evilontwolegs.com » Stuff I’ve Been Watching

Stuff I’ve Been Watching — Needs More Cowbell Edition

Corey — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 19:36:32 +0000

THE THING

THE THING is one of my favorite films, so i was understandably skeptical when i heard they were making a prequel and/or remake. i was anxious for more ‘thing,’ but it would be so easy for them to screw it up by trying to fix what was ‘wrong’ with the first film since it had such a disappointing theatrical release (yet eventually gathered quite the following on home video). i remember reading an interview with the director, stating his intention to be true to the original — but that’s what every director says to appease the existing fans, while not mentioning all the changes they’re having to make to try to have broader appeal. after seeing THE THING, i’m convinced of two things: 1) it’s confusing to name your prequel the same title as the film it is a prequel to and 2) the director was not lying about staying true to the original.

apart from possibly using cgi where it wasn’t necessary in a few places, there is very little to complain about in THE THING. don’t get me wrong — no aspect of john carpenter’s masterpiece is in danger of being eclipsed by this prequel (most notably in the special effects category), but i doubt making a better film than the original was their goal. it feels like they were trying to make a smart and frightening companion piece to the original that supplements it without contradicting or negating anything already established. if that is true, then they succeeded. everything we know from the original about the norwegian camp is seamlessly integrated into the prequel. many scenes are almost identical in tone and content to scenes from carpenter’s, but there are enough twists and differences that it always feels like a homage instead of a rehash. this may not end up joining the original as a true classic of the genre, but it’s certainly entertaining and well worth seeing.

as i was leaving the theater, happily surprised by how much i liked THE THING, i overheard a girl ask her boyfriend “that’s how it ends?!? what happens next?” i did not overhear his reply, but it’s my hope he’s a true horror fan and already owns the answer to her query on dvd and/or blu-ray.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

i was about to start this off with the phrase “despite not being as original as THE WALKING DEAD…”, but quickly realized that would be completely unfair. it’s true that AMERICAN HORROR STORY is not wildly original, as it borrows shamelessly from well-known genre classics and recent horror successes. however, despite being incredibly compelling, THE WALKING DEAD is an even worse offender, stealing unabashedly from only one coffer (george romero’s), while AMERICAN HORROR STORY at least has the decency to spread its thievery around, often sprinkling pilfered bits from john carpenter, stanley kubrick, and alfred hitchcock evenly about, often in the same episode.

most of the time, the show’s tendency to reference other horror films works, coming across not as laziness or plagiarism — but as a type of horror short-hand. in the most recent episode, the intentions of three home intruders is immediately communicated to the audience in a blink of an eye, not through lengthy exposition but by simply emulating the most famous shot from THE STRANGERS. earlier in the same episode during a flashback set in the 1960s, the familiar violin strings from the score of PSYCHO instantly place us in the correct decade and and convey the intentions of an uninvited guest.

the show’s opening credit may be a little too reminiscent of SE7EN’s famous credit sequence, but minor gripes aside, this is a show you should definitely be watching. i don’t know how long they can keep it up, but so far the haunted house story they are telling has kept me riveted and guessing at every turn, and is scarier, sexier and more unnerving than anything horror television has ever seen. similar to the maturity level seen in DEXTER and TRUE BLOOD, but lacking the lightheartedness and comedy those shows occasionally exhibit, AMERICAN HORROR STORY is a hard-edged series that shows a willingness to push the envelope and go to places that even recent horror feature films seem afraid to.

THE WALKING DEAD

along with everyone else in the world, this week i also watched the season premiere of THE WALKING DEAD. once we get to episodes that frank darabont had little to no input on, i’m afraid the show will take a nosedive, but if they can somehow maintain the quality shown in this first episode, then there will be nothing to worry about. you can already see the impact of the budget cuts in a few questionable cgi effects shots, but other than that, there is little to complain about in this season’s opener.

i will, however, complain about how amc is handling suddenly being in possession of an incredibly successful show. in addition to slashing the budget despite growing success and running off the man who created the damn thing, they also became the first company i know of to greedily double-dip the home video release of a show’s first season before the second season even aired.

behind-the-scenes drama aside, the show is fantastic. and it has also spawned one of the more brilliant parodies in recent memory, which you can see below.

