given this extensive resume, had he chosen another profession other than ‘really, really incredibly complex death-trap designer,’ he surely would have succeeded. personally, after listening to his various recorded messages left for victims which are often delivered in beautiful and flowery prose, i think john “jigsaw” kramer may have missed his calling as… (wait for it)… a greeting card writer.

sure, maybe he would have made more money as an architect, locksmith or interior decorator… but i really think this is a profession where he could have really excelled. below are a few examples (using dialogue from the first film) of what it might have looked like, had he followed this career advice.

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jennifer’s body
maybe it’s because megan fox was a part of the travesty that is transformers 2 or because i had no idea going in that the film was scribed by juno writer diablo cody, but i expected jennifer’s body to suck and suck hard. given such low expectations, it’s not a huge shock then that it surpassed them… but what was shocking was by how much. this is a damn good movie! a smart mixture of heathers, buffy the vampire slayer and the exorcist, jennifer’s body is a funny, bitingly satirical film revolving around the often unhealthy and parasitic nature of teen female friendships. while perhaps not oscar-worthy, megan fox turns in a surprisingly layered performance, deals very well with cody’s highly stylized dialogue and (as shown to the left) pulls off one hell of a creepy smile. not a perfect film, but highly recommended. just make sure to avoid the inferior theatrical version and watch the unrated director’s cut instead.

the butcher
referring to the snuff-film-within-a-gore-film in the butcher, a character says “i know we can sell it to the US. they’re always looking for something bloody.” and, you know… he’s right, because i was intrigued enough by the description of this low-budget korean hostel knock-off to cue it up on netflix watch instantly. and while there are a few unique disturbing images to be found in the butcher (a first-person view of a homosexual rape by a man wearing a pig’s head leaps to mind), all lose their impact due to poor setup of the situations, shoddy camera-work and the incessant and annoying babbling, squealing and whining of the main character. i have no doubt i would be reduced to a babbling wreck as well if kidnapped and tortured, but the primary victim in the butcher takes it to such ridiculous, comedic extremes that they should have just named the film a guy cries, yells, begs, spits and crawls around in the dirt for about an hour. the film seems to have few aspirations above qualifying for the label ‘torture porn’ and, in that, it does succeed. and while it may fit very squarely into that subgenre, it’s not a very noteworthy example of it.

wrong turn 3: left for dead
many seem to prefer the campiness and insanity of the sequel to the original film, but in my mind wrong turn 2 doesn’t hold a candle to wrong turn. while i will not deny the inherent awesome-ness in having henry rollins square off against a bunch of cannibal hillbillies in the second film, the original wrong turn had a terrifying atmosphere and vicious tone that the sequel lacked. wrong turn 3 follows in that trend, replacing style and scares with camp and over-the-top comic violence. the kills are entertaining enough, but both the script and characters (even the once-creepy cackling antagonist, “three-finger”) are dull and lifeless. wrong turn 3 didn’t bore me to tears, but left me wishing for something that more firmly built on the scares of the first film or was more successful at imitating the ridiculous antics of the second.

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the texas chainsaw massacre (2003)
platinum dunes gets an unfair shake from many hardcore horror fans, i think. i was a big fan of friday the 13th and the trailer for their upcoming elm street re-imagining also looks interesting, but it all started with 2003′s remake of the texas chainsaw massacre, my favorite of their releases thus far. director marcus nispel seems to have an odd fascination with teens journeying far from home in search of bushels of marijuana, given that both texas chainsaw (2003) and the new friday the 13th open with that setup, but that storyline works far better in 1970s texas than it does in modern-day crystal lake. this remake abandons the camp of the original series’ sequels, and instead focuses on being as vicious and brutal as the original film, a goal which it largely succeeds in reaching. oh, and kudos to platinum dunes for opening the film with narration voiced by john laroquette (just as in the original) which perfectly sets the tone of the film.

the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning
in what may be a first, the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning is technically a sequel which is a prequel to a remake. it actually makes sense though given that the remake had introduced us to a host of bizarre characters, the next logical step was to explain how these characters came to be. the plot line is basically the same (kids run afoul of leatherface’s family and hijinks ensue), but that’s fine because this film has the same gritty tone, mood and visual feel of the remake, which was its biggest asset. as in the first film, r. lee ermey steals the show, in many ways eclipsing leatherface himself as the series’ prime villain, which is no small feat. i think there was even less enthusiasm for this film than the first from horror fans at large, but i personally love them both.

the texas chainsaw massacre 2
two chainsaw films in, i decided to just go ahead and officially make it a southern perennial-unfriendly marathon by throwing in tcm part 2. now maybe it was the fact that i was mainlining nyquil at the time, but i’d completely forgotten how f’ing weird this film is. the whole thing feels like a comedic torture-porn directed by david lynch, which i can’t honestly say is necessarily a bad thing. it would be a bizarre dark comedy all on its own, but tcm 2 is just so different from the original film that i can’t imagine what audiences must have thought back in 1986. while it may lack the scares and visual style of the original, it more than makes up for it in blood-crazed whimsy, gore and wacky dialogue (e.g., “oh, my achin’ banana!”, “leatherface, you bitch! look what you did to my sonny bono wig!”, “dog will hunt!”, and “it’s like super-feedback. just put the underwoofer across the overflapper”).

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i couldn’t find any that just had the bloodhound and the company name, so i decided to just go and make it myself. the finished logo is hardly a huge accomplishment in graphical design, but simple is what i was going for. if anyone else happened to want such a shirt, i’ve added a few variations of it to my zazzle store.

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in truth, those behind the films we see, even those of graphic horror films, usually have the audience’s best interests at heart. they want you to enjoy their movie. like the creators of a rollercoaster, horror directors may want to make a scary ride… but not one so scary that it actually injures or traumatizes.

but what if this were not true? what if a horror filmmaker set out to make a film not to entertain, but simply to disturb or harm? a film that didn’t just push the envelope of the acceptable, but blatantly crossed the line? over the last few weeks jon and i have watched dozens of ‘extreme’ horror films in an effort to put together a list of films that we believe attempt to do just that. you will find part one of that list, and our brief impressions of each film, below.

now, what one person finds disturbing another might not. for example, you might find evil dead 2 to be a riotous comedy, while your grandparents would probably be a bit freaked out by it. these are not those kind of films. while it’s arguable that they were created to entertain on some level, there isn’t a film on this list that won’t disturb you in some way. these are films so f’d up that if you did decide to show one to your grandparents, they wouldn’t just be freaked out — they might tie you to a chair and call the police. consider yourself warned.

stay tuned for part two of this post when our list concludes with beautiful psychopaths, peckish cannibals and the oddly titled german gore-fest dard divorce. same bat-time. same bat-channel.

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Prawn of the Dead
directed by Larry Blamire

Tagline: The deadliest catch just got deadlier.

Plot: In the summer of 2005, the crew of Louisiana shrimp boat Laffitte Morte unleash a briny hell in the gulf when they discover a new species of anthropods living off the toxic waste of a sunken trash barge. Lance Henriksen stars as Bernard, the ship’s stalwart captain who must convince his inexperienced crew, including his little brother Jimmy, his stowaway daughter Sue, the greenhorn Edmond, and the mysterious Cajun cook Mr. Savoi, to risk life and livelihood to stop the mutant shrimp invasion before it can reach the unsuspecting fishing town of Port Petite.

