Films Covered:

• Thirteen Women (1932)
• Terror Aboard (1933)
• The Ninth Guest (1934)
• And Then There Were None (1945)
• Peeping Tom (1960)
• Psycho (1960)
• Blood and Black Lace (1964)
• Corruption (1967)
• The Fiend (1971)
• Twitch of the Death Nerve (1971)
• The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)
• The Last House on the Left (1972)
• Theater of Blood (1973)
• Black Christmas (1974)
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
• Deep Red (1975)
• Schizo(1976)
• Assault! Jack the Ripper (1976)
• The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
• Suspiria (1977)
• Halloween (1978)
• Savage Weekend (1979)
• Inferno (1980)
• Mother’s Day (1980)
• Maniac (1980)
• Don’t Go in the House (1980)
• He Knows You’re Alone (1980)
• Prom Night (1980)
• Terror Train (1980)
• Motel Hell (1980)
• Friday the 13th (1980)
• Friday the 13th, Part 2 (1981)
• Nightmare (1981)
• The Prowler (1981)
• Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
• The Burning (1981)
• The Funhouse (1981)
• Night School (1981)
• Hell Night (1981)
• Halloween II (1981)

• The Fan (1981)
• Visiting Hours (1982)
• Humongous (1982)
• Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
• Curtains (1983)
• Sleepaway Camp (1983)
• The House on Sorority Row (1983)
• Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1983)
• Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
• A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
• The Hitcher (1986)
• April Fool’s Day (1986)
• Opera (1987)
• Blood Diner (1987)
• Stagefright (1987)
• Intruder (1989)
• Candyman (1992)
• Dr. Giggles (1992)
• The Untold Story (1993)
• Scream (1996)
• Urban Legend (1998)
• Psycho (1998)
• American Psycho (2000)
• Valentine (2001)
• Session 9 (2001)
• House of 1,000 Corpses (2003)
• Saw (2004)
• Hellbent (2004)
• Hostel (2005)
• Wolf Creek (2005)
• Hatchet (2006)
• Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
• Halloween (2007)
• Sweeney Todd (2007)
• Prom Night (2008)
• My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009)
• The Hills Run Red (2009)

Contributors:

• Anthony Timpone
• Don D’Auria
• Harley Jane Kozak
• Kim Paffenroth
• Bryan Norton
• R.B. Payne
• Scott Bradley
• Nate Southard
• Michael Louis Calvillo
• Mark Onspaugh
• Jason Walters
• Lucien Soulban
• Martel Sardina
• R.B. Payne
• Shawn Rutledge
• John W. Morehead
• Steve Rasnic Tem
• Carl Hose
• Michael Hacker
• Jason V. Brock
• Michael Potts
• Tory Lowe
• Adam Nakama
• Stacie Ponder
• Jason S. Ridler
• J.C. Hay
• Dominic McDonagh
• Paul Milliken
• Jeff Allard
• Amanda Reyes
• John Michael
• Mike Petrucelli
• Ross Horsley
• Corey Lafferty
• John Chandler
• Camille Alexa
• S. Michael Wilson
• H. F. Gibbard

• Michael G. Cornelius
• Andrew J. Wilson
• Adam Rockoff
• Adam Green
• Jack Ketchum
• Lee Thomas
• Stephen Graham Jones
• John Skipp
• Cody Goodfellow
• Jeff Strand
• Gregory Lamberson
• Lisa Morton
• James Lowder
• Peter Tennant
• Gary McMahon
• John Llewellyn Probert
• Lynne Hansen
• Mike McCarty
• Garry Charles
• Paul Milliken
• JG Faherty
• Richard Dansky
• Connie Corcoran-Wilson
• Dustin La Valley
• CJ Lines
• Mike Bracken
• Lance Vaughan
• Jude Wright
• David L. Tamarin
• Nick Cato
• Amanda Bumgarner
• Stephen Bacon
• Joe Nazare
• Rachel Kendall
• Aliya Whiteley
• Johnny Kalangis
• Jesse Baget

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – April 2, 2010
2. Impressions of a Black Christmas Virgin
3. Horror Community Highlights – August 21st, 2009
4. Horror Community Highlights – March 11, 2010
5. Horror Community Highlights – October 16th, 2009

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE)

i rarely get horror movie related questions at work, despite being known as “the horror guy.” the exception to that rule happened earlier this year when i was asked on no less than four occasions if i’d seen THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. usually the questions basically boiled down to “omg! i heard about this sick, depraved movie i can’t even imagine a normal person wanting to see called THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. have you seen it yet?” like everyone else, my interest was piqued by the film’s central concept because it is undeniably disgusting and bizarre, but also so instantly understandable that it’s oh-so-easy to describe to shocked friends and co-workers. the film itself is not nearly as shocking as it’s premise as most of the graphic details are left to the imagination. however, the core of the story still revolves around sewing people’s mouths to other people’s anuses — so it’d be difficult for the film to not be shocking, no matter how much restraint the director used. while not a great film, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is entertaining, well-acted and about as enjoyable as a film about pooping in other people’s mouths could be.

TRIANGLE

part re-telling of an ancient myth, part twisty time travel cluster-f, deciphering an exact linear explanation for everything in TRIANGLE would be a daunting task. in many ways though, piecing that together would be a waste of time… the film is more about appreciating the puzzle rather than solving it. at its core, TRIANGLE is about human subjectivity and the futility of trying to fight our own nature. while you may not be able to understand and even abhor the actions of a future you when seen from the outside, once you’re put in the same situation, you’ll inevitably make the same choice. we’re all stuck in a predictable pattern of behavior determined not by gods on high, fate or a clever screenwriter… but by our own graces and flaws, acting themselves out over and over again. smart, creepy and filled with plenty of “wtf?” moments, TRIANGLE is well worth searching out.

THE BOX

while THE BOX certainly features a box as a central plot point, a more accurate name for the film would be WACKINESS: THE MOTION PICTURE. i have little idea what happened in this film, but even less understanding of what it meant or why i should care. this film goes in so many bizarre directions and is so ultimately unsatisfying, that i’m utterly perplexed at how it ever got made. still, it’s a refreshing change from the scookie-cutter sci-fi trash we’re usually being spoon-fed, so i will at least give it props for trying something new.

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY

i’m a bigger jason fan-boy than freddy, but this documentary is easily superior on almost every level to the similarly structured HIS NAME WAS JASON doc released last year. slick, polished and comprehensive, this impressive documentary succeeded in both increasing my enjoyment of the ELM STREET series and reminding me of why i loved it in the first place.

TRANSYLMANIA

there are few films that are, to me, truly unwatchable — but this is one of them. after less than twenty minutes, my opinion of the film is probably a rather unfair critique because it is based on only 20% of the film, but holy hell did that 20% suck. unfunny to the point of being aggressively so, i felt had no choice but to order the TRANSYLMANIA disc to exit my player and march itself back into its netflix envelope. i was prepared to use force if necessary, but TRANSYLMANIA seemed to understand my reasoning and went quietly.

SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD

I admire romero for avoiding large studio productions and sticking to his independent roots. say what you want about his zombie films, but each is undeniably his own. DAY OF THE DEAD remains my favorite of the films, but it’s been a fairly steady decline since then, hitting a low point for the entire series with SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD. i’m not sure why romero thought the focus of the series should turn to two old guys arguing over whether zombies could be taught to eat farm animals, but that’s about all i got out of this film. i’ve seen positive reviews, some even calling it a return to form for the series, so maybe i’m in the minority here — but i found SURVIVAL completely unsatisfying. it’s not necessarily a bad film… but like DIARY before it, it just seems to lack any sense of joy or energy and seems content to just quietly sit and spin in a mess of shallow metaphors and uninspired social commentary.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. Nazi Zombies!
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)

Most Unintentionally Funny

One thing is for certain about this very odd movie – Crispin Glover throws himself into the title role with all the reckless, crazy-ass abandon he can muster. His version of a southern accent makes this one-liner downright hi-larious. It’s as if Jed Clampett or one of the characters from Hee Haw has suffered brain damage, developed a speech impediment, and gone crazy.

Half the dialogue of any given action film consists of lines like this (e.g., “come on!” or “let’s go!”), but this is another line that still cracks me up twenty years after hearing it for the first time. I think it’s because Arnold is so serious, so earnest in his delivery. He may not have intended it, but it’s pure comedic genius.

Winner:

“We’re not talking about any ordinary prisoner, Hoffman! We are talking about evil on two legs.”

– Dr. Loomis, from Halloween 4

It should be obvious that I love this quote. Loomis’ hysterical hyperbole always strikes my funny bone in ways I don’t think he intended.

Creepiest

Todd Browning’s 1932 classic is still one of the most unsettling films I’ve ever seen. He uses real sideshow freaks and spends the first half of the film making them seem entirely sympathetic and “normal.” And then he brilliantly undermines all of that in the bizarre ceremony scene in which the freaks accept the beautiful, and now horrified, Cleopatra into their secret community. Plus, the phrase is freaky enough to be used by the Ramones in “Pinhead,” and that’s good enough for me.

This quote is especially creepy given Norman’s particular relationship with his mother’s corpse, but any way you slice it, it’s just not something a normal fella ought to say, especially when he’s trying to impress a girl.

Winner:

“It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

– Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb, from The Silence of the Lambs

The way he uses “it” as a personal pronoun, and the way he says this in nearly perfect lines of iambic tetrameter make it clear that Bill may be crazy, but he’s the Shakespeare of creepy phrasing.

Cheesiest

Bela Lugosi is the gold standard of vampires. Lugosi plays the part with an interesting sense of decadence and dandyism, but this line always strikes me as particularly flamboyant. And if Lugosi’s delivery is cheesy, then Gary Oldman’s delivery of this line 60 years later with that weird accent of his is the mucho-nacho-cheesiest.

I’m pretty sure Mae West used this as a daring, sexy catchphrase in the 1940s. Why anyone would include this in a film half a century later is beyond me. It’s like saying “we’re not in Kansas anymore” (which was actually used in Avatar). People, seriously, stop it!

Winner:

“Welcome to prime time, bitch!”

– Freddy, from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3

The original line was supposed to be “You’re on TV now, girl,” so Englund’s improvisation is a definite improvement. Still, it’s a really goofy thing for anybody to say, especially for a killer who’s supposed to be adept at psychological terror.

Related posts:

1. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One
2. Welcome to Evil On Two Legs
3. The Crazy Old Kooks of Horror
4. Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted Part 2
5. Horror Community Highlights – November 27, 2009

Catchiest

Arguably one of the most verbal villains in horror, Chop Top’s dialogue is a non-stop series of insane, degenerate, and incredibly catchy one-liners. The band Primus even sampled this particular phrase for their opus “Jerry Was a Race Car Driver.”

I love it that this line was already a famous catchphrase long before the film. But it belongs to Jack Torrence now, forever… and ever… and ever. Much like the way “Helter Skelter” belongs to Manson and not the Beatles.

Winner:

“Groovy.”

– Ash, from Evil Dead II

Nearly every line from this movie is memorable (i.e. “let’s head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch”), but it’s this line that stands out in my mind as capturing the tone and tenor of the film and Ash’s resilient nature so perfectly.

Most Bad Ass

It’s Dennis Hopper’s delivery of this line that makes it so bad ass. The fact that he says this just as he’s flippantly picking his nose somehow makes his character all the more callous. It’s as if he regards the zombies simply as a personal nuisance that stand in the way of his bigger plans and ambitions. Romero’s recurring theme is that humans are no better than the zombies they fight, and Kaufman’s character makes that message all the more clear.

I’ve heard that this line was not part of the film’s script, but was ad-libbed by Rowdy Roddy Piper. This makes sense, as I can’t imagine any screenwriter, no matter how tough, coming up with something so unbelievably bad ass.

Winner:

“I ain’t got time to bleed.”

– Blain, from Predator

The original Predator is so freaking macho that when I watched this as a kid, I’m pretty sure I had to shave the next day. This famous quote from that film should be included in every dictionary under the phrase “bad ass.”

Funniest

Romero turned zombies into a metaphor for cogent social commentary. Dan O’Bannon turned zombies into stand-up comedians.

This film is mostly a long series of one-liners, but this one still makes me laugh every time I hear it. It also perfectly defines Seth’s calculated coolness.

Winner:

“I’m not great at farewells, so, uh… that’ll do, pig.”

– Tallahassee, from Zombieland

I love the way this film combines horror and gore with humor and sentiment. This quote perfectly captures the awkward and strange but ultimately endearing relationship between Tallahassee and Columbus.

Related posts:

1. Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part Two
2. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
3. Jon’s First Survival Horror Game – RE5
4. Welcome
5. Horror on Blu-Ray

My Bloody Valentine 3D
Axe-a-Friend
FREE

George A. Romero’s
App of the Dead
$1.99

both of these allow you to depict the subject of photos in your phone as having shuffled off the mortal coil — although in the case of App of the Dead, there is additional implied shuffling since your friends and loved ones are now zombies. Axe-a-Friend allows you to choose a photo and then, by waving your phone in the air, swing a virtual pick axe into your friend’s face (complete with blood splatter).

here you can see the results of loading a picture of jon (evilontwolegs.com writer and all-around-nice-guy) into the app and giving it a few good swings.

and here’s my schnauzer, mulder…

and keyboard cat.

App of the Dead similarly allows you to depict friends as dead, but gives you much more control. you can choose various zombie scars, wounds, weapons and body parts to add to your photo, and the app allows you to resize and rotate these to your heart’s content. additionally, it also include an interactive function, as after you’ve created your perfect zombie — there’s an optional handgun button to splatter their brains.

here’s jon, again…

and keyboard cat.

use of these apps isn’t restricted solely to friends, pets and internet memes though — you can get all meta if want, and do things like…

use george a. romero’s app on george a. romero…

or use the MY BLOODY VALENTINE app on harry warden…

or kill tom atkins with an axe while tom atkins is being killed with an axe…

or, create a cross over where harry warden kills george romero…

or george romero kills harry warden!

as is true of everything related to the awe-inspiring device known as the iphone (each of which, as we all know, is lovingly hand-carved for apple by blind monks from unicorn horns) — the possibilities are endless.

Related posts:

1. Left 4 Dead 3D
2. My Bloody Valentine 3D
3. Dye of the Dead
4. Left 4 Dead
5. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs

1. BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007)
The fact that it’s based on a video game, features a vampiric Billy the Kid, and that it’s directed by Uwe Boll are all really good signs that this film is going to suck. It’s not that you can’t mix vampires and cowboys, or that you can’t alter the image of the West’s most infamous outlaw. I love the way Kris Kristofferson plays Billy as a subversive folk hero in Sam Pekinpah’s version of Billy the Kid. I even liked the way Emilio Estevez infused the western legend with a contemporary street-gang ethos. But depicting Billy as the vampire king of a horde of undead cowboys just doesn’t work. Many bad sequels will use their time in space or the Old West to reflect and gain new perspective before returning to the present. Some sequels, such as this one, should stay there and never come back.

2. Jason X (2001)
By the time we got to Jason X, it was clear that the franchise had run out of ideas. Jason had died and been re-animated countless times. He’d been to Manhattan, and he’d been to Hell. So the only thing left was to take him to space. It’s a silly premise, but it kind of works. In particular, the virtual simulation of Crystal Lake is a lot of fun to watch. Ultimately, Jason is a terrestrial creature, but his quick orbit in space did give the franchise a little more breathing room.

3. Hellraiser 4: Bloodline (1996)
My favorite review ofHellraiser: Bloodline puts it this way: “In space, um, no one, um, nevermind.” The film begins in 2127, with flashforwards within flashbacks, and it features things like a giant, laser beam shooting space station called the “Elysium Configuration.” Esoteric would be the academic term for it. Confusing as all hell is probably a better descriptor. Hardcore fans of the franchise like this film because it ties everything together and explains the origins of the various “Configurations.” I find it odd that it took launching Pinhead into orbit to explain it all, but so be it. Call me old-fashioned, but I think the franchise was far better off in that creepy attic from the first installment. Hellraiser 4 did mark the end, in a way, of the franchise, as the rest of the sequels were direct-to-dvd.

4. Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)
Just as it’s a sign that a franchise is in trouble when it moves to the Old West, it’s also a bad sign when a franchise resorts to “origin” stories. In particular, I’m thinking of films such as the altogether lackluster X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but even good films such as Casino Royale prove that the franchise desperately needed the reboot. Tremors 4 in no way lives up to the original, but it isn’t all that bad, and the Old West background makes far more sense and is far more believable than, say, a film that features a Leprechaun in outer space.

5. Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)
A small part of me admires a franchise that so blatantly and recklessly uses every gimmick in the book—a novelty villain, a “bride of” sequel, a Vegas setting, and then the little green bastard is launched into space. And he should have stayed there, out of harm’s way in lunar orbit, or in a fiery trajectory into the heart of the sun, but in the next sequel, he’s back on earth and in “the hood,”and then in the hood again in that film’s follow up. Being a native and resident of the Appalachian mountains, I am a little bit insulted that we haven’t yet seen a Hillbilly Leprechaun.

Related posts:

1. More Horror on Blu-ray
2. Friday the 13th Comics
3. Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)
4. Friday the 13th (2009)
5. F13 Megapost – Jason Contest – Crystal Lake Webcam – New Logo

the best horror films of 2009

#8

martyrs

martyrs is an incredibly brave and shocking film. the plot drastically shifts gears halfway into the film and while many (myself included) prefer the trajectory of the first half, the direction it ends up heading is undeniably thought-provoking. more evidence that there are some really f’d up filmmakers in france.

#7

my bloody valentine 3d

one of the few remakes to surpass the film it’s based on, my bloody valentine 3d is a fun, exciting slasher with its tongue firmly planted in its cheek. best viewed in three dimensions, the theatrical experience is not simulated well at home, but the blu-ray comes far closer than the dvd version.

#6

friday the 13th

hated by many, i really dug the friday the 13th reboot. simplistic and flawed, yes — but what prior entry in the series wasn’t? i still kinda cringe at the idea of jason kidnapping people… but that’s really a small complaint against what’s really a fantastically entertaining and shockingly brutal entry in one my favorite franchises.

#5

splinter

splinter is a by-the-numbers trapped-in-an-enclosed-place monster flick, but it’s so well executed that it never feels formulaic or predictable. if i’d seen this when i was 13, i know i would have loudly proclaimed to friends and family that this was THE BEST FILM EVER and maybe even written a really crappy fanfic cross-over sequel titled splinter vs the thing.

#4

trick ‘r treat

horror anthologies have a long history… unfortunately recent parts of that history primarily involve sucking. trick ‘r treat is an extreme exception to that trend. sam, the sack hooded trick-r-treater, is one of the cutest (and simultaneously creepiest) horror villains in recent memory. the studio seemed to lack confidence in the film, but i hope its success on dvd is large enough to ensure this isn’t the last we see of sam.