THE WALKEN DEAD

Stuff I’ve Been Watching — The Power of Expectation Edition

Corey — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 16:00:25 +0000

and… we’re back.

while i’m sure we all appreciate the subjective nature of taste, as film connoisseurs i think we often take the stance that our critical opinions of films are based on the sum of some objective evaluation of various identifiable aspects of the filmmaking process and that we judge a film only on what is present on the screen. however, i recently watched two films that really drove home the idea that what i was expecting from a film before seeing it drastically influenced my opinion after viewing it.

YELLOW BRICK ROAD

for both of these films, i knew nothing about them other than what i learned from looking at the poster. and YELLOW BRICK ROAD has a really good poster. i don’t know what this girl is flipping out about, but this is fantastic marketing because it makes this film look like it might actually be scary. it’s reminiscent of THE RUINS, but i also got a definite 1970s TEXAS CHAINSAW / LAST HOUSE vibe from it and i was left with the impression that this film was going to be old-school-straight-for-the-balls-that-are-to-the-wall-and-inside-the-pants-that-are-being crapped-in terrifying. i didn’t know whether the threat would be trees, plants, hillbillies or the lollipop guild– and it didn’t matter. i was going to see this film.

and see it i did, but crap my pants i did not. the film starts out well enough, setting up a mystery where an entire town just one day started walking into the woods and died. unfortunately, from there it quickly falls apart, leaving every mystery as mysterious as it was in the first five minutes and padding the time between the opening and the completely unsatisfying climax with scene after scene of useless drivel, philosophical nonsense or, on the rare occasion, one containing a single creepy idea that has some genuine promise that might have been effectively used in another film… but not here. as YELLOW BRICK ROAD stumbled along, leaving a wavy, sporadic trail of crap in its wake like a sick dog, my opinion of the film dropped lower and lower until hitting pretty close to rock bottom as the credits rolled.

that said, when thinking about the film the next day, it occurred to me that a lot of the reason i reacted so negatively to it was because of the promises implicitly made in that poster. had i seen YELLOW BRICK ROAD cold, with no expectations of any kind, i actually think i would have had a much more positive reaction. would i have loved it? probably not. but my “arrrrgggghhhh” reaction of thinking it was probably a 1 out of 5 stars film might very well have been a more reasonable “meh” of 2 or 3 stars had i not been hoping/expecting to love it. we navigate and survive in this world by using incomplete information to make guesses and estimates about how other things in the world are or will be. “will that dog bite me?” “will that car turn left or right?” “will that red berry taste bad?” and yes, “does it seem like that movie will suck?” when the world does not line up with our internal assumptions, the larger that discrepancy is, i think the more powerful our emotional response is and the more we overcompensate by swinging in the opposite direction.

FORGET ME NOT

the poster for FORGET ME NOT is uninspired, to say the least. everything about it — the ‘row of heads’ layout, the constipated look on the actor’s faces, the crappy photoshop filter on the title, and even the title itself — they all scream “this is a ultra low budget, made-over-a-weekend piece of garbage with shitty film quality and shittier audio that you’ll turn off five minutes in.” well, believe it or not — it is none of those things.

FORGET ME NOT is actually a fairly competent dead teenager/ghost movie. it’s not going to win any major awards, but the writing is decent, the characters are interesting enough and the ghosts, while highly derivative of several famous j-horror offerings, are genuinely creepy at times. i’d probably give it 3.5 stars out of 5 and recommend it to any serious horror fans looking for something they might have overlooked. however, i’d suggest getting on dvd — at the time i tried to watch it on netflix instant, some of the sound channels were missing (evident in the initial party where everyone is dancing in the background and you can hear dialogue — but no music, which was not an interesting artistic choice as i first thought). although, perhaps netflix has fixed that issue by now.

similar to YELLOW BRICK ROAD though, i wonder what my feeling on this film would be had i seen it completely cold. am i giving it a 3.5 because of its inherent qualities or because its poster led me to believe it’d be a 1? is it possible i would have judged these films of roughly equal quality had i gone in to both of them with no expectations? maybe it wouldn’t have made a huge difference — it’s hard to say not having had that experience, but i have the feeling that my supposedly objective measurement of their quality as films would have been a lot closer had i not seen or formed such strong opinions based on those posters.

if you’re reading this and you haven’t seen these films, then i’ve just given you a very different set of expectations than i had going into them. i wonder how that will effect your judgement of the films, should you see them… if you want to let me know — leave a comment below.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)

