarre dark comedy all on its own, but tcm 2 is just so different from the original film that i can’t imagine what audiences must have thought back in 1986. while it may lack the scares and visual style of the original, it more than makes up for it in blood-crazed whimsy, gore and wacky dialogue (e.g., “oh, my achin’ banana!”, “leatherface, you bitch! look what you did to my sonny bono wig!”, “dog will hunt!”, and “it’s like super-feedback. just put the underwoofer across the overflapper”).

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1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
2. Villanelle Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part Two
3. The Fashion & Aesthetics of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)
5. Frontier(s) – Horrorfest 2007 Follow-up

i’ve seen some people complaining that this remake is unnecessary, some even to the point of boycotting watching the trailer. to me, that’s just silly… whether they turn out good or bad, i love seeing other people’s interpretation of stories i love. macbeth is my favorite of shakespeare’s works, and i enjoy seeing it reinterpreted by different directors and actors time and time again. the same is true of my favorite horror films. remake them all, i say. and when they’re done remaking them… remake them again. the more horror films out there, remakes or original, the better.

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While we all know what types of films the adjective “exploitation” refers to, I’ve often wondered exactly who or what is the object of the exploitation in question? Is it the audience, the film or, perhaps, a particular subject matter? These answers are not mutually exclusive, since in truth the answer is likely all three. These films exploit lurid or disturbing subject matter, often at the expense of quality. The advertising for such films does this as well, attempting to shock and/or titillate, as opposed to focusing on a film’s quality, stars or artistic aspects. And, of course, the film and its advertising are each exploiting the audience’s more prurient interests for financial gain. In this scenario, usually everyone involved is left satisfied – the filmmakers make their money and the audience gets to enjoy sating their desire to watch films their mother would probably prefer they didn’t. In terms of this arrangement, The Toolbox Murders (1978) is a complete and utter success, while its 2003 remake exploits very little other than its own title.

The Toolbox Murders (1978) is an excellent example of the term “exploitation film.” Its poster art features a nearly nude woman bathing in front of a masked assailant carrying a power drill. A hammer forms the second ‘T’ in the title, which sits atop a toolbox leaking blood. “Bit by bit… by bit he carved a nightmare!” the poster rather awkwardly exclaims. “What he does to your nerves is almost as frightening as what he does to his victims!” an oddly placed placard reads. This poster is attempting to communicate one singular message – “This movie has more blood and tits than you could possibly imagine, so go f’ing see it!” – a message it gets across successfully, albeit bluntly. I don’t know how well this film delivers on that promise, but in terms of its advertising, any theater patron coming across this poster knows instantly what the film is about and whether they want to see it. More than thirty years later, it is still rare to find film advertising that so clearly and succinctly communicates its message at a single glance.

Beyond the actual film and its advertising, the idea for the film was born not from creative desire, but from financial aspiration. In many ways, the story of the making of the film is more interesting than the film itself. Producer Toni DiDio noticed that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was playing at his local theater for a second run. Amazed, he asked the distributor to send him a copy of the movie and he pulled together a television director and a writing team and invited them to a private screening of the film. They were told that when the film started, they would know what it was and their job was to come up with an idea for this film’s market. Toni, the driving force behind The Toolbox Murders, then waited next door for the film to end because he didn’t really like horror films.

We all know the film business is just that – a business, but rarely do you see it so plainly as here. The Toolbox Murders only exists because a producer saw a niche he thought was not fully exploited, and he crafted a film to fit it. Its goal was not to be a better film than Tobe Hooper’s masterpiece, but simply to be a similar film (with additional blood and nudity) that would appeal to the same audience. In those regards, the film is a resounding success and I can’t imagine audiences being disappointed. This is a film that’s title and poster scream “this is the kind of movie where you might get to see a naked woman get murdered with a nailgun.” And, about halfway into the film, that’s exactly what it delivers.

Given that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the inspiration for The Toolbox Murders, it’s ironic that Tobe Hooper would end up directing the latter film’s 2003 remake. You would think part of the reason Tobe was chosen was that the producers were aware of his influence on the original film, but the decision seems to be based simply on the fact that Tobe was the most well-known director they could get for the money available. Regardless, any failings of The Toolbox Murders (2003) in terms of camera work, editing, lighting or other directorial responsibilities may fall on the shoulders of Tobe Hooper, but the film’s failure as a remake of an exploitation classic fall largely with the producers.

The Toolbox Murders (1978) is not a film for everyone and, given its subject matter, its no mystery why fans of the film are in the minority. No one is under any obligation to watch the film except, one might reasonably argue, the people responsible for remaking it. And yet on the commentary track for The Toolbox Murders (2003), producers Jascqueline Quella and Terence Potter clearly state that they couldn’t watch more than a few minutes of the original film. Quella goes so far as to call it “the most misogynistic film I’d ever seen,” an opinion based on seeing only a small fraction of the entire film. When the producers obtained the rights to the film’s title, it came with a draft of a script similar to the original film, which was quickly discarded. With Tobe Hooper attached as director, they began crafting a new script, one with a much different agenda than that of the 1978 film. The original film’s plot was, as you’d probably expect, exceedingly simple. A crazed lunatic kills women in an apartment complex with various household tools in response to a past trauma. He continues killing young women in various states of undress until one of the victims fights back. In the 1980s, this premise would become the basic formula for dozens, if not hundreds, of other exploitative slasher films.

