MST3k Does Horror

i’ve been a die-hard mystery science theater 3000 fan since the early 90s, and i was deeply saddened when the show ended in 1999. i always thought i’d be fantastic if there was some way for the mst3k crew to do modern, big-budget films instead of the low-budget and mostly unknown films they were forced to do on television, but something like that ever happening seemed impossible. well, fast-forward a few years, toss in advances in the interwebs and the invention of ipods, and voila– rifftrax is born.

starring most of the original mst3k crew (most notably mike nelson, bill corbett and kevin murphy) and the occasional special guest star (e.g., weird al), rifftrax are podcasts you download and play along-side your favorite films (using your ipod or their specialized dvd player… or you could burn them to a dvd if you have a little video editing skill). so far they’ve covered dozens of hollywood films including the entire star wars prequel trilogy, the first two lord of the rings films and harry potter and the sorcerer’s stone. it’s not all pg-13 fare though, as they’ve often wandered into the horror end of the genre pool as well.





below i’ve listed the major horror episodes released thus far. those featuring only one participant (e.g., house of wax and dark water) are usually a little less fun to listen to than those with two or three, but they’re all worth a listen. my favorites include halloween, saw and the grudge. i’m hoping for some of the halloween sequels or a friday the 13th rifftrax to be released this halloween.


HorrorHound Weekend 2008 Pittsburgh

corey’s highlights…

horrorhound weekend in pittsburgh was awesome. lots of fun was had, much pasta was eaten, too much money was spent, too many drinks were drunk and tons of photos were snapped. below i share some of the latter in an effort to convey some of the many highlights of the weekend.

toys. suffice to say, horror related action figures were not in short supply. personally, i was able to obtain a classic alien figure, a michael myers from the remake, and a jason voorhees from part six (complete with a human head, heart and arm). additionally i picked up a zombie rubber duckie and some buffy lego figures for friends/family.

weird stuff. in addition to toys, the place was filled with the odd and bizarre… most available for purchase. here a young lady will sell you an assortment of skulls, sculptures and body parts, soap with frankenstein’s monster inside or, most strangely, a really creepy gas mask. additionally, they’d also make you up as a zombie if you liked. they have a site at myspace.com/ghoul_school where you can see their portfolio.

zombies. the most popular costume theme was, by far, zombies. stumbling girl zombies, lurching guy zombies, drunk vomiting zombies… all kinds were accounted for. the bloodied surgical mask hanging around the girl’s neck on the right is particularly disturbing to me for some reason.

day of the dead stuff. on the right is the dr. tongue action figure i covet so greatly… thankfully it will finally be released later this year. on the left you can see a young man whose excitement over his recent purchase of a day of the dead ‘bub’ head can barely be contained.

art. the artists at shock-studios.com do some really interesting digital artwork, most zombie inspired. i really like the elm street one and the black & white zombie. i like the return of the living dead-inspired 245 trioxon shirt as well.

dvds. what would a horror convention be without horror movies for sale? thousands of obscure titles were on sale, many unavailable on dvd through traditional means. i managed to obtain quite a few bootlegs and long-lost titles for myself. this included a well-recorded performance of evil dead: the musical, which i haven’t been able to catch live despite my love of the series, due to the fact that i’ve heard it’s only showing in the untamed and frozen wilds of the strange and foreign land known as ‘canada.’

fun and food. on the left you can see the ‘coffin ride,’ which doesn’t initially sound like all that much fun but which seems to have thrilled those that tried it. you sit inside and it hops around like a giant mexican jumping bean while your friends watch you get tossed about from a video feed being shown outside. on the right you can see the near limitless selection of refreshments and snacks offered. pretzels and soda… yum.

cool people. we hung out with some guys from bloody-disgusting for a little bit since we shared a common bond — neither of our groups could successfully get the bartender’s attention. otherwise, they seem to be doing pretty well because, well, damn… look at that sweet HD monitor! on the right is joel robinson from artpusher.net. i was so impressed with his art that i purchased one of his jason voorhees pieces (from part VII, no less) and just picked up a frame for it today. i bought a lot of fantastic stuff at the convention, but this is by far my favorite item… check his website for other, equally impressive pieces.

more weird stuff. i don’t care if it is a coin bank… sleestaks are still creepy. at least they have a clear purpose though… to hold your loose change. but what is someone going to do with this matching green-trimmed demon baby bra and panty set pictured on the right?

fake heads. the one big disappointment for me was that the werewolf head from an american werewolf in london was not on display — but plenty of other special effects heads were, including this very nice werewolf at greg nicotero’s table. additionally you could watch some of the students from tom savini’s school working on various sculptures right in front of you.

costumes. zombies weren’t the only costumes around… pictured here is a female version of ash from army of darkness and an incredibly patriotic skeleton/demon thingy with big hands.

exorcist stuff. get your very own semi-realistic exorcist doll to hang on your wall… or see the female ash from above faux-decapitate a regan mcneal impersonator.

american werewolf stars. in addition to the large number of horror icons in attendance (halloween‘s daeg faerch and danielle harris, doug bradley, tom savini, etc.) — john landis, griffin dunne and david naughton were also all there. an american werewolf in london is the second horror film i ever saw (about 10 minutes after i first saw halloween at age 8), and is thusly 50% responsible for my love of horror. ever since then i have often dreamed of browsing for buffy action figures in the mall that dawn of the dead was filmed in while standing next to john landis… as well as riding in an elevator with a very groggy david naughton. i can now say that both of those dreams have come true.

movies. we managed to catch three of the seven or eight films being shown. it’s my party and i’ll die if i want to is an incredibly low-budget film featuring tom savini in a rather humorous cameo. it suffers many of the problems of most low-budget horror films (loose editing, bad sound, etc.) but it’s a charming film with some interesting special effects and inspired transitions. i’m particularly looking forward to seeing it on dvd where it uses a ‘choose-your-own-adventure’ branched-menu structure to, i’ve heard, great effect. mother of tears is argento’s latest daughter-starring, magic and nudity-filled gore-fest, and it does not disappoint. However, the most exciting of the films was beware the moon: remembering an american werewolf in london. it’s a phenomenal documentary and i can’t wait for the eventual dvd release. the q&a with the director and stars before the film convinced me that john landis has more energy than a chihuahua drinking cappuccinos and has probably done nothing but had fun and made others laugh every moment of his life. no wonder his films are so fun to watch.

posters. in addition the jason painting, i also took home six small posters… my favorite of which are these two japanese one-sheets offriday the 13th (left) and day of the dead (right).

dawn of the dead at monroeville mall. i can now tell my grandchildren that i have seen dawn of the dead inside the mall in which it was filmed. unfortunately, the experience wasn’t all that i’d hoped as they were unable to turn the lights down (see left picture) and the sound system was not the finest. on the right you can see a member of the audience who came well prepared with a sleeping mat, pillow and popcorn. he seemed like a really nice guy, but minutes after this picture was taken he went to ask someone to turn down the lights. when he returned, he had three security guards in tow who he proceeded to berate for their inability to control the lighting… a few minutes later he was escorted out. this turned out to be the most entertaining aspect of the screening and we left shortly there-after to go see a movie we could actually… see.

more cool people. on the right is kevin kangas (well known to listeners of ‘night of the living podcast’), baltimore-based filmmaker of fear of clowns and fear of clowns 2. hopefully we’ll see him again at horrorfest in baltimore, as he’s one of funniest and nicest people we met in pittsburgh.

shown left is the cast of ‘night of the living podcast.’ amy, freddy, chiz, erica and andy were incredibly nice to us and even allowed us to tag along to dinner with kevin kangas and company. there are few people quite as nice as these guys in the horror community, and i highly recommend everyone check out their podcast immediately. like right now. i’m not kidding, open itunes and queue that sucker up.

tom savini. what would a horror convention be without tom savini and his bullwhip? boring — that’s what. he addressed the rumors that he’s been rude to some fans at conventions, which i found quite admirable and convinced me that he’s actually the nice guy i always hoped he was. he also admitted that he’d come out of his semi-effects-retirement if he were offered a directing gig on a friday the 13th film… now, that’s something i’d like to see. get on top of that offer, newline.