Corey — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:15:24 +0000

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE)

i rarely get horror movie related questions at work, despite being known as “the horror guy.” the exception to that rule happened earlier this year when i was asked on no less than four occasions if i’d seen THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. usually the questions basically boiled down to “omg! i heard about this sick, depraved movie i can’t even imagine a normal person wanting to see called THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. have you seen it yet?” like everyone else, my interest was piqued by the film’s central concept because it is undeniably disgusting and bizarre, but also so instantly understandable that it’s oh-so-easy to describe to shocked friends and co-workers. the film itself is not nearly as shocking as it’s premise as most of the graphic details are left to the imagination. however, the core of the story still revolves around sewing people’s mouths to other people’s anuses — so it’d be difficult for the film to not be shocking, no matter how much restraint the director used. while not a great film, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is entertaining, well-acted and about as enjoyable as a film about pooping in other people’s mouths could be.

TRIANGLE

part re-telling of an ancient myth, part twisty time travel cluster-f, deciphering an exact linear explanation for everything in TRIANGLE would be a daunting task. in many ways though, piecing that together would be a waste of time… the film is more about appreciating the puzzle rather than solving it. at its core, TRIANGLE is about human subjectivity and the futility of trying to fight our own nature. while you may not be able to understand and even abhor the actions of a future you when seen from the outside, once you’re put in the same situation, you’ll inevitably make the same choice. we’re all stuck in a predictable pattern of behavior determined not by gods on high, fate or a clever screenwriter… but by our own graces and flaws, acting themselves out over and over again. smart, creepy and filled with plenty of “wtf?” moments, TRIANGLE is well worth searching out.

THE BOX

while THE BOX certainly features a box as a central plot point, a more accurate name for the film would be WACKINESS: THE MOTION PICTURE. i have little idea what happened in this film, but even less understanding of what it meant or why i should care. this film goes in so many bizarre directions and is so ultimately unsatisfying, that i’m utterly perplexed at how it ever got made. still, it’s a refreshing change from the scookie-cutter sci-fi trash we’re usually being spoon-fed, so i will at least give it props for trying something new.

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY

i’m a bigger jason fan-boy than freddy, but this documentary is easily superior on almost every level to the similarly structured HIS NAME WAS JASON doc released last year. slick, polished and comprehensive, this impressive documentary succeeded in both increasing my enjoyment of the ELM STREET series and reminding me of why i loved it in the first place.

TRANSYLMANIA

there are few films that are, to me, truly unwatchable — but this is one of them. after less than twenty minutes, my opinion of the film is probably a rather unfair critique because it is based on only 20% of the film, but holy hell did that 20% suck. unfunny to the point of being aggressively so, i felt had no choice but to order the TRANSYLMANIA disc to exit my player and march itself back into its netflix envelope. i was prepared to use force if necessary, but TRANSYLMANIA seemed to understand my reasoning and went quietly.

SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD

I admire romero for avoiding large studio productions and sticking to his independent roots. say what you want about his zombie films, but each is undeniably his own. DAY OF THE DEAD remains my favorite of the films, but it’s been a fairly steady decline since then, hitting a low point for the entire series with SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD. i’m not sure why romero thought the focus of the series should turn to two old guys arguing over whether zombies could be taught to eat farm animals, but that’s about all i got out of this film. i’ve seen positive reviews, some even calling it a return to form for the series, so maybe i’m in the minority here — but i found SURVIVAL completely unsatisfying. it’s not necessarily a bad film… but like DIARY before it, it just seems to lack any sense of joy or energy and seems content to just quietly sit and spin in a mess of shallow metaphors and uninspired social commentary.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)

Corey — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 01:38:43 +0000

in my best horror films of 2009 post, i specifically mentioned three films that i had yet to see that might very well have made the list. well, this weekend i finally got to see all three of those films. my thoughts are below, including how the films might have ranked in my ‘best of’ 2009 list.