The producers of The Toolbox Murders remake, however, decided their film would go in a different direction. The basic slasher concept was replaced with a story that focuses on the mystery of how an old apartment complex came to be built. Women and men are now killed, and there is no nudity. And, perhaps strangest of all, the killer is not a deranged sexual predator and psychopath but instead a 100-year-old warlock who uses his victims and the hotel itself to cast a spell to keep himself alive for centuries.

While I doubt I am the first to say it after learning of the plot of this film, I’d like to take this moment to officially say, “What the hell?” To be fair, the killer does, in fact, kill using tools – but that has little to do with the plot or an appreciation of the original film and everything to do justifying the film’s title.

In terms of financial success, the reason for remaking a film is to bank on the popularity of the original. Rarely does a remake replicate its source material exactly (a notable exception being the blasphemous Psycho remake), but it would seem wise to make a strong attempt to a film that, by-and-large, would appeal to the same audience as the original. I have no issue with someone making a film about a male witch who lives in the walls of a Hollywood building in an attempt to achieve eternal life. However, I don’t think that’s the film anyone would expect to see when paying to watch a remake of The Toolbox Murders.

The Toolbox Murders (2003) is an exploitative film, but not really of the variety I described earlier. Instead of exploiting a certain topic, marketing niche or people’s less than noble desires, this film is simply exploiting the audience of the original film. It’s a bait-and-switch, based not on audience expectations but on the personal preferences of the film’s producers. Toni DiDio may not have been a fan of slasher films, but his job was to deliver a film that would satisfy audiences that did. Given the financial success of The Toolbox Murders (1978), it’s obvious this goal was achieved. The remake, on the other hand, is far less successful, both creatively and financially. The answer to why this may be seems obvious – the film fails to deliver on the promises that the title and claims of being a remake entail. Furthermore, fans of spooky apartment/mystical drywall-concealed witch stories can hardly be blamed for failing to recognize this film as such, based on its title.

Successful remakes are a new take on an existing story that remains true in spirit to the original. Successful exploitation films may not deliver all the thrills, chills or brassiere cup sizes that the posters may imply; but they do not leave the audience feeling as though they just wasted their money. It’s unfortunate both for fans of the original film and fans of Tobe Hooper’s work that The Toolbox Murders (2003) fails on both these counts. You would think that remaking a film like The Toolbox Murders would be a rather self-evident and simple task, but in what must have been a task comparable to salmon swimming upstream, the forces behind the remake seemed hell-bent on proving this wrong. Removing not just the basic plot but almost everything that makes exploitation films what they are, The Toolbox Murders (2003) is an empty, soulless film that takes itself far too seriously and leaves all the fun back in the decade of disco, leisure suits and pet rocks.

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Corey and I spent a weekend in NYC at Fangoria’s Weekend of Horror, and I’m still processing all the strange sights and sounds. We were witness to a horror-themed fashion show hosted by the one-and-only Gwar; we met a demented DVD salesman named Twisted Chris; I was nearly impaled by the over-sized spikes on the shoulders of Gwar’s Oderus Urungus; we saw Tom Savini single-handedly destroy the elaborately constructed curtains on the main stage as he made his surprise entrance to be the guest judge of a costume contest.

However, one of the more surprising things about the Fangoria convention was the recurring complaint offered by its guest speakers that the current trend of horror film remakes is bad–REALLY bad– for horror films. For instance, during the Last House on the Left panel discussion, the villains from the original film, (David Hess, Fred Lincoln, and Marc Sheffler) unanimously agreed that the remake of their film is, at best, simply a calculated effort to make money, and, at worst, a film that is helping to prevent real horror films from being made. David Hess explained it like this: what made the original film so subversive and powerful was that Wes Craven and the cast really had nothing to lose. They could take risks without worrying so much about a studio’s bottom line. Fred Lincoln speculated that another thing that made the film so powerful was its intimate and natural connection with the culture and zeitgeist of the 1970s, and so the film loses much of its original tone when transplanted to another decade. The result is that we’re watching a replica of a horror film when we could, if it weren’t for all these pesky remakes, watch real horror films.

Nearly every panelist or guest speaker said as much over the weekend. Tom Savini hated the Friday the 13th remake. Doug Bradley is appalled by the fact that a Hellraiser remake is being developed, and he cited many of the same reasons offered by Hess and Lincoln— it’s simply a vehicle for making money, it risks nothing, and it crowds the market for new and innovative horror films. Horror fans should instead demand that film makers find ways to keep it gritty and make it shocking. This won’t happen, as one panelist said, if directors insist on using eye-candy from the WB network in their films simply for an increase in revenues. As Bradley put it, we need to avoid warmed-over films and instead “go looking for the new again.”

But perhaps the most articulate explanation as to why we should all be suspicious of remakes came from James Marsters, the Spike-y headed vampire from Buffy. He likened the situation to the difference between New York’s glossy, professional, and strictly for-profit Broadway Theater and Chicago’s non-profit Steppenwolfe Theater. While you’re guaranteed to see a good and entertaining show on Broadway, you’re not likely to encounter the sort of gutsy, unpredictable, and challenging theatrical experience offered by Steppenwolfe. A non-profit theater company can take risks with their material, artistry, and audience expectations in a way that other theater companies can’t because they have to be concerned with simply filling their seats every night. By the same logic, remakes will always be problematic because they’re more likely to simply be commercial ventures, and they seldom take the same risks as the original.