Most Controversial Scene: While some may find the sea-monster sex scene merely gratuitous, Blamire treats it with the utmost sensitivity and proves even the goriest of monster-movies can be directed with a flair for the romantic if handled correctly.

Bikini Girls with Machine Guns
directed by Quentin Tarantino

Tagline: Hell hath no fury like a woman armed!

Plot: Director Quentin Tarantino returns to the screen with another grindhouse thriller. When a gang of vicious inmates from Raleigh, North Carolina make a daring escape from the Women’s Correctional Facility, they soon terrorize the small, southern town of Zebulon. Sherrif Jacob Richard is the only man with guts enough to stand up to this Dixie stampede of blood, booze, and blonde fury. After his friends and deputies abandon him, Jacob soon finds himself alone in a desperate, “high-noon” showdown with the gang’s beautiful but psychotic leader, Titania Santanna. The film stars Josh Brolin as Sherrif Jacob, and Cynthia Rothrock as Titania. The film aslo features an original soundtrack by The Kills, The Cramps, and Donita Sparks of L7.

Most Memorable Quote: “Don’t let their bikinis fool you. I’m telling you these women are concealing enough guns to blow this town to Hell and back and then back to Hell again!” — Sherrif Jacob Richard

The Book of Job
directed by Eli Roth

Tagline: And on the 8th day, God created horror.

Plot: Job is the most pious man in the world. But God and the Devil have a bitter argument over whether his virtue is truly sincere or simply the product of his good fortune and prosperity. To prove the Devil wrong, God allows the Devil to torture Job by destroying his house, killing all of his children, and mutilating his flesh. Through all of it, God wagers that Job will stay faithful and obedient. Eli Roth directs this horrific morality tale that stars Russel Crowe as a brawling, barrel-chested Job, Gilbert Gottfried as the loud, funny-looking Devil, and Samuel L. Jackson as the foul-mouthed and wildly unpredictable God of the old testament.

Goriest Moments: In an early scene, Job is tied to a large stone slab as the Devil slices the flesh from his upper right thigh with a large, rusty scythe while his terrified wife watches in horror from behind a nearby bush. In a later scene, the Devil savagely rips each festering boil from Job’s skin with a dull shard of glass as they wrestle in a large cauldron of oil and vinegar. In a deleted scene available only in the unrated DVD version of the film, God gets angry when it looks like he might lose the wager and dismembers the Devil’s tail by pinning it to a tree with a fork and then hacking it with his ceremonial golden axe.

Blue Velvet 2
directed by David Lynch

Tagline: She wore bluer velvet.

Plot: In the follow-up to Lynch’s controversial masterpiece, Dean Stockwell reprises his role as Ben, who is now reformed and the proprietor of the recently re-opened Slow Club. But Ben’s world turns upside down when a mysterious man in a lime-green cowboy hat presents him with a bag of toenail clippings. To make matters worse, Ben learns that his new lounge singer, Elizabeth, turns out to be the little sister of Dorothy, the woman he once terrorized. Elizabeth does not seem to know about Ben’s violent past, but her onstage behavior becomes increasingly erratic as she insists on only singing Jonathan Coulton’s “Blue Sunny Day.” Ben begins to question his own sanity and whether he can escape his past and finally find redemption.

Questions: Fans of this film have been asking about the significance of the singing garden gnome, as well as the blood-soaked paisley tie worn by Ben’s twin brother and the moss-covered tie worn by Frank in the dream sequence. In response to these questions, Lynch set the record straight in a recent tweet in which he said that all questions will soon be “harmonized in an automatic manner in the vision of all the people” and that you can always “know that, by knowing which, all things are known.”

Baudelaire’s Flowers of Evil
directed by Pascal Laugier

Tagline: His name rhymes with “scare.”

Plot: Fans of classic literature and torture porn can now be united in Laugier’s riveting adaptation of the French work that inspired the modernist movement in poetry. The film features an ensemble cast of international stars, including Mathieu Almaric as the ancient, binge-drinking “Le Vampire,” Christina Aguilera as the defiantly diseased and disgusting “Red-haired Beggar Girl,” Gary Oldman as the mysterious and seductive “Dancing Serpent,” and members of the Rolling Stones as “The Seven Old Men.”

From the DVD director’s commentary: “Benoit Lestang did all the brilliant special effects you’re seeing, and I should actually give him partial credit in prompting me to make this film. He fell asleep one day during the filming of Martyrs and he neglected to take the makeup off the actress. Her skin developed a pretty bad rash, and she had a terrible time driving to her hotel, because all this gooey stuff kept melting into her eyes. So the next day, he brought her flowers. They were so beautiful. But, in a way, they were also evil flowers, because, you see, he did a very bad thing in making her wear all that uncomfortable makeup. So I was thinking… flowers… evil… BAUDELAIRE! And voila! I knew I had to eventually make this film.”

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Hitchcock once said, with his always wry sense of humor, that Psycho helped put murder back in the family, where it belongs. I’ve always taken this to mean that we don’t have to look further than our own backyard, or even our own skins, to find all the horror we can stomach. By this same logic, Susan Monford’s While She Was Out puts horror back in the American suburbia where, the film suggests, it’s been festering for a very long time. Just about every frame in the first half of the film reminds us that what we’re witnessing are the consequences of suburban expansion. Kim Basinger plays the role of Della, a battered and beleaguered housewife who lives in an expensive, but disheveled modern home in a prosperous gated community with her two kids and an over-worked, A-type alcoholic for a husband. Her only respite from all of this is a quick trip for wrapping paper to the sprawling, crowded shopping mall, where she can’t even find a place to park her giant SUV. And as if the parking situation weren’t bad enough, once inside Della also has to contend with obnoxious Stepford-wife suburbanites bragging about their husbands’ promotions that have paid for their swimming pools, large lawns, and salon-styled hair.

The message of the film is clear enough even after these first few scenes: the civility and trappings of suburban life is simply the pretense for something far more primitive and vicious lurking beneath it. But the film takes a turn towards the horrific when Della leaves the mall to be confronted by a vicious gang who attack her because she left them a note on their car chastising them for double parking. These particular hoodlums are, admittedly, a bit inexplicable in the way they’re so easily prompted to violence, as they seem to have no qualms over murdering a guard in well-lit parking lot, most likely covered by surveillance cameras. At this point, While She Was Out becomes far more allegorical than realistic. For instance, the gang is deliberately multi-ethnic, a parody of the globally-minded ethics of the United Colors of Benetton that Della might have been browsing inside the mall. They also parody the fear of those dangerous minorities and urban thugs that her gated community is so desperate to keep out. And I think it’s also deliberate that the gang’s leader, Chucky, is reminiscent of Krug from The Last House on the Left. In addition to their striking resemblance, both Chucky and Krug have no motivation other than being vicious and crazy.