the house of the devil

the house of the devil is a beautifully shot film that, true to the 1980s films it so carefully emulates, is a slow-burn tension builder with an explosive third act. everything about this film, such as the opening/closing credits, the film stock “look” and the inclusion of dated fashion statements like acid-washed jeans and handmade friendship bracelets are carefully crafted to make this film seem like it was made in the mid 1980s. the film’s promotion has even gone so far as to even include a vhs copy of the film in certain dvd bundles. despite a slow and suspenseful build-up in the first hour of the film, the pay-off in the film’s finale is disappointingly unsatisfying. while i detest over-explanation, there is such a thing as being too vague and just stubbornly refusing to answer important plot questions. add in that the film’s final reveal is a bit confusing and contradictory, and you’re left with a decent little thriller that, while it wouldn’t have made my ‘best of’ list for 2009, is still worth a look. it’s also worth noting that it also serves as a nice cautionary tale to would-be minions of the dark lord: if you’re a virgin-sacrificing demon-worshiper, you really should take up boating or something and learn to tie a damn knot.

pontypool

after hearing so many good things about pontypool, i was really looking forward to it. difficult to find for rental, i broke down and ordered a copy from amazon to satisfy my zombie-lust for what brad mchargue called the best horror film of 2009 and entertainment weekly named the 19th best zombie film of all time. i really wanted to like this film, and as the first third of film played out, like it i did. but then something happened. as the horror ramped up in the plot, it became clear that we were never actually going to witness the horror… we were only going to hear about it. the film takes place almost entirely within a radio station which, if handled really well, would be fine. however, the events being described by witnesses and news reports sound so much more interesting than what happens in this film’s single location with its three ridiculously undeveloped and unsympathetic characters.

you may have heard that this is ‘a thinking person’s’ zombie film. and, in many ways, that is true. the central concept of the film is a zombie-like virus that spreads to people not through bites and bodily fluid, but through language. metaphorically rich, the film uses this idea to comment liberally on politics, the nature of communication and pop culture, and as a reason to pose various philosophical hum-dingers. what it doesn’t do, though, is insert all these “messages” into an engaging, believable story with tense situations and sympathetic characters. by the end of the film, the characters are really little more than mouth-pieces for whatever philosophical or political satire the filmmakers wanted to push forward. at one point in the film, a doctor climbs through an open window (in a building the other characters had allegedly locked down due to the rampaging hordes outside) and immediately begins spouting exposition into the radio station’s microphone. it’s like the writer said “well, we need someone smart to explain all this linguistic/pseudo-science mumbo-jumbo, so let’s just have a scientist crawl through a window and start spouting explanations with no rational motivation for doing so — i’m sure no one will notice.”

don’t get me wrong — there are some good, original ideas in pontypool. mixing complicated linguistic, psychological, philosophical and political concepts, i’ve seen the film described as “what you’d get if noam chomsky made a zombie movie” (if that was my description, i might mention richard dawkins as well). throwing all of that into a zombie scenario is a brilliant concept, but, at least for me, it takes more than just an interesting idea to make a film compelling. with no character development, no scares, no tension and unbelievable dialogue and character motivations, the “message” of the film seems to be the only thing that the filmmakers care about and that makes the whole film come across as intellectualized art-school masturbation. If you’re that focused on putting forward your political and philosophical ideas, then maybe it’d be better to make a documentary, write a linguistics journal article or call in to a political talk-radio show than frame it in a horror film. oh, and the ‘epilogue’ the film shows after the credits made me want to microwave the dvd. and then jump up-and-down on it. and then throw it out into the snowmegeddon that was crushing washington, dc at the time.

i tried really, really hard to like pontypool, but just couldn’t manage to do it. however, you should take that opinion with a grain of salt, seeing as i seem to be in the minority on this one and i’m the guy who thinks jennifer’s body is the best horror film of 2009.

zombieland

call me an uneducated simpleton, but after being disappointed by pontypool, i put in zombieland and said to myself, “yeah, this is more f’ing like it.” from the opening credits i knew i was going to love zombieland… and that proved true all the way through, up to and including the brief after-credits zinger. perfect casting (thankfully they recast emma stone in the role previously slated for mila kunis), super-charged zombies, and a surprising amount of heart for a film so filled with action and laughs, zombieland would have easily made my “best of 2009″ list (likely right below drag me to hell). woody harrelson is hilarious as the bad-ass southern zombie slayer, and jesse eisenberg’s awkward, but oddly likable wuss complements him perfectly. my favorite part of the film, however, has to be the placement of the zombie “rules” within the zombieland world itself. what could have broken the fourth wall and pulled you out of the film turns out to be a primary source of the film’s humor and charm. highly recommended. want a sequel. now.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)