On the one hand, I am completely sympathetic with all of these arguments. While I actually liked the Friday remake, I admit that it didn’t have the same impact, or creepiness, or gut-wrenching fun as the original films. And I cannot fathom why anyone would think it’s a good idea to do a remake of Hitchcock’s Psycho, a damn near perfect film, other than it might be a convenient way to make a buck. Still, I can’t help but think that for every big-budget, glossy remake, there are dozens upon dozens of horror films being made that have no mercenary intentions, or any intentions at all other than to scare the bejeesus out of you, or provide an altogether new twist on an old story. 2008’s Dawn of the Dead is a perfect example of a director making a classic film seem new again. And if it weren’t for remakes, we wouldn’t have such modern gems as The Fly, The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or the many good versions of Dracula. Good or bad, there have always been remakes, and, as the good book says, there’s really nothing new under the sun. Both Hellraiser and Last House on the Left were, technically, remakes of earlier literary works. I think much of what was said at Fangoria stems from what must be the uncomfortable experience of watching your original work turn into a simulation of itself, much like walking into a wax museum and seeing your life-sized replica. Still, the panelists at New York’s Fangoria offered an interesting challenge to horror fans and film makers alike — without at least some risk, there’s no possibility for genuine horror.

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3. Seven Horror Films That Need a Sequel or Reboot
4. The Most Disturbing Horror Films Ever Made – Part I
5. Horror Remakes By The Same Director

fangoria reports that the details of the my bloody valentine 3d dvd have been released. in addition to a commentary track with the director and co-writer and several featurettes, all versions (standard, special edition and blu-ray) will all feature the film in both 2d and 3d versions and include four sets of glasses. this will not be the real3d clear glasses used in the theater (that can’t work at home without special equipment), but will instead be the standard stereoscopic blue/red version. while not nearly as cool as real3d, this should still be quite entertaining and far better quality than the other slasher film just released on dvd in 3d. (here’s the cover art for the my bloody valentine 3d dvds.)

also, since i used a picture of a dog, that gives me a segue to be self-indulgent and post two pictures of my dogs (mulder & servo). i’ve included a prop so as to not stray too far from the topic of this blog.

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D
2. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards
3. Remakes Update
4. MBV Special edition and F13 Uncut
5. Why Dogs Hate Halloween

eden lake

somehow eden lake slipped by me completely unnoticed. i hadn’t even heard of it when i saw it listed as one of the nominees on a ‘best horror film of the year’ ballot last week. its status on netflix is the impatient film lover’s death sentence (‘very long wait’), so i had little choice but to pick it up when i saw one lone copy sitting at best buy. that turns out to be one of the better decisions i made this week (for example, much better than my decision to eat some stale hostess blueberry mini-muffins today). eden lake falls into the ‘survival horror’ subgenre, and is similar in tone and plot to wolf creek, frontier(s), the descent and storm warning. the rules are fairly simple in this type of film — naive, usually nice people wander too far away from their familiar surroundings and run into some not-so-nice locals who test the survival instinct of the nice people until one or more of the victims decides to (sometimes successfully, usually not) fight back. in the case of eden lake, our nice people are a couple out for a camping trip (and a surprise wedding proposal) on the shore of (what quickly becomes the ironically named) ‘eden lake.’ the twist here is that the not-so-nice locals turns out to be a gang of obnoxious 10 to 14 year olds out for proverbial “kicks,” one would presume. an argument over the kids playing their music too loud (damn kids!) and ogling the soon-to-be-fiancee escalates to the kids stealing the couple’s car… and things get just get worse from there. there is a type of movie i call an ‘exhale’ movie. when the credits finally begin to roll, you suddenly realize you’ve basically been leaning forward and only taking shallow breaths for the last hour. the final moments of the film are so intense and disturbing, the only real response you can muster is to put your hands on your knees and slowly exhale… you might think of getting up to get a soda, and might even start to move, but then slump back on the couch and exhale again. few movies have that effect on me, but this is one of them. images and moments from this film (those from the last 5 minutes, in particular) will lodge themselves in your gut for days, if not longer. highly recommended.

quarantine

as mentioned in my ‘best of 2008′ post, quarantine is the american remake of [rec]. as far as i know, quarantine is the first remake put into production before the film it was based on had even been finished. that sounds like a formula for disaster, but in many ways this remake is superior to the original. it’s hard to make comparisons because the films are so incredibly similar, but in the ways they do differ i think the remake comes out ahead. the lead actress (dexter‘s jennifer carpenter) plays paralyzing fear phenomenally, with no concern for vanity. in general the scares are more effective in quarantine, as is the “infected” make-up. the one exception to this is the thin creature in the attic, which is much creepier in the original. the ultimate explanation for the infection is left vague in both versions, but the supernatural “possession” slant is not even hinted at in the remake. the american version also wisely removed the bizarre scene from the original where the characters rewind the tape to rewatch something. Instead of having the camera cut-off then immediately cut-back with the characters discussing the footage they’d just watched (a la cloverfield), the tape actually rewound and replayed itself, breaking the “found footage” framework. you really can’t go wrong watching either version — but if you do like one, you should probably check out the other to decide which you prefer for yourself.

