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Stuff I’ve Been Watching — Needs More Cowbell Edition

Corey — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 19:36:32 +0000

THE THING

THE THING is one of my favorite films, so i was understandably skeptical when i heard they were making a prequel and/or remake. i was anxious for more ‘thing,’ but it would be so easy for them to screw it up by trying to fix what was ‘wrong’ with the first film since it had such a disappointing theatrical release (yet eventually gathered quite the following on home video). i remember reading an interview with the director, stating his intention to be true to the original — but that’s what every director says to appease the existing fans, while not mentioning all the changes they’re having to make to try to have broader appeal. after seeing THE THING, i’m convinced of two things: 1) it’s confusing to name your prequel the same title as the film it is a prequel to and 2) the director was not lying about staying true to the original.

apart from possibly using cgi where it wasn’t necessary in a few places, there is very little to complain about in THE THING. don’t get me wrong — no aspect of john carpenter’s masterpiece is in danger of being eclipsed by this prequel (most notably in the special effects category), but i doubt making a better film than the original was their goal. it feels like they were trying to make a smart and frightening companion piece to the original that supplements it without contradicting or negating anything already established. if that is true, then they succeeded. everything we know from the original about the norwegian camp is seamlessly integrated into the prequel. many scenes are almost identical in tone and content to scenes from carpenter’s, but there are enough twists and differences that it always feels like a homage instead of a rehash. this may not end up joining the original as a true classic of the genre, but it’s certainly entertaining and well worth seeing.

as i was leaving the theater, happily surprised by how much i liked THE THING, i overheard a girl ask her boyfriend “that’s how it ends?!? what happens next?” i did not overhear his reply, but it’s my hope he’s a true horror fan and already owns the answer to her query on dvd and/or blu-ray.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY

i was about to start this off with the phrase “despite not being as original as THE WALKING DEAD…”, but quickly realized that would be completely unfair. it’s true that AMERICAN HORROR STORY is not wildly original, as it borrows shamelessly from well-known genre classics and recent horror successes. however, despite being incredibly compelling, THE WALKING DEAD is an even worse offender, stealing unabashedly from only one coffer (george romero’s), while AMERICAN HORROR STORY at least has the decency to spread its thievery around, often sprinkling pilfered bits from john carpenter, stanley kubrick, and alfred hitchcock evenly about, often in the same episode.

most of the time, the show’s tendency to reference other horror films works, coming across not as laziness or plagiarism — but as a type of horror short-hand. in the most recent episode, the intentions of three home intruders is immediately communicated to the audience in a blink of an eye, not through lengthy exposition but by simply emulating the most famous shot from THE STRANGERS. earlier in the same episode during a flashback set in the 1960s, the familiar violin strings from the score of PSYCHO instantly place us in the correct decade and and convey the intentions of an uninvited guest.

the show’s opening credit may be a little too reminiscent of SE7EN’s famous credit sequence, but minor gripes aside, this is a show you should definitely be watching. i don’t know how long they can keep it up, but so far the haunted house story they are telling has kept me riveted and guessing at every turn, and is scarier, sexier and more unnerving than anything horror television has ever seen. similar to the maturity level seen in DEXTER and TRUE BLOOD, but lacking the lightheartedness and comedy those shows occasionally exhibit, AMERICAN HORROR STORY is a hard-edged series that shows a willingness to push the envelope and go to places that even recent horror feature films seem afraid to.

THE WALKING DEAD

along with everyone else in the world, this week i also watched the season premiere of THE WALKING DEAD. once we get to episodes that frank darabont had little to no input on, i’m afraid the show will take a nosedive, but if they can somehow maintain the quality shown in this first episode, then there will be nothing to worry about. you can already see the impact of the budget cuts in a few questionable cgi effects shots, but other than that, there is little to complain about in this season’s opener.

i will, however, complain about how amc is handling suddenly being in possession of an incredibly successful show. in addition to slashing the budget despite growing success and running off the man who created the damn thing, they also became the first company i know of to greedily double-dip the home video release of a show’s first season before the second season even aired.

behind-the-scenes drama aside, the show is fantastic. and it has also spawned one of the more brilliant parodies in recent memory, which you can see below.

THE WALKEN DEAD

Great Horror Films That I Will Never See Again

Jon — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 17:18:11 +0000

I’ve watched James Whale’s Frankenstein every year for the past twenty years. I recently re-watched all the Saw films in preparation for the final installment. I watched Dagon again over the weekend simply because it was released to Netflix’s “watch instantly” option. However, there are a few great horror films that I can safely say I’ll never see again. These are not “bad” films. They’re all important milestones in horror cinema that were worth watching, even if I’ll never watch them again.

1. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

In terms of film history, this is a must-see for any horror fan, as it’s the prototype for films such as Hostel, Saw, and all the found-footage films that are popular right now. For all its grainy, trashy aesthetics, Cannibal Holocaust is actually far more intelligent and deliberate than it sometimes appears to be. In some ways, the film is a cogent parody of the Western world’s assumptions about native culture, as well as the problematic role of media. That being said, it’s a deeply disturbing film, largely because the director employs real violence to animals as an analog to the fake violence to humans. It’s incredibly gut-wrenching and effective, and also blatantly unethical. I’ll never watch this film again.

2. Scream (1996)

Let me begin by stressing that I like this film if for no other reason than it famously revitalized the slasher genre in the 1990s. It also made horror mainstream by using an all-star cast, and like every other teenage boy in the 90s, I loved every second that Neve Campbell was on screen. It also gave horror a then-needed dose of wit and tongue-in-cheek self-reflection. At its heart, Scream is a horror movie about horror movies. I suppose that being so ground-breaking and influential has a price, as every horror film that followed for a very long time had a similar tone and technique. I love Cherry Falls (a better sequel to Scream than the actual sequels) and the more recent meta-film Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. Scream paved the way for both of these films. And I’m sure I’ll watch Scream 4 when it hits theaters, if only to reminisce about my younger days as a horror fan. But I’ll likely never watch the original Scream again, because all the irony and punch of it is long gone, thanks in part to the rise of the Scary Movie franchise, which thoroughly lampooned everything that was once pithy and subtle about Scream.

3. The Blair Witch Project (1999)

This movie had me cowering in my seat when I saw it in the theater. I’d never seen anything quite like it, as it was one of the first horror films to really make extensive use of shaky-cam, found-footage style film-making in a way that was more realistic and immersive than Cannibal Holocaust. But, like the meta-narrative style of Scream, all of this has been copied and rehashed to the point that its lost its effectiveness. I tried watching The Blair Witch Project again, hoping to recapture that feeling I had when I saw it for the first time. But the twigs tied up in a knot just seemed silly the second time, and the blurry, indiscriminate shapes and sounds were annoying instead of scary, and the amateur acting seemed puerile. Of course, it’s an important film, and it proves that film-makers should be innovative and try new things. But it also means that there’s no real and permanent substitute for having things like a polished script, professional acting, refined cinematography, and the other timeless elements of good film. If there’s another sequel to The Blair Witch Project that has all of those things, then I’ll watch it. Otherwise, I’m finished with this franchise.

4. The Amityville Horror (1979)

This is another film that scared the loving bejeesus out of me as a kid. This is probably because children think of their homes as being both the center of their world, as well as a very safe place to be. So there was something about the idea of a haunted house, with its dark and sinister inner room (the famous “red room”) that turned my adolescent mind upside down. For a long time, it made me afraid to go in the basement of my own house. I saw the film again as an adult and I had two reactions. It’s actually an incredibly slow and boring film, and James Brolin must have been the hairiest, manliest actor in the 70s. The dude belongs in a Brawny paper-towel commercial. I’m glad I saw this film as a kid, but now that I’m an adult, I’ll never see it again.

5. Suspiria (1977), or any of Argento’s films

I’ve loved every Dario Argento movie that I’ve ever seen, including Suspiria. I’m even a big fan of Jenifer and Pelts, his controversial installments in the sadly defunct Masters of Horror series. Suspiria is a well-crafted, exquisitely paced, and beautifully shot film, with choreographed color palettes and carefully orchestrated music. But I’ll never see it again, because I really don’t need to. Argento keeps making the same movie over and over, whether he’s exploring the secret, evil world of dance, or the secret, evil world of the fur trade. They all look and feel about the same, so I’ll never watch Suspiria again, and wait for the next Argento movie instead.

6. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

I have the utmost respect for this movie. And I’m a little surprised myself that it’s on this list, as I could watch the original Night of the Living Dead every night of the week. And Dawn of the Dead is a smart zombie film with lots of important stuff to say. But I tried watching it again a while back, and, as much as it pains me to say this, it’s really kinda boring. I’d forgotten how slowly paced it is, or how there’s a long sequence of events that we have to muddle through before we get to the good stuff in the shopping mall. This might not be fair, but I also can’t help but compare it to Zack Snyder’s 2004 remake. It’s derivative, of course, of Romero’s work, and indebted to it in every way imaginable. But its pacing is perfect, the characters are all interesting, the tone and editing are contemplative but also relentless, and it has a soundtrack that includes the punk-rock poet Jim Carroll and the one-and-only Johnny Cash. What’s not to love? It’s the better film. And I’ll never watch Romero’s Dawn of the Dead again because of it.

Best. Game Trailer. Ever.

Corey — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 22:02:54 +0000

if this were a movie, i would watch it. if it were a food, i would eat it. if it were a business venture, i would invest in it. as it turns out, it’s a video game called DEAD ISLAND — so when it’s released, i will play it.

The Horrors of Garbage Pail Kids

Corey — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:46:01 +0000

most of us discovered our love of horror early in life, and the reasons for this probably aren’t that hard to determine. apart from the obvious ‘things that traumatize us as children become sources of attraction in adulthood’ concept, there’s the simple fact that the horror genre is considered somewhat taboo, and kids love things that they’re not supposed to be exposed to. films and music are the obvious childhood battlegrounds for challenging your parent’s authority, but they are far from the only ones. toys, candy and collectibles also feature items designed to gross-out parents, teachers and sensitive classmates (here’s a good list of candy examples).

from my own childhood, the item i remember most that seemed to serve no other purpose than to gross out those around you was ‘garbage pail kids’ collectible cards. designed as sort of an “eff you” to both the baseball cards our fathers once collected and, obviously, the ‘cabbage patch kid’ mania sweeping the nation in the mid 1980s, these cards were the must-have item when i was eleven. each card featured a cartoon image of a child experiencing some sort of trauma, torture, fatal injury or performing some similarly heinous act themselves. under that picture would be the child’s name, which was usually some sort of bad pun, rhyme or alliteration. a good example of this is ‘blown joan.’

there were usually two variations of each card, each with the same image but a different name (e.g. ‘blown joan’ is also known as ‘curly shirley’). the cards pretty much grossed out anyone who saw them (including the kids who bought them). which was, of course, awesome. how they were able to release images of children either in the process of dying or already dead is beyond me, but the cards were very popular through the late 1980s and early 1990s, and have actually seen a resurgence as new cards and retro releases of the originals have been produced in the last few years. i found several sites that catalog all the cards, so this weekend i spent quite a while looking through every single garbage pail kids card ever released, pulling out those that either directly reference horror films or are based heavily on horror themes. below is the fruit of that labor, so take a stroll with me down horror-nostalgia-gross-out lane…

not many of the cards directly references slasher films, but two notable exceptions are ‘slasher asher’ (aka ‘claude flesh’) and ‘hollow wayne’ (aka ‘jacqueline lantern’).

when i was a kid, having a ‘garbage pail kids’ card with your name was the ultimate in coolness (which is probably why they released at least two names for every card). unfortunately there was never a ‘corey’ card as i was growing up (the closest thing was ‘cory on the cob’), but in the new cards there are two! now if only i was eleven again, these would both go front-and-center on my trapper keeper.

if you want to look at more cards or search for your own name, the three sites below will allow you to do both of those things.

Horror Makes for Good Social Commentary – Except When it Doesn’t

Jon — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:09:23 +0000

Horror has always been a vehicle for social commentary. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein is a metaphor for how our prejudices and moral failures create our own monsters in our own image. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a famous metaphor for cold war hysteria. Still, not every horror film is up to the task of serious social commentary, no matter how hard it tries. Here are a few examples of horror films as social commentary that work, as well as a few that don’t.

1. Alien incarceration is a good metaphor for the evils of racism.
(District 9, 2009)

I still can’t get over how good this movie is. It’s a textbook example of how to properly make the most out of faux-documentary storytelling and filmmaking. The film was adapted from a 2005 short film called Alive in Joburg, and inspired by events that took place in District 6 in Cape Town during South Africa’s apartheid era. The film movingly explores the effects of xenophobia and forced segregation as one of the chief bureaucrats who oversees District 9 is forced to live as a hunted and despised alien. In doing so, not only does he learn to have compassion for those who have been so unfairly oppressed, but regains his own humanity, even as he transforms into an alien himself. At the same time, we learn to sympathize with the alien Christopher Johnson and his young son, both of whom simply want to go home. They’re far more decent and sympathetic than those who oppress them. Honestly, I haven’t been that emotionally invested in a film in years. It’s a deeply moving and thoughtful metaphor for just how much we lose ourselves when we hate those who are different from us.

2. An alien invasion is not a good metaphor for Mexican immigration.
(Monsters, 2010)

Monsters wants to be District 9. But I have seen District 9. I love District 9. And Monsters, you are no District 9. If you pretend that Monsters is just a monster movie with no other agenda, then it works fine. The effects are good (but sparse), the story is good, and it involves likeable and interesting characters who have to sneak past a quarantine zone where Earthlings have just had their butts kicked by giant, squid-like monsters. The quarantine zone happens to be Mexico, and the protagonists are desperate to sneak into the U.S. by any means necessary. Their plight warrants a lot of sympathy and has obvious analogies with immigration along the US-Mexican border. Had the film stopped here, I would have been fine with it, but this is where it gets confusing. We’re meant, I think, to agree with the protagonists who begin to realize that the aliens are misunderstood, and are actually beautiful — if you find giant, slithering, crevice-probing tentacles to be beautiful. Call me old-fashioned, but I think they’re horrifying. And these aliens also have the habit of leaving their eggs stuck to the sides of every tree in every forest they slither through. The overall message is that we should be peaceable and ecologically friendly, and just live and let live when it comes to tolerating the interplanetary aliens among us. I’m as liberal as they come, and a literal card carrying member of both the ACLU and the Sierra Club. I believe in saving the planet, preserving the environment, and keeping our borders open for fair and legal immigration. But I wanted the US military to nuke those squishy, disgusting aliens back to whatever planet they came from. As a monster film, this was very good. As a metaphor for how we should rethink our immigration policies, using the aliens in this film was just plain crazy.

3. Zombies are a good metaphor for mindless consumerism.
(Dawn of the Dead, 1978)

Zombies have always tapped into the fear that we’re all little more than flesh and bone with nothing more noble or spiritual to animate us or guide our behavior. Zombies are terrifying because, as Barbara puts it the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead, “we are them and they are us.” This idea reached its apex in George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, in which mindless, suburban consumerism is explored through the vehicle of a zombie infested shopping mall. I was a teenager in the 80s, so mall culture is a part of my DNA, but after watching this film, I do feel a little guilty whenever I mindlessly wander around one with an Orange Julius in hand.

4. Zombies are not a good metaphor for new media/blogging.
(Diary of the Dead, 2007)

Romero once said that whenever he sees a social problem, he sticks a zombie to it in order to explore it. But it doesn’t always work. I actually agree with the premise of Diary of the Dead. I love the ephemeral pleasures of YouTube as much as the next guy, and I think blogging is a great form of community-building and political empowerment. But blogging is no substitute for professional journalism, and thinking that it is could make us ill-informed, intellectually lazy, and socially disconnected. That’s a great theme that great writers such as Noam Chomsky and Neil Postman explore in-depth in their numerous books and essays. Sadly, this theme doesn’t make for a great zombie movie. Throughout this awful, unwatchable mess of a film, we’re supposed to want the characters to stop filming and do something to save their fellow human beings. We’re supposed to want them to be more connected to reality instead of their private, mediated version of it. Instead, I wanted to scream at Romero to connect with his audience by making a real zombie movie.

5 .Vampirism is a good metaphor for venereal disease.
(Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)

Bram Stoker suffered from syphilis when he wrote the book that forever established the vampire as an icon of horror. His version of the vampire is sexy, seductive, and diseased. Vampires had long been repulsive and fearsome, but Stoker made them equally attractive, and I think it’s this capacity of eliciting both of those powerful emotions at once that makes the modern vampire so captivating. Francis Coppola’s rendition of Stoker’s novel makes this clear, as his Dracula is both a demonic fiend and also a debonair but diseased man of civilization (or “syphilization,” as Van Helsing puns). Coppola pushes that metaphor about as far as he can by linking vampirism with the stigma of HIV, but it works. Near Dark is another example of how well this metaphor works in exploring the ravages and allure of disease. Behind their fangs, the vampires in Near Dark are really sex-crazed, drug addicts in desperate need of medical treatment, if only they would stop partying long enough to take that first step and admit they have a problem.

6. Vampirism is not a good metaphor for the moodiness of teenage love.
(Twilight, 2008)

Romeo and Juliet, The Breakfast Club and Freaks and Geeks are notable exceptions to the general rule that teenage drama is boring and trivial. There’s a fancy neurological term for why things seem so disproportionally melodramatic when you’re a teenager. It has something to do with the still developing neural pathways of the teenage brain. Of course, there have been some notable adolescent vampires – Homer in Near Dark and Eli from Let the Right One In are obvious examples. But those characters work because they’re adults stuck in a child’s body. They have real problems. The vampires in Twilight are perpetual adolescents with high school problems. Being stuck in that stage of emotional and intellectual retardation is, I suppose, horrifying. But vampirism is not a good metaphor for moody teenagers because NOTHING is a good metaphor for moody teenagers. Also, vampires don’t hang out in trees. Or play baseball. Or sparkle.

Happy Halloween Music Videos & The Walking Dead

Jon — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 04:01:05 +0000

It’s Halloween, ya’ll! To celebrate, why not take a look at these awesome horror-themed music videos? Also, The Walking Dead premieres on AMC tonight. All indications are that it buries the needle on the awesome scale, so go watch it.

The Duke Spirit – “Take a Look Around”
This is one of the coolest videos I’ve ever seen. The song is awesome, the animation is stylish, and it has a drunken, dancing devil in it. What’s not to like?

The Misfits – “Dig up Her Bones”
This video is proof that the Misfts were just fine, if not even better, without Danzig. And the video has a cameo appearance by James Whale’s Frankenstein.

The Cramps – “I Was a Teenage Werewolf”
Before Michael Landon got his Jesus on in Highway to Heaven, he was a teenage werewolf. And The Cramps pay him appropriate tribute.

Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah! – “Satan Said Dance”
‘Nuff Said.

The Horrors – “Sheena Is a Parasite”
This video really creeps me out. But it’s kinda awesome.

The Ramones – “Pet Sematary.”
The only thing that could possibly make the Ramones any cooler would be if they sang about rising from their graves as the undead in a music video. And they did just that.

The Final Word(s) in Horror

Jon — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 18:12:28 +0000

Whether it’s a harrowing death-bed confession or simply a final shout before the big finale, someone’s last utterance speaks to that most intimate and terrifying moment that Shakespeare calls “the undiscovered country.” It also tells you something about the person. On his deathbed, the writer James Joyce spoke to his frustrations as an avant-garde novelist years ahead of his time when he asked “Does nobody understand?” And the fact that Timothy Leary said “Why not?” before dying speaks to his intrepid curiosity. It is in this spirit that I present some of my favorite dying words in horror films.

“Jesus Wept.”

~ Frank Cotton, in Hellraiser

Just before he’s ripped in half by demonic chains, Frank quotes the shortest sentence in the Bible in a way that suggests he’s finally learned its unsettling secret. Being in tune with our spirituality isn’t always a pleasant experience involving clouds and chubby angels with harps. Religion is strange and scary. But if we’re brave enough to embrace it, our pain can be enlightening, and even pleasurable.

“Clever girl.”

~ Robert Muldoon, in Jurassic Park

Everything about his final words attest to the fact that this man was a genuine badass. He keeps his cool, even though he knows he’s about to become raptor-chow. Plus, he’s man enough to admit that he’s been out-smarted, and even admires the cunning of his predator. It’s also a statement about the film as a whole and speaks to the fact that they’ve just upset the natural order of things in a way that wasn’t at all clever or wise.

“Become Vengeance, David. Become wrath.”

~ John Doe, in Se7en

John Doe is the psycho-killer from whose cloth all other psycho-killers after him are cut. Even though the lines have perhaps become a little cheesy after 15 years, they made me jump out of my seat when I saw this film in 1995. These lines are unique, I think, in that they serve so many different roles: they are a confession, a sermon, and John Doe’s bizarre method of suicide.

“Choke on ’em!”

~ Captain Rhodes, in Day of the Dead

Rhodes is the undeniable antagonist of the film, but his modus operandi is much like any commander in a hostile, occupational setting: minimize casualties in his own ranks, maintain order, oppress the “locals,” and do so in as cruel and callous a fashion as possible. Of course, the oppressed zombies stage an uprising and have their revenge on Rhodes by devouring his intestines. As they do so, Rhodes, defiant as ever, gives his last command to “choke on ‘em.”