Corey — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 00:44:09 +0000

jennifer’s body
maybe it’s because megan fox was a part of the travesty that is transformers 2 or because i had no idea going in that the film was scribed by juno writer diablo cody, but i expected jennifer’s body to suck and suck hard. given such low expectations, it’s not a huge shock then that it surpassed them… but what was shocking was by how much. this is a damn good movie! a smart mixture of heathers, buffy the vampire slayer and the exorcist, jennifer’s body is a funny, bitingly satirical film revolving around the often unhealthy and parasitic nature of teen female friendships. while perhaps not oscar-worthy, megan fox turns in a surprisingly layered performance, deals very well with cody’s highly stylized dialogue and (as shown to the left) pulls off one hell of a creepy smile. not a perfect film, but highly recommended. just make sure to avoid the inferior theatrical version and watch the unrated director’s cut instead.

the butcher
referring to the snuff-film-within-a-gore-film in the butcher, a character says “i know we can sell it to the US. they’re always looking for something bloody.” and, you know… he’s right, because i was intrigued enough by the description of this low-budget korean hostel knock-off to cue it up on netflix watch instantly. and while there are a few unique disturbing images to be found in the butcher (a first-person view of a homosexual rape by a man wearing a pig’s head leaps to mind), all lose their impact due to poor setup of the situations, shoddy camera-work and the incessant and annoying babbling, squealing and whining of the main character. i have no doubt i would be reduced to a babbling wreck as well if kidnapped and tortured, but the primary victim in the butcher takes it to such ridiculous, comedic extremes that they should have just named the film a guy cries, yells, begs, spits and crawls around in the dirt for about an hour. the film seems to have few aspirations above qualifying for the label ‘torture porn’ and, in that, it does succeed. and while it may fit very squarely into that subgenre, it’s not a very noteworthy example of it.

wrong turn 3: left for dead
many seem to prefer the campiness and insanity of the sequel to the original film, but in my mind wrong turn 2 doesn’t hold a candle to wrong turn. while i will not deny the inherent awesome-ness in having henry rollins square off against a bunch of cannibal hillbillies in the second film, the original wrong turn had a terrifying atmosphere and vicious tone that the sequel lacked. wrong turn 3 follows in that trend, replacing style and scares with camp and over-the-top comic violence. the kills are entertaining enough, but both the script and characters (even the once-creepy cackling antagonist, “three-finger”) are dull and lifeless. wrong turn 3 didn’t bore me to tears, but left me wishing for something that more firmly built on the scares of the first film or was more successful at imitating the ridiculous antics of the second.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (documentary edition)

Corey — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 21:30:41 +0000

not quite hollywood: the wild, untold story of ozploitation!
currently available via netflix watch instantly, i watched not quite hollywood on a whim, knowing nothing about it and little about its subject matter (australian exploitation films of the 70s and 80s). having watched it twice now, i can’t believe i hadn’t heard of this documentary before. much like the 32nd street trailer compilations, this is a must-see for fans of horror and exploitation cinema. unlike those compilations though, this documentary is a highly polished and has an interesting story to tell as it traces the history and influence of australian exploitation films. interviews with directors like quentin tarantino, greg mclean, james wan and leigh whannell show the influence of “ozploitation” on modern classics like death proof, saw and wolf creek. go watch it. like, right f’ing now. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

hardware
i remember seeing hardware as a kid and really liking it but thinking “there’s something going on here i’m not old enough to understand.” almost twenty years later i can see what that was. there’s a surreal “i just graduated from art-school” style to many scenes in the film that didn’t resonate with my fifteen year old self. ironically, those aspects of the film don’t do much for my thirty-four year old self either as they make a relatively simple horror story occasionally come across as pompous and self-indulgent. i really should have seen this film in my early twenties when i was eating up ‘self-indulgent’ and ‘pompous’ like it was my job.

that said — i really liked hardware as a kid, and i really like it now. the story is both simple and unique. in an unspecified but decidedly crappy vision of the future, a scavenger brings home a piece of mechanical junk to his girlfriend for use in her sculptures. unfortunately for her and everyone she knows, the piece of junk turns out to be part of a murderous robot that rebuilds itself from pieces of surrounding junk and begins killing everyone it encounters. imagine a horror version of bladerunner with a healthy sprinkling of fallout 3 on top (right down to the over-the-top post-apocalyptic radio dj). the robot looks a little silly at times by today’s standards (and, given its low-budget, even by 1990 standards), but this is definitely a sci-fi/horror gem worth seeking out… if no other reason, to hear the ‘wibberly-wobberly’ song sung by the creepy/chubby/peeping-tom/stalker guy.