Related posts:

1. Corey’s Best of 2008
2. REC
3. Corey’s Worst of 2008
4. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
5. One Missed Call (2008)

jon and i wrote the following short opinions this past weekend after seeing friday the 13th (2009) without consulting each other. i’m glad to see that, at least when it comes to jason voorhees, we seem to be on exactly the same page. (don’t forget to email us your thoughts on the new film, your earliest memory of the series, your favorite jason costume photo or anything else friday the 13th related for our his name was jason dvd give-away. send it in or it’s the part 7 sleeping bag/tree treatment for you, i’m afraid.)

corey’s thoughts…

writing a review of this film would be kind of pointless, so i’ll take a different approach. however, if forced to summarize the review i might have written in two sentences, it would go like this — “friday the 13th (2009) slammed the start button on the whoop-ass machine. go see it.”

traditional critical reviews of the film are, predictably, not great. but that’s par for the course — no slasher film is ever going to win an academy award. that said though, i’m a little puzzled by the negative reactions the film is getting from people who love the friday the 13th series (see final girl’s mixed feelings on the film for an example). while i enjoyed many aspects of rob zombie’s halloween, i can easily understand why michael myers fans might not like the modern re-envisioning. in many ways, that film is not true to the series it is based on. however, i can’t really see how a jason voorhees fan couldn’t love this new version of friday the 13th. this film is a 97 minute love-letter to the franchise. it’s a great big party with no cover charge and an open bar thrown in honor of jason voorhees, and all fans of the series are invited. not all horror fans are treating it that way though.

i’m not saying this is a perfect film — it’s remarkably easy to find faults in it. the characterization is shallow at best, there are ginormous plot holes at every turn, and logic plays little part in the plot or the decisions of the characters. but since when did any of that matter in this series? jason’s very existence as a living adult has always been based on the biggest plot hole in film history — if he drowned, how’s he running around killing people? if he didn’t drown, what’d he do for the 25 years in the woods, besides not run back to the mother that was his entire world? it makes no sense… and maybe it doesn’t have to. in fact, i think i prefer that it doesn’t. if you had a time machine and could go back and tell sean cunningham in 1979 that jason would be the star of the series so they needed to write in some scenes of jason hiding in the woods and explain how he could see his mom beheaded into the first film — would that really make you enjoy the series more? isn’t part of loving friday the 13th embracing nonsensical plot devices, jason’s apparent ability to teleport and teenagers with little to no survival instinct? yeah, i know it makes no sense that there’s an underground mine underneath a camp, 20 yards from a lake. yeah, i know that no real survivor of a spree murderer would feel the need to drag jason’s body to a lake and dump it instead of leaving it for the cops. but isn’t that part of the charm of going to see a new friday? unlike most films, i don’t see plot holes and inconsistencies as flaws in this series — hell, they’re almost necessary ingredients.

the new friday is dark, gritty, and treats the original material with respect. most importantly though… it’s fun. at my showing, the audience reacted as one giant organism in a way i haven’t seen in a long time. jason was mean, fast and ferocious in a way i don’t think he’s ever been before. you can say this or that kill weren’t incredibly effective, but i think most lived up to the hype (the sleeping bag over the fire and the girl under the dock stand out in my mind). there hasn’t been a friday whose tone was this dark or a killer this scary since at least part four, and perhaps even as far back as part two or the original. i am incredibly appreciative as a fan of the series to see jason brought to life in a way that, really, he’d only existed in my childhood nightmares (which were always scarier than the campy late-series sequels that usually gave birth to them). i’ve been waiting twenty years to see a vision of jason voorhees that wasn’t treated as a joke, and for the cost of a sandwich and a soda i just got to see 90 minutes of a mean, kick-ass, “back-to-basics” version of him slaughter thirteen attractive, out-of-their-element, less than academically gifted teenagers at crystal lake. at least for me, it’s impossible to be disappointed in that.

Jon’s Thoughts…

Marcus Nispel’s remake of Friday the 13th is far from perfect, but let’s get a couple of things straight. First, this is not Jason goes to Hollywood, Jason on the moon, or Jason vs. the Wolfman. This is what slasher fans have been wanting for twenty years—a badass Jason doing what he does best, and doing it at Crystal Lake where he belongs. Second, if at least some part of you didn’t love the first 20 minutes of this film then I demand you hand in your official slasher-fan membership card. I’d argue that the first 20 minutes are the best in the film. Jason is relentless and terrifyingly efficient in killing the first wave of ne’er-do-well teenagers, and he does so before we even see the film’s title screen.

Of course, the film has its share of problems. The plot doesn’t make much sense. Why in the world, for example, would Clay and Whitney decide to dump Jason’s body in the lake? When the cops eventually show up, those kids are gonna have some ‘splaining to do, and having the body of the killer on hand would probably be a good idea. And why did Nispel put a mine in the middle of Crystal Lake? Who knows? But, really, who cares? This isn’t a franchise that’s ever stood on its tightly crafted story-arc. I’ve never cared at all that Jason is skinny lad with long hair in part 2, but a bald, beefy, he-man in part 3.

And then there’s the problem with Jason’s mom. I think most fans of the franchise will agree that writers Damian Shannon and Mark Swift handled it strangely, reducing all of the original part 1 to about 90 seconds. But I’m not sure they could have done it any other way. I’m glad they didn’t go the route of Rob Zombie and give Jason an elaborate origin story. That would have been silly. And they couldn’t simply ignore Mrs. Voorhees. So they really didn’t have many options.

I’ve read a lot of descriptions about the way Nispel has made Jason more human, which is true, but he’s still the same vengeful spirit that punishes anyone who, as the token crazy lady at Crystal Lake puts it, steps out of bounds. I don’t think this really counts as a ‘re-boot’ or ‘re-invention’ of the franchise—not in the way that Zombie re-invented Michael Myers, or in the way that Nispel re-booted Chainsaw. But, all in all, I think the new Friday the 13th is lots of fun, and a serious tribute to one of horror’s best slasher icons.

edit: I found this at the horror section and thought it was fitting…

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009
2. Friday the 13th Comics
3. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th (part 2)
4. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th
5. Friday the 13th Movie Site Goes Live

his name was jason contest

if you were unaware, a documentary is now out on dvd covering the entire friday the 13th series titled his name was jason. hosted by tom savini and covering all twelve films, this is the definitive visual companion piece to the book crystal lake memories. if you haven’t picked up a copy yet, you’re in luck – eo2l has an extra copy to give away!

