this month’s final girl film club is a 2-for-1 deal of slasher classics — friday the 13th: uncut and my bloody valentine: special edition. each includes never-before-seen footage and new special features. to participate in the film club, we’re only required to cover one of these, but since there’s two of us, jon and i decided to cover them both. for my bloody valentine, jon is passing along a new poem from my bloody valentine‘s original villain, axel palmer, written to fans of the recently released remake, my bloody valentine 3d. as for me, i’ve decided to take a look at the much-talked-about new footage in friday the 13th.
(don’t forget to take part in our ultra-fun his name was jason dvd give-away contest by sending us anything friday the 13th related. that picture of you at 11 years old with your home-made paper plate hockey mask, that story about the time you spent the night in the dryer because you were so scared after watching jason lives at a friend’s birthday party, or just a short (obviously incorrect) argument for why you think roy burns was a better jason than jason himself.)
friday the 13th: uncut corey’s ten second review
so, why am i calling this my “ten second review?” is it because this review will only take ten seconds to read? or is it because it only took me ten seconds to write it? no, either of those rationales would just be crazy talk. as it turns out, the ‘all-new uncut footage’ that has been so ballyhooed and anticipated amounts to only ten seconds of additional film (spread across four scenes). this is my ten second review because i’ve decided to only look at ten seconds of friday the 13th: uncut — those 240 or so frames in this version that we’ve never seen before.
scene 1: the killing of annie
additional time: 2 seconds
annie’s death is not only the first on-screen death in friday the 13th, it’s also one of the most startling. following the example set by psycho, there is an attempt at misdirection as we’re lead to believe that annie will be one of the film’s primary characters. pamela’s quick dispatching of annie comes as a bit of a shock and is particularly effective due to the fade-to-white that occurs as annie’s life comes to an end. the uncut edition of friday the 13th adds an additional 48 or so frames of blood spurting from annie’s throat before the fade begins.
scene 2: jack and marcie’s love scene
additional time: 2 seconds
oh, this is a fun one. in the original cut of the film, we see a brief shot of kevin bacon’s buttocks being touched. the uncut version of friday the 13th adds an additional two seconds to this shot, showing kevin’s right butt cheek being squeezed for a moment. it’s hard to imagine any film that couldn’t benefit from additional kevin bacon ass, so i definitely feel that this new cut of friday the 13th is better for it. one can only hope that these extra bacon bits will cause the film’s current 60% rotten tomato rating to jump up a few percentage points in the near future.
scene 3: the killing of marcie
additional time: 2 seconds
marcie’s death is my favorite in the film, so i’m glad it’s one of the scenes to benefit from the abundance of new footage in this special edition. staged like a magic trick, the quick cuts during marcie’s death alternately show a fake head with a real axe and a fake axe with a real head. the end result is as convincing as anything you’ll see in any slasher film before or since. this special edition adds an additional couple of seconds of marcie sliding down the wall after the axe has hit.
scene 4: the killing of jack
additional time: 4 seconds
My Bloody Valentine: Special edition
Hi, I’m Axel Palmer. The REAL Axel Palmer from 1981’s My Bloody Valentine, and I want to set the record straight. It seems you’ve forgotten all about me, even though we once shared something special. The new film may be younger, flashier and have an extra dimension, but it can’t love you the way I do. Don’t you remember the poem I wrote for you? It went like this: “Roses are red, violets are blue, one is dead, and so are you.” I meant it then, and I mean it now. Forget the new film. Slasher fans, I want you back, so I’ve written another poem for you. It’s in couplets, because I think we should be a couple again. Valentine’s Day has already passed, but slasher fans, it’s not too late. Will you be my bloody valentine?
I remember the day my daddy went away
because Harry Warden made him pay
in Valentine Bluffs, the happy town
with the big, bloody heart. So it gets me down
to know my home town has changed to “Harmony.”
That’s no place for lovers. They don’t even see
the true joy in Valentine’s Day dancing.
Are you happy because Canada isn’t financing
this fake, three dimensional charade?
You know my real daddy’s dead. And I use a blade
so much better than Tom. What’s his motivation?
He’s no real slasher. Any fool can make a laceration,
but I’d chew off my one good arm and wait
all day in hell to be with you again. Don’t hate
me just because I’m two dimensional. I’m lean
and crazy, and baby, I can still splatter the screen.
I know the new film has lots of laughs and giant 3d tits,
but the original has heart, and now the DVD has extra bits
of blood and gore. Jensen Ackles has a pretty face,
but the way he prances when not on ‘Supernatural’ is a disgrace.
You know I’m the real folk singin’, axe grindin’, 80s kind of man.
You’re all gonna die. I swear I’ve got a plan.
Slasher fans, you’re breaking my heart in two,
so be my bloody valentine you bastards or we’re through.