Oh we all walk the Wibberly-Wobberly walk.
And we all talk the Wibberly-Wobberly talk.
And all we all wear Wibberly-Wobberly ties.
And we look at all the pretty girls with Wibberly-Wobberly eyes.

spine tingler! the william castle story
spine tingler! is a documentary showcasing the life of famous horror film director/producer william castle. viewed as the poor-man’s alfred hitchcock, castle’s films are generally remembered for their gimmicks rather than their quality. for example, the house on haunted hill was filmed in “emergo” (an elaborate film process involving a rubber skeleton on a string that floated above the audience) and the tingler featured “percepto” (wherein castle famously rigged certain audience seats with electric buzzers). lovingly told from the perspective of family, friends and fans, spine tingler! is a fascinating look at both william castle’s life and his contribution to the horror genre.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)

Corey — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:32:34 +0000

paranormal activity
while the year is not yet over, i can easily state that paranormal activity will be on my top ten list for the year and has a damn good chance at the #1 slot. the hype surrounding it just keeps growing, but after seeing the film last week i have no problem saying that the hype is well-deserved. it’s not often that a film gets under my skin and continues creeping me out long after the credits have rolled… but paranormal activity did just that.

this film isn’t going to please everyone, especially those looking for an action/gore packed roller-coaster ride. this is a slow-burn, suspense-driven piece that may not work for those that quickly grow impatient with films of this sort (e.g., the blair witch project). further, paranormal activity really needs to be seen in a crowded theater to be fully enjoyed. the sense of dread and anticipation of each scare is palatable in the theater, and i just don’t see that working at home nearly as well unless you make sure you’re watching it with as few distractions as possible (i.e., turn out the lights, put away your iphone and give the film your full attention). still, i’m looking forward to the dvd release, not just because of the much-talked-about alternate endings, but because it may be a more comfortable experience when viewed from underneath the blanket i’ll undoubtedly need to be hiding under in order to watch it again.

saw vi
paranormal activity got thrown into the boxoffice ring with the reigning champ of late october horror films, the saw franchise. despite decent reviews, saw vi got pummelled its opening weekend… which makes this ridiculous poster for the film i saw at the theater rather ironic. however, despite the boxoffice beating that saw vi took to a film that cost less than a used hyundai to make, there was another shocker… saw vi is actually decent. i’ve always liked the saw series overall, but even i was about to jump ship after part 5. luckily they’ve steered the series back on course with part 6, creating a film heavy on political satire (think hostel meets michael moore’s sicko) and arguably as good as any of the previous sequels. oh, and you get to see tanedra, who won scream queens season one, overact quite a bit. so that’s fun too.

the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface
despite a spectacularly over-the-top performance from viggo “aragon” mortenson as a sexually conflicted cowboy (long before brokeback mountain made it cool), this is just not a very good movie. i really enjoy the platinum dunes remake, but for those that complain that michael bay ruined the this franchise… i point you towards the texas chainsaw massacre iii: leatherface (and the even worse texas chainsaw massacre: the next generation) as evidence that the series was already ruined.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (ghost house edition)

Corey — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:45:46 +0000

seventh moon
i kinda enjoyed seventh moon, but that may have a lot to do with its story hitting pretty close to home. it’s about a couple on their honeymoon in an exotic locale which turns against them. having just gotten back from my own honeymoon (which was my first trip out of the country), it wasn’t hard for me to identify with the main characters. the documentary visual style (very similar to that used in open water) further heightened the creepy factor. the first half of the film worked better for me than the last half because, once the threat is revealed (see the cover), i realized i’m just not all that scared of skinny, bald, pasty-white chinese guys. still, while i wouldn’t recommend it as highly as the children (the best of this year’s four ghost house film releases), i’d still suggest checking it out.

the thaw
the thaw really isn’t all that bad, but i would probably like it a lot more if it hadn’t stolen 90% of its story and ideas from the classic x-files episode “ice” (which, admittedly, stole many of its ideas from john carpenter’s the thing). the thing, “ice” and the thaw all revolve around a research team uncovering a parasite frozen for centuries that infects one or more of the team, leading to a panic and anger-filled game of “who’s infected and who’s not”, followed by a thrilling round of “should we leave here or quarantine ourselves for the betterment of the world.” the thaw throws in val kilmer, some gore and wraps it all up in a silly little eco-terrorism bow, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.