#3

drag me to hell

sam raimi’s absence from horror has been sorely felt for years. any fears i harbored that raimi’s skill at creating his own unique campy brand of horror had atrophied after years baby-sitting spider-man were laid to rest with the release of this immensely stylish and funny demonic thriller.

#2

paranormal activity

like the best campfire ghost stories, paranormal activity is simple, short and terrifying. it really needs to be viewed with no distractions and, preferably, late at night. its scares will not work for everyone, but those that are susceptible to its subtle brand of horror will be creeped out long after the credits have rolled. and on dvd, since they list about fifty gajillion fans… those credits are really, really long.

#1

jennifer’s body

if you’d told me a year ago that my favorite horror film of the year would star megan fox, i would have likely backed slowly away from you and called the guys with the big butterfly nets. or maybe i would have just thought what you said was just highly unlikely to be true. regardless… that hypothetical you would have been absolutely right. many seem to have trouble getting past diablo cody’s stylized uber-cool teen speak, but unrealistic dialogue works for me when done well (e.g. heathers, clockwork orange or anything written by joss whedon, quentin tarantino or david mamet). a smart and satirical horror/black comedy, i predict this will be a cult classic years from now when the megan fox backlash wears off. i could be wrong though… as one fellow blogger (brad of ilovehorror.net) put it, “watching jennifer’s body made me want to punch a baby in the face.”

the worst horror films of 2009

#5

the haunting in connecticut

like the amityville horror, this is another new england ghost tale supposedly based on a bullshit true story. boring and far from scary, this haunted house film brings little new to the table. and i still can’t figure out what’s supposed to be happening in the poster — my best guess is that someone is vomiting on the space shuttle.

#4

stan helsing

despite a surprisingly likable cast, stan helsing is dragged down by a terrible concept and an unfortunate lack of anything approximating ‘funny.’ i picked this up because i imagined it was going to be in the vein of scary movie, but instead of being aimed at the post-modern slashers like scream and i know what you did last summer, it’d take on the 1980s slasher classics. and while leatherface, freddy and jason do make appearances (oh-so-cleverly renamed pleatherface, fweddy and mason), classic slasher situations and cliches are completely absent, replaced with a scooby-doo-esque setup and more fart jokes than i care to recall.

#3

the unborn

i should have known better than to think a movie that relies on photoshopped butt cheeks as its main draw could be decent, but i took a $20 gamble on the unborn (on blu-ray no less). new to the blu-ray revolution, my magical thinking was that seeing the film in HD might somehow improve the experience of the film… which is a lot like thinking a piece of dog crap would look more appealing because you’re using a magnifying glass. i’ve blocked most of it from my memory, but it had something to do with a dead twin, the holocaust, another dead twin and gary oldman with a funky accent.

#2

offspring

offspring begs you to be shocked by the fact that children are committing murder, which is somewhat offset by the fact that the children in question are dressed like bam-bam rubble and pebbles flintstone and the bloody entrails they’re playing in look suspiciously like rubber tubes doused in ketchup. as the tired cliches rack up and the preposterous plot collapses in on itself, you can’t help but feel bad for the kids who got to tell all their friends they were going to be in a big hollywood movie — and then had to put up with the teasing, playground bullying and dating-related rejections that no doubt occurred once this film hit dvd. it’s also worth noting that this film is based on the second book in a series, which may make it a first in the horror genre… a sequel to a film that hasn’t been made yet.

#1

the cell 2

completely ignoring the one thing that the original film got right (its stunning nightmarish visuals), the cell 2 is a cluster-f of bad writing, poor direction, crappy cgi and frank whaley. this movie isn’t just tedious and boring… if placed in close proximity to other dvds on your shelf, i fear it could cause other films to become more tedious and boring via osmosis. avoid at all costs.

the best horror documentaries of 2009

not quite hollywood

while geographically narrow in scope (not quite hollywood deals with only australian films), this is one of the best documentaries about exploitation films ever made. i could watch this thing all day long.

his name was jason

a documentary detailing the history of the friday the 13th franchise, hosted by tom savini? now if i ever run across a genie in a lamp, i’ve got an extra wish to use!

zombie girl: the movie

following 12-year-old emily hagins in her quest to make the feature length zombie epic pathogen, zombie girl is a touching and inspirational story of how one young girl somehow manages to pull off what i’m sure every horror fan dreamed of doing as a kid. don’t miss this film and be sure to read our q&a with emily and check out her site at cheesynuggets.com to see what she’s up to now.

the most surprising horror films of 2009

saw 6

the saw franchise has been in a steady decline for a while now, and no one expected that trend to change with part six. wrong we were, however, as the sixth entry in franchise proved to be far superior to the last few sequels and added in some much-needed depth by using jigsaw’s increasingly improbable exploits to comment on current politics. not the best film in the series, but a welcome change of direction that gives hope for future entries.

orphan

despite featuring one of my favorite actors (peter sarsgaard), orphan looked bad. like, really bad. i stayed far away from it theatrically, and tried my best to avoid it on dvd. however, one night the dangerous combination of having a little too much to drink and browsing the pay-per-view channel ended with me giving it a try. luck was on my side that night as orphan is a surprisingly well executed thriller, largely due to the amazingly creepy performance from child star isabelle fuhrman. a fantastic entry in the ‘evil child’ genre.

the most disappointing horror films of 2009

the final destination

the final destination films have always had fantastic deaths, an easy-to-understand (if silly) mythology and somewhat interesting characters. throw 3d in the mix, and it seems like a perfect match. unfortunately final destination 4 (bizarrely retitled the final destination) keeps the deaths but makes little sense plot-wise and features the least-defined characters in horror history. i don’t need much in terms of characterization, but these teens/20-somethings don’t appear to be high school students, college students or employed. apparently their purpose in life is to just sit around their scarcely furnished but expensive looking apartments and wait to die. which, thankfully, they do in short order.

laid to rest

i had high hopes for laid to rest. it looked to be a unique take on the slasher formula with some old-school special effects. while the death sequences are indeed impressive, there is little to like in the rest of the film (with the possible exception of a catchy song that’s entire lyrics seem to be “sexy bitches are my favorite kind of bitches”). the characters and situations are impossible to identify with because every character reaction seems disconnected from reality and contradicts common sense. like a bad sitcom, laid to rest feels like it takes place in a confined, artificial and magical world which, unfortunately, makes getting scared by or emotionally attached to anything that happens in that world impossible.

the grudge 3

after the grudge 2, i doubt many expected very much from part three. however, when i saw it was directed by splinter creator toby wilkins, i got very excited that maybe the new sequel might exceed expectations. for whatever reason, this is not the case… the grudge 3 is just more tired, poorly executed jump scares paired with an unengaging story. rather disappointing given the combination of such a talented director and a horror franchise with such potential.

my name is bruce

my name is bruce is one of those concepts that sounds impossible to screw up… bruce campbell as bruce campbell vs the undead. but they found a way. campbell somehow manages to be unlikable, unfunny and uninteresting through the majority of this film, which is shocking to anyone who’s ever met him or seen him speak. given his natural charisma, charm and improv ability, it’s shocking how poorly my name is bruce turned out. maybe with spider-man now abandoned, bruce and sam raimi can finally be reunited and produce something as good as the film this should have been.

the most bizarre horror film of 2009

halloween ii

rob zombie’s h2 is one of the strangest franchise slasher films ever made. flawed but fascinating, it is (for better or worse) the product of a singular vision and definitely the exact film that zombie wanted to make. the entire thing, from the jarring opening sequence to the inclusion of “love hurts” in the closing credits feels like a giant raised middle finger from rob zombie. unfortunately, it’s unclear to me who the finger is raised to… critics? the studio? fans? there are things i like and things i don’t about the film and i have yet to firmly decide how i feel about it as a whole (hopefully watching the unrated cut this week will solidify my feelings one way or the other). in any case, its brazen disregard for convention and unquestionably unique take on the evil in haddonfield make it a must-see for genre fans.

the biggest fumble of 2009

the last house on the left

like many films before it (the most maddening example being spielberg’s a.i.), the remake of the last house on the left is a brilliant piece of film making that falls completely and utterly on its face in its final moments and really should have just ended just a few minutes earlier. like seeing your favorite team leading through the whole game, only to lose with seconds on the clock… finishing this film is a disheartening experience that makes you wish it had sucked from the beginning instead of getting your hopes up. while spielberg had no such excuse (having final cut), the ending of the last house on the left stinks of studio interference. an unfortunate bit of interference that is solely responsible for keeping this film off many a ‘best of’ list. including mine.

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – September 4th, 2009
2. Horror Community Highlights – November 27, 2009
3. Friday the 13th (2009)
4. Horror Community Highlights – November 20, 2009
5. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards

Update 1/12/10: Melissa of Bloody Mary’s Movie Review was randomly chosen as our giveaway winner! Congratulations to her, and thanks to all that entered!

In anticipation of its January 12th release, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has been kind enough to offer a free Blu-ray copy of the unrated director’s cut of Rob Zombie’s Halloween II to one of our site’s readers. If you’re interested in receiving this free Blu-ray copy of the film, please leave a comment below (don’t forget to include your email address) or simply email me at corey@evilontwolegs.com and include something like “Halloween Blu-ray Giveaway” or (if you’re feeling more exuberant) “I WANT ME THAT THERE H2 BLURAY PRONTO!” in the subject line. A winner will be announced shortly, so enter now.

Official H2 DVD/Blu-Ray Trailer

Synopsis (from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment): Rob Zombie’s H2 (HALLOWEEN) picks up at the exact moment that 2007′s box-office smash, HALLOWEEN stopped and follows the aftermath of Michael Myers’s (Tyler Mane) murderous rampage through the eyes of heroine Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor Compton). Evil has a new destiny. Michael Myers is back in this terrifying sequel to Rob Zombie’s visionary re-imagining of Halloween. It is that time of year again, and Michael Myers has returned home to sleepy Haddonfield, Illinois to take care of some unfinished family business. Unleashing a trail of terror that only horror master Zombie can, Myers will stop at nothing to bring closure to the secrets of his twisted past. But the town’s got an unlikely new hero, if they can only stay alive long enough to stop the unstoppable.

Related posts:

1. Fan Art Field Trip: Halloween
2. The Hair of Halloween (2007)
3. Why Dogs Hate Halloween
4. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 12th, 2010
5. Happy Halloween

jennifer’s body
maybe it’s because megan fox was a part of the travesty that is transformers 2 or because i had no idea going in that the film was scribed by juno writer diablo cody, but i expected jennifer’s body to suck and suck hard. given such low expectations, it’s not a huge shock then that it surpassed them… but what was shocking was by how much. this is a damn good movie! a smart mixture of heathers, buffy the vampire slayer and the exorcist, jennifer’s body is a funny, bitingly satirical film revolving around the often unhealthy and parasitic nature of teen female friendships. while perhaps not oscar-worthy, megan fox turns in a surprisingly layered performance, deals very well with cody’s highly stylized dialogue and (as shown to the left) pulls off one hell of a creepy smile. not a perfect film, but highly recommended. just make sure to avoid the inferior theatrical version and watch the unrated director’s cut instead.

the butcher
referring to the snuff-film-within-a-gore-film in the butcher, a character says “i know we can sell it to the US. they’re always looking for something bloody.” and, you know… he’s right, because i was intrigued enough by the description of this low-budget korean hostel knock-off to cue it up on netflix watch instantly. and while there are a few unique disturbing images to be found in the butcher (a first-person view of a homosexual rape by a man wearing a pig’s head leaps to mind), all lose their impact due to poor setup of the situations, shoddy camera-work and the incessant and annoying babbling, squealing and whining of the main character. i have no doubt i would be reduced to a babbling wreck as well if kidnapped and tortured, but the primary victim in the butcher takes it to such ridiculous, comedic extremes that they should have just named the film a guy cries, yells, begs, spits and crawls around in the dirt for about an hour. the film seems to have few aspirations above qualifying for the label ‘torture porn’ and, in that, it does succeed. and while it may fit very squarely into that subgenre, it’s not a very noteworthy example of it.

wrong turn 3: left for dead
many seem to prefer the campiness and insanity of the sequel to the original film, but in my mind wrong turn 2 doesn’t hold a candle to wrong turn. while i will not deny the inherent awesome-ness in having henry rollins square off against a bunch of cannibal hillbillies in the second film, the original wrong turn had a terrifying atmosphere and vicious tone that the sequel lacked. wrong turn 3 follows in that trend, replacing style and scares with camp and over-the-top comic violence. the kills are entertaining enough, but both the script and characters (even the once-creepy cackling antagonist, “three-finger”) are dull and lifeless. wrong turn 3 didn’t bore me to tears, but left me wishing for something that more firmly built on the scares of the first film or was more successful at imitating the ridiculous antics of the second.

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)

1. Lois Lane!
I had no idea that Superman’s best gal is in this film. No offense to Kate Bosworth, but Margot Kidder IS Lois Lane. I was happy to see that what made her work so well as the plucky Daily Planet reporter is also evident in the way she plays the role of sorority gal Barb. She’s hardly the stereotypical airhead, but a foul mouthed, hard drinking, wise cracking woman who was born an old soul. I love the way she’s completely unperturbed, and even slightly amused, by the prank caller. And she has no end of fun with the naïve rookie cop, convincing him that “Fellatio-20880” is the new phone exchange for the sorority house.

2. Surly Women
This is a bad-ass sorority! For one, there’s a poster of an old lady giving the finger hanging on the sorority house wall. Also, the sorority’s den mother is called “Mac,” and she’s just as sassy as Margot Kidder’s Barb. She hides enough liquor throughout the house to drink Dylan Thomas under the table, and even brushes her teeth with whisky. Plus, when a concerned father shows up and complains about the morally unsavory conditions of the sorority house, Mrs. Mac responds by giving him the finger, too. After all, she can’t help it if the girls behave badly. As she so eloquently puts it, “these broads would hump the Leaning Tower of Pizza if they could get up there.”

3. Funny Hats and Fur Coats
I spent very little time around fraternities and sororities in college, so I’m not exactly hip as to what kind of fashion is involved. But I never imagined that sorority girls dressed as Strawberry Shortcake and fraternity boys as Grizzly Adams. Of course, Jess is the gentler, kinder exception to the otherwise hard-bellied nature of this sorority. And perhaps that pink, puffy hat is simply a nod to renaissance fashion. She was Juliet, after all, in Franco Zeferelli’s classic version of Shakespeare’s play. However, unless Chris has just joined the crew of a Nantucket whaling vessel, there is simply no excuse for that abomination of a coat.

4. The Dad from Nightmare on Elm Street
Lieutenant Fuller, it turns out, will show up again as Nancy’s dad in Nightmare, and they’re pretty much the same character. In both films, he’s a rough-around-the-edges, competent town-cop who can’t quite manage to save the day. However, in Black Christmas, he actually stands guard while Jess sleeps. It’s too bad he doesn’t treat Nancy as well in Nightmare. In that film, he ignores her warnings and lies to her about Freddy.

5. Jason and the Amazing Technicolor Hockey Mask
In Black Christmas, we get an early glimpse of what would later become THE iconic slasher apparel. Of course, Jason’s version is toned down, and one can only wonder what would have happened had he picked up this hockey mask instead. He’d still be a methodical killing machine but I bet he’d have just a little more spring in his step. Actually, this hockey mask also looks like the face plate they made Hannibal Lecter wear–had he decided to decorate it for Cinco de Mayo.

6. The House from Halloween
This film has an uncanny way of predicting the future. First, Nancy’s dad makes and Jason’s mask make their first appearances, and then the film takes place in the Myers house. Well, the sorority house does have a little more bling than the more austere and suburban houses of Haddonfield. But the opening sequence of Black Christmas does look a lot like Halloween. Plus, Billy is a prototype for Michael Myers in that he has lots of bizarre, unresolved issues with Agnes, who I take to be the little girl he murdered years ago. Not to take anything away from a film that is in my top five of all time, but Carpenter basically took Black Christmas, then changed the holiday, moved the setting to a middle-class neighborhood, gave Billy a family, replaced all the fur coats, funny hats, and surly women, and ended up with his masterpiece.

Related posts:

1. Butcher Knives & Body Counts
2. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street: 10 Pointless Observations
4. The Cook (2008)

In earlier posts we’ve looked at the fashion and style of Haddonfield, horror villains in general and Camp Crystal Lake (twice). This week we’re headin’ to Texas, alleged home of the NASA Space Center, Cordell Walker (aka Walker, Texas Ranger), the breed of cattle known as ‘longhorns’ and far too many families of ravenous, psychotic cannibals to name. We’re accompanied this go ’round by Brittney-Jade Colangelo, professional baton twirler, horror twitter-er, world-renowned hostess of dayofwoman.com, and recently crowned Ms. Horror Blogosphere 2009. So join Brittney-Jade, Jon and myself in breaking the cardinal rule by “messing with Texas” as we delve into the fashion sense and interior decorating choices present in 1974′s foliage-unfriendly classic — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Jon: If I remember correctly, that’s the THIRD time in this film they’ve had to pull the van over to look for her pasties. Brittney-Jade: Little known fact, she used those diamond cutters to make a hole in the side of the van. Her friend’s hot-pants make it very difficult to move and the sliding door just wasn’t cutting it. Corey: see video

Jon: In early drafts, the film was called “The Kentucky Corncob Massacre,” and Strawhead was the original villain. Corey: Ya know, pardner… sometimes you wear the hat, and sometimes the hat wears you. Brittney-Jade: I knew it was bad to have a denim jacket with denim pants, but for some reason a denim polo, denim overalls, and a straw hat just screams CLASSY!

Jon: He wore a snappy dress shirt, nicely pressed pants, and brand new patent leather shoes, but, tragically, he forgot to put on his parachute. Corey: What is with all the denim and heavy materials, Franklin? It’s not like you didn’t know you were going to Texas in the summer. And those shoes look like something your hateful mom bought you for the first day of Kindergarten. Brittney-Jade: I’d be frustrated too if I was wearing double denim in a wheelchair. I’m pretty sure he knows he looks awful, but he can’t get anyone to help him change.

Jon: INVISIBLE MEATBALL SUB Corey: Wearing a chicken breast as a necklace is both a fashionable and utilitarian choice. Brittney-Jade: First someone interrupts his voodoo ritual makeup application, then someone bashes his chicken necklace, and THEN someone steals his lunch. Today is just not his day.

Corey: No, Franklin that shirt doesn’t make you look fat. But the Baby Ruth fashion accessory isn’t exactly slimming. Brittney-Jade: I see his winter coat is coming in nicely. All we need is a gold chain and a nightclub and we’ll have ourselves one hell of a looker. Jon: I’m pretty sure this guy would run around buck-hairy-ass-naked if he didn’t need pockets for his candy bars.

