evilontwolegs.com » Vampires

The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids

Corey — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:46:01 +0000

most of us discovered our love of horror early in life, and the reasons for this probably aren’t that hard to determine. apart from the obvious ‘things that traumatize us as children become sources of attraction in adulthood’ concept, there’s the simple fact that the horror genre is considered somewhat taboo, and kids love things that they’re not supposed to be exposed to. films and music are the obvious childhood battlegrounds for challenging your parent’s authority, but they are far from the only ones. toys, candy and collectibles also feature items designed to gross-out parents, teachers and sensitive classmates (here’s a good list of candy examples).

from my own childhood, the item i remember most that seemed to serve no other purpose than to gross out those around you was ‘garbage pail kids’ collectible cards. designed as sort of an “eff you” to both the baseball cards our fathers once collected and, obviously, the ‘cabbage patch kid’ mania sweeping the nation in the mid 1980s, these cards were the must-have item when i was eleven. each card featured a cartoon image of a child experiencing some sort of trauma, torture, fatal injury or performing some similarly heinous act themselves. under that picture would be the child’s name, which was usually some sort of bad pun, rhyme or alliteration. a good example of this is ‘blown joan.’

there were usually two variations of each card, each with the same image but a different name (e.g. ‘blown joan’ is also known as ‘curly shirley’). the cards pretty much grossed out anyone who saw them (including the kids who bought them). which was, of course, awesome. how they were able to release images of children either in the process of dying or already dead is beyond me, but the cards were very popular through the late 1980s and early 1990s, and have actually seen a resurgence as new cards and retro releases of the originals have been produced in the last few years. i found several sites that catalog all the cards, so this weekend i spent quite a while looking through every single garbage pail kids card ever released, pulling out those that either directly reference horror films or are based heavily on horror themes. below is the fruit of that labor, so take a stroll with me down horror-nostalgia-gross-out lane…

not many of the cards directly references slasher films, but two notable exceptions are ‘slasher asher’ (aka ‘claude flesh’) and ‘hollow wayne’ (aka ‘jacqueline lantern’).

when i was a kid, having a ‘garbage pail kids’ card with your name was the ultimate in coolness (which is probably why they released at least two names for every card). unfortunately there was never a ‘corey’ card as i was growing up (the closest thing was ‘cory on the cob’), but in the new cards there are two! now if only i was eleven again, these would both go front-and-center on my trapper keeper.

if you want to look at more cards or search for your own name, the three sites below will allow you to do both of those things.

Horror Film Ink: Six Bad-Ass Tattoos (and the Bad-Asses Who Wear Them)

Jon — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 19:50:05 +0000

One of my favorite episodes of the X-Files has always been “Never Again,” partly because it gave Dana Scully her own Mulder-free story, but also because it featured some interesting tattoos. I don’t have any myself, but I find them intriguing because they often signify something private or mysterious beneath the surface of those who wear them. In the world of film, horror films included, a tattoo often signifies that the person wearing it is a genu-ine bad-ass.

1. Lisbeth Salander in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
I never read Stieg Larsson’s novel, but the Swedish film adaptation of it is stylish and intriguing, largely because of Noomi Rapace’s portrayal of Lisbeth. She’s sexy, street-savvy, brilliant, tough, and all of this is symbolized by the full-length dragon tattoo on her back. But that’s not the only bad-ass tattoo in the film. When Lisbeth is victimized by her probation officer, she has her revenge by videotaping his attack, and then tattooing the words “I am a rapist and a sadistic pig” on his stomach.

2. Seth Gecko in From Dusk ‘Til Dawn
A picture of Seth Gecko should be printed in the dictionary under the word “cool.” Sure, he’s a cold-blooded psychopath, but he’s also confident, bold, focused, and absolutely stylish. Everything from his car, to his clothes, and his tattoo screams that he’s cooler than you’ll ever be. And I love the way we never see the full extent of his tattoo until the end of the film. In a way, this mirrors one of the film’s themes. Just when you think a bad-ass biker bar couldn’t be more dangerous, it gets more dangerous. And just when you think Seth Gecko couldn’t get any cooler, he takes off his coat and does just that.

3. Viper in Doomsday
The reviews of this film were decidedly mixed, but I thought it was a fun and stylish mash-up of conventional post-apocalyptic scenarios. Plus, it’s got Viper in it. She’s the ultimate “bad girl” in that she’s wild, dangerous, and seductive, as evident by her tribal facial tattoos. I know that Sinclair is the film’s protagonist, and I like the fact that she’s basically the female version of Snake Plissken, but I couldn’t help but wish that she wouldn’t have killed Viper. Still, it was far more entertaining to watch those two go at it than watching Snake fight that sweaty fat man with a spiked baseball bat in Escape From New York.

4. Francis Dolarhyde in Red Dragon
The “Tooth-Fairy” is a lousy nickname for Dolarhyde. Sure, he bites his victims and all that, but it’s just too silly an appellation for this far-out, cosmic-minded killer with his Blakean delusions. And the placement of this particular tattoo is rather ingenious in that he can keep it so well hidden during his workaday life. It’s a much safer route than, say, having dragon horns or something implanted in his skull, but still creepy enough to satisfy his dark, freaky urges and scare the bejeesus out of his victims.

5. Beth in Hostel Part 2
As much as I liked Paxton in the first Hostel, he’s not nearly the bad-ass that Beth turns out to be in Hostel Part 2. In a typical horror film, a girl like Beth would stumble into something she wasn’t prepared to handle, and then fight her way out. Beth goes one or two steps further and proves that she’s much more than a scared, spoiled rich girl. In one of the greatest, turn-the-tables scenes in horror cinema, Beth demonstrates that she’s the much more qualified to join Elite Hunting than Stuart, her would-be killer. And by the end of the film, she’s got an Elite Hunting tattoo, as well as Stuart’s severed genitals, to prove it.

6. Reverend Harry Powell in Night of the Hunter
Robert Mitchum had already established himself as 1940’s film-noir staple, but his role as Reverend Harry Powell, the bible-thumping, throat-slitting con-artist with the words “LOVE” and “HATE” tattooed on his knuckles, made him the ultimate bad-ass. He’s got a little story to explain the tattoos, saying that helps him illustrate the inner struggle between good and evil that all men face. But with Powell, there is no inner struggle, as he’s perfectly fine with marrying his dead prison-mate’s widow before murdering her, then bullying her brother and stalking her children.

Horror Makes for Good Social Commentary – Except When it Doesn’t

Jon — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:09:23 +0000

Horror has always been a vehicle for social commentary. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein is a metaphor for how our prejudices and moral failures create our own monsters in our own image. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a famous metaphor for cold war hysteria. Still, not every horror film is up to the task of serious social commentary, no matter how hard it tries. Here are a few examples of horror films as social commentary that work, as well as a few that don’t.

1. Alien incarceration is a good metaphor for the evils of racism.
(District 9, 2009)

I still can’t get over how good this movie is. It’s a textbook example of how to properly make the most out of faux-documentary storytelling and filmmaking. The film was adapted from a 2005 short film called Alive in Joburg, and inspired by events that took place in District 6 in Cape Town during South Africa’s apartheid era. The film movingly explores the effects of xenophobia and forced segregation as one of the chief bureaucrats who oversees District 9 is forced to live as a hunted and despised alien. In doing so, not only does he learn to have compassion for those who have been so unfairly oppressed, but regains his own humanity, even as he transforms into an alien himself. At the same time, we learn to sympathize with the alien Christopher Johnson and his young son, both of whom simply want to go home. They’re far more decent and sympathetic than those who oppress them. Honestly, I haven’t been that emotionally invested in a film in years. It’s a deeply moving and thoughtful metaphor for just how much we lose ourselves when we hate those who are different from us.

2. An alien invasion is not a good metaphor for Mexican immigration.
(Monsters, 2010)

Monsters wants to be District 9. But I have seen District 9. I love District 9. And Monsters, you are no District 9. If you pretend that Monsters is just a monster movie with no other agenda, then it works fine. The effects are good (but sparse), the story is good, and it involves likeable and interesting characters who have to sneak past a quarantine zone where Earthlings have just had their butts kicked by giant, squid-like monsters. The quarantine zone happens to be Mexico, and the protagonists are desperate to sneak into the U.S. by any means necessary. Their plight warrants a lot of sympathy and has obvious analogies with immigration along the US-Mexican border. Had the film stopped here, I would have been fine with it, but this is where it gets confusing. We’re meant, I think, to agree with the protagonists who begin to realize that the aliens are misunderstood, and are actually beautiful — if you find giant, slithering, crevice-probing tentacles to be beautiful. Call me old-fashioned, but I think they’re horrifying. And these aliens also have the habit of leaving their eggs stuck to the sides of every tree in every forest they slither through. The overall message is that we should be peaceable and ecologically friendly, and just live and let live when it comes to tolerating the interplanetary aliens among us. I’m as liberal as they come, and a literal card carrying member of both the ACLU and the Sierra Club. I believe in saving the planet, preserving the environment, and keeping our borders open for fair and legal immigration. But I wanted the US military to nuke those squishy, disgusting aliens back to whatever planet they came from. As a monster film, this was very good. As a metaphor for how we should rethink our immigration policies, using the aliens in this film was just plain crazy.

3. Zombies are a good metaphor for mindless consumerism.
(Dawn of the Dead, 1978)

Zombies have always tapped into the fear that we’re all little more than flesh and bone with nothing more noble or spiritual to animate us or guide our behavior. Zombies are terrifying because, as Barbara puts it the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead, “we are them and they are us.” This idea reached its apex in George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, in which mindless, suburban consumerism is explored through the vehicle of a zombie infested shopping mall. I was a teenager in the 80s, so mall culture is a part of my DNA, but after watching this film, I do feel a little guilty whenever I mindlessly wander around one with an Orange Julius in hand.

4. Zombies are not a good metaphor for new media/blogging.
(Diary of the Dead, 2007)

Romero once said that whenever he sees a social problem, he sticks a zombie to it in order to explore it. But it doesn’t always work. I actually agree with the premise of Diary of the Dead. I love the ephemeral pleasures of YouTube as much as the next guy, and I think blogging is a great form of community-building and political empowerment. But blogging is no substitute for professional journalism, and thinking that it is could make us ill-informed, intellectually lazy, and socially disconnected. That’s a great theme that great writers such as Noam Chomsky and Neil Postman explore in-depth in their numerous books and essays. Sadly, this theme doesn’t make for a great zombie movie. Throughout this awful, unwatchable mess of a film, we’re supposed to want the characters to stop filming and do something to save their fellow human beings. We’re supposed to want them to be more connected to reality instead of their private, mediated version of it. Instead, I wanted to scream at Romero to connect with his audience by making a real zombie movie.

5 .Vampirism is a good metaphor for venereal disease.
(Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)

Bram Stoker suffered from syphilis when he wrote the book that forever established the vampire as an icon of horror. His version of the vampire is sexy, seductive, and diseased. Vampires had long been repulsive and fearsome, but Stoker made them equally attractive, and I think it’s this capacity of eliciting both of those powerful emotions at once that makes the modern vampire so captivating. Francis Coppola’s rendition of Stoker’s novel makes this clear, as his Dracula is both a demonic fiend and also a debonair but diseased man of civilization (or “syphilization,” as Van Helsing puns). Coppola pushes that metaphor about as far as he can by linking vampirism with the stigma of HIV, but it works. Near Dark is another example of how well this metaphor works in exploring the ravages and allure of disease. Behind their fangs, the vampires in Near Dark are really sex-crazed, drug addicts in desperate need of medical treatment, if only they would stop partying long enough to take that first step and admit they have a problem.