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty…”

~ Brett, in Alien

I’ve always loved Brett’s character. He’s not the sharpest tool in the ship’s shed and seems content to follow the lead of his buddy Parker. But he’s a good-natured, working-class kind of guy. I love the way the innocence of his last words are juxtaposed by the appearance of the now fully-grown alien. It suggests that he was simply unprepared to handle the real scale and magnitude of the alien’s threat to the ship and crew.

“Ok, but you have to take this recipe to the grave.”

~ J.T. Hague, in Planet Terror

I love EVERYTHING about this movie. Every frame of it is calculated to generate as much stylized, bad-ass cool as possible. I love the fact that J.T. and his brother continue their long-standing family quarrel over J.T.’s Texas barbecue in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Even when dying of his wounds, J.T. maintains his defiant demeanor and sense of humor by offering to at long last give his brother the recipe just before they blow themselves up in order for everyone else to safely escape.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Human Centipedes and Boring Zombies Edition)

Corey — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:15:24 +0000

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE)

i rarely get horror movie related questions at work, despite being known as “the horror guy.” the exception to that rule happened earlier this year when i was asked on no less than four occasions if i’d seen THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. usually the questions basically boiled down to “omg! i heard about this sick, depraved movie i can’t even imagine a normal person wanting to see called THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. have you seen it yet?” like everyone else, my interest was piqued by the film’s central concept because it is undeniably disgusting and bizarre, but also so instantly understandable that it’s oh-so-easy to describe to shocked friends and co-workers. the film itself is not nearly as shocking as it’s premise as most of the graphic details are left to the imagination. however, the core of the story still revolves around sewing people’s mouths to other people’s anuses — so it’d be difficult for the film to not be shocking, no matter how much restraint the director used. while not a great film, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is entertaining, well-acted and about as enjoyable as a film about pooping in other people’s mouths could be.

TRIANGLE

part re-telling of an ancient myth, part twisty time travel cluster-f, deciphering an exact linear explanation for everything in TRIANGLE would be a daunting task. in many ways though, piecing that together would be a waste of time… the film is more about appreciating the puzzle rather than solving it. at its core, TRIANGLE is about human subjectivity and the futility of trying to fight our own nature. while you may not be able to understand and even abhor the actions of a future you when seen from the outside, once you’re put in the same situation, you’ll inevitably make the same choice. we’re all stuck in a predictable pattern of behavior determined not by gods on high, fate or a clever screenwriter… but by our own graces and flaws, acting themselves out over and over again. smart, creepy and filled with plenty of “wtf?” moments, TRIANGLE is well worth searching out.

THE BOX

while THE BOX certainly features a box as a central plot point, a more accurate name for the film would be WACKINESS: THE MOTION PICTURE. i have little idea what happened in this film, but even less understanding of what it meant or why i should care. this film goes in so many bizarre directions and is so ultimately unsatisfying, that i’m utterly perplexed at how it ever got made. still, it’s a refreshing change from the scookie-cutter sci-fi trash we’re usually being spoon-fed, so i will at least give it props for trying something new.

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY

i’m a bigger jason fan-boy than freddy, but this documentary is easily superior on almost every level to the similarly structured HIS NAME WAS JASON doc released last year. slick, polished and comprehensive, this impressive documentary succeeded in both increasing my enjoyment of the ELM STREET series and reminding me of why i loved it in the first place.

TRANSYLMANIA

there are few films that are, to me, truly unwatchable — but this is one of them. after less than twenty minutes, my opinion of the film is probably a rather unfair critique because it is based on only 20% of the film, but holy hell did that 20% suck. unfunny to the point of being aggressively so, i felt had no choice but to order the TRANSYLMANIA disc to exit my player and march itself back into its netflix envelope. i was prepared to use force if necessary, but TRANSYLMANIA seemed to understand my reasoning and went quietly.

SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD

I admire romero for avoiding large studio productions and sticking to his independent roots. say what you want about his zombie films, but each is undeniably his own. DAY OF THE DEAD remains my favorite of the films, but it’s been a fairly steady decline since then, hitting a low point for the entire series with SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD. i’m not sure why romero thought the focus of the series should turn to two old guys arguing over whether zombies could be taught to eat farm animals, but that’s about all i got out of this film. i’ve seen positive reviews, some even calling it a return to form for the series, so maybe i’m in the minority here — but i found SURVIVAL completely unsatisfying. it’s not necessarily a bad film… but like DIARY before it, it just seems to lack any sense of joy or energy and seems content to just quietly sit and spin in a mess of shallow metaphors and uninspired social commentary.

Most Memorable Horror One Liners Part One

Jon — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 20:46:39 +0000

I watched the original Predator a few days ago, a film I adored as a kid, but hadn’t seen since then. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I STILL enjoyed it. The characters are outrageous and exaggerated but likable, the story is simple, and the action is well-paced. But it’s the incredible one-liners that make the film so much fun to watch. Inspired, I decided to hold a contest to determine the best and the worst of horror film one-liners. Even though some of these one-liners tried to bribe and flatter their way into my good graces, I assure you I remained objective and scientific in my selections. Stay tuned for part two of this contest, in which I’ll present the cheesiest, creepiest, and most unintentionally funny one-liners in horror.

Catchiest

Second runner-up:

“Dog will hunt!”

– Chop Top, from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Arguably one of the most verbal villains in horror, Chop Top’s dialogue is a non-stop series of insane, degenerate, and incredibly catchy one-liners. The band Primus even sampled this particular phrase for their opus “Jerry Was a Race Car Driver.”

First runner up:

“Here’s Johnny!”

– Jack, from The Shining

I love it that this line was already a famous catchphrase long before the film. But it belongs to Jack Torrence now, forever… and ever… and ever. Much like the way “Helter Skelter” belongs to Manson and not the Beatles.

Winner:

“Groovy.”

– Ash, from Evil Dead II

Nearly every line from this movie is memorable (i.e. “let’s head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch”), but it’s this line that stands out in my mind as capturing the tone and tenor of the film and Ash’s resilient nature so perfectly.

Most Bad Ass

Second runner-up:

“Zombies, man. They creep me out.”

– Paul Kaufman, from Land of the Dead

It’s Dennis Hopper’s delivery of this line that makes it so bad ass. The fact that he says this just as he’s flippantly picking his nose somehow makes his character all the more callous. It’s as if he regards the zombies simply as a personal nuisance that stand in the way of his bigger plans and ambitions. Romero’s recurring theme is that humans are no better than the zombies they fight, and Kaufman’s character makes that message all the more clear.

First runner up:

“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

– Nada, from They Live

I’ve heard that this line was not part of the film’s script, but was ad-libbed by Rowdy Roddy Piper. This makes sense, as I can’t imagine any screenwriter, no matter how tough, coming up with something so unbelievably bad ass.

Winner:

“I ain’t got time to bleed.”

– Blain, from Predator

The original Predator is so freaking macho that when I watched this as a kid, I’m pretty sure I had to shave the next day. This famous quote from that film should be included in every dictionary under the phrase “bad ass.”

Funniest

Second runner-up:

“Send… more… paramedics.”

– zombie, from The Return of the Living Dead

Romero turned zombies into a metaphor for cogent social commentary. Dan O’Bannon turned zombies into stand-up comedians.

First runner up:

“Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are.”

– Seth Gecko, from From Dusk Till Dawn.

This film is mostly a long series of one-liners, but this one still makes me laugh every time I hear it. It also perfectly defines Seth’s calculated coolness.

Winner:

“I’m not great at farewells, so, uh… that’ll do, pig.”

– Tallahassee, from Zombieland

I love the way this film combines horror and gore with humor and sentiment. This quote perfectly captures the awkward and strange but ultimately endearing relationship between Tallahassee and Columbus.

Two Ways To Kill Friends With An iPhone: Axe-a-Friend and App of the Dead

Corey — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:01:30 +0000

i was recently on a road-trip and spent a lot of time fiddling around with my iphone. between games of peggle and teaching talking carl obscenities (which is far more fun than expected), i discovered two horror film themed apps that i thought i’d draw your attention to: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D: Axe-a-Friend and George A. Romero’s App of the Dead.

My Bloody Valentine 3D
Axe-a-Friend
FREE

George A. Romero’s
App of the Dead
$1.99

both of these allow you to depict the subject of photos in your phone as having shuffled off the mortal coil — although in the case of App of the Dead, there is additional implied shuffling since your friends and loved ones are now zombies. Axe-a-Friend allows you to choose a photo and then, by waving your phone in the air, swing a virtual pick axe into your friend’s face (complete with blood splatter).

here you can see the results of loading a picture of jon (evilontwolegs.com writer and all-around-nice-guy) into the app and giving it a few good swings.

and here’s my schnauzer, mulder…

and keyboard cat.

App of the Dead similarly allows you to depict friends as dead, but gives you much more control. you can choose various zombie scars, wounds, weapons and body parts to add to your photo, and the app allows you to resize and rotate these to your heart’s content. additionally, it also include an interactive function, as after you’ve created your perfect zombie — there’s an optional handgun button to splatter their brains.

here’s jon, again…

and keyboard cat.

use of these apps isn’t restricted solely to friends, pets and internet memes though — you can get all meta if want, and do things like…

use george a. romero’s app on george a. romero…

or use the MY BLOODY VALENTINE app on harry warden…

or kill tom atkins with an axe while tom atkins is being killed with an axe…

or, create a cross over where harry warden kills george romero…

or george romero kills harry warden!

as is true of everything related to the awe-inspiring device known as the iphone (each of which, as we all know, is lovingly hand-carved for apple by blind monks from unicorn horns) — the possibilities are endless.

Horror Film Quotes With The Word “Pants” Inserted

Corey — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 12:40:13 +0000

“We’ll tear your pants apart!”

~ Pinhead, HELLRAISER

“I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s pants was purely and simply…
evil.”

~ Dr. Loomis, HALLOWEEN

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his pants with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

~ Dr. Hannibal Lecter, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

“The counselors weren’t paying any attention… They were making pants while
that young boy drowned. His name was Jason.”

~ Pamela Voorhees, FRIDAY THE 13th

“You bastards! Give me back my pants!”

~ Ash, EVIL DEAD II

“When there’s no more room in pants, the
dead will walk the Earth.”

~ Peter, DAWN OF THE DEAD

Make-Out With Violence (Zombie Romance Addendum)

Jon — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 01:05:48 +0000

I’d like to think that I know a thing or two about zombie films. In fact, last month I felt so confident in my knowledge of the genre that I wrote a post about the more obscure sub-genre of zombie romances. I came up with a list of what I still think are terrific zombie romances, but I really fumbled the ball by not including the Deagol Brothers film Make-Out with Violence. I’ll admit that I had not heard of this film at the time, but, thankfully, this has now changed. Not only is this a terrific zombie romance, it’s a terrific film. It has a compelling narrative, well-developed characters, and a terrific original soundtrack. So I feel it’s my duty as a horror blogger to set the record straight and offer this small amendment to my list of “Six Great Zombie Romances.”

7. Patrick and Wendy in Make-Out with Violence (2009)
The film begins with the twin brothers Patrick and Carol mourning the disappearance of their childhood friend Wendy just after their high school graduation. In some ways, the film is really their story, and the way they are making that painfully awkward transition into adulthood. The film is narrated by their younger brother. It’s a clever touch, in that it gives the film both a sense of nostalgia, as well as a slightly distant and skewed perspective. Carol discovers Wendy’s body in a remote field, which would be traumatic enough, but her corpse is inexplicably animated. She’s not alive, but not quite dead either. He takes her home, and the brothers are ill-prepared for this new responsibility. In a scene that is both grotesque and absurdly funny, they try force feeding her sandwiches. When that doesn’t work, because she can’t chew, they liquify her food, but eventually realize that she needs to eat things that are a little more alive. Patrick, who’s been quietly in love with Wendy for a long time, becomes her primary caretaker, and he quickly moves from feeding her, to cleaning her and providing her with fresh clothing, and throwing her a birthday party. These scenes are lurid, but they also come across as almost necessary, as if he’s simply caring from someone who is disabled or sick. Eventually, it becomes clear that Patrick is dangerously, obsessively in love with the undead Wendy and will do anything to be with her. In the end, this is a terrific film about growing up and the profound difficulties in letting go.

Relationship status: In too deep.

Six Great Zombie Romances

Jon — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:38:08 +0000

One of the many reasons I love zombie movies is that they explore such a rich variety of topics, including racism, consumerism, the military industrial complex, linguistics, documentary making, and, of course, the apocalypse. But there’s a kinder, gentler side to zombie films as well, and sparkly vampires aren’t the only vehicle for exploring the depths and passions of true love. So, in honor of February 14th, here’s a list of some of the greatest zombie love stories ever told.

1. Freddy and Tina in Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Even though the smoking-hot, zombie version of Trash gets a lot of on-screen attention, all of my sympathy goes to Freddy. He’s a decent enough kid who’s simply trying to distance himself from his miscreant friends by holding down a respectable job and spending quality time with his best girl Tina. But Freddy is one of those lovable losers who just can’t ever seem to catch a break. He has what must be the world’s worst first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply company when he’s infected with the zombie-inducing Trioxin. All through the terrible ordeal that follows, Tina stands by her man, up until the point that he tries to eat her. In a way, it’s a testament to Freddy’s undying loyalty to Tina that he only wants to eat her brain. Still, Tina has no choice but to lock him up in the chapel and abandon him. Even though it’s part of the funeral home, I can’t help but think of it as a symbolic wedding chapel and, sadly, a reminder of what could have been for this young couple.

Relationship Status: Nuked from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

2. Curt and Julie in Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)
This movie gives its audience a new twist on the classic Romeo and Juliet story. Young Curt is madly in love with Julie, but his father’s job in the military is forcing them to move to a new town. So Curt, playing the part of the reckless teenager to perfection, runs away with his best girl, nothing between them but the shirts on their backs, a run-down motorcycle, a packet of Twizzlers and a hard-on. But their brief moment of teenage bliss is cut short when Curt crashes his motorcycle, killing Julie. But Curt wont’ give up just yet. He remembers seeing a strange chemical where his father works that seems to bring the dead back to life and, of course, tries it out on Julie. It’s the sort of rash, irresponsible thing that any good Romeo would do, and, like Shakespeare’s play, this film is a parody of teenage melodrama in a world that has failed to give them a safe place to act it all out. But this film asks questions that Shakespeare never dared. For instance, zombie-Julie loves Curt, but does she love him enough to stave off her hunger for human brains? And does Curt love Julie enough to stick with her, even though she’s now a self-mutilating, brain-eating ghoul? In the end, love does conquer all, as Curt and Julie would rather die together in an industrial furnace than live apart.

Relationship Status: In a burning ring of fire.

3. Michael and Luda in Dawn of the Dead (2004)
One of the many strengths of this movie is the way it turns into a profound character study that examines, among other things, just how loyal we are, or should be, to our families and fellow human beings. This is painfully evident in the relationship between Michael and Luda. Michael may be selfish and a petty criminal, but he loves his wife and protects her, even after she’s been infected, and even if it means risking the lives of everyone else trapped in the mall. I suppose the message here might be that love always trumps other ethical considerations, or that love can sometime blind us to the uglier truths around us. Andre refuses to see his newborn zombie-baby as anything other than his baby girl and will kill anyone who tries to hurt his zombie family. It’s a profoundly sad testament to the fact that the ties that bind can also destroy us, and that even our best human instincts and emotions can become dangerous and depraved. In a way, that’s what the best zombie movies are all about.

Relationship Status: Shot through the heart. And the head.

4. Gwen and Steven in Dance of the Dead (2008)
It’s now a truism, and something of a rallying cry, that “vampires don’t sparkle.” I would like to amend that by adding “but zombies sure can dance.” At least, that’s the case in this terrific parody of all the maudlin, saccharine teenage melodrama that Twilight takes all-too seriously. In the film, a high-school prom in Georgia in beset by hordes of zombies, which, when I think back to the awful awkwardness and boredom that was my own Junior prom, is probably a welcome reprieve. At any rate, it gives all the high school misfits and outcasts the chance to seize the day. The centerpiece of all this is the relationship that develops between Gwen and Stephen. Steven could never muster enough courage to ask her out, and Gwen would have never said yes, but all that changes during the zombie attack. Gwen has developed such strong feelings for Stephen that she confides in him that she’s been bitten and infected, and then pulls him into the high school bathroom for the mother of all frantic, teenage make-out sessions. In the middle of it, she turns into a zombie and bites him, turning him into a zombie as well. The two then proceed to passionately devour each other. The entire scene is punctuated by the swelling crescendos of the song “Wait” by the British power-pop band Junk. It’s a silly, grotesque scene that somehow manages to both parody and pay tribute to the emotional power of teenage romance.

Relationship Status: Consumed by love.

5. Denise and Danny in Zombie Honeymoon (2004)
Wedding vows specify “until death do we part,” but does that allow for zombie-ism? Part parody, part serious character study, this film uses zombies as a vehicle to explore the uncertainties, hopes, fears, and life-changing effects involved in a new marriage. All of these emotions are crystallized after Danny seems to die and then mysteriously recovers, and Denise realizes just how much her life now depends on this person she’s married. In one of the more moving scenes in the movie, Danny proves just how much he’s committed to making a new life with her by quitting his job and selling their apartment. But their commitment is really put to the test as Danny’s behavior becomes increasingly horrific, to the point that he begins feeding on their friends. In some ways, this is a parody of how much you change after marriage, as Danny was a devout vegetarian before all this. But this film is also a more serious exploration as to how much change one partner is willing to tolerate in the other. Denise’s mother warned her, “you hurt the people you love,” but what is the limit that she’ll endure? In the end, Denise stays with Danny for as long as she possibly can. And in doing so, this becomes a sentimental and sometimes poignant story about a relationship that love can’t salvage.

Relationship Status: Currently separated.

6. Shaun and Ed in Shaun of the Dead (2004)
There are a lot of dysfunctional couples in this film – Shaun and Liz, David and Diane, Shaun’s mother and step-father – and much of the film is about sorting it all out. It’s also about how Shaun finally finds some momentum and direction in his life. But, more than all of that, it’s a love story that celebrates the power of the bro-mance. Sure, Shaun “gets the girl,” and settles down into adulthood, but the film’s greatest triumph is that not even a nagging girlfriend, or problems with paying the rent, or a zombie apocalypse, or even death itself can disrupt the powerful male bond between Shaun and Ed. This film is a tribute to that particular kind of loyalty that guys instinctively understand, even if their girlfriends never will.

Relationship Status: Happily ever-after.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching (Zombies and Demonic Real Estate Edition)

Corey — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 01:38:43 +0000

in my best horror films of 2009 post, i specifically mentioned three films that i had yet to see that might very well have made the list. well, this weekend i finally got to see all three of those films. my thoughts are below, including how the films might have ranked in my ‘best of’ 2009 list.

the house of the devil

the house of the devil is a beautifully shot film that, true to the 1980s films it so carefully emulates, is a slow-burn tension builder with an explosive third act. everything about this film, such as the opening/closing credits, the film stock “look” and the inclusion of dated fashion statements like acid-washed jeans and handmade friendship bracelets are carefully crafted to make this film seem like it was made in the mid 1980s. the film’s promotion has even gone so far as to even include a vhs copy of the film in certain dvd bundles. despite a slow and suspenseful build-up in the first hour of the film, the pay-off in the film’s finale is disappointingly unsatisfying. while i detest over-explanation, there is such a thing as being too vague and just stubbornly refusing to answer important plot questions. add in that the film’s final reveal is a bit confusing and contradictory, and you’re left with a decent little thriller that, while it wouldn’t have made my ‘best of’ list for 2009, is still worth a look. it’s also worth noting that it also serves as a nice cautionary tale to would-be minions of the dark lord: if you’re a virgin-sacrificing demon-worshiper, you really should take up boating or something and learn to tie a damn knot.

pontypool

after hearing so many good things about pontypool, i was really looking forward to it. difficult to find for rental, i broke down and ordered a copy from amazon to satisfy my zombie-lust for what brad mchargue called the best horror film of 2009 and entertainment weekly named the 19th best zombie film of all time. i really wanted to like this film, and as the first third of film played out, like it i did. but then something happened. as the horror ramped up in the plot, it became clear that we were never actually going to witness the horror… we were only going to hear about it. the film takes place almost entirely within a radio station which, if handled really well, would be fine. however, the events being described by witnesses and news reports sound so much more interesting than what happens in this film’s single location with its three ridiculously undeveloped and unsympathetic characters.

you may have heard that this is ‘a thinking person’s’ zombie film. and, in many ways, that is true. the central concept of the film is a zombie-like virus that spreads to people not through bites and bodily fluid, but through language. metaphorically rich, the film uses this idea to comment liberally on politics, the nature of communication and pop culture, and as a reason to pose various philosophical hum-dingers. what it doesn’t do, though, is insert all these “messages” into an engaging, believable story with tense situations and sympathetic characters. by the end of the film, the characters are really little more than mouth-pieces for whatever philosophical or political satire the filmmakers wanted to push forward. at one point in the film, a doctor climbs through an open window (in a building the other characters had allegedly locked down due to the rampaging hordes outside) and immediately begins spouting exposition into the radio station’s microphone. it’s like the writer said “well, we need someone smart to explain all this linguistic/pseudo-science mumbo-jumbo, so let’s just have a scientist crawl through a window and start spouting explanations with no rational motivation for doing so — i’m sure no one will notice.”

don’t get me wrong — there are some good, original ideas in pontypool. mixing complicated linguistic, psychological, philosophical and political concepts, i’ve seen the film described as “what you’d get if noam chomsky made a zombie movie” (if that was my description, i might mention richard dawkins as well). throwing all of that into a zombie scenario is a brilliant concept, but, at least for me, it takes more than just an interesting idea to make a film compelling. with no character development, no scares, no tension and unbelievable dialogue and character motivations, the “message” of the film seems to be the only thing that the filmmakers care about and that makes the whole film come across as intellectualized art-school masturbation. If you’re that focused on putting forward your political and philosophical ideas, then maybe it’d be better to make a documentary, write a linguistics journal article or call in to a political talk-radio show than frame it in a horror film. oh, and the ‘epilogue’ the film shows after the credits made me want to microwave the dvd. and then jump up-and-down on it. and then throw it out into the snowmegeddon that was crushing washington, dc at the time.

i tried really, really hard to like pontypool, but just couldn’t manage to do it. however, you should take that opinion with a grain of salt, seeing as i seem to be in the minority on this one and i’m the guy who thinks jennifer’s body is the best horror film of 2009.

zombieland

call me an uneducated simpleton, but after being disappointed by pontypool, i put in zombieland and said to myself, “yeah, this is more f’ing like it.” from the opening credits i knew i was going to love zombieland… and that proved true all the way through, up to and including the brief after-credits zinger. perfect casting (thankfully they recast emma stone in the role previously slated for mila kunis), super-charged zombies, and a surprising amount of heart for a film so filled with action and laughs, zombieland would have easily made my “best of 2009″ list (likely right below drag me to hell). woody harrelson is hilarious as the bad-ass southern zombie slayer, and jesse eisenberg’s awkward, but oddly likable wuss complements him perfectly. my favorite part of the film, however, has to be the placement of the zombie “rules” within the zombieland world itself. what could have broken the fourth wall and pulled you out of the film turns out to be a primary source of the film’s humor and charm. highly recommended. want a sequel. now.