“so,” you might be heard to say, “what do i need to do to obtain this blood-soaked piece of digital swag?” well, that’s the fun part. all you need to do is send me something friday the 13th related. a story, a photo, an image you created, a joke… i don’t care. whichever we deem to be the most interesting, impressive, funny and/or entertaining will win the dvd, and even those that don’t win may end up show-cased here in a future post. so it’s win-win! some examples of entries might be…

• tell me your first experience with the friday the 13th franchise
• send me that picture you took of kane hodder faux-choking your girlfriend
• describe that time you and your middle school friends cleverly found a way to purchase tickets to a disney film but snuck into jason lives
• your favorite screenshot or quote from the series. the more obscure the better
• send me a photo of yourself at twelve years old dressed up as jason for halloween
• send a photo of your impressive collection of friday the 13th memorabilia
• make an elaborate and passionate case for why part 5 or part 9 is clearly the best in the series

email your entries to corey@evilontwolegs.com. include how you’d like to be referred to and the link to your website (if you have one) in case we use your entry in a future blog post. this contest will run until… well, until i stop getting interesting submissions.

crystal lake webcam

a girl has setup a live webcam from crystal lake.
definitely worth checking out.

new logos

in addition to our original michael myers/laurie strode cartoon logo, we’ve also added baghead jason/ginny and jason/tina into the random rotation. all caricatures were created by uber-talented logo artist and mega-michael myers fan, raven. to see them all, hit ‘refresh’ to magically watch the logos change in our banner or, perhaps more efficiently, simply focus your vision a couple of inches below this sentence.

Related posts:

1. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 2
2. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 1
3. His Name Was Jason Contest Winner
4. New Logo and Super Fun Contest Time
5. Friday the 13th (2009)

if you’ve been to the theater lately, you may have noticed the cardboard stands of jason voorhees that you can stick your head through, so it appears that you are jason’s victim (this is subtly different than, as shown above, being jason’s victim when he sticks your head through a table). you’re invited to upload photos of yourself in the stand to facebook, and hundreds have already done so. the purpose of all this is to get you hyped up for the impending release of the friday the 13th remake which, for the readers of this site, is probably unnecessary. personally, i’m about as hyped as i can get. regardless, i did check out the facebook page, and my favorite of the images i found are listed below. my friends and i added a few pics to the mix as well (the last five). visit www.facebook.com/victimsofjasonvoorhees to see the entire collection or to add your own.

Related posts:

1. F13 Megapost – Jason Contest – Crystal Lake Webcam – New Logo
2. The Faces of Jason Voorhees: A Visual History Part I
3. Elm Street Remake Trailer
4. His Name Was Jason Contest Winner
5. My Bloody Valentine 3D

#10

the happening

i’ve almost always liked m. night shamalamadingdong. like most people, i was blown away by the sixth sense. i kinda dug unbreakable. i really liked signs and the village. ok, lady in the water left me scratching my head, but it wasn’t unwatchable. i knew m. night was a little pretentious (e.g., he just made up his middle name in college), but i didn’t think he was capable of truly horrible film making — that was, until i saw the happening. while the ruins may have proved that (spoiler warning) killer vegetation isn’t as silly a concept as you might think — the happening goes the opposite route and proves it’s even goofier than anyone thought possible. the film can’t even be saved by the almost always entertaining mark wahlberg (who turns in his absolute worst performance to date, which crescendos during a conversation he has with a plastic tree) or the always cute zooey deschanel (who, despite her pleasant appearance, somehow manages to be annoying in every frame of screen time she’s given). the only thing this movie had going for it was the mystery of what was causing the so-called ‘happening’… which they reveal 15 minutes into the film. i hate to say it, but in every respect, m. night whizzed this one right down the leg of his stylish trousers.

#9

trapped ashes

trapped ashes is one of those horror anthologies like creepshow and tales from the darkside. i’m a sucker for that kind of thing, so i was really looking forward to trapped ashes. how can you go wrong with four horror stories plus a wrap-around story? just by chance, a few of the stories would have to be decent, right? add in the amazing pedigree of at least three of the directors (joe dante, the howling, ken russell, lair of the white worm, sean cunningham, friday the 13th), and how could this suck? well, it does — and big. joe dante’s wrap-around story about people trapped in a house who decide to tell their scariest life experiences to the others in an attempt to convince the supposed madman who locked them in to let them out makes no sense and isn’t scary, interesting or remotely probable. sean cunningham’s half anime, half live action film about a woman trapped in a painting getting raped by a demon isn’t nearly as interesting as i just made it sound. ken russell’s film about vampiric breasts is, at least, novel. it plays out much like i imagine a porno directed by a 13-year-old david cronenberg would — amateurish but disturbing. the third story feels completely out of place as it’s basically an overly wordy and boring film noir piece about a love triangle with a slight supernatural twist. another story involves a parasitic worm and a baby, but apart from a cool ‘womb-cam’ effect, is rather ridiculous. the underlying thread connecting all these tales isn’t so much the horrible wrap-around story as it is one central theme — women are scary. i’ll give credit to ken russell for creating visuals that can actually circumvent the male part of the brain that says ‘breasts = awesome’ and making them, at least momentarily, seem unattractive — but that small achievement is not nearly enough to salvage this celluloid trainwreck.