6. Vampirism is not a good metaphor for the moodiness of teenage love.
(Twilight, 2008)

Romeo and Juliet, The Breakfast Club and Freaks and Geeks are notable exceptions to the general rule that teenage drama is boring and trivial. There’s a fancy neurological term for why things seem so disproportionally melodramatic when you’re a teenager. It has something to do with the still developing neural pathways of the teenage brain. Of course, there have been some notable adolescent vampires – Homer in Near Dark and Eli from Let the Right One In are obvious examples. But those characters work because they’re adults stuck in a child’s body. They have real problems. The vampires in Twilight are perpetual adolescents with high school problems. Being stuck in that stage of emotional and intellectual retardation is, I suppose, horrifying. But vampirism is not a good metaphor for moody teenagers because NOTHING is a good metaphor for moody teenagers. Also, vampires don’t hang out in trees. Or play baseball. Or sparkle.

Troo Blud & The Mind of Shyamalan

Corey — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 16:44:35 +0000

no TRUE BLOOD this week, but maybe this will hold you over until the season finale.

added bonus: terrifying video about the mind of m. night shamalamadingdong.

Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted: Near Dark Edition

Corey — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 00:33:21 +0000

“It ain’t what’s goin’ on, son. It’s what’s comin’ off. Your pants. Clean off. ”

~ Severen

“You’re not gonna look so good… with your pants ripped off.”

~ Jesse

“I’m down to my last inch of pants!”

~ Severen

“You have any idea what it’s like to be a big man on the inside and have a small pants on the outside?”

~ Homer

“It’s pants-lickin’ GOOD!”

~ Severen

“Normal folks, they don’t spit out pants when you shoot ‘em, no sir.”

~ Loy Colton

“I’m gonna knock your pants out your asshole. What do you think of them apples, huh? ”

~ Severen

“Caleb, fasten your fuckin’ pants belt!”

~ Severen

[other pants posts]

Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One

Jon — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 20:46:39 +0000

I watched the original Predator a few days ago, a film I adored as a kid, but hadn’t seen since then. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I STILL enjoyed it. The characters are outrageous and exaggerated but likable, the story is simple, and the action is well-paced. But it’s the incredible one-liners that make the film so much fun to watch. Inspired, I decided to hold a contest to determine the best and the worst of horror film one-liners. Even though some of these one-liners tried to bribe and flatter their way into my good graces, I assure you I remained objective and scientific in my selections. Stay tuned for part two of this contest, in which I’ll present the cheesiest, creepiest, and most unintentionally funny one-liners in horror.

Catchiest

Second runner-up:

“Dog will hunt!”

– Chop Top, from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Arguably one of the most verbal villains in horror, Chop Top’s dialogue is a non-stop series of insane, degenerate, and incredibly catchy one-liners. The band Primus even sampled this particular phrase for their opus “Jerry Was a Race Car Driver.”

First runner up:

“Here’s Johnny!”

– Jack, from The Shining

I love it that this line was already a famous catchphrase long before the film. But it belongs to Jack Torrence now, forever… and ever… and ever. Much like the way “Helter Skelter” belongs to Manson and not the Beatles.

Winner:

“Groovy.”

– Ash, from Evil Dead II

Nearly every line from this movie is memorable (i.e. “let’s head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch”), but it’s this line that stands out in my mind as capturing the tone and tenor of the film and Ash’s resilient nature so perfectly.

Most Bad Ass

Second runner-up:

“Zombies, man. They creep me out.”

– Paul Kaufman, from Land of the Dead

It’s Dennis Hopper’s delivery of this line that makes it so bad ass. The fact that he says this just as he’s flippantly picking his nose somehow makes his character all the more callous. It’s as if he regards the zombies simply as a personal nuisance that stand in the way of his bigger plans and ambitions. Romero’s recurring theme is that humans are no better than the zombies they fight, and Kaufman’s character makes that message all the more clear.

First runner up:

“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

– Nada, from They Live

I’ve heard that this line was not part of the film’s script, but was ad-libbed by Rowdy Roddy Piper. This makes sense, as I can’t imagine any screenwriter, no matter how tough, coming up with something so unbelievably bad ass.

Winner:

“I ain’t got time to bleed.”

– Blain, from Predator

The original Predator is so freaking macho that when I watched this as a kid, I’m pretty sure I had to shave the next day. This famous quote from that film should be included in every dictionary under the phrase “bad ass.”

Funniest

Second runner-up:

“Send… more… paramedics.”

– zombie, from The Return of the Living Dead

Romero turned zombies into a metaphor for cogent social commentary. Dan O’Bannon turned zombies into stand-up comedians.

First runner up:

“Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are.”

– Seth Gecko, from From Dusk Till Dawn.

This film is mostly a long series of one-liners, but this one still makes me laugh every time I hear it. It also perfectly defines Seth’s calculated coolness.

Winner:

“I’m not great at farewells, so, uh… that’ll do, pig.”

– Tallahassee, from Zombieland

I love the way this film combines horror and gore with humor and sentiment. This quote perfectly captures the awkward and strange but ultimately endearing relationship between Tallahassee and Columbus.

Where Sequels Go To Die

Jon — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 20:37:34 +0000

Even the most illustrious horror franchise sometimes run out of ideas, and when they do, there’s apparently a rule in Hollywood that you must set your next sequel in either A) outer space or B) the Old West. I’ll admit that if they ever set a Jaws sequel in the Old West, I’d be pretty into it. And space is the place when it comes to scary ghost stories (i.e. Solaris and Event Horizon). Still, taking a sequel to either of these locales is a sure sign the franchise is scraping the bottom of the creative barrel. Here are a few choice examples.

1. BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007)
The fact that it’s based on a video game, features a vampiric Billy the Kid, and that it’s directed by Uwe Boll are all really good signs that this film is going to suck. It’s not that you can’t mix vampires and cowboys, or that you can’t alter the image of the West’s most infamous outlaw. I love the way Kris Kristofferson plays Billy as a subversive folk hero in Sam Pekinpah’s version of Billy the Kid. I even liked the way Emilio Estevez infused the western legend with a contemporary street-gang ethos. But depicting Billy as the vampire king of a horde of undead cowboys just doesn’t work. Many bad sequels will use their time in space or the Old West to reflect and gain new perspective before returning to the present. Some sequels, such as this one, should stay there and never come back.

2. Jason X (2001)
By the time we got to Jason X, it was clear that the franchise had run out of ideas. Jason had died and been re-animated countless times. He’d been to Manhattan, and he’d been to Hell. So the only thing left was to take him to space. It’s a silly premise, but it kind of works. In particular, the virtual simulation of Crystal Lake is a lot of fun to watch. Ultimately, Jason is a terrestrial creature, but his quick orbit in space did give the franchise a little more breathing room.

3. Hellraiser 4: Bloodline (1996)
My favorite review ofHellraiser: Bloodline puts it this way: “In space, um, no one, um, nevermind.” The film begins in 2127, with flashforwards within flashbacks, and it features things like a giant, laser beam shooting space station called the “Elysium Configuration.” Esoteric would be the academic term for it. Confusing as all hell is probably a better descriptor. Hardcore fans of the franchise like this film because it ties everything together and explains the origins of the various “Configurations.” I find it odd that it took launching Pinhead into orbit to explain it all, but so be it. Call me old-fashioned, but I think the franchise was far better off in that creepy attic from the first installment. Hellraiser 4 did mark the end, in a way, of the franchise, as the rest of the sequels were direct-to-dvd.

4. Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)
Just as it’s a sign that a franchise is in trouble when it moves to the Old West, it’s also a bad sign when a franchise resorts to “origin” stories. In particular, I’m thinking of films such as the altogether lackluster X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but even good films such as Casino Royale prove that the franchise desperately needed the reboot. Tremors 4 in no way lives up to the original, but it isn’t all that bad, and the Old West background makes far more sense and is far more believable than, say, a film that features a Leprechaun in outer space.

5. Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)
A small part of me admires a franchise that so blatantly and recklessly uses every gimmick in the book—a novelty villain, a “bride of” sequel, a Vegas setting, and then the little green bastard is launched into space. And he should have stayed there, out of harm’s way in lunar orbit, or in a fiery trajectory into the heart of the sun, but in the next sequel, he’s back on earth and in “the hood,”and then in the hood again in that film’s follow up. Being a native and resident of the Appalachian mountains, I am a little bit insulted that we haven’t yet seen a Hillbilly Leprechaun.

Bella and Jacob and the Magical Twilight Pizza Wrench

Corey — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 13:43:45 +0000

at this point the phrases “TWILIGHT series” and “ridiculous bullshit” are pretty much synonymous. last year i listed the top five silliest things about TWILIGHT, but that didn’t begin to scrape the surface of the levels of absurdity in that film — and didn’t even take into account the second film in the series, NEW MOON.

while NEW MOON may lack vampire baseball, it more than makes up for it in teenage angst, crappy cgi werewolves and a disturbing lack of shirts. much like TWILIGHT, the second film in the series is a bottomless barrel of foolishness, but one moment in particular stands out in my mind above all others — the magical pizza/wrench cut.

shown above on a constant, mind-numbing loop is one of the strangest editing choices i’ve ever seen. director chris weitz may have intended this as a homage to the “hey, that bone turned into a spaceship” shot from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, but kubrick’s famous transition was relevant to the story, having what some might refer to as “a point.” NEW MOON‘s bizarre mid-flight transformation of a piece of pizza into a tool cannot make the same claim. while i’m guessing the intention was to show the passage of time (this shot occurs at the beginning of a montage, depicting bella and jacob’s summer long motorcycle-repair-fueled romance), why pizza turning into a wrench would signal that we’re no longer in the same day is beyond me.

i can’t help but find both film entries in the TWILIGHT saga to be “so bad they’re good.” i don’t enjoy them in spite of confusing moments like that depicted above — it’s because of them. so keep it up, TWILIGHT movies… ECLIPSE better damn well contain such bizarre interpretations of the language of film that no one can tell what the hell is going on and enough sparkly vampires to leave me optically and neurologically damaged. that is my dream, and i am confident it will come to pass.

Sparkly Dinosaurs

Corey — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:25:07 +0000

i recently found a year old forums thread on somethingawful.com unambiguously titled “screenshots from twilight with raptors photoshopped in!” you need an archive forums account at the site to view that thread, but i’ve reproduced some of my favorites of those images submitted below.

one might think that long extinct carnivorous dinosaurs might not fit into a teenage vampire love-story, but if you were that one, you would be sorely mistaken. as these images clearly show, i think raptors were the missing ingredient from the twilight saga… had they actually been included in the print and film versions of the stories, perhaps they would not have been such financial failures and so clearly alienated the critical demographic of female 12-16 year-olds.

The Best of Twilight Rifftrax

Corey — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:37:01 +0000

buy the twilight commentary track at rifftrax.com/rifftrax/twilight

Golden Turkey: Top Five Silliest Things About Twilight

Corey — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:22:04 +0000

there is a lot of hatred in the horror community for the film adaptation of stephenie meyer’s tale of brooding, day-walking and oh-so-glittery vampires. but, i have a confession to make. i like twilight. before you strip me of my horror blogger/movie fan/y-chromosome cred, let me explain why.

when john at zomboscloset sent out a call for “golden turkeys” (movies so bad, they’re good), twilight is the first thing that jumped to mind. for the horror fan, twilight is a near non-stop work of comedic genius. where else are you going to see vampires playing baseball in the day and watch people base an entire romantic relationship around how the girl’s blood smells? what other vampire movie posits the cure for getting bit by a vampire is to get bit by another, slightly nicer vampire? you may call this film vapid, silly, dumb and insulting… all of which it is. but it’s also a near-perfect mix of unintentional humor, ed wood quality dialogue and self-satirizing views on romance.

my apologies to any twi-hards or hard-lights or whatever twilight fans are called… but wow, this movie is bad. in my mind, it’s so horribly silly and overdone that it actually pushes the dial all the way around on the quality meter, breaking through to the other side… this is truly a movie deserving of the description “so bad, it’s good.” so, in honor of the upcoming thanksgiving holiday, i hereby declare twilight as the first annual 2009 eo2l golden turkey award winner. as further evidence of it deserving such a prestigious honor, i give you the top 5 silliest things about twilight.