Jon’s highlights…

Corey and I just returned from Pittsburgh’s 2008 Horrorhound Weekend, and we had a great time. The folks at Horrorhound Magazine know how to put together an impressive convention, and we met a lot of really great people, including some of the writers for Bloody Disgusting and the gang behind the mic at Night of the Living Podcast. The NOTLP crew were nice enough to let Corey and I hang out with them at their booth and even join them for dinner. We also saw plenty of celebrities, including Daeg Faerch, William Forsythe, and Jason Mewes. Here are some of the other highlights from the weekend.

Tom Savini was at the convention, and I took the candid snapshot of him below at the precise moment he spotted my camera and smashed it with his bullwhip in a terrifying display of whirlwind speed and raw fury.


Well, in all honesty, that picture is simply the result of my poor camera work and the fact that I forgot to turn on the flash button. However, we did see Savini demonstrate his legendary skills with a bullwhip during the carnival sideshow portion of Saturday’s Savini-thon. Savini was incredibly funny, insightful, and generous, and he completely dispelled those pesky internet rumors that he’s a total jerk at conventions.


I’m a real sucker for a sideshow, and Corey caught me on camera puzzling over the mystery that is the Queen of the Fiji Island Mermaids. Aside from the Queen, and Savini’s bullwhip demonstration, the Horrorhound Sideshow also consisted of a portly, tattooed man hula-hooping on a bed of nails.


One of the great things about a horror convention is the opportunity to see new films before they are available to the general public. I was eager to see Dario Argento’s Mother of Tears ever since I heard it was going to be featured at the Horrorhound convention. It’s not quite as good as the first film of the “three mothers” trilogy, Suspiria (which I’ve talked about before), but it’s better than Inferno. The evil Mother Lachrimarum is undoubtedly the most brutal of the three mothers, but she’s also the sexiest, which creates a combination that puts Argento at his very best as he transforms pain and beauty into pure aesthetic spectacle. Argento also continues to indulge in his strange fascination with animals by featuring a sly and evil monkey as one of the film’s primary antagonists. This is one of those films that you can’t quite understand, but that nonetheless has a profound effect on you.


Doug Bradley (aka Pinhead) presented some of his current work, including the premiere of his new series called Spine Tinglers, which consists of classic works of fiction read by Bradley with accompanying video and sound. H.P. Lovecraft’s “The Outsider” is the first of this series, and watching it was one of the best moments in the convention. It’s much more than a glorified book on tape (or book on video). Bradley’s on-film reading was mesmerizing, but never obtrusive, and he commissioned terrific music and Lovecraft-inspired artwork to accompany the reading. It really brought Lovecraft’s eerie, yet beautiful language to life. Bradley had never seen this work with a proper audience, and his interest in our opinion was sincere and actually rather sweet. I highly recommend this to any fan of literature or really good horror. In fact, what are you waiting for? You can watch a free 3-minute preview of Bradley’s “The Outsider” here.


If you’re reading this blog, you probably know that Dawn of the Dead was filmed in Pittsburgh’s Monroeville Mall, which just so happened to be right next to the Expo Center where the convention took place. The mall provided a great place to grab a quick bite (Corey and I have decided that NYC has nothing on the Steel City’s local pizza) and it also gave me the chance to walk in the very footsteps of Romero’s living dead. The mall’s famous fountain doesn’t exist anymore, but the pool next to which I’m standing in the picture above is the location of some great moments in the film. On Saturday night we actually got to watch Dawn of the Dead in the mall, but poor sound and lighting made it really difficult to see or hear it. But we got to see some of Dawn of the Dead’s original cast of zombies as they introduced the film, and all the proceeds went to charity, plus we had a blast being there with so many Romero fans.


We were treated to another premiere over the weekend when Paul Davis screened his film Beware the Moon, a witty, thorough, and well-crafted documentary about the making of An Ameican Werewolf in London. Landis and David Naughton were also present at the screening and indulged the audience with a Q&A session. Landis was manic, but also brilliant, funny and completely entertaining. In fact, I’m now convinced that Landis is not just a film director, but a smiling, energetic, benevolent force of nature. Of course, Landis makes films for a living, but it was inspiring to see a skilled filmmaker who so obviously and thoroughly loves what he does. I didn’t get the chance to really talk to Landis, but our paths did cross. After the convention closed on Friday night, I made my way back to the hotel to ask the front desk where I might find a purveyor of fine cognac, or perchance a nice bottle of chateau vin touis. Who am I kidding? I asked where I could grab a six-pack of beer. However, I was out of luck, as Pennsylvania has some strange rules about when and where you can buy adult beverages. And just as I was expressing my frustration over the prospect of spending the remaining night without any cold suds, I looked to my left and saw John Landis standing there, larger than life, and smiling right at me as if he had just witnessed the most interesting and amusing thing he had seen all night.


We all love to celebrate the classic films by Landis and Romero, but the real heart and soul of any horror convention is independent film. There were plenty of underground films screened over the weekend, including Tony Wash’s It’s My Party and I’ll Die If I Want To, which we saw on Friday. The death scenes in It’s My Party are fun and sometimes outright stomach-churning, and the special effects are terrific). Plus, Tom Savini makes a funny cameo appearance. However, this is a film that’s really meant for DVD and not the big screen. I later learned that it’s actually a “choose-your-own-adventure” film in which the viewer gets to decide such things as whether or not the final girl will survive, and, if so, how she will survive. Sadly, the film screening couldn’t recreate this, and without this really intriguing use of audience interaction, the film tended to drag at a sometimes unbearable and painfully slow pace. In fact, a few audience members got outright panicked when they tried to leave the theater, only to discover that the doors to the theater were locked. I don’t think this was an intentional act on the part of the director, as the doors turned out to be simply jammed shut and not really locked, but the fact that we were trapped in the theater did make the experience a little more thrilling. Still, I wholeheartedly support Wash and his independent Scotchworthy film company. Corey bought the DVD of It’s My Party, and we’re both eager to see the film as it’s meant to be experienced.


There were lots of collectibles at the convention, and I regret not buying the Chop Top action figure, which, as you can see, sold very quickly. The action figure came with such accessories as a straight razor and coat hanger, plus a mask that lets you switch between hippy Chop Top and psycho Chop Top.


Chop Top is one of my all-time favorite horror film villains, so I was very happy to learn that Bill Moseley, the actor behind Chop Top’s groovy, metal-plated brain, would be attending the Horrorhound convention. Coincidentally, I had just written a tribute to Chop Top for this very blog, so I brought it for Bill Moseley to sign. Not only did he gladly sign it, but he also asked for a copy for himself, which I luckily had with me. I must have looked either nervous or hungry, because he gave me a cookie after he signed my blog post.


The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake Part 1

Somethingawful.com used to run a fashion feature looking at clothes from old catalogs, websites and similar sources. Thinking back on that while re-watching the Friday the 13th series recently, it occurred to us that fashion is an integral, if often overlooked, aspect of the series and it deserves far more attention than it receives. To remedy this glaring oversight, we are proud to present the first part of a continuing series, “The Fashion of Camp Crystal Lake.” Additionally, in an Eo2L first, since we’re looking at fashion we’ve invited a guest writer — A GIRL. As a female, A GIRL is imminently qualified to comment on fashion, being innately given all fashion knowledge at birth, just like Project Runway mentor, Tim Gunn.

Corey: In this rustic Hazzard County-esque setting, Marcie sports a lovely maternity smock while Ned gives Jimmy Buffet’s shirt collection a run for its money.

Jon: While a bewildered Kevin Bacon gives up looking for his shirt buttons.

A GIRL: Marcie has the right idea with a casual look for a rural outing, but the execution is poor. Her top hits at the widest part of her hips, while her jeans taper from the thigh, giving her the look not of a lithe, willowy, soon-to-be viciously murdered teen, but more that of a poorly rendered statue of a lesser fertility goddess.

Corey: In the picture above and the one on the far left, his arms are closely held at his sides making him kinda look like a jack-in-the-box that just popped out of that tree trunk. I have to admit though, he looks very GQ in that last photo, what with the gold chain, Tom Cruise crazy-smile and hip swagger goin’ on.

Jon: You’ve got to give him credit for striking such a perfect Marlboro Man pose, but at the rate he’s losing those buttons, his shirt’s going to be at his ankles by the time we get to his death scene.

A GIRL: I believe Kevin is using a deep v-neck to elongate his torso, and a gold chain to bring attention toward his face. GQ indeed.