#8

the eye

expectation plays a large part in putting these top ten lists together. while technically zombies, zombies, zombies may be a worse film than most on this list, i knew it was going to suck when i turned it on. somehow that makes a difference. the badness of a film is actually more offensive when it has no excuse for being bad… i’m more forgiving of low-budget films made my amateur filmmakers than i am of big-budget flops made by people who should know better. such is the case with the remake of the eye. the original film was quite creepy and entertaining, so i was hoping this would be another the grudge — a quality remake of a foreign film that meets, if not surpasses, the original. what i got was a sloppy mess of derivative nonsense that tries to coast by on how pretty its lead is and ignores the basic building blocks of a good film — things like script, acting, pacing and suspense. if you want to watch jessica alba, please go watch the fantastic four films again… if you want to see a movie about a blind girl seeing ghosts, go rent the original film, gin gwai.

#7

day of the dead

i was one of the first people to say that remaking dawn of the dead was sacrilege… and, after seeing it, i was one of the first to admit that i was completely and utterly wrong. so i was a little gun shy to jump on the “wtf!?!” band wagon when i heard they were remaking day of the dead. mena suvari’s in it? ok. ving rhames? even better. steve miner is directing it? you mean friday the 13th part 2 steve miner? well, maybe this won’t be that bad after all. as it turns out, the band wagon is a popular thing to jump on because it’s often filled with people who are right. this film is just bad, bad, bad. steve miner must have thought that if fast zombies were scarier than slow zombies (e.g., 28 days later) then fast zombies bouncing off walls like flying squirrels must be absolutely terrifying. that’s only the first of many bad ideas in this film. others include having people changing from slightly wounded to completely decayed zombies in a matter of seconds and (this is a big one)… using almost none of the story from the film it was remaking. apart from a few character names and the fact that there are, in fact, a few zombies around — this has nothing in common with my favorite of romero’s zombie apocalypse films. the ridiculous dvd cover of a zombie vomiting up banana pudding mixed with ears and giant eyeballs (or, i suppose, sucking in this mixture as opposed to expelling it) only adds insult to injury.

#6

anaconda 3

giant snakes + ‘the hoff’ sounds like b-movie heaven. unfortunately, the reality doesn’t live up to the concept. hasselhoff and john rhys-davies (who must have one hell of a coke habit to continue needing to show up in crap like this) make no attempt to mask their disinterest in this film as they stumble through each awkward scene. in a movie like this though, the snakes are the real stars… so its really a shame that the snakes in this film are likely the least convincing ever seen. holding this up to the camera real close and wiggling it around would have been far more convincing. i had to pause the film a few minutes from the end to get a soda and literally could not bring myself to hit ‘play’ and watch any more of it. if that nullifies my review, so be it… but i’m willing to bet that watching any more could only have moved anaconda 3 closer to the top of this list, not made me dislike it less.

#5

pathology

as we trudge our way further up this list, we’re moving from films that i merely found dull and disappointing into films that i truly hate. and i really, really hate pathology. i didn’t expect to going into it because i’m usually a big fan of medical thrillers. the blame for my hatred falls entirely on the script. not only are all the characters despicable people who are impossible to sympathize with (even when the filmmaker wants you to), but they’re stupid as well. for me, though, the biggest problem is character motivation — there is none. why does our hero, a medical student, decide to partake in a game where you murder someone and other medical students attempt to figure out how you did it? i have no idea. and typically ‘murdering strangers’ is the kind of thing characters need a reason to be doing. i hated every character in this movie and i hated the filmmakers for thinking i would identify with and feel sympathy for characters that, until the heroic music kicked in, were criminal sociopaths. I’m as big a fan of the anti-hero as anyone, but characters like Hannibal Lector or Dexter are attractive in spite of their ghoulish acts because of their charm and intelligence, not simply because they’re the star of the show. despite an interesting concept and decent direction and acting, pathology rubbed me the wrong way. like meeting someone at a party who mistakenly thinks your girlfriend is single and hits on her, i feel incapable of any forgiveness towards this film and instead am just going to stare at it angrily from across the room.

#4

dark floors

dark floors is billed as “the lordi movie.” i didn’t realize this until i put the dvd in, but i don’t think it would matter if i’d known it earlier, because i had no idea what a “lordi” was. as it turns out, ‘lordi‘ is a european heavy metal band. i’m no expert on that genre, but from what i can gather, ‘lordi’ appears to be like a ‘gwar’ for people who don’t find ‘gwar’ silly enough. all of the band members dress in costumes that look like they were ordered out of the back of fangoria magazine in 1989 and play music that sounds like what you’d hear if you were strapped to the underbelly of an exploding train loaded with grizzly bears and kettle drums. in any case, dark floors is not about the band ‘lordi;’ each member of the band plays a monster within the film. the story revolves around a little girl with crayons and a group of people trapped in some alternate universe version of a hospital. about twenty minutes into the film you may realize this all seems very familiar — that would be because this is the first film i’ve ever seen to follow the exact structure of a survival horror game. the alternate universe thing is stolen straight from silent hill, but more than that the story structure is the same. the characters move across one floor of the hospital, fight and/or run away from one of the ‘lordi’ monsters (i.e., “boss battle”), and then start fresh on the next floor. this continues ad nauseum until they reach the parking garage, where they run into the lead singer (i.e., final boss) and somehow defeat him because they’re good people or have the power of love on their side or something. the film is somewhat stylish, but feels like an overly long music video… which, i suppose is what it is. after watching the ‘making of’ i realized that not only did i hate “the lordi movie”… but i hated ‘lordi’ as well. even through the swedish i could tell that the front man, the oh-so-cleverly named “mr. lordi,” is a complete and utter douche bag of epic proportions. my opinion of the film is pretty much the same, although i don’t think you can technically call a film a douche bag — but if you could, that’s exactly how i would describe dark floors.