5. vegetarian vampires. edward and his family drink deer’s blood and refer to themselves as ‘vegetarian’ vampires. since neither vampires nor vegetarians drink deer’s blood, neither term is really very accurate. also… what happens if they accidentally leave a deer close to death, but not completely drained? i am hopeful that new moon‘s plot revolves around a blood-sucking fawn preying on the local high school populace.

4. this moment. i haven’t read the books, so i can’t explain in detail what the intended interpretation of this moment in the film is, but my best guess is this: edward catches a whiff of bella’s hairspray, gets a sudden and surprising erection and then throws up in his mouth. given that he’s a high school boy, as far as first reactions to meeting a girl go, that’s not really that horrible.

3. spider monkey. “you’d better hold on tight, spider monkey.” as horrible as that line is, it was almost worse as these were two of the other six possible options (i kid you not) given to the actors. with writing this solid, the movie was pretty much guaranteed to become the cultural phenomena we are witness to today.

Edward: Wrap your legs around me like a spider monkey.
Bella: Done.

Edward: Got a good grip? Don’t let go.
Bella: No chance of that, buddy.

2. vampire baseball. i may be alone in this opinion, but there are few things as funny as watching vampires hop around the grass and leap into the sky like coked-up flying squirrels, chasing after a baseball. this concept is at least moderately understandable when it existed only in the imagination of one strange little woman… but the fact that a group of dozens (if not hundreds) involved in the making of this film took that idea off the page, thought it was wise to put it on film and carried through with it is truly inexplicable.

1. sparkly vampires. i’m not one of those purists that says ‘you cannot tinker with vampire mythology’… as far as i’m concerned, tinker away. some of my favorite vampire films (e.g., near dark) ignore certain established conventions, so that is not my gripe with twilight. the problem is that, no matter how you cut it, vampires that sparkle in the sunlight like a twelve year-old girl’s blinged-out cell phone are silly. you can say melodramatic things like “this is the face of a killer” while sparkling, if you like… but that’s not going to affect the inherent silliness of daylight-twinkling vampires one little bit. it’s such a mind-numbingly stupid concept, that when i first saw twilight, it was hard for me to believe that anyone could take the movie seriously… but as this weekend’s box office for new moon shows, i was dead wrong about that. i have yet to see the sequel, but i am hopeful that it will be filled with the same silliness and over-the-top cheesiness that entertained me so in the first film and earned it the 2009 golden turkey award.

Films That Defined My Childhood

Jon — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:24:39 +0000

1. Dracula (1931)
When I was five years old, the Book Mobile came to my elementary school every other month or so. I couldn’t yet read anything more advanced than “Run Spot Run,” so I never got all that excited about it, until one day I noticed this big, glossy book with lots of photos and movie stills from what I later came to know as classic Universal horror films. I gave up my ice-cream money for that book, and pretty much wore the thing out. I loved the pictures of the The Fly, The Mummy, and The Wolfman, but it was Bela Lugosi’s Dracula that hooked me more than the others. Of course, I couldn’t articulate why I was so interested in his character, but I think it was his combination of menace and sophistication, animal ferocity and cultivation. As a kid, it gave me a whole new way to think about the monsters that I thought lurked beneath my bed. Even though I begged them, my parents never did let me actually watch Browning’s Dracula until I was much older, but Bela Lugosi’s strange portrayal captivated my childhood imagination for years.

2. The Omen (1976)
I was around ten years old when this film started making its way into the movie of the week circuit, and one weekend I stayed up late and sneaked into my parent’s basement to watch it. I remember thinking the story was a little boring and hard to follow, until I realized that the kid in the film was not human, and this his parents were probably going to have to kill him. As an adult, I really don’t care for this film, but as a kid, it was shocking to think about the fact that the relationship between children and adults can be violent and antagonistic. And I can distinctly remember spending hours the next day in front of the bathroom mirror looking for a 666 birth-mark hidden deep in my scalp.

3. The Shining (1980)
I grew up in a rural town, so it was a really big deal when we finally got cable one summer. As part of a promotional package, we got two free weeks of Showtime, which I pretty much watched non-stop. Most of the time, I’d gather the neighborhood boys to watch Emmanuel, but one day in the middle of the week I decided to watch The Shining by myself. It might have been the creepy music, the claustrophobic setting, the story’s uncanny blend of real-life and supernatural threats, or the fact that much of the film is from Danny’s point-of-view, but The Shining effed me up like no film ever has, or likely ever will again. Even though this film scarred my fragile adolescent psyche, it had at least one positive effect. For the rest of the summer, I dreaded being inside or in any kind of confined space, so I spent most of my remaining free time learning to play baseball. It turned out to be a pretty good summer. Still, like Danny’s insatiable curiosity to peak behind door #237, I knew I’d never get rid of my new-found need to see if the next horror film would scare me as badly as The Shining.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Around the age of thirteen, I discovered slashers and rented every one of them I could find at the local video store. I came to love all that low-budget gore, cheesy dialogue, and lurid stories about relentless killers and intrepid teenage survivors. And then I rented The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was unlike any slasher I had ever seen. It didn’t follow any of the conventions, and it didn’t even seem like a movie at all, but an hour and twenty minutes of raw, uncut screaming and brutality. I didn’t have enough savvy at the time to understand that Hooper used a deliberate “documentary” aesthetic to give the film a kind of gritty naturalism. But I did learn that when it comes to horror films, the rules of conventional story-telling or standard decency don’t always apply, and that no other genre of film could be more thrilling.

5. Return of the Living Dead (1985)
As a teenager, I learned so many things from this film. First, I learned that zombie films aren’t just gory social commentary about our own inhumanity, but can be smart, funny, and provocative, all at the same time. Second, I learned that punk rockers have the coolest nicknames, i.e., Trash, Scuz, Spider, and Suicide. Third, I learned that no matter how much I would come to hate my after-school job as a bag boy, it couldn’t get any worse than Freddy’s first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company. And finally, I learned that 1985 was THE year that defined the zeitgeist of that decade, but NOT because of The Breakfast Club. For me, the 80s will always be best defined by The Return of the Living Dead. In fact, this film is unique to this list in that none of the above films still scare me like they did when I was a kid, but this one takes me right back to 1985 and still entertains me every single time I watch it.

Hammer Glamour Winner

Corey — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:20:44 +0000

after a very complicated and technologically sophisticated random selection procedure (i.e., i put everyone’s name on a scrap of post-it note, placed them in a plastic bowl and had a co-worker pick one), we’ve decided on a winner for our hammer glamour book give-away!

in addition to running one of the most stylish and polished websites i’ve ever seen, micah from reeldistraction.com is also now the proud owner of the ladies of hammer horror book, hammer glamour! congrats, micah, and thank you to all that entered!

for those of you that are not micah, hammer glamour is now available to be purchased at amazon and, i’m fairly certain, other fine bookish-like-object retailers everywhere.

Hammer Glamour

Corey — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:03:19 +0000

titan books was kind enough to send us a preview copy of their upcoming book hammer glamour. the book details a bit of the history of hammer studios before giving a comprehensive list of the starlets that made the films famous. each actress is given their own filmography and biography, complete with gorgeous photographs and images from their films. i’ve rarely been as impressed by the design of a published work as i am by this hardcover coffee table book.

the book can be pre-purchased through amazon or, even easier, you can win a copy from us for nothing but the cost of the time it takes to write an email! simply send an email to me at corey@evilontwolegs.com with something like “I WANT THAT BOOK” or “GIMME GIMME GIMME” as the subject line, and you’re automagically entered into the contest. or just leave a comment on this post (be sure to fill in your email). what could be easier?

win it or buy it, this is a ‘must-have’ for anyone with an interest in the hammer horror films, their history and their leading ladies. or even those just interested in vampire twins.

[contest ended... see the winner here!]

Let the Right One In Blu-ray With Commentary

Corey — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:42:56 +0000

the fallout from the let the right one in subtitle debacle has apparently settled with the outcry dying down since you can now find dvds with the theatrical subtitles in stores. finding blu-ray copies with proper subs has been more difficult, but my guess is they’ll shortly be as easy to find at best buy and target as the dvd version. however, during my search for a blu-ray version, i came across an interesting fact — the film was just released on blu-ray in the uk and their version has more special features than ours. most notably, the uk version contains a commentary track by director tomas alfredson and writer john lindqvist. best of all, this blu-ray is region free, so it will run in american blu-ray players. if you’re interested in owning this beautiful film on blu-ray with its creator’s insightful commentary, it can be ordered relatively cheaply through amazon.co.uk.

True Blood Merchandise

Corey — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 13:09:37 +0000

i recently became addicted to alan ball’s true blood and discovered that, even when it comes to merchandising their shows, hbo does everything right. from merlotte’s server shirts to fangtasia t-shirts to actual bottles of true blood, the hbo store seems to have it all. they even have a shirt that references the show’s most memorable line of oft repeated dialogue… “you’re mine, SOOKIE.” check out the entire store if you consider yourself a fang-banger, or check out the show on dvd or blu-ray if not (particularly if you are a fan of six feet under, kick-ass vampire stories, or just want to rinse the bad taste of twilight out of your mouth).

Splatter: Naked Blood and Botched

Twilight: The Broodening

Corey — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:55:38 +0000

More Horror on Blu-ray

Corey — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 19:58:24 +0000

let the right one in
the uk edition of let the right one in is my favorite of my horror blu-ray purchases. the dvd copy i own has the non-theatrical (read: crappy) subtitles, and all blu-ray releases in this region are the same for the moment. i took a chance and ordered the uk version from amazon and was delighted to find out it was region free. (on a related note, if anyone has a region-free player and wants a copy of silent hill on blu-ray meant for region b, let me know). additionally, this is the only release of the film to include an english language commentary track. it features the writer and director and is well worth the small extra cost to have the blu-ray imported. you can find this version from several online retailers, but here’s the amazon link i ordered from.

friday the 13th 3-d
while the 3rd installment of the friday the 13th franchise blu-ray features no extra features over its dvd counter-part, i find it well worth the purchase for the bump-up in quality of the 3d experience. be warned though — while superior to the dvd, this is still an older 3d process film and doesn’t hold up terribly well on dvd or blu-ray, particularly in day shots and when approaching the extremes of depth. still, this is the best 3d version of the film you’re likely to see apart from a screening at your local art house theater.

cloverfield
godzilla in new york shot cinéma vérité style? count me in. despite my co-writer jon’s insistence this was just an over-hyped piece of nonsense with nothing but annoying characters… i love it. the blu-ray version features an exclusive ‘special investigation mode’ which places a government interface around the film which shows you bits of info relevant to the scene you’re watching as well as the current location of the military, the film’s main characters and the ‘clover’ beastie in relation to each other on a nifty map of manhattan.

the x-files: i want to believe
the simple fact that the latest x-files movie had 0% to do with the black oil/alien invasion/magic bee plot which never made a damn bit of sense made me like it instantly. the fact that the blu-ray version of the film features a picture-in-picture commentary from chris carter and co-writer frank spotnitz and an interactive timeline covering the entire x-files history makes me like it as well.

planet terror
watching a film that was purposely made to look like crap in hd may seem pointless, but i love this disk. as ironic as it may be, all the the scratches, dust and aging have never looked as clear on planet terror as they do on blu-ray. this disk has all the special features of the dvd release, as well as a special scratch-free version of the film ‘just discovered from a thought-lost negative.’ an interesting and curious feature, but the film is probably best viewed as it was intended – beautifully flawed.

death proof
i actually prefer death proof over planet terror, but i think i’m in the minority there — in any case, they’re both beautiful films. there are no special features on this disk not included on the dvd release, but if you’re going to own planet terror on blu-ray… then you better damn well own death proof. it’s the law.

halloween (1978)
halloween is my favorite film of all time, so i am powerless not to purchase it anytime it’s released in a new version, format, or with new holographic cover art. the blu-ray version does feature a new ‘trivia track’ which features little pop-up-video-esque factoids, most of which you’ll already know. halloween is really best enjoyed grainy and dark, which makes me feel weird about buying it in hd… but if i squint real hard and push the brightness way down on my tv, it looks just like my old vhs, which is really how the film should be experienced.

halloween (2007)
apart from the original halloween and the evil dead series, i can’t think of another horror film to have more pointless re-releases and multiple versions than rob zombie’s amateur-piece, halloween. still, there are things to enjoy in this film, and this is definitely the version to own if you’re going to have one. the picture is beautiful and all the special features are here, including the commentary track and the four and a half hour long (!) making-of documentary. watch this in beautiful hd to get yourself prepared to be moderately disappointed all over again when h2 hits theaters on august 28th.