Films That Defined My Childhood

Jon — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:24:39 +0000

1. Dracula (1931)
When I was five years old, the Book Mobile came to my elementary school every other month or so. I couldn’t yet read anything more advanced than “Run Spot Run,” so I never got all that excited about it, until one day I noticed this big, glossy book with lots of photos and movie stills from what I later came to know as classic Universal horror films. I gave up my ice-cream money for that book, and pretty much wore the thing out. I loved the pictures of the The Fly, The Mummy, and The Wolfman, but it was Bela Lugosi’s Dracula that hooked me more than the others. Of course, I couldn’t articulate why I was so interested in his character, but I think it was his combination of menace and sophistication, animal ferocity and cultivation. As a kid, it gave me a whole new way to think about the monsters that I thought lurked beneath my bed. Even though I begged them, my parents never did let me actually watch Browning’s Dracula until I was much older, but Bela Lugosi’s strange portrayal captivated my childhood imagination for years.

2. The Omen (1976)
I was around ten years old when this film started making its way into the movie of the week circuit, and one weekend I stayed up late and sneaked into my parent’s basement to watch it. I remember thinking the story was a little boring and hard to follow, until I realized that the kid in the film was not human, and this his parents were probably going to have to kill him. As an adult, I really don’t care for this film, but as a kid, it was shocking to think about the fact that the relationship between children and adults can be violent and antagonistic. And I can distinctly remember spending hours the next day in front of the bathroom mirror looking for a 666 birth-mark hidden deep in my scalp.

3. The Shining (1980)
I grew up in a rural town, so it was a really big deal when we finally got cable one summer. As part of a promotional package, we got two free weeks of Showtime, which I pretty much watched non-stop. Most of the time, I’d gather the neighborhood boys to watch Emmanuel, but one day in the middle of the week I decided to watch The Shining by myself. It might have been the creepy music, the claustrophobic setting, the story’s uncanny blend of real-life and supernatural threats, or the fact that much of the film is from Danny’s point-of-view, but The Shining effed me up like no film ever has, or likely ever will again. Even though this film scarred my fragile adolescent psyche, it had at least one positive effect. For the rest of the summer, I dreaded being inside or in any kind of confined space, so I spent most of my remaining free time learning to play baseball. It turned out to be a pretty good summer. Still, like Danny’s insatiable curiosity to peak behind door #237, I knew I’d never get rid of my new-found need to see if the next horror film would scare me as badly as The Shining.

4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Around the age of thirteen, I discovered slashers and rented every one of them I could find at the local video store. I came to love all that low-budget gore, cheesy dialogue, and lurid stories about relentless killers and intrepid teenage survivors. And then I rented The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was unlike any slasher I had ever seen. It didn’t follow any of the conventions, and it didn’t even seem like a movie at all, but an hour and twenty minutes of raw, uncut screaming and brutality. I didn’t have enough savvy at the time to understand that Hooper used a deliberate “documentary” aesthetic to give the film a kind of gritty naturalism. But I did learn that when it comes to horror films, the rules of conventional story-telling or standard decency don’t always apply, and that no other genre of film could be more thrilling.

5. Return of the Living Dead (1985)
As a teenager, I learned so many things from this film. First, I learned that zombie films aren’t just gory social commentary about our own inhumanity, but can be smart, funny, and provocative, all at the same time. Second, I learned that punk rockers have the coolest nicknames, i.e., Trash, Scuz, Spider, and Suicide. Third, I learned that no matter how much I would come to hate my after-school job as a bag boy, it couldn’t get any worse than Freddy’s first day on the job at the Uneeda Medical Supply Company. And finally, I learned that 1985 was THE year that defined the zeitgeist of that decade, but NOT because of The Breakfast Club. For me, the 80s will always be best defined by The Return of the Living Dead. In fact, this film is unique to this list in that none of the above films still scare me like they did when I was a kid, but this one takes me right back to 1985 and still entertains me every single time I watch it.

Horror Community Highlights – October 23, 2009

Jon — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:30:08 +0000

Illustrations for the Poetical Works of Edgar Allan Poe
Golden Age Comic Book Stories
Edmund Dulac’s illustrations complement Poe’s work, but they’re brilliant enough to also stand on their own.
Zombie Holocaust (1980)
Planet of Terror
I’ll give a shout out to any website that rates movies according to these categories: Fear, Gore, Entertainment, Creepiness, and T&A Factor.
Visceral Visionaries: The Cloisters
The Vault of Horror
B-Sol’s photos from his tour of a collection of medieval artwork proves why the phrase “going medieval” means really horrific things are about the happen.
Horror Bloggers Reveal Their Weaknesses
HorrorBlips.Com
Read this to find out what scares even the most hardened horror bloggers.
Paradise Profiles: Mental Kavity
Paradise of Horror
This is the first in what I hope is an ongoing series that profiles the online horror community.
The Thing: Fully Sweded
Kindertrauma
They’re Norwegians, Mac.

email suggestions for next week’s community highlights to jon@evilontwolegs.com

Zombeak!

Jon — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:01:23 +0000

One of the most intriguing packages we’ve ever received at Evil On Two Legs came addressed to Corey Feldman. Of course, there is a Corey who writes for Eo2L, but unfortunately he’s not Fel-dawg. I was even more intrigued when I saw that this package contained a review copy of a new, independent film called Zombeak!. However, I’ve been disappointed more times than I care to recall by independent films that have amateur camera work, poor lighting, cornball dialogue, and little entertainment value. Still, when you’re called upon to review a film in the name of Corey Feldman, you answer that call, mister. And I’m glad I did, because Zombeak! is one of the most original and fun movies I’ve seen all year.

In the film, a gang of Satanists kidnaps Melissa, a sassy southern waitress, to be their dark lord’s sacrificial bride. But they bungle the job so badly that the devil is forced to take the form of a chicken. This might sound like your typical b-grade camp, but the unique and well-acted characters make this film work. The Satanists include a sultry temptress who’s just itching for some demonic loving, a wimpy goth kid whose heart really isn’t in any of this, a flamboyant leader who simply loves the theatrics of it all, and a hairy, muscled behemoth in a pink t-shirt with gender-identity issues and whose motivations are anybody’s guess. The rednecks who rally to rescue Melissa include her boyfriend Bobby Ray who refuses to fight the Satanists because he’s afraid of going to hell “for hitting retards,” the manager of the Cooters fried chicken restaurant where Melissa works, and Bobby Ray’s bible-spewing, head-cracking older brother who commands us all to “worship less chicken, more Jesus.”

You could argue that Zombeak! is a parody of stereotypes or religious fundamentalism, but that’s really beside the point. The film has no pretensions whatsoever. And I love that. And while this film probably isn’t going to scare you, or even gross you out, it is irreverent and quirky. The cast and crew obviously care about the film they’re making, and they have a lot of fun doing so. And all of that translates into a very entertaining 72 minutes.

In fact, I was so impressed by Zombeak!, that I sent some questions to writer/director Sam Drog, who was kind enough to offer his responses below.

Eo2L: Zombeak! is a lot of fun to watch because you so obviously love the horror genre, and it shows in every frame of your film. I could detect the influences of Candy Man, The Evil Dead, and an homage or two to Ed Wood,especially in the Tor-esque character Samuel/Lucy. What other films influenced Zombeak!?

Sam Drog: The big influences on this are John Waters and Mario Bava. I love what both of those guys did with no money, and John Water’s dialogue is just so damn good, and then you mix in Mario Bava for the look. And especially Vascara is a homage to Barbara Steele in Black Sunday. Love me some Bava. When in doubt; rip off Bava. So the Dark Shadows tv soap was also floating around in there, and Roger Corman. But necessity was the real influence. Make something.

I took your film as a kind of parody of religious fanaticism. The evil Satanists turn out to be pushovers, the devil is a chicken, and Fasmagger struck me as a crazy, bible-spewing parody of right-wing fundamentalist. Is that a fair assessment, or am I reading way too much into a movie about a demonic chicken?

Yeah, that is in there, but I tried to keep it locked up in the background. I really wanted the good guys to be fascists and the evil guys to be intellectuals. That is sort of the gist of a lot of movies. There is a bit about belief and how that clouds your humanity sometimes. The evil chicken represents war-torn Europe.

When it comes to chickens, do you prefer dark or light meat? The McChicken or the BK Broiler?

The darkest meat, soaked in the blood of panic! BK Broiler for it was baptized by an inferno of industrial fire! I know, I used to work at Burger King. That is the true hell.

I think Zombeak! is a wonderful testament to low-budget, do-it-yourself film-making. What’s the one thing you’ve learned that you wish you could go back and tell yourself before starting Zombeak!?

It’s only a movie, it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie. Also, have a definite schedule for post production and stick to it. Have an exit strategy. Once you are in the mouth of madness it can be hard to find your way out.

Which came first, the story of Zombeak! or its title?

The movie was going to be called Voodoo Chicken at first, but Voodoo ain’t all bad. I figured no one would care if I made fun of Satanists. If Satanists are sensitive about that, well there you go, my point exactly. Go cry on a goat.

Unless I’m sadly mistaken, Zombeak! is not a re-make of an older film. What is your opinion of the seemingly endless stream of horror film remakes?

I suppose the filmmakers that spent their lives in the trenches, sweated and bled over these now classic films ARE getting their piece of the action too. John Carpenter is hilarious because he just comes out and says as long as he gets paid a lot of money, who cares? So if the icons of horror, the Romeros, the Hoopers, and the rest are able to get a pay day where all they have to do is sit back and count their money, I say go for it. They’ve suffered enough. Let them enjoy some restitution for being called hacks their whole lives. Who’s laughing now?

THE FACT THAT ALL THE REMAKES SUCK! is just more proof how with all the money in the world, the big shots in Hollywood can’t recapture that passion, that lightning in the bottle achieved by the outsiders who with nothing went out and created the modern horror genre. I think it is hysterical that with all their toys and bells and whistles can’t make a descent chainsaw maniac movie. There is no do or die in the remakes. In the originals, it was hail Mary passes to keep them from working at the hardware store the rest of their lives. The desperation and discomfort and passion part of the vibe in those films. The remakes don’t have that feeling.

The “Cooters” restaurant is obviously modeled after “Hooters,” but I noticed that Cooters served southern fried chicken and mashed potatoes instead of chicken-wings. What’s up with that?

Our one continuity error, good eye!

Melissa may be a smoking hot “Cooters” waitress, but she’s not your stereotypical dumb blond or coy final girl. She’s strong and sassy and quickly takes charge of the situation. Is her character a deliberate statement about the male-oriented horror genre or its frequent depictions of feminine victimization? Or am I once again reading too much into a film about a possessed chicken?

Girls are smarter then guys, have a higher pain threshold, and look better holding an ax. I modeled her character after Frenchy from Forbidden Zone, who just insulted her captors the entire time. Also Reese Witherspoon from Freeway. Both the women in Zombeak! are much more the catalysts then the guys. Plus, it’s more fun to write one liners for tough chicks.

What is the craziest/funniest/strangest thing to happen during the production of Zombeak!?

The house we shot in was infested with squatters that we had to run out, and then scrape their feces off the floor before shooting. It was strange just being on the set, with the baby heads and upside down crosses everywhere. It was a weird vibe every day. Like walking around in a cartoon. We are cutting together the documentary now. We are releasing it as a series of webisodes called Behind the Beak. Here’s the Youtube channel.

I’m the guy in the green jacket.

What are you working on now?

Clown Versus Monkey, coming in Halloween 2010. I’m preselling the DVD to raise the budget. Check it out!

Best Horror Film Ever?

Carnival of Souls

Which is better, Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness?

Evil Dead 2, it gave us chainsaw hand, nothing anyone ever comes up with will be as cool as chainsaw hand.

Freddy or Jason?

Jason. He is a wall of evil. A force of nature. Freddy is all magic and shit.

My Bloody Valentine 3D or Friday the 13th (2009)?

BV3D, it had Tom Atkins, it should win Best Picture just for having the good taste to do that.

Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 or The Final Destination 3-D?

I’m torn! I really DON’T KNOW! FD3D. Zombie must be punished for remaking Halloween. We shouldn’t encourage him. However, I am looking forward to El Superbeasto.

Transformers, Cloverfield, The Dark Knight, District 9. Rank from “awesome” to “totally awesome.”

I’m out of the loop, but the best three movies of ‘08 for me were Doomsday, Dark Knight, and Death Race. ‘Cause I’m all classy like that.

Watch Zombie Girl for Free

Corey — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:30:36 +0000

earlier this year, i wrote about the film pathogen and had a q&a with the film’s writer/director, 15 year-old emily hagins. until august 20th, watch the documentary zombie girl for free at hulu.com, or simply watch it below. zombie girl follows then 12-year old emily in her quest to make a feature length zombie movie.

Horror on Blu-Ray

Corey — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:59:13 +0000

i recently got married (yay, me!) and, in addition to several kitchen appliances and place settings, as a wedding gift we received a super fancy blu-ray player. i didn’t know much about the format when the gift arrived, but as it turns out, several blu-ray disks offer features absent from their dvd releases (apart from the obvious bump up in picture and sound quality). rather predictably, i’ve spent the last few weeks researching and purchasing the best that the format has to offer in the horror genre, and i thought i’d share a few of the ‘must-have’ blu-ray disks that i’ve found.

friday the 13th (2009)
the friday remake has polarized horror fans, but love it or hate it — this blu-ray is definitely worth having. in addition to the features present on the dvd, it has several blu-ray exclusives, including two featurettes (one on the history of the series and another that examines each of the film’s best kills in-depth) and a bd-live sneak preview of trick ‘r’ treat. the star of the disk, however, is the mis-named ‘trivia track’ which is actually a full-length picture-in-picture commentary featuring interviews with cast and crew and alternate versions of scenes (including the scene where jason gets his mask). i’m personally a fan of the remake, but i came to appreciate it even more after watching this track.

my bloody valentine 3d
the only blu-ray exclusive feature worth mentioning on mbv 3d is ‘molog’, which allows users to create their own visual blog entries that others can view during the film. i can’t say i was overly impressed with this feature as i didn’t see many such entries online, but that was a while ago and perhaps things have changed. what i am impressed with, however, is the 3d on this disk. while still not the same as the theatrical experience, the 3d present on this blu-ray release is far superior to that of the dvd, likely due to the resolution and clarity hd offers. at least for the moment, this is the best 3d experience one can have at home.

constantine
while a bastardization in many ways of the comic it’s based on (hellblazer), i still enjoy many aspects of constantine (alas, keanu is not one of them). this blu-ray version features all the extras of the special edition dvd release plus an additional picture-in-picture commentary track that delves into the history of the project and why john constantine ended up being portrayed as he is. similar to the friday remake, this commentary is interesting if you’re a fan of the source material, even if you’re not of the film itself.

the thing
the thing is definitely worth owning just to see in hd, but the blu-ray also includes a picture-in-picture commentary. most of the material contained in it is from the ‘terror takes shape’ documentary you can see elsewhere, but seeing pieces of it spliced along-side the film is definitely worth watching even if you’ve seen the doc before.

dawn of the dead (2004)
dawn of the dead is one of the few recent remakes to live up to its source material. the dvd release was loaded with extra features, but the blu-ray goes one step further by including a behind-the-scene/documentary style picture-in-picture commentary track that goes further into the making of the film.

land of the dead
similar to the dawn of the dead disk, land of the dead also features a picture-in-picture commentary track comprised mostly of behind-the-scenes footage. in addition to the typical interviews you’d imagine, it also includes john leguizamo leading a set tour where he and dennis hopper inform a pa that they don’t feel like working and are just going to dick around for a while.

the descent
the next-gen edition of the descent can be watched in one of three ways — the r-rated version, the unrated, or ‘the underground experience.’ the latter is another excellent picture-in-picture commentary track featuring just about every cast and crew member you can think of and does an excellent job of covering the film from conception to completion.

return to the house on haunted hill
while not a great film by any means, return to the house on haunted hill does feature one of the most unique uses of blu-ray technology seen thus far. the film is cheesy and filled with expendable characters, which fits perfectly with the choose-your-own-adventure-esque ‘watch the movie your way’ mode exclusive to the blu-ray edition. at pivotal moments in the plot, you’re given control of the characters actions and can influence the way the story plays out. with 96 possible permutations, it will be a while before i’ve seen every possible version of rtthohh.

Films I Wish Were Real

Jon — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 01:19:00 +0000

I’m too embarrassed to disclose every detail of my fantasy life, but I don’t mind sharing the ones that involve horror films. So even though these films don’t exist, rest assured that if this website ever makes me stinking rich or somehow launches me into a career as a Hollywood producer, at least one of the following films will come to a theater near you.

Prawn of the Dead
directed by Larry Blamire

Tagline: The deadliest catch just got deadlier.

Plot: In the summer of 2005, the crew of Louisiana shrimp boat Laffitte Morte unleash a briny hell in the gulf when they discover a new species of anthropods living off the toxic waste of a sunken trash barge. Lance Henriksen stars as Bernard, the ship’s stalwart captain who must convince his inexperienced crew, including his little brother Jimmy, his stowaway daughter Sue, the greenhorn Edmond, and the mysterious Cajun cook Mr. Savoi, to risk life and livelihood to stop the mutant shrimp invasion before it can reach the unsuspecting fishing town of Port Petite.

Most Controversial Scene: While some may find the sea-monster sex scene merely gratuitous, Blamire treats it with the utmost sensitivity and proves even the goriest of monster-movies can be directed with a flair for the romantic if handled correctly.

Bikini Girls with Machine Guns
directed by Quentin Tarantino

Tagline: Hell hath no fury like a woman armed!

Plot: Director Quentin Tarantino returns to the screen with another grindhouse thriller. When a gang of vicious inmates from Raleigh, North Carolina make a daring escape from the Women’s Correctional Facility, they soon terrorize the small, southern town of Zebulon. Sherrif Jacob Richard is the only man with guts enough to stand up to this Dixie stampede of blood, booze, and blonde fury. After his friends and deputies abandon him, Jacob soon finds himself alone in a desperate, “high-noon” showdown with the gang’s beautiful but psychotic leader, Titania Santanna. The film stars Josh Brolin as Sherrif Jacob, and Cynthia Rothrock as Titania. The film aslo features an original soundtrack by The Kills, The Cramps, and Donita Sparks of L7.

Most Memorable Quote: “Don’t let their bikinis fool you. I’m telling you these women are concealing enough guns to blow this town to Hell and back and then back to Hell again!” — Sherrif Jacob Richard

The Book of Job
directed by Eli Roth

Tagline: And on the 8th day, God created horror.

Plot: Job is the most pious man in the world. But God and the Devil have a bitter argument over whether his virtue is truly sincere or simply the product of his good fortune and prosperity. To prove the Devil wrong, God allows the Devil to torture Job by destroying his house, killing all of his children, and mutilating his flesh. Through all of it, God wagers that Job will stay faithful and obedient. Eli Roth directs this horrific morality tale that stars Russel Crowe as a brawling, barrel-chested Job, Gilbert Gottfried as the loud, funny-looking Devil, and Samuel L. Jackson as the foul-mouthed and wildly unpredictable God of the old testament.

