Films I Wish Were Real

I’m too embarrassed to disclose every detail of my fantasy life, but I don’t mind sharing the ones that involve horror films. So even though these films don’t exist, rest assured that if this website ever makes me stinking rich or somehow launches me into a career as a Hollywood producer, at least one of the following films will come to a theater near you.

Prawn of the Dead
directed by Larry Blamire

Tagline: The deadliest catch just got deadlier.

Plot: In the summer of 2005, the crew of Louisiana shrimp boat Laffitte Morte unleash a briny hell in the gulf when they discover a new species of anthropods living off the toxic waste of a sunken trash barge. Lance Henriksen stars as Bernard, the ship’s stalwart captain who must convince his inexperienced crew, including his little brother Jimmy, his stowaway daughter Sue, the greenhorn Edmond, and the mysterious Cajun cook Mr. Savoi, to risk life and livelihood to stop the mutant shrimp invasion before it can reach the unsuspecting fishing town of Port Petite.

Most Controversial Scene: While some may find the sea-monster sex scene merely gratuitous, Blamire treats it with the utmost sensitivity and proves even the goriest of monster-movies can be directed with a flair for the romantic if handled correctly.

Bikini Girls with Machine Guns
directed by Quentin Tarantino

Tagline: Hell hath no fury like a woman armed!

Plot: Director Quentin Tarantino returns to the screen with another grindhouse thriller. When a gang of vicious inmates from Raleigh, North Carolina make a daring escape from the Women’s Correctional Facility, they soon terrorize the small, southern town of Zebulon. Sherrif Jacob Richard is the only man with guts enough to stand up to this Dixie stampede of blood, booze, and blonde fury. After his friends and deputies abandon him, Jacob soon finds himself alone in a desperate, “high-noon” showdown with the gang’s beautiful but psychotic leader, Titania Santanna. The film stars Josh Brolin as Sherrif Jacob, and Cynthia Rothrock as Titania. The film aslo features an original soundtrack by The Kills, The Cramps, and Donita Sparks of L7.

Most Memorable Quote: “Don’t let their bikinis fool you. I’m telling you these women are concealing enough guns to blow this town to Hell and back and then back to Hell again!” — Sherrif Jacob Richard

The Book of Job
directed by Eli Roth

Tagline: And on the 8th day, God created horror.

Plot: Job is the most pious man in the world. But God and the Devil have a bitter argument over whether his virtue is truly sincere or simply the product of his good fortune and prosperity. To prove the Devil wrong, God allows the Devil to torture Job by destroying his house, killing all of his children, and mutilating his flesh. Through all of it, God wagers that Job will stay faithful and obedient. Eli Roth directs this horrific morality tale that stars Russel Crowe as a brawling, barrel-chested Job, Gilbert Gottfried as the loud, funny-looking Devil, and Samuel L. Jackson as the foul-mouthed and wildly unpredictable God of the old testament.

Goriest Moments: In an early scene, Job is tied to a large stone slab as the Devil slices the flesh from his upper right thigh with a large, rusty scythe while his terrified wife watches in horror from behind a nearby bush. In a later scene, the Devil savagely rips each festering boil from Job’s skin with a dull shard of glass as they wrestle in a large cauldron of oil and vinegar. In a deleted scene available only in the unrated DVD version of the film, God gets angry when it looks like he might lose the wager and dismembers the Devil’s tail by pinning it to a tree with a fork and then hacking it with his ceremonial golden axe.

Blue Velvet 2
directed by David Lynch

Tagline: She wore bluer velvet.

Plot: In the follow-up to Lynch’s controversial masterpiece, Dean Stockwell reprises his role as Ben, who is now reformed and the proprietor of the recently re-opened Slow Club. But Ben’s world turns upside down when a mysterious man in a lime-green cowboy hat presents him with a bag of toenail clippings. To make matters worse, Ben learns that his new lounge singer, Elizabeth, turns out to be the little sister of Dorothy, the woman he once terrorized. Elizabeth does not seem to know about Ben’s violent past, but her onstage behavior becomes increasingly erratic as she insists on only singing Jonathan Coulton’s “Blue Sunny Day.” Ben begins to question his own sanity and whether he can escape his past and finally find redemption.

Questions: Fans of this film have been asking about the significance of the singing garden gnome, as well as the blood-soaked paisley tie worn by Ben’s twin brother and the moss-covered tie worn by Frank in the dream sequence. In response to these questions, Lynch set the record straight in a recent tweet in which he said that all questions will soon be “harmonized in an automatic manner in the vision of all the people” and that you can always “know that, by knowing which, all things are known.”

Baudelaire’s Flowers of Evil
directed by Pascal Laugier

Tagline: His name rhymes with “scare.”

Plot: Fans of classic literature and torture porn can now be united in Laugier’s riveting adaptation of the French work that inspired the modernist movement in poetry. The film features an ensemble cast of international stars, including Mathieu Almaric as the ancient, binge-drinking “Le Vampire,” Christina Aguilera as the defiantly diseased and disgusting “Red-haired Beggar Girl,” Gary Oldman as the mysterious and seductive “Dancing Serpent,” and members of the Rolling Stones as “The Seven Old Men.”

From the DVD director’s commentary: “Benoit Lestang did all the brilliant special effects you’re seeing, and I should actually give him partial credit in prompting me to make this film. He fell asleep one day during the filming of Martyrs and he neglected to take the makeup off the actress. Her skin developed a pretty bad rash, and she had a terrible time driving to her hotel, because all this gooey stuff kept melting into her eyes. So the next day, he brought her flowers. They were so beautiful. But, in a way, they were also evil flowers, because, you see, he did a very bad thing in making her wear all that uncomfortable makeup. So I was thinking… flowers… evil… BAUDELAIRE! And voila! I knew I had to eventually make this film.”

One Response to Films I Wish Were Real

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

Subscribe Without Commenting

Subscribe without commenting