offspring
this is, by far, the worst of the four recent ghost house pictures offerings. based on a jack ketchum novel (which, i believe, is a sequel to a novel that hasn’t been filmed yet), the story revolves around a lighthouse keeper’s children who went native for some reason and started living in caves and wearing really cheesy tarzan outfits. occasionally they get hungry and wander away from their caves (situated along the new england/canadian border) to invade people’s homes and eat them. and steal their babies. a few insulting movie cliches get thrown in for good measure (the “so-evil-it’s-ridiculous” abusive ex-husband, the overweight alcoholic villain-obsessed ex-cop, etc.), but mainly the film is about a bunch of kids in flintstones costumes grunting and pulling out fake intestines from people’s tummies. despite what the boxart may tell you, it’s not compelling, it’s not frightening and it’s not controversial… it’s just silly.

clive barker’s book of blood
clive barker adaptations are usually hit-or-miss, but book of blood falls mostly into the ‘hit’ category. watching it “feels” more like reading barker’s prose than anything i’ve seen before, largely due to the bbc quality of the video and the undeniably british-ness of just about everything. the majority of the scares are of the amityville-esque paranormal researcher ‘haunted house’ variety, which may not satisfy hellraiser fans more accustomed to the ‘chains ripping people into a million pieces and giant penis demons’ variety of horror. that said, book of blood does feature one of the more grotesque facial removal scenes i’ve ever witnessed. ick! the climax of the film doesn’t really live up to the setup, but overall i quite liked book of blood.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)

Corey — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:24:05 +0000

home sick alone this weekend with my two schnauzers, i had a lot of time to watch horrors films — some good and some bad. as it turns out, sick or not, i usually watch a lot of horror films during the average week, so i thought i’d turn my obsessive viewing habits into a new recurring feature, which i’ve oh-so-cleverly titled “stuff i’ve been watching”…

the texas chainsaw massacre (2003)
platinum dunes gets an unfair shake from many hardcore horror fans, i think. i was a big fan of friday the 13th and the trailer for their upcoming elm street re-imagining also looks interesting, but it all started with 2003′s remake of the texas chainsaw massacre, my favorite of their releases thus far. director marcus nispel seems to have an odd fascination with teens journeying far from home in search of bushels of marijuana, given that both texas chainsaw (2003) and the new friday the 13th open with that setup, but that storyline works far better in 1970s texas than it does in modern-day crystal lake. this remake abandons the camp of the original series’ sequels, and instead focuses on being as vicious and brutal as the original film, a goal which it largely succeeds in reaching. oh, and kudos to platinum dunes for opening the film with narration voiced by john laroquette (just as in the original) which perfectly sets the tone of the film.

the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning
in what may be a first, the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning is technically a sequel which is a prequel to a remake. it actually makes sense though given that the remake had introduced us to a host of bizarre characters, the next logical step was to explain how these characters came to be. the plot line is basically the same (kids run afoul of leatherface’s family and hijinks ensue), but that’s fine because this film has the same gritty tone, mood and visual feel of the remake, which was its biggest asset. as in the first film, r. lee ermey steals the show, in many ways eclipsing leatherface himself as the series’ prime villain, which is no small feat. i think there was even less enthusiasm for this film than the first from horror fans at large, but i personally love them both.

the texas chainsaw massacre 2
two chainsaw films in, i decided to just go ahead and officially make it a southern perennial-unfriendly marathon by throwing in tcm part 2. now maybe it was the fact that i was mainlining nyquil at the time, but i’d completely forgotten how f’ing weird this film is. the whole thing feels like a comedic torture-porn directed by david lynch, which i can’t honestly say is necessarily a bad thing. it would be a bizarre dark comedy all on its own, but tcm 2 is just so different from the original film that i can’t imagine what audiences must have thought back in 1986. while it may lack the scares and visual style of the original, it more than makes up for it in blood-crazed whimsy, gore and wacky dialogue (e.g., “oh, my achin’ banana!”, “leatherface, you bitch! look what you did to my sonny bono wig!”, “dog will hunt!”, and “it’s like super-feedback. just put the underwoofer across the overflapper”).