Jon: It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow striped Cousteau bikini, that he wore for the first time today.

Corey: I’ve always thought my crotch was missing something, and now I know what it is… yellow racing stripes.

A GIRL: Kevin is missing a few small elements that would really bring this ensemble together, such as a shirt, pants, shoes, socks, and ideally a hat to tame that shrubbery of a hairdo.

Corey: I see no problems with this outfit.

Jon: I agree in the strongest possible terms.

A GIRL: This outfit really expresses the 80s time period. I can’t believe that neither Corey nor Jon noticed that she really should be wearing a thong to avoid that pesky VPL.

Jon: Is it just me, or does Mrs. Voorhees look like she ought to be whistling the Old Spice tune, or singing a sea shantie?

Corey: I agree. Give her a corncob pipe and a yellow rain hat and she could be on a box of fish sticks.

A GIRL: What a clever halloween costume Mrs. Voorhees has created. I would never have thought of dressing up as dryer lint.

Jon: Sloppy Joes, sloppy, sloppy Joes, yeah! Sloppy Joes, sloppy, sloppy Joes, yeah!

Corey: This image of Trudy the waitress brings back many fond memories of late-nights at the Waffle House and uncontrollable feelings of the need to regurgitate. It’s also worth pointing out that Trudy’s glasses, if hit in just the right way on a sunny day by a stray beam of sunlight, can literally burn out customers retinas, leaving nothing behind but smoking eye sockets and unnatural screams of anguish and pain.

A GIRL: I believe Trudy is a fasion DO for being unafraid of bold color combinations. Too often we see women of size hiding behind drab and shapeless clothing, so it’s refreshing to see her sporting this robin’s egg blue and yellow combo.

Jon: Most people don’t realize that Camp Crystal lake is actually situated on a sacred Indian burial ground. This is Chief Chicken Leg, proud member of the Tighty-whitey Tribe and sworn defender of his ancestral lands.

Corey: Slasher films always feature the attention-whoring prankster/geek character, and I believe this trend started with the introduction of Ned, pictured here. Part 2 may have Ted, Part 3 may have Shelly, but there will always be a special place in my heart for the racially insensitive clothing, near-fatal archery pranks and horrible impersonations of Ned, the archetypal über-annoying slasher fodder character.

A GIRL: In fashion, two wrongs make me nauseated. The feathered headdress does not draw my eye away from the unnecessary display of underpants. Instead, I look back and forth from head to, er, area, more and more rapidly in a futile attempt to escape from the dastardly duo of faux pas, until collapsing in a sick dizzy heap.

Jon: It’s probably good that THIS guy was never in the same scene with the Indian Kid. I’m pretty sure the Village People would have sued over copyright infringement.

Corey: Steve, you’re going to be so embarrassed when you get home and see yourself in this movie. Except for your upper lip, you’re like completely naked… with no clothes on. For decency’s sake, hide your shame.

A GIRL: This character may have been on the cutting edge of the metro-sexual revolution, in his fearless use of an unnecessary accessory.

Jon: This is so ridiculous. I mean just LOOK at that. He’s painting that railing without even applying one coat of primer. Geesh.

Corey: I’m not sure I can articulate exactly why, but whenever I look at this outfit and the expression on this guy’s face… all I can imagine is him singing the theme to “Boosom Buddies.”

A GIRL: When i see him, all I can imagine is the video for “Freeze Frame.”

Jon: Ok, now this film is really creeping me out, because I never noticed it before, but my grandmother has a big pink bath robe that looks just like that one.

Corey: Yet another insulting example of sexist film-makers dressing their female leads in revealing, unrealistic attire in order to attract their target demographic — the teenage male.

A GIRL: Industry insiders refer to this as the ‘I give up’ nightdress, worn by girls who can no longer be bothered to find something chaste yet alluring to wear in the woods. I think it comes from the same collection as Marcie’s top.

Jon: Why are the men in this film more feminine than the women? Pamela Voorhees is dressed like a sea captain, and the final girl is dressed like a gender-neutral cowboy.

A GIRL: I agree with Jon. Alice’s wardrobe seems to have been designed with her younger brother in mind. But, if anyone is a fan, I’m pretty sure you can still get those pants at L.L. Bean (I can get you a two-for-one coupon).

Corey: Alice is not just one of the worst final girls, she’s also one of the worst dressed. It’s hard to believe they went from such a horrible final girl to Ginny in just one film, but that they did. Stay tuned because we look at the greatest final girl of all time (Ginny) and her well-dressed compatriates from Friday the 13th Part 2 in the next installment.

Villanelle Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part Two

It’s been a while since my last poetry review, so to kick start the series again, I’ve decided to review Tobe Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2. Of course, his original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a major milestone in horror history, but I’ve always been partial to the sequel. It’s really a dark comedy about the plight of small business, the decline of family values, and the violent clash of cultures in post-Vietnam America. The film is a garish, unrelenting mixture of the absurd and the grotesque, with bits of western allegory added in such characters as Stretch, the spunky and leggy damsel in distress, and Lefty, the bad-ass cowboy who’s hell-bent to rescue her and also find the savages that killed his niece and nephew years earlier. Plus, it features one of my all-time favorite psychos and Lefty’s perfect foil, Chop Top, the burnt-out hippie-Vietnam-vet with a metal plate in his head who loves music and murder with equal gusto.

What is a villanelle? Villanelles originated in France during the 1500s and originally meant “country song.” They were simple narratives about folk heroes and peasant life, in contrast to the more refined and ornamental verse being developed by the French aristocracy. Centuries later, English poets such as Oscar Wilde re-discovered the villanelle and transformed it into an elaborate and exotic form of poetry with complex, interwoven lines. Modern villanelles are 19 lines long and use an ABA rhyme pattern in which the first and third lines of the first stanza alternate as the third lines of the remaining stanzas until they culminate as a couplet in the final quatrain. This unwavering blend of the rural and the urbane, or the straight and the crooked, makes the perfect formula for a tribute to the hero and villain of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part Two.



The Ballad of Lefty and Chop Top

All the papers mocked: “crazy cowboy chases chainsaw.”
Still, he doesn’t care. Lefty knows who killed his nephew.
Music is his life, but Chop Top’s head is bloody and raw.

Stretch, the best disk jockey in Texas, hears it all:
Leatherface makes two of her callers splatter and spew.
All the papers mocked: “crazy cowboy chases chainsaw.”

Lefty always knew these killers were beyond the law.
“Hell’s what they raised.” And Drayton’s chili is the Devil’s stew.
Music is his life, but Chop Top’s head is bloody and raw.

When Stretch replays the murder on the air, Chop Top is in awe,
but wants her to die. Leatherface is in love and won’t follow through.
All the papers mocked: “crazy cowboy chases chainsaw.”

But when Stretch tries to stop them, it’s her fatal flaw.
She falls into their lair. And Lefty knows what he must do.
Music is his life, but Chop Top’s head is bloody and raw.

Lefty duels Leatherface, before a grenade kills them all,
and Stretch can escape. But it looks like Chop Top survives, too.
All the papers mocked: “crazy cowboy chases chainsaw.”
Music is his life, but Chop Top’s head is bloody and raw.