Goriest Moments: In an early scene, Job is tied to a large stone slab as the Devil slices the flesh from his upper right thigh with a large, rusty scythe while his terrified wife watches in horror from behind a nearby bush. In a later scene, the Devil savagely rips each festering boil from Job’s skin with a dull shard of glass as they wrestle in a large cauldron of oil and vinegar. In a deleted scene available only in the unrated DVD version of the film, God gets angry when it looks like he might lose the wager and dismembers the Devil’s tail by pinning it to a tree with a fork and then hacking it with his ceremonial golden axe.

Blue Velvet 2
directed by David Lynch

Tagline: She wore bluer velvet.

Plot: In the follow-up to Lynch’s controversial masterpiece, Dean Stockwell reprises his role as Ben, who is now reformed and the proprietor of the recently re-opened Slow Club. But Ben’s world turns upside down when a mysterious man in a lime-green cowboy hat presents him with a bag of toenail clippings. To make matters worse, Ben learns that his new lounge singer, Elizabeth, turns out to be the little sister of Dorothy, the woman he once terrorized. Elizabeth does not seem to know about Ben’s violent past, but her onstage behavior becomes increasingly erratic as she insists on only singing Jonathan Coulton’s “Blue Sunny Day.” Ben begins to question his own sanity and whether he can escape his past and finally find redemption.

Questions: Fans of this film have been asking about the significance of the singing garden gnome, as well as the blood-soaked paisley tie worn by Ben’s twin brother and the moss-covered tie worn by Frank in the dream sequence. In response to these questions, Lynch set the record straight in a recent tweet in which he said that all questions will soon be “harmonized in an automatic manner in the vision of all the people” and that you can always “know that, by knowing which, all things are known.”

Baudelaire’s Flowers of Evil
directed by Pascal Laugier

Tagline: His name rhymes with “scare.”

Plot: Fans of classic literature and torture porn can now be united in Laugier’s riveting adaptation of the French work that inspired the modernist movement in poetry. The film features an ensemble cast of international stars, including Mathieu Almaric as the ancient, binge-drinking “Le Vampire,” Christina Aguilera as the defiantly diseased and disgusting “Red-haired Beggar Girl,” Gary Oldman as the mysterious and seductive “Dancing Serpent,” and members of the Rolling Stones as “The Seven Old Men.”

From the DVD director’s commentary: “Benoit Lestang did all the brilliant special effects you’re seeing, and I should actually give him partial credit in prompting me to make this film. He fell asleep one day during the filming of Martyrs and he neglected to take the makeup off the actress. Her skin developed a pretty bad rash, and she had a terrible time driving to her hotel, because all this gooey stuff kept melting into her eyes. So the next day, he brought her flowers. They were so beautiful. But, in a way, they were also evil flowers, because, you see, he did a very bad thing in making her wear all that uncomfortable makeup. So I was thinking… flowers… evil… BAUDELAIRE! And voila! I knew I had to eventually make this film.”

Dye of the Dead

Jon — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 11:47:00 +0000

Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than watching zombie movies, particularly those directed by George Romero, or those directly linked to his work. However, if you’re like me, you sometimes have a hard time keeping track of which zombies belong to what film. Even within the same film, Romero zombies don’t always behave the same. Some move fast, some move slow, some are mindless, some have remnants of their former personalities, some look almost human, some are little more than piles of goo. It becomes even more confusing once you begin considering those films within the Romero universe, but not created by Romero himself (e.g. the remakes and the insultingly bizarre Day of the Dead 2: Contagion). I therefore present the only safe and guaranteed method of quickly identifying a Romero zombie. You can easily and conveniently place a particular zombie in its appropriate film by simply identifying its color. In fact, by color coding Romero’s zombies, it becomes clear that, much like clothing, certain colors are more fashionable for zombies depending on the decade. The “smurf blue” of the late 70s gives way to the “cuticle pink” of the 2005 zombie season, followed by a return to the old fashioned “baby food green” of 2008. If zombie hues continue to follow this retro trend, I predict zombies will once again be blueberry colored as they were in 1970s by the year 2035, probably right around the time they’ll be doing a second remake of Diary of the Dead (shudder).

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

1950s Black And White

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Smurf Blue

Day of the Dead (1985)

Dry Mold Green

Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Rotting Pumpkin

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Banana Slug Yellow

Land of the Dead (2005)

Cuticle Pink

Day of the Dead 2: Contagion (2005)

Magenta

Diary of the Dead (2007)

Apple Pie Crust Brown

Day of the Dead (2008)

Baby Food Green

Left 4 Dead 3D

Corey — Thu, 21 May 2009 14:37:00 +0000

if you recently purchased my bloody valentine 3d, friday the 13th part 3d or anything else in 3d (if you own the adventures of sharkboy and lavagirl, i wouldn’t admit that publicly), i may have found another use for all those paper glasses you have laying around. if you game on a pc and have an nvidia 8xxx series or later video card, you may be able to play some of your favorite games (most notably left 4 dead) in another mind-altering dimension, for free!

just head over to the nvidia driver download page and get the 3d vision drivers (you can download the ‘full driver cd’ if you don’t have the latest normal nvidia drivers, or just get the ’3d vision drivers only’ if you’re up to date). install those, telling the install you don’t have the infrared hardware and choose the color combination of your glasses, and head into your nvidia control panel and turn on the 3d settings. suddenly your favorite games are being gamed in the 3rd dimension. no fuss, no muss. easy, breezy, beautiful.

here’s a complete list of the games that support this technology. i plan to take a look at spore, painkiller, crysis and sacred 2: fallen angel in tri-dimensions, in addition to the valve games.

i originally heard about this in an article at gamerslastwill that lists requiring some registry hacks, but the drivers must have been updated since then as all i had to do was install and it worked like a dream. you may need to follow some of the instructions listed in that article if you’re having problems or are trying to get this to run in windows xp 32-bit.

What The Hell Is An Onechanbara?

Corey — Tue, 19 May 2009 16:26:00 +0000

i have no idea what ‘onechanbara’ means, but i definitely have a handle on the next three words that comprise the subtitle of the wii version of this game — bikini zombie slayers. after reading those words and realizing they are part of the title of a video game, there are only two reasonable reactions — 1) you think any game called that must be amazingly stupid and decide you have no interest in it or 2) you stopped reading this sentence long ago to open a new tab and see how much next-day shipping is at ebgames.com and how many copies of onechanbara they have in stock. it’s rare that you can decide whether you want to play a game solely based on the title, but this is one of those times.

two different onechanbara games were released recently, one for the wii and one for the xbox 360. bikini zombie slayers on the wii is technically the sequel to bikini samurai squad on the 360. i hope it’s not ruining the surprise to say that i’m a big fan of these two games, despite all the largely negative reviews. x-play on the g4 channel rated both the xbox 360 onechanbara game and the wii version an impressive one out of five stars. are the onechanbara games really that bad? is something wrong with me that i like them? i think the answer to both those questions is a definitive ‘no,’ because i think these particular negative reviews say more about video game journalism than about the games themselves.

it’s obvious that, as a story-telling medium, video games are still quite immature. game developers don’t seem ready to address mature themes in the same way as other forms of art, likely because game censors and the general public don’t seem ready to accept any attempts (e.g. mass effect, the gta hot coffee silliness). less talked about, though, is the fact that the video game media also has a lot of growing up to do, not just video games themselves. the complexity and diversity of the video game world is equitable to that of film, but video game reviews are typically no where near as sophisticated as those written by film critics.

until fairly recently, jon and i would rate films on a quantitative scale (e.g., five stars). we abandoned this practice because, while it seems natural at first glance, comparing films this way just isn’t always that useful or fair. can you really break down the ‘quality’ of a film into numeric ratings on characteristics like acting, writing, direction, photography, music, etc? is it really fair to compare films like schindler’s list and evil dead 2 on the same scale? both are amazing pieces of art, but they have little in common besides the fact they can be viewed using the same technology. judging these films using the same criteria is a disservice to both.

which brings me to my point — video game journalists, more often than not, judge all games as though they were each an attempt to reach one singular goal. they compare games against the same criteria regardless of the intent or intended audience. just as you can’t judge every film as though it were trying to be schindler’s list, you can’t judge every game as though it were attempting to top gears of war. not every game is a super-high production value project with aspirations of being the game to buy this holiday season. not every game wants to show off cutting edge graphics or max out the number of pixel shaders that can be used to render yet another ridiculously muscled space marine (note: i have no clue what a pixel shader is). sometimes you just want to play peggle. and sometimes you just want to cut up badly rendered zombies with a girl in a bikini brandishing samurai swords.

onechanbara isn’t trying to be the big blockbuster action film of the summer — it’s far more akin to films from the grindhouse era or straight-to-video b-movie releases. it’s a low-budget affair, of that there is no doubt. the enemy a.i. is non-existent, models clip into each other constantly, the few times you get to drive a motorcycle the controls feel like warm mollasses and the menu systems were obviously designed by someone who couldn’t even spell the word ‘usability.’ that said… i don’t really care about all that, and neither did the creators. these games are fun as hell. there is a lot of hidden depth in the item management and controls that most reviews neglect to mention, but yes, all you really need to do in the game is button mash repeatedly to make your scantly-clothed heroine slice zombies up into itty bitty pieces until you get to the next boss fight. what’s wrong with that? that sounds like an action i actually wouldn’t mind doing over and over again. i must have diced 10,000 zombies by now with my dual swords, but i still giggle every. single. time.

these games are pure b-movie cheese, complete with the requisite extreme violence and gratuitous nudity. more time was spent on all the different unlockable clothing options for your multiple heroines than on level design because this isn’t a game about navigating complex mazes — it’s about getting from point a to point b with as little thought and as much fun as possible. i see that simplicity as a big plus, not something to be criticized. while fallout 3 and gears of war sit gathering dust, i throw in the onechanbara games quite often because sometimes i just want to kill zombies… not watch half hour cut scenes or solve intricate puzzles. that isn’t to say there isn’t a place for games that focus on those types of things — just that there’s definitely room for games with other agendas.

i did manage to find one review that truly understood how these games should be played and judged. 1up really seems to get “it.” these are budget titles ($40 on 360, $30 on wii) that share the same ridiculous premise and are meant to be short-lived guilty pleasures and nothing more. that still doesn’t mean these are quality examples of guilty pleasures, but tell me this — how bad can a game which features a boss fight with a zombie whale really be?

if you play either of these games and want to dig deeper into them, you will definitely need the following guides from ign because the books that come with the games are useless.

Killing Floor

Corey — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:40:00 +0000

killing floor, sort of like left 4 dead lite for the pc, was released this week and you can pick it up cheap ($20) on steam. it’s a fully co-op zombie shooter where you and friends fight off wave after wave of various ugly monstrosities in a variety of locations. between rounds you can visit the store and quickly restock on bullets, weapons and perks. it’s no l4d by a long shot, but it is a nice, fast-paced co-op excursion when you don’t have time for a full round of valve’s zombie-fest or you want something that’ a little more arcade-y and features more chainsaws. i just joined steam and am looking for horror peeps to play with, so add ‘evilontwolegs’ if you’re up for trying out killing floor or playing any of the other multiplayer horror-themed games.

No related posts.

Movies Every Horror Fan Has Seen (Except Me)

Jon — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:38:00 +0000

I’d like to think that I’m fairly well-read, but whenever I come across one of those recurring lists of “greatest books of all time,” I invariably find myself amazed at how many important milestones of literature I’ve completely neglected. Sadly, the same is true of horror films. So, in the spirit of full disclosure and honesty, I present my list of films that I’m embarrassed to say I have not yet seen. Feel free to chastise me, make fun of me, or, if you feel so inclined to join me, mention a film that YOU hate to admit you’ve never seen.

1. Anaconda (1997)
I’m not sure why I’ve never seen this movie, as I recall seeing a pretty cool trailer involving a lithe and wicked-looking snake whipping around a boat. And I know that it stars some venerable actors, including Jon Voight, and that rapper who sang “Mama Said Knock You OUT.” Maybe it’s this connection to rap music that’s kept me from seeing it. Don’t’ get me wrong, I like rap as much as the next guy, but being a child of the 80s, I can’t help but think of the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” whenever I hear the word “Anaconda.” It’s just part of my subconscious now. So thank you very much Sir Mix-A-Lot. You’ve kept me from seeing what I’m sure is one of the better films ever made about a giant reptile eating Angelina Jolie’s father.

2. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
I like The Omen, The Exorcist, The Prince of Darkness, The Ninth Gate, The First Power, The Car, The Devil’s Advocate, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, and I even kind of like Bedazzled and My Demon Lover. The first song I remember loving as a kid is Charlie Daniels’ “The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Let’s face it, the Devil is just plain interesting. Add in the fact that this is one of the seminal films from legendary and controversial director Roman Polanski, and it’s ludicrous that I haven’t seen Rosemary’s Baby. I know little about the film except that it stars Mia Farrow, so if Woody Allen is the demonic father of her onscreen hell baby, I’ll kick myself even harder for not seeing this.

3. An American Werewolf In Paris (1997)
One of the things I love about An American Werewolf In London is its strange and unsettling mixture of horror and comedy. I imagine that the Parisian sequel has even more hijinks than the original, with plenty of characters comically slipping on banana peels and whatnot. I’ll wager that the story goes something like this: a romance develops between an all-American wolf-boy and a young French waif, but their relationship is doomed after an inane but tenacious French detective stumbles upon the mutilated, half-eaten body of a well-loved mime.

4. Stir Of Echoes (1999)
This is a film I’ve had in limbo at the bottom of my Netflix queue for years now. I’ve always heard that it’s a pretty good ghost story featuring Kevin Bacon. If I remember correctly, I think the film is about an all-American town haunted by the tragic deaths of some high school kids who were drinking and driving after their box social. Kevin Bacon plays the part of a strange newcomer who must cleanse this town of its ghosts through the power of rock ‘n’ roll and the sheer force of his furious dancing.

5. Dog Soldiers (2002)
The only reason this film is on my list is because my co-writer, Corey, suggested that I include it. I have never seen a trailer for this film, read any reviews of this film, or even heard anyone mention this film until he did. So I figured it must be a film along the lines of Ginger Snaps—a really good film that somehow never got the mainstream attention it deserved. But Corey seemed amazed I’d never seen it, so it must be some kind of mega-hit that I just somehow missed. Apparently, you can even buy Dog Soldiers action figures. And, as Corey pointed out to me, there are no Ginger Snaps action figures (but I say there should be).

6. Dead Alive (aka Braindead) (1992)
Before Peter Jackson made the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I knew him from Heavenly Creatures, his superbly crafted film about the tenderness and cruelty of adolescent obsessions. Apparently, he also made splatter films about zombies and aliens, and one of them, so I’ve been told, features muppets. I REALLY hope it’s Dead Alive, because I think undead muppets would be a wonderful way to introduce kids to the delightful world of re-animated corpses ushering in the apocalypse.

7. Cujo (1983)
I’ve loved gore films since I was a kid, but I can’t stomach the idea of a dog being injured or hurt in a film. I just about had to stop watching I Am Legend because of that terrible scene involving his dog. So maybe that’s why I‘ve avoided Cujo. I also haven’t read Stephen King’s novel, so I’m really in the dark about this one. Of course, “Cujo” has now become a synonym for “vicious dog,” so I think I’ve got the gist of the story: man’s best friend turns out to be not so friendly after all. I’m pretty sure they used a St. Bernard for the film, and I imagine it’s pretty scary, as they’re big dogs, and usually very friendly and trustworthy. However, I think it would be even scarier to be attacked by a gang of very small dogs, say, beagles or pugs.

8. White Zombie (1932)
I love classic black and white horror films. I think James Whale’s Bride of Frankenstein is just as savvy and sophisticated as anything being made today. I also love zombies. So, once again, I’m at a loss as to why I’ve not yet seen what is credited as being the first zombie film. And it features the original bad-boy of horror, Bela Lugosi. I don’t know exactly what his particular role in the film entails, but I’ve seen stills of his character, and those big, bushy eyebrows and fu Manchu beard are strangely hypnotic. I’m also pretty sure that Rob Zombie’s band White Zombie took its name from this film, so I bet the immaculately coiffed Lugosi is the real inspiration for Rob’s ongoing fascination with long-haired villains, heroes, and every other character type.

9. Prom Night (1980)
I’ve heard the remake of this film really stinks. But I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t seen either one. I know that it’s an important slasher film, and I’ve heard it described as the unofficial sequel to Halloween, largely due to the fact that it features Jamie Lee Curtis as its final girl. I’m sure this film is as good as everyone says, but I don’t think you need to throw a homicidal maniac into the mix to make prom night scary. They’re inherently terrifying events, what with all those awkward teenage boys in their ill-fitting tuxedos and girls in their big, poofy, southern antebellum prom dresses. And I think 1980, in particular, must have been really tough on proms because it was a lousy year for music. Disco was still around, and a lot of music’s best and brightest tragically died in 1980, including Ian Curtis of Joy Division, Darby Darsh of the Germs, Bon Scott of AC/DC, John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, and, of course, John Lennon. And that’s horrifying enough.

10. Black Christmas (1974)
I’m especially embarrassed that I haven’t seen this one, as it’s one of those films that slasher fans constantly reference. I suppose it’s kind of like being a football fan who never watches the Superbowl. I have, however, seen Silent Night, Deadly Night, so I’m not completely in the dark when it comes to violent yuletide films. I know that Olivia Hussey stars in Black Christmas, and I think it must have killed her career. She was brilliant in her portrayal of youthful naiveté and unabashed sexuality in Franco Zeffirelli’s iconic 1968 film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet. But I don’t think her career ever really went anywhere after 1974. And this makes me wonder all the more about what horrible things Santa must have done to her in Black Christmas. I bet it involves something nasty from that big sack of toys he carries around and the repeated use of the phrase “naughty.”

Wii Horrors – House of the Dead: Overkill and Madworld

Corey — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:45:00 +0000

the graphically challenged and waggle-centric nintendo wii is generally considered to be a far less hardcore gaming system than it’s bigger brothers, the xbox360 and ps3. thus, most of its games tend to focus on cutesy animal adventures, established children’s licenses, puzzle games, or a combination of all three. the majority of graphic violence and horror themed situations tend to be found in games on microsoft or sony’s consoles, leaving horror fans with wii’s little choice but to pick up a second console to play things like left 4 dead, dead space and resident evil 5. there are exceptions to this trend. resident evil: umbrella chronicles, house of the dead 2 & 3 return, obscure and a handful of others jump to mind. these are decent games, but unfortunately they pale in comparison to the quality horror titles that can be found on other consoles. however, there are two games that can be found only on the wii that offer the same level of quality, action, fun and gratuitous violence as anything on any other platform.

house of the dead: overkill

house of the dead has always been one of my favorite series, as there are few things more fun than shooting zombies with a plastic gun. a few of the arcade games have been ported to various consoles in the past, but overkill is the first one written specifically for a home console (the wii). and apparently that makes a lot of difference because this isn’t just the best (no offense to the brilliant voice actors in previous chapters) house of the dead game to date, it’s also (no offense to the dog from duck hunt) the best light gun shooter i’ve ever played.

when i first saw the trailer for this game (see below), i thought the grindhouse style was simply a way to market the game — it turns out i was wrong. the game itself is presented as a grindhouse-era b-movie, complete with bumpers, a rating notification and music that would feel right at home in any tarantino film. each level of the game is presented with a title card as a tiny b-movie unto itself. a sleezy, 1970s movie trailer voice-over narrates the game, setting the scene for your characters and summarizing the story thus far. the visuals of the game are probably the most impressive as the scratches, hairs and dirty feel of films from that age being projected on a grindhouse screen has been replicated perfectly.

zombie blood splatters on nearby walls, zombies continue to crawl towards you if shot in the legs, creepy clowns swing down from rafters, and heads of the undead explode into a beautiful cloud of red mist when hit with a shotgun. consecutively hitting what you aim at leads to an increased score multiplier, which adds a new feel to this type of game and pushes you towards accuracy as opposed to the ‘shoot as fast as you can’ mentality. points earned can be used to purchase bigger, more destructive weapons or upgrade those you already have. the game can be played alone, but two player co-op is definitely where it’s at. my only complaint would be that the writing of the cutscenes is occasionally annoying, as is one character’s habit of punctuating every phrase with the word ‘fuck’ (the game was recently declared the most profanity-laden game in history). the writing of the voice-over announcer, however, is always top-notch… my favorite line being “this game will make you cry blood… from your own eyeballs.” apart from small children and old people who just bought their wii to play bowling, this is a must-own title.

madworld

madworld is a completely new license created specifically for the wii. how they thought creating a game this violent for the wii was a great idea i will never understand, but i’m very glad they did. the story of this game is rather simple and familiar to anyone who’s played manhunt or seen the running man or death race — murder has become a televised sport, and you’re a contestant. you move through a camera-monitored city, guided by your ‘sponsor’ via an earpiece. you encounter various ninjas, thugs, behemoths, monstrosities and mutants which you are required to kill. the more elaborate, grotesque and audience-pleasing you make the death — the more points you get.

madworld is easiliy the most violent game i’ve ever seen. i imagine the aesthetic choice to present the game in black & white and make the world look somewhat comic-book-ish is the only reason this game isn’t rated AO (which would mean the game couldn’t be released). if you watch the video below, you can see an example taken from the game’s tutorial. you’re taught to entrap a guy in a tire, uproot a stop sign and skewer him with it through the throat and shoulder, and then carry him over to a wall of spikes and repeatedly impale him on it. the only color in the game is red, which you see a lot of while doing the latter two steps of this process. as we learned from schindler’s list, red against a black and white image creates a startling contrast – and while i’m sure it was done for censorship issues, the fact that the game world is in black and white except for blood makes it appear even more violent than i think it would have in full color. while there are a few movies that have featured scenes that have made me turn away, a video game has never done that. until now. at an early point in the game you have the option of impaling a guy cannibal holocaust style on a large spike situated in the ground. As the spike passed through his entire abdomen and emerged from his mouth, i turned away exclaiming “oh, man! that ain’t right!” truly, this is a great game.

the game features top-notch graphics and sound. greg proops (who’s line is it anyway? alumnus and podrace announcer from episode one) is one of two announcers that humorously narrate your progress, constantly criticize your choices and killing methods, and often wander off topic and have their own little discussions (e.g., announcer a: “heroin is much better when injected directly into your scrotum.” announcer b: “name me one thing that isn’t much better when injected directly into your scrotum?”). the wii’s waggle controls add an interactive element i’ve never seen in a game that featured this level of violence — when you stab, choke or impale someone… it feels like you’re stabbing, choking or impaling someone. this is, of course, the exact kind of thing that politicians will likely get their panties in a wad about if they ever take notice of this game… but assuming you can differentiate images on the wii from reality, spearing a guy through the back by making a spearing motion with your arms can be great fun. i have yet to finish madworld, but i hear it is somewhat short. i don’t see this being a huge drawback because, similar to left 4 dead, part of the fun is in replaying levels and trying to improve on your prior performance. for my money, this is the best game currently out for the wii and i wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who can tolerate ridiculous amounts of over-the-top/tounge-in-cheek violence.