Buffy vs Twilight: Buffy meets Edward

Corey — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 11:05:55 +0000

Vampire Showdown: Twilight vs Let the Right One In

Corey — Thu, 07 May 2009 15:14:00 +0000

A few weeks ago @DVDSnapshot stated on twitter that he believed Let the Right One In was the most over-rated film of the year, while he was very fond of Twilight (see his reviews here and here). @DVDSnapshot runs a very nice site and while I’ve never met him face to face, I’m fairly confident that he is not, in fact, a twelve year old girl. So why would he hold such contrary beliefs to the general consensus of the horror community? This got me thinking… maybe he’s right. Maybe Let the Right One In isn’t a stunningly beautiful study of loneliness, innocence and power, nor the best film of last year. Maybe Twilight didn’t make vampires out to be baseball playing morons that twinkle and fall in love with their food. Maybe I had it all wrong and needed to reevaluate these films using a more quantitative measure than just my own emotional reaction.

I have, therefore, come up with the following incredibly scientific and indisputable way of determining which of these films is the better. I have carefully determined the twelve most important criteria against which all vampire films must be judged, and evaluated the lead vampire from each film in light of these characteristics. For each of the twelve evaluative categories I awarded one point to whichever film best met the standards of the criteria. In order to account for any bias I might have, I recruited an assistant to help with the judging — a familiar face from our Friday the 13th and Halloween fashion reviews, A GIRL. A GIRL has taken responsibility for the judging of half the categories (the even numbered ones), while I have taken the other half. Below you’ll find the results of our research, complete with a brief discussion of why each film won in each category.

(If you have not seen Twilight, there is a 15-minute summary of it available. If you have not seen Let the Right One In, you should really stop reading right now and go watch it. It’s currently available on Netflix Watch Instantly, complete with the preferred theatrical subtitles. So, go forth and watch it. We’ll wait.)

1. Usage of Trees and Related Foliage

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Sitting in trees is not one of the better known aspects of vampire life, but it plays a bigger role than you’d think. In Let the Right One In, trees play a dual role for vampire Eli. She is capable of using trees or other overhanging objects as a perch from which to lie in wait for victims. As they pass underneath, she drops down upon them, much like a deer tick (but larger, and she can’t be removed with a match or hot pin). In another scene, she runs up a tree to hide like a raccoon (but larger, and just slightly less likely to be found sorting through your garbage).

Trees also play a large part in Twilight. Hunky yet disturbingly feminine vampire Edward seems oddly drawn to the trees and is very comfortable resting in them, looking like a much paler version of Merry or Pippin happily riding in Treebeard’s branches. As opposed to Eli who uses trees for hunting and hiding, Edward uses the trees in a mating capacity, swinging from the branches or carrying Bella up into them in an effort to impress her. Edward is still thinking like a seven-year-old in this regard, as that’s the only age group I can think of that believes hanging upside down from trees will impress anyone. Due to the theatrical lameness of Edward’s tree-borne attempts at wooing Bella and the coolness inherent in dropping down upon unsuspecting Swedes like a death-dealing pigeon turd, I have to give this one to Eli. ~ Corey

Winner: Let the Right One In

2. Super Powers

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No matter how traditional or modern, compelling or ridiculous the story, vampires are known to have a wealth of enviable powers. They are stronger and faster than the puny humans they once were. They have the potential to live forever (assuming they avoid pointy wooden sticks, decapitation, excess garlic and/or lemons, depending on who you want to believe). As the ultimate hunters, they are keenly intelligent and more cunning than their potential prey.

Edward is demonstrably very strong and very fast. He whooshes in to save Bella from an improbably out-of-control car in the high school parking lot, catching it with one hand and making one heck of a dent. He has also been a teenager for quite a while, as demonstrated by the scores of high school graduation caps on his wall. He has lived so long by avoiding the rare combination of decapitation and consuming flame; this mix is rare enough that we can expect him to have a very long life indeed. His cleverness, however, leaves a lot to be desired. He is unable to successfully draw the evil vampires off Bella’s trail, and very nearly allows her to be killed, saving her only with the help of his family.

Eli makes more subtle use of her super-human abilities, resorting to them only when she must. She uses her speed and strength to wipe out the boys who are tormenting Oskar, but does so out of sight of the public and the audience. She may be even older than Edward; she tells Oskar that she has been 12 years old “for a very long time”, in a very grave voice that implies many hundreds of years. Although there may be more direct methods of killing her, we learn only that she must avoid sunlight and entering a home uninvited. Perhaps because she is trapped in a younger body, Eli has learned to be quite clever. She convinces a human adult to venture out into the world for her, gathering blood and other necessities, and thus limits dangerous situations for herself. She also has the good sense to move to another town when everything goes pear-shaped. ~ A GIRL

Winner: Let the Right One In

3. Sleeping Preferences

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Since sunlight is usually such a problem for vampires, sleeping eats up a large chunk of their day. But where to sleep? Obviously it needs to be in a location where a stray beam of sunlight through the curtains wouldn’t accidentally light your butt cheeks on fire. There is the traditional solution of the coffin, but for our post-modern vampires, that’s a little on-the-nose. Eli solves this problem by making like a drunken sorority girl and sleeping in the bathtub. She even goes so far as to make a little cocoon out of sheets, blankets and sleeping bags, leading to a fairly sun-free way to dream the day away.

I think I missed this part in the movie, but my fiancée informs me that the vampires in Twilight do not sleep at all. I suppose this makes sense, what with all the creepy lurking in teenage girl’s bedrooms and watching them sleep they have to squeeze into each night. I’ve often dreamed of not needing to sleep, which is a rather ironic statement, now that I think about it. Can you imagine how much you could get done with an extra eight hours in each day? Hell, with that much extra time I could probably have finished Fallout 3 and Oblivion by now. And do you know how good I could get at Left4Dead? For that alone, this point goes to Twilight. ~ Corey

Winner: Twilight

4. Fashion Sense

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Vampires are known for their effortless coolness, and often have an exceptionally attractive appearance, the better to transfix their prey. Traditionalists and brooders prefer an all-black look, but your modern vampire selects a flattering designer label. No matter how glamorous they wish to be, however, they must be ever-mindful of blending in with their prey. If they stand out too much, they are in danger of an encounter with the aforementioned pointy stick, lemon, etc.

Edward really wants to achieve the sophisticated vampire look, but is horribly burdened by the necessity of appearing to be a high-school student in Fork, WA. He has compromised by shopping primarily at the Gap, which this GIRL remembers fondly from her younger and poorer days. I do believe that Edward has erred slightly here, as his family’s patriarch is supposed to be a doctor. To best comply with this cover, Edward really should sport trendier, better tailored clothing, perhaps from sister store Banana Republic.

Not having visited Sweden, I cannot claim extensive knowledge of what is fashionable there, for vampires or mere mortals. On the one hand, Eli habitually dresses in over-sized and worn-out clothing which would be several decades out of style in this hemisphere. On the other hand, as far as I can tell so does everyone else in LtROI. Therefore I must conclude that she has a keen grasp of the appearance she must maintain in order to keep her vampire nature a secret.

So, Edward clearly has better fashion sense, but Eli blends more perfectly with her surroundings. ~ A GIRL

Winner: TIE

5. Residential Invitation Requirements

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I never liked the way the Buffy-verse dealt with vampires and their invitation-only requirement for entering a private dwelling. They’re magically repelled from empty air as though they’re pushing up against a hard surface? Of course, there were far more important questions surrounding Buffy’s world (like how can Spike smoke with no breath?). In any case, Let the Right One In finally comes up with a cool way to depict this piece of vampire lore. Eli can enter Oskar’s apartment uninvited but (in one of the film’s most effective scenes) after a few seconds she begins bleeding from every orifice and pore. I imagine if this continued for more than a minute or two, she’d die — luckily Oskar gives her an invitation long before it comes to that.

So what does Twilight have to say about this? Nothing. Nada. I’m not sure Stephanie Myer ever actually saw a vampire movie before, so it’s not all that surprising that she missed this part of the legend. In the land of Twilight, vampires can come and go as they please — busting up the window if need be or, if they’re feeling more stalker-ish, just slipping in unnoticed every night and watching you sleep. That Edward… he’s so dreamy.

The point is awarded to Let the Right One In for excessive use of a creepy blood-covered child to make one of the lamer vampire myths cool. ~ Corey

Winner: Let the Right One In

6. Dietary Habits

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Vampires really have it rough when it comes to dining. They have more trouble than a gluten-intolerant vegan when selecting a meal at a fancy restaurant. Perhaps they can get by on a juicy rare ostrich steak, but I’m guessing they never touch their fingerling potatoes.

Edward’s family confusingly claims to be “vegetarian”, but like all too many vegetarians they avoid just the meats they find most objectionable, in this case humans. They hunt deer and other forest creatures for blood. Corey rightly questions whether any critters that manage to escape a full draining find themselves transformed into vegetarian vampire wildlife (If so, what do they eat? Insects?). This limited diet is required in order to make nice with the humans, but I can’t help but think that, like vegetarians, they aren’t getting their RDA of all needed proteins, vitamins and minerals. They also aren’t seen to eat very often, so they could be calorically challenged as well. Maybe this explains why they aren’t so smart.

Eli adheres to a traditional vampire diet of human blood. Throughout the movie, we learn that as she grows hungry she becomes more aged in appearance, developing the wrinkles and skin tone of a weathered old woman. She feeds several times during the course of the film, about once every day or so, which is in keeping with the habits of other carnivorous predators. She prefers to have others gather the blood for her, which must be the vampire version of take-out, but when necessary she is very adept at the neck-biting and blood-sucking. ~ A GIRL

Winner: Let the Right One In

7. Tendency to Behead People

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Similar to how a ninja’s purpose is to flip out and kill people, a vampire’s ultimate purpose is to flip out and behead people viciously. That’s when they’re at their happiest. You may find in your day-to-day life that you have few realistic opportunities to behead people, but vampires run into them all the time. Case in point — when Oskar’s tormentors up the ante and almost drown him, Eli gets medieval on their Swedish asses. I’m not certain, but I think it is the older brother of the primary tormentor who finds himself significantly shorter thanks to Eli’s tendency to decapitate people that mess with her boyfriends. In a shot that will be studied in film classes for decades, we see the entire massacre play out from underneath the water with Oskar, showing us only glimpses of the violence happening above.

Edward is also put into a situation where decapitation seems like the most reasonable response. After improbably beating James in battle, Edward knows the only way to kill James is to dismember him and burn the pieces. He instead decides to take a bite out of crime, and rips out James’ throat. In a major puss move, Edward leaves his siblings to clean up his mess while he goes and plays with his now a little more worse-for-wear girlfriend/food item some more. ~ Corey

Winner: Let the Right One In

8. Complexion, Hygiene and Hair Care

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Personal grooming is much like fashion for a vampire; they must enhance their appearance as much as possible in order to charm their food, but they must not go overboard and garner too much attention. Their unnaturally pale skin always makes them stand out, even in this modern age of ozone holes, melanomas and the widespread sunscreen use made necessary by these dangers.