Jon: This is an age-old story of the haves and the have-nots. He’s clearly strutting around with enough fabric in those bell bottoms to make a sail, and yet that other poor girl hasn’t got enough for even a decent tube top. Brittney-Jade: I have to wear these stupid white bell bottoms?! IT’S EVEN AFTER LABOR DAY! Greg gets to wear jeans, Why can’t I?! My sister gets to walk around topless! MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA! Corey: Jerry, on the left, is following the ‘worms’ sign inside to buy some night-crawlers so he can take the homeless children fishing. The homeless children that have been taking shelter under his bell-bottoms since Tuscon.

Corey: “It says Smoked Sausage on the package,” says Franklin. “So you smoke it. Like a cigarette.” Jon: This is the precise moment we know the kids are in a heap of trouble. Pam’s hand gets stuck in the van’s window, Kirk becomes mesmerized by his own reflection in a puddle, and Franklin suddenly sprouts a very large wart. Brittney-Jade: I use my bandannas as shirts all the time. Especially when hanging out with my two-tone denim boyfriend. And my double denim handicapped pal.

Jon: He may be a murderous cannibal, but Leatherface knows how to dress the part of a proper Texas host. Notice the matching lime-green apron and facial mask, accentuated with a delightfully droll tie depicting a slab of fatback ham. Corey: The mask may say “it’s party-time,” but the tie tells you he’s all business. Brittney-Jade: Someone is in desperate need of some botox and a washing machine. At least Gerber baby food green is the new black.

Brittney-Jade: Greg has gotten all grown up now, complete with Burt Reynolds chest hair. He’s been trying to grow the moustache for years, but this’ll do for now. Jon: I get the feeling that at any moment he’s going to do a soft-shoe routine to the tune of “I’m Just a Gigalo” Corey: I was thinking he looked more like he’s about to replicate Robert Hays’ “Staying Alive” disco scene from Airplane.

Corey: Craig’s List can be really hit-or-miss. The description said “ADORABLE Overstuffed Reclining Love Seat $300!” Jon: THIS is what happens when you order a couch from Ikea and then assemble it after doing way too much peyote. Brittney-Jade: Even Billy Mays couldn’t sell me this. Zombie Billy Mays…that’s a different story.

Brittney-Jade:I feel like this is the shirt Zack Braff rejected for Garden State, but the glasses that inspired Sally Jessy Raphael. Jon: Riiiiiiii-cola! Corey: Jerry had a solid plan of wearing clothing that blended into the underbrush to avoid detection from local cannibals, but his unfortunate habit of screaming Skynard lyrics at the top of his lungs when nervous did eventually draw Leatherface’s attention.

Corey: Jerry was horribly embarrassed when he realized he’d accidentally worn a throw rug that morning and left his shirt out for Stanley Steamer. Brittney-Jade: Poor guy, the darts he put in his shirt actually accentuated his man boobs. This is why I get my clothes fixed by Americans. Jon: That’s either the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen, or it’s a very clever attempt to disguise himself as the rug that’s draped across the railing.

Jon: I find it disturbing that Leatherface look so incredibly sad in this picture. It’s as if he’s spent the entire day in the kitchen, then got all dressed up, put on his best skin mask, and nobody has shown up for the party. Corey: So ronery… Brittney-Jade: That’s the last time I’m buying facial lotion from Buffalo Bill.

Jon: Grandpa has the kind of confidence you just don’t see in contemporary horror villains. He’s brazenly wearing a pink shirt with a polka-dot tie, and he is so relaxed and calm that he can just nod right off in the middle of his own movie. Corey: Say what you will about the Leatherface clan, but there’s no denying their fashion ethic. Even when slicing meat or bashing in a girl’s head with a hammer, a tie is a MUST. Do they eat people… yes, yes they do. But they do so with unmatched style and sophistication. Brittney-Jade: Apparently, he didn’t get the memo that we weren’t buying facial lotion from Buffalo Bill anymore. He did however dress up for dinner, glad to see we have our priorities in line. I wonder if he pinkies out at dinner…

Corey: Wearing the tie outside the apron earns Leatherface 10 out of 10 for style, but loses several points for being a safety hazard. You’ve never known embarrassment until you’ve gotten your tie caught in your chainsaw blade and had to explain to the young girl you were chasing why it’ll be a few minutes before you can slice her up while you sort this mess out. Jon: It looks good, but it’s impractical. Look at all that blood. That’s what aprons are for. Now he’s going to have to waste precious time washing those stains out of his favorite tie. Brittney-Jade: Its okay guys, he’ll just kill Bill Cosby’s wardrobe designer and turn another one of his sweaters into a tie. We all know inbred cannibals are good with needle and thread.

Jon: Secretly, Leatherface has been dressing up as Julia Child and working on a book entitled “Mastering the Art of French Cooking for Cannibals.” Corey: Leatherface actually wears three different masks in the film, each intended for a different activity. in addition to the “lounging around the house and freaking people the fuck out” mask and the “sitting down for dinner with the family and freaking people the fuck out mask,” here we have the “cooking/cleaning and freaking the people the fuck out” mask. Brittney-Jade: I believe this is the “late night show and freaking people the fuck out” mask. I’m surprised Jay Leno hasn’t sued them for copyright infringement for stealing his chin and wearing it as their own.

Jon: This is kielbasa! I asked for Wiener Schnitzel! Brittney-Jade: I know, your food is touching. I wouldn’t be happy either. I’m sure you could separate them with your nipples though. Just calm yourself. Corey: You slave over an open stove all day, and then you have to tie them down to a chair made out of human limbs just to get them to eat… dating vegetarians can be such a hassle.

Jon: It’s sad, really, seeing the once youthful and vibrant Joker get all sad and corpulent in his later years. Corey: This image perfectly represents everything I remember about “Mrs. Doubtfire.” Brittney-Jade: DAMN IT LEATHERFACE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT MOMMY’S MAKEUP IS EXPENSIVE AND NOT A PLAYTHING. That’s it mister, no chainsaw for you. Go to your room.

Corey: The dangers of trying to touch-up your lipstick in the rear-view mirror… Jon: I like this gal’s style. Sure, she’s about to be horribly mutilated by a vicious killer, but that’s no reason she can’t spice it up with jazz hands. Brittney-Jade: Carrie, you had your movie. Get out of here.

Jon: Now, it’s one thing to stuff yourself into a suit that’s clearly three sizes too small. But he’s acting downright silly if he thinks he can make those clown feet of his fit into those wee cowboy boots. Brittney-Jade: I ordered ‘chase people with a chainsaw with ease’ boots. Hell, I’ll settle for boots ‘made for walking.’ But these ‘sitting’ boots are NOT what were described on my eBay auction. Corey: Little known trivia factoid: Leatherface accidentally invented the 1980s trend of ripped jeans.

Jon: “Don’t do it…” Corey: Leatherface demonstrates the “turn away then face the mirror real quickly — the first thing you see, take it off” rule of accessorizing. In this case, he chooses to lose the tie — it’s just competing visually too heavily with the blood-and-sinew-choked chainsaw and the sun-dried flesh mask. Brittney-Jade: Now I know where you got the makeup idea from, that’s the last time you’re hanging out with that Ledger kid.

Related posts:

1. Villanelle Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part Two
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 1
4. The Fashion of Haddonfield
5. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 2

The Birds
(Czechoslovakia)

Dawn of the Dead
(Germany)

Carrie
(Turkey)

Carrie
(Spain)

The Exorcist
(Turkey)

The Howling
(Belgium)

Friday the 13th
(Australia)

Friday the 13th Part 2
(Turkey)

King Kong
(Spain)

Psycho
(Czechoslovakia)

A Nightmare on Elm St.
(Germany)

A Nightmare on Elm St.
(Russia)

The Omen
(Czechoslovakia)

The Omen
(Turkey)

Return of the Living Dead
(France)

Scanners
(Italy)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(France)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(Italy)

Terror Train
(Germany)

Related posts:

1. Horror Posters: Japan
2. Horror Posters: Poland
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
4. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles
5. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards

1. Dracula (1931)
When I was five years old, the Book Mobile came to my elementary school every other month or so. I couldn’t yet read anything more advanced than “Run Spot Run,” so I never got all that excited about it, until one day I noticed this big, glossy book with lots of photos and movie stills from what I later came to know as classic Universal horror films. I gave up my ice-cream money for that book, and pretty much wore the thing out. I loved the pictures of the The Fly, The Mummy, and The Wolfman, but it was Bela Lugosi’s Dracula that hooked me more than the others. Of course, I couldn’t articulate why I was so interested in his character, but I think it was his combination of menace and sophistication, animal ferocity and cultivation. As a kid, it gave me a whole new way to think about the monsters that I thought lurked beneath my bed. Even though I begged them, my parents never did let me actually watch Browning’s Dracula until I was much older, but Bela Lugosi’s strange portrayal captivated my childhood imagination for years.

2. The Omen (1976)
I was around ten years old when this film started making its way into the movie of the week circuit, and one weekend I stayed up late and sneaked into my parent’s basement to watch it. I remember thinking the story was a little boring and hard to follow, until I realized that the kid in the film was not human, and this his parents were probably going to have to kill him. As an adult, I really don’t care for this film, but as a kid, it was shocking to think about the fact that the relationship between children and adults can be violent and antagonistic. And I can distinctly remember spending hours the next day in front of the bathroom mirror looking for a 666 birth-mark hidden deep in my scalp.

3. The Shining (1980)
I grew up in a rural town, so it was a really big deal when we finally got cable one summer. As part of a promotional package, we got two free weeks of Showtime, which I pretty much watched non-stop. Most of the time, I’d gather the neighborhood boys to watch Emmanuel, but one day in the middle of the week I decided to watch The Shining by myself. It might have been the creepy music, the claustrophobic setting, the story’s uncanny blend of real-life and supernatural threats, or the fact that much of the film is from Danny’s point-of-view, but The Shining effed me up like no film ever has, or likely ever will again. Even though this film scarred my fragile adolescent psyche, it had at least one positive effect. For the rest of the summer, I dreaded being inside or in any kind of confined space, so I spent most of my remaining free time learning to play baseball. It turned out to be a pretty good summer. Still, like Danny’s insatiable curiosity to peak behind door #237, I knew I’d never get rid of my new-found need to see if the next horror film would scare me as badly as The Shining.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Around the age of thirteen, I discovered slashers and rented every one of them I could find at the local video store. I came to love all that low-budget gore, cheesy dialogue, and lurid stories about relentless killers and intrepid teenage survivors. And then I rented The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was unlike any slasher I had ever seen. It didn’t follow any of the conventions, and it didn’t even seem like a movie at all, but an hour and twenty minutes of raw, uncut screaming and brutality. I didn’t have enough savvy at the time to understand that Hooper used a deliberate “documentary” aesthetic to give the film a kind of gritty naturalism. But I did learn that when it comes to horror films, the rules of conventional story-telling or standard decency don’t always apply, and that no other genre of film could be more thrilling.

5. Return of the Living Dead (1985)
As a teenager, I learned so many things from this film. First, I learned that zombie films aren’t just gory social commentary about our own inhumanity, but can be smart, funny, and provocative, all at the same time. Second, I learned that punk rockers have the coolest nicknames, i.e., Trash, Scuz, Spider, and Suicide. Third, I learned that no matter how much I would come to hate my after-school job as a bag boy, it couldn’t get any worse than Freddy’s first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company. And finally, I learned that 1985 was THE year that defined the zeitgeist of that decade, but NOT because of The Breakfast Club. For me, the 80s will always be best defined by The Return of the Living Dead. In fact, this film is unique to this list in that none of the above films still scare me like they did when I was a kid, but this one takes me right back to 1985 and still entertains me every single time I watch it.

Related posts:

1. Childhood Horrors
2. Horror Community Highlights – July 2, 2010
3. Where Have all the Real Horror Films Gone?
4. Films I Wish Were Real
5. The Most Disturbing Horror Films Ever Made – Part I

the texas chainsaw massacre (2003)
platinum dunes gets an unfair shake from many hardcore horror fans, i think. i was a big fan of friday the 13th and the trailer for their upcoming elm street re-imagining also looks interesting, but it all started with 2003′s remake of the texas chainsaw massacre, my favorite of their releases thus far. director marcus nispel seems to have an odd fascination with teens journeying far from home in search of bushels of marijuana, given that both texas chainsaw (2003) and the new friday the 13th open with that setup, but that storyline works far better in 1970s texas than it does in modern-day crystal lake. this remake abandons the camp of the original series’ sequels, and instead focuses on being as vicious and brutal as the original film, a goal which it largely succeeds in reaching. oh, and kudos to platinum dunes for opening the film with narration voiced by john laroquette (just as in the original) which perfectly sets the tone of the film.

the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning
in what may be a first, the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning is technically a sequel which is a prequel to a remake. it actually makes sense though given that the remake had introduced us to a host of bizarre characters, the next logical step was to explain how these characters came to be. the plot line is basically the same (kids run afoul of leatherface’s family and hijinks ensue), but that’s fine because this film has the same gritty tone, mood and visual feel of the remake, which was its biggest asset. as in the first film, r. lee ermey steals the show, in many ways eclipsing leatherface himself as the series’ prime villain, which is no small feat. i think there was even less enthusiasm for this film than the first from horror fans at large, but i personally love them both.

the texas chainsaw massacre 2
two chainsaw films in, i decided to just go ahead and officially make it a southern perennial-unfriendly marathon by throwing in tcm part 2. now maybe it was the fact that i was mainlining nyquil at the time, but i’d completely forgotten how f’ing weird this film is. the whole thing feels like a comedic torture-porn directed by david lynch, which i can’t honestly say is necessarily a bad thing. it would be a bizarre dark comedy all on its own, but tcm 2 is just so different from the original film that i can’t imagine what audiences must have thought back in 1986. while it may lack the scares and visual style of the original, it more than makes up for it in blood-crazed whimsy, gore and wacky dialogue (e.g., “oh, my achin’ banana!”, “leatherface, you bitch! look what you did to my sonny bono wig!”, “dog will hunt!”, and “it’s like super-feedback. just put the underwoofer across the overflapper”).

Related posts:

1. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
2. Villanelle Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part Two
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)
4. The Fashion & Aesthetics of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)

i’ve seen some people complaining that this remake is unnecessary, some even to the point of boycotting watching the trailer. to me, that’s just silly… whether they turn out good or bad, i love seeing other people’s interpretation of stories i love. macbeth is my favorite of shakespeare’s works, and i enjoy seeing it reinterpreted by different directors and actors time and time again. the same is true of my favorite horror films. remake them all, i say. and when they’re done remaking them… remake them again. the more horror films out there, remakes or original, the better.

Related posts:

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street Blu-ray
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street: 10 Pointless Observations
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
4. Horror Community Highlights – May 7, 2010
5. Horror Community Highlights – April 2, 2010

Related posts:

1. Nintendo DSi Does Horror
2. Classic Horror Games
3. Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles

i was playing around with my nintendo dsi and discovered it comes with a fairly nifty photo manipulation program. with the built in camera and a few pokes of the stylus, you can easily turn a nice picture of your favorite horror blogger like this into this monstrosity. like everything i encounter in life, i immediately began thinking “how can i apply this to horror films?” within a few minutes, i’d created the images you see below. while i’d prefer being able to load images directly into the dsi, the easiest way i found to get the images i wanted into it was just to hold the dsi up to my computer screen and take the picture.

Related posts:

1. Nintendo DSi Does Horror Part 2
2. More Horror on Blu-ray
3. Childhood Horrors
4. Classic Horror Games
5. Horror on Blu-Ray

let the right one in
the uk edition of let the right one in is my favorite of my horror blu-ray purchases. the dvd copy i own has the non-theatrical (read: crappy) subtitles, and all blu-ray releases in this region are the same for the moment. i took a chance and ordered the uk version from amazon and was delighted to find out it was region free. (on a related note, if anyone has a region-free player and wants a copy of silent hill on blu-ray meant for region b, let me know). additionally, this is the only release of the film to include an english language commentary track. it features the writer and director and is well worth the small extra cost to have the blu-ray imported. you can find this version from several online retailers, but here’s the amazon link i ordered from.

friday the 13th 3-d
while the 3rd installment of the friday the 13th franchise blu-ray features no extra features over its dvd counter-part, i find it well worth the purchase for the bump-up in quality of the 3d experience. be warned though — while superior to the dvd, this is still an older 3d process film and doesn’t hold up terribly well on dvd or blu-ray, particularly in day shots and when approaching the extremes of depth. still, this is the best 3d version of the film you’re likely to see apart from a screening at your local art house theater.

cloverfield
godzilla in new york shot cinéma vérité style? count me in. despite my co-writer jon’s insistence this was just an over-hyped piece of nonsense with nothing but annoying characters… i love it. the blu-ray version features an exclusive ‘special investigation mode’ which places a government interface around the film which shows you bits of info relevant to the scene you’re watching as well as the current location of the military, the film’s main characters and the ‘clover’ beastie in relation to each other on a nifty map of manhattan.

the x-files: i want to believe
the simple fact that the latest x-files movie had 0% to do with the black oil/alien invasion/magic bee plot which never made a damn bit of sense made me like it instantly. the fact that the blu-ray version of the film features a picture-in-picture commentary from chris carter and co-writer frank spotnitz and an interactive timeline covering the entire x-files history makes me like it as well.

planet terror
watching a film that was purposely made to look like crap in hd may seem pointless, but i love this disk. as ironic as it may be, all the the scratches, dust and aging have never looked as clear on planet terror as they do on blu-ray. this disk has all the special features of the dvd release, as well as a special scratch-free version of the film ‘just discovered from a thought-lost negative.’ an interesting and curious feature, but the film is probably best viewed as it was intended – beautifully flawed.

death proof
i actually prefer death proof over planet terror, but i think i’m in the minority there — in any case, they’re both beautiful films. there are no special features on this disk not included on the dvd release, but if you’re going to own planet terror on blu-ray… then you better damn well own death proof. it’s the law.

halloween (1978)
halloween is my favorite film of all time, so i am powerless not to purchase it anytime it’s released in a new version, format, or with new holographic cover art. the blu-ray version does feature a new ‘trivia track’ which features little pop-up-video-esque factoids, most of which you’ll already know. halloween is really best enjoyed grainy and dark, which makes me feel weird about buying it in hd… but if i squint real hard and push the brightness way down on my tv, it looks just like my old vhs, which is really how the film should be experienced.

halloween (2007)
apart from the original halloween and the evil dead series, i can’t think of another horror film to have more pointless re-releases and multiple versions than rob zombie’s amateur-piece, halloween. still, there are things to enjoy in this film, and this is definitely the version to own if you’re going to have one. the picture is beautiful and all the special features are here, including the commentary track and the four and a half hour long (!) making-of documentary. watch this in beautiful hd to get yourself prepared to be moderately disappointed all over again when h2 hits theaters on august 28th.