The allegorical nature of this film is further reinforced by Della’s retreat into the dark confines of the forest beyond the illusory safety of her suburban bubble. She’s very much a “little red riding hood” alone in the woods with her own big bad wolf. But in this version of the fairy tale, her basket becomes a tool box, complete with a tire iron that she learns to wield in fairly gruesome fashion. The tool box is as deliberate as everything else in this film, particularly in the way it pays homage to slasher classics such as The Toolbox Murders, but especially the Slumber Party Massacre. Just as the girls in SPM band together to cut off the killer’s “drill,” Della uses her toolbox to turn the tables on her attackers. In doing so, she taps into hidden resources and reserves that enable her to embrace the wilder nature that’s been suppressed by her suburban confinement. Della’s no final girl. She’s a final woman, hear her roar!

This isn’t to say that there aren’t a few of problems with this film. There’s an odd scene in which the street-tough gang pour a 40 for their fallen while listening to Joy Division’s brooding, gothic classic “Day of the Lords.” I LOVE Joy Division, but it’s not the kind of music any self-respecting gangsta would ever listen to before a fight. Then again, these aren’t your ordinary street toughs, as Vingh taps into his inner-shaman and insists that Della has turned into an avenging spirit. And there are a few moments of painfully canned dialogue, as when Della delivers the lines “Where are you God” with enough melodrama and “ACTING!” to embarrass even SNL’s Master Thespian. Still, Basinger is terrific in just about every other scene. And the film’s final sequence is brilliant, in part because it’s punctuated so perfectly by Roxy Music’s ambiguous and creepy “In Every Dream There is a Heartache.” All in all, While She Was Out is a smart film with something very substantive to say about the way suburban culture might be damaging our better, and more primitive, natures.

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the last horror film
this week see’s the release of david winters’ 1982 film the last horror film (aka fanatic) on dvd. genre fans will immediately recognize joe spinell and caroline munro from their leading roles in maniac. this reunion is no coincidence as the last horror film is, in many ways, the spiritual sequel to that classic slasher. the success of maniac gave its producers the freedom to make another film, which they cleverly wrote to occur at the 1981 cannes’ film festival, not only putting the cast and crew right in the middle of cannes’, but also allowing them to stay in the best hotels free of charge. what results is a film whose “making of” story may be more interesting than the film itself, but luckily several interviews and a fantastic dvd commentary track ensure that you receive both.

fans of the disturbing nature and extreme violence of maniac may be let down by the last horror film. the tone of the film is far closer to that of an episode of murder, she wrote… than a classic slasher. you will not see any scalpings or exploding heads (or, angela lansbury, to be fair). however, if you were a fan of spinell’s portrayal of psychotic photographer frank, then you should be equally pleased by his scenery-chewing antics as filmmaker vinny durand. vinny is just as delusional as frank, believing himself to be the next great filmmaker and convinced that if he gets his favorite horror scream queen (munro) into his film, he’ll be an instant success. when attempts to convince her to be in his film fail, he begins following and filming her without her knowledge, slowly piecing his film together from the celluloid fragments he can steal of her daily life. i rather like that setup and the film has some surprises, but it never ventures into the subversive territory that maniac occupies. the film also features one of the oddest soundtracks i’ve ever heard. it sounds like the director just hit ‘shuffle’ on his ipod and let random chance choose the songs for each scene, as their appropriateness to the situation was obviously not the deciding criteria. this gives the whole film a surreal and playful quality that may or may not have been intended.

the real star of this dvd from troma entertainment is the commentary track featuring producer and best friend of joe spinell, luke walter. walter reminisces about his departed friend and the making of this film with humor, brutal honesty and a thick new york accent. rarely does a commentary track eclipse its subject, but this one does. other interesting special features including an interview with maniac director william lustig and the short film mr. robbie (aka maniac 2), starring spinell. while rather odd and tame if compared to maniac, the last horror film is a definite “must buy” for joe spinell fans and worth a look for any fan of early 80s horror.

Shuttle
magnolia pictures has been putting out several good horror films lately (e.g., let the right one in, the signal, etc.), and you can add shuttle to that list. shuttle is a great horror film and a great mystery, which is a rare combination. this a tightly written script about a group of people stepping onto an airport shuttle bus that is driven by — (wait for it…) — a murderous psychopath. despite the simple premise, the story ends up being rather complicated, although that isn’t immediately apparent. events occur early in the film that you immediately disregard because they seem unimportant, but they all come back later in surprising ways.

while this isn’t an artistic or highbrow tour de force like let the right one in, that shouldn’t discourage anyone from seeing it. shuttle is dark and gritty material told with style and talent and filtered through an exploitation lens. the filmmakers only goal seems to have been to create a slick thriller that will keep your attention and shock you in ways you didn’t expect and, if that’s so, those behind the creation of shuttle should consider it a complete success.

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P2
Anyone who’s a fan of Seinfeld knows the “Parking Garage” episode in which George, Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer spend the entire show wandering a parking garage looking for their lost car, while encountering unsympathetic strangers and a heartless security guard. More than any other episode, “The Parking Garage” perfectly embodies the absurd humor and peripatetic sense of postmodern alienation of this “show about nothing.” I can’t prove it, but I’ll wager that the writers of P2, Alexandre Aja and Grégory Levasseur, love that episode as well, and not just because P2 has the same setting. P2 also has a subversive sense of humor, largely due to the terrific performance of Wes Bentley as the psychotic parking attendant Thomas. He’s all the more terrifying because he loves Elvis (and does a pretty decent impersonation) and insists that he’s basically a good guy. Toward the end of the film, as his victim turns the tables on him, he sincerely complains that “you’re trying to get me fired!” This isn’t to say that P2 isn’t horrifying. Thomas is all the more unsettling because of his delusions, and he does a good job of traumatizing Angela, the unfortunate woman he’s been stalking and who’s trapped in his parking garage. She’s rendered barefoot, bare-chested, and bloodied, but she survives the ordeal and emerges from it with perhaps a new sense of strength and determination, all of which is symbolized at the end of the film by the way she hobbles her way out of the garage’s darkened tunnel toward the warm, bright light of the outside world. If all of this is a bit formulaic—and it certainly is—then it’s forgivable because it’s executed so perfectly well. As Rolling Stone critic Peter Travers is fond of saying, “if you don’t know where this movie will go, then you’ve never seen a movie.” Even so, P2 is thoroughly enjoyable from beginning to end.

Martyrs
If you’re reading this blog, then there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve seen Martyrs and that you have strong opinions about it. It’s one of those rare films that has galvanized the horror community into camps. However, I think the one thing that’s beyond dispute is that this is NOT a formulaic film. What begins as a straightforward (and really terrific) torture/revenge story about the psychology of survival transforms into something else entirely. The film’s odd trajectory might not work for everyone, but I think it’s an interesting attempt to take “torture porn” into new terrain, or to underscore one of the underlying themes of the genre. Martyrs is an attempt to illustrate that something horrifying, grotesque, and also strangely sublime happens when we’re traumatized beyond our breaking point. As Hunter S. Thompson put it (and as Warren Zevon sang it), “you’re a whole different person when you’re scared.” Ironically, in exploring this new terrain, director Pascal Laugier borrows extensively from the theme and iconography of Carl Dreyer’s landmark 1928 film La Passion de Jeanne d’Arc. In order to more faithfully narrate the trial and execution of the famous French martyr, Dreyer developed new camera techniques to meticulously document the nuanced suffering and spiritual transformation as expressed by the actor’s face. Dreyer’s film is a haunting, fearless, and brilliant study of the politics and psychology of human suffering and spiritual transformation. Even though Martyrs never flinches from its treatment of pain and torment, it doesn’t quite capture Dreyer’s esoteric sense of his subject matter because Laugier reduces his version to something far more brazen and glib. Still, to his credit, Laugier proves that contemporary torture porn, especially of the French variety, has a very austere and established pedigree.