#3

trackman

the second of the ghost house underground films to make my list, this is a russian slasher film that has little to offer the genre. after a heist, a group of thieves and their hostages head into the abandoned railway tunnels to escape. unfortunately, a pickaxe wielding madman with a habit of removing people’s peepers already calls that place home. the premise sounds interesting enough, but even with only a mere 80 minute running time, the film can’t seem to find anything interesting to show you. most of the time is spent with the thieves arguing amongst themselves and deciding who gets to carry a gun. which brings up another point… these people have several guns amongst them, yet they never once attempt to shoot the very slow moving guy with the pickaxe who keeps picking them off. tack on an ending that feels like it’s a big revelation, but which reveals nothing (a la saw 5) and you’re left with one big slippery mother of a film turd. in russian.

#2

shutter

calling shutter a movie is a disservice to every filmmaker out there attempting, whether brilliantly or poorly, to do something approximating art. this is a shameless remake of a j-horror film that exists, not because someone enjoyed the original and wanted to put their own spin on it, but because someone somewhere thought they might be able to make a dollar off it. i understand money drives the production of all hollywood films, but in this case it’s obvious that everyone who showed up on set had only one thing on their mind — their paycheck. the director himself admits as much in the commentary when he states that he doesn’t like horror films. well, that’s just terrific. following that logic i imagine the set was catered by an anorexic who hates food, the costume design was done by a nudist, and the actors were all cast from those aboriginal tribes that think having your picture taken steals your soul. it should be no surprise that shutter is not remotely scary or compelling in any way because it takes more than just throwing a dark-haired asian ghost girl into your film to make it frightening — it actually takes a bit of talent and a lot of work.

#1

april fool’s day

april fool’s day (2008) is so bad, i almost didn’t include it on this list simply because i didn’t want to have to think about it again. at least from those i’ve seen, this is the worst of the worst when it comes to the recent trend of horror remakes. shallow, boring, predictable and pointless — i stand by my original review.

this sucky movie is full of suck.

next week is friday the 13th week! i’m so giddy with little-school-girl-esque excitement over the release of the modern re-envisioning of everyone’s favorite hockey-masked killer that i’ve got several jason voorhees themed posts planned for next week leading up to the film’s friday opening. so keep checking back…

Related posts:

1. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
2. Corey’s Best of 2008
3. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
4. April Fool’s Day (2008)
5. Corey on The Burning

below is my list of the 2008′s ten best horror films. while there’s some general agreement amongst fans on films like inside and the happening, 2008 was a strange year in that it saw many releases that elicited very polar reactions from the horror community. many of the films that made my top ten can be seen in other site’s list of the year’s worst. even within the same site (e.g., bloody-disgusting), many of the films that appear on one writer’s best list also show up on another’s list of the worst. all i can say is that this list represents the ten films from this year that i enjoyed most… stories that drew me in and/or gave me the wiggins might not do the same for you, but i think all of the films listed here deserve a watch from anyone interested in the horror genre.

#10

[rec]

another in the recently revived ‘found footage’ genre, [rec] is a film from spain that documents a small-scale zombie outbreak in an apartment building. an ambitious news reporter and her camera man frame the story, giving the filming of the entire event a feeling of reality lacking in most films of this type (e.g., why did heather donahue feel compelled to continue filming throughout her ordeal?). less ambitious (but also less pompous and pretentious) than diary of the dead, [rec] is a far more visceral experience than romero’s similar take on the genre. i have yet to the see the american remake quarantine, but i hear it is almost a shot-for-shot retelling of the story — so i’m confident in saying that i’ll enjoy it when it makes it to dvd.

#8

inside (à l’intérieur)

i’d heard that inside was a rather grotesque film. about half way into this film’s rather short running time i was all, “hey, i don’t see what the big deal is.” boy did that last half prove me wrong.

this is a messed up little french movie about a messed up little french lady who really wants a baby. unfortunately, the baby belongs to another little french lady who hasn’t so much given birth to the baby yet as hasn’t. home invasion, multiple murders and torture ensues, resulting in a bizarre and rather disturbing climax. likely even more disturbing for pregnant women, women planning on getting pregnant, people who know pregnant women, or people whose mothers were ever pregnant. another little buttery croissant of horror further solidifying france as a force to be reckoned with in the genre. highly recommended.

#6

frontière(s)

i just realized six of my top ten films are foreign (seven if you count funny games, a remake of a foreign film by the same director). what’s up america? hopefully having obama in the white house, in addition to the unicorns and happiness and candy corn for everyone that we’re expecting, will also bring with it something that inspires some much-needed creativity in the horror-related corners of hollywood.

anyway, yeah. back to frontier(s). this is another nasty french film cut from the same bloody cloth as the texas chainsaw massacre. a group of fleeing thieves (including one who is pregnant… what’s with the french and pregnant women being tortured?) take refuge at a bed & breakfast that isn’t run by the stereotypical nice old couple, but instead by a family of nazi cannibals. as you would expect, the predictable hilarity ensues. less psychological and more action oriented than inside, both films are still probably equal on the ‘gruesomeness’ scale. the film’s climax really puts the final girl through her paces too… this is no simple “run through the woods, put on a crusty old sweater and swing a machete” american slasher film obstacle course — this french girl really has to work to get her final girl credentials.