Related posts:

1. Let the Right One In Blu-ray With Commentary
2. Horror on Blu-Ray
3. Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving
4. Trick ‘r Treat
5. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs

friday the 13th (2009)
the friday remake has polarized horror fans, but love it or hate it — this blu-ray is definitely worth having. in addition to the features present on the dvd, it has several blu-ray exclusives, including two featurettes (one on the history of the series and another that examines each of the film’s best kills in-depth) and a bd-live sneak preview of trick ‘r’ treat. the star of the disk, however, is the mis-named ‘trivia track’ which is actually a full-length picture-in-picture commentary featuring interviews with cast and crew and alternate versions of scenes (including the scene where jason gets his mask). i’m personally a fan of the remake, but i came to appreciate it even more after watching this track.

my bloody valentine 3d
the only blu-ray exclusive feature worth mentioning on mbv 3d is ‘molog’, which allows users to create their own visual blog entries that others can view during the film. i can’t say i was overly impressed with this feature as i didn’t see many such entries online, but that was a while ago and perhaps things have changed. what i am impressed with, however, is the 3d on this disk. while still not the same as the theatrical experience, the 3d present on this blu-ray release is far superior to that of the dvd, likely due to the resolution and clarity hd offers. at least for the moment, this is the best 3d experience one can have at home.

constantine
while a bastardization in many ways of the comic it’s based on (hellblazer), i still enjoy many aspects of constantine (alas, keanu is not one of them). this blu-ray version features all the extras of the special edition dvd release plus an additional picture-in-picture commentary track that delves into the history of the project and why john constantine ended up being portrayed as he is. similar to the friday remake, this commentary is interesting if you’re a fan of the source material, even if you’re not of the film itself.

the thing
the thing is definitely worth owning just to see in hd, but the blu-ray also includes a picture-in-picture commentary. most of the material contained in it is from the ‘terror takes shape’ documentary you can see elsewhere, but seeing pieces of it spliced along-side the film is definitely worth watching even if you’ve seen the doc before.

dawn of the dead (2004)
dawn of the dead is one of the few recent remakes to live up to its source material. the dvd release was loaded with extra features, but the blu-ray goes one step further by including a behind-the-scene/documentary style picture-in-picture commentary track that goes further into the making of the film.

land of the dead
similar to the dawn of the dead disk, land of the dead also features a picture-in-picture commentary track comprised mostly of behind-the-scenes footage. in addition to the typical interviews you’d imagine, it also includes john leguizamo leading a set tour where he and dennis hopper inform a pa that they don’t feel like working and are just going to dick around for a while.

the descent
the next-gen edition of the descent can be watched in one of three ways — the r-rated version, the unrated, or ‘the underground experience.’ the latter is another excellent picture-in-picture commentary track featuring just about every cast and crew member you can think of and does an excellent job of covering the film from conception to completion.

return to the house on haunted hill
while not a great film by any means, return to the house on haunted hill does feature one of the most unique uses of blu-ray technology seen thus far. the film is cheesy and filled with expendable characters, which fits perfectly with the choose-your-own-adventure-esque ‘watch the movie your way’ mode exclusive to the blu-ray edition. at pivotal moments in the plot, you’re given control of the characters actions and can influence the way the story plays out. with 96 possible permutations, it will be a while before i’ve seen every possible version of rtthohh.

Related posts:

1. More Horror on Blu-ray
2. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
3. Friday the 13th Movie Site Goes Live
4. The Last Horror Film and Shuttle
5. F13 Megapost – Jason Contest – Crystal Lake Webcam – New Logo

While we all know what types of films the adjective “exploitation” refers to, I’ve often wondered exactly who or what is the object of the exploitation in question? Is it the audience, the film or, perhaps, a particular subject matter? These answers are not mutually exclusive, since in truth the answer is likely all three. These films exploit lurid or disturbing subject matter, often at the expense of quality. The advertising for such films does this as well, attempting to shock and/or titillate, as opposed to focusing on a film’s quality, stars or artistic aspects. And, of course, the film and its advertising are each exploiting the audience’s more prurient interests for financial gain. In this scenario, usually everyone involved is left satisfied – the filmmakers make their money and the audience gets to enjoy sating their desire to watch films their mother would probably prefer they didn’t. In terms of this arrangement, The Toolbox Murders (1978) is a complete and utter success, while its 2003 remake exploits very little other than its own title.

The Toolbox Murders (1978) is an excellent example of the term “exploitation film.” Its poster art features a nearly nude woman bathing in front of a masked assailant carrying a power drill. A hammer forms the second ‘T’ in the title, which sits atop a toolbox leaking blood. “Bit by bit… by bit he carved a nightmare!” the poster rather awkwardly exclaims. “What he does to your nerves is almost as frightening as what he does to his victims!” an oddly placed placard reads. This poster is attempting to communicate one singular message – “This movie has more blood and tits than you could possibly imagine, so go f’ing see it!” – a message it gets across successfully, albeit bluntly. I don’t know how well this film delivers on that promise, but in terms of its advertising, any theater patron coming across this poster knows instantly what the film is about and whether they want to see it. More than thirty years later, it is still rare to find film advertising that so clearly and succinctly communicates its message at a single glance.

Beyond the actual film and its advertising, the idea for the film was born not from creative desire, but from financial aspiration. In many ways, the story of the making of the film is more interesting than the film itself. Producer Toni DiDio noticed that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was playing at his local theater for a second run. Amazed, he asked the distributor to send him a copy of the movie and he pulled together a television director and a writing team and invited them to a private screening of the film. They were told that when the film started, they would know what it was and their job was to come up with an idea for this film’s market. Toni, the driving force behind The Toolbox Murders, then waited next door for the film to end because he didn’t really like horror films.

We all know the film business is just that – a business, but rarely do you see it so plainly as here. The Toolbox Murders only exists because a producer saw a niche he thought was not fully exploited, and he crafted a film to fit it. Its goal was not to be a better film than Tobe Hooper’s masterpiece, but simply to be a similar film (with additional blood and nudity) that would appeal to the same audience. In those regards, the film is a resounding success and I can’t imagine audiences being disappointed. This is a film that’s title and poster scream “this is the kind of movie where you might get to see a naked woman get murdered with a nailgun.” And, about halfway into the film, that’s exactly what it delivers.

Given that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was the inspiration for The Toolbox Murders, it’s ironic that Tobe Hooper would end up directing the latter film’s 2003 remake. You would think part of the reason Tobe was chosen was that the producers were aware of his influence on the original film, but the decision seems to be based simply on the fact that Tobe was the most well-known director they could get for the money available. Regardless, any failings of The Toolbox Murders (2003) in terms of camera work, editing, lighting or other directorial responsibilities may fall on the shoulders of Tobe Hooper, but the film’s failure as a remake of an exploitation classic fall largely with the producers.

The Toolbox Murders (1978) is not a film for everyone and, given its subject matter, its no mystery why fans of the film are in the minority. No one is under any obligation to watch the film except, one might reasonably argue, the people responsible for remaking it. And yet on the commentary track for The Toolbox Murders (2003), producers Jascqueline Quella and Terence Potter clearly state that they couldn’t watch more than a few minutes of the original film. Quella goes so far as to call it “the most misogynistic film I’d ever seen,” an opinion based on seeing only a small fraction of the entire film. When the producers obtained the rights to the film’s title, it came with a draft of a script similar to the original film, which was quickly discarded. With Tobe Hooper attached as director, they began crafting a new script, one with a much different agenda than that of the 1978 film. The original film’s plot was, as you’d probably expect, exceedingly simple. A crazed lunatic kills women in an apartment complex with various household tools in response to a past trauma. He continues killing young women in various states of undress until one of the victims fights back. In the 1980s, this premise would become the basic formula for dozens, if not hundreds, of other exploitative slasher films.

The producers of The Toolbox Murders remake, however, decided their film would go in a different direction. The basic slasher concept was replaced with a story that focuses on the mystery of how an old apartment complex came to be built. Women and men are now killed, and there is no nudity. And, perhaps strangest of all, the killer is not a deranged sexual predator and psychopath but instead a 100-year-old warlock who uses his victims and the hotel itself to cast a spell to keep himself alive for centuries.

While I doubt I am the first to say it after learning of the plot of this film, I’d like to take this moment to officially say, “What the hell?” To be fair, the killer does, in fact, kill using tools – but that has little to do with the plot or an appreciation of the original film and everything to do justifying the film’s title.

In terms of financial success, the reason for remaking a film is to bank on the popularity of the original. Rarely does a remake replicate its source material exactly (a notable exception being the blasphemous Psycho remake), but it would seem wise to make a strong attempt to a film that, by-and-large, would appeal to the same audience as the original. I have no issue with someone making a film about a male witch who lives in the walls of a Hollywood building in an attempt to achieve eternal life. However, I don’t think that’s the film anyone would expect to see when paying to watch a remake of The Toolbox Murders.

The Toolbox Murders (2003) is an exploitative film, but not really of the variety I described earlier. Instead of exploiting a certain topic, marketing niche or people’s less than noble desires, this film is simply exploiting the audience of the original film. It’s a bait-and-switch, based not on audience expectations but on the personal preferences of the film’s producers. Toni DiDio may not have been a fan of slasher films, but his job was to deliver a film that would satisfy audiences that did. Given the financial success of The Toolbox Murders (1978), it’s obvious this goal was achieved. The remake, on the other hand, is far less successful, both creatively and financially. The answer to why this may be seems obvious – the film fails to deliver on the promises that the title and claims of being a remake entail. Furthermore, fans of spooky apartment/mystical drywall-concealed witch stories can hardly be blamed for failing to recognize this film as such, based on its title.

Successful remakes are a new take on an existing story that remains true in spirit to the original. Successful exploitation films may not deliver all the thrills, chills or brassiere cup sizes that the posters may imply; but they do not leave the audience feeling as though they just wasted their money. It’s unfortunate both for fans of the original film and fans of Tobe Hooper’s work that The Toolbox Murders (2003) fails on both these counts. You would think that remaking a film like The Toolbox Murders would be a rather self-evident and simple task, but in what must have been a task comparable to salmon swimming upstream, the forces behind the remake seemed hell-bent on proving this wrong. Removing not just the basic plot but almost everything that makes exploitation films what they are, The Toolbox Murders (2003) is an empty, soulless film that takes itself far too seriously and leaves all the fun back in the decade of disco, leisure suits and pet rocks.

Related posts:

1. Friday the 13th Movie Site Goes Live
2. Shredder (2003)
3. April Fool’s Day (2008)
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
5. My Bloody Valentine 3D

the thompson house from a nightmare on elm street

just click the links below to cyber-travel to the listed film location and see what it looks like today. if you go on your own little horror safari and find any additional locations, please add them in the comments section.

the overlook hotel from the shining

the macneil’s georgetown home from the exorcist

the long flight of stairs from the exorcist

the haunted new york home from the amityville horror

sunnydale highschool from the television show buffy the vampire slayer

camp crystal lake from friday the 13th

death shrub from halloween

the strode house from halloween

the street corner behind the title card of halloween

the doyle house from halloween

spook central — the myers house from halloween

bonus item: godzilla in tokyo

Related posts:

1. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
2. Why Dogs Hate Halloween
3. Classic Horror Games
4. Elm Street Remake Trailer
5. Childhood Horrors

the last horror film
this week see’s the release of david winters’ 1982 film the last horror film (aka fanatic) on dvd. genre fans will immediately recognize joe spinell and caroline munro from their leading roles in maniac. this reunion is no coincidence as the last horror film is, in many ways, the spiritual sequel to that classic slasher. the success of maniac gave its producers the freedom to make another film, which they cleverly wrote to occur at the 1981 cannes’ film festival, not only putting the cast and crew right in the middle of cannes’, but also allowing them to stay in the best hotels free of charge. what results is a film whose “making of” story may be more interesting than the film itself, but luckily several interviews and a fantastic dvd commentary track ensure that you receive both.

fans of the disturbing nature and extreme violence of maniac may be let down by the last horror film. the tone of the film is far closer to that of an episode of murder, she wrote… than a classic slasher. you will not see any scalpings or exploding heads (or, angela lansbury, to be fair). however, if you were a fan of spinell’s portrayal of psychotic photographer frank, then you should be equally pleased by his scenery-chewing antics as filmmaker vinny durand. vinny is just as delusional as frank, believing himself to be the next great filmmaker and convinced that if he gets his favorite horror scream queen (munro) into his film, he’ll be an instant success. when attempts to convince her to be in his film fail, he begins following and filming her without her knowledge, slowly piecing his film together from the celluloid fragments he can steal of her daily life. i rather like that setup and the film has some surprises, but it never ventures into the subversive territory that maniac occupies. the film also features one of the oddest soundtracks i’ve ever heard. it sounds like the director just hit ‘shuffle’ on his ipod and let random chance choose the songs for each scene, as their appropriateness to the situation was obviously not the deciding criteria. this gives the whole film a surreal and playful quality that may or may not have been intended.

the real star of this dvd from troma entertainment is the commentary track featuring producer and best friend of joe spinell, luke walter. walter reminisces about his departed friend and the making of this film with humor, brutal honesty and a thick new york accent. rarely does a commentary track eclipse its subject, but this one does. other interesting special features including an interview with maniac director william lustig and the short film mr. robbie (aka maniac 2), starring spinell. while rather odd and tame if compared to maniac, the last horror film is a definite “must buy” for joe spinell fans and worth a look for any fan of early 80s horror.

Shuttle
magnolia pictures has been putting out several good horror films lately (e.g., let the right one in, the signal, etc.), and you can add shuttle to that list. shuttle is a great horror film and a great mystery, which is a rare combination. this a tightly written script about a group of people stepping onto an airport shuttle bus that is driven by — (wait for it…) — a murderous psychopath. despite the simple premise, the story ends up being rather complicated, although that isn’t immediately apparent. events occur early in the film that you immediately disregard because they seem unimportant, but they all come back later in surprising ways.

while this isn’t an artistic or highbrow tour de force like let the right one in, that shouldn’t discourage anyone from seeing it. shuttle is dark and gritty material told with style and talent and filtered through an exploitation lens. the filmmakers only goal seems to have been to create a slick thriller that will keep your attention and shock you in ways you didn’t expect and, if that’s so, those behind the creation of shuttle should consider it a complete success.

Related posts:

1. Horror on Blu-Ray
2. Foreign Horror Film Posters
3. Three Poems That Are As Effed Up As Any Horror Film
4. More Horror on Blu-ray
5. Is HATCHET a Slasher Film?

Pick of the Week

My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Haunted by the mining-related massacre that took place there on Valentine’s Day a decade ago, Tom (Jensen Ackles) returns to his hometown to find some closure. But no sooner does he arrive than a pickax-wielding madman begins a new bloody killing spree. Now, many suspect that the murderous miner has returned to claim his final victims — including Tom. Patrick Lussier directs this remake of the 1981 horror classic.

Bane (2008)
Held captive in an underground prison by a sadistic sicko who fancies himself a surgeon, four women fight for their lives, knowing the exact time they’re scheduled to die thanks to a crudely carved set of four-digit numbers on each of their bodies. None of them can remember how they got there, but if any of them figure out the secret to their imprisonment, they stand at least some chance of surviving. James Eaves directs.

Detective Story (2007)
In this shocking thriller from controversial filmmaker Takashi Miike, businessman Takashima Raita (Kuroudo Maki) and private eye Kazama Raita (Kazuya Nakayama) hunt for a brutal serial killer with a bazaar fondness for human organs. When three women, one being Kazama’s client, are found dead and stripped of vital organs, the two Raitas team up to find the murderer, and the trail leads to an eccentric artist with a unique artistic medium.

Skull & Bones (2007)
When gay college buddies Nathan (Derrick Wolf) and Justin (Michael Cross Burke) accidentally kill one of their classmates, they discover a shared passion for homicide. So after a group of Ivy League snobs humiliates them, they decide to take action together. Soon they start kidnapping the guys one by one and wielding their vengeance. T.S. Slaughter writes and directs this gay-themed slasher flick that co-stars Ryan G. Metzger.

Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)
After a series of mysterious disasters occurs in the Pacific, from the disappearance of a plane to the destruction of an oil rig, a group of scientists discovers that a secret military mission has unearthed a prehistoric shark and a giant octopus. When the government learns of the existence of the menacing beasts, the team of scientists is tasked with formulating a plan to destroy the phenomenal creatures. Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson star.

The Devil’s Ground (2008)
Carrie Mitchell (Daryl Hannah) is suddenly swept into a world of terror when a blood-soaked young woman (Leah Gibson) stumbles in front of her car and relates a horrific tale of a murderous rampage at an Indian burial ground, in this indie thriller directed by Michael Bafaro. Now, it’s up to Carrie to deliver the girl to safety as the psychotic killer who slaughtered her companions pursues them. Twan Holliday and Lee Tomaschefski co-star.

The Last Horror Film (1982)
Determined to cast her in his first movie, wannabe producer Vinny Durand (Joe Spinell) relentlessly pursues scream queen Jenna Bates (Caroline Munro). Vinny’s determination soon turns deadly, however, and Jenna’s life becomes far more horrifying than any of her slasher flicks. Set against the backdrop of the Cannes Film Festival, this award-winning tale of blood and obsession is directed by David Winters.

True Blood: Season One (2008)
Mind-reading Louisiana waitress Sookie Stackhouse’s (Anna Paquin, in a Golden Globe-winning role) life gets complicated when she falls for vampire Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) in a world where vampires live openly and drink synthetic blood. Trying to improve their image and legitimize their finances, the out-of-the-coffin bloodsuckers hire PR firms and contribute to influential Republican politicians. Alan Ball (“Six Feet Under”) helms the HBO series.

Related posts:

1. Horror DVD Releases – Week of January 19th, 2010
2. Horror DVD Releases – Week of April 21th, 2009
3. Horror DVD Releases – Week of November 3rd, 2009
4. Horror DVD Releases – Week of August 18th, 2009
5. Horror DVD Releases – Week of May 12th, 2009

1. Anaconda (1997)
I’m not sure why I’ve never seen this movie, as I recall seeing a pretty cool trailer involving a lithe and wicked-looking snake whipping around a boat. And I know that it stars some venerable actors, including Jon Voight, and that rapper who sang “Mama Said Knock You OUT.” Maybe it’s this connection to rap music that’s kept me from seeing it. Don’t’ get me wrong, I like rap as much as the next guy, but being a child of the 80s, I can’t help but think of the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” whenever I hear the word “Anaconda.” It’s just part of my subconscious now. So thank you very much Sir Mix-A-Lot. You’ve kept me from seeing what I’m sure is one of the better films ever made about a giant reptile eating Angelina Jolie’s father.

2. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
I like The Omen, The Exorcist, The Prince of Darkness, The Ninth Gate, The First Power, The Car, The Devil’s Advocate, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, and I even kind of like Bedazzled and My Demon Lover. The first song I remember loving as a kid is Charlie Daniels’ “The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Let’s face it, the Devil is just plain interesting. Add in the fact that this is one of the seminal films from legendary and controversial director Roman Polanski, and it’s ludicrous that I haven’t seen Rosemary’s Baby. I know little about the film except that it stars Mia Farrow, so if Woody Allen is the demonic father of her onscreen hell baby, I’ll kick myself even harder for not seeing this.

3. An American Werewolf In Paris (1997)
One of the things I love about An American Werewolf In London is its strange and unsettling mixture of horror and comedy. I imagine that the Parisian sequel has even more hijinks than the original, with plenty of characters comically slipping on banana peels and whatnot. I’ll wager that the story goes something like this: a romance develops between an all-American wolf-boy and a young French waif, but their relationship is doomed after an inane but tenacious French detective stumbles upon the mutilated, half-eaten body of a well-loved mime.

4. Stir Of Echoes (1999)
This is a film I’ve had in limbo at the bottom of my Netflix queue for years now. I’ve always heard that it’s a pretty good ghost story featuring Kevin Bacon. If I remember correctly, I think the film is about an all-American town haunted by the tragic deaths of some high school kids who were drinking and driving after their box social. Kevin Bacon plays the part of a strange newcomer who must cleanse this town of its ghosts through the power of rock ‘n’ roll and the sheer force of his furious dancing.

5. Dog Soldiers (2002)
The only reason this film is on my list is because my co-writer, Corey, suggested that I include it. I have never seen a trailer for this film, read any reviews of this film, or even heard anyone mention this film until he did. So I figured it must be a film along the lines of Ginger Snaps—a really good film that somehow never got the mainstream attention it deserved. But Corey seemed amazed I’d never seen it, so it must be some kind of mega-hit that I just somehow missed. Apparently, you can even buy Dog Soldiers action figures. And, as Corey pointed out to me, there are no Ginger Snaps action figures (but I say there should be).

6. Dead Alive (aka Braindead) (1992)
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I knew him from Heavenly Creatures, his superbly crafted film about the tenderness and cruelty of adolescent obsessions. Apparently, he also made splatter films about zombies and aliens, and one of them, so I’ve been told, features muppets. I REALLY hope it’s Dead Alive, because I think undead muppets would be a wonderful way to introduce kids to the delightful world of re-animated corpses ushering in the apocalypse.

7. Cujo (1983)
I’ve loved gore films since I was a kid, but I can’t stomach the idea of a dog being injured or hurt in a film. I just about had to stop watching I Am Legend because of that terrible scene involving his dog. So maybe that’s why I‘ve avoided Cujo. I also haven’t read Stephen King’s novel, so I’m really in the dark about this one. Of course, “Cujo” has now become a synonym for “vicious dog,” so I think I’ve got the gist of the story: man’s best friend turns out to be not so friendly after all. I’m pretty sure they used a St. Bernard for the film, and I imagine it’s pretty scary, as they’re big dogs, and usually very friendly and trustworthy. However, I think it would be even scarier to be attacked by a gang of very small dogs, say, beagles or pugs.

8. White Zombie (1932)
I love classic black and white horror films. I think James Whale’s Bride of Frankenstein is just as savvy and sophisticated as anything being made today. I also love zombies. So, once again, I’m at a loss as to why I’ve not yet seen what is credited as being the first zombie film. And it features the original bad-boy of horror, Bela Lugosi. I don’t know exactly what his particular role in the film entails, but I’ve seen stills of his character, and those big, bushy eyebrows and fu Manchu beard are strangely hypnotic. I’m also pretty sure that Rob Zombie’s band White Zombie took its name from this film, so I bet the immaculately coiffed Lugosi is the real inspiration for Rob’s ongoing fascination with long-haired villains, heroes, and every other character type.

9. Prom Night (1980)
I’ve heard the remake of this film really stinks. But I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t seen either one. I know that it’s an important slasher film, and I’ve heard it described as the unofficial sequel to Halloween, largely due to the fact that it features Jamie Lee Curtis as its final girl. I’m sure this film is as good as everyone says, but I don’t think you need to throw a homicidal maniac into the mix to make prom night scary. They’re inherently terrifying events, what with all those awkward teenage boys in their ill-fitting tuxedos and girls in their big, poofy, southern antebellum prom dresses. And I think 1980, in particular, must have been really tough on proms because it was a lousy year for music. Disco was still around, and a lot of music’s best and brightest tragically died in 1980, including Ian Curtis of Joy Division, Darby Darsh of the Germs, Bon Scott of AC/DC, John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, and, of course, John Lennon. And that’s horrifying enough.

10. Black Christmas (1974)
I’m especially embarrassed that I haven’t seen this one, as it’s one of those films that slasher fans constantly reference. I suppose it’s kind of like being a football fan who never watches the Superbowl. I have, however, seen Silent Night, Deadly Night, so I’m not completely in the dark when it comes to violent yuletide films. I know that Olivia Hussey stars in Black Christmas, and I think it must have killed her career. She was brilliant in her portrayal of youthful naiveté and unabashed sexuality in Franco Zeffirelli’s iconic 1968 film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet. But I don’t think her career ever really went anywhere after 1974. And this makes me wonder all the more about what horrible things Santa must have done to her in Black Christmas. I bet it involves something nasty from that big sack of toys he carries around and the repeated use of the phrase “naughty.”

Related posts:

1. Films That Defined My Childhood
2. Horror Community Highlights – October 2nd, 2009
3. Horror Community Highlights – February 5, 2010
4. Zombeak!
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)

series 7: the contenders
to me, low-budget film making is the best when the filmmakers find a way to use the lack of financial resources to their benefit instead of overreaching their grasp. such is the case with the blair witch project, [rec], and now, series 7: the contenders. in the near future,citizens are chosen randomly by social security number to participate in a reality show, whether they wish to or not. the players in the game are forced to hunt down and kill each other by any means possible; the winner being the last man or woman standing. the story here is similar to what you’ve seen before in films like the running man, battle royale or the more recent death race, but the difference is that series 7 isn’t trying to be an action film. the cheesy graphics, staged monologues, and the rushing, energetic camera crews chasing after each of the contestants scream “trashy, low-budget reality show.” in whatever future this is, series 7 is not the american idol of its day — it’s likely more akin to cheaters or rock of love. this works to the film’s advantage, as this style breaks down the wall between film and audience and makes what you’re watching seem ‘real.’ which is probably why we love reality tv in the first place. the camera follows characters in their private moments, sometimes peaking through doors and catching the contestants unaware, letting us feel we know these people far better than you could a fictional hero in some action film. of course, these are fictional characters as well — but part of the reason this format works is because that shaky, video quality camera footage makes you feel like what you’re watching is ‘reality.’ in this way, the film owes a lot more to stephen king’s the long walk than battle royale, despite the obvious plot similarities to the latter. series 7 could have probably used a little more polishing, but overall it’s a clever story told in a very compelling way and well worth checking out.

actress apocalypse
i have sorted through hundreds, if not thousands, of crappy, unwatchable micro-budget horror films over the years hoping to find those elusive pieces of genius film making i know are out there. my latest roughage to comb through looking for shiny rocks has been netflix’s streaming service since they plugged it into my xbox. you have no idea how many wretched horror films are available there for you to watch, 24/7. of the dozens i’ve seen so far, only one noteworthy film has risen out of the muck — and that film is actress apocalypse. i can’t imagine the budget of this film being more than what i have in my wallet right now, but this is the best example i’ve seen of how much you can really do with a camera, lots of talent and little else. the plot is remarkably simple and intriguing. david b. lincoln the 3rd is a struggling filmmaker who wants to create his first masterpiece, but unfortunately the only people he can get to help him are his brother vance and a guy who insists on being called “the golden terror.” david’s film, titled clearwater canyon, would be epic — if only he could complete it. for example, it features such classic lines as the following, spoken by a trapped heroine pondering her fate.

As I sit here, pondering my predicament on why the army men haven’t gotten here to save me yet… The fear, that the big, fat, ugly mullet Indian is on his way here to kill me.

while david has only the best intentions at heart despite a stunning lack of talent and little grasp of reality, vance has only one goal in mind — to use the auditions of the actresses for his brother’s project as a way to create his own snuff films. it all plays out as a mockumentary, supposedly the behind-the-scenes making-of footage of david’s doomed film. the film fluctuates seamlessly between being a disturbing serial killer horror film, an over-the-top exploitation flick, and a laugh-out-loud comedy. acting is usually where micro-budget films suffer the most, but the three primary characters (david, vance, and golden terror) are like the marx brothers of low-budget horror production, each far better crafted and acted than most comedic characters found in studio products. based on the director’s own history working on micro-budget productions, i imagine much of the situational humor comes from personal experience. i cannot recommend this film enough, particularly for anyone with any interest in low-budget film production. but if you really need more convincing, i suppose i could mention the extraordinary amount of quality nudity on display. not that anyone would make their decision based such a thing, but it has a lot. i mean… a lot.

Related posts:

1. Harper’s Island – The first slasher film television series?
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. Horror Community Highlights – November 6, 2009
4. Pathogen and Q&A with Emily Hagins
5. The Last Horror Film and Shuttle

poultrygeist: night of the chicken dead
it is remarkable how little troma films have changed over the years. it would be almost impossible to place them in any kind of chronological order without the help of imdb. even the company graphic at the beginning of each one hasn’t changed with the years. there’s something charming about that timelessness of troma’s films, and poultrygeist is no exception. the major difference here is that it’s a musical, but everything else is as it’s always been. the same reliance on potty humor, extreme violence, nudity and tongue-in-cheek shock tactics are abundant. as always, the story plays out like a three stooges routine with copious amounts of blood, feces and breasts. i don’t know how they do it, but poultrygeist even has that same grungy film quality that one immediately associates with troma films. i imagine at this point they just shoot their films normally then run all the footage through some aftereffects plugin to give it that characteristic look that makes you feel like you need a shower. anyway, terror firmer was always my favorite of kaufman’s creations… until now. poultrygeist is by far the best troma film i’ve ever seen. sure, as in all troma films, much of the humor centers around hurling turds at the camera… but these are smart turds. mixed in with the 5th grade level bathroom humor is some biting satire on corporate america and relationships and, most notably, some damn catchy music. unlike the other recent horror musical, repo, this film actually features some songs with melodies and hooks, many of which you’ll find yourself humming days later. if you’re a fan of troma in the slightest, then definitely give poultrygeist a look.

gutterballs
gutterballs is another film from ryan “live feed” nicholson and, as hard as it is to believe, it’s even worse than live feed. this film is a tedious, mean-spirited endurance test of bad writing, acting and direction. however, in the interest of full disclosure, i must divulge that i’m predisposed to disliking nicholson’s films. one of my favorite podcasts (details here, including links to the relevant episodes). regardless of whether i liked live feed or not, i lost a lot of respect for nicholson due to his unprofessional reaction to criticism. (coincidentally, this was at roughly the same time notlp gave a similarly negative review to kevin kangas’ fear of clowns, which prompted kevin to also write them and tell them how much he enjoyed their review, which is an example of how to handle such things gracefully).

however, i honestly believe i would hate gutterballs regardless of who was responsible for its existence. this is a film that includes (at least what feels like) a 20 minute long rape scene, ending with the girl being violated by the larger end of a bowling pin. the scene is obviously meant to be shocking, but it’s horribly undercut by inappropriate vaginal shots during the rape and even before (the victim inexplicably wears no underwear early in the film, showing off her bits each times she leans over to bowl). these shots are meant to titillate, but fail on all levels and further, make the victim unsympathetic and irritating. not that that’s out of place here, as every character is annoying beyond belief and most do little more than scream shrilly and rattle off inane dialogue, most of which is comprised almost entirely of the word ‘fuck.’ gutterballs does feature some impressive special effects and copious amounts of gore, but overall the film feels like the feverish masturbatory fantasy of a mal-adjusted 12-year-old. when you read a description of the film’s plot, it may sound like something troma would create — a cartoony slasher with lots of violence, nudity and vulgar humor. however, if we were to transmogrify a troma film like poultrygeist into human form, it would be your buddy who occasionally drinks a little too much and makes off-color jokes, but is usually fun to have around and, gosh, when he tells that story about pooping his pants at the mall, you always cry with laughter. gutterballs, on the other hand, given human shape, would be your creepy uncle that you wish wouldn’t come to family reunions, likes to talk about his extensive porn collection and you’re afraid to leave alone with your sister. unless you happen to be a creepy uncle yourself, i’d recommend staying away from gutterballs.

Related posts:

1. RSS Feeds
2. The Last Horror Film and Shuttle

i’m thinking of buying this from amazon. i don’t have an extraordinary amount of teenagers
having premarital sex and smoking illicit drugs around my apartment, but perhaps enough to
warrant the investment.

No related posts.

i can’t think of any precedent for harper’s island, a show that cbs will soon start airing. freddy’s nightmares and friday the 13th: the series leap to mind as possible candidates, but while those were television shows based on existing slasher franchises, i don’t think either qualifies as a “slasher television series.” which, unless i’m misinterpreting the synopsis below, is exactly what harper’s island is.

HARPER’S ISLAND is about a group of family and friends who travel to a secluded island off the coast of Seattle for a destination wedding. This island is famous for a streak of unsolved murders from seven years ago. Although they’ve come to laugh and to love, what they don’t know is they’ve also come… to die. As the wedding festivities begin, friendships are tested and secrets exposed as a murderer claims victims, one by one, transforming the wedding week of fun and celebration into a terrifying struggle for survival.

In every episode, someone is killed and every person is a suspect, from the wedding party to the island locals. By the end of the 13 episodes, all questions will be answered, the killer will be revealed and only a few will survive.

Don’t miss the broadcast premiere of HARPER’S ISLAND on Thursday, April 9 (10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT).

Related posts:

1. Is HATCHET a Slasher Film?
2. Series 7 and Actress Apocalypse
3. Free Xbox 360 “Slasher Bear” Naughty Bear Skin Code
4. Video Nasties – Slasher Edition
5. The Last Horror Film and Shuttle

fangoria reports that the details of the my bloody valentine 3d dvd have been released. in addition to a commentary track with the director and co-writer and several featurettes, all versions (standard, special edition and blu-ray) will all feature the film in both 2d and 3d versions and include four sets of glasses. this will not be the real3d clear glasses used in the theater (that can’t work at home without special equipment), but will instead be the standard stereoscopic blue/red version. while not nearly as cool as real3d, this should still be quite entertaining and far better quality than the other slasher film just released on dvd in 3d. (here’s the cover art for the my bloody valentine 3d dvds.)

also, since i used a picture of a dog, that gives me a segue to be self-indulgent and post two pictures of my dogs (mulder & servo). i’ve included a prop so as to not stray too far from the topic of this blog.

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D
2. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards
3. Remakes Update
4. MBV Special edition and F13 Uncut
5. Two Ways To Kill Friends With An iPhone: Axe-a-Friend and App of the Dead

(don’t forget to take part in our ultra-fun his name was jason dvd give-away contest by sending us anything friday the 13th related. that picture of you at 11 years old with your home-made paper plate hockey mask, that story about the time you spent the night in the dryer because you were so scared after watching jason lives at a friend’s birthday party, or just a short (obviously incorrect) argument for why you think roy burns was a better jason than jason himself.)

friday the 13th: uncut corey’s ten second review

so, why am i calling this my “ten second review?” is it because this review will only take ten seconds to read? or is it because it only took me ten seconds to write it? no, either of those rationales would just be crazy talk. as it turns out, the ‘all-new uncut footage’ that has been so ballyhooed and anticipated amounts to only ten seconds of additional film (spread across four scenes). this is my ten second review because i’ve decided to only look at ten seconds of friday the 13th: uncut — those 240 or so frames in this version that we’ve never seen before.

scene 1: the killing of annie
additional time: 2 seconds

annie’s death is not only the first on-screen death in friday the 13th, it’s also one of the most startling. following the example set by psycho, there is an attempt at misdirection as we’re lead to believe that annie will be one of the film’s primary characters. pamela’s quick dispatching of annie comes as a bit of a shock and is particularly effective due to the fade-to-white that occurs as annie’s life comes to an end. the uncut edition of friday the 13th adds an additional 48 or so frames of blood spurting from annie’s throat before the fade begins.

scene 2: jack and marcie’s love scene
additional time: 2 seconds

oh, this is a fun one. in the original cut of the film, we see a brief shot of kevin bacon’s buttocks being touched. the uncut version of friday the 13th adds an additional two seconds to this shot, showing kevin’s right butt cheek being squeezed for a moment. it’s hard to imagine any film that couldn’t benefit from additional kevin bacon ass, so i definitely feel that this new cut of friday the 13th is better for it. one can only hope that these extra bacon bits will cause the film’s current 60% rotten tomato rating to jump up a few percentage points in the near future.

scene 3: the killing of marcie
additional time: 2 seconds

marcie’s death is my favorite in the film, so i’m glad it’s one of the scenes to benefit from the abundance of new footage in this special edition. staged like a magic trick, the quick cuts during marcie’s death alternately show a fake head with a real axe and a fake axe with a real head. the end result is as convincing as anything you’ll see in any slasher film before or since. this special edition adds an additional couple of seconds of marcie sliding down the wall after the axe has hit.

scene 4: the killing of jack
additional time: 4 seconds

My Bloody Valentine: Special edition

Hi, I’m Axel Palmer. The REAL Axel Palmer from 1981′s My Bloody Valentine, and I want to set the record straight. It seems you’ve forgotten all about me, even though we once shared something special. The new film may be younger, flashier and have an extra dimension, but it can’t love you the way I do. Don’t you remember the poem I wrote for you? It went like this: “Roses are red, violets are blue, one is dead, and so are you.” I meant it then, and I mean it now. Forget the new film. Slasher fans, I want you back, so I’ve written another poem for you. It’s in couplets, because I think we should be a couple again. Valentine’s Day has already passed, but slasher fans, it’s not too late. Will you be my bloody valentine?

