Play The Mist for Me

stephen king’s the mist hit dvd this week in a regular single disc and a two-disc collector’s edition. i would overwhelmingly recommend getting the latter as the second disc contains the entire film as frank darabont originally intended — in black and white.

i’ve seen the film both in color and black and white and i’d suggest watching the b/w version to both those new to the film and those that saw it in the theater. it’s a completely different experience without color. i personally never had a problem with the majority of the creature effects in the film, but those that did will find that the creatures are more convincing and altogether creepier in this version.

the color version of both dvds features a commentary from darabont that has largely changed my opinion on the controversial ending to the film. originally i liked the ending but had a few issues with it… now i’m almost completely in the “i love the ending” camp. he explains his rationale for it and reminds readers that there is a passage in the original book which points to this being the logical conclusion to the story. i won’t ruin the ending here, but feel free to spoil it in the comments section as i’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on it.

in any case… if you haven’t seen it, i’d suggest you pick it up or throw it in your netflix queue. if the latter, here’s a link to the 2nd disc with the black and white version on it. it doesn’t specify that it’s included there, but it is. unfortunately the commentary is only on the first disc… so commentary fans may want to queue both up.

Scarecrows (1988)

corey’s thoughts…

before we get to anything else… let me state a fact. scarecrows are freakin’ awesome. it’s a shame that they don’t appear in horror films more often and that when they do, they’re usually used ineffectively (yes, i’m looking at you, hallowed ground). the wizard of oz gave us the world’s most famous scarecrow, but horror is really where they belong. how many other agricultural tools primary function revolves around the ability to instill fear? zero. unless this thing cuts corn.

that said… the only thing more awesome than scarecrows would obviously be scarecrows in the 1980s, which brings us to this month’s selection in the final girl film club (see lots more about scarecrows there).

i admit it — i have a super-sized, two decade old crush on the movie scarecrows. i loved this movie in 1988 and i love it now, but i’m fully aware that this probably has more to do with when i saw it than the film’s overall quality. i was very excited when stacie over at finalgirl chose it as her film club selection this month. it was released on dvd a few months ago and i’m guessing that most horror fans are experiencing it for the first time since it wasn’t a huge success when it was first released (but has always had a loyal, if small following). if you’re seeing it for the first time now, then you will probably like the film but not fully understand why someone might lavish it with extraordinary praise and affection… but hopefully you can indulge my nostalgia-induced infatuation with this film as we take a closer look at it.

first of all… let’s look at the box cover. when i was 13 years old, browsing the local horror section at ‘video vision’ (located next door to the ‘food lion’ near my house), i distinctly remember first seeing the box for scarecrows. above and on the left is the vhs cover that i recall so vividly… on the right is the far inferior new dvd cover art. i can’t quite figure out exactly why the vhs cover is so effective… but i remember thinking “wow, that is one scary looking over-sized vhs video cassette sitting there, my friend. that movie will probably scare you so bad you’ll end up sleeping in the dryer.” maybe it’s the smoke in the background, the just slightly too-human looking face on the scarecrow or the fact that you can just tell that no retouching was done to it (it’s just a simple, unmanipulated photo), but that cover freaked me right out. i highly doubt the stylized “crows flying away from a ufo landing” dvd cover would have the same effect on a 13 year old me. i also think it has something to do with anticipation (something the movie expands on). in the original cover the scarecrow is just hanging there, but it seems like at any moment it could start moving, climb off that cross and come eat your liver… even though logically you know scarecrows don’t do such things. in the dvd cover the scarecrow is already walking around, machete raised high. while i will concede a moving scarecrow with a machete is more dangerous than an immobile scarecrow without one… the active scarecrow isn’t scarier because he’s already shown his hand. you know what he can and can’t do. fear comes from the anticipation of something creepy happening, not in the event itself.

i didn’t rent the movie the first time i saw the box… like texas chainsaw massacre at the time, i wasn’t sure i was ready for the terrors contained within that little plastic case. a few weeks later though i mustered some bravery and paid my $1.99 rental fee. and while i didn’t end up in the drier, my jeebies were appropriately heebied. the movie starts off with that same damn scarecrow from the cover that freaked me out, intercut with the credits. the camera moves slowly towards the scarecrow which, given how creepy he looks, wouldn’t be my choice of trajectories if i was there. the credits look rather similar to the the exorcist and the steady, somber music lets you know they’re not playing this one up for laughs — this scarecrow’s hardcore and is gonna fuck some people up.

the plot of the film is incredibly simple. a bunch of bad-ass military folks steal a bunch of money from a military base and hijack a private plane (along with the pilot and his daughter) and take off for mexico. one of the thieves double-crosses everyone and parachutes out of the plane with the money over a farm. the other thieves chase him down in an attempt to get the money back, but unfortunately this farm is inhabited by 3 animate scarecrows who like removing people’s body parts without permission. lots of people die in nasty ways and then the credits roll.

the film was directed by william wesley (which an imdb search reveals is also known as jose rolando rodriguez). i couldn’t find much information on wiliam/jose except this rather cryptic exchange on his imdb message board…

question: is william wesley still alive?
answer: i don’t know if he’s still alive but he had some serious problems in the mid-90s when i knew him.