Friday the 13th Comics

jason voorhees has found his way into the comic book realm many times over the last few years through various publishers. he’s become friends with leatherface, fought with bruce campbell, and even battled the futuristic jason x version of himself. i may look at some of these mini-series later, but the series i want to look at right now is the first one i found and my favorite thus far: the first 6-issue mini-series published by wildstorm simply titled friday the 13th.

can jason work on the printed page? i distinctly remember reading the novelization of friday the 13th in elementary school and being utterly freaked out by the scene where the cook, annie, gets her throat slashed… so yes, jason’s effectiveness in print can be similar to that in film. but can anyone write and illustrate a comic that properly conveys the mood of the early films and treat the character of jason appropriately? i didn’t really think so and expected to find only ridiculous plot-lines and bizarre match-ups like those mentioned earlier. and that’s exactly what i found in the majority of the comics out there… jason has become rather ridiculous in the film series and that’s doubly true in the world of comics. however, i was quite surprised to see that the latest publisher to get their hands on the rights to the crystal lake killer seems to be treating jason with an incredibly amount of respect. it’s not perfect and i’ll dig into the details shortly, but it all boils down to this… this comic should be made into a film — this story has the potential to be the best sequel in the entire series.

the comic starts off strong with jason chasing a naked, bloodied girl through the forest. the girl is rescued by an older couple in a winnebago who take her to a hospital. from there the rest of the story is told in flashback as the girl recounts how she came to be in the horrific circumstances in which she was discovered.

from there the plots hits familiar territory, echoing many things from the early films. there are some hitchhiking kids who stumble into a diner near crystal lake. there are kids smoking weed, a strange guy indicating impending doom and, most importantly, someone is trying to open camp crystal lake again. the twist this time is that they plan to use the camp’s unseemly reputation as a selling point. kids all go to camp and listen to ghost stories around the campfire… at ‘camp blood,’ the stories are true. i don’t know if kids would really be begging their parents to be sent to ‘camp blood,’ but it’s largely irrelevant since we know the camp will never actually open — not when a large group of young, attractive teens have just wandered into jason’s turf.

from there we spend a little time learning about the characters who will undoubtedly all be dead soon. there’s the gay guy, the angry jock, the tough guy, the slut, the crazy girl, etc. etc. the interesting thing about the structure of this is that it’s far more similar to a screenplay than a comic. apart from the opening scene which frames the real story, jason voorhees doesn’t make an appearance until the last page of the second issue. that’s a lot of pages of setting up characters and mood… but, just as it would be on screen, it’s time well spent and makes the final two thirds of the story work much better than if they’d rushed jason’s introduction. there’s lots of nudity and spring-loaded-cat scares to keep the audience interested, but the bulk of the time is spent setting up backstory and plot threads that will pay off in later issues.

it may start a bit slow, but by issue three jason has shown up and all the familiar plot devices start popping up. someone stole the cell phones… cars won’t start… tires are popped… the roads are washed out. all the classics are used to isolate our group of teenagers from any hope of help or rescue.

what follows is much what you’d expect — a whole lot of jason stalking and killing people. what might surprise you, however, is that there’s actually a story unfolding at the same time. there’s not much i can say without giving a lot of it away, but the story features a rather clever plot twist that i’d thought i had all figured out… until it twisted again. the story also gives a new version of jason’s origin, actually explaining how he could have drowned in the 1950s and yet be walking around killing now. i won’t say it’s the absolute perfect origin story for jason voorhees — but it is several magnitudes better than anything offered in the films thus far (yes, i’m looking right at you, part 9).

where the story fails to work is in some of the character interactions. some characters are simply annoying and there are some ridiculous moments like when two gay men have a lover’s spat while knowing full well a maniac is stalking them… or when a character decides they absolutely have to go get their medication right now, despite there being a killer outside.

as for jason’s look, he’s hidden in shadows a lot of time (as he should be) and, surprisingly, when shown fully, he actually looks scary… a rather drastic change from his appearance in most other comic adapations and in all the sequels since part 7. visually he’s shown as he should be — an intimidating and terrifying monster who cannot be stopped.

if you can dig it up somewhere, i highly recommend checking this series out. it’s structured well, it treats jason with more respect than he’s seen in decades and, since it’s obvious it can be done well, it makes me hopeful that the next film in the series (the remake currently in production) might actually have a chance at getting things right.

The Phantom of the Opera (1998)

dario argento’s the phantom of the opera (1998) looked to be tailor-made for my fiancée and i. the last few weeks i’ve been on an argento kick, but i’ve been watching them by myself since she’s not the biggest fan of horror films to begin with — let alone surreal, incoherent italian ones. she is, however, a huge fan of the phantom of the opera, whether it be the musical or a straight narrative version. so when she mentioned she’d added the argento version to her netflix queue, it seemed almost too perfect to be true — a giallo version of her favorite story; this was going to be great!

and, in a way… it was. but probably not for the reason argento intended. i doubt he hoped his audience would laugh through the whole thing and rewind scenes because they can’t actually believe what they saw is as ridiculous as what they thought they saw. i must admit, the experience of watching the film was largely entertaining — but the film itself is not. this is a bad, bad film and you should stay far, far away from it. argento fans will hate it. phantom fans will hate it. unless your name is asia argento, you will hate it. watching it would only leave you feeling puzzled and that you’d wasted a spot in your netflix queue… but luckily, you don’t need to watch it. i already have.

Netflix Description: Italian horror master Dario Argento puts his macabre stamp on Gaston Leroux’s story of a madman living inside an opera house. Though not physically disfigured this time around, the Phantom (Julian Sands) harbors internal scars, having been raised by telepathic rats in the opera house basement. The musically talented Phantom finds his muse — and object of obsession — in a talented, young singer named Christine (Asia Argento, Dario’s daughter).

if i’d read this description before watching this film, i doubt i’d have been as surprised when things took a turn for the craptastic. there are more than a few red flags contained in this short paragraph. ‘not physically disfigured’ is a pretty big one. what kind of opera phantom isn’t scarred? removing the physical disfigurement removes one of the big reasons for the phantom to need to live in secrecy under an opera house. this quickly moves the phantom from the ‘romantic, tragic hero’ category into the ‘homeless, weirdo stalker’ one.

the biggest red flag, though, is contained in two small words: telepathic rats.

really, dario? that’s the best you could come up with? the phantom was raised by a family of psychic vermin? the film opens with baby-phantom being sailed down the river, moses style. the oh-so-realistic-looking rats drag the baby off. we’re left with no real explanation of what happened between that moment and the phantom’s adult life, but i like to believe the rats stuck him in a johnny jump-up made of dirty rags and fed him nothing but gorgonzola for 35 years.



next we meet christine (asia argento) who, you know, can’t act. or sing. she can, however, show her nipples through her skanky french dress in her daddy’s big movie, so i suppose that will have to do. she does a lot of lip syncing to a real opera singer’s voice… although, to my untrained ears, even the dubbed voice often sounded like a dying cat. i can only imagine what the actual sound coming out of asia’s mouth sounded like on the set.



the phantom (julian sands in full rockstar-desperately-in-need-of-pert-plus mode) instantly falls in love with christine after seeing her dress and hearing her sing scales for 10 seconds. he soon becomes jealous of christine’s other suitor, a character whose name i can’t recall and am not going to bother to look up, but who looks a lot like prince.



soon after that, we get the film’s biggest “wtf!?!” moment. we catch a glimpse inside the phantom’s troubled mind and see two distinct images… the first is fairly predictable and completely solidifies the phantom as a character with pure motives — he imagines christine in an even skankier outfit apparently made out of a ball of tangled yarn (perhaps a rather dumb cat/rat metaphor?) coaxing him towards her. and then comes the shot we rewound quite a few times… we see that the phantom is imagining a bunch of people dressed in pink leotards trapped on a flaming mousetrap. not much else i can add to that visual, so i won’t try.



phantom of the opera gets far more predictable at that point as the phantom starts killing lots and lots of people in really unrealistic and gruesome ways, usually for little to no reason. the film also features a lot of nudity and has at least one really graphic sex scene where julian sands’ creepy buttocks get to do lots of thrusting against asia (a scene which becomes even creepier when you remember the film’s director is her father). there’s also a bizarre scene where the prince guy goes to an orgy and attacks a bowl of fruit with his cane for no discernible reason and another where a rat catcher is compelled to push his own hand down on the spikes of a rat trap (this is the only scene i recall where the rats demonstrated their telepathic skills).



when not looking at herself in the mirror, screeching or taking her clothes off, asia likes to wear hats with different dead animals glued to the front.



there’s also a surreal subplot involving the rat catcher and his midget assistant. they collect the tails of every rat they kill and keep them in formaldehyde. in an effort to boost the production of rodent-tail-filled jars, the rat catcher builds a tiny brass car very reminiscent of gene wilder’s wonkamobile (the one that went through the wonkawash). this car is outfitted with vacuum hoses and spinning blades and seats two comfortably. in the rat catcher’s defense, when they try the car out, it seems to work remarkably well… although i’m not sure what kind of rats simply line up along a path and don’t scamper away when a huge, loud machine to come along and suck them up. all seems well in the rat catcher’s world until the car crashes, decapitating his already vertically challenged assistant by one of the aforementioned spinning blades.



i believe the film ends with the phantom being shot and/or drowned to death while christine escapes with prince. i can’t recall exactly because i was still in shock from a scene late in the film where christine discovers the phantom’s ‘family.’ she peeks into the phantom’s secret lair and sees him covered in rats. the phantom removes his shirt in a rather suggestive way, allowing the rats to crawl all over his chest. in one of the most merciful cuts in cinematic history, we cut to christine’s reaction just as julian starts unbuttoning his pants and a rat begins moving in that direction.

so, that’s it. one of the classic characters of horror reduced to a creepy, oily, long-haired stalker whose interests range from bad opera singing to bestiality.

terrific. way to go, italy. i hope you’re proud of yourself.