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series 7: the contenders
to me, low-budget film making is the best when the filmmakers find a way to use the lack of financial resources to their benefit instead of overreaching their grasp. such is the case with the blair witch project, [rec], and now, series 7: the contenders. in the near future,citizens are chosen randomly by social security number to participate in a reality show, whether they wish to or not. the players in the game are forced to hunt down and kill each other by any means possible; the winner being the last man or woman standing. the story here is similar to what you’ve seen before in films like the running man, battle royale or the more recent death race, but the difference is that series 7 isn’t trying to be an action film. the cheesy graphics, staged monologues, and the rushing, energetic camera crews chasing after each of the contestants scream “trashy, low-budget reality show.” in whatever future this is, series 7 is not the american idol of its day — it’s likely more akin to cheaters or rock of love. this works to the film’s advantage, as this style breaks down the wall between film and audience and makes what you’re watching seem ‘real.’ which is probably why we love reality tv in the first place. the camera follows characters in their private moments, sometimes peaking through doors and catching the contestants unaware, letting us feel we know these people far better than you could a fictional hero in some action film. of course, these are fictional characters as well — but part of the reason this format works is because that shaky, video quality camera footage makes you feel like what you’re watching is ‘reality.’ in this way, the film owes a lot more to stephen king’s the long walk than battle royale, despite the obvious plot similarities to the latter. series 7 could have probably used a little more polishing, but overall it’s a clever story told in a very compelling way and well worth checking out.

actress apocalypse
i have sorted through hundreds, if not thousands, of crappy, unwatchable micro-budget horror films over the years hoping to find those elusive pieces of genius film making i know are out there. my latest roughage to comb through looking for shiny rocks has been netflix’s streaming service since they plugged it into my xbox. you have no idea how many wretched horror films are available there for you to watch, 24/7. of the dozens i’ve seen so far, only one noteworthy film has risen out of the muck — and that film is actress apocalypse. i can’t imagine the budget of this film being more than what i have in my wallet right now, but this is the best example i’ve seen of how much you can really do with a camera, lots of talent and little else. the plot is remarkably simple and intriguing. david b. lincoln the 3rd is a struggling filmmaker who wants to create his first masterpiece, but unfortunately the only people he can get to help him are his brother vance and a guy who insists on being called “the golden terror.” david’s film, titled clearwater canyon, would be epic — if only he could complete it. for example, it features such classic lines as the following, spoken by a trapped heroine pondering her fate.

As I sit here, pondering my predicament on why the army men haven’t gotten here to save me yet… The fear, that the big, fat, ugly mullet Indian is on his way here to kill me.

while david has only the best intentions at heart despite a stunning lack of talent and little grasp of reality, vance has only one goal in mind — to use the auditions of the actresses for his brother’s project as a way to create his own snuff films. it all plays out as a mockumentary, supposedly the behind-the-scenes making-of footage of david’s doomed film. the film fluctuates seamlessly between being a disturbing serial killer horror film, an over-the-top exploitation flick, and a laugh-out-loud comedy. acting is usually where micro-budget films suffer the most, but the three primary characters (david, vance, and golden terror) are like the marx brothers of low-budget horror production, each far better crafted and acted than most comedic characters found in studio products. based on the director’s own history working on micro-budget productions, i imagine much of the situational humor comes from personal experience. i cannot recommend this film enough, particularly for anyone with any interest in low-budget film production. but if you really need more convincing, i suppose i could mention the extraordinary amount of quality nudity on display. not that anyone would make their decision based such a thing, but it has a lot. i mean… a lot.

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5. The Last Horror Film and Shuttle

Splatter: Naked Blood (1996) is about a young scientist who invents a new kind of painkiller. The first problem with it is that it works by turning pain into pleasure. The second problem is that he tests it on unsuspecting women undergoing a clinical trial on an experimental birth control. Things go horribly awry, and the women begin systematically mutilating themselves. One of the women enjoys food, so she deep fries her own hand and eats it. Another woman enjoys jewelry, so she adorns herself with homemade piercings made out of knives, crotchet needles, and forks. But things really take a turn for the worse when director Hisayasu Sato sabotages his own film by trying to make it an artsy David Cronenberg-style meditation on the hybrid nature of eroticism and human flesh. Or something like that. Unfortunately, in Splatter: Naked Blood, this involves one of the women having what looks like virtual reality sex with a VR goggle-wearing cactus. Words alone cannot describe the freaky strangeness of this scene. Sadly, I sent my copy of the DVD back to Netflix, so I was unable to provide a screenshot of said cactus. However, after spending literally hours sorting through images on google, I finally found a rough approximation. Another problem with the film is its long and tedious setup. We learn that the young scientist has abandonment issues, and his father committed suicide by drowning himself in the ocean, and that he’s living in his father’s shadow, and he feels alone in the world, and none of this really matters. I could always rent Bergman’s Persona if I want a film that explores the emotional wreckage of our inevitable human disconnect. What I wanted from Splatter was more splatter and less chatter. And no cacti.

Splatter doesn’t work because all of its terrific special effects and old-fashioned, stomach-churning fun is ruined when Sato tries to employ a highbrow auteur theory of film making to a genre of film that really can’t accommodate it. And this is why I highly recommend Botched (2007). Unlike Splatter, it has no pretenses of exploring the complexities or exotic corners of the human condition, but instead knows its own limitations and opts for the simple ambition of having fun. A professional thief (played by Stephen Dorff, who’s terrific in this role) is forced by a powerful crime boss to steal a religious artifact from the penthouse of a Moscow skyscraper. He’s accompanied by sidekicks who are equal parts bloodthirsty thugs and clumsy Marx brothers stooges. They manage to steal the artifact, but things go badly when the elevator gets stuck on the building’s 13th floor. They’re forced to take hostages, including an alpha-male security guard who has learned all he knows from soldier of fortune magazines, and an icy corporate vamp. Then things go from bad to bizarre when it turns out that they’ve stumbled into the lair of a pair of murderous twins, one who fashions himself after Ivan the Terrible and claims to be his descendent, and the other a crazed prioress complete with a posse of evil nuns. Ivan dispatches the unlucky hostages with deadly, blood splattering booby traps and by decapitating them with his sword in a spinning, spiraling move that looks like a combination of ballet and disco-dancing. Other scenes involve Ivan chasing his victims through the maze of corridors on the 14th floor in a mockup of a Benny Hill sketch. Reviews of the film have tended to describe it as 1/2 comedy, and 1/2 Hostel, but I don’t see the comparison to the latter. It’s a squishy, gloppy, bloody, fun mess of a film, more along the lines of From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, with absurd combinations of the horror and heist genres, and with a little history, and even a love story thrown into the mix.