you would think the combo of silly concept meets first time director who uses a pseudonym would result in a horrible film… but not in this case. somehow this film manages to create a taut, well-executed horror film from the strange blend of killer scarecrows, a creepy location and ultra-80s fashion. that’s about as close as i’d like to come to reviewing the film (you can find that elsewhere)… instead i’m just going to draw your attention to some of the more memorable aspects of this film.

made at exactly the time the mpaa was being particularly unreasonable towards violent content (e.g., the ridiculous amount of cuts required for friday the 13th part VII to secure an R rating, made the same year), scarecrows is surprisingly violent. whether it escaped the mpaa’s wrath because of its supernatural slant and low-profile or because the dvd release has incorporated missing footage… i’m not sure. in any case, there is some truly grotesque stuff here, most of which works because it hits you at such a visceral level. the gutting of a re-animated soldier (who has been hollowed out and stuffed with straw and money) is particularly cringe-inducing, but the kill that made me jump the most is shown in the video above. it’s a very simple effect achieved through misdirection and editing, but incredibly effective. the long, static shots of the scarecrows afterwards exemplifies the same tone and mood that the whole film exudes from beginning to end.

one thing i remember really liking when i first saw scarecrows was the frequent use of night-vision. maybe because its use in film wasn’t very common yet (i.e., pre silence of the lambs)… i found that green filter to be very effective in conveying “these are some hi-tech army dudes with state-of-the-art weaponry.” odd how something as simple as basically covering the lens in colored saran wrap could create such a profound effect in the 80s.

in 1988 i thought scarecrows was an ultra-realistic portrayal of the military. looking at the film now, either the military was very different then or, more likely, i was a moron. the hair… that girl’s makeup… those radio-shack headsets… that pellet gun… that beard… that red neckerchief. omg, that red neckerchief! and i’m fairly certain that the leader of the military thieves is wearing a single diamond earring in his left ear. i don’t think they let you do that… although, in his defense, they don’t let you steal millions of dollars either and he managed that.

if the neckerchief or roxanne’s perm (the blond soldier chick) didn’t tip you off to the timeframe of the film, there’s another way to very accurately pinpoint a film’s origins in the late 1980s. far more accurate than carbon dating, the presence of rolled jeans is a dead give-away that your film is set in 1989 (+/- 3 years). the pilot’s daughter (with her oh-so-bouncy hair) is sporting a very nicely rolled pair of jordache jeans (see above). if you’re too young to remember (or have unconsciously blocked out the memory of) rolled jeans, please see here.

about half way into the film, roxanne begins touching up her makeup. given that she’s currently standing in a less-sanitary version of the texas chainsaw massacre farm house, is involved in a crime consisting of grand larceny, murder and kindnapping and should really be either watching the kidnapped girl or looking out for murderous scarecrows… vanity seems like it should be lower on her list of priorities. of course, with the film’s focus on how greed and personal self-interest equates with having your spleen removed forcibly — this was probably intentional. still, it’s an odd scene… particularly when roxanne offers the makeup case to her kidnapped prisoner, asking “rouge? it will make you look happier.”

in addition to the utterly creepy mood and pacing of this film, it has some phenomenal pieces of dialogue. one of my favorite occurs during the scene pictured above where one of the soldiers, taking a break from trying to recover his money while avoiding rampaging straw monsters, decides to chow down on some corn-on-the-cob.

soldier: want an ear? best way to eat corn.
girl: get away from me, you cold-blooded bastard.

other great writing examples include…

soldier #1: i think this place is possessed by demonic demons.
soldier #2: your head’s gonna be possessed by the butt of my gun if you don’t shutup.

soldier: all that time you were just jacking us off with sandpaper. kick his ass!

and my personal favorite…

soldier: (referring to scarecrows) they’ll rip your tight little asshole out before you can say que fucking pasa.

one rather refreshing change from the norm is that the monsters here are given no real explanation or consistent motivation. you might think this would be a problem, but it’s really not… i’ve always loved films like tremors where an explanation for the creature is left out because the writers know that no possible explanation would really be satisfactory. here, a few hints are dropped as to the origins of the scarecrows, but ultimately it’s left ambiguous. above are the three “mangy looking guys” who used to own the house (these two shots are shown constantly throughout the film… in one the photo is cracked, in the other it’s not. spooky.). one of the soldiers discovers some “black magic” stuff in one of the rooms and later says “these guys died and no one told them.” apart from that… they’re just killer scarecrows. it’s unclear what they want (sometimes they keep body parts, but mostly they just scare and then kill anyone they meet). even the rules of what they can and can’t do aren’t very clear as they appear to be very physical creatures (explosions can hurt or destroy them), yet they can read minds, mimic voices (and a dog bark), cause out-of-service phones to ring, make decapitated heads talk and turn on/off generators magically. is that a demon, a monster or a ghost? i dunno… but this film plays like a haunted house ride with each scene using whatever rules it wants to be most effective — and for the most part, that works.