Edward seems to be about as clean-cut as a teenage boy can get. He never has scruffy beard stubble, and is a master of hair-goo application and manipulation. We never see any food on his face or his shirt, and by all appearances his clothes are kept clean. He does have a disturbing tendency to glow like an albino firefly in the sunlight, but he does the best he can to avoid sunny environments. If he were a girl I suspect he could camouflage this unsightly shine with the liberal application of foundation and face powder, but since he is a boy in the crunchy Washington wilderness, he just can’t be that metrosexual or he really would stand out like…well, like a metrosexual in the crunchy Washington wilderness.

I don’t think it can be said that Eli has any hygiene or hair care regimen at all. She doesn’t seem to be nearly as pale as Edward, but it’s often impossible to tell because she’s covered with dirt or blood. She does not have any cleaning rituals to speak of, although when Oskar informs her that she smells, she does take a shower, and we discover that she cleans up pretty well. I suspect that like a lot of tween girls, Eli just hasn’t had enough experience with proper grooming. Maybe Oskar will get her a subscription to Teen magazine and she will pick up some good grooming tips. There’s a lot of room for improvement for Eli, so we look forward to catching up with her in a few years to see how she’s doing.

This one is hard to call. Both Eli and Edward have a significant problem area that could potentially draw unwanted attention. However, Edward has learned to conscientiously minimize his sparkle time, while Eli just doesn’t have a clue. ~ A GIRL

Winner: Twilight

9. Dating Requirements

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When it comes to dating, Eli and Edward are looking for very different things. Eli needs a pre-teen boy who is so abused and neglected that he will hitch his horse to her wagon, no questions asked. One would presume she would also need him to assume the role that her previous “father” had; protecting her during the day, performing half-assed exsanguinations, and helping her get out of town when she draws too much suspicion (the fact that Oskar had a Rubik’s Cube was just icing on the cake). How much of Eli’s need for Oskar’s friendship is necessity based and how much is selfless is debatable, and likely left intentionally vague.

Edward, on the other hand, is a little less picky. He was looking for a girl whose smell contains outrageous flavor (actual quote). Apart from that, she need only be clumsy, needy, have daddy issues and be prone to getting hit by rogue buses sliding around in school parking lots. The fact that Bella’s name means “beautiful swan” is probably also a plus, as is the fact that she’s hot but kinda dumb. I’m going to give this one to Edward because while I find Oskar’s character fascinating, I think Bella would be slightly more tolerable to be around than a eleven-year-old boy fascinated with murder and getting his ass handed to him by bullies. ~ Corey

Winner: Twilight

10. Social and Dating Skills

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Vampires must interact smoothly with humans, both in order to maintain their cover and to lure potential meals back to their vampire lair. Edward and Eli are both lucky that they have the appearance of young humans, who are expected to be somewhat socially awkward and sullen. Let’s examine how they attempt to befriend others:

Edward has an advantage in his family. By moving in a pack with them, he gives the appearance of being popular and gregarious. However, from the first moment he meets Bella, his well-socialized persona begins to unravel. Upon catching her scent as she enters the classroom, he makes retching noises and nearly barfs like a freshman at a keg party. He is also unskilled in the art of complimenting a girl, referring to Bella his “little spider monkey” rather than using any words which might be endearing. Before the couple has even been on a date, Edward stalks Bella when she’s shopping with her girlfriends, turning up unexpectedly to rescue her. She must appreciate the quick end to being harassed by the townies, but Edward needs to learn that following a girl around is not charming, it is creepy.

Although Eli has no social circle to speak of, and isn’t much of a conversationalist, she makes a much better first impression than Edward. Upon meeting Oskar, she allows him to strike up a little conversation. She knows how to play hard-to-get, going so far as to say “Just so you know, I can’t be your friend,” although it is clear that she will be. Eventually Eli agrees to date Oskar, although she stipulates that dating must be exactly like not-dating. This is also not charming, but I find it more awkward than creepy. ~ A GIRL

Winner: Let the Right One In

11. Reaction to Sunlight

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Apart from drinking blood, the most salient aspect of the vampire myth is their negative reaction sunlight. Occasionally they’re just averse to it, but in almost all cases sunlight is painful, if not outright lethal to vamps, regardless of what movie you’re watching. Eli is no exception to this rule. We never actually see her reaction to it specifically, but as is clear in the image above, sunlight and vampires don’t mix in the world of Let the Right One In. We first see this when the woman that Eli was forced to leave alive begins to transform and a ray of sunlight burns her finger. Her skin ignites and burns much like the tip of a cigarette, which I think is one of the cooler ways I’ve seen this aspect of vampire mythology portrayed.

And then there’s Twilight. While it’s true that the vampires in Twilight avoid sunlight, they do so only because sunlight reveals their true likeness, not because it’s harmful to them. Standing in direct sunlight, Edward’s “skin of a killer” can clearly be seen. And what does the “skin of a killer” look like? Well, it’s remarkably similiar to what you’d look like if you gave yourself a bath in this. Apparently in the Twilight universe, vampires intimidate their prey by twinkling. That is so obscenely ridiculous that I’m not just going to award the point to Let the Right One In — I’m going to break my own established methodology and give Let the Right One In two points for having its vampires properly combust instead of sparkling like an eleven-year-old girl’s cellphone case.

(I tried really hard to work a Donnie Darko “Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion” reference into the previous paragraph, but couldn’t make it happen.) ~ Corey

Winner: Let the Right One In

12. Benefits and Drawbacks of Being Their BFF

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Since both Twilight and Let the Right One In are vampire buddy quasi-romances, ultimately they must be judged on the success of the friendship-romance they portray. So, which of our vampires would make the bestest Best Friend FOREVER ever? With whom would we rather hang out, share our secrets, or find ourselves in a compromising photo on the cover of a tabloid?

As previously mentioned, Edward already has a sizable circle of friends. Does he really need another pal? How could we be sure that we were his BEST friend? He doesn’t have any other human friends, so would he discard us once the novelty wore off? He has a nice house and a groovy hairdo, and I’m sure that he can get us into some really good parties. But could we really count on him when we needed him, or would he get distracted and allow us to end up dead in the gutter with holes in our neck?

On the other hand, Eli comes with a lot of emotional baggage that might put a strain on the friendship. She’s obviously used to living alone or being the boss in a relationship of necessity. She’s got some pre-vampire abuse issues that she hasn’t really worked through. We would end up entertaining her at our place all the time, because her house is a mess. Despite all that, I am sure we would be confident that she would always have our backs when we needed her, and we would discover that even though she might not admit it, she would need us as well. ~ A GIRL

Winner: Let the Right One In

Results

Twilight
4

Let the Right One In
10

So by my tally, that gives Twilight four points to Let the Right One In‘s ten. I think it’s safe to say that’s well outside the margin of error. So, I think we’ve put the debate of which is a better film, Twilight or Let the Right One In, to rest. I’d like to thank A GIRL for joining us once again and giving a female perspective on this topic.

Let the Right One In Subtitle Cluster-F

Corey — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 14:16:00 +0000

[lastest updates at bottom of post]

over the past few days there has been quite the uproar over the american release of the stunningly beautiful vampire film let the right one in. the website iconsoffright.com first broke the story, comparing the pre-release screener subtitles of the film to the final us release subtitles. in their article, they compare the translation of several scenes, noting that in the american release, the subtitles have been shortened, dumbed down, or flat out changed from those originally screened theatrically and in pre-release versions of the dvd. as you can clearly see in the iconsoffright article, these changes could significantly alter your appreciation of the film .

what does this mean to you? well, i predict with the fuss being raised, the dvd’s distributor will eventually re-release the film with the original or comparable subtitles [edit: they are]. personally, i first saw the film with the original subtitles and am glad i did – i can’t say how much my impression of the film would be changed had i not, but i do know i prefer the subtitles i first saw to the ones on my recently purchased dvd. if you have yet to see the film and wish to have a similar experience, i know of three options.

watch the film dubbed (as the english voice actors use the original subtitle script, not the ‘dumbed down’ version)
rip your dvd and re-burn it with these subtitles (a rather complex and tedious solution, but should get the job done)
order a copy of the film from outside the united states

i’ve chosen to do the latter, and ordered a copy of the film from the canadian version of amazon. it is released by a different company and most sources seem to say that it features the original subtitles[edit: i've discovered the canadian version is the same as the american, so don't order it]. regardless of how you see it, you need to see this film. so go do so. now. i’ll wait.

reboot baghead jason disapproves of your simplified subtitles!

update 3/24: new york magazine and mtv picked up the story

update 3/24: verified through jon (who had the film from netflix) that the netflix version has the ‘bad’ subtitles. at least the version he received. it would be strange for some netflix discs to differ, but i’ve seen several people claiming their netflix’d dvd had the theatrical subtitles, so that appears to be the case.

update 3/25: digital bits reports that magnolia has issued a statement saying from here forward they will release the dvd with the theatrical subtitles. however, they will NOT exchange them. i think this is a mistake on their part. punishing the people who ran out the moment the dvd was released to buy it (i.e., the biggest fans) is not particularly wise, especially when the number of people who would go to the trouble of sending in their dvds for an exchange would be relatively small. tex massacre at bloody-disgusting.com has some suggestions on how to best contact magnolia about this issue.

update 3/27: i am so jealous i didn’t think of writing this. although i’m not sure i could top the dumbed down subtitle for ‘the matrix.’

update 3/30: i received confirmation from the canadian distributor that their version is identical to the american release, at least in regards to subtitles. that sucks for me, as that means i will soon have in my possession two copies i won’t watch of a film i love. i also ran across the text below, which is magnolia’s internal response to the controversy. personally, i find their dismissal of the problem and bizarre attitude towards their biggest supporters puzzling. i agree a recall would be extreme, but it’s not unreasonable to expect a mail exchange when the fact that they’re making new dvds implies the originally purchased product is problematic.

Yes the bloggers are having a field day on this one. Normally they like to pick on the English Dub tracks, but in this case it’s the subtitles. Obviously online tend to get rowdy and bandwagon mentality without knowing all the details. The current subtitle track is not altering the context of the film at all, in fact it’s a more literal translation than any prior version of subtitles. It’s not a defective or faulty subtitle file. Just more literal and larger in size for the small screen. Both English and Spanish subtitle files were produced for this dvd release. Frankly it’s not all that uncommon to have the subs vary from prior releases, typically go unnoticed as subs are purely a translation of film dialogue. This wouldn’t have been a blip had it not been for one particular horror blog doing a side by side and claiming that they are wrong. They are not. We are not doing a recall or anything of that nature, again, these are not defective. Title came out two weeks ago and general public don’t notice and don’t care – bloggers are well known for jumping on something, making an issue of it and moving on. We have decided that based on the feedback that we will be making a running change, so that going forward (once inventories deplete), we will be making that subtitle version available. Options in set up will be; English Subtitles / English (theatrical) Subtitles / Spanish Subtitles”

update 4/03: i have not received any direct reply from magnolia pictures, despite polite requests for more information. i assume they’re going dark and hoping the whole thing blows over. i think it worth noting that the canadian distributor, mongrel media, replied to me within hours, answering every question i had in full. below is a quote from an email mongrel sent to a customer (see the original here).

I too, was pretty surprised by Magnolia’s reaction. I didn’t know that they were planning to issue a different version of subtitles on the DVD; they never disclosed that to us. In any event, we will release the new version in Canada as soon as it is available with the theatrical subtitles.

update 4/07: here’s some interesting articles i found on this topic:
NPR.com: A ‘Let The Right One In’ Subtitle Update, Or: What Blogs Do Well
Slashfilm.com: Magnolia Thinks Bloggers Should Chill Out About Let The Right One In’s Subtitles
Filmstalker.com: Let The Right One In subtitle farce grows
The Big Picture: Distributor Gets It Wrong With ‘Let the Right One In’ Subtitles Fiasco
Screenrant.com: The ‘Let The Right One In’ Subtitles Scandal

update 4/08: magnolia pictures just started a twitter account — @MagnoliaPics.

update 4/08: even the director of the film has weighed in on the american subtitles.