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1. True Blood Merchandise

I had very high expectations for the 1976 film Who Can Kill a Child because it invariably makes it onto lists for “the most disturbing films of all time.” It begins with a very long, very strange, and largely unnecessary montage of stock footage suggesting just how cruel and hard the world can be for children. I suppose it’s intended to prepare us for the film’s “radical” dénouement that children can be just as evil as adults. This is the lesson learned by Tom and Evelyn, an English couple of the stock “way over their heads in a foreign place” variety, who decide to vacation on a remote island off the coast of Spain. To their horror, it’s been overrun by a group of vicious children who have killed off all the adults. The real “twist” in the story, I guess, is when Tom and Evelyn come to the painful, gut-wrenching, drama-inducing decision that (gasp!) they might just have to defend their lives (and Evelyn’s unborn baby) by shooting some of the little buggers. Maybe I’m jaded. Or maybe I’ve seen Lord of the Flies and Children of the Corn way too many times, but I just didn’t find this to be all that disturbing. It’s terrible, sure. A damn shame, absolutely. But it’s not nearly as subversive as the film (and the freakin’ hour long debate between Tom and Evelyn) suggests. There are far more disturbing stories featured every week on Law and Order SVU.

On the other hand, I didn’t expect much at all from 1961’s The Innocents, but it’s a smart, subtle and creepy little gem of a ghost story. Deborah, a young, prim and proper governess is hired to watch over a mansion in the remote Sussex countryside, as well as its two occupants, the recently orphaned Miles and Flora. In typical gothic fashion, it turns out that the house has a dark history, including a sordid love affair between the former governess, and a mysterious, mean-spirited valet, both of whom died under bizarre circumstances before Deborah’s arrival. Deborah soon suspects that the couple have returned from the grave to haunt the mansion and exert some sort of powerful, evil spell over the children. It’s never entirely clear whether the mansion is literally haunted, or if the children are simply playing a harmless game, or if they’re really under some sort of evil spell, or if they’re actually the ones somehow behind all the mansion’s strange occurrences, or if Deborah is simply imagining the whole thing out of loneliness and frustration. It’s hard to tell if we’re supposed to be afraid of Miles and Flora, or afraid for them. It’s equally hard to tell if Deborah is sympathetic in her role as caretaker and guardian, or if she’s so repressed and anxious that she’s projecting her insecurities onto the children. It’s a disconcerting depiction of just how ambiguous the relationship between child and adult can sometimes be. The Innocents builds a pervasive sense of dread and unease through such old-fashioned film techniques as atmospheric cinematography, carefully designed minimalist lighting, and the uncanny performances by child actors Pamela Franklin (who would grow up to star in The Legend of Hell House and The Food of the Gods) and Martin Stephens. Together, they manage to depict childhood as something both charming and also eerily unsettling.

No related posts.

eden lake

somehow eden lake slipped by me completely unnoticed. i hadn’t even heard of it when i saw it listed as one of the nominees on a ‘best horror film of the year’ ballot last week. its status on netflix is the impatient film lover’s death sentence (‘very long wait’), so i had little choice but to pick it up when i saw one lone copy sitting at best buy. that turns out to be one of the better decisions i made this week (for example, much better than my decision to eat some stale hostess blueberry mini-muffins today). eden lake falls into the ‘survival horror’ subgenre, and is similar in tone and plot to wolf creek, frontier(s), the descent and storm warning. the rules are fairly simple in this type of film — naive, usually nice people wander too far away from their familiar surroundings and run into some not-so-nice locals who test the survival instinct of the nice people until one or more of the victims decides to (sometimes successfully, usually not) fight back. in the case of eden lake, our nice people are a couple out for a camping trip (and a surprise wedding proposal) on the shore of (what quickly becomes the ironically named) ‘eden lake.’ the twist here is that the not-so-nice locals turns out to be a gang of obnoxious 10 to 14 year olds out for proverbial “kicks,” one would presume. an argument over the kids playing their music too loud (damn kids!) and ogling the soon-to-be-fiancee escalates to the kids stealing the couple’s car… and things get just get worse from there. there is a type of movie i call an ‘exhale’ movie. when the credits finally begin to roll, you suddenly realize you’ve basically been leaning forward and only taking shallow breaths for the last hour. the final moments of the film are so intense and disturbing, the only real response you can muster is to put your hands on your knees and slowly exhale… you might think of getting up to get a soda, and might even start to move, but then slump back on the couch and exhale again. few movies have that effect on me, but this is one of them. images and moments from this film (those from the last 5 minutes, in particular) will lodge themselves in your gut for days, if not longer. highly recommended.

quarantine

as mentioned in my ‘best of 2008′ post, quarantine is the american remake of [rec]. as far as i know, quarantine is the first remake put into production before the film it was based on had even been finished. that sounds like a formula for disaster, but in many ways this remake is superior to the original. it’s hard to make comparisons because the films are so incredibly similar, but in the ways they do differ i think the remake comes out ahead. the lead actress (dexter‘s jennifer carpenter) plays paralyzing fear phenomenally, with no concern for vanity. in general the scares are more effective in quarantine, as is the “infected” make-up. the one exception to this is the thin creature in the attic, which is much creepier in the original. the ultimate explanation for the infection is left vague in both versions, but the supernatural “possession” slant is not even hinted at in the remake. the american version also wisely removed the bizarre scene from the original where the characters rewind the tape to rewatch something. Instead of having the camera cut-off then immediately cut-back with the characters discussing the footage they’d just watched (a la cloverfield), the tape actually rewound and replayed itself, breaking the “found footage” framework. you really can’t go wrong watching either version — but if you do like one, you should probably check out the other to decide which you prefer for yourself.

Related posts:

1. Corey’s Best of 2008
2. REC
3. Corey’s Worst of 2008
4. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
5. One Missed Call (2008)

below is my list of the 2008′s ten best horror films. while there’s some general agreement amongst fans on films like inside and the happening, 2008 was a strange year in that it saw many releases that elicited very polar reactions from the horror community. many of the films that made my top ten can be seen in other site’s list of the year’s worst. even within the same site (e.g., bloody-disgusting), many of the films that appear on one writer’s best list also show up on another’s list of the worst. all i can say is that this list represents the ten films from this year that i enjoyed most… stories that drew me in and/or gave me the wiggins might not do the same for you, but i think all of the films listed here deserve a watch from anyone interested in the horror genre.

#10

[rec]

another in the recently revived ‘found footage’ genre, [rec] is a film from spain that documents a small-scale zombie outbreak in an apartment building. an ambitious news reporter and her camera man frame the story, giving the filming of the entire event a feeling of reality lacking in most films of this type (e.g., why did heather donahue feel compelled to continue filming throughout her ordeal?). less ambitious (but also less pompous and pretentious) than diary of the dead, [rec] is a far more visceral experience than romero’s similar take on the genre. i have yet to the see the american remake quarantine, but i hear it is almost a shot-for-shot retelling of the story — so i’m confident in saying that i’ll enjoy it when it makes it to dvd.