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D
2. Remakes Update
3. Ki-Ki-Ki Ma-Ma-Ma
4. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
5. Horror on Blu-Ray

jon and i wrote the following short opinions this past weekend after seeing friday the 13th (2009) without consulting each other. i’m glad to see that, at least when it comes to jason voorhees, we seem to be on exactly the same page. (don’t forget to email us your thoughts on the new film, your earliest memory of the series, your favorite jason costume photo or anything else friday the 13th related for our his name was jason dvd give-away. send it in or it’s the part 7 sleeping bag/tree treatment for you, i’m afraid.)

corey’s thoughts…

writing a review of this film would be kind of pointless, so i’ll take a different approach. however, if forced to summarize the review i might have written in two sentences, it would go like this — “friday the 13th (2009) slammed the start button on the whoop-ass machine. go see it.”

traditional critical reviews of the film are, predictably, not great. but that’s par for the course — no slasher film is ever going to win an academy award. that said though, i’m a little puzzled by the negative reactions the film is getting from people who love the friday the 13th series (see final girl’s mixed feelings on the film for an example). while i enjoyed many aspects of rob zombie’s halloween, i can easily understand why michael myers fans might not like the modern re-envisioning. in many ways, that film is not true to the series it is based on. however, i can’t really see how a jason voorhees fan couldn’t love this new version of friday the 13th. this film is a 97 minute love-letter to the franchise. it’s a great big party with no cover charge and an open bar thrown in honor of jason voorhees, and all fans of the series are invited. not all horror fans are treating it that way though.

i’m not saying this is a perfect film — it’s remarkably easy to find faults in it. the characterization is shallow at best, there are ginormous plot holes at every turn, and logic plays little part in the plot or the decisions of the characters. but since when did any of that matter in this series? jason’s very existence as a living adult has always been based on the biggest plot hole in film history — if he drowned, how’s he running around killing people? if he didn’t drown, what’d he do for the 25 years in the woods, besides not run back to the mother that was his entire world? it makes no sense… and maybe it doesn’t have to. in fact, i think i prefer that it doesn’t. if you had a time machine and could go back and tell sean cunningham in 1979 that jason would be the star of the series so they needed to write in some scenes of jason hiding in the woods and explain how he could see his mom beheaded into the first film — would that really make you enjoy the series more? isn’t part of loving friday the 13th embracing nonsensical plot devices, jason’s apparent ability to teleport and teenagers with little to no survival instinct? yeah, i know it makes no sense that there’s an underground mine underneath a camp, 20 yards from a lake. yeah, i know that no real survivor of a spree murderer would feel the need to drag jason’s body to a lake and dump it instead of leaving it for the cops. but isn’t that part of the charm of going to see a new friday? unlike most films, i don’t see plot holes and inconsistencies as flaws in this series — hell, they’re almost necessary ingredients.

the new friday is dark, gritty, and treats the original material with respect. most importantly though… it’s fun. at my showing, the audience reacted as one giant organism in a way i haven’t seen in a long time. jason was mean, fast and ferocious in a way i don’t think he’s ever been before. you can say this or that kill weren’t incredibly effective, but i think most lived up to the hype (the sleeping bag over the fire and the girl under the dock stand out in my mind). there hasn’t been a friday whose tone was this dark or a killer this scary since at least part four, and perhaps even as far back as part two or the original. i am incredibly appreciative as a fan of the series to see jason brought to life in a way that, really, he’d only existed in my childhood nightmares (which were always scarier than the campy late-series sequels that usually gave birth to them). i’ve been waiting twenty years to see a vision of jason voorhees that wasn’t treated as a joke, and for the cost of a sandwich and a soda i just got to see 90 minutes of a mean, kick-ass, “back-to-basics” version of him slaughter thirteen attractive, out-of-their-element, less than academically gifted teenagers at crystal lake. at least for me, it’s impossible to be disappointed in that.

Jon’s Thoughts…

Marcus Nispel’s remake of Friday the 13th is far from perfect, but let’s get a couple of things straight. First, this is not Jason goes to Hollywood, Jason on the moon, or Jason vs. the Wolfman. This is what slasher fans have been wanting for twenty years—a badass Jason doing what he does best, and doing it at Crystal Lake where he belongs. Second, if at least some part of you didn’t love the first 20 minutes of this film then I demand you hand in your official slasher-fan membership card. I’d argue that the first 20 minutes are the best in the film. Jason is relentless and terrifyingly efficient in killing the first wave of ne’er-do-well teenagers, and he does so before we even see the film’s title screen.

Of course, the film has its share of problems. The plot doesn’t make much sense. Why in the world, for example, would Clay and Whitney decide to dump Jason’s body in the lake? When the cops eventually show up, those kids are gonna have some ‘splaining to do, and having the body of the killer on hand would probably be a good idea. And why did Nispel put a mine in the middle of Crystal Lake? Who knows? But, really, who cares? This isn’t a franchise that’s ever stood on its tightly crafted story-arc. I’ve never cared at all that Jason is skinny lad with long hair in part 2, but a bald, beefy, he-man in part 3.

And then there’s the problem with Jason’s mom. I think most fans of the franchise will agree that writers Damian Shannon and Mark Swift handled it strangely, reducing all of the original part 1 to about 90 seconds. But I’m not sure they could have done it any other way. I’m glad they didn’t go the route of Rob Zombie and give Jason an elaborate origin story. That would have been silly. And they couldn’t simply ignore Mrs. Voorhees. So they really didn’t have many options.

I’ve read a lot of descriptions about the way Nispel has made Jason more human, which is true, but he’s still the same vengeful spirit that punishes anyone who, as the token crazy lady at Crystal Lake puts it, steps out of bounds. I don’t think this really counts as a ‘re-boot’ or ‘re-invention’ of the franchise—not in the way that Zombie re-invented Michael Myers, or in the way that Nispel re-booted Chainsaw. But, all in all, I think the new Friday the 13th is lots of fun, and a serious tribute to one of horror’s best slasher icons.

edit: I found this at the horror section and thought it was fitting…

Related posts:

1. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009
2. Friday the 13th Comics
3. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th (part 2)
4. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th
5. Friday the 13th Movie Site Goes Live

his name was jason contest

if you were unaware, a documentary is now out on dvd covering the entire friday the 13th series titled his name was jason. hosted by tom savini and covering all twelve films, this is the definitive visual companion piece to the book crystal lake memories. if you haven’t picked up a copy yet, you’re in luck – eo2l has an extra copy to give away!

“so,” you might be heard to say, “what do i need to do to obtain this blood-soaked piece of digital swag?” well, that’s the fun part. all you need to do is send me something friday the 13th related. a story, a photo, an image you created, a joke… i don’t care. whichever we deem to be the most interesting, impressive, funny and/or entertaining will win the dvd, and even those that don’t win may end up show-cased here in a future post. so it’s win-win! some examples of entries might be…

• tell me your first experience with the friday the 13th franchise
• send me that picture you took of kane hodder faux-choking your girlfriend
• describe that time you and your middle school friends cleverly found a way to purchase tickets to a disney film but snuck into jason lives
• your favorite screenshot or quote from the series. the more obscure the better
• send me a photo of yourself at twelve years old dressed up as jason for halloween
• send a photo of your impressive collection of friday the 13th memorabilia
• make an elaborate and passionate case for why part 5 or part 9 is clearly the best in the series

email your entries to corey@evilontwolegs.com. include how you’d like to be referred to and the link to your website (if you have one) in case we use your entry in a future blog post. this contest will run until… well, until i stop getting interesting submissions.

crystal lake webcam

a girl has setup a live webcam from crystal lake.
definitely worth checking out.

new logos

in addition to our original michael myers/laurie strode cartoon logo, we’ve also added baghead jason/ginny and jason/tina into the random rotation. all caricatures were created by uber-talented logo artist and mega-michael myers fan, raven. to see them all, hit ‘refresh’ to magically watch the logos change in our banner or, perhaps more efficiently, simply focus your vision a couple of inches below this sentence.

Related posts:

1. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 2
2. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 1
3. His Name Was Jason Contest Winner
4. New Logo and Super Fun Contest Time
5. Friday the 13th (2009)

if you’ve been to the theater lately, you may have noticed the cardboard stands of jason voorhees that you can stick your head through, so it appears that you are jason’s victim (this is subtly different than, as shown above, being jason’s victim when he sticks your head through a table). you’re invited to upload photos of yourself in the stand to facebook, and hundreds have already done so. the purpose of all this is to get you hyped up for the impending release of the friday the 13th remake which, for the readers of this site, is probably unnecessary. personally, i’m about as hyped as i can get. regardless, i did check out the facebook page, and my favorite of the images i found are listed below. my friends and i added a few pics to the mix as well (the last five). visit www.facebook.com/victimsofjasonvoorhees to see the entire collection or to add your own.

Related posts:

1. F13 Megapost – Jason Contest – Crystal Lake Webcam – New Logo
2. The Faces of Jason Voorhees: A Visual History Part I
3. Elm Street Remake Trailer
4. My Bloody Valentine 3D
5. His Name Was Jason Contest Winner

#10

the happening

i’ve almost always liked m. night shamalamadingdong. like most people, i was blown away by the sixth sense. i kinda dug unbreakable. i really liked signs and the village. ok, lady in the water left me scratching my head, but it wasn’t unwatchable. i knew m. night was a little pretentious (e.g., he just made up his middle name in college), but i didn’t think he was capable of truly horrible film making — that was, until i saw the happening. while the ruins may have proved that (spoiler warning) killer vegetation isn’t as silly a concept as you might think — the happening goes the opposite route and proves it’s even goofier than anyone thought possible. the film can’t even be saved by the almost always entertaining mark wahlberg (who turns in his absolute worst performance to date, which crescendos during a conversation he has with a plastic tree) or the always cute zooey deschanel (who, despite her pleasant appearance, somehow manages to be annoying in every frame of screen time she’s given). the only thing this movie had going for it was the mystery of what was causing the so-called ‘happening’… which they reveal 15 minutes into the film. i hate to say it, but in every respect, m. night whizzed this one right down the leg of his stylish trousers.

#9

trapped ashes

trapped ashes is one of those horror anthologies like creepshow and tales from the darkside. i’m a sucker for that kind of thing, so i was really looking forward to trapped ashes. how can you go wrong with four horror stories plus a wrap-around story? just by chance, a few of the stories would have to be decent, right? add in the amazing pedigree of at least three of the directors (joe dante, the howling, ken russell, lair of the white worm, sean cunningham, friday the 13th), and how could this suck? well, it does — and big. joe dante’s wrap-around story about people trapped in a house who decide to tell their scariest life experiences to the others in an attempt to convince the supposed madman who locked them in to let them out makes no sense and isn’t scary, interesting or remotely probable. sean cunningham’s half anime, half live action film about a woman trapped in a painting getting raped by a demon isn’t nearly as interesting as i just made it sound. ken russell’s film about vampiric breasts is, at least, novel. it plays out much like i imagine a porno directed by a 13-year-old david cronenberg would — amateurish but disturbing. the third story feels completely out of place as it’s basically an overly wordy and boring film noir piece about a love triangle with a slight supernatural twist. another story involves a parasitic worm and a baby, but apart from a cool ‘womb-cam’ effect, is rather ridiculous. the underlying thread connecting all these tales isn’t so much the horrible wrap-around story as it is one central theme — women are scary. i’ll give credit to ken russell for creating visuals that can actually circumvent the male part of the brain that says ‘breasts = awesome’ and making them, at least momentarily, seem unattractive — but that small achievement is not nearly enough to salvage this celluloid trainwreck.

#8

the eye

expectation plays a large part in putting these top ten lists together. while technically zombies, zombies, zombies may be a worse film than most on this list, i knew it was going to suck when i turned it on. somehow that makes a difference. the badness of a film is actually more offensive when it has no excuse for being bad… i’m more forgiving of low-budget films made my amateur filmmakers than i am of big-budget flops made by people who should know better. such is the case with the remake of the eye. the original film was quite creepy and entertaining, so i was hoping this would be another the grudge — a quality remake of a foreign film that meets, if not surpasses, the original. what i got was a sloppy mess of derivative nonsense that tries to coast by on how pretty its lead is and ignores the basic building blocks of a good film — things like script, acting, pacing and suspense. if you want to watch jessica alba, please go watch the fantastic four films again… if you want to see a movie about a blind girl seeing ghosts, go rent the original film, gin gwai.

#7

day of the dead

i was one of the first people to say that remaking dawn of the dead was sacrilege… and, after seeing it, i was one of the first to admit that i was completely and utterly wrong. so i was a little gun shy to jump on the “wtf!?!” band wagon when i heard they were remaking day of the dead. mena suvari’s in it? ok. ving rhames? even better. steve miner is directing it? you mean friday the 13th part 2 steve miner? well, maybe this won’t be that bad after all. as it turns out, the band wagon is a popular thing to jump on because it’s often filled with people who are right. this film is just bad, bad, bad. steve miner must have thought that if fast zombies were scarier than slow zombies (e.g., 28 days later) then fast zombies bouncing off walls like flying squirrels must be absolutely terrifying. that’s only the first of many bad ideas in this film. others include having people changing from slightly wounded to completely decayed zombies in a matter of seconds and (this is a big one)… using almost none of the story from the film it was remaking. apart from a few character names and the fact that there are, in fact, a few zombies around — this has nothing in common with my favorite of romero’s zombie apocalypse films. the ridiculous dvd cover of a zombie vomiting up banana pudding mixed with ears and giant eyeballs (or, i suppose, sucking in this mixture as opposed to expelling it) only adds insult to injury.

#6

anaconda 3

giant snakes + ‘the hoff’ sounds like b-movie heaven. unfortunately, the reality doesn’t live up to the concept. hasselhoff and john rhys-davies (who must have one hell of a coke habit to continue needing to show up in crap like this) make no attempt to mask their disinterest in this film as they stumble through each awkward scene. in a movie like this though, the snakes are the real stars… so its really a shame that the snakes in this film are likely the least convincing ever seen. holding this up to the camera real close and wiggling it around would have been far more convincing. i had to pause the film a few minutes from the end to get a soda and literally could not bring myself to hit ‘play’ and watch any more of it. if that nullifies my review, so be it… but i’m willing to bet that watching any more could only have moved anaconda 3 closer to the top of this list, not made me dislike it less.

#5

pathology

as we trudge our way further up this list, we’re moving from films that i merely found dull and disappointing into films that i truly hate. and i really, really hate pathology. i didn’t expect to going into it because i’m usually a big fan of medical thrillers. the blame for my hatred falls entirely on the script. not only are all the characters despicable people who are impossible to sympathize with (even when the filmmaker wants you to), but they’re stupid as well. for me, though, the biggest problem is character motivation — there is none. why does our hero, a medical student, decide to partake in a game where you murder someone and other medical students attempt to figure out how you did it? i have no idea. and typically ‘murdering strangers’ is the kind of thing characters need a reason to be doing. i hated every character in this movie and i hated the filmmakers for thinking i would identify with and feel sympathy for characters that, until the heroic music kicked in, were criminal sociopaths. I’m as big a fan of the anti-hero as anyone, but characters like Hannibal Lector or Dexter are attractive in spite of their ghoulish acts because of their charm and intelligence, not simply because they’re the star of the show. despite an interesting concept and decent direction and acting, pathology rubbed me the wrong way. like meeting someone at a party who mistakenly thinks your girlfriend is single and hits on her, i feel incapable of any forgiveness towards this film and instead am just going to stare at it angrily from across the room.

#4

dark floors

dark floors is billed as “the lordi movie.” i didn’t realize this until i put the dvd in, but i don’t think it would matter if i’d known it earlier, because i had no idea what a “lordi” was. as it turns out, ‘lordi‘ is a european heavy metal band. i’m no expert on that genre, but from what i can gather, ‘lordi’ appears to be like a ‘gwar’ for people who don’t find ‘gwar’ silly enough. all of the band members dress in costumes that look like they were ordered out of the back of fangoria magazine in 1989 and play music that sounds like what you’d hear if you were strapped to the underbelly of an exploding train loaded with grizzly bears and kettle drums. in any case, dark floors is not about the band ‘lordi;’ each member of the band plays a monster within the film. the story revolves around a little girl with crayons and a group of people trapped in some alternate universe version of a hospital. about twenty minutes into the film you may realize this all seems very familiar — that would be because this is the first film i’ve ever seen to follow the exact structure of a survival horror game. the alternate universe thing is stolen straight from silent hill, but more than that the story structure is the same. the characters move across one floor of the hospital, fight and/or run away from one of the ‘lordi’ monsters (i.e., “boss battle”), and then start fresh on the next floor. this continues ad nauseum until they reach the parking garage, where they run into the lead singer (i.e., final boss) and somehow defeat him because they’re good people or have the power of love on their side or something. the film is somewhat stylish, but feels like an overly long music video… which, i suppose is what it is. after watching the ‘making of’ i realized that not only did i hate “the lordi movie”… but i hated ‘lordi’ as well. even through the swedish i could tell that the front man, the oh-so-cleverly named “mr. lordi,” is a complete and utter douche bag of epic proportions. my opinion of the film is pretty much the same, although i don’t think you can technically call a film a douche bag — but if you could, that’s exactly how i would describe dark floors.

#3

trackman

the second of the ghost house underground films to make my list, this is a russian slasher film that has little to offer the genre. after a heist, a group of thieves and their hostages head into the abandoned railway tunnels to escape. unfortunately, a pickaxe wielding madman with a habit of removing people’s peepers already calls that place home. the premise sounds interesting enough, but even with only a mere 80 minute running time, the film can’t seem to find anything interesting to show you. most of the time is spent with the thieves arguing amongst themselves and deciding who gets to carry a gun. which brings up another point… these people have several guns amongst them, yet they never once attempt to shoot the very slow moving guy with the pickaxe who keeps picking them off. tack on an ending that feels like it’s a big revelation, but which reveals nothing (a la saw 5) and you’re left with one big slippery mother of a film turd. in russian.

#2

shutter

calling shutter a movie is a disservice to every filmmaker out there attempting, whether brilliantly or poorly, to do something approximating art. this is a shameless remake of a j-horror film that exists, not because someone enjoyed the original and wanted to put their own spin on it, but because someone somewhere thought they might be able to make a dollar off it. i understand money drives the production of all hollywood films, but in this case it’s obvious that everyone who showed up on set had only one thing on their mind — their paycheck. the director himself admits as much in the commentary when he states that he doesn’t like horror films. well, that’s just terrific. following that logic i imagine the set was catered by an anorexic who hates food, the costume design was done by a nudist, and the actors were all cast from those aboriginal tribes that think having your picture taken steals your soul. it should be no surprise that shutter is not remotely scary or compelling in any way because it takes more than just throwing a dark-haired asian ghost girl into your film to make it frightening — it actually takes a bit of talent and a lot of work.