“It’s a pure turkey-translation. If you check out the net, people are furious about how shoddily it’s been done. It breaks my heart. But it’s out of my control. Unfortunately.”

update 4/11: netflix now has let the right one in available to watch instantly. watch it now. it even has the proper, theatrical subtitles… so you have no excuse to not go enjoy the best vampire movie evar. right now.

update 4/23: not much to report on this issue. no statements have been made. people have claimed to have called magnolia and been told they’re not sure when the new dvds will start showing up in stores. also second hand, i heard from an acquaintance that claims to know some magnolia employees that “they’re not happy about the situation either.” i’m not exactly sure what that means, but i can say that while i disagree strongly with the company’s decision to not offer exchanges, i can find little other fault with the company. they’ve released some great dvds lately (e.g., splinter and shuttle) and they give away free dvds by twitter regularly and seem to actually reply to questions and comments (except, i would guess, those related to the let the right one in subtitles). in any case, i’ll add more updates here if i hear anything else… and i’ll make a new post once the dvds with the theatrical subtitles start showing up in stores and online retailers.

update 8/04: i’ve seen dvd copies in stores with the theatrical subtitles. no blu-rays yet, but the uk version has been released and can be ordered online (it also features an english language commentary track no available elsewhere).

Corey’s Best of 2008

Corey — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:20:00 +0000

for me, january has always been a month for drinking hot cocoa, bundling up tightly in multiple layers of itchy clothing, and hoping it snows so i don’t have to go to school, class, and/or work. january also marks the beginning of a new year and the end of the prior one. our tiny green/blue planet’s completion of yet another trip around the sun is not only a time for celebration, drinking, and blowing into tiny plastic horns — it’s also a time for reflection. reflection on the prior year’s triumphs and failings… lessons learned and future endeavors… but, perhaps most importantly, reflection on the past year’s best and worst cinematic depictions of mutilations, psychotic killers, creepy black-haired japanese children and exceptionally large lizards.

below is my list of the 2008′s ten best horror films. while there’s some general agreement amongst fans on films like inside and the happening, 2008 was a strange year in that it saw many releases that elicited very polar reactions from the horror community. many of the films that made my top ten can be seen in other site’s list of the year’s worst. even within the same site (e.g., bloody-disgusting), many of the films that appear on one writer’s best list also show up on another’s list of the worst. all i can say is that this list represents the ten films from this year that i enjoyed most… stories that drew me in and/or gave me the wiggins might not do the same for you, but i think all of the films listed here deserve a watch from anyone interested in the horror genre.

#10

[rec]

another in the recently revived ‘found footage’ genre, [rec] is a film from spain that documents a small-scale zombie outbreak in an apartment building. an ambitious news reporter and her camera man frame the story, giving the filming of the entire event a feeling of reality lacking in most films of this type (e.g., why did heather donahue feel compelled to continue filming throughout her ordeal?). less ambitious (but also less pompous and pretentious) than diary of the dead, [rec] is a far more visceral experience than romero’s similar take on the genre. i have yet to the see the american remake quarantine, but i hear it is almost a shot-for-shot retelling of the story — so i’m confident in saying that i’ll enjoy it when it makes it to dvd.

#9

cloverfield

much like the blair witch project before it, the experience of cloverfield was as much about its marketing as it was about the film. cryptic trailers and hidden websites teased the film months before its title was even revealed, leading to a ridiculous amount of hype by its january release. fortunately, the film delivered on its promises… while perhaps not as chilling as the plight of the burkittsville film students, the thrill of glimpsing a godzilla-esque monster in new york from the first person point of view of an amateur cameraman cannot be denied. some (e.g., jon@evilontwolegs.com) thought the main characters were shallow and annoying, but i found them likable and sympathetic. for those that didn’t like it (e.g., jon@evilontwolegs.com), i have but one question… are you anything more than an empty shell of a human being with no capacity for childish wonder, who can no longer experience the slightest tinge of joy?
it’s a huge damn lizard knocking over buildings and eating helicopters. who doesn’t like that?

#8

inside (à l’intérieur)

i’d heard that inside was a rather grotesque film. about half way into this film’s rather short running time i was all, “hey, i don’t see what the big deal is.” boy did that last half prove me wrong.

this is a messed up little french movie about a messed up little french lady who really wants a baby. unfortunately, the baby belongs to another little french lady who hasn’t so much given birth to the baby yet as hasn’t. home invasion, multiple murders and torture ensues, resulting in a bizarre and rather disturbing climax. likely even more disturbing for pregnant women, women planning on getting pregnant, people who know pregnant women, or people whose mothers were ever pregnant. another little buttery croissant of horror further solidifying france as a force to be reckoned with in the genre. highly recommended.

#7

storm warning

the director of urban legend returns home to australia to direct this nasty little “city folk find themselves in trouble with hillbillies” story. jon already gushed over this film last month, but i couldn’t help but include it in this list. it’s a simple, fun country mayhem/revenge combo that everyone should throw into their netflix queue. it also features the only scene that i know of where a character is forced to execute a tiny kangaroo, so, you know… it’s got that going for it.

#6

frontière(s)

i just realized six of my top ten films are foreign (seven if you count funny games, a remake of a foreign film by the same director). what’s up america? hopefully having obama in the white house, in addition to the unicorns and happiness and candy corn for everyone that we’re expecting, will also bring with it something that inspires some much-needed creativity in the horror-related corners of hollywood.

anyway, yeah. back to frontier(s). this is another nasty french film cut from the same bloody cloth as the texas chainsaw massacre. a group of fleeing thieves (including one who is pregnant… what’s with the french and pregnant women being tortured?) take refuge at a bed & breakfast that isn’t run by the stereotypical nice old couple, but instead by a family of nazi cannibals. as you would expect, the predictable hilarity ensues. less psychological and more action oriented than inside, both films are still probably equal on the ‘gruesomeness’ scale. the film’s climax really puts the final girl through her paces too… this is no simple “run through the woods, put on a crusty old sweater and swing a machete” american slasher film obstacle course — this french girl really has to work to get her final girl credentials.

#5

funny games

after seeing funny games, it doesn’t surprise me that this strange little film didn’t do any real box office. oddly marketed as a comedy, and despite the title, funny games is anything but funny. while much of the violence occurs off screen, few films are as sadistic as this shot-for-shot remake of the 1997 austrian film of the same name. even within the horror genre, the purpose of almost all films is to entertain — watching funny games, you’re left with the distinct impression that the director has far more sinister intentions for his audience. the villains are politely cheerful while performing an array of inhuman acts and the victims react utterly realistically to everything that occurs. this combination made me uncomfortable throughout the film in a way that no other film really has. one often mentioned scene in which the film literally rewinds itself is too clever for its own good, resulting in what feels like little more than art school posturing while almost derailing the audience’s emotional attachment to the characters — but this is really the only flaw i can find. the overall effect of the film is terrifying, leaving the audience disturbed and emotionally drained. while not for everyone, i personally think funny games is brilliant.

#4

black water

when i heard the guy who did wolf creek was making a killer alligator film, i couldn’t wait. then i saw rogue and was largely underwhelmed… how did the disturbing and subversive tone of wolf creek transform into the castrated, audience friendly hollywood-ized (but admittedly, still fun) antics of rogue? it did whet my appetite for more gator action though, so i put black water in my netflix queue. as it turns out, black water is exactly what i was expecting when i heard about rogue… it’s bleak, frightening and humorless. imagine open water in the swamp. there are no giant cgi crocs to be found and no silly heroics or sappy hollywood endings. despite stiff competition from rogue (and rather flacid competition from the abysmal lake placid 2), this is the alligator movie of the year.

#3

let the right one in (låt den rätte komma in)

apart from meatballs and the chef from the muppet show, i don’t know a lot about sweden — but it appears they can make really good horror films. given that the main characters are twelve year olds, i’m tempted to say this is a near dark for the hannah montana crowd… but that would do the film a disservice because it’s actually a far more complex and mature film than the midwestern antics of severyn and company. oskar is a bullied child who falls in love with eli when she moves in next door. eli gives oskar the confidence to stand up to his bullies, but what is oskar to make of eli’s aversion to sunlight and slightly troubling tendency to drink human blood? this may sound a bit like twilight, but make no mistake — this is an adult, thinking-person’s vampire film. beautiful and complicated, let the right one in is already lined up for the american remake machine. however, do yourself a favor and seek out the original. now.

#2

the strangers

apparently this is not a remake of the french film ils (them), but i find that very hard to believe given the similarities. regardless, the strangers surpasses that film in every respect. creepy, moody and unrelenting — the strangers touches on the same fears as funny games — home invasion and torture. the strangers is much scarier though, and just as disturbing. and my god — that mask! apart from those based on the face of william shatner (michael myers’) or borrowed from my favorite sport (jason’s mask), this film features the scariest mask in horror film history.

#1

the ruins

i didn’t really have any expectations going into the unrated dvd of the ruins… if anything, i expected another over-produced and toothless teen horror film starring a platoon of pretty upn television show washouts (e.g., the prom night remake). you have no idea how happy and surprised i was to find likable characters, a unique premise and a surprisingly scary “villain.” the film is remarkably grim from the beginning, and i was glad to see the ending on the dvd (different from the predictably useless theatrical one chosen by the studio) didn’t betray this. from what i’ve read, the film didn’t work for a lot of people — but i was not among them. the ruins caught me completely by surprise, which may play into why i liked it so — but it remains the film i enjoyed most this year.

honorable mentions: i really liked all the boys love mandy lane, but it wasn’t released this year. again. even though it was completed in 2006. the weinstein’s really need to decide what to do with this film and get it out already. i also saw repo: the genetic opera, but despite it being a downright gorgeous film and my love of musicals of this type (e.g., dr. horrible and the rocky horror picture show) — i’m afraid to admit (particularly given its near-universal critical acclaim), it just didn’t do it for me. maybe once i experience it in the theater (as it was intended), i’ll reconsider my opinion…

bonus list: best horror video games of 2008

#3

silent hill: homecoming

i was concerned the creepiness and undefinable “silent hill-iness” of the silent hill franchise would suffer when it moved to an american studio. i need not have been concerned.

#2

dead space

story wise, dead space borrows (read: steals) liberally from the thing and, even more-so, event horizon… but it does so extremely well. furthermore, it features the best user interface in recent memory and is one of the prettiest games ever released.

#1

left 4 dead

valve + co-op play + the inevitable zombie apocalypse we all know is coming. nothing had a chance of topping that.