#8

inside (à l’intérieur)

i’d heard that inside was a rather grotesque film. about half way into this film’s rather short running time i was all, “hey, i don’t see what the big deal is.” boy did that last half prove me wrong.

this is a messed up little french movie about a messed up little french lady who really wants a baby. unfortunately, the baby belongs to another little french lady who hasn’t so much given birth to the baby yet as hasn’t. home invasion, multiple murders and torture ensues, resulting in a bizarre and rather disturbing climax. likely even more disturbing for pregnant women, women planning on getting pregnant, people who know pregnant women, or people whose mothers were ever pregnant. another little buttery croissant of horror further solidifying france as a force to be reckoned with in the genre. highly recommended.

#6

frontière(s)

i just realized six of my top ten films are foreign (seven if you count funny games, a remake of a foreign film by the same director). what’s up america? hopefully having obama in the white house, in addition to the unicorns and happiness and candy corn for everyone that we’re expecting, will also bring with it something that inspires some much-needed creativity in the horror-related corners of hollywood.

anyway, yeah. back to frontier(s). this is another nasty french film cut from the same bloody cloth as the texas chainsaw massacre. a group of fleeing thieves (including one who is pregnant… what’s with the french and pregnant women being tortured?) take refuge at a bed & breakfast that isn’t run by the stereotypical nice old couple, but instead by a family of nazi cannibals. as you would expect, the predictable hilarity ensues. less psychological and more action oriented than inside, both films are still probably equal on the ‘gruesomeness’ scale. the film’s climax really puts the final girl through her paces too… this is no simple “run through the woods, put on a crusty old sweater and swing a machete” american slasher film obstacle course — this french girl really has to work to get her final girl credentials.

#4

black water

when i heard the guy who did wolf creek was making a killer alligator film, i couldn’t wait. then i saw rogue and was largely underwhelmed… how did the disturbing and subversive tone of wolf creek transform into the castrated, audience friendly hollywood-ized (but admittedly, still fun) antics of rogue? it did whet my appetite for more gator action though, so i put black water in my netflix queue. as it turns out, black water is exactly what i was expecting when i heard about rogue… it’s bleak, frightening and humorless. imagine open water in the swamp. there are no giant cgi crocs to be found and no silly heroics or sappy hollywood endings. despite stiff competition from rogue (and rather flacid competition from the abysmal lake placid 2), this is the alligator movie of the year.

#2

the strangers

apparently this is not a remake of the french film ils (them), but i find that very hard to believe given the similarities. regardless, the strangers surpasses that film in every respect. creepy, moody and unrelenting — the strangers touches on the same fears as funny games — home invasion and torture. the strangers is much scarier though, and just as disturbing. and my god — that mask! apart from those based on the face of william shatner (michael myers’) or borrowed from my favorite sport (jason’s mask), this film features the scariest mask in horror film history.

honorable mentions: i really liked all the boys love mandy lane, but it wasn’t released this year. again. even though it was completed in 2006. the weinstein’s really need to decide what to do with this film and get it out already. i also saw repo: the genetic opera, but despite it being a downright gorgeous film and my love of musicals of this type (e.g., dr. horrible and the rocky horror picture show) — i’m afraid to admit (particularly given its near-universal critical acclaim), it just didn’t do it for me. maybe once i experience it in the theater (as it was intended), i’ll reconsider my opinion…

bonus list: best horror video games of 2008

#3

silent hill: homecoming

i was concerned the creepiness and undefinable “silent hill-iness” of the silent hill franchise would suffer when it moved to an american studio. i need not have been concerned.

#2

dead space

story wise, dead space borrows (read: steals) liberally from the thing and, even more-so, event horizon… but it does so extremely well. furthermore, it features the best user interface in recent memory and is one of the prettiest games ever released.

#1

left 4 dead

valve + co-op play + the inevitable zombie apocalypse we all know is coming. nothing had a chance of topping that.

Related posts:

1. Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake
2. Corey’s Worst of 2008
3. Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)
4. Horror Remakes By The Same Director
5. Stuff I’ve Been Watching — Needs More Cowbell Edition

Naked Fear

At 108 minutes, this movie is about 45 minutes too long, and it gets bogged down in a banal drama involving a small town cop who can’t catch a break from his hard-ass boss played by Joe Montegna. And then there’s Rita, a stripper with a heart of gold who prostitutes herself to survive the mean streets of the American Southwest, and who’s convinced that her roommate, the young naïf Diana Kepler, is in big trouble. She’s right, but nobody believes her because she’s a prostitute. Neither of these subplots with all their ham-fisted social commentary and human melodrama really matter. At its grimy, sleazy core, Naked Fear is an old-fashioned exploitation film involving a demented killer who kidnaps his victims, flies them to the middle of the desert, strips them buck naked, and then hunts them for sport. The fact that the film is shot on location in the desert adds to the starkness of it all, and it makes the film seem at times almost akin to the bleak, existential violence of a Sergio Leone western–but with a naked girl running around in it. Here’s the math: The Most Dangerous Game + Spaghetti Westerns + Hostel + Showgirls = Naked Fear.

The Strangers

Brian Bertino’s debut film hasn’t gotten the acclaim it deserves. I know it has its flaws. Even though Bertino says he based the film on an actual event from his childhood, he rips off Them and Funny Games, to name the two more obvious examples. And the leading guy, played by Scott Speedman, is shockingly, laughably stupid. But Bertino shows an incredible amount of patience and impressive instincts in his pacing and tone. Too many new horror films these days tend to fall in the categories of deliberate b-grade camp or “torture porn.” The Strangers is refreshingly neither. It’s gut-wrenching, psychological horror. And it’s the first time, to my knowledge, that Merle Haggard’s song “Mama Tried” has ever been used in a horror film. Based on this debut, I can safely say that I’m really looking forward to Bertino’s next film.

Storm Warning

I LOVE Storm Warning. There’s nothing original about it in terms of the story. If you’ve seen Hostel and Wrong Turn then you already know the plot. A couple of yuppies from the city — a liberal barrister and his artist wife — find themselves way over their heads in a remote mangrove swamp that happens to be the home of a psychotic family of redneck marijuana farmers. But it’s an impeccably crafted horror film with virtually no wasted dialogue, scene, or even camera shot. And the film is fantastically bloody and gruesome, but the director Jamie Banks knows just when to pull his punches. He also has a wicked sense of humor as he exploits cultural stereotypes and basic film conventions, but, again, he knows how to keep it in check. Plus, there’s an altogether intelligent sub-text involving the conflict between natural and positive law that would satisfy most philosophy majors without being too preachy or pretentious about it.

Stuck

While not technically a horror film, Stuart Gordon knows his way around old-fashioned blood and gore, and he based his latest film on a horrifying true story about an unfortunate man who is hit by a car, gets stuck in its windshield, and is then hidden in the garage of his hit-and-run assailant who does nothing to help him. What makes Gordon’s adaptation so powerful are the mesmerizing parallels between the driver, Brandi Boski, and the victim, Thomas Bardo. Brandi, brilliantly played by Mena Suvari, is a young woman who is on the verge of advancing her career as an orderly at an assisted living home, despite her destructive, party-going lifestyle and her drug-dealing thug of a boyfriend. If Brandi just might be on her way up, Thomas Bardo is on a miserable downward spiral. A former project manager, Bardo becomes the victim of bad luck and a frustrating, Kafka-esque bureaucracy that renders him homeless. Their paths quite literally and dramatically cross when Brandi, freshly stoned after a night of partying, hits Bardo with her car. It’s fascinating to watch how Brandi’s survival instincts kick in and plummet her into one act of self-serving depravity after another, while Bardo quite simply refuses to give up and die. He even shows some degree of pity for Brandi during his horrible ordeal. I wouldn’t exactly call this film triumphant, but it does suggest that our human spirit is as indomitable and wondrous as it is vulgar and selfish. Call me crazy, but I think that sentiment seems entirely appropriate for the holiday season.

