Somethingawful.com used to run a fashion feature looking at clothes from old catalogs, websites and similar sources. Thinking back on that while re-watching the Friday the 13th series recently, it occurred to us that fashion is an integral, if often overlooked, aspect of the series and it deserves far more attention than it receives. To remedy this glaring oversight, we are proud to present the first part of a continuing series, “The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake.” Additionally, in an Eo2L first, since we’re looking at fashion we’ve invited a guest writer — A GIRL. As a female, A GIRL is imminently qualified to comment on fashion, being innately given all fashion knowledge at birth, just like Project Runway mentor, Tim Gunn.
Corey: In this rustic Hazzard County-esque setting, Marcie sports a lovely maternity smock while Ned gives Jimmy Buffet’s shirt collection a run for its money.
Jon: While a bewildered Kevin Bacon gives up looking for his shirt buttons.
A GIRL: Marcie has the right idea with a casual look for a rural outing, but the execution is poor. Her top hits at the widest part of her hips, while her jeans taper from the thigh, giving her the look not of a lithe, willowy, soon-to-be viciously murdered teen, but more that of a poorly rendered statue of a lesser fertility goddess.
Corey: In the picture above and the one on the far left, his arms are closely held at his sides making him kinda look like a jack-in-the-box that just popped out of that tree trunk. I have to admit though, he looks very GQ in that last photo, what with the gold chain, Tom Cruise crazy-smile and hip swagger goin’ on.
Jon: You’ve got to give him credit for striking such a perfect Marlboro Man pose, but at the rate he’s losing those buttons, his shirt’s going to be at his ankles by the time we get to his death scene.
A GIRL: I believe Kevin is using a deep v-neck to elongate his torso, and a gold chain to bring attention toward his face. GQ indeed.
Jon: It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow striped Cousteau bikini, that he wore for the first time today.
Corey: I’ve always thought my crotch was missing something, and now I know what it is… yellow racing stripes.
A GIRL: Kevin is missing a few small elements that would really bring this ensemble together, such as a shirt, pants, shoes, socks, and ideally a hat to tame that shrubbery of a hairdo.
Corey: I see no problems with this outfit.
Jon: I agree in the strongest possible terms.
A GIRL: This outfit really expresses the 80s time period. I can’t believe that neither Corey nor Jon noticed that she really should be wearing a thong to avoid that pesky VPL.
Jon: Is it just me, or does Mrs. Voorhees look like she ought to be whistling the Old Spice tune, or singing a sea shantie?
Corey: I agree. Give her a corncob pipe and a yellow rain hat and she could be on a box of fish sticks.
A GIRL: What a clever halloween costume Mrs. Voorhees has created. I would never have thought of dressing up as dryer lint.
Jon: Sloppy Joes, sloppy, sloppy Joes, yeah! Sloppy Joes, sloppy, sloppy Joes, yeah!
Corey: This image of Trudy the waitress brings back many fond memories of late-nights at the Waffle House and uncontrollable feelings of the need to regurgitate. It’s also worth pointing out that Trudy’s glasses, if hit in just the right way on a sunny day by a stray beam of sunlight, can literally burn out customers retinas, leaving nothing behind but smoking eye sockets and unnatural screams of anguish and pain.
A GIRL: I believe Trudy is a fasion DO for being unafraid of bold color combinations. Too often we see women of size hiding behind drab and shapeless clothing, so it’s refreshing to see her sporting this robin’s egg blue and yellow combo.
Jon: Most people don’t realize that Camp Crystal lake is actually situated on a sacred Indian burial ground. This is Chief Chicken Leg, proud member of the Tighty-whitey Tribe and sworn defender of his ancestral lands.
Corey: Slasher films always feature the attention-whoring prankster/geek character, and I believe this trend started with the introduction of Ned, pictured here. Part 2 may have Ted, Part 3 may have Shelly, but there will always be a special place in my heart for the racially insensitive clothing, near-fatal archery pranks and horrible impersonations of Ned, the archetypal über-annoying slasher fodder character.
A GIRL: In fashion, two wrongs make me nauseated. The feathered headdress does not draw my eye away from the unnecessary display of underpants. Instead, I look back and forth from head to, er, area, more and more rapidly in a futile attempt to escape from the dastardly duo of faux pas, until collapsing in a sick dizzy heap.
Jon: It’s probably good that THIS guy was never in the same scene with the Indian Kid. I’m pretty sure the Village People would have sued over copyright infringement.
Corey: Steve, you’re going to be so embarrassed when you get home and see yourself in this movie. Except for your upper lip, you’re like completely naked… with no clothes on. For decency’s sake, hide your shame.
A GIRL: This character may have been on the cutting edge of the metro-sexual revolution, in his fearless use of an unnecessary accessory.
Jon: This is so ridiculous. I mean just LOOK at that. He’s painting that railing without even applying one coat of primer. Geesh.
Corey: I’m not sure I can articulate exactly why, but whenever I look at this outfit and the expression on this guy’s face… all I can imagine is him singing the theme to “Boosom Buddies.”
A GIRL: When i see him, all I can imagine is the video for “Freeze Frame.”
Jon: Ok, now this film is really creeping me out, because I never noticed it before, but my grandmother has a big pink bath robe that looks just like that one.
Corey: Yet another insulting example of sexist film-makers dressing their female leads in revealing, unrealistic attire in order to attract their target demographic — the teenage male.
A GIRL: Industry insiders refer to this as the ‘I give up’ nightdress, worn by girls who can no longer be bothered to find something chaste yet alluring to wear in the woods. I think it comes from the same collection as Marcie’s top.
Jon: Why are the men in this film more feminine than the women? Pamela Voorhees is dressed like a sea captain, and the final girl is dressed like a gender-neutral cowboy.
A GIRL: I agree with Jon. Alice’s wardrobe seems to have been designed with her younger brother in mind. But, if anyone is a fan, I’m pretty sure you can still get those pants at L.L. Bean (I can get you a two-for-one coupon).
Corey: Alice is not just one of the worst final girls, she’s also one of the worst dressed. It’s hard to believe they went from such a horrible final girl to Ginny in just one film, but that they did. Stay tuned because we look at the greatest final girl of all time (Ginny) and her well-dressed compatriates from Friday the 13th Part 2 in the next installment.