Cloverfield (2008) and Diary of the Dead (2008)

I was excited about seeing Cloverfield in a way that I haven’t been in years. Perhaps it was because of all the hype surrounding the film, as fanboys and girls across the net were heralding it as the first truly American Godzilla and as one of the most intriguing and innovative monster films in decades. And I’m a sucker for monster films. I loved the simplicity and b-grade savvy of Slither, and the parody and allegory of The Host. Of course, I know that hype shouldn’t affect your judgment of a film’s quality, but I couldn’t help but be a little disappointed by Cloverfield.

The film is presented as footage recovered after a giant monster has terrorized and destroyed the Big Apple. The footage is now presumably being used by government officials trying to sort out the details of the disaster. The contents of the film were recorded by a hand held camera, and the film begins by allowing us get to know the unlucky kids who made the video before the real star of the film stomps its way through the city. While the monster is interesting, if reticent and camera-shy, the human characters are largely unlikeable. During the film’s long and unnecessary exposition, we learn that young Rob, the film’s protagonist, has just slept with his supposed best friend Beth. Rob has, of course, been in love with Beth since the beginning of their friendship, but he’s never had the gumption to express himself until now. To make matters worse, he’s about to leave the country without resolving the situation, but only after his best buds throw him a party, all of which is carefully filmed and documented by his dimwitted friend Hud. At the party, Rob confronts Beth after she arrives with a date, they fight, and Beth goes back to her apartment, leaving Rob to brood all by himself. All of this comes across as typical teenage soap-opera blather, and, like his co-stars, Rob is far too naïve and annoying to be accepted as the tragic figure he’s supposed to be.

Thankfully, the melodrama comes to an abrupt halt just as the film is about to turn into a film-length amateur video version of The O.C. or One Tree Hill. A blackout disrupts Rob’s farewell party, followed by a series of loud explosions, ominous smoke, and the distant rumblings of something far more sinister. As the stunned New Yorkers make their way to the streets, they realize the gravity of the situation when the Statue of Liberty’s charred and clawed head crashes into the street before them. It’s an amazing effect, as are many of the action sequences that follow in which Rob risks life and limb to make his way back to Beth’s apartment because she called him earlier to say that she’s injured and unable to move. Along the way, Rob narrowly avoids being stomped, crushed, burned, eaten alive, and shot by the military, with Hud and his camera dutifully tagging along to record it all while offering lots of “hey dude”-style narration. We see just enough of the creature to pique our curiosity, and we never really learn what it is or why it’s there. It’s an effective technique, and it puts us directly into the action of the film.

The problem is that all of this spectacle really amounts to very little substance or story. Of course, there are some blatant, ham-fisted allusions to 9/11, especially in the horrific image of people on the street fleeing from thick bellows of dark smoke, and Beth’s toppled apartment building, but neither the visceral panic of 9/11, nor its lingering after-effects are explored with any depth in this film in the way that Godzilla explores the decades-long fear and pain caused by the atomic bomb, or in the way that The Host critiques an aggressive American foreign policy that continues to exploit the Asian continent. Even the blatantly campy, b-grade film Slither manages to tell a thoroughly charming story about relationships and small-town life.

However, I’ll admit that it probably isn’t fair to compare Cloverfieldto its predecessors, as this is a different kind of film altogether. For example, the film’s lack of on-screen substance derives from its interest in exploring a new kind of realism. The Blair Witch Project popularized this nearly a decade ago, but Cloverfieldmay very well have perfected it. The found-footage technique in Cloverfieldis often seamless, although not even the most hardened and veteran documentary-maker would keep the camera rolling for as long as Hud manages to. Whatever mental aberration compels him to keep the film rolling can’t be healthy, but the film deftly ignores this fact, and when the technique works, it’s compelling to see this level of cinema verite. Sometimes while watching it, I felt less like a movie-goer and more like part spectator, voyeur, and participant in the film’s action. This technique also puts the audience in charge of determining the significance and meaning of what we have just witnessed, just as we would if we stumbled across the found footage.

In itself, the attempt at this kind of realism is hardly new, but the film’s relationship to its audience is indicative of a new spirit animating this decade’s cinema. Much like the The Blair Witch Project’s clever use of a fake documentary about the supposedly real history of the Blair Witch released weeks before the actual film, Cloverfield utilized an aggressive, viral marketing campaign, possibly the largest of its kind, in which fans, even before the actual name of the film was released, could download wallpapers of the now famous image of a headless statue of liberty, watch trailers that only gave hints of the film’s true subject, speculate about the film in blogs, and find clues and supplemental videos and material in an dazzling assortment of both official and fan-based websites. Through clues found only online, intrepid fans eventually learned that the monster is actually a lost infant looking for its mother, and that the sinister Japanese manufacturer of Slusho! soft drinks is somehow involved in it all. New characters in the story have even been introduced online, and new plot threads and theories have been offered or uncovered, all of which is undoubtedly leading to Cloverfield 2.

This is similar to the technique used to supplement the already brilliantly cryptic show Lost (J.J. Abrams, the producer and driving force behind Cloverfield, is Lost’s executive producer) with “webisodes,” puzzles, and a host of online clues that keep fans, myself included, in a state of near paranoid hysteria. It might not deepen the underlying human drama or spiritual allegory implicit in the show’s narrative by going online to learn that the name of the funeral parlor in last year’s finale is an anagram for “flash forward,” but it’s a fun game to play and it makes fans of the show feel less like passive spectators and more like active participants. Cloverfield’s actual story might be too superficial, but the kind of extended, networked mode of story-telling in which the narrative is dispersed and gradually uncovered in multiple forms of media has never been possible until now.

Cloverfield challenges the old-fashioned auteur theory of film-making, which assumes that a single director, and not the actors, editors, special-effects experts, or, heaven-forbid, the audience, determines the film’s meaning. Hitchcock perfected this kind of film with his deliberate, frame-by-frame orchestration, and his famous, albeit tongue-in-cheek, declaration that actors are like cattle and simply need to be told where to stand and what to say. Films such as Cloverfieldsuggest that this might be an outdated model. On its surface , at least, and in terms of its story-telling, it has no author, no authority governing its sequences—its content is seemingly raw, real, and provided by either the actual characters in the story, or found online by fans. This is all an illusion, and a credit to the film’s clever use of both camera technique and marketing strategy. In many ways Cloverfieldis the perfect film for the age of online social networking, a technology that many have been heralding as a democratizing force in American media. With YouTube, for instance, you do not simply watch or consume the content, you provide the content, share it with friends, and, in some cases, become the content. Cloverfieldstrips the distance between audience and film in much the same way as YouTube strips the distance between audience and content. It was probably inevitable that the spirit of online social networking would eventually impact film, as it’s already had a permanent impact on other established forms of media. Newspapers no longer have the same venerable authority or prestige, and reporters are scrambling to keep up with the appeal of the new media, and the speed of viral, networked coverage of events. Bloggers will routinely break stories first, and, in fact, many seasoned, old-fashioned newspaper reporters are now required to maintain blogs and even post to YouTube. This has even changed the nature of the presidential election, as Howard Dean supporters can attest, and as evident in the world’s first YouTube presidential debate co-hosted last year by CNN in which a virtual audience posted video-questions for the candidates.

Of course, 15 years ago, CNN revolutionized media with its omnipresent, 24-7 news cycle. But the blogosphere has radically accelerated it to the point that anything and everything has now become potential content. In fact, I’ll wager that if we give this trend another decade or so, the concept of news (as in what is new and of singular importance) might become obsolete. If the current state of online culture is any indication, the future is likely to hold no real news, just an endless digital sea of data with no authority or overriding thesis to govern it. It might sound utopian, but the danger is that it’s already becoming difficult to sort fact from fiction in the new media, as the famous case of YouTube sensation Lonelygirl15 suggests. Can we place faith in what we see and read in the hands of pundits, marketers, and amateurs without some sort of professional body to at least partly govern and referee it? Or will these values become irrelevant as they give over to a new aesthetic that values the sheer viral speed at which we can consume, produce, and be entertained?