Corey and Jon on Near Dark (1987)

Corey — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:08:00 +0000

this post was written for the final girl film club… read a lot more about near dark there.

corey’s thoughts…

released just weeks apart, near dark and the lost boys are my two favorite vampire films. 1987 was a fantastic year for bloodsuckers. it had never occurred to me until i began writing this post, but the films are remarkably similar. in terms of plot, they are nearly identical.

a naive young man is seduced by a beautiful woman and unwillingly turned into a vampire. the man struggles with what he is becoming versus what he was, as well as deciding between his new nocturnal family and his original one. ultimately, humanity wins out and our hero kills everyone in the girl’s family (except for her) and finds a way to cure vampirism, saving the day and winning the girl.

structurally they may be similar, but their tones are very different. near dark is far more serious and introspective than the goofy antics present in the lost boys. their treatment of vampire mythology also differs greatly, with near dark essentially writing its own rules as opposed to the highly traditional treatment of vampires in the lost boys.

some may prefer the light tone and mystical attributes of the antagonists in the lost boys, while others may be partial to the darker tone and more biologically based villains of near dark. personally, i’m not entirely sure which i prefer, as i love them both. luckily though, these are not the dark ages and, using the scientific method, we may be able to objectively determine which is the greater of the two. below i will compare/contrast near dark and the lost boys on several important aspects. at the end, we shall tally up the scores and determine which is truly deserving of the title “the greatest vampire film ever made.”

caleb

michael

hero

the hero is an important part of any monster story, as he/she usually represents the viewpoint of the audience. here we have michael and caleb, who look remarkably alike. michael takes more to his newly found vampiric abilities and actually ends up using them to defeat his adversaries. caleb rarely uses his vampire strengths at all, instead just vomiting a lot. however, caleb does defeat a whole family of vampires without any special abilities at all, using only his cunning and horseback riding/truck driving abilities. caleb is mostly pro-active and deals with a strange situation as best he can while michael spends most of his screen time whining, running doe-eyed after the girl and arguing with his younger brother. a close call, but i’d have to give this one to caleb, despite the fact he essentially starts the movie off as a date rapist.

winner: near dark

mae

star

love interest

neither mae nor star are a particularly strong character. they both are there simply to serve as first the seductress and later the damsel in distress. both have tendencies to ramble on about nothing and occasionally sound insane. mae, however, seems a little more knowledgeable, stands up for caleb quite a bit and actually pushes the story forward. she also works the short, blond hair better than most, so i’ll give this one to her.

winner: near dark

severen

david

apprentice villain

while neither david nor severen are the true ‘head’ of their respective vampire families, they are the most colorful and active villains. keifer sutherland is incredibly intimidating as david, and despite a bad haircut manages to be cool as all hell. severen has the best dialogue from either film (“first, you’re gonna give me back my spur, then i’m gonna knock your tonsils out your asshole. what do you think of them apples?”) and plays the charismatic psycho so well, i consider this bill paxton’s finest role. this one is too close to call…

winner: tie

jesse

max

master villain

max isn’t revealed to be the head vampire until the last act of the film, but he’s entertaining thoughout the entire picture as the bumbling suitor to michael’s mother, making his turn to the dark side even more shocking. jesse is known to be the leader throughout all of near dark, and seems to do a pretty good job of it (except for a few odd calls to launch large attacks very close to dawn). max is never terribly threatening while jesse is almost as cool as severen from the get-go… plus jesse can spit out bullets, is barely phased by a knife in the mouth and gets to say things like “you’re not gonna look so good… with your face ripped off.” i gotta say jesse wins this one by a landslide.

winner: near dark

homer

laddie

child vampire

it’s never stated exactly how old homer is, but we know he’s an adult trapped in a child’s body. he still reverts to child-like behaviors occasionally (e.g., running to diamondback when he realizes the sun has risen and they’re trapped), but for the most part he’s quite the bad-ass, shooting and killing alongside everyone else. as for laddie… does anyone remember him at all? except for the “it’s the attack of eddie munster!” scene near the finale, he seems to have nothing to do in the lost boys. this one goes to homer, all the way.

winner: near dark

fashion

both families of vampires have nailed the white trash vampire look, but in slightly different ways. near dark goes more towards the redneck side of things with cowboy hats, spurs and civil war era jackets. the lost boys are more punk, with their excessive jewlerly and leather outfits. it’s a close call, but i have to side on the lost boys here… david’s black coat is just too cool for school.

winner: the lost boys

hair

this one is a no-brainer. jesse and the gang seem completely unaware of what conditioner is while the lost boys obviously spend hours each day taking care of their 80s hair band perms and carefully gelled spikes and curls.

winner: the lost boys

abilities

the vampires of near dark don’t seem to have a whole lot of the perks normally associated with their condition. sure they’re super strong, immortal and heal quickly from almost any wound… but the lost boys have all that and a bag of chips. they can fly, sorta turn into bats and, of course, have retractable fangs. no contest here…

winner: the lost boys

vulnerability

while the near dark gang might not get all the bells and whistles of vampirism, they also don’t receive most of the drawbacks associated with becoming a creature of the night. they’re vulnerable to daylight and exploding trucks it seems, but religious artifacts/wood don’t do diddly. the lost boys, on the other hand, can be taken down with a water gun or an antler through the chest.

winner: near dark

cure

if you’re going to turn your hero into a monster, you need a feasible way to revert them back to normal before the credits roll. in the lost boys this involves killing the “head” vampire, which reverts everyone below him back to normal. in near dark the easiest way to rid yourself of being undead is a blood transfusion. neither of these really seem to naturally follow from what we know of the creatures, and both seem a little silly… however, watching max get nailed by giant stakes thrown off a truck is far more fun to watch than a veterinarian performing a blood transfusion — so the lost boys wins.

winner: the lost boys

kathryn bigelow

joel schumacher

director

other than point break, kathryn bigelow hasn’t given us a whole lot beyond writing/directing near dark… however, she is in no way responsible for batman & robin — so she wins by default.

winner: near dark

number of coreys

even if i didn’t share the name, i think any film benefits from having one of the coreys in it. the fact that the lost boys features both of them while near dark lacks any coreys at all… well, the lost boys win in a shut out performance.

winner: the lost boys

number of creepy, oily, half-naked saxophone players

one thing i’ve always remembered from the lost boys is the bizarre performance of the enthusiastic, lip-syncing naked guy playing saxophone at the opening of the film. i know this was the 80s, but i remember the 80s, and this was not the kind of thing the young kids found entertaining. when assessing the final number of dancing, greasy nude saxophone players that should be in your movie… the answer should always be ‘zero.’ so near dark wins this one without contest.

winner: near dark

by my math, that means that near dark narrowly edges out the lost boys, 6-5. i had always suspected that near dark was slightly better, but had never put it through the rigors of an objective comparison before. thusly, it is with the certainty that only science can give us that i claim the following:

near dark is the greatest vampire film EVAR.

Jon’s Thoughts…

Long before Anne Rice turned vampires into foppish French aristocrats or moody, goth-glam crooners, 80s vampires were pure badass. Written and directed by Kathryn Bigelow, 1987′s Near Dark is as carefully cool as it is scary.

Near Dark was released the same year as The Lost Boys, which makes 1987 the best year ever for vampire films. Both films use the vampire myth to explore the allure of gangs, and all the sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll that presumably derive from that lifestyle. This was something of a national obsession in the just-say-no Reagan decade.

In Near Dark, Caleb Colton, a young and doe-eyed country bumpkin, meets Mae at his town’s local watering hole. Mae appears to be a cute, but down-on-her luck stranger. It’s the sort of combination that wholesome boys like Caleb find impossible to ignore. Of course, she’s not the naïf that she seems, and he soon finds out that he’s in over his head when he meets her rough-and-tumble family of violent outlaws, led by Jesse Hooker and his wife, Diamondback. And they’re all vampires, which makes them far more dangerous, and far more appealing. Young Caleb is soon on the road with them, much to the dismay of his straight-laced father, a ranch veterinarian, who, like any good cowboy, saddles up and gives chase.

It’s impossible to miss the morality tale implicit in the narrative of Near Dark. Can Caleb and his wholesome family rescue young Mae and save her from a violent, dysfunctional family? Of course they can, and with a little elbow grease, old-fashioned gumption, and a homemade blood transfusion machine, she’s as right as rain by the film’s end. The purity of the American heartland is a redemptive force. In fact, even though the subtext for Near Dark involves 80s drug and gang culture, the vampires in the film could be replaced with, say, Apaches and you’d have a Western nearly identical to John Ford’s The Searchers, in which a civil-war veteran spends years scouring the American southwest looking for his nieces after they’re kidnapped and eventually acculturated by Comanche Indians.

However, the strength of the American myth is not the real point of this film. The film’s heart belongs to the vampires, and no amount of 80s-style moralizing can drive a proverbial stake through it. For example, the film’s most memorable scene, by far, is Caleb’s barroom initiation into the vampire lifestyle. It’s the one scene that I most vividly remembered years after I saw Near Dark in 1987, and it’s the scene that still has the most resonance and appeal twenty years later. It’s a brilliant piece of filmmaking that is as subversive as it is just plain fun to watch.

Take, for instance, the vampires’ entrance into what Severen, the real badass of the family, calls “shit kicker heaven,” a roadhouse on the edge of town. Severen and his family are brazen and fearless, and there’s something thrilling about the way they storm into a bar so seedy the toilet seats are likely to give you hepatitis c and the patrons would ordinarily be the meanest sob’s in town. I suppose this is why young Caleb can’t seem to say no to their influence, and why audiences always find vampires so attractive as well. Sure, they symbolize a rock n’ roll fun, but more than that, they symbolize the kind of pure, unfettered libertine lifestyle that we all dream about from time to time. For instance, there’s just something irresistible about the “turn-the-tables-on-the-bar-thugs dynamic” at work in this scene. I find it hard not to enjoy the way Severen takes on the toughest looking dude in the bar by first spilling his drink, then spitting in his face.

If this weren’t enough, the bar scene is brilliantly punctuated by some really great rock-n-roll gems from the 80s. Severen and his family make their entrance to the tune of John Parr‘s power-chord anthem “Naughty, Naughty.” The song’s playful, albeit seedy, depiction of risqué and deviant sexual predation is perfect for this film. The song makes you want to dance, even if you just know you’re gonna feel really guilty about it later. The scene also includes the brilliant cover of Little Willie John’s “Fever” by The Cramps. With songs such as “I Was a Teenage Werewolf,” “The Creature From the Black Leather Lagoon,” and “The Surfing Dead,” the Cramps are no strangers to horror films. Their contribution to this scene gives it an appropriate mood of low-key, slithering cool that you know will soon turn downright ugly.

And it does turn ugly, which is partly what makes this scene to gripping and so subversive. In a grotesque parody of a sit-down family meal, Jessse, Razorback, Mae, and the man-child Homer, murder the waitress and then fill a beer mug with blood. Severen dances around the bar before brutally killing a patron and then the bartender with his sharpened spurs. Even little Homer does his part by shooting a victim in the back. When the killing spree ends, Mae slow dances with the last victim, an unfortunate yokel who’s been selected for Caleb’s first kill. This is perhaps the creepiest part of the entire scene. It’s part cheesy prom-night dance, part solemn ceremony for his impending human sacrifice. It’s an unexpected change of pace in a scene that consists of one unexpected reversal after another. The scene is deliberately cool, then barbarically violent, then somber.

At the end of this scene, Caleb fails his initiation. He simply can’t commit murder, and he eventually gives it all up to go back home to his wholesome family and farm. It’s the decent thing to do, and, of course, we all want him to do the decent thing. America’s heartland is saved from the vampires, just as every Western features the triumph of American civilization over savagery. In this one aspect, Near Dark departs from John Ford’s The Searchers. At its conclusion, John Wayne discovers to his horror and shame that his niece has no intention of being rescued. She’s not only a part of Comanche society, but also happily married, so he ultimately fails to bring her back home. It’s a thoroughly ambivalent conclusion that’s missing from Near Dark. Caleb escapes the savages. Still, I’ll wager that most of us who watch this film wish that Caleb could have stayed with Severen for at least a little while longer.