#1

april fool’s day

april fool’s day (2008) is so bad, i almost didn’t include it on this list simply because i didn’t want to have to think about it again. at least from those i’ve seen, this is the worst of the worst when it comes to the recent trend of horror remakes. shallow, boring, predictable and pointless — i stand by my original review.

this sucky movie is full of suck.

next week is friday the 13th week! i’m so giddy with little-school-girl-esque excitement over the release of the modern re-envisioning of everyone’s favorite hockey-masked killer that i’ve got several jason voorhees themed posts planned for next week leading up to the film’s friday opening. so keep checking back…

Related posts:

1. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
2. Corey’s Best of 2008
3. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
4. April Fool’s Day (2008)
5. Corey on The Burning

unfortunately, this is just something i put together for a somethingawful thread called “games you wish existed.” it’s been 20 years since the last friday the 13th video game… i think it’s about time we got another one.

someone in the thread asked how the game would be played… this was my reply.

In the single player game, you’d play as Jason.
Well, except in the first stage where you’d be his mother.

The third stage would be in 3D.

In the multiplayer, one player would be Jason while the rest would be counselors. Counselors can score points not by fighting Jason, but by avoiding Jason and successfully completing tasks such as “have sex with another player without being stabbed,” “smoke marijuana without being stabbed,” “go skinny-dipping alone without being stabbed,” and “check out that strange noise in the basement without being stabbed.” The last remaining female counselor is granted special bonuses (similar to perks in Fallout3), such as “Pamela’s Sweater” (confuses Jason), “Younger Brother with Shaved Head” (confuses Jason) and “Tina’s Daddy Issues” (psychic abilities).

Related posts:

1. Classic Horror Games
2. Where Have all the Real Horror Films Gone?
3. His Name Was Jason Contest Winner
4. Films I Wish Were Real

i ventured out into the winter cold last night to check out the remake of my bloody valentine. despite its reputation as a minor classic in the genre, i’ve never been a big fan of the original film — yet i had high hopes for the ‘re-imagining,’ or whatever the currently popular euphemism for ‘recycling old ideas’ is.

how was it? after the climatic moment of a particularly gruesome death sequence (of which there were many), the patron sitting next to me exclaimed “holy shit, that was bad-ass, dawg!” while i may have stated it in slightly different terms, that statement rather concisely describes my feelings about the film as a whole.

at least when seen in the recommended number of dimensions (no less than three), my bloody valentine is an amazing experience. with a smart script, likable characters, and, most importantly, the proper hard-edged slasher/exploitation film tone, this is the film that i was expecting and hoping hatchet would be. throw in the clever use of Real3D technology, a truly scary villain, jensen ackles (supernatural), and tom atkins — and it’s very hard to find anything not to like. it may not be the greatest slasher film of all time, but it is certainly the best in quite a while. while it’s probably just wishful thinking, i can’t help but hope that the likely success of this film and the upcoming friday the 13th remake will usher in a revival of the genre. hopefully a revival more similar in tone and sensibility to the early 80s (when the original friday the 13th and my bloody valentine were created) rather than the self-referential and overly-hip days of the mid 90s ushered in by scream.

to summarize: not only is this the first decent slasher film in recent memory, but it’s the first to be presented in 3d in 27 years. any fan of the genre should go see it, go see it in 3d, and go see it with friends. i’m currently working on a post of the best and worst of 2008… but i’m already fairly certain my bloody valentine will be on my list of best for 2009.

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
2. Remakes Update
3. MBV Special edition and F13 Uncut
4. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
5. The Bloody-Disgusting Horror Blogger Awards

remakes are all the rage with the kids these days, so here’s poster art and trailers for a few upcoming horror ‘re-imaginings.’ are you looking forward to any of these? personally, i can’t wait for my bloody valentine and friday the 13th, which, oddly, i just noticed each star one of the brothers from supernatural.

Related posts:

1. My Bloody Valentine 3D
2. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
3. My Bloody Valentine 3D DVD and Dogs
4. Friday the 13th Movie Site Goes Live
5. MBV Special edition and F13 Uncut

For a long time now, I’ve been asking myself this question: Where have all the slasher films gone? The genre came into its own in the 70s and 80s, had something of a mainstream revival in the 90s with Scream and the films that followed it, but seems to have declined ever since. Of course, there are plenty of good horror films being made right now, especially of the zombie and vampire varieties. And the Saw and Hostel franchises have, in my opinion, made horror interesting again. There have been some recent terrific slasher film remakes, notably Zombie’s Halloween, Marcus Nispel’s Texas Chainsaw, plus the forthcoming remake of Friday the 13th. And as terrific as Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon is, I’m reluctant to give it full “slasher film” membership as it’s more about slasher films than it is one itself.But there seem virtually no original, honest-to-god, straight-up slashers films being made right now. And this is why I was especially excited about the release of Hatchet, which is billed as NOT a remake, or a sequel, but a return to old-fashioned American slasher films. This was to be the grand return of my favorite genre of horror, but after watching it, I was ultimately left a little disappointed because, while this film is certainly an enjoyable and often witty horror flick, I’m not certain it can be categorized as a true “slasher” film. On the surface, it appears to have all the prerequisites, but some vital ingredient is missing… an ingredient I didn’t even realize was necessary to qualify as a “slasher” film until someone made a film in which they removed it. But, in the interest of fairness, I came up with the following list of reasons why one could consider Hatchet a genu-INE slasher film.

Reason #1. The film follows a classic slasher plot.

Hatchet follows the relatively simple, straightforward plot of just about every slasher. A motley assortment of characters find themselves in strange surroundings and at the mercy of psychopathic killer. In this case, the group is led by best friends Ben and Marcus who take a tour of a Louisiana swamp as a respite from their Mardi Gras celebrations. It turns out the swamp is the home of Victor Crowley, a monstrous killer whose origins are typical of slasher films. He was born with his unfortunate deformities and was kept hidden by his loving, but overprotective father. One Halloween night, however, drunken teenagers accidentally set fire to the Crowley’s cabin with fireworks. Victor’s father accidentally wounded his son with a hatchet in an attempt to break down the cabin door. The father died of a broken heart, and his son became a vengeful spirit, killing all who enter his swamp. Ben, Marcus, and the rest of the tour group are all grusesomely killed one-by-one in typical slasher fashion. I very much enjoyed the film’s classic plot, and its special effects are often terrific, even if a little over-the-top.

Reason #2. The film has a group dynamic typically found in slasher films.

Slasher films typically invest in the tensions between personalities and group dynamics. All of my favorite classic slashers have their token personalities, which often include the nerd, the prankster, the vixen, the good girl, the tough guy, and so forth. Even though it’s usually cheap and superficial, the chemistry and antagonism between these types are part of slasher film’s appeal. Likewise, part of the charm of Hatchet is the friendship between the dopey, lovesick Ben and his best friend Marcus, the fun-loving, wise-cracking party boy. They’re incredibly fun to watch. The group they tour the swamp with also consists of diverse characters, including bubble-headed amateur porn-stars, their sleazy director, a demure mid-western couple, the Asian tour guide who’s badly faking his Cajun accent, and the beautiful, but mysterious Marybeth, who, as it turns out, knows far more about the swamp and its killer than she’s letting on.

Reason #3. Freddy Krueger AND Candyman are in the film.

Well, at least the actors who made them famous are in the film. Robert Englund appears in the film’s opening sequence as Sampson, a redneck fisherman who becomes Victor Crowley’s first victim. His gruesome death sets the tone for the rest of the film. Tony Todd has a terrific cameo appearance as Reverend Zombie, a mysterious voodoo priest who, sadly, cannot take Ben and Marcus on a swamp tour because he was recently sued for negligence after someone on his last tour slipped and bumped his head.

Reason #4. Jason is in the film.

Jason’s not literally in the film, but he’s virtually in it, as Kane Hodder (from Friday the 13th parts 7-10) plays the part of Victor Crowley. And, I think Jason’s spirit is in the film as well. Victor’s bulbous head and stringy hair bears a striking resemblance to Jason in Part 2. Victor also wears similar overalls and even lives in a little cabin. Plus, the final sequence of the film takes place on a rowboat in the middle of a lake. In fact, if you were to mix together all the best slashers—from Jason to Leatherface to Cropsy—you’d pretty much end up with Victor Crowley.

So, Hatchet has a lot going for it, and it’s a good film for all of the reasons I just mentioned. Still, even though it has almost all of the necessary ingredients, the most important one is missing — this film lacks the tone of a slasher film. It’s missing the unsettling realism and nervous tension of the films we remember from the early 80s and has replaced it with camp and wit. While the film attempts to elicit many emotions during its 84 minute running time, fear is never one of them. And if fear isn’t a necessary ingredient to the slasher film formula, I’m not sure what is. Of course, slasher films can be sardonic, in the way that Slumber Party Massacre is a tongue-in-cheek look at the male sex-drive. But that film creeps me out in a way that Hatchet never really did. Sure, there’s plenty of gore, but nothing that leaves you feeling unsettled in the way, say, the closet scene in the original Halloween does.

It’s as if Hatchet tries to please and wink to its audience a little too much, without ever risking anything truly subversive or creepy. For instance, I love the scene in which Marcus climbs up a tree and refuses to come down. When his friends tell him to at least tell them what he can see from his vantage, he tells them “I can see ain’t no dead elephant man coming to get me.” It’s a funny, clever line, but I don’t think an authentic slasher film would always go for such humor at the expense of genuine horror. Nor do I think an authentic slasher would invite its audience to “make Victor Crowley proud” by becoming part of the “Hatchet Army,” complete with T-shirts and merchandise as a way to promote the film’s release. The Prowler or Black Christmas couldn’t have possibly been marketed in that way. It would have been obscene. I know that all films are commercial ventures, but I still think real slasher films originate from the darker, stranger fringes of our culture where you probably wouldn’t want to buy a souvenir t-shirt even if you could. In our age of viral networking, perpetual news cycles, and ubiquitous commodification, maybe those places are becoming harder to find. And maybe the true slasher film genre that Hatchet wanted to revive was the product of a bygone era that can’t really be recaptured.

Related posts:

1. Harper’s Island – The first slasher film television series?
2. The Last Horror Film and Shuttle
3. Welcome
4. My Bloody Valentine 3D
5. Welcome to Evil On Two Legs

Happy Halloween! In celebration of today’s costume-filled holiday, we continue our look into the fashion sense of horror film characters with an examination of the residents of Haddonfield, IL from John Carpenter’s 1978 classic, Halloween. As with our previous posts, we’ve invited A GIRL to assist us in our sartorial analysis.

Jon: Back in the 80s, my little cousin had a “My Buddy” doll that looked just like this guy – right down to its striped shirt, creepy smile, and bug-eyed expression. Corey: While many have assumed Judith and this young man just had sex during this scene, I have an alternate interpretation of their interaction. Taking into consideration Judith’s toplessness when Michael finds her and the speed with which this man exits while pulling on his shirt, I’m pretty sure this guy is simply a clothing burglar who just stole her shirt. A GIRL: Homemade costumes can be creative and whimsical, or they can be ambiguous and drab. The reader may decide which category Crocheted Potholder belongs.

Corey: I can has burt-day cake? Jon: I know he’s going to grow up to be the Shape, but that fluffy, intricate lace around his neck doesn’t say “I’m evil on two legs” as much as it says “I’m Little Lord Fauntleroy.” A GIRL: Long before Steven King introduced us to Pennywise, little Mikey Myers knew instinctively that clowns are scary and evil. He has wisely chosen to add the correct wickedly sharp accessory to his costume to accentuate this fact. (Note that a cleaver can be substituted if all the knives are dirty and/or imbedded in someone’s chest cavity.)

Jon: Shake it to the LEFT, shake it to the right. Come on baby, you know what I like. Shake it real funky, shake it real low. Shake it ’til you can’t shake it no mo’. Corey: And here comes Loomis around the corner… he’s pulling ahead of the hospital administrator… Oh, he’s cut him off and slammed him into the guard rail! The administrator is careening out of control and has burst into flames! A GIRL: Fashion missteps can negatively impact interactions among even the most serious-minded professionals. Here, a very properly attired hospital administrator feels the need to distance himself from Dr. Loomis, who is attempting, yet so sadly failing, to get down with the brown (polyester).

Corey: From the “No One Will Be Surprised When You Come Out Of The Closet Your Senior Year” line of Halloween costumes. Jon: Meet the first mate of the good ship lollipop. A GIRL: Help! I’m being attacked by an inexplicable Halloween decoration of some sort!

Jon: For the life of me, I can’t remember what the girl in the middle is saying, but in my mind she’s saying “Oh no you DIDN’T, Michael.” Corey: I’ve always been told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Apparently Laurie has aspirations of being a 60 year old librarian, Lynda envisions a future as a leprechaun and Annie wants to be a man. A GIRL: These ladies are all suffering from a severe attack of 70s hair. It seems all that silly ozone we used to have really brought on the frizzies. Good thing we got rid of it.

Corey: Not many shoes come with warning labels, but I’m certain these are the only shoes that come with one that contains the word “vertigo.” Jon: Those boots were made for walkin’, stompin’, and feelin’ sassy. But, sadly, not for runnin’ away from slashers. A GIRL: What young girl doesn’t have fond memories of her first pair of stripper shoes? Of course, back in the 70s it was hard to come by the preferred style of flashing lights embedded in polymers, so Lynda gamely makes do with some raffia and a heartfelt butt waggle.

Jon: Ok, I know this is a post about the fashion of clothing, but I’m going to diverge and ponder the wisdom of designing curtains that only cover the bottom half of a window. Corey: And I question the utility of nailing your hat to the wall. A GIRL: From the Laura Ashley “Domestic Despair” collection, this soul-crushingly mundane outfit comes in Baleful Brown or Gloomy Green (pictured). Matching Depression Compression tights not included.

Corey: And so began the short-lived 1970s trend of squash, pumpkins and gourds as fashion accessories. A GIRL: Here Laurie makes the common mistake of choosing an accessory which is disproportionate to the rest of her outfit. A small squash or melon would be much more appropriate than this distractingly sized pumpkin, which would be better paired with a full skirt. Good try with the bold color choice, though. Jon: The pumpkin, pocketbook, and cardigan she holds in her arms are all domestic items that symbolize Laurie’s role as caretaker. She’s having trouble carrying all that stuff because she’s finding her role to be increasingly difficult. Earlier versions of this sequence weren’t as subtle, as she was also holding a pot roast, a rolling pin, a telephone, and a Chihuahua.

Jon: I guess you simply HAVE to take confident, man-sized strides if you’re gonna pull off wearing nothing more than yellow stockings and a giant white shirt. Corey: This scene had women across the country foregoing pants for yellow knee-high socks and afghans. A GIRL: The proper use of tube socks can add a lot of versatility to an otherwise limited ensemble. Normally one would feel vulnerable roaming the streets in just an oversized shirt, but just add long bright yellow socks, and presto! The wearer is warm and snug and no longer overexposed.

Jon: Dr. Loomis is as beige as a baked potato. But the expression on his face says that he’s just done something very randy indeed. Corey: When I look at Loomis here, this is what I think of. A GIRL: Dr. Loomis dons a rumpled overcoat to create a somewhat unconvincing Columbo costume. The overall effect would be improved by adding a disheveled toupee and adopting a pose of befuddled inquiry.

A GIRL: This is what happens when someone not very clever tries to come up with a clever costume. The Ghost of Woody Allen was a difficult concept to actualize, and sadly everyone thinks this is Ghost of Buddy Holly. This is understandable and should have been foreseen, since although Woody’s career may be dead, the man himself is apparently not. Jon: NOTHING is scarier than a ghost with giant googly eyes. Corey: While crude, this may be the first outfit we’ve looked at that was created by the character themself. The implication of this outfit is that after killing Bob downstairs, Michael found some scissors, went to the linen closet and found a sheet and then cut out tiny eye holes. I’ve never understood why Michael would go to all this trouble, but maybe they had some Home-Ec classes at Smith’s Grove Sanitarium and he was feeling domestic.

Jon: Michael’s down for the count now, but he’s still got a little Captain in him. Corey: With several pockets capable of holding all your knives, rope, breath mints and asthma medication, Michael’s Parisian jumpsuit is both trendy and functional. A GIRL: Michael demonstrates the versatility of the workman’s coverall. Everyone knows they allow excellent range of motion during killing rampages, but here we see that they are also very comfortable when donned for a little dirt nap.

Related posts:

1. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 1
2. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 2
3. The Fashion of Horror Villains
4. The Fashion & Aesthetics of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
5. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway

My name is Russ Thorn. You probably know me as the driller killer from Slumber Party Massacre, but lesser known are my many, many works of poetic literature, including Taladro Bella, my collection of Petrarchan love sonnets. Petrarch liked to compare love with warfare and affliction, and he dedicated all of his sonnets to Laura, the object of his unrequited love. Petrarch knew that while noble, love isn’t for the faint of heart. My sonnets are dedicated to Trish, the beautiful slumber party hostess. It takes a lot of love to write something like this. You know you want it. You’ll love it. Yes…

Sonnet #929, by Russ Thorn (for Trish)

I thought of you, my dear, after today’s horoscope:
“Your power with the opposite sex will get you ahead.”
This is wonderful, because I love your pretty head.
So this is the day, the hour, the moment when my hope
in love will be found, as if seen through the scope
of a high-powered rifle. I see your friends asleep in bed.
But you’re the prettiest by far, so I choose you instead.
Now my heart, my darling, is racing, as if down a slope.
Think of me as your love burglar. I’ll enter your heart,
as if it were a low-rent apartment. With my steel-tipped quill
I’ll write my poems across your skull. It takes lots of skill
to love this well. Even while flowers are ripped apart
by clippers, they know they want it. Affection can sometimes kill.
Any man can make love to you, but only I can do it with a drill.