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4. Evilontwolegs 2009 Movie Awards
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one of the better trailers i’ve seen in a while was for the UK release of the french film frontier(s) (see video on the right). it was finally released here on dvd last week, so i rushed out tuesday and picked up a copy. i was a little surprised to see the dvd packaging… it’s very clearly identified as one of the “8 films to die for” and part of horrorfest 2007. the packaging is exactly the same as the eight films i reviewed last month. so, it appears there are now nine films in the eight films to die for series this year, which is causing me some minor degree of confusion. do they believe horror fans cannot count? are they going to release another film next month… and then another and another, in the hopes that we won’t notice and will just keep buying them saying to ourselves “well, i have the other seven, i better get this one too?” if so… that’s marketing genius.

a far less plausible explanation is the official one… frontier(s) could not secure an R rating and was removed from the original octuplet to be released separately later. that still doesn’t explain why the packaging includes it as one of the “eight,” but i am willing to let it go — and i will tell you why.

this is a kick-ass movie.

if this had been released in the original 2007 horrorfest line-up, it would have easily been the best of the eight. the film excels in most areas, lacking the most in the “originality” department (but who said originality was so important?). the story is familiar… a group of criminals on the lamb stumble into a something much, much worse than prison (e.g., from dusk ’til dawn). a strong female lead suffers through numerous unspeakable experiences (e.g., haute tension, hostel 2) at the hands of an inbred family (e.g., texas chainsaw massacre, the hills have eyes) determined to torture and/or kill and/or impregnate her (depending on where you are in the narrative), leading to a conclusion involving her fighting back while losing most of her sanity along the way (e.g., pretty much all of the afore-mentioned films). the tone and feel of the film are most similar to the two most recent texas chainsaw films (going so far as to include the “forced to have dinner with the insane family” sequence) and the hills have eyes remake, which is not all that surprising since the latter is directed by alexandre aja whose haute tension started the current gore trend in french horror. like haute tension, this is a vicious film which refuses to hold anything back and leaves nothing to the imagination… which basically means it was awesome.

the only possible criticism is that frontier(s) is never quite as good as the films it so unabashedly steals from. the ‘final girl’ is given little characterization, making identifying with her difficult. the psychotic family members are never quite as creepy as they could have been (with the possible exception of the nazi-crazed father). that said, the good aspects far outweigh any bad. the film is overflowing with style and often leaves you with that wonderful feeling i first felt when seeing the original texas chainsaw massacre… that perhaps the filmmakers don’t have your best interests at heart, and maybe entertaining you isn’t their primary goal. it also features one of the more grotesque deaths i’ve seen involving a table saw, and a head explosion rivaled only by the prowler, maniac and scanners. while its possible not every movie-goer shares my love of exploding heads, in my mind that moment is worth the price of admission alone.

Related posts:

1. Horrorfest 2007
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (chainsaw edition)
3. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Saw VI Gets Smacked Down by a Ghost Edition)
4. The Hair of Halloween (2007)
5. Somebody Help Me (2007)

ok, wrong turn 2: dead end. we’re going to look at this film in a bit of detail, but if you want to save some time — here’s the short review:

wrong turn is a good movie because it was created by people with interesting ideas who should be commended for their efforts. wrong turn 2 is a bad movie because it was created by people with horrible ideas who should be poked with poking sticks until they’re really annoyed and promise to never ruin another horror franchise again.

do you remember those little star wars read-a-long record books from when you were a kid? you’d put the record on your fisher price player and read along with it in the book… and they’d always start with “turn the page when you hear r2-d2 make this sound … boop beep boop boop.” i loved those things.

anyway… here’s an analogy. wrong turn is to wrong turn 2: dead end as star wars the film is to a star wars read-a-long book. that may require some unpacking, so here it is. the star wars book is essentially the same story as the film… but it’s fundamentally a different experience. you don’t get anywhere near the same atmosphere, acting talent, special effects or (most importantly) emotional impact as you do in the film despite all the characters and plot being present and accounted for. the same holds true for wrong turn 2.

let’s start with our protagonists. below you can see the primary groups of kids we’re to identify with in each film. on the left we have the unfortunate band of travelers from the original wrong turn; on the left the group that serves the same purpose in wrong turn 2.

** click screenshots for larger versions **

wrong turn

wrong turn 2

despite the goofy look (which i love) on the far right guy’s face, it may be hard to discern the fundamental difference between these two groups from just a screenshot. if so, let me just tell it to you. when watching wrong turn, you will genuinely care about the characters on the left (well, maybe not jeremy sisto’s whiny fiance). i can think of few other slasher films where the characters are so likable and intelligent. instead of screaming “no, don’t go down in the basement!”, you’ll be cheering them on, applauding their resourcefulness and actually hoping they’ll survive at the end. contrast this with the characters on the right. from the moment they’re introduced you won’t just become happy at the thought of their untimely deaths… you’ll be actively annoyed with each second that passes where someone doesn’t flay them alive and then jump up and down on the squishy bits that remain. and at the top of that list is jonesy.

jonesy

oh, how i hate this character. he makes borat seem like a realistic and sympathetic portrayal of the typical male. he makes stiffler seem like holden caulfield. my god, jonesy… if only these inbred cannibalistic hill-billy’s could have killed and eaten you more than once.

you may have noticed that jonesy has a little thing-a-ma-jig on his ear. that stylish ear-piece brings us to one of the more ridiculous aspects of this film — its premise. not only are these characters horribly unlikable, they’re also contestants on a reality tv show. that thing on jonesy’s ear is supposed to be a camera/microphone used in filming a show called the apocalypse. this show is exactly like survivor except for the fact that it’s lame. the only thing it has going for it is its host, henry rollins. which means…

they get a bad-ass truck with a huge photo of henry rollins on the side! hell yeah! this truck is my favorite thing about this movie. i covet this truck. i can just imagine truckin’ around the dc beltway in this bad boy… wind in my hair… envy of all that see me. i’d have some kickin’ song on the radio (something with a really rad bass line) and as people passed by i’d point my fingers in their direction, make a little ‘chk chk’ clicking sound and give ‘em a little wink.

anyway, yeah. the apocalypse. if this show actually existed, it would be horrible. perhaps worse than this movie. maybe even worse than moonlight. first of all, i understand that the common film viewer doesn’t have intimate knowledge of how reality shows are produced — but i think we all know they’re not done like this. to shoot a full episode of survivor, you don’t put cameras on each contestant’s head. can you imagine a show cut together almost exclusively from footage shot from people’s ear lobes?