the scarecrows certainly aren’t traditional ghosts, as when jack (seen above) is re-animated by the scarecrows and sent back to kills his friend, he is stopped by a wooden door. i don’t know how murderous scarecrows could make a dead body walk and talk… and i don’t know why such a creature would feel the need to put on night-vision goggles over a towel… but the end effect is pretty spooky. i remember being utterly creeped out when curry (the not-dead-yet friend above) is hiding in a locked room and the possessed-jack creature is calmly asking from the other side of the door, “come on, curry. open the door. gee, these fucking things. they’re definitely demonic. you’re not one of them, are you curry? tell me you’re not.” it’s as if jack isn’t fully aware of what’s happened to him or, more likely, it’s just an attempt to drive the already butterfly-net-worthy curry out of his mind.

while my 13 year old self didn’t notice any grand deviations from reality in the film, the much older me picked up on a few. one of my favorites bits occurs at the film’s finale as the last remaining soldier uses a hand grenade to reduce himself and the last scarecrow to their respective bits of flesh and straw. forget the fact that hand grenades tend to make quite a bang and would probably cause quite a bit of damage to a small, 2 engine plane in flight… forget that the pilot of the plane is about 8 feet away and suffers no harm. no, what i noticed was the pilot’s dog. being a dog owner, i know that clapping your hands, opening a soda or thunder from a storm 10 miles away are all things that make dogs scurry away looking for a bed to hide under in a matter of milliseconds. i love this dog’s rather nonchalant reaction to a grenade exploding just a couple feet away…

so, to close… scarecrows rocks my socks, and if you haven’t seen it and you like quirky, moody 80s horror… go rent it or something.

bonus animated gif to make you go “gah!”





Jon’s Thoughts…

I’ll admit that before watching Scarecrows for this Final Girl film club review, I knew very little about the film, aside from its reputation as a cult classic. After watching it, I was instantly intrigued so I did a quick background check on the film’s director, William Wesley, and became even more intrigued. Aside from his 2001 film Route 666, plus a bit part in Showtime’s Red Shoe Diaries and a surprising role as a go-go dancer in the video for Janet Jackson’s 1989 “Rhythm Nation 1814,” this film seems to be Wesley’s only real claim to fame. I’ll wager that Scarecrows probably got lost in that vast 80s sea of so many Kruegers, Jasons, Michaels and other now famous slashers. Horror fans are fortunate that Scarecrows has a strong enough cult following to warrant its 2007 release on DVD. I suppose I could spend the bulk of this review wondering what in the heck happened to William Wesley. There’s a post at his IMDB message board that asks the existentially riddled question: “is William Wesley still alive?” I even thought that he just might be William “Worldwide” Wesley, the famous Detroit-area NBA basketball promoter, but, alas, they’re not the same person, so the world may never know what really happened to Wesley. I am usually not given to this sort of sentimentality, but I can’t help it; this film makes me nostalgic.

The plot of Scarecrows is simple enough, which is to the film’s credit. Scarecrows begins with a team of commandos who steal money from Fort Pennington. They hijack a plane and kidnap its pilot and daughter to make their escape, but their plans go awry when they are double crossed by their fellow commando, Bert, who parachutes from the plane with all their money into the middle of the creepiest farm country you’re ever likely to see. Wesley is able to build an effectively spooky atmosphere with this very simple set. The team’s leader, Curry, then leads the attempt to find Bert and recover the money. Things go from bad to worse as the farm’s scarecrows come to life and have at them one by one.

There’s not much to be said, really, for the plot, but I loved every minute of this film, largely because it made me miss the 80s, the decade in which I really fell in love with film. For instance, I had forgotten how 80s films made EVERYTHING look so glamorous: boardrooms, vampires, and even commandos were all sexy cool.


Roxanne

Jack

Bennet

Fame

Don’t get me wrong. Scarecrow’s Jack and Roxeanne can kick as much ass as Bennet (from 1988’s Commando), but that’s not going to stop them from at least trying to be stylish while going about it. Bennet is one of the creepiest commandos you’re likely to ever encounter, and yet his chainmail reminds me of an outfit you’d find in Flashdance . Jack looks like he’s just come from the 1982 video for “Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. And the conspicuous height and volume of Roxeanne”s hair would make her right at home on the set of “Dynasty” . Even the all-American badass Rambo wore the fashionable red headband as he tore his way through the jungle. Really, the entire tone and tenor of the entire decade began with Allan Parker’s 1980 Fame, a film about passion, sacrifice, and well-used fashion accessories. I like dark and gritty realism as much as the next guy, but sometimes I do miss all that strange and surreal neon-glow of the 80s.

Of course, aside from big poofy hair and handkerchiefs, 80s films were also prone to include morality tales, no doubt in part due to Reagan’s revival of 50s-style cold war rhetoric with its battle lines between good and evil . I’m not at all interested in films that get preachy, but the 80s films were rather complex in their depictions of moral struggle. 80s films such as Scarecrows and 1988’s Pumpkinhead are less explicit than, say, Invasion of