Related posts:

1. Villanelle Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part Two
2. The Fashion & Aesthetics of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

one of the better horror blogs out there seems to be based on this simple idea. while covering many aspects of horror, kindertrauma seems primarily aimed at covering those aspects of film and television that scared you as a child. whether intentionally frightening (like sleestaks) or not (like slim goodbody), kindertrauma covers everything that made you into the horror fan you are.

with that idea in mind, i thought i’d list some of my own childhood experiences that contributed to my current love of the horror genre. (note: animated gifs may take a moment to load.)

halloween: closet scene

halloween scared the ever-living shit out of me. i was so scared that night, i couldn’t eat, sleep or walk straight. watching the film now for the umpteenth, it’s sometimes hard to appreciate the effect the film can have on its initial viewing. when i was seven, every second of that film was terrifying. even the seemingly benign scenes like the girls chatting after class held a since of dread, since you never knew when that haunting bit of music would start up, alerting you to the shape’s presence.

after laurie first “killed” michael, i was so relieved. i didn’t think i could take much more of michael leaping out of the shadows, and a sense of calm washed over me. little did i know that the single scariest moment in my movie-watching life was about to take place… i hid behind the sofa when michael appeared at the top of the stairs, not as dead as i’d hoped, and laurie ran for the bedroom. she leaves a window open and locks herself in the closet. michael’s no dummy though and doesn’t fall for her clever ruse, and begins pulling on the closet door handles. i wish i had a video tape of myself watching this scene for the first time… as best i can recall, i was crouched behind the sofa, peeking over the edge… all the while sort of bouncing up and down and yelling “oh my god! oh my god!” as michael crashed through the closet door, knocking the single light bulb swinging, i’m certain i screamed.

the sense of excitement and fear this film left me with in the hours, nights and years that followed is why halloween is still my favorite film and, at least partly, why i am a horror fan today.

bloody mary

whoever came up with this urban legend is a genius. this legend is so scary that you don’t even need to know the back story for it to work. when i was a kid i think there was some vague story about a woman named mary having her baby killed or something… it doesn’t matter. the only important part is that you’re supposed to go into a dark room alone with just a candle and say ‘bloody mary’ three times into a mirror which makes mary appear. i remember doing this with friends when i was seven or eight in our center bathroom (which had no windows) and being absolutely convinced that if i said it all three times, a woman covered in blood would be behind the shower curtain in the mirror’s reflection. i could only say her name twice before running out yelling.

the headless roommate

i recall reading daniel cohen’s “the headless roommate and other tales of terror” alone in bed, late one night while at the beach. i’d checked out the book from the school library, so it was a hardcover with no slip cover, leaving the book just a plain red with small white lettering… which somehow made it creepier. the book is basically just a collection of urban legends, many of which you’d already be familiar with (e.g., “the vanishing hitchhiker”). the story that stuck with me the most, however, is usually referred to as “the furry collar.” the gist of the story can be read here, but cohen’s version is much longer, better paced, and scarier. i remember that the room i was in while reading it was at the top of a long flight of stairs, just like in the story. what little sleep i got that night, i got with the lights on.

scary stories to tell in the dark

if you’re reading this site, then i’d bet good money you’re familiar with these books. and i doubt i need to remind you of the scariest part of these books… it wasn’t the stories (which were typically rather lame… e.g., “i’m the viper: i’m here to vipe the vindows”) — it was the pictures. the artist for these books somehow tapped directly into what nightmares look like and put it on paper. even twenty years later i could recall the four pictures that scared me the most… and it didn’t take me long to find them.

• giant skull monster
• eyeless girl
• winking corpse
• the thing

witchboard

while not a particularly scary movie, witchboard caught me at just the right time. i was spending the night alone for one of the first times and it was on hbo at midnight. i don’t recall exactly what in the movie hit me so hard, but i remember being utterly freaked out all night afterwards. i ran around the house, double-checking all the locks on the doors and windows and would jump at every floorboard creak. i watched the movie again recently, and i honestly can’t figure out how i could be so scared of a movie about a plank of wood that features a bubble-gum chewing, uber-1980s dressed psychic named zarabeth.

friday the 13th: the novel

this is a weird one for three reasons. for one, the film friday the 13th hadn’t scared me. two, while reading the book it was daylight at a friend’s birthday party. and three, the book isn’t particularly well written. regardless, somehow reading about the doomed counselors at crystal lake was somehow so much more frightening than watching. i distinctly remember annie’s (the cook) death scene, and its description from her point of view as the blood ran out her throat and everything faded to white. i was rattled for a while after reading that chapter… at least until my friend’s dad put rambo on the tv.

clowns

i don’t really understand why the circus keeps going with the whole ‘clown’ thing, since i don’t know anyone that likes them. clowns are scary, case closed. i don’t recall the moment i realized clowns were bad news, but i remember a couple contributing factors.

• my mom hated circuses. she was unnaturally terrified of popping balloons and avoided the circus when i was a kid… which clearly conveyed to me that something there was to be feared.
• octopussy. psycho, knife-wielding twin clowns open the film. ’nuff said.
• clive barker’s “dread.” one of my favorite barker short stories, it features a psychologist obsessed with the study of fear and an axe-wielding clown.
• it. tim curry. awesome.

jaws

jaws, being the sneaky little devil that it is, wasn’t content to just scare me once. like everyone else in the world, the film made me afraid of the ocean for… well, ever. the scene where the shark first surfaces in front of brody knocked me down into the seat cushions. however, it was years later that i read the book and was traumatized all over again. in particular, i remember the opening scene with the skinny-dipping girl. the book describes her feeling a slight tug from below, which she wasn’t very concerned about. she reaches down to see what it was, and feels the cleanly sliced stump where her foot should have been. that concept, of being in the black water and being cut so cleanly and quickly that you don’t even realize it, freaked me out so completely that i think of it every time i go near the beach to this day.

a lamb on elm st.

i don’t know why, but the scariest moment for me in a nightmare on elm street was during the opening credits when a lamb wanders by. while it may not sound like nightmare fuel, for some reason it got me. it’s so weirdly out of place and surreal, it strengthens the dream-like quality of the scene… and for some reason that bleating lamb in midst of the steam pipes and krueger’s laughing left me really disturbed. if tina’s immediate reaction to the shot of the lamb is any indication, this effect was intentional.

halloween: michael sits up

ending up where we began, halloween deserves another mention on this list. while michael crashing through the closet was the scariest moment in the film for me, the creepiest moment happens a few minutes later. michael is dead… again. unfamiliar with horror clichés at the time, i completely believed the killer was finally dead. then occurs the creepiest moment in film history… from over laurie’s shoulder, michael sits up and turns towards her. the action is so mechanical and unemotional, watching it still tingles my spine and heebies my jeebies to this day.

Related posts:

1. Films That Defined My Childhood
2. Halloween 2 Blu-Ray Giveaway
3. Beauty Product Horrors
4. The Hair of Halloween (2007)
5. More Horror on Blu-ray

behold the awesome power of advertising.

this teaser poster for the friday the 13th re-imagining/re-envisioning/remake/whatever completely changed my attitude towards the film. i went from “meh” to “omg-i-wish-i-owned-a-time-machine-and-could-send-myself-to-next-february” in about 0.05 sec. simple, stylish and elegant, it communicates everything you need to know about the film using a single image and a date. the poster implies a seriousness to the material that’s been missing from the series for far too long. in addition to the poster, i’ve read positive things about the footage shown at comic-con, so consider me converted — i’m now excited about this particular remake.

Related posts:

1. Friday the 13th (2009)
2. Friday the 13th Comics
3. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th
4. Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th (part 2)
5. Horror Community Highlights – November (Friday the) 13th, 2009

We continue our look into the fashion sense of the Friday the 13th series by focusing on the cast of characters presented in the aptly named Friday the 13th Part 2 (please see our first article for a look at the original film). Featuring one of the best dressed final girls of the series as well as Jason in the iconic “bag-head” costume, this should be a lot of fun.

Corey: Here we have Alice, the previous film’s final girl, relaxing at home. Add a puffy, stitched Santa Claus head with blinking eyes or a bunch of candy canes to that jumper and you have the perfect Christmas outfit. For an infant. Or, if you left it as-is, maybe a terrier. Jon: Her outfit does have a nauseatingly Christmas-green color, but I think she’s really going for the rustic pickle look, which she’s hoping will drive all the local farm boys at Camp Crystal Lake wild. Also, I think she secretly enjoys smelling her own armpit. A GIRL: Alice has thrown herself to her bed in tears because she can’t get her Christmas Cthulhu costume quite right. The not-found-in-nature shades of green are spot on, but she hasn’t quite found the optimal balance between festivity and dread.

Jon: “Nobody will sleep with me…wah wah wah wah. My hat’s too small for my head…wah wah wah wah. Jason’s out to get me…. wah wah wah wah. So I think I’ll just stay in this here bed. ‘Cause I got the blues. I got them old Camp Crystal Lake blues again.” Corey: I think he’s singing an unrequited love song to his hat that ends with a verse expressing a secret wish for some sleeves. A GIRL: This hat cries out to be paired with a tweedy, leather-elbowed jacket. This hat dreams of a day it will be jauntily worn to the fox hunt or the afternoon garden party. This hat is destined for sad, grey, sleeveless disappointment, accompanied by a lonesome harmonica tune.

Corey: I’m not sure I can explain why precisely, but Paul’s outfit and stance make me imagine the phrase “Oh, Snap!” said in a sassy tone. Also, that’s not a name on that jersey, that’s a shitty Scrabble hand. Jon: Friday the 13th Part 2 leaves us with so many unanswered questions. Why is Bo Duke holding that piece of paper? Why is Horshack in a wheelchair? Why are they both in this film? A GIRL: This guy has a big future in romance novel covers. I can only imagine that he is helping his pal prepare for a woodsy performance of Rear Window, since those are obviously script notes in his hand.

Corey: The Friday the 13th films always feature some familiar stereotypes (e.g., the unpopular clown, the slut, the virgin, etc.). But really? Paul is the best out-in-the-woods-rugged-but-handsome-Marlboro-man character the film could muster? I don’t care how many buttons he leaves undone or how many flannel shirts he owns, no outfit is going to stop him from tripping my gaydar. Jon: I agree. The ONLY thing preventing Paul from becoming Fred from Scooby Doo is an ascot. A GIRL: This is a good example of how the right clothing and accessories can really let a man express his personality and mood. The first outfit, with turtleneck and rolled up sleeves, says, ‘Let’s share a bottle of wine and then I will molest you,’ while a sportier look with a convertible accessory says, ‘Let’s go for a drive and then I will molest you.’

Corey: Jordache’s amazing new “Flat Polygon Crotch” jeans. There also seems to be an armpit theme in this film that had gone unnoticed by me until now. Jon: My god you’re right. There are really too few sleeves in this movie. It’s as if they’re all taking their fashion cues from Larry the Cable Guy. A GIRL: She is posed as if they are about to break out into a dance routine. The other dancers are waiting just out of view, ready to bounce in and show off their high waisted jeans and multicolored tank tops. They will surround the man, and through their interpetive movements convince him to exchange his homemade, impromptu sleeveless shirt for a genuine, possibly polyester one.

Corey: While not initially apparent to everyone, Terri is one of the more sympathetic characters in the film, what with her tragic background of poverty and everything. Here you can see that she’s forced to wear the same clothes from when she was a toddler. Jon: Who wears short shorts? SHE wears short shorts! A GIRL: When I was A little GIRL, I had a Barbie and her little sister Skipper, and many fabulous outfits for each. This look is similar to what happened when Barbie borrowed Skipper’s clothes.

Corey: With his dreamy eyes and Tom Cruise-esque smile, Scott is letting us know that nothing says “I’m a sophisticated GQ man” like a black satin shirt, perfectly styled hair and a slingshot for launching rocks at other people’s asses. Jon: I want to paint a pencil thin moustache on him, put him in a big Mariachi hat, and have him say: “Hello, beautiful. My name is Zorro. Women love me. Men fear the might of my slingshot.” A GIRL: I don’t quite understand what’s going on in this shot. Is he trying to accessorize with the plant, using it as a scarf or ascot, or is he merely trying to cover up an embarrassing trouser situation?

Corey: Ted is the aforementioned “clown” character in the film, but with a twist. For some reason he’s actually fairly popular amongst the rest of the counselors. This doesn’t excuse him from the fashion rules of the clown/prankster stereotype though, which disallow the wearing of anything that doesn’t cause a loss of dignity (e.g. those white socks pulled almost to knees and the fact that he’s wearing deer skins after Labor Day). Jon: This is like the before and after pictures of a nice suburban barbecue gone horribly awry after too many bottles of Zima. A GIRL: Here Ted is depicted on two of his many failed auditions to become the seventh member of the Village People. Badly Dressed Chef was truly a poor concept, but I hear that Cave Boy was almost accepted, until at the last moment sailors were chosen instead.

Jon: Somewhere in the middle of the film, Ted decided that he was too conspicuous dressed up in that bright yellow shirt and those little khaki shorts. So he decided to disguise himself as a giant metal penis. Corey: “Should I bring the steel or the copper hat to the beach in 90 degree weather?” A GIRL: Superheroes of the 80s really had a hard time with their costumes. Bullet Head Man has a great alter ego, for who could expect such power to be hidden behind a crisp cotton plaid? Foolishly, he blew all his money on some designer chinos, and could only afford an aluminum helmet and no matching boots.

Corey: You didn’t even know there was a black character in this movie, did you? Well, there he is, looking quite a bit like Willis from Diff’rent Strokes (Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum…). The reason you don’t remember him is certainly not because the costume designer didn’t try to draw attention to him through interesting shirt and suspender choices. Jon: Well, you have to remember that Robin Williams-style rainbow suspenders were actually in fashion in the wacky 80s, as were tennis wristbands. But they could have made it clearer that he’s an expendable, token character by at least giving him a red shirt. Also, it looks like he enjoys smelling his own armpit. A GIRL: This young man is training for a career as a professional Let’s Make a Deal contestant. His last minute Mork outfit was not enough to attract Monty Hall’s attention, but he’s bound to find out what’s behind door number one dressed as African Jimmy Buffet.

Corey: “No, I’m fairly certain my hot pink shirt and headband out-’80s your propped Izod collar and canvas belt.” Jon: Someday, anthropologists will look at the way people dressed in the 80s and conclude that EVERYONE back then had just finished either jazzercising or playing tennis. A GIRL: This scene is obviously a lover’s quarrel. She has long grown tired of struggling to get close to him, only to be rebuffed by a stiff flipped-up collar. He has finally noticed that her headband is part of a matching set, and the young man above is wearing the wristbands! He jumps to the logical conclusion, and protests of innocence will soon dissolve into tears. Later, the dog will take revenge for his mistress by chewing up the offending shirt and widdling on the no-iron trousers.

Corey: I see no problems with this outfit. Jon: I agree in the strongest possible terms. A GIRL: I am starting to think that this is not really a movie about Jason the deranged killer. It is really a story about Jason the deranged tailor, who, after failing to secure sponsorship for Spring Fashion Week, runs around cutting off any unnecesary piece of shirting, such as sleeves and midriffs.

Corey: Jason has certianly improved his fashion sense while living in the woods. Forsaking the “naked covered in seaweed and twigs” look, he’s chosen a beautiful pair of OshKosh B’Gosh overalls and a cotton pillowcase, which is a classic look that never goes out of style. Jon: I’ve never noticed that he actually has TWO eyeholes. I always thought there was just the one. The other eyehole is just very, very tiny and easily escapes notice. Or maybe he cut out a full-sized eyehole, and then later sewed it shut, which raises all kinds of questions about how domesticated that makes Jason. Either way, if you stare at this picture long enough, it starts to look like Jason is winking at us, which is actually kinda scary. But I can’t get over how small and soft his hands look. I mean, I’m not the most rugged guy in the world, but surely they could have found some dude with at least a little bit of dirt in his nails and a callous or two to play the part of a swampy, knife-wielding mutant. A GIRL: Here Jason has taken a common but useless approach to a bad hair day. Instead of a deep conditioning rinse and some texturizing pomade, he has applied an old potato sack.

Corey: For someone who was in a bikini in an earlier scene, Ginny is certainly wearing a lot of layers later in the evening. That said, this is excellent “running for your f’ing life” attire which you should always strive for when camping, just in case. Jon: I agree. Her outfit looks like it’s been stuffed with straw. And she looks much bigger than Jason here. She could have easily body slammed that little pipsqueak. A GIRL: This outfit makes a lot of sense once you realize Jason’s true motivation. Ginny has piled on layer after layer of shirts, in the hopes that no matter how many of her garments Jason attacks, she will still be fully shirted.

Jon: I don’t know what Jason did, exactly, to his mom’s sweater since the last movie, but those stains ain’t EVER coming out. Corey: Some hand-me-downs should just be politely accepted then discreetly thrown away. To Jon’s point, I shudder to think what he’s been doing with it the last few years. A GIRL: It is so important to store your treasured garments properly. A well made sweater can indeed last for generations. Unfortunately for the Voorhees collection, although peat moss does have amazing preservative properties, here we see why it is not recommended for use with antique knits.

Related posts:

1. The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 1
2. F13 Megapost – Jason Contest – Crystal Lake Webcam – New Logo
3. The Fashion of Haddonfield
4. The Fashion & Aesthetics of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
5. The Fashion of Horror Villains

Somethingawful.com used to run a fashion feature looking at clothes from old catalogs, websites and similar sources. Thinking back on that while re-watching the Friday the 13th series recently, it occurred to us that fashion is an integral, if often overlooked, aspect of the series and it deserves far more attention than it receives. To remedy this glaring oversight, we are proud to present the first part of a continuing series, “The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake.” Additionally, in an Eo2L first, since we’re looking at fashion we’ve invited a guest writer — A GIRL. As a female, A GIRL is imminently qualified to comment on fashion, being innately given all fashion knowledge at birth, just like Project Runway mentor, Tim Gunn.

Corey: In this rustic Hazzard County-esque setting, Marcie sports a lovely maternity smock while Ned gives Jimmy Buffet’s shirt collection a run for its money. Jon: While a bewildered Kevin Bacon gives up looking for his shirt buttons. A GIRL: Marcie has the right idea with a casual look for a rural outing, but the execution is poor. Her top hits at the widest part of her hips, while her jeans taper from the thigh, giving her the look not of a lithe, willowy, soon-to-be viciously murdered teen, but more that of a poorly rendered statue of a lesser fertility goddess.

Corey: In the picture above and the one on the far left, his arms are closely held at his sides making him kinda look like a jack-in-the-box that just popped out of that tree trunk. I have to admit though, he looks very GQ in that last photo, what with the gold chain, Tom Cruise crazy-smile and hip swagger goin’ on. Jon: You’ve got to give him credit for striking such a perfect Marlboro Man pose, but at the rate he’s losing those buttons, his shirt’s going to be at his ankles by the time we get to his death scene. A GIRL: I believe Kevin is using a deep v-neck to elongate his torso, and a gold chain to bring attention toward his face. GQ indeed.

Jon: It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow striped Cousteau bikini, that he wore for the first time today. Corey: I’ve always thought my crotch was missing something, and now I know what it is… yellow racing stripes. A GIRL: Kevin is missing a few small elements that would really bring this ensemble together, such as a shirt, pants, shoes, socks, and ideally a hat to tame that shrubbery of a hairdo.

Corey: I see no problems with this outfit. Jon: I agree in the strongest possible terms. A GIRL: This outfit really expresses the 80s time period. I can’t believe that neither Corey nor Jon noticed that she really should be wearing a thong to avoid that pesky VPL.

Jon: Is it just me, or does Mrs. Voorhees look like she ought to be whistling the Old Spice tune, or singing a sea shantie? Corey: I agree. Give her a corncob pipe and a yellow rain hat and she could be on a box of fish sticks. A GIRL: What a clever halloween costume Mrs. Voorhees has created. I would never have thought of dressing up as dryer lint.

Jon: Sloppy Joes, sloppy, sloppy Joes, yeah! Slop