Jon’s First Survival Horror Game – RE5

Jon — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:04:22 +0000

Every month or two, Corey and I pick a new co-op game to play via xbox live. Our most recent pick ended up being Resident Evil 5 due to its focus on co-op play. Before we started playing it, I didn’t know too much about it. I knew it had zombies in it, and that it’s a kind of game called “survival horror.” I’d heard the term, but I assumed it referred to games like Left 4 Dead. I’ve never played a Silent Hill game and my only experience with Resident Evil until now was the third film in the series, and all I really remember about it was that Milla Jovovich fought zombies while wearing some funky hotpants that I heard she designed herself.

Sadly, this game does not have Milla Jovovich in pants (hot or otherwise), but it does have lots of nasty zombies. Initially, I approached Resident Evil 5 similiarly to Left 4 Dead. During the first big wave of zombies, I fought them off as best I could, but the buggers just kept coming. And then, as a crowd of zombies had me pinned in a corner and were about to commit unspeakable acts of depravity against me for the fourth or fifth time, it dawned on me: run, you idiot!. And at that moment I realized what “survival horror” meant. Surviving this game means knowing when NOT to fight, and knowing how to conserve your ammunition and resources, which are very scarce in this game. It’s actually a lot of fun because I’ve found that it’s far scarier to be forced to carefully, and methodically take your shots, even as the zombies are rushing at you, rather than simply mowing them down with nearly unlimited ammo. Another thing I like about this game is that the slower pace seems especially designed for co-op play. There are puzzles and obstacles that require teamwork to complete, but more than that, you really do have to rely on your partner to watch your back and share resources as you’re making a desperate, last-ditch stand. I suppose you could finish it with an AI controlled partner, but most of the fun comes from working with a human controlled partner to survive against the odds.

I also have to say that until this game, I’ve never liked cut-scenes. It drives me nuts to have to sit there, controller anxiously in hand, and watch a 15 minute cut-scene with cheesy dialogue or bizarre story-lines that really don’t add anything to the real action of the game. I love the latest Gears of War, but would probably have liked it even more without those pointless cut-scenes (except the one with the classic line “they’re using giant worms to destroy our cities!”). This simply isn’t true of the cut scenes in Resident Evil 5. The overall story arc is still rather esoteric to me, as I’m new to the franchise. I’m in chapter 3 at the moment, and as far as I can tell, I’m supposed to kill some blonde dude who looks like a villain from Miami Vice, and who’s making some kind of secret chemical weapon, and who’s being helped by a chic wearing a medieval bird mask who might be my long-lost ex-partner, and I think they might work for a big corporation with an Umbrella logo. I’m not sure I really need this much story. As Vasqeuz says in Aliens, “I only need to know one thing—where they are.” But the cut-scenes are still absolutely worth watching. One of them involves a gang of zombies circling you on motorcycles and sometimes doing wheelies and jumping over you like an undead horde of Evel Knievels. It’s really fun to watch, and if they ever make a movie version of that, I’m totally there.

But the best thing about this game are the bosses. Seriously, the first time I saw the chainsaw-wielding bag-head zombie, I nearly dropped my controller and ran out of the room. He’s kind of like a skinny, fast-moving cross between Jason and Leatherface. So far, I’ve found that you can’t go toe-to-toe with any of the bosses, and will have to use very different strategy to defeat each one. Corey and I tried 3 or 4 completely different strategies on a 30 foot tall bat/scorpion/zombie thing before figuring out a rather complicated strategy that required using one person as bait while the other set and manually detonated landmines to disorient the beast long enough for us to slay it. While I still like Left 4 Dead as much as before, I’ve found that Resident Evil 5 is a fun and worthwhile version of the zombie apocalypse. The fun of mowing down literally thousands of zombies is impossible to deny, but being able to only deal with two or three at a time and having to run from groups any larger causes a real sense of fear and suspense that more action-oriented games simply can’t match.

Pathogen and Q&A with Emily Hagins

Corey — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 18:35:00 +0000

a few weeks ago i posted the trailer for the documentary zombie girl. this documentary follows twelve-year-old writer/director emily hagins as she shoots her first feature, the zombie film pathogen. i have yet to see zombie girl because it is currently only playing at festivals, but i have seen pathogen. and i am here to say – it is good.

let’s back up for a second though. micro-budget films are not for everyone. audiences have become accustomed to hollywood films with nine digit budgets and awe-inspiring special effects. films made for 30 million dollars are now referred to as ‘low-budget.’ at the same time, miniDV, low-cost harddrives and high quality consumer video editing programs have put the basic language of film into almost anyone’s hands. more often than not, unskilled and untalented hands. thus the average quality of truly low-budget films is decreasing at the same time as our tolerance for lower quality filmmaking. countless $100,000 budget amateur horror films made by untalented hacks have made me gun shy of micro-budget films… the second i see that miniDV film quality, warning lights go off in my head and i jump to the usually logical conclusion that this film is going to be unwatchable. however, i usually stick with it as long as i can because, every once in a while, i get surprised. such is the case with pathogen.

pathogen is still a micro-budget film from a first-time director with very limited resources and a different set of criteria needs to be employed when watching micro-budget films than with typical hollywood fare. if you order a copy of pathogen on dvd from cheesynuggets.com (a steal at $8), you won’t find mind-blowingly realistic digital effects. you won’t find oscar-worthy performances or pulitzer prize winning dialogue. you won’t find a polished piece of film making from an artist at the height of her craft. you will find sound that is occasionally hard to hear, nano-science labs only identifiable by a cut-out paper sign that reads “nano-science lab,” readings on lines like ‘oh, god… why won’t he die?’ that will make you laugh out loud, and 4-year-olds in zombie make-up that can’t help but smile at the camera. however, there are two other important things you’ll find that are rare regardless of the financial resources a film has available to it — raw, unfocused directorial talent and more passion for filmmaking than could be found within a hundred miles of many big hollywood studios.

emily hagins may not have decades of experience, but it’s obvious from watching pathogen that she has an innate knowledge of how to tell a story visually. i love kevin smith’s films, but do you remember the car scene conversation in clerks between randall and dante? the camera whips between them, pulling you out of the film and leaving you with only a headache and the undeniable feeling that you are just watching a movie. emily’s chooses the right angles and camera moves to cover the action in her zombie epic. the sound may be a little hard to hear occasionally, but the scenes all flow together into a coherent whole. and, with a running time of less than 80 minutes, pathogen is just the right length, proving emily has a solid handle on objective editing and pacing.

far more important to one’s enjoyment of the film than talent, though, is the sense of joy permeating every frame of pathogen. you can tell every actor wants to be making this movie, whether the performance they turn in is perfect or not. you may not see the crew off-frame, but you can feel their presence and how much they care about what they’re doing. this is a film where the boom mic is a stick with a hand-cam taped to it (look for it occasionally dipping into frame). that sort of ingenuity, “do whatever it takes to get the shot” mentality, and utter lack of pretentiousness characterizes the entire film.

if viewed in the proper context, as a low-budget film with plenty of rough edges but even more heart and campy fun, most horror fans will find it hard not to enjoy pathogen. particularly those with an interest in what it takes to make a film, on both a technical level and in terms of personal determination and tenacity. pathogen is not going to earn millions or replace romero’s (increasingly inaccurately named) zombie trilogy. pathogen is not the future of horror. however, i wouldn’t at all be surprised if it turns out that emily hagins is.

q & a with emily hagins

i caught up with now 15-year-old emily hagins at the cannes film festival, where she had just signed her first studio deal to write and direct the 3d remake of joseph zito’s the prowler. over frappachinos at a local smoke-filled coffee bar, tom savini joined us while i asked emily a few questions about the making of pathogen. before leaving, tom gave me one of the original masks from friday the 13th part 4 and promised to stop by my house in october to make up my dogs as little schnauzer zombies to scare the neighborhood kids.

ok, yeah. that didn’t really happen. i was not at cannes. no one is remaking the prowler, which, frankly, is a damn shame. i’ve only talked to tom savini once, and i was so nervous i was only able to make a few vowel sounds. i do have two schnauzers though. oh, and i did get emily to tell me a little about making her first film. i contacted her shortly after watching pathogen, and she was kind enough to answer a few questions by email. so, without further ado, i give you the first eo2l interview, a q&a with pathogen director, emily hagins.

Corey: I know that Zombie Girl is currently playing at festivals in TX and Canada. Do you know if there are eventual plans for a wider theatrical release or DVD? [i.e., how soon and where can we see it?]

Emily: I know the documentary crew is still looking for distribution, and we’re hoping these festivals will help them reach it!

Corey: Pathogen features the classic Romero slow-moving/flesh-eating zombies. What influenced you in making that decision over the more modern 28 Days Later Speedy Gonzales/flying squirrel-type that are becoming more and more common?

Emily: I’m not a fan of running zombies (though I like 28 days later), mainly because of the logic. Even though the idea of zombies isn’t very logical, it doesn’t make sense to me to have people who were once dead to be running around. I know people would argue that it’s ‘scarier,’ but I think the fact that they’re slow yet still manage to conquer the living is more terrifying.

Corey: I read that you were heavily influenced by the quirky zombie film The Undead. What other zombie films (or other genre films) did you use as inspiration?

Emily: The original Night of the Living Dead and The Evil Dead trilogy were big inspirations. The zombies from Romero, and scare techniques from Evil Dead. Also The Faculty for their ‘group of kids banning together.’

Corey: One of the common mistakes early filmmakers usually make is blatantly stealing from their favorite films (I know I did in my student films). For example using character names, specific shots, situations, props, sound effects, etc. from other films. I noticed none of that in Pathogen. Was that a conscious decision and did you ever have to fight that urge? [as a bad example, using 'Baggins' as a character name since I know you were heavily influenced by the LotR trilogy]

Emily: I actually did do an homage to one of my favorite scare techniques from The Evil Dead — I called it “The Shower Curtain Effect.” It’s when a character hears a noise, and traces it down to a shower curtain. There’s no possible place left (after the character keeps going through doors), but when they reach the shower curtain the culprit isn’t there. It only appears after the suspense has been broken. I also liked how one of the last survivors in The Faculty who was presumably innocent was actually the cause of the problem, so there was an homage to that as well.

Corey: I have a question about lead actress Tiger Darrow. If that’s a nickname, does it have a cool origin story? If it’s her actual name — well, there must be a story behind that too. And why does Tiger appear to be wearing an engagement ring in the film?

Emily: I believe she chose her name when she was three, and her older sister’s name is Kitty (I think by the same process). The ring was supposed to be memorable because it’s on the hand that gets a glass of water (containing the nano) in the opening. It had a plastic eyeball on it, which would make a pretty sweet engagement ring if it was one! :P

Corey: Speaking of Tiger again – my favorite line in the film probably belongs to her. “You’re either going to die or… die.” Was that line scripted or improvised? What line or scene are you most proud of?

Emily: I’m about 95% sure that line was in the script, but (as you could probably tell) there was a lot of improvising. I think I’m most proud of the opening montage…

Corey: Water and water references play a huge part in the film, as it’s the primary way the contagion is transferred. What do you have against water?

Emily: Haha, nothing at all! I’m drinking some right now! I just thought it would be terrifying to have an infection spread through something we have to rely on.

Corey: For me, the strongest parts of the film are the opening credit sequence and the final freeze frame, both of which are accompanied by incredible music. How did you go about choosing those songs and deciding what visuals should accompany them?

Emily: Tiger showed me the first song one day on set, and I cut the sequence to it later on. I had cut the montage to another song at first, but it seemed more melodramatic than eerie. I love opening credits montages in general, they just help set the mood for the movie. The freeze frame was originally a technical glitch, but after watching it a few times I decided to keep it. The last song was by a local musician in Austin.

Corey: For a boom mic you used a paint roller with a camera taped to it and for a steady-cam, you used a chair. Were there any other MacGuyver-esque filmmaking tricks you invented due to resource limitations?

Emily: Not really, we did not have very much equipment.

Corey: Above all else, I was most impressed by your ability to visually tell a story. You consistently chose the proper camera angles and cuts to convey the scene. In particular you approached suspense scenes better than many major horror films manage to. Is that something you just had a ‘feel’ for or do you think you picked it up from studying?

Emily: It just came from all the movies I watched and the short films I made before Pathogen. At that point I hadn’t read any books or taken any classes.

Corey: I love the shot of Dannie’s reaction to first seeing a zombie in detention. Was that reaction something she came up with on her own?

Emily: I think I just told her to look scared, but that expression was very much Rose’s natural way of reacting. I told the cast to pretty much be themselves because the characters were just regular kids, so if something in the script wasn’t natural to them they should do it the way they would naturally.

Corey: Was there anything you really wanted to get into the movie that, for whatever reason, ended up being impossible or impractical?

Emily: In general, I wanted more zombies in a lot of scenes. I also wanted a location that looked more like a research center than my mom’s work, but it’s all good.

Corey: You make a Hitchcockian appearance in the film, but you chose a very interesting act to be in the middle of when shown [i.e., Hitchcock appears in most of his films, but I don't think he was ever shown vomiting, which is a shame actually] Why did you choose to be shown this way?

Emily: For the vomiting scene — I was editing and decided the sequence needed more shots, so I asked my mom to film me throwing up (which was just chewed carrots, btw). Same thing happened with the face watching shot, which I think Tiger filmed.

Corey: The DVD menu of Pathogen displays two commentary tracks — but there is a hidden third one that can only be accessed manually. It’s a solo director’s commentary that runs only thirty minutes. What happened to the rest of it and was it intended as an Easter egg?

Emily: It is an Easter egg. I tried doing the commentary by myself, but it was difficult without anyone else. We decided to just use it as an Easter egg because we already had two commentaries.

Corey: Your second film appears to be a murder mystery/ghost story which sounds like it is still somewhat in the horror vein. Do you plan to stay within the genre and do you have any definite ideas for future projects?

Emily: It ended up being more of a mystery than a horror movie, but it’s a lot darker than Pathogen. I might do another horror movie at some point, but the next one is going to be a comedy.

Corey: And one last, very important question… Was that cream corn I saw shooting out of that zombie’s head when it was stabbed with the pointy stick?

Emily: It was actually jello mix — I love the oozy stuff that comes out of zombies. We had fun with that!

[Please visit cheesynuggets.com for more information on Pathogen, Emily and her other projects. You can also follow Emily's tweets at @cheesynuggets]

James & Nathan Make a Porno plus Zombie Product Placement

Corey — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:38:00 +0000

james gunn (slither director and dawn of the dead (2004) scribe) has taken to creating porn films – minus the porn. pg porn is a film series of pornos that is heavy on the bad acting and light on the s-e-x. the first episode features buffy and firefly alum, nathan fillion — see it above (i love the point he does towards the construction site). check the pg porn site for more episodes.

who has the umbrella corporation teamed up with now to bring the zombie apocalypse upon us all? avon, apparently. avon’s new creepily named ANEW Clinical Derma-Full X3 Facial Filling Serum bears a striking resemblance to the t-virus from the resident evil films. throw in the fact that the original t-virus was being engineered as a rejuvenating skin cream to prolong life, and this is too big of a similarity to be mere coincidence. personally, i welcome our new undead overlords and their surprisingly soft, supple skin.

in other zombie-related liquids news, a new red wine is being released – return of the living red. no exact details on pricing are available, but something in the $70 range seems likely, so this may be a bit pricey. it may be worth it, however, as i saw it received a 4.5 out of 5 in a wine tasting journal and, even if it tasted like dish water, the packaging is quite extraordinary. each bottle comes with an aged police folder with hints and supposed suppressed information on an apparent zombie infestation at a local vineyard. how frickin’ cool is this? pretty damn frickin’ cool, i say.

Zombie Girl: The Movie

Corey — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:08:00 +0000

just heard about this documentary today — cannot wait to see it. trailer below and more info at zombiegirlthemovie.com.

while the documentary is not currently on dvd, the film that it chronicles (pathogen) is. you can order it for the bargain price of $8 at cheesynuggets.com. how many zombie movies currently on your shelf can you claim were directed by a twelve year old girl? five, maybe ten at most?

Best of 2008 Update: Quarantine and Eden Lake

Corey — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:22:00 +0000

my best of 2008 list was, understandably, comprised of only films from 2008 that i’d actually seen. i see a lot of horror films, but currently my netflix queue has almost 450 films in it, so i don’t get to everything as quickly as i’d like. i did, however, run out this week and pick up two dvds of films i’d missed theatrically in 2008 — quarantine and eden lake. if i’d seen them previously, i think they’d both have made my top ten list — so i’ll include them here to give them their just dues.

eden lake

somehow eden lake slipped by me completely unnoticed. i hadn’t even heard of it when i saw it listed as one of the nominees on a ‘best horror film of the year’ ballot last week. its status on netflix is the impatient film lover’s death sentence (‘very long wait’), so i had little choice but to pick it up when i saw one lone copy sitting at best buy. that turns out to be one of the better decisions i made this week (for example, much better than my decision to eat some stale hostess blueberry mini-muffins today). eden lake falls into the ‘survival horror’ subgenre, and is similar in tone and plot to wolf creek, frontier(s), the descent and storm warning. the rules are fairly simple in this type of film — naive, usually nice people wander too far away from their familiar surroundings and run into some not-so-nice locals who test the survival instinct of the nice people until one or more of the victims decides to (sometimes successfully, usually not) fight back. in the case of eden lake, our nice people are a couple out for a camping trip (and a surprise wedding proposal) on the shore of (what quickly becomes the ironically named) ‘eden lake.’ the twist here is that the not-so-nice locals turns out to be a gang of obnoxious 10 to 14 year olds out for proverbial “kicks,” one would presume. an argument over the kids playing their music too loud (damn kids!) and ogling the soon-to-be-fiancee escalates to the kids stealing the couple’s car… and things get just get worse from there. there is a type of movie i call an ‘exhale’ movie. when the credits finally begin to roll, you suddenly realize you’ve basically been leaning forward and only taking shallow breaths for the last hour. the final moments of the film are so intense and disturbing, the only real response you can muster is to put your hands on your knees and slowly exhale… you might think of getting up to get a soda, and might even start to move, but then slump back on the couch and exhale again. few movies have that effect on me, but this is one of them. images and moments from this film (those from the last 5 minutes, in particular) will lodge themselves in your gut for days, if not longer. highly recommended.

quarantine

as mentioned in my ‘best of 2008′ post, quarantine is the american remake of [rec]. as far as i know, quarantine is the first remake put into production before the film it was based on had even been finished. that sounds like a formula for disaster, but in many ways this remake is superior to the original. it’s hard to make comparisons because the films are so incredibly similar, but in the ways they do differ i think the remake comes out ahead. the lead actress (dexter‘s jennifer carpenter) plays paralyzing fear phenomenally, with no concern for vanity. in general the scares are more effective in quarantine, as is the “infected” make-up. the one exception to this is the thin creature in the attic, which is much creepier in the original. the ultimate explanation for the infection is left vague in both versions, but the supernatural “possession” slant is not even hinted at in the remake. the american version also wisely removed the bizarre scene from the original where the characters rewind the tape to rewatch something. Instead of having the camera cut-off then immediately cut-back with the characters discussing the footage they’d just watched (a la cloverfield), the tape actually rewound and replayed itself, breaking the “found footage” framework. you really can’t go wrong watching either version — but if you do like one, you should probably check out the other to decide which you prefer for yourself.