ignoring the technical logistics, the show still makes little sense. the premise, as best i can figure, is this. the six contestants are let loose in the west virginia wilderness with the goal of surviving for 5 days. each person is given a little radiation badge (see below left), one of which is actually ‘radioactive’ (you cannot tell which without sticking it into a little electronic doohickey). there are also dozens of little devices called ‘twists of fate’ (see below right) spread throughout the woods which have a proximity sensor. if you set one off, you have a time limit to complete the goal it gives you or you are eliminated from the game. if you complete the goal, you are allowed to give your radiation badge to another player therefore ensuring you survive the day.

in the one example the film gives us, a girl sets off one of the sensors and is given 2 minutes to crawl to the end of a log and retrieve a flag (see below).

thrilling.

i can only imagine how exciting that would if i could see her crawling unfold all from the point of view of her hair barrette. and i get chills just thinking about the elimination round at the end of each episode as each contestant steps forward to place their plastic badge in a cheap plastic card reader to see if they’ve been sent packing. that’s such a better idea than the survivor tribal council… or flavor flav’s “you know what time it is” clock distribution ceremony.

of course, very little of the game show actually gets played out as it’s not long before a bunch of cannibalistic humanoid above-ground dwellers descend upon our contestants (and host, henry rollins) and ruin the whole damn shooting schedule. since all but one of the monstrous creepy dudes was killed in the first movie, for the most part we’re treated to a whole new family of good, god-fearing southern folk.

brother wrong turn 2

sister wrong turn 2

are we really supposed to be scared by these two? are these really the replacements for those terrifying monstrosities from the original film? and it’s not just them. we get a whole clan of lame imitations of the horrors stan winston so convincingly brought to life in the original film.

saw-tooth wrong turn

dad wrong turn 2

3-finger wrong turn

3-finger wrong turn 2

old timer wrong turn

old timer wrong turn 2

if you look at the screenshots above closely, i think you can begin to see what i believe is the biggest flaw of the film.

the atmosphere.

wrong turn had a rather mediocre plot accentuated with likable characters. but what it really had going for it was it oozed atmosphere in a way few films do. look at the picture of ‘old timer’ on the left. that guy is dirty. dirty in a way few humans ever achieve. everything in the shot just screams “do not touch” in a way only things in the deep south can. apart from the opening scenes where we see our characters in the safety of their clean, modern automobiles, every moment in wrong turn feels like this.

now contrast that with the guy on the right — the same character, but in the sequel. compared to the one on the left, this guy is the epitome of hygiene. maybe not the guy you want to see sitting at the table when you show up for a blind date, but certainly a guy you wouldn’t mind showing you the best fishing spots in the area. you can see the same thing in the pictures of 3-finger from each film. it seems that in the years since almost being burned alive in the first film, 3-finger has discovered the power of hair conditioner and moisturizing.

i actually found it hard to find close-up shots of the monsters from the original wrong turn dvd, while it was an easy exercise with the sequel. only after going through the dvds looking for images did i realize how carefully constructed the original film is and how long they take to reveal (even partially) what the creatures look like. in contrast, the sequel is thrown together clumsily, showing the monsters early and frequently with no attempt to use lighting or camera angles to convey a sense of menace.

for whatever reason (art design, direction, writing, or acting), the monsters just don’t have the same fear-inducing capacities as in the original film. remember how creepy it was when 3-finger would laugh and hold his knife out at an odd angle, dancing towards eliza dushku like a demented marionette? or how scared you were during the scene where they’re hiding under the bed while the family returns home to finish dismembering lindy booth’s character? or how anxious you were when the spring on the screen door is cutting our hero’s hand to ribbons as he holds it in an effort to stop the noise as everyone else sneaks out? this sequel will elicit none of those emotions, despite using basically the same plot and even raising the level of violence. it reflects poorly on this film that what i gained most from watching it was a new appreciation for its predecessor.

that isn’t to say there’s nothing to enjoy here. unlike the original film which relied heavily on realistic violence, the gore here is taken to ridiculous, comical levels. you won’t find the intensity or suspense of wrong turn here… but you will find yourself gasping and laughing as what you know of biology and physics is completely disregarded in (often successful) attempts to grab your attention. below is an example of what i’m referring to. this short sequence is taken from the first five minutes of the film, so little of the plot will be ruined by watching it. beware though… this is some gruesome (albeit implausible) wackiness.

in defense of the film’s script, it does attempt some clever ideas. the rather stereotypically-wholesome nuclear family of the cannibals (mother, father, children, grandchild) is contrasted with the completely dysfunctional “family” of the contestants who all despise each other. the contestants are forced to pull together and understand each other in order to survive while the cannibals family begins to disintegrate. while somewhat interesting, this idea quickly falls apart as the contestants are quickly whittled down to a number less than family-sized due to the innate structure of this genre (only 1 or 2 characters can survive according to the typical slasher formula).

the script also tries to play against expectation, to occasionally disastrous results. the girl that’s setup as the sympathetic and wholesome “final girl” is killed almost immediately while the hateful bitch character becomes the focus of the story. as happy as i am to have a film refuse to be predictable, there is a reason the likable girl we spend time getting to know usually survives far into the movie — people enjoy watching likable people. they also like cheering for the uber-bitch character to get decapitated as soon as possible. what they don’t like is watching a character they’ve begun to identify with die unceremoniously and then being forced to watch a character they have no affection for trudge through the final hour of the film.

for the most part, the script sticks to less original ideas and either puts forward unwanted explanations or blatantly steals from better films. for example…

wow, i’ve never seen a dinner scene where a girl is bound to a chair at the head of the table and tortured by an insane family. and…

i really needed to know that our cannibal family wasn’t simply the results of a century’s worth of inbreeding and seclusion from the rest of society as i’d assumed… they were actually created in the 1970s when a paper mill dumped a few cannisters of chemical waste into the nearby stream! in case it wasn’t obvious, they helpfully spelled it out (literally) by having it state ‘warning: may cause birth defects’ on the cannister.

additionally, there are really odd moments reflecting back on the reality tv show angle that seem out of place or just don’t work. at one point henry rollins (playing an ex-marine) discovers the dead body of one of the female contestants. his reaction is to kneel down and snap off her ‘radiation’ badge necklace and put it in his pocket. i assume this is a reference to removing dogtags in a time of war… but apart from that, what the hell is he doing? i think it’s safe to say the game is over and her fake game badge won’t really be all that useful.

then there’s the scene where (also, with little reason) one of the cannibals removes a contestant’s camera headset and wears it around his neck. while this does lead to a briefly effective scene where we can see that the killer is coming up behind a technician on his own monitor, for the most part it ruins the suspense in the scenes in which it’s used. how suspenseful would it be if the shark in jaws had a camera mounted on its head so you could always see where it was?

while i would say wrong turn 2 is well worth watching for the over-the-top kills and henry rollins running through the woods like a bad-ass, blowing people up with arrow-mounted dynamite… i have to say my favorite part of the dvd was the seeing the trailer for lake placid 2. a sequel to another film i love that i hope won’t be as disappointing as this one.

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

Related posts:

1. Jennifer’s Body Debate on Dead Wrong Podcast
2. Stuff I’ve Been Watching (gore & Megan Fox edition)
3. iPhone Horror Film — DEAD iSLAND
4. Series 7 and Actress Apocalypse
5. Review of EYES OF A STRANGER (1981)