Jon’s 10 Favorite Vampires

Jon — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 01:49:00 +0000

*click images to enlarge*

10. Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula (from Dracula, 1931, directed by Todd Browning)

While I haven’t listed my favorite vampires in any particular order, I couldn’t possibly begin any such list without first paying tribute to Bela Lugosi’s portrayal of Count Dracula in Browning’s monumental 1931 film. Browning’s version isn’t necessarily the most faithful adaptation of Bram Stoker’s novel, but it’s one of the most influential, largely due to Lugosi’s performance. His version of the count is dripping with aristocratic masculinity and is adorned with the now famous foppish cape and phallocentric fangs. Lugosi’s hypnotic, ballet-like movements are still strangely alluring and fiendish, and a testament to the uncanny and the animal sexuality buried beneath repressed Victorian society, which Stoker explores in his novel. Of course, Lugosi’s performance will later inform, if not directly inspire, countless vampires from the Hammer films of the 1950s, to Anne Rice’s Lestat, to Gary Oldman’s portrayal of the Count in Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

9. Max Schreck as Count Orlock (from Nosferatu, 1922, directed by F.W. Murnau)

I like to think of Murnau’s Nosferatu and Browning’s Dracula as companion pieces. Browning’s film is the more definitive film version of Stoker’s novel, but in some ways Murnau’s version is truer to the original. Murnau never obtained permission to adapt Stoker’s novel, so the names and locations have been changed, but the plot is basically the same. Murnau departs from Browning’s film, however, in that his version of the vampire, Count Orlock, as brilliantly played by Max Schreck, is far more fiendish and infernal than Lugosi’s version. Drawing upon the more monstrous aspects of Stoker’s novel, Orlock is more likely to simply rip out his victim’s throat than seduce. Orlock, in other words, is more devil than dandy. Orlock’s portrayal of the count has been nearly as influential as Lugosi’s. For example, films that emphasize the more monstrous aspects of the vampire and use the creature to build a sense of atmospheric dread, including Salem’s Lot and Carl Dreyer’s 1930 Vampyr, are indebted to Nosferatu. Likewise, the “the Master,” the vampiric antagonist from the first season of the popular television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is visually derivative of Orlock’s pale, sickly skin, bat-like ears, and eerily long fingers.

8. Vampirella (created by Forrest J. Ackerman for the 1969 debut issue of the comic book Vampirella)

Ok, I should probably apologize for this one, but I simply can’t help myself. Vampirella is a guilty pleasure. And besides, I’ll wager that while she’s not nearly as influential as the previous vampires from this list, this little vamp from the planet Draculon has still had no small degree of influence. Clad in her iconic red bikini and go-go boots, Vampirella is a comic-book heroine created on the stiletto heels of the 1960s sexual revolution by Forrest J. Ackerman with artists Frank Frazetta and Tom Sutton. Vampirella is emblematic of both sexual empowerment and also shameless exploitation. She has little to do with either Stoker’s novel or the older, folk-based myths of vampirism. Instead, she’s a blend of sci-fi and fantasy action, sex appeal, and lots of kick-ass attitude. Sci-fi vampire action films such as Underworld and the Blade trilogy are in her debt, along with countless b-grade films featuring blood-sucking seductresses.

7. Marilyn Chambers as Rose (from Rabid, 1977, directed by David Cronenberg)

Rose is not a traditional vampire. But, then again, Cronenberg is not a traditional director. Rose, played by the pornstar Marilyn Chambers, is critically injured in a motorcycle accident. After a radical procedure involving experimental tissue transplants, she develops a hunger for human blood and grows a fang-like stinger under her armpit that she uses to feed on victims who afterward turn into rabid, diseased zombies. I know what you’re thinking. This is a ridiculous premise. Well, I can’t argue with that. You’re also probably thinking that this sounds more like a zombie film than a vampire film. That’s true enough, but then again Murnau’s vampire did not turn his victims into other vampires. Instead, Count Orlock brought disease and pestilence into each unsuspecting community he infiltrated. Cronenberg’s plot is perhaps needlessly strange and grotesque, but he is drawing upon the fact that vampirism has always been used as a metaphor for disease, especially of the venereal variety. In fact, Bram Stoker suffered from syphilis when he wrote Dracula, and sexually transmitted diseases and prostitution were embarrassing epidemics in his Victorian England. Add a little folklore, plus an interest in the newly developing science of psychology, the phonograph, and other technologies that seemingly transcend the human body, and you have all the ingredients for Stoker’s novel. Likewise, Cronenberg’s films always tend explore the strange and unsettling ways in which human bodies are hybrid engines of flesh, disease and machinery. In Rabid, Cronenberg is simply exaggerating a latent aspect of the vampire myth: human sexuality, with its potential convergences of flesh, disease and invasion, is both pleasurable and frightening. While I don’t think Coppola had Rabid in mind when he directed Bram Stoker’s Dracula, he nevertheless makes a similarly explicit connection between vampirism, technology, and venereal disease.

6. Bill Paxton as Severen (from Near Dark, 1987, directed by Kathryn Bigelow)

Vampires have traditionally been used as social metaphors. The vampire myth has been used to explore a decadent aristocracy that feeds upon its subjects, the infernal and devilish aspects of humanity, sexual repression or hostility, and countless other social ills. In Near Dark, the vampires are a violent family of misfit outsiders who cruise, booze, and kill their way through America’s heartland. After being bitten by one of the more placid members of the vampire gang, the doe-eyed Caleb Colton must choose between his mundane, small-town life and his vampire-girlfriend’s savage but libertine lifestyle. The vampires, in other words, represent the lure of sex, drugs, and gang violence. This was something of a national obsession in the “just say no” 80s, as evident in the host of other vampire films with similar social commentary, namely The Lost Boys, The Hunger, and, with much more camp and parody, Fright Night. Near Dark has an impressive ensemble cast, including Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead), Jenette Goldstein (Aliens), and Adrian Pasdar (Heroes). It also features the best bar scene in all of vampire film history. Everything about the scene is brilliant, from the irresistible turn-the-tables-on-the-bar-thugs dynamic, to the over-the-top violence, to the funky bar top dancing. If this weren’t enough, the entire scene is punctuated by some really great rock-n-roll gems from the 80s, including John Parr’s “Naughty, Naughty” and The Cramps’ “Fever.”

5. Kiefer Sutherland as David (from The Lost Boys, 1987, directed by Joel Schumaker)

In my opinion, The Lost Boys is terrific, but not quite as good as Near Dark. It’s a bit cutesier and less visceral than Near Dark, even though it has a similar tone and theme. However, Sutherland is impressive as David the vampire, a literal bad boy from hell who symbolizes rebellion, a youth culture gone wild, and old-fashioned rock and roll fun. Michael is the new kid in town, played by Jason Patrick, and is bitten by Star, a member of David’s vampire gang. The two fall in love and Michael must therefore choose between a life of violence and indulgent excess or the quiet and boring middle class life being offered by his grandfather and mom. As other 80s films such as Once Bitten and Vamp attest, it just ain’t easy being a teenager in love, especially if you’re in a vampire film. All of the actors in The Lost Boys are first-rate, but I think the indefatigable Frog brothers, played by Corey Feldman and Jason Newlander, are the real heart and soul of this movie. I’m always charmed by their inept, homemade crossbows, super soakers full of holy water, and steel-jawed, deadpan assurance that comic books might just save your life. This film is also a chance to see the Corey’s Haim and Feldman together in their prime before they both became rather sad has-beens. As with Near Dark, this film also features a truly fantastic soundtrack with songs by INXS, Lou Gramm, Echo and the Bunnymen, and Roger Daltry. Gramm’s “Lost in the Shadows” sends me happily back to the 80s every time I hear it.

4. Chris Sarandon as Jerry Dandridge (from Fright Night, 1985, directed by Joel Schumaker)

Jerry Dandridge is one silky-smooth vampire. He doesn’t sneak or creep into a room; this vampire virtually sambas his way to his victim’s throat like an undead Ricardo Montalban. The 80s were a golden age of vampire films and Fright Night, like Near Dark and The Lost Boys, explores the darker aspects of the Reagan era. But this time the societal problem is not gang violence or drugs, but the dangers of disco dancing. Young Charley Brewster, played by William Ragsdale, learns how dangerous disco can be when he loses his girlfriend to the evil Jerry Dandridge after his impressive nightclub performance. But when not charming the pants off helpless girls on the dance floor, Dandridge does manage to be a respectably formidable vampire, and Sarandon plays the part with an appropriate amount of aggression, sex appeal, and camp. Stephen Geoffrey, however, nearly steals the movie with his performance as “Evil” Ed Thompson, the misunderstood and wonderfully weird sidekick to Brewster. Roddy McDowall is also impressive as Peter Vincent, a washed up actor and host of the eponymously named television show Fright Night. Vincent is a tribute to Vincent Price, Peter Cushing, and the golden age of vampire films. In fact, the entire dynamic and tone of the film is such that you’ll find it utterly irresistible if you’re like me and spent your Saturday nights as an adolescent staying up way too late watching vampire movies.

3. Catherine Deneuve as Miriam Blaylock (from The Hunger, 1983, directed by Tony Scott)

The plot of The Hunger involves a bizarre love triangle, perverse sexual appetite, and more disco dancing. Apparently, being bitten by a vampire in the 80s meant catching a nasty case of boogie fever. In The Hunger, the vampiress Miriam prowls the Manhattan club scene in search of prey, promising them an eternity of beauty, sex, and a goth-glam lifestyle in New York’s seedy but fashionable circles. But there’s a catch. The party never ends only for Miriam, as her victims eventually wither into grotesque, corpse-like figures doomed to spend eternity in perpetual old age. As with all vampire films in the 80s, The Hunger is a cautionary tale against indulgence and excess, but it is also notable for placing less emphasis on blood and gore and instead harking back to moodier, more expressionistic vampire films such as Dreyer’s Vampyr and Murnau’s Nosferatu. The Hunger also features Susan Sarandon and David Bowie, plus a great soundtrack that includes the classic goth-anthem “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus.

2. Viktor Verzhbitsky as Zavulon (from Dnevnoi Dozor, aka Day Watch, 2006, directed by Timur Bekmambetov)

Day Watch is the American title for the second installment in the Russian film trilogy based on the novels by Sergey Lukyanenko. The films involve the epic struggle between two groups of magical beings–the Day Watch and the Night Watch–who must maintain a balance between their two forces or the world will be destroyed in typical apocalyptic fashion. I’m sure that purists or hardcore fans of the film will tell me that Zavulon, the enigmatic leader of the Day Watch, is not a proper vampire. But, then again, there’s really no such thing as a proper vampire. They’re all loosely based on diverse folklore, fiction, and fantasy. Besides, Zavulon is undead, he commands an army of traditional vampires, and he’s got spooky and sinister powers. That’s close enough in my book. These films are a sensation in Russia, but are also gaining a much-deserved international audience. I especially admire the purity these films bring to the vampire tradition. They feature good (day) versus evil (night) with a necessary balance between them, as represented by the hazy, twilight middle ground between them called “the gloom” from which both groups draw their power. One could easily read this as a political metaphor for a post-Soviet Russia lost in a cultural mire as it tries to reestablish its direction and role in the world. But perhaps it’s best to simply approach the films as an entertaining, open-ended, and well-crafted allegory for the opposing forces that animate the human condition.

1. Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium (from From Dusk Till Dawn, 1996, directed by Robert Rodriguez)

I’ll admit that aside from Salma Hayek, I didn’t care much for From Dusk Till Dawn the first time I saw it. The plot is a mess, the dialogue is often clichéd, and the vampires quickly become cartoonish. But something prompted me to try it again and I realized that this was more than a humble vampire flick. From Dusk Till Dawn is part of a revolution in film-making that had been in the works since the early 90s. Tarantino and Rodriguez took art house cinema away from the stiff pretenses of high brow culture and retrofitted it back to the seedier, more fluid aspects of the low brow. It’s not surprising that Rodriguez would recruit a horde of beer-drinking, strip-teasing, hell-raising vampires to help him do so. After all, vampires originate in folk tales and peasant culture, but their myth and imagery can be shaped to suit countless ends. They’re perfect for the screen in this regard. Tarantino, who co-wrote From Dusk Till Dawn, employs this to explore the hybrid nature of the medium he and Rodriguez so very much love. This film is part buddy movie, part action film, part vampire flick, with heavy doses of b-grade exploitation and camp thrown in as well. It makes for a fun mixture. And Salma Hayek is smoking hot. But she’s more than mere eye-candy. The fact that she turns so quickly from sultry vixen to demonic beast attests to the strange attraction that vampires have for those of us who love them. They represent our darkest fears of the monstrous, but also our deepest fantasies about having the power to do what we want, as well as being rendered powerless by something so exotic. Vampires, in other words, are the perfect cinematic vehicles because they represent all of those liberated, seductive, grotesque, and secretly attractive aspects of ourselves that we love to see on screen.