These are precisely the questions addressed by George Romero’s Diary of the Dead. While Cloverfieldis at least sympathetic with, if not emblematic of, the age of the internet, Diary of the Dead is an explicit critique of it. Romero’s zombie films have always been full of big ideas. As he has put it, “show me a problem and I’ll stick a zombie on it.” His original Night of the Living Dead is really about man’s inhumanity to man, and Dawn of the Dead is really a parody of the grotesque and aggressive nature of suburban consumerism.

Romero’s thesis in Diary of the Dead is even more ambitious and complex than in his previous films. Diary of the Dead is an extended and nuanced argument that the digital age has made us so distracted and self-absorbed that we can no longer process the world around us with any real empathy or reason. This has the potential for political disaster, as the film argues, but Romero probes an even deeper question: before we become so radically networked, virally extended and omnipresent, and before we make ourselves the stars and content of our own media, shouldn’t we first make sure that our basic humanity warrants it?

As with Cloverfield, the plot of Diary of the Dead is minimalist and is presented as amateur video. The film begins with a news reporter narrating a story about the death of an immigrant family, the sort of story that reporters froth at the mouth to cover. However, the story is interrupted when the family suddenly spring back to life and attack the ambulance crew attending to them. The reporter is horrified by this, but only because it’s ruining her story, and her only reaction is an annoyed “For God’s sake, I thought they were dead.”

At this point, the news footage is interrupted by the voice-over of a narrator who explains that “we downloaded this footage off the internet” and that it was “uploaded by the ambulance driver in an attempt to tell the truth.” The narrator then tells us that what we have just seen is the introduction to a cautionary film called The Death of Death that documents the zombie epidemic and collapse of mainstream media and government by piecing together news footage, a horror film involving mummies by Jason Creed (a University of Pittsburgh student), plus miscellaneous downloaded content, home movies, and raw footage from the film crew’s hand held camera.

Let me try to put this in a more precise, mathematical formula:

Diary of the Dead = The Death of Death = news footage + a student film + downloaded footage + home movies + handheld footage.

If this is still confusing, don’t blame me; my head is still reeling from trying to unpeel all the layers to this film. What is so ironic and clever about this is that the narrator’s stated intention is to warn us about the zombies and provide some tips as to how to survive. A simple, linear, and informed guide would probably be the best format for this, and I think this is precisely Romero’s point. The actual zombie menace is embedded in a news story, imbedded in a student film, supplemented by downloaded footage, and tied together with a shaky, hand-held camera. The unlucky person watching this documentary would be zombie-chow long before they figured it all out. It is the sort of disaster, Romero suggests, that would happen if we start relying exclusively on the internet to get the news that matters the most.

To say that Diary of the Dead is self-referential is an understatement. This is a film that feeds on itself like a cannibalistic, self-mutilating ghoul. For example, at one moment in her documentary, Deb films one of her fellow film-makers downloading the internet content that she has already included in the documentary. In another sequence, she pleads with Jason to stop filming and find safe shelter, while another student films their ensuing argument about his reluctance to miss even one second of potential footage. And the film ends by mimicking the entire opening of Jason’s mummy film, only the actor playing the mummy is now truly undead.

Aside from its insistent meta-cinema, and despite Deb’s narration, nothing really ties the film together. It is structured more as a series of vignettes, each with its own viewpoint and subtext. For instance, in one sequence, Andrew Maxwell, Jason’s drunken but still eloquent film professor , lectures on how the incessant, non-stop filming of atrocities in places such as Iraq detaches us from it in a way that makes us culpable. By mediating everything we see, we feel a false sense of empowerment and absolution and are less likely to truly understand or engage with what we see. We become as apathetic as zombies, and our media has therefore become our very own diary of the dead. It’s a politically dangerous and morally compromised stance, as the film’s tagline, “Shoot the Dead,” also suggests. There are also vignettes about gender and realism in the horror genre, plus segments involving the national guard that illustrate what happens when people who are untrained and unprepared for war (be it with terrorists or zombies) are suddenly given that role. Romero packs a lot of politics into a relatively short amount of time, as everyone in the film has their own point-of-view that they feel entitled to either upload or profess.

Somewhere in all of this, I swear to God, are actual zombies. But the film is so busy with its constant self-referencing and multiple viewpoints that I had a hard time finding them. I found myself yearning for the simpler, more innocent pleasures of watching zombies eat people. Such moments are rare in this film, and I know it’s all intentional. Romero makes it clear that the film’s multimedia format is a lousy substitute for the direct communication of ideas. For example, in my favorite scene from this movie, Deb and her crew stop at an Amish farm to repair their van. The farmer is mute and tries to desperately communicate with the kids as they sneer and snicker behind their cameras. He finally gets his point across by simply writing the word “hurry” and then “back door” on his little hand held chalkboard. They’re all about to be gang-eaten by a pack of hungry zombies and he’s just provided them with their only means of escape. They’re just lucky he didn’t waste time by trying to email them the message.

Diary of the Dead goes a long way in arguing that the new media may not be the best model for making genuine films, and that in the digital age, we’re even more obligated to sometimes put aside our technology and actually think about what we’re documenting. But in making his case, Romero has made a film that is tiring to watch. It’s an important film with big ideas in the way that Cloverfield could never be, but in many ways, Cloverfield is better, if only because it’s more entertaining and could point the way to a new kind of viral story-telling whose full potential has yet to be realized. Still, the peek-a-boo logic of its neo-realism made me miss traditional monsters in the same way that Diary of the Dead made me miss zombies. All the flippant teasing in Cloverfield and fussy preaching in Diary of the Dead made realize that I still prefer my horror films the same way I prefer my alcohol. Nothing is wrong with a fruity concoction of exotic mixtures shaken and stirred in a loud, trendy bar every now and then, but you really can’t beat the simplicity of a whisky straight up.

Strange and Bizarre Horror Collectibles

previously we looked at some of the coolest horror memoribilia out there. today we continue our look into horror toys, figurines, trinkets and knick-knacks — but with a focus on some of the stranger and more bizarre examples available. you may or may not desire to own these items, but with items like the texas chainsaw massacre christmas tree lights and the freddy krueger yo-yo, each should surprise you simply by their very existence.

jason goblet
price: $2.99

why would a goblet need protective face gear? and what is that on the base… it kinda looks like it’s sitting in dog feces. with the three dollar price tag, i assume this is made of styrofoam or something as opposed to the metal you’d assume ‘goblet’ implied. which means the first time you put wine in it, all that silver paint will probably flake off and give you some sort of fatal poisoning. i have to get one of these.

pinhead hellraiser teddy bear
price: $14.95

sound in theory, this just doesn’t work in practice. that’s not pinhead as a teddy bear — that’s a teddy bear with weird black sticks hanging out of his face. technically that’d make him ‘black stick head,’ which is not nearly as scary. it’d actually be easier, cheaper and more effective to make your own pinhead bear. all you’d need to do is go here with this. i do like this one’s outfit tho.



chucky cushion
price: $14.99

the price on this item keeps getting marked down as i work on this article… i don’t understand why. who wouldn’t want to rest their head on a deformed and scarred pillow which mildly resembles chucky and has weird ears and an afro?

hanging hellraiser butterball decor
price: $13.99

if there’s one cenobite that you want to be able to hang from your car’s rearview mirror or christmas tree, it’s certainly butterball.



blair witch project kubrick box set
price: $29.50

when blair witch-mania hit, it hit hard. i admit to having a blair witch branded shot glass… and during those couple of months in 1999, i might have also bought the heather, josh and mike lego-esque kubrick figures shown here.