Corey’s Worst of 2008

Corey — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:11:00 +0000

as i seem to recall from a class in fifth grade i wasn’t paying too close attention to, “for every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction.” applying that rule to my last post, i take that to mean that for every good horror film released in 2008 that i enjoyed — there was one that i didn’t. so, to keep everything in the universe balanced and what-not, and to avoid disrupting the laws and/or fabric of nature itself, i present to you my top 10 worst horror films of 2008.

#10

the happening

i’ve almost always liked m. night shamalamadingdong. like most people, i was blown away by the sixth sense. i kinda dug unbreakable. i really liked signs and the village. ok, lady in the water left me scratching my head, but it wasn’t unwatchable. i knew m. night was a little pretentious (e.g., he just made up his middle name in college), but i didn’t think he was capable of truly horrible film making — that was, until i saw the happening. while the ruins may have proved that (spoiler warning) killer vegetation isn’t as silly a concept as you might think — the happening goes the opposite route and proves it’s even goofier than anyone thought possible. the film can’t even be saved by the almost always entertaining mark wahlberg (who turns in his absolute worst performance to date, which crescendos during a conversation he has with a plastic tree) or the always cute zooey deschanel (who, despite her pleasant appearance, somehow manages to be annoying in every frame of screen time she’s given). the only thing this movie had going for it was the mystery of what was causing the so-called ‘happening’… which they reveal 15 minutes into the film. i hate to say it, but in every respect, m. night whizzed this one right down the leg of his stylish trousers.

#9

trapped ashes

trapped ashes is one of those horror anthologies like creepshow and tales from the darkside. i’m a sucker for that kind of thing, so i was really looking forward to trapped ashes. how can you go wrong with four horror stories plus a wrap-around story? just by chance, a few of the stories would have to be decent, right? add in the amazing pedigree of at least three of the directors (joe dante, the howling, ken russell, lair of the white worm, sean cunningham, friday the 13th), and how could this suck? well, it does — and big. joe dante’s wrap-around story about people trapped in a house who decide to tell their scariest life experiences to the others in an attempt to convince the supposed madman who locked them in to let them out makes no sense and isn’t scary, interesting or remotely probable. sean cunningham’s half anime, half live action film about a woman trapped in a painting getting raped by a demon isn’t nearly as interesting as i just made it sound. ken russell’s film about vampiric breasts is, at least, novel. it plays out much like i imagine a porno directed by a 13-year-old david cronenberg would — amateurish but disturbing. the third story feels completely out of place as it’s basically an overly wordy and boring film noir piece about a love triangle with a slight supernatural twist. another story involves a parasitic worm and a baby, but apart from a cool ‘womb-cam’ effect, is rather ridiculous. the underlying thread connecting all these tales isn’t so much the horrible wrap-around story as it is one central theme — women are scary. i’ll give credit to ken russell for creating visuals that can actually circumvent the male part of the brain that says ‘breasts = awesome’ and making them, at least momentarily, seem unattractive — but that small achievement is not nearly enough to salvage this celluloid trainwreck.

#8

the eye

expectation plays a large part in putting these top ten lists together. while technically zombies, zombies, zombies may be a worse film than most on this list, i knew it was going to suck when i turned it on. somehow that makes a difference. the badness of a film is actually more offensive when it has no excuse for being bad… i’m more forgiving of low-budget films made my amateur filmmakers than i am of big-budget flops made by people who should know better. such is the case with the remake of the eye. the original film was quite creepy and entertaining, so i was hoping this would be another the grudge — a quality remake of a foreign film that meets, if not surpasses, the original. what i got was a sloppy mess of derivative nonsense that tries to coast by on how pretty its lead is and ignores the basic building blocks of a good film — things like script, acting, pacing and suspense. if you want to watch jessica alba, please go watch the fantastic four films again… if you want to see a movie about a blind girl seeing ghosts, go rent the original film, gin gwai.

#7

day of the dead

i was one of the first people to say that remaking dawn of the dead was sacrilege… and, after seeing it, i was one of the first to admit that i was completely and utterly wrong. so i was a little gun shy to jump on the “wtf!?!” band wagon when i heard they were remaking day of the dead. mena suvari’s in it? ok. ving rhames? even better. steve miner is directing it? you mean friday the 13th part 2 steve miner? well, maybe this won’t be that bad after all. as it turns out, the band wagon is a popular thing to jump on because it’s often filled with people who are right. this film is just bad, bad, bad. steve miner must have thought that if fast zombies were scarier than slow zombies (e.g., 28 days later) then fast zombies bouncing off walls like flying squirrels must be absolutely terrifying. that’s only the first of many bad ideas in this film. others include having people changing from slightly wounded to completely decayed zombies in a matter of seconds and (this is a big one)… using almost none of the story from the film it was remaking. apart from a few character names and the fact that there are, in fact, a few zombies around — this has nothing in common with my favorite of romero’s zombie apocalypse films. the ridiculous dvd cover of a zombie vomiting up banana pudding mixed with ears and giant eyeballs (or, i suppose, sucking in this mixture as opposed to expelling it) only adds insult to injury.

#6

anaconda 3

giant snakes + ‘the hoff’ sounds like b-movie heaven. unfortunately, the reality doesn’t live up to the concept. hasselhoff and john rhys-davies (who must have one hell of a coke habit to continue needing to show up in crap like this) make no attempt to mask their disinterest in this film as they stumble through each awkward scene. in a movie like this though, the snakes are the real stars… so its really a shame that the snakes in this film are likely the least convincing ever seen. holding this up to the camera real close and wiggling it around would have been far more convincing. i had to pause the film a few minutes from the end to get a soda and literally could not bring myself to hit ‘play’ and watch any more of it. if that nullifies my review, so be it… but i’m willing to bet that watching any more could only have moved anaconda 3 closer to the top of this list, not made me dislike it less.

#5

pathology

as we trudge our way further up this list, we’re moving from films that i merely found dull and disappointing into films that i truly hate. and i really, really hate pathology. i didn’t expect to going into it because i’m usually a big fan of medical thrillers. the blame for my hatred falls entirely on the script. not only are all the characters despicable people who are impossible to sympathize with (even when the filmmaker wants you to), but they’re stupid as well. for me, though, the biggest problem is character motivation — there is none. why does our hero, a medical student, decide to partake in a game where you murder someone and other medical students attempt to figure out how you did it? i have no idea. and typically ‘murdering strangers’ is the kind of thing characters need a reason to be doing. i hated every character in this movie and i hated the filmmakers for thinking i would identify with and feel sympathy for characters that, until the heroic music kicked in, were criminal sociopaths. I’m as big a fan of the anti-hero as anyone, but characters like Hannibal Lector or Dexter are attractive in spite of their ghoulish acts because of their charm and intelligence, not simply because they’re the star of the show. despite an interesting concept and decent direction and acting, pathology rubbed me the wrong way. like meeting someone at a party who mistakenly thinks your girlfriend is single and hits on her, i feel incapable of any forgiveness towards this film and instead am just going to stare at it angrily from across the room.

#4

dark floors

dark floors is billed as “the lordi movie.” i didn’t realize this until i put the dvd in, but i don’t think it would matter if i’d known it earlier, because i had no idea what a “lordi” was. as it turns out, ‘lordi‘ is a european heavy metal band. i’m no expert on that genre, but from what i can gather, ‘lordi’ appears to be like a ‘gwar’ for people who don’t find ‘gwar’ silly enough. all of the band members dress in costumes that look like they were ordered out of the back of fangoria magazine in 1989 and play music that sounds like what you’d hear if you were strapped to the underbelly of an exploding train loaded with grizzly bears and kettle drums. in any case, dark floors is not about the band ‘lordi;’ each member of the band plays a monster within the film. the story revolves around a little girl with crayons and a group of people trapped in some alternate universe version of a hospital. about twenty minutes into the film you may realize this all seems very familiar — that would be because this is the first film i’ve ever seen to follow the exact structure of a survival horror game. the alternate universe thing is stolen straight from silent hill, but more than that the story structure is the same. the characters move across one floor of the hospital, fight and/or run away from one of the ‘lordi’ monsters (i.e., “boss battle”), and then start fresh on the next floor. this continues ad nauseum until they reach the parking garage, where they run into the lead singer (i.e., final boss) and somehow defeat him because they’re good people or have the power of love on their side or something. the film is somewhat stylish, but feels like an overly long music video… which, i suppose is what it is. after watching the ‘making of’ i realized that not only did i hate “the lordi movie”… but i hated ‘lordi’ as well. even through the swedish i could tell that the front man, the oh-so-cleverly named “mr. lordi,” is a complete and utter douche bag of epic proportions. my opinion of the film is pretty much the same, although i don’t think you can technically call a film a douche bag — but if you could, that’s exactly how i would describe dark floors.

#3

trackman

the second of the ghost house underground films to make my list, this is a russian slasher film that has little to offer the genre. after a heist, a group of thieves and their hostages head into the abandoned railway tunnels to escape. unfortunately, a pickaxe wielding madman with a habit of removing people’s peepers already calls that place home. the premise sounds interesting enough, but even with only a mere 80 minute running time, the film can’t seem to find anything interesting to show you. most of the time is spent with the thieves arguing amongst themselves and deciding who gets to carry a gun. which brings up another point… these people have several guns amongst them, yet they never once attempt to shoot the very slow moving guy with the pickaxe who keeps picking them off. tack on an ending that feels like it’s a big revelation, but which reveals nothing (a la saw 5) and you’re left with one big slippery mother of a film turd. in russian.

#2

shutter

calling shutter a movie is a disservice to every filmmaker out there attempting, whether brilliantly or poorly, to do something approximating art. this is a shameless remake of a j-horror film that exists, not because someone enjoyed the original and wanted to put their own spin on it, but because someone somewhere thought they might be able to make a dollar off it. i understand money drives the production of all hollywood films, but in this case it’s obvious that everyone who showed up on set had only one thing on their mind — their paycheck. the director himself admits as much in the commentary when he states that he doesn’t like horror films. well, that’s just terrific. following that logic i imagine the set was catered by an anorexic who hates food, the costume design was done by a nudist, and the actors were all cast from those aboriginal tribes that think having your picture taken steals your soul. it should be no surprise that shutter is not remotely scary or compelling in any way because it takes more than just throwing a dark-haired asian ghost girl into your film to make it frightening — it actually takes a bit of talent and a lot of work.

#1

april fool’s day

april fool’s day (2008) is so bad, i almost didn’t include it on this list simply because i didn’t want to have to think about it again. at least from those i’ve seen, this is the worst of the worst when it comes to the recent trend of horror remakes. shallow, boring, predictable and pointless — i stand by my original review.

this sucky movie is full of suck.

next week is friday the 13th week! i’m so giddy with little-school-girl-esque excitement over the release of the modern re-envisioning of everyone’s favorite hockey-masked killer that i’ve got several jason voorhees themed posts planned for next week leading up to the film’s friday opening. so keep checking back…

Corey’s Best of 2008

Corey — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:20:00 +0000

for me, january has always been a month for drinking hot cocoa, bundling up tightly in multiple layers of itchy clothing, and hoping it snows so i don’t have to go to school, class, and/or work. january also marks the beginning of a new year and the end of the prior one. our tiny green/blue planet’s completion of yet another trip around the sun is not only a time for celebration, drinking, and blowing into tiny plastic horns — it’s also a time for reflection. reflection on the prior year’s triumphs and failings… lessons learned and future endeavors… but, perhaps most importantly, reflection on the past year’s best and worst cinematic depictions of mutilations, psychotic killers, creepy black-haired japanese children and exceptionally large lizards.

below is my list of the 2008′s ten best horror films. while there’s some general agreement amongst fans on films like inside and the happening, 2008 was a strange year in that it saw many releases that elicited very polar reactions from the horror community. many of the films that made my top ten can be seen in other site’s list of the year’s worst. even within the same site (e.g., bloody-disgusting), many of the films that appear on one writer’s best list also show up on another’s list of the worst. all i can say is that this list represents the ten films from this year that i enjoyed most… stories that drew me in and/or gave me the wiggins might not do the same for you, but i think all of the films listed here deserve a watch from anyone interested in the horror genre.

#10

[rec]

another in the recently revived ‘found footage’ genre, [rec] is a film from spain that documents a small-scale zombie outbreak in an apartment building. an ambitious news reporter and her camera man frame the story, giving the filming of the entire event a feeling of reality lacking in most films of this type (e.g., why did heather donahue feel compelled to continue filming throughout her ordeal?). less ambitious (but also less pompous and pretentious) than diary of the dead, [rec] is a far more visceral experience than romero’s similar take on the genre. i have yet to the see the american remake quarantine, but i hear it is almost a shot-for-shot retelling of the story — so i’m confident in saying that i’ll enjoy it when it makes it to dvd.

#9

cloverfield

much like the blair witch project before it, the experience of cloverfield was as much about its marketing as it was about the film. cryptic trailers and hidden websites teased the film months before its title was even revealed, leading to a ridiculous amount of hype by its january release. fortunately, the film delivered on its promises… while perhaps not as chilling as the plight of the burkittsville film students, the thrill of glimpsing a godzilla-esque monster in new york from the first person point of view of an amateur cameraman cannot be denied. some (e.g., jon@evilontwolegs.com) thought the main characters were shallow and annoying, but i found them likable and sympathetic. for those that didn’t like it (e.g., jon@evilontwolegs.com), i have but one question… are you anything more than an empty shell of a human being with no capacity for childish wonder, who can no longer experience the slightest tinge of joy?
it’s a huge damn lizard knocking over buildings and eating helicopters. who doesn’t like that?

#8

inside (à l’intérieur)

i’d heard that inside was a rather grotesque film. about half way into this film’s rather short running time i was all, “hey, i don’t see what the big deal is.” boy did that last half prove me wrong.

this is a messed up little french movie about a messed up little french lady who really wants a baby. unfortunately, the baby belongs to another little french lady who hasn’t so much given birth to the baby yet as hasn’t. home invasion, multiple murders and torture ensues, resulting in a bizarre and rather disturbing climax. likely even more disturbing for pregnant women, women planning on getting pregnant, people who know pregnant women, or people whose mothers were ever pregnant. another little buttery croissant of horror further solidifying france as a force to be reckoned with in the genre. highly recommended.

#7

storm warning

the director of urban legend returns home to australia to direct this nasty little “city folk find themselves in trouble with hillbillies” story. jon already gushed over this film last month, but i couldn’t help but include it in this list. it’s a simple, fun country mayhem/revenge combo that everyone should throw into their netflix queue. it also features the only scene that i know of where a character is forced to execute a tiny kangaroo, so, you know… it’s got that going for it.

#6

frontière(s)

i just realized six of my top ten films are foreign (seven if you count funny games, a remake of a foreign film by the same director). what’s up america? hopefully having obama in the white house, in addition to the unicorns and happiness and candy corn for everyone that we’re expecting, will also bring with it something that inspires some much-needed creativity in the horror-related corners of hollywood.

anyway, yeah. back to frontier(s). this is another nasty french film cut from the same bloody cloth as the texas chainsaw massacre. a group of fleeing thieves (including one who is pregnant… what’s with the french and pregnant women being tortured?) take refuge at a bed & breakfast that isn’t run by the stereotypical nice old couple, but instead by a family of nazi cannibals. as you would expect, the predictable hilarity ensues. less psychological and more action oriented than inside, both films are still probably equal on the ‘gruesomeness’ scale. the film’s climax really puts the final girl through her paces too… this is no simple “run through the woods, put on a crusty old sweater and swing a machete” american slasher film obstacle course — this french girl really has to work to get her final girl credentials.

#5

funny games

after seeing funny games, it doesn’t surprise me that this strange little film didn’t do any real box office. oddly marketed as a comedy, and despite the title, funny games is anything but funny. while much of the violence occurs off screen, few films are as sadistic as this shot-for-shot remake of the 1997 austrian film of the same name. even within the horror genre, the purpose of almost all films is to entertain — watching funny games, you’re left with the distinct impression that the director has far more sinister intentions for his audience. the villains are politely cheerful while performing an array of inhuman acts and the victims react utterly realistically to everything that occurs. this combination made me uncomfortable throughout the film in a way that no other film really has. one often mentioned scene in which the film literally rewinds itself is too clever for its own good, resulting in what feels like little more than art school posturing while almost derailing the audience’s emotional attachment to the characters — but this is really the only flaw i can find. the overall effect of the film is terrifying, leaving the audience disturbed and emotionally drained. while not for everyone, i personally think funny games is brilliant.

#4

black water

when i heard the guy who did wolf creek was making a killer alligator film, i couldn’t wait. then i saw rogue and was largely underwhelmed… how did the disturbing and subversive tone of wolf creek transform into the castrated, audience friendly hollywood-ized (but admittedly, still fun) antics of rogue? it did whet my appetite for more gator action though, so i put black water in my netflix queue. as it turns out, black water is exactly what i was expecting when i heard about rogue… it’s bleak, frightening and humorless. imagine open water in the swamp. there are no giant cgi crocs to be found and no silly heroics or sappy hollywood endings. despite stiff competition from rogue (and rather flacid competition from the abysmal lake placid 2), this is the alligator movie of the year.

#3

let the right one in (låt den rätte komma in)

apart from meatballs and the chef from the muppet show, i don’t know a lot about sweden — but it appears they can make really good horror films. given that the main characters are twelve year olds, i’m tempted to say this is a near dark for the hannah montana crowd… but that would do the film a disservice because it’s actually a far more complex and mature film than the midwestern antics of severyn and company. oskar is a bullied child who falls in love with eli when she moves in next door. eli gives oskar the confidence to stand up to his bullies, but what is oskar to make of eli’s aversion to sunlight and slightly troubling tendency to drink human blood? this may sound a bit like twilight, but make no mistake — this is an adult, thinking-person’s vampire film. beautiful and complicated, let the right one in is already lined up for the american remake machine. however, do yourself a favor and seek out the original. now.

#2

the strangers

apparently this is not a remake of the french film ils (them), but i find that very hard to believe given the similarities. regardless, the strangers surpasses that film in every respect. creepy, moody and unrelenting — the strangers touches on the same fears as funny games — home invasion and torture. the strangers is much scarier though, and just as disturbing. and my god — that mask! apart from those based on the face of william shatner (michael myers’) or borrowed from my favorite sport (jason’s mask), this film features the scariest mask in horror film history.

#1

the ruins

i didn’t really have any expectations going into the unrated dvd of the ruins… if anything, i expected another over-produced and toothless teen horror film starring a platoon of pretty upn television show washouts (e.g., the prom night remake). you have no idea how happy and surprised i was to find likable characters, a unique premise and a surprisingly scary “villain.” the film is remarkably grim from the beginning, and i was glad to see the ending on the dvd (different from the predictably useless theatrical one chosen by the studio) didn’t betray this. from what i’ve read, the film didn’t work for a lot of people — but i was not among them. the ruins caught me completely by surprise, which may play into why i liked it so — but it remains the film i enjoyed most this year.

honorable mentions: i really liked all the boys love mandy lane, but it wasn’t released this year. again. even though it was completed in 2006. the weinstein’s really need to decide what to do with this film and get it out already. i also saw repo: the genetic opera, but despite it being a downright gorgeous film and my love of musicals of this type (e.g., dr. horrible and the rocky horror picture show) — i’m afraid to admit (particularly given its near-universal critical acclaim), it just didn’t do it for me. maybe once i experience it in the theater (as it was intended), i’ll reconsider my opinion…

bonus list: best horror video games of 2008

#3

silent hill: homecoming

i was concerned the creepiness and undefinable “silent hill-iness” of the silent hill franchise would suffer when it moved to an american studio. i need not have been concerned.

#2

dead space

story wise, dead space borrows (read: steals) liberally from the thing and, even more-so, event horizon… but it does so extremely well. furthermore, it features the best user interface in recent memory and is one of the prettiest games ever released.

#1

left 4 dead

valve + co-op play + the inevitable zombie apocalypse we all know is coming. nothing had a chance of topping that.

Left 4 Dead

Corey — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 18:36:00 +0000

the romero-inspired 4-player co-op game left 4 dead arrives on xbox 360 today.
if you wish to join in on the zombie apocalypse, drop us a request on xbox live.

Fan Art Field Trip: Re-Animator

Corey — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 00:30:00 +0000

jon’s recent snubbing of re-animator in his favorite h.p. lovecraft film adapations has inspired yet another trip into the sometimes beautiful but oft terrifying world of artistic fandom on deviantart.com. while familiar to most hard-core horror fans, i was concerned that re-animator would not have inspired as much fanart as the horror superstars we’ve looked at before (michael myers and jason voorhees, twice). i need not have worried, as herbert west has inspired hundreds of pieces of artwork in the world of fandom… some of which aren’t even super-creepy furry sex drawings.

Chibi Herbert West
by ~ gen98

‘chibi’ apparently means a small, child version of a character. i’m not sure what’s going on with the cheeks, but this is undoubtedly pretty cute… and makes me wish for a re-animator saturday morning cartoon show. maybe something in the vein of muppet babies. but with more enraged zombies.

Herbert West with Guns
by ~ Brwnelovchoclate

while herbert did go all clint eastwood at the beginning of the first sequel, i question the utility of (while, at the same time, praising the incredible efficiency of) having the gun shoot both bullets and re-animating fluid.