#4

black water

when i heard the guy who did wolf creek was making a killer alligator film, i couldn’t wait. then i saw rogue and was largely underwhelmed… how did the disturbing and subversive tone of wolf creek transform into the castrated, audience friendly hollywood-ized (but admittedly, still fun) antics of rogue? it did whet my appetite for more gator action though, so i put black water in my netflix queue. as it turns out, black water is exactly what i was expecting when i heard about rogue… it’s bleak, frightening and humorless. imagine open water in the swamp. there are no giant cgi crocs to be found and no silly heroics or sappy hollywood endings. despite stiff competition from rogue (and rather flacid competition from the abysmal lake placid 2), this is the alligator movie of the year.

#2

the strangers

apparently this is not a remake of the french film ils (them), but i find that very hard to believe given the similarities. regardless, the strangers surpasses that film in every respect. creepy, moody and unrelenting — the strangers touches on the same fears as funny games — home invasion and torture. the strangers is much scarier though, and just as disturbing. and my god — that mask! apart from those based on the face of william shatner (michael myers’) or borrowed from my favorite sport (jason’s mask), this film features the scariest mask in horror film history.

honorable mentions: i really liked all the boys love mandy lane, but it wasn’t released this year. again. even though it was completed in 2006. the weinstein’s really need to decide what to do with this film and get it out already. i also saw repo: the genetic opera, but despite it being a downright gorgeous film and my love of musicals of this type (e.g., dr. horrible and the rocky horror picture show) — i’m afraid to admit (particularly given its near-universal critical acclaim), it just didn’t do it for me. maybe once i experience it in the theater (as it was intended), i’ll reconsider my opinion…

bonus list: best horror video games of 2008

#3

silent hill: homecoming

i was concerned the creepiness and undefinable “silent hill-iness” of the silent hill franchise would suffer when it moved to an american studio. i need not have been concerned.

#2

dead space

story wise, dead space borrows (read: steals) liberally from the thing and, even more-so, event horizon… but it does so extremely well. furthermore, it features the best user interface in recent memory and is one of the prettiest games ever released.

#1

left 4 dead

valve + co-op play + the inevitable zombie apocalypse we all know is coming. nothing had a chance of topping that.

Related posts:

1. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
2. Corey’s Worst of 2008
3. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
4. Horror Remakes By The Same Director
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching — Needs More Cowbell Edition

i ventured out into the winter cold last night to check out the remake of my bloody valentine. despite its reputation as a minor classic in the genre, i’ve never been a big fan of the original film — yet i had high hopes for the ‘re-imagining,’ or whatever the currently popular euphemism for ‘recycling old ideas’ is.

how was it? after the climatic moment of a particularly gruesome death sequence (of which there were many), the patron sitting next to me exclaimed “holy shit, that was bad-ass, dawg!” while i may have stated it in slightly different terms, that statement rather concisely describes my feelings about the film as a whole.

at least when seen in the recommended number of dimensions (no less than three), my bloody valentine is an amazing experience. with a smart script, likable characters, and, most importantly, the proper hard-edged slasher/exploitation film tone, this is the film that i was expecting and hoping hatchet would be. throw in the clever use of Real3D technology, a truly scary villain, jensen ackles (supernatural), and tom atkins — and it’s very hard to find anything not to like. it may not be the greatest slasher film of all time, but it is certainly the best in quite a while. while it’s probably just wishful thinking, i can’t help but hope that the likely success of this film and the upcoming friday the 13th remake will usher in a revival of the genre. hopefully a revival more similar in tone and sensibility to the early 80s (when the original friday the 13th and my bloody valentine were created) rather than the self-referential and overly-hip days of the mid 90s ushered in by scream.

to summarize: not only is this the first decent slasher film in recent memory, but it’s the first to be presented in 3d in 27 years. any fan of the genre should go see it, go see it in 3d, and go see it with friends. i’m currently working on a post of the best and worst of 2008… but i’m already fairly certain my bloody valentine will be on my list of best for 2009.

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
2. Remakes Update
3. MBV Special edition and F13 Uncut
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
5. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards

remakes are all the rage with the kids these days, so here’s poster art and trailers for a few upcoming horror ‘re-imaginings.’ are you looking forward to any of these? personally, i can’t wait for my bloody valentine and friday the 13th, which, oddly, i just noticed each star one of the brothers from supernatural.

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D
2. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
3. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
4. Horror Remakes By The Same Director
5. Friday the 13th Movie Site Goes Live

the original april fool’s day (1986) was not a huge success, and this is often blamed on its rather lame ending wherein it’s revealed that none of the murders actually happened. nothing pisses off an audience more than finding out that everything they just spent a significant amount of time watching and became invested in was bullshit (just ask anyone who remember the 8th season of dallas). you would think anyone remaking such a film would take care in not repeating the same mistake… but instead they seem to have changed everything except the aspects of the original that failed. gone are the interesting characters, deaths and witty dialogue that made the original so watchable… in their place we find unlikable stereotypes, idiotic stalk/slash sequences and a plot so predictable you’d have to be a coked up, blind-folded mongoose currently engaged in a riki-tiki-tavi style battle-to-the-death with a king cobra who is winning to not piece together who the killer is by the time the opening credits finish. and don’t let the ‘unrated’ description fool you… this would be lucky to warrant a pg-13. i can only assume the producers were too embarrassed by their film to even ask the mpaa to watch it.

if the filmmakers are going to put so little effort into making this movie, i don’t see why anyone should expend any more effort reviewing it… so here’s my review.

this sucky movie is full of suck.

Related posts:

1. Corey’s Worst of 2008
2. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
3. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
4. Horror DVD Releases – Week of April 7th, 2009
5. One Missed Call (2008)