1979 alien cookie jar
price: $99.99

a bit out of my price range, but if i had one of these i’d definitely keep dog biscuits in it. i love the look on the alien’s face here, as if he’s trying to say “hi, look what i got. an egg!”



friday the 13th air freshener
price: $3.95

perhaps the most disturbing part of the description for this friday the 13th air freshner is that it doesn’t tell you what it smells like. ponder the possibilities before moving onto…

freddy trick arm
price: $6.99

a freddy arm! the description lists the arm as ‘full-length,’ which is lucky because anything less simply wouldn’t have served my needs. the box is not included… which is a shame. i like the idea of freddy climbing into a steamer trunk, only to have the lid close and crush his armpit… as depicted here.



cthulhu plush fanny pack
price: $18.74

well, if you must wear a fanny pack…

this would have made a great movie prop for finalgirl.blogspot.com’s latest short-film, the devil’s bum bag.

michael myers mask with hair
price: $34.99

i have seen some crappy halloween masks before, but at thirty-five dollars — this isn’t just a horrible reproduction of the original mask, it’s a rip-off too. also… worst. hair. evar.



freddy matchbox car
price: $5.99

so… piecing the story together just from what i can see here… freddy is fifty feet tall and attacking the springwood boiler maintenance van. wouldn’t that be counter-productive? who’s he gonna call when his pipes stop shooting out mood-steam or he loses one of his sheep behind a furnace?

cthulhu christmas wreath
price: $34.99

cthulhu christmas wreath. ’nuff said.



jason snowglobe
price: $43.99

this is probably the item on this list i’d be most likely to actually purchase. ‘snowglobe’ is an odd market for horror to branch out into, but the result isn’t too bad… and i just realized that the girl looks quite a bit like my fiancée. i don’t know whether that’d make her like it or hate it more if it was in our living room.

jason guitar picks
price: $3.99

i almost want to learn guitar just so i can use these. will they work with rock band or guitar hero?



freddy vs. jason battling game
price: $29.99

even if you ignore the fact that the two combatants seem to be facing away from each other, this just looks ridiculous. like a horribly boring version of hungry hungry hippos… with really fat hippos.

freddy yo-yo
price: $6.99

i never fully understood the marketting for a nightmare on elm street. while i imagine there are adults who like yo-yos, this is obviously primarily aimed at children… children who want a yo-yo branded with a burnt, psychotic child molester/murderer’s image? is that a big market? i say this knowing i would have bought it if i’d seen it when i was 13… so i guess the answer is ‘yeah.’



japanese freddy plush doll
price: $49.99

we all know the japanese are weird with their karaoke bars and host clubs and used panty vending machines… but this is going a bit far. a cross-eyed freddy krueger doll that wears a blue sweater and a pirate hat? blasphemy.

michael mask in a bottle
price: $9.00

who wouldn’t want an itty bitty michael myers mask in a jar? that can (as the description informs us) be filled with water. the description also says that this is a “gotta have” for michael myers fans. count me in.



jason spitballs
price: ???

i couldn’t actually find these for sale anywhere. that’s too bad, cuz… well… look at ’em. friday the 13th spitballs… that possess a “scary 18 foot squirt!” i like that they actually took the care to put the proper cut mark in the hockey mask… but the look on the victim’s face cracks me up.

jason matchbox car
price: $5.99

i can’t really see what the truck says on it, but i assume it’s a camp crystal lake counselor vehicle. unlike the freddy version, the story here obviously makes sense… a fifty foot jason voorhees is attacking counselors. that, or a normal size jason is attacking 5-inch tall counselors. i’d readily watch either one.



horror candle set
price: ???

i don’t really understand how you use this. is every one of these things a separate candle? so five candles… a hockey mask, an arm, a leg, a chainsaw and an axe. jason doesn’t really use a chainsaw, so i don’t completely get that one… but this hardly looks like an officially licensed product anyway.

saw 400% be@rbrick
price: $59.99

ok, i was just getting used the whole ‘kubrick’ thing (the lego-type figures)… but now it turns out there’s a whole other subdivision of them, where the characters are bears… known as be@rbricks. i thought saw was a pretty good movie, but i’m not sure i’m prepared to spend sixty dollars for a blocky saw puppet with bear ears. and yes, even if it glows in the dark.



custom nike jason sneakers
price: ???

as a teen unfamiliar with what females actually found attractive, i absolutely would have worn these high top sneakers, had they existed in 1990. hell, on the right occasion, i might wear them now.

monster freddy doll
price: ???

ok, here’s another unlicensed piece-of-crap depiction of a sexual predator marketed to children. it’s obviously freddy krueger, but they changed the color of the sweater. although they got at least one color right, and his eyes are relatively straight, so they’re a step ahead of the japanese doll seen earlier.



camp crystal lake room rolls
price: $21.59

this is the worst officially licensed product on this list. mainly because there’s no reason for it to be licensed. i suppose you put this on your wall to give the illusion of you being at camp crystal lake… but there’s no camp crystal lake sign, no jason hiding behind a tree (unless he’s really well hidden), or even a creepy reflection of a hockey mask in the water… there’s just some trees and some water. that’d hardly make it the crown jewel of your horror memorabilia collection. the description even hints to such as it clearly states “combine with other jason products (sold separately) for the perfect scene.”

friday the 13th and texas chainsaw christmas lights
price: $34.95

i greatly desire to see a christmas tree decorated solely in these lights. perhaps a nice lament configuration or pinhead figurine up on top? after all, he’s a demon to some, angel to others



Frontier(s) – Horrorfest 2007 Follow-up

one of the better trailers i’ve seen in a while was for the UK release of the french film frontier(s) (see video on the right). it was finally released here on dvd last week, so i rushed out tuesday and picked up a copy. i was a little surprised to see the dvd packaging… it’s very clearly identified as one of the “8 films to die for” and part of horrorfest 2007. the packaging is exactly the same as the eight films i reviewed last month. so, it appears there are now nine films in the eight films to die for series this year, which is causing me some minor degree of confusion. do they believe horror fans cannot count? are they going to release another film next month… and then another and another, in the hopes that we won’t notice and will just keep buying them saying to ourselves “well, i have the other seven, i better get this one too?” if so… that’s marketing genius.

a far less plausible explanation is the official one… frontier(s) could not secure an R rating and was removed from the original octuplet to be released separately later. that still doesn’t explain why the packaging includes it as one of the “eight,” but i am willing to let it go — and i will tell you why.

this is a kick-ass movie.

if this had been released in the original 2007 horrorfest line-up, it would have easily been the best of the eight. the film excels in most areas, lacking the most in the “originality” department (but who said originality was so important?). the story is familiar… a group of criminals on the lamb stumble into a something much, much worse than prison (e.g., from dusk ’til dawn). a strong female lead suffers through numerous unspeakable experiences (e.g., haute tension, hostel 2) at the hands of an inbred family (e.g., texas chainsaw massacre, the hills have eyes) determined to torture and/or kill and/or impregnate her (depending on where you are in the narrative), leading to a conclusion involving her fighting back while losing most of her sanity along the way (e.g., pretty much all of the afore-mentioned films). the tone and feel of the film are most similar to the two most recent texas chainsaw films (going so far as to include the “forced to have dinner with the insane family” sequence) and the hills have eyes remake, which is not all that surprising since the latter is directed by alexandre aja whose haute tension started the current gore trend in french horror. like haute tension, this is a vicious film which refuses to hold anything back and leaves nothing to the imagination… which basically means it was awesome.

the only possible criticism is that frontier(s) is never quite as good as the films it so unabashedly steals from. the ‘final girl’ is given little characterization, making identifying with her difficult. the psychotic family members are never quite as creepy as they could have been (with the possible exception of the nazi-crazed father). that said, the good aspects far outweigh any bad. the film is overflowing with style and often leaves you with that wonderful feeling i first felt when seeing the original texas chainsaw massacre… that perhaps the filmmakers don’t have your best interests at heart, and maybe entertaining you isn’t their primary goal. it also features one of the more grotesque deaths i’ve seen involving a table saw, and a head explosion rivaled only by the prowler, maniac and scanners. while its possible not every movie-goer shares my love of exploding heads, in my mind that moment is worth the price of admission alone.