The Re-Animator cute’n'puffy
by = ailime

this is a rather endearing interpretation of our favorite brilliant, but misguided, medical student. i get why this is described as ‘cute’ and ‘puffy’… but ‘crispy’ seems a bit out of place. and those wee, stunted arms make me kinda sad. the same artist has done an interpretation of cthulhu as well.

hello reanimator
by ~ brigzy

that’s about the cutest thing i’ve ever seen. now if we can only get a version of dan as keroppi, we’ll be set.

Herbert West – Reanimator
by ~ benhaith

i really like this cartoon version of west. the devious, maniacal look in the eyes is fantastic and the resemblance to jeffery combs is uncanny. every medical student in the country should have this image hanging on their dorm room door.

Dr. Herbert West
by ~ lady-armstrong

this appears to be a rather simple photo manipulation, but i’m quite fond of the shadows and coloring. while most of the art here plays up the darkly humorous side of herbert, this one shows him as a far more tragic, and possibly evil, character.

Come a little closer…
by * KITTY-Z

not even the great h.p. lovecraft is immune from furrydom. one would think that an anorexic, female furry version of dr. herbert west sort of demands an explanation, but the artist’s only comment is:

“….Meh. I’ll write the description later.”

Come A Little Closer
by ~ RyuBunny

on the other hand, there is such a thing as too much explanation. this similarly themed (and, oddly, identically named) furry piece has a far too elaborate back-story for my tastes. the below is taken verbatim from the artist’s description…

“part bunny and part collie. but he looks more like his father/uncle. see his parents are both female and they wanted kids, so the mom (collie) got artfically inseminated. she ended up having twins and the one who donated came to vist. it ended up being the other feamle’s brother.”

Herbert and Dan’s Night
by ~ LieutenantSparkles

lieutenant sparkles brings us this respectful depiction of the complicated relationship between dr. herbert west and his reluctant accomplice, dan.

HACKSLASH REANIMATOR
by ~ ColtNoble

one of my favorite comics is the slasher film themed hack/slash. here’s the cover for a hack/slash and re-animator cross-over, an example of a professional comic artist showing off their work on deviantart.

Valentine’s Waltz
by ~ dr-worm

well, you knew it was only a matter of time before images of herbert and dan getting it on showed up. the artist, dr. worm, asks for our forgiveness in this piece’s description… and i can almost grant his request given a) the relative tameness of this drawing compared to much of what i run across on deviantart and b) the quirky inclusion of dr. hill’s flying head. dr. hill’s expression seems to say, “hey, don’t blame me… i’m just gonna fly over here to the right for a bit and get the hell out of frame, if it’s all the same to you.”

Urk
by ~ Boos-girl666

the description on this one does a great job explaining the impetus for this drawing and, like the description of the former image, asks for our forgiveness. i’m less inclined towards forgiveness here, but i do like the “wee!” at the end….

“May H.P Lovecraft, Jeffrey Combs, and Bruce Abbott come to forgive me. And every other Re-Animator fan out there. If you don’t particularly like this idea, don’t start flaming me for it, no one forced you to look at it mm-k? Anyway… on to an actual description. I dunno’ I see Herbert West, that once he gets going on describing a new theory of his, he would talk, and talk and talk. Dan, I imagine would get sick of hearing all the little rants and no matter what he did Herbert just would not stop, so what better way to get a person to shutup? So this doesn’t point to being an all out slashy homosexual thing, maybe Dan just wanted some piece and quiet, or he really had been wanting to do that for a long time and just needed an excuse…However you want to see it :D This was a pretty easy piece, the hardest thing was getting it to look like West was blushing!!! who would have thought that would be so difficult. Even now it’s not great, but the best I could do. wee!”

West… Herbert West…
by ~ MooreSpino

apparently i’m not the only person to think that the sims would be a hell of a lot more interesting with dr. herbert west. although, given his interest in doodling with body parts (remember that finger/eye thing he made?), herbert himself would probably be a spore man.

Jason vs Herbert West
by * Jazon19

in a scrap between jason and herbert, i’m pretty sure jason would come out on top… after all, herbert could barely handle a re-animated cat! here, however, herbert seems to have recruited some help from his experiments… i’m not entirely sure what’s up with the little green vials on their backs (maybe a constant sorce of re-animation serum to keep them going and under his control?) anyway, this isn’t a bad drawing by any means… i kinda like the spider-legged eyeball thing leering menacingly at jason from the upper right and the moxy of the guy with no legs.

Herbert East: Remanimator 3
by * Frohickey

is this just an exercise in absurdism (e.g., waiting for godot),or is there a joke in here? it’s like a möbius strip of unfunniness. i’ve read it about 30 times and i still can’t figure out where the alleged joke begins, ends or is.

Re-Animator: Reasons Why Not
by ~ ZevofB3K

the best part of this comic is that cthulhu feels the need to state his own name calmly and matter-of-factly in the last panel, as though he were some sort of depressed pokemon.

Dan and West
by ~ LadyKirk

of the images i found, this is one of my favorites. it rather perfectly captures the relationship between dan and herbert and i love the fact that, while pissed about it, herbert seems to know that dan’s statement is rather hard to dispute.

reanimator: SCIENCE, BITCHES
by * tentaclees

while not the most elegant or intellectual way of stating it, this does get across herbert’s philosophical pont-of-view rather clearly and plainly.

House of the Dead: Overkill

Corey — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:33:00 +0000

best. game trailer. evar.

a grindhouse-styled house of the dead game? count me in.

Uwe Boll Week

Corey — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:01:00 +0000

last week was a big week for everyone’s favorite insane, narcissistic, delusional, german video-game-based film director, dr. uwe boll. september 9th saw the release of his newest creation, seed (which i plan to watch this week) and, far more importantly, the director’s cut of his greatest work to date, the house of the dead.

late on a friday night in 2003, i saw the house of the dead in our local theater. i knew i was in for something special when i realized it was the film’s opening night, yet i was alone in the theater. i have yet to meet anyone who has actually seen the film, so as far as i’m aware, i may well be the only person to ever view it. if this were true, it would be a shame, because the film is indeed special. the house of the dead is so spectacularly horrible and inept in every conceivable way that it is the perfect example of a film “so bad it’s good.”

widely regarded as the worst filmmaker working today, boll never disappoints. whether he’s proclaiming himself the only genius in hollywood, ranting incoherently or taking phone calls on commentary tracks, or challenging his critics to boxing matches, boll does not come across as the poster child for sanity. in keeping with his reputation, boll has released the strangest director’s cut ever released: the house of the dead: funny edition.

this edition of the house of the dead is different in several regards.

it opens with terrorists holding director uwe boll hostage, telling him they will force him to watch his own film as punishment for making the worst movies known to man and ruining several talented actor’s careers.
boll gave free reign to one of his critics, allowing them to place “pop-up video” style word balloons throughout the movie, pointing out continuity mistakes and plot holes and generally making fun of the film from beginning to finish.
several shots are replaced with “gag reel” type footage of the same scene from the cutting room floor. these include shots where you can hear boll cursing at his cast, characters inexplicably dancing with fish, the director driving by in a train car, and shots where zombies tell jokes to their screaming victims.
the soundtrack has been replaced with far more annoying and intentionally goofy music
various pieces of dialogue have been replaced with newly recorded lines from the cast
the dvd features an all new commentary track from uwe boll

the end product is a combination of mst3k-esque text quips, stupid jokes and gag reel footage that, when all is said and done, results in what is probably a better film than the original cut. it’s hard to judge something so odd — the original film has a quirky charm to its ineptitude that pushes it so far into the spectrum of bad that i actually ended up liking it. this cut is likely more entertaining, but its intentional humor is not really as funny as the unintentional of the original. still, this is a director’s cut unlike any you are ever likely to witness. like boll himself, the house of the dead is impossible to take seriously and is difficult to hate despite its many flaws. similarly, at first glance uwe boll is an easy man to dislike, but the more films of his you see and the more times you hear his often delusional but self-deprecating commentary tracks, the more likable he, and his films, become. both versions of the the house of the dead are definitely worth a look as they give far different experiences of the same film, one of the best worst zombie movies of all time.

bonus link: check out gameradar’s top 7 worst scenes in uwe boll movies

Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)

Jon — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 20:11:00 +0000

I was excited about seeing Cloverfield in a way that I haven’t been in years. Perhaps it was because of all the hype surrounding the film, as fanboys and girls across the net were heralding it as the first truly American Godzilla and as one of the most intriguing and innovative monster films in decades. And I’m a sucker for monster films. I loved the simplicity and b-grade savvy of Slither, and the parody and allegory of The Host. Of course, I know that hype shouldn’t affect your judgment of a film’s quality, but I couldn’t help but be a little disappointed by Cloverfield.

The film is presented as footage recovered after a giant monster has terrorized and destroyed the Big Apple. The footage is now presumably being used by government officials trying to sort out the details of the disaster. The contents of the film were recorded by a hand held camera, and the film begins by allowing us get to know the unlucky kids who made the video before the real star of the film stomps its way through the city. While the monster is interesting, if reticent and camera-shy, the human characters are largely unlikeable. During the film’s long and unnecessary exposition, we learn that young Rob, the film’s protagonist, has just slept with his supposed best friend Beth. Rob has, of course, been in love with Beth since the beginning of their friendship, but he’s never had the gumption to express himself until now. To make matters worse, he’s about to leave the country without resolving the situation, but only after his best buds throw him a party, all of which is carefully filmed and documented by his dimwitted friend Hud. At the party, Rob confronts Beth after she arrives with a date, they fight, and Beth goes back to her apartment, leaving Rob to brood all by himself. All of this comes across as typical teenage soap-opera blather, and, like his co-stars, Rob is far too naïve and annoying to be accepted as the tragic figure he’s supposed to be.

Thankfully, the melodrama comes to an abrupt halt just as the film is about to turn into a film-length amateur video version of The O.C. or One Tree Hill. A blackout disrupts Rob’s farewell party, followed by a series of loud explosions, ominous smoke, and the distant rumblings of something far more sinister. As the stunned New Yorkers make their way to the streets, they realize the gravity of the situation when the Statue of Liberty’s charred and clawed head crashes into the street before them. It’s an amazing effect, as are many of the action sequences that follow in which Rob risks life and limb to make his way back to Beth’s apartment because she called him earlier to say that she’s injured and unable to move. Along the way, Rob narrowly avoids being stomped, crushed, burned, eaten alive, and shot by the military, with Hud and his camera dutifully tagging along to record it all while offering lots of “hey dude”-style narration. We see just enough of the creature to pique our curiosity, and we never really learn what it is or why it’s there. It’s an effective technique, and it puts us directly into the action of the film.

The problem is that all of this spectacle really amounts to very little substance or story. Of course, there are some blatant, ham-fisted allusions to 9/11, especially in the horrific image of people on the street fleeing from thick bellows of dark smoke, and Beth’s toppled apartment building, but neither the visceral panic of 9/11, nor its lingering after-effects are explored with any depth in this film in the way that Godzilla explores the decades-long fear and pain caused by the atomic bomb, or in the way that The Host critiques an aggressive American foreign policy that continues to exploit the Asian continent. Even the blatantly campy, b-grade film Slither manages to tell a thoroughly charming story about relationships and small-town life.

However, I’ll admit that it probably isn’t fair to compare Cloverfieldto its predecessors, as this is a different kind of film altogether. For example, the film’s lack of on-screen substance derives from its interest in exploring a new kind of realism. The Blair Witch Project popularized this nearly a decade ago, but Cloverfieldmay very well have perfected it. The found-footage technique in Cloverfieldis often seamless, although not even the most hardened and veteran documentary-maker would keep the camera rolling for as long as Hud manages to. Whatever mental aberration compels him to keep the film rolling can’t be healthy, but the film deftly ignores this fact, and when the technique works, it’s compelling to see this level of cinema verite. Sometimes while watching it, I felt less like a movie-goer and more like part spectator, voyeur, and participant in the film’s action. This technique also puts the audience in charge of determining the significance and meaning of what we have just witnessed, just as we would if we stumbled across the found footage.

In itself, the attempt at this kind of realism is hardly new, but the film’s relationship to its audience is indicative of a new spirit animating this decade’s cinema. Much like the The Blair Witch Project’s clever use of a fake documentary about the supposedly real history of the Blair Witch released weeks before the actual film, Cloverfield utilized an aggressive, viral marketing campaign, possibly the largest of its kind, in which fans, even before the actual name of the film was released, could download wallpapers of the now famous image of a headless statue of liberty, watch trailers that only gave hints of the film’s true subject, speculate about the film in blogs, and find clues and supplemental videos and material in an dazzling assortment of both official and fan-based websites. Through clues found only online, intrepid fans eventually learned that the monster is actually a lost infant looking for its mother, and that the sinister Japanese manufacturer of Slusho! soft drinks is somehow involved in it all. New characters in the story have even been introduced online, and new plot threads and theories have been offered or uncovered, all of which is undoubtedly leading to Cloverfield 2.

This is similar to the technique used to supplement the already brilliantly cryptic show Lost (J.J. Abrams, the producer and driving force behind Cloverfield, is Lost’s executive producer) with “webisodes,” puzzles, and a host of online clues that keep fans, myself included, in a state of near paranoid hysteria. It might not deepen the underlying human drama or spiritual allegory implicit in the show’s narrative by going online to learn that the name of the funeral parlor in last year’s finale is an anagram for “flash forward,” but it’s a fun game to play and it makes fans of the show feel less like passive spectators and more like active participants. Cloverfield’s actual story might be too superficial, but the kind of extended, networked mode of story-telling in which the narrative is dispersed and gradually uncovered in multiple forms of media has never been possible until now.

Cloverfield challenges the old-fashioned auteur theory of film-making, which assumes that a single director, and not the actors, editors, special-effects experts, or, heaven-forbid, the audience, determines the film’s meaning. Hitchcock perfected this kind of film with his deliberate, frame-by-frame orchestration, and his famous, albeit tongue-in-cheek, declaration that actors are like cattle and simply need to be told where to stand and what to say. Films such as Cloverfieldsuggest that this might be an outdated model. On its surface , at least, and in terms of its story-telling, it has no author, no authority governing its sequences—its content is seemingly raw, real, and provided by either the actual characters in the story, or found online by fans. This is all an illusion, and a credit to the film’s clever use of both camera technique and marketing strategy. In many ways Cloverfieldis the perfect film for the age of online social networking, a technology that many have been heralding as a democratizing force in American media. With YouTube, for instance, you do not simply watch or consume the content, you provide the content, share it with friends, and, in some cases, become the content. Cloverfieldstrips the distance between audience and film in much the same way as YouTube strips the distance between audience and content. It was probably inevitable that the spirit of online social networking would eventually impact film, as it’s already had a permanent impact on other established forms of media. Newspapers no longer have the same venerable authority or prestige, and reporters are scrambling to keep up with the appeal of the new media, and the speed of viral, networked coverage of events. Bloggers will routinely break stories first, and, in fact, many seasoned, old-fashioned newspaper reporters are now required to maintain blogs and even post to YouTube. This has even changed the nature of the presidential election, as Howard Dean supporters can attest, and as evident in the world’s first YouTube presidential debate co-hosted last year by CNN in which a virtual audience posted video-questions for the candidates.

Of course, 15 years ago, CNN revolutionized media with its omnipresent, 24-7 news cycle. But the blogosphere has radically accelerated it to the point that anything and everything has now become potential content. In fact, I’ll wager that if we give this trend another decade or so, the concept of news (as in what is new and of singular importance) might become obsolete. If the current state of online culture is any indication, the future is likely to hold no real news, just an endless digital sea of data with no authority or overriding thesis to govern it. It might sound utopian, but the danger is that it’s already becoming difficult to sort fact from fiction in the new media, as the famous case of YouTube sensation Lonelygirl15 suggests. Can we place faith in what we see and read in the hands of pundits, marketers, and amateurs without some sort of professional body to at least partly govern and referee it? Or will these values become irrelevant as they give over to a new aesthetic that values the sheer viral speed at which we can consume, produce, and be entertained?

These are precisely the questions addressed by George Romero’s Diary of the Dead. While Cloverfieldis at least sympathetic with, if not emblematic of, the age of the internet, Diary of the Dead is an explicit critique of it. Romero’s zombie films have always been full of big ideas. As he has put it, “show me a problem and I’ll stick a zombie on it.” His original Night of the Living Dead is really about man’s inhumanity to man, and Dawn of the Dead is really a parody of the grotesque and aggressive nature of suburban consumerism.

Romero’s thesis in Diary of the Dead is even more ambitious and complex than in his previous films. Diary of the Dead is an extended and nuanced argument that the digital age has made us so distracted and self-absorbed that we can no longer process the world around us with any real empathy or reason. This has the potential for political disaster, as the film argues, but Romero probes an even deeper question: before we become so radically networked, virally extended and omnipresent, and before we make ourselves the stars and content of our own media, shouldn’t we first make sure that our basic humanity warrants it?

As with Cloverfield, the plot of Diary of the Dead is minimalist and is presented as amateur video. The film begins with a news reporter narrating a story about the death of an immigrant family, the sort of story that reporters froth at the mouth to cover. However, the story is interrupted when the family suddenly spring back to life and attack the ambulance crew attending to them. The reporter is horrified by this, but only because it’s ruining her story, and her only reaction is an annoyed “For God’s sake, I thought they were dead.”

At this point, the news footage is interrupted by the voice-over of a narrator who explains that “we downloaded this footage off the internet” and that it was “uploaded by the ambulance driver in an attempt to tell the truth.” The narrator then tells us that what we have just seen is the introduction to a cautionary film called The Death of Death that documents the zombie epidemic and collapse of mainstream media and government by piecing together news footage, a horror film involving mummies by Jason Creed (a University of Pittsburgh student), plus miscellaneous downloaded content, home movies, and raw footage from the film crew’s hand held camera.

Let me try to put this in a more precise, mathematical formula:

Diary of the Dead = The Death of Death = news footage + a student film + downloaded footage + home movies + handheld footage.

If this is still confusing, don’t blame me; my head is still reeling from trying to unpeel all the layers to this film. What is so ironic and clever about this is that the narrator’s stated intention is to warn us about the zombies and provide some tips as to how to survive. A simple, linear, and informed guide would probably be the best format for this, and I think this is precisely Romero’s point. The actual zombie menace is embedded in a news story, imbedded in a student film, supplemented by downloaded footage, and tied together with a shaky, hand-held camera. The unlucky person watching this documentary would be zombie-chow long before they figured it all out. It is the sort of disaster, Romero suggests, that would happen if we start relying exclusively on the internet to get the news that matters the most.

To say that Diary of the Dead is self-referential is an understatement. This is a film that feeds on itself like a cannibalistic, self-mutilating ghoul. For example, at one moment in her documentary, Deb films one of her fellow film-makers downloading the internet content that she has already included in the documentary. In another sequence, she pleads with Jason to stop filming and find safe shelter, while another student films their ensuing argument about his reluctance to miss even one second of potential footage. And the film ends by mimicking the entire opening of Jason’s mummy film, only the actor playing the mummy is now truly undead.

Aside from its insistent meta-cinema, and despite Deb’s narration, nothing really ties the film together. It is structured more as a series of vignettes, each with its own viewpoint and subtext. For instance, in one sequence, Andrew Maxwell, Jason’s drunken but still eloquent film professor , lectures on how the incessant, non-stop filming of atrocities in places such as Iraq detaches us from it in a way that makes us culpable. By mediating everything we see, we feel a false sense of empowerment and absolution and are less likely to truly understand or engage with what we see. We become as apathetic as zombies, and our media has therefore become our very own diary of the dead. It’s a politically dangerous and morally compromised stance, as the film’s tagline, “Shoot the Dead,” also suggests. There are also vignettes about gender and realism in the horror genre, plus segments involving the national guard that illustrate what happens when people who are untrained and unprepared for war (be it with terrorists or zombies) are suddenly given that role. Romero packs a lot of politics into a relatively short amount of time, as everyone in the film has their own point-of-view that they feel entitled to either upload or profess.

Somewhere in all of this, I swear to God, are actual zombies. But the film is so busy with its constant self-referencing and multiple viewpoints that I had a hard time finding them. I found myself yearning for the simpler, more innocent pleasures of watching zombies eat people. Such moments are rare in this film, and I know it’s all intentional. Romero makes it clear that the film’s multimedia format is a lousy substitute for the direct communication of ideas. For example, in my favorite scene from this movie, Deb and her crew stop at an Amish farm to repair their van. The farmer is mute and tries to desperately communicate with the kids as they sneer and snicker behind their cameras. He finally gets his point across by simply writing the word “hurry” and then “back door” on his little hand held chalkboard. They’re all about to be gang-eaten by a pack of hungry zombies and he’s just provided them with their only means of escape. They’re just lucky he didn’t waste time by trying to email them the message.

Diary of the Dead goes a long way in arguing that the new media may not be the best model for making genuine films, and that in the digital age, we’re even more obligated to sometimes put aside our technology and actually think about what we’re documenting. But in making his case, Romero has made a film that is tiring to watch. It’s an important film with big ideas in the way that Cloverfield could never be, but in many ways, Cloverfield is better, if only because it’s more entertaining and could point the way to a new kind of viral story-telling whose full potential has yet to be realized. Still, the peek-a-boo logic of its neo-realism made me miss traditional monsters in the same way that Diary of the Dead made me miss zombies. All the flippant teasing in Cloverfield and fussy preaching in Diary of the Dead made realize that I still prefer my horror films the same way I prefer my alcohol. Nothing is wrong with a fruity concoction of exotic mixtures shaken and stirred in a loud, trendy bar every now and then, but you really can’t beat the simplicity of a whisky straight up.