The One Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

hannibal lecter once said:

How do we begin to covet, Clarice?
Do we seek out things to covet?
No, we begin by coveting what we see every day.

i humbly disagree. the only thing i can see from where i’m sitting right now is a half full cherry coke bottle and an empty tape dispenser. those aren’t really the kinds of things i’m aching to possess… so i usually need to go out looking for objects of envy. like all genre fans, i collect dvds and books… but one of the more frivolous pursuits most of us horror fans have in common is the love of horror-related toys. i love movie collectibles — my desk and home are littered with things like posable michael myers action figures, a plastic hellraiser puzzle box (or ‘lament configuration,’ if you want to sound all knowledgeable and stuff) and a giant jason voorhees that screeches “ch-ch-ch ah-ah-ah” when you push a button on his back. like all obsessive collectors though, there is always room for more and i often find myself searching ebay and online toy stores for the latest horror chotchke to place on my desk at work or around my tiny apartment. i rarely actually order anything, but i almost always find cool and interesting things that i just can’t quite justify spending so much money on but would buy in a second if there was no longer a need for things like food, shelter, dog biscuits or socks. so, that’s what i’m going to share with you today… some of the bitchin’-est models, action figures, replicas and horror-related odds & ends i’ve recently run across, so that we may collectively salivate over them together.



the exorcist spider walk regan action figure
price: $16.99

those who haven’t seen the exorcist: the version you’ve never seen (and really, with a name like that there’s likely to be a few) will probably wonder why you have a doll of a 12-year old girl in a night-gown doing a back-bend in your room… but screw it. that scene was freakin’ creepy and so is this figurine.

cloverfield movie monster
price: $99.99

a bit pricey at $100, but damn this toy version of clover is cool. it stands 14″ tall, comes with 10 parasites, the head of the statue of liberty and features ‘authentic sounds.’ i only hope those sounds aren’t what makes up most of the dialogue in the film, which would just be a constant loop of “rob, dude. dude. rob, hey. rob. we gotta go. rob. dude.”



alien pile statue
price: $234.99

ok, like many of items listed here — this defies any description other than “awesome!”

and they’re so cute… i imagine if these guys were your pets, they’d sit in front of the door just like this while you were at work… waiting anxiously for you to come home.

alien 400% kubrick figure
price: $67.49

i’m not sure why these lego-type versions of characters are called ‘kubricks’ (i assume it has nothing to do with stanley), but they sure are adorable. most are rather small, but this one stands almost a foot high and is based off the original giger designs for alien. this would make a terrific present for any adult sci-fi/horror fan… or a really crappy one for your five-year old nephew.



alien 18-inch classic figure
price: $49.99

ok, i’m completely getting one of these when they’re released. so few of the alien toys feature the clear dome skull (most go for the crinkly, less interesting heads used in cameron’s film). at 18-inches tall, this guy will be able to do mock-battles with my giant new blood jason voorhees, which is a big plus.

alien warrior life size replica
price: $4500.00

ok, i’m completely not getting one of these… but not for a lack of desire. the price is a bit out of my range, but holy god… when people came over to your place they’d either think you were the coolest guy in all the land… or the creepiest.



movable lament configuration
price: $419.00

one of the disappointments of owning a hellraiser puzzle box is that it’s never going to move around and make all the crazy shapes it does in the movie, nor will it open a doorway to hell. the latter is probably ok, but the former would be frickin’ awesome… well, this box comes the closest in that it will actually make the first two moves of the puzzle. hand-crafted from mahogany and etched in brass, it’s rather amazing looking as well.

puzzle box signed
price: $129.99

i’m quite fond of this box because while it may not move, it does come in the nifty display case… which would really be the only way to display it in your home. get a couple of them like dr. channard did in the film and display them next to a bloody mattress for added creepiness.



hellraiser paperweight
price: $19.99

for the budget-minded or those looking for a more modern take on the classic lament configuration, here’s a clear version. it seems to have the words ‘hellraiser’ printed on it though, which i’d prefer it didn’t.

frank figure
price: $13.99

who wouldn’t want a tiny skinnless frank in a suit, and it appears to come with frank’s trademark cigarette and switchblade as well. now if they’d only make a ‘frank strung up on hooks & chains emanating from the depths of hell’ christmas tree ornament, i’d be set.



dr. channard statue
price: $239.99

i don’t know that dr. channard was one of my favorite characters, but those tentacles coming out of his hands making flowers and razors and stuff were pretty cool. as far as mobility, he’s sorta limited by this tentacle thing attached to his head leading him around which sorta makes him hell’s yo-yo, i guess — but he’s still pretty cool.

brundle-fly statue
price: $194.99

of all the tiny statues of jeff goldblum that are out there… this is the one to have.



american werewolf 2-pack
price: $22.49

i have wanted this toy for over 20 years now… i absolutely love the design of the werewolf in an american werewolf in london, but he’s never been in toy form before. i was so disappointed when i heard years ago they’d released a figure from the film and it just ended up being one of those nazi guys from the dream sequence — what were they thinking? anyway, they finally did it right and created a werewolf/meatloaf jack two-pack, which i promptly accidentally let my fiancée know was something i couldn’t live without. inspired by pure love, i’m fairly certain that she rushed out and pre-ordered it for my birthday… over a year ago. the release date has been pushed back more times than i can remember, but i am certain that it will arrive in time for one of my birthdays in the coming years.

american werewolf life-size prop
price: $5500.00

if i won a million dollars, this would be the first thing i’d buy. not a car, house or speedboat… this. i’d sit it next to the couch and use it as an arm rest and sit my soda in its mouth… and see how many years it’d be before my dogs (and possibly my fiancée) came out from hiding under the bed.



dog soldiers figure
price: $6.93

while not as cool as the above werewolves, i quite liked the dog soldiers design as well. and at 5,493 dollars and 7 cents cheaper than the previous item… it’s quite the bargain.

trilogy of terror zuni figure
price: $88.00

while most toys are a pale imitation of what they’re based on, it’s not all that hard to make a doll version of a doll… so this is an almost perfect version of the tiny, angry dude from the 70s made-for-tv-movie. if this was sitting on my bookcase i’d have to install motion sensors in the living room to be able to sleep. just in case.



the new blood scream scene statue
price: $179.99

jason in friday the 13th part 7 has always been my favorite incarnation of the crystal lake killer. i have two figures based on him already, but i’d be happy to have another showing how he begins the film… still trapped at the bottom of crystal lake, bobbing around like a fish aquarium treasure chest.

bag head jason figure
price: $14.99

scary bag-head jason is scary. i really need to pick one of these up sometime so that i have a itty bitty version of the creepiest version of jason voorhees.



jason plush
price: $27.99

plush jason is just way too cool for school. i actually couldn’t resist and ordered one of these while working on this article…. he’s just so cute!

jason animated maquette
price: $80.99

friday the 13th: the animated series is just too fabulous of an idea to ever actually exist in our reality. this statue is likely as close as we’ll come to seeing it.



silver shampain final chapter mask
price: $110.00

these masks seem to be the best compromise between quality and price that i’ve found. this site offers versions of jason’s mask from every film… i’m seriously considering getting a final chapter or new blood one from this site or the next one.

ruste dowg new blood mask
price: $170.00-$200.00

this site also offers masks from every film and more variations as well. these seem to be higher quality than those on the previous site, and the price reflects that. another option is ordering a mask from frightstuff.com and painting it yourself… or hiring one of the artists in their forums to paint it for you, which is where i found ruste dowg’s site.



ultra cthulhu statue
price: $224.99

who wouldn’t want a statue of one of ‘the great old ones’ on their mantle? standing 14″ tall, this is probably significantly smaller than the actual cthulhu, but looks fantastic regardless.

freddy krueger glove replica
price: $134.99

i’ve never loved freddy quite as much as jason or michael, but i have to admit that the glove is rather stylin’. far more realistic and menacing than the golf glove/plastic knife/duct tape combo i created in middle-school, this thing would look great in the living room or stuffed in your basement furnace.



texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning set
price: $24.74

you would not want this out when the in-laws stopped by. few of these toys are truly grotesque, but this one breaks that trend by being just as disturbing as the scene it was based on. i’m not sure i’d actually want to own this, but i have to admit it makes an impression and is making me want to go back and revisit the film.

day of the dead dr. tongue figure
price: $16.18

apart from the american werewolf, this is the toy i always dreamed of… but never thought would actually get made. dr. tongue is my favorite zombie of all time, but he’s only on-screen in day of the dead for five or six seconds. based on some of savini’s most imaginative work, this is the next action figure i’ll end up ordering… just as soon as it’s released later this year (or, if it follows the release schedule of the american werewolf figure, sometime around 2014).