The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

Corey — Sat, 17 May 2008 01:24:00 +0000

hannibal lecter once said:

How do we begin to covet, Clarice?
Do we seek out things to covet?
No, we begin by coveting what we see every day.

i humbly disagree. the only thing i can see from where i’m sitting right now is a half full cherry coke bottle and an empty tape dispenser. those aren’t really the kinds of things i’m aching to possess… so i usually need to go out looking for objects of envy. like all genre fans, i collect dvds and books… but one of the more frivolous pursuits most of us horror fans have in common is the love of horror-related toys. i love movie collectibles — my desk and home are littered with things like posable michael myers action figures, a plastic hellraiser puzzle box (or ‘lament configuration,’ if you want to sound all knowledgeable and stuff) and a giant jason voorhees that screeches “ch-ch-ch ah-ah-ah” when you push a button on his back. like all obsessive collectors though, there is always room for more and i often find myself searching ebay and online toy stores for the latest horror chotchke to place on my desk at work or around my tiny apartment. i rarely actually order anything, but i almost always find cool and interesting things that i just can’t quite justify spending so much money on but would buy in a second if there was no longer a need for things like food, shelter, dog biscuits or socks. so, that’s what i’m going to share with you today… some of the bitchin’-est models, action figures, replicas and horror-related odds & ends i’ve recently run across, so that we may collectively salivate over them together.

the exorcist spider walk regan action figure
price: $16.99

those who haven’t seen the exorcist: the version you’ve never seen (and really, with a name like that there’s likely to be a few) will probably wonder why you have a doll of a 12-year old girl in a night-gown doing a back-bend in your room… but screw it. that scene was freakin’ creepy and so is this figurine.

cloverfield movie monster
price: $99.99

a bit pricey at $100, but damn this toy version of clover is cool. it stands 14″ tall, comes with 10 parasites, the head of the statue of liberty and features ‘authentic sounds.’ i only hope those sounds aren’t what makes up most of the dialogue in the film, which would just be a constant loop of “rob, dude. dude. rob, hey. rob. we gotta go. rob. dude.”

alien pile statue
price: $234.99

ok, like many of items listed here — this defies any description other than “awesome!”

and they’re so cute… i imagine if these guys were your pets, they’d sit in front of the door just like this while you were at work… waiting anxiously for you to come home.

alien 400% kubrick figure
price: $67.49

i’m not sure why these lego-type versions of characters are called ‘kubricks’ (i assume it has nothing to do with stanley), but they sure are adorable. most are rather small, but this one stands almost a foot high and is based off the original giger designs for alien. this would make a terrific present for any adult sci-fi/horror fan… or a really crappy one for your five-year old nephew.

alien 18-inch classic figure
price: $49.99

ok, i’m completely getting one of these when they’re released. so few of the alien toys feature the clear dome skull (most go for the crinkly, less interesting heads used in cameron’s film). at 18-inches tall, this guy will be able to do mock-battles with my giant new blood jason voorhees, which is a big plus.

alien warrior life size replica
price: $4500.00

ok, i’m completely not getting one of these… but not for a lack of desire. the price is a bit out of my range, but holy god… when people came over to your place they’d either think you were the coolest guy in all the land… or the creepiest.

movable lament configuration
price: $419.00

one of the disappointments of owning a hellraiser puzzle box is that it’s never going to move around and make all the crazy shapes it does in the movie, nor will it open a doorway to hell. the latter is probably ok, but the former would be frickin’ awesome… well, this box comes the closest in that it will actually make the first two moves of the puzzle. hand-crafted from mahogany and etched in brass, it’s rather amazing looking as well.

puzzle box signed
price: $129.99

i’m quite fond of this box because while it may not move, it does come in the nifty display case… which would really be the only way to display it in your home. get a couple of them like dr. channard did in the film and display them next to a bloody mattress for added creepiness.

hellraiser paperweight
price: $19.99

for the budget-minded or those looking for a more modern take on the classic lament configuration, here’s a clear version. it seems to have the words ‘hellraiser’ printed on it though, which i’d prefer it didn’t.

frank figure
price: $13.99

who wouldn’t want a tiny skinnless frank in a suit, and it appears to come with frank’s trademark cigarette and switchblade as well. now if they’d only make a ‘frank strung up on hooks & chains emanating from the depths of hell’ christmas tree ornament, i’d be set.

dr. channard statue
price: $239.99

i don’t know that dr. channard was one of my favorite characters, but those tentacles coming out of his hands making flowers and razors and stuff were pretty cool. as far as mobility, he’s sorta limited by this tentacle thing attached to his head leading him around which sorta makes him hell’s yo-yo, i guess — but he’s still pretty cool.

brundle-fly statue
price: $194.99

of all the tiny statues of jeff goldblum that are out there… this is the one to have.

american werewolf 2-pack
price: $22.49

i have wanted this toy for over 20 years now… i absolutely love the design of the werewolf in an american werewolf in london, but he’s never been in toy form before. i was so disappointed when i heard years ago they’d released a figure from the film and it just ended up being one of those nazi guys from the dream sequence — what were they thinking? anyway, they finally did it right and created a werewolf/meatloaf jack two-pack, which i promptly accidentally let my fiancée know was something i couldn’t live without. inspired by pure love, i’m fairly certain that she rushed out and pre-ordered it for my birthday… over a year ago. the release date has been pushed back more times than i can remember, but i am certain that it will arrive in time for one of my birthdays in the coming years.

american werewolf life-size prop
price: $5500.00

if i won a million dollars, this would be the first thing i’d buy. not a car, house or speedboat… this. i’d sit it next to the couch and use it as an arm rest and sit my soda in its mouth… and see how many years it’d be before my dogs (and possibly my fiancée) came out from hiding under the bed.

dog soldiers figure
price: $6.93

while not as cool as the above werewolves, i quite liked the dog soldiers design as well. and at 5,493 dollars and 7 cents cheaper than the previous item… it’s quite the bargain.

trilogy of terror zuni figure
price: $88.00

while most toys are a pale imitation of what they’re based on, it’s not all that hard to make a doll version of a doll… so this is an almost perfect version of the tiny, angry dude from the 70s made-for-tv-movie. if this was sitting on my bookcase i’d have to install motion sensors in the living room to be able to sleep. just in case.

the new blood scream scene statue
price: $179.99

jason in friday the 13th part 7 has always been my favorite incarnation of the crystal lake killer. i have two figures based on him already, but i’d be happy to have another showing how he begins the film… still trapped at the bottom of crystal lake, bobbing around like a fish aquarium treasure chest.

bag head jason figure
price: $14.99

scary bag-head jason is scary. i really need to pick one of these up sometime so that i have a itty bitty version of the creepiest version of jason voorhees.

jason plush
price: $27.99

plush jason is just way too cool for school. i actually couldn’t resist and ordered one of these while working on this article…. he’s just so cute!

jason animated maquette
price: $80.99

friday the 13th: the animated series is just too fabulous of an idea to ever actually exist in our reality. this statue is likely as close as we’ll come to seeing it.

silver shampain final chapter mask
price: $110.00

these masks seem to be the best compromise between quality and price that i’ve found. this site offers versions of jason’s mask from every film… i’m seriously considering getting a final chapter or new blood one from this site or the next one.

ruste dowg new blood mask
price: $170.00-$200.00

this site also offers masks from every film and more variations as well. these seem to be higher quality than those on the previous site, and the price reflects that. another option is ordering a mask from frightstuff.com and painting it yourself… or hiring one of the artists in their forums to paint it for you, which is where i found ruste dowg’s site.

ultra cthulhu statue
price: $224.99

who wouldn’t want a statue of one of ‘the great old ones’ on their mantle? standing 14″ tall, this is probably significantly smaller than the actual cthulhu, but looks fantastic regardless.

freddy krueger glove replica
price: $134.99

i’ve never loved freddy quite as much as jason or michael, but i have to admit that the glove is rather stylin’. far more realistic and menacing than the golf glove/plastic knife/duct tape combo i created in middle-school, this thing would look great in the living room or stuffed in your basement furnace.

texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning set
price: $24.74

you would not want this out when the in-laws stopped by. few of these toys are truly grotesque, but this one breaks that trend by being just as disturbing as the scene it was based on. i’m not sure i’d actually want to own this, but i have to admit it makes an impression and is making me want to go back and revisit the film.

day of the dead dr. tongue figure
price: $16.18

apart from the american werewolf, this is the toy i always dreamed of… but never thought would actually get made. dr. tongue is my favorite zombie of all time, but he’s only on-screen in day of the dead for five or six seconds. based on some of savini’s most imaginative work, this is the next action figure i’ll end up ordering… just as soon as it’s released later this year (or, if it follows the release schedule of the american werewolf figure, sometime around 2014).

REC

Corey — Mon, 05 May 2008 18:32:00 +0000

it’s a bit shocking that its taken hollywood almost a full decade to successfully rip-off the highly effective ‘found footage’ structure from the blair witch project, but that seems to be the case. the long wait for more nausea-inducing shaky-cam footage is over though, as this year gives us both cloverfield (rowr!) and the upcoming quarantine. the latter is the american remake of the spanish film rec, a blair witch-esque take on zombies. quarantine is a bit strange in that it’s the only remake i know of that was already planned before the original film had even been released. i don’t know if quarantine will be any good, but i do think it’s kind of sad that most american horror fans won’t be exposed to rec simply because it has subtitles. i have heard that the trailers for quarantine blatantly give away the ending to rec, so i have avoided watching them thus far…

i imagine rec will eventually find its way to a region 1 dvd release, but in the meantime the best way to see it is to either a) live in a different country or b) peruse the back alleys and darker corners of the interwebs and find a bootleg. i won’t tell you which of these options i chose, however i have now successfully viewed rec in its entirety, and i have to say that i’m fairly impressed. i don’t know that it’s the scariest movie ever (as many bloggers have claimed) but it’s entertaining and inventive, particularly for such a low budget film. these shaky-cam, first-person horror films are most effective in a theater surrounded by a screaming audience… so this may explain why i wasn’t as completely blown away as some (similar to the way many found blair witch rather dull when watched on dvd, while i found it terrifying opening night in a sold-out screening). however, regardless of how you see it, it is an unsettling and effective picture with engaging characters and an interesting story that unfolds at a quick, steady pace. ultimately for me, though, it didn’t fully live up to the expectations set by the trailer (see below).

i’m interested to hear other’s thoughts that have seen it. i loved the final scene which utterly creeped me out, but i couldn’t stop thinking about one minor scene early on that bugged me because it broke the rules of the “found footage” framework. it’s a little hard to describe, but for those that have seen cloverfield… do you remember right after the statue of liberty scene where they decide to rewind the tape and rewatch what had been recorded? what happened from the audience viewpoint is the tape stops then restarts with the people discussing their reviewing of the footage. a similar scene occurs in rec… but what you see is the movie actually rewind and replay itself so that the characters in the film can rewatch it. from a “we’re actually watching the video tape recovered from the camera” point of view, that makes no sense. however, that’s a minor complaint and likely something i should have just ignored given i’d already suspended my disbelief enough to accept, without question, the existence of the living dead.

Jon’s Haiku Reviews

Jon — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 00:33:00 +0000

I admit that I’m really an old-fashioned kind of guy. I listen to the radio, I teach poetry using an old-fashioned chalkboard, and I even get most of my news from the newspaper. Some days, I feel like an analog fossil. So I’ve been racking my brain about how to reconcile my love of all things linear and static with the expediency of blogging in a fast-paced, hyperlinked Web 2.0 world. And I think I’ve found the solution: haiku. It’s an art form that is perfectly suited for combining the durability of print with the ephemeral nature of digital media. I am therefore presenting my first of many “haiku reviews” of contemporary horror films. I’ve got a substantial backlist of films that I’m eager to review, but I’m happy to take any requests left in the comment field.

Michael needs a hug
after killing dad. He’s still
evil on two legs.

Halloween (2007)

Special forces dad
turns tables with dogs and bow.
In woods, bullies die.

Wilderness (2006)

“They all taste the same”?
Cheerleaders, convicts, who cares?
Andre is boring.

Andre the Butcher (2005)

Johnny Cash sings. Hell
has no room. Zombies are back,
better than before.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Jon Finally Sees Grindhouse

Jon — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 15:05:57 +0000

Grindhouse: Planet Terror (2007)

I finally watched both installments of Grindhouse over the weekend. I really didn’t know what to expect, as I’d heard both good and bad reviews, plus the film bombed at the box office. Rodriguez’s Planet Terror is not only a carefully studied homage to the golden age of exploitative horror before the gloss of cgi effects and big budgets, it’s also the most fun I’ve had watching a DVD in a very long time. Of course, the double feature Grindhouse is in part an experiment to see if the look and feel of exploitation film from decades past can be recreated. Planet Terror comes complete with a fake trailer and a wonderfully nostalgic, low-budget bumper. The film even has a grainy look to it, with built-in missing frames. All of this makes you feel as if you’re watching an authentic b-grade film in some small, dirty theater on a lazy Saturday afternoon, and I loved every minute of it. But this film is much more than an experiment. Rodriguez proves that b-grade filmmaking is an art form in its own right. His soundtrack is compelling, the film’s pacing is nearly perfect, and the acting is brilliant. Rose McGowan is especially fun to watch in her role of the iconic hooker with a heart of gold, and Freddy Rodriguez is equally impressive as El Wray (whose name is a nod to Rodriguez’s From Dusk to Dawn). We all know that zombies can be used as metaphors for consumerism, apathy, man’s inhumanity to man, the effects of war, and every societal ill you can think of. But let’s face it, the idea of a zombie film as social criticism gets rather silly after awhile. If you really want to provide trenchant social criticism, there are more sophisticated and cogent metaphors you could use other than zombies. There are obligatory gestures in this film that link the zombies with the evils of the military industrial complex, but, thankfully, Rodriguez doesn’t indulge in this metaphor and instead keeps his thrills transparent and cheap: simple sex appeal, lots of blood and gore, and abstract conflicts between good and evil. Rodriguez is the sort of director that instinctively knows this formula works and that it’s one of the reasons we go to movies in the first place.

Grindhouse: Death Proof (2007)

Death Proof proves that Tarantino has an impeccable ear for music and a good eye for casting. Not only does Tarantino have what must be the world’s largest record collection, he has also mastered the art of choosing a soundtrack that builds mood and atmosphere, while also defining his characters. I suppose it’s a cheap trick, but watching characters on screen listening to their favorite music is infectious, especially when the music is so rare and idiosyncratic. Tarantino knew what he was doing when he cast the then down-on-his-luck actor John Travolta as Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. It was equally surprising to see Kurt Russell as the grizzled, out-of-work stuntman turned serial killer, but his performance was flawless. Tarantino has obvious gifts as a film maker, and his films are consistently accomplished, but he’s sometimes too clever and too indulgent for his own good. For instance, the snappy dialogue in Pulp Fiction was necessary in defining the ironically charming and laid-back relationship between Vincent and Jules. In Death Proof the barrage of one-liners and studied cool gets a bit annoying. Every syllable the characters utter is chosen for maximum attitude and hip-ness, and I caught myself thinking about how tiresome it would be to be stuck in a car with them. I do love the way Tarantino turns the tables in the second half of the film. Stuntman Mike is emblematic of a past age of filmmaking, and he’s having his revenge against the modern world as much as the scantily clad vixens that no longer find him sexy. While the characters in the first half are all relatively easy prey, the characters in the second half work in the film industry and transform themselves on-screen into the she-devils from Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! It’s as if Stuntman Mike becomes trapped in his own nightmarish movie. I enjoy this sort of meta-cinema, and Tarantino is very good at it, but by now he’s worn it all a bit thin. He manages to keep the meta-cinema subtle in Jackie Brown while still having fun with it. But in Death Proof he gets sidetracked too many times by his own artistry. It’s as if Tarantino has fallen so deeply in love with film and his film-making that he over-indulges. Planet Terror never tries to be anything other than a grindhouse film, and this makes it thoroughly successful, while Tarantino can’t help but make a Tarantino film. However, by the end of Death Proof, he seems to remember the task at hand. The ending is fast-paced, gut-wrenching, and, lucky for us, Tarantino gets out of the way long enough to let it actually work.

RE: Your Brains

Corey — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 18:07:52 +0000

jonathan coulton is getting a lot of attention lately for writing perhaps the catchiest ending song for any video game ever (still alive for portal, perhaps the only perfect game ever created). however, he also has a lot of other great songs such as tom cruise crazy and code monkey… but for me, you can’t beat the song below. which is lucky, since it’s the only one of the songs with a horror theme.

Jonathan Coulton
RE: Your Brains

Nazi Zombies!

Corey — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:01:00 +0000

i recently came across a rather amazing book, shock! horror!: astounding artwork from the video nasty era. i think i’m fairly knowledgeable of ’70s and ’80s horror, but it appears i missed a rather interesting piece of history from the early 1980′s in the UK – the era of the video nasties.

when the VCR first appeared in the united kingdom, there was plenty of regulation to control the content of films during theatrical display — but little to control content when films were displayed in the home. due to a fear of piracy, major studios were reluctant to release films in the new format (similar to what we’re seeing now with downloadable video), so to fill the void low-budget studios flooded the new market producing primarily horror and soft-core porn. the laws finally caught up with the VCR in 1985, but in the preceding years neither a film’s content nor its cover art had to conform to any clear set of standards. the DPP (director of public prosecutions) list was created, which was a constantly changing list of banned tapes. seizures and destruction of tapes became a frequent occurrence.

to a large degree, the content of the films on this list is unremarkable. most are imported US or italian films and surprisingly, many of them don’t contain anything modern audiences would find particularly shocking (although there are exceptions). what is remarkable is the cover art of many of these films. to attract rentals through controversy, many of the tapes use cover art meant to titillate and shock and are usually far more effective than anything contained on the tapes inside.

shock! horror! contains a huge number of covers from this era, and i thought it would be interesting if we took a look at some of them. there are so many, however, that i’m going to break this into several posts over the next few weeks and group them into genres.

first up: zombie films

who is charles hamm? and why does he get better billing than j.r.? it’s an italian film so i’m pretty sure ‘chuck hamm’ is unlikely to be a common name. unlike a lot of the covers we’ll be looking at, i actually remember seeing this as a kid and it wasn’t bad.

that is really… gross. flesh eaters x… or maybe that x is the rating? or punctuation? regardless, that’s a pretty groovy cover. i question the choice of font colors, particularly against that background image, but then again they did warn me… nothing will prepare me for what i’ll SEE.

there is so much to love about this. every thing about it just screams ‘this forest will very likely cause you to experience fear to some degree.’ the slack-jawed fellow is really selling it. i think what i love most though is that this is a zombie movie — and i’m not sure i would have ever guessed that without looking it up.

ok, winner. hands down. i love the image of the zombie… he’s got the whole ‘hostel-asian-girl eyeball’ thing working for him. but the tagline is the clincher. ‘death was the only living thing.’ it takes a lot of talent to come up with something that poetic and nonsensical. and if that weren’t enough, it’s filmed in DEAD colour! how can anything presented in DEAD colour be bad?

another fulci zombie epic, but i haven’t seen this one. the title reminds me of the hannibal lecter line… ‘what do we covet? do we seek out things to covet? no. we begin by coveting what we see every day.’ these zombies didn’t crawl from their graves and go traveling caravan-style across the countryside to find a big city to invade… no, they were lazy and just went for the first place they saw. the house next to the cemetery.

i’m not really sure what i’m supposed to take away from this. 1879 was a really important year? bloody hands really leave a mess? rope is coming back as a fashion accessory?

blonds have more fun. and they’re dead. and they don’t center their titles very well.

this one kind of plays into the next genre i plan to tackle… nazi movies. at least i think it has something to do with nazis, since they put that swastika up there. i really feel sorry for the poor guy stuck in the middle of the desert at the brink of death who thinks he’s found salvation only to find the living dead sitting under a tree next to the pool.

are those 3 supposed to be the zombies? they look more surprised than anything else, like they just woke up and found someone stealing their stereo. in the ocean. and what’s with the tagline? we’ve already established the flesh is creeping. now you’re going to claim the flesh is living but the dead are creeping? this film is also known as zombi 4… and zombi 5.

i didn’t notice until now that there’s definitely a water theme in all these. i never knew zombies loved the water so much (altho i do have fond memories of that zombie/shark fight from zombi 2). also — zombies lake? is that possessive (i.e., this lake was bought and paid for by a zombified corpse)… or is it a lake inhabited by zombies? if the latter, wouldn’t it just be ‘zombie lake’ then? still… i really like the eric stoltz look-alike in the back, who seems to be the only one with functioning eyeballs.

i do believe someone took inspiration from a slightly more well-known zombie film’s tagline. however, i would love to see the earth ‘spit out’ a zombie. the rainbow in the corner is a nice touch… it’s comforting in a way and will probably take the edge off whatever that ‘warning’ is on the reverse. i also admire the usage of ellipses… and the sporadic use of capitalization. this is actually an alternate cover/title to fulci’s occasionally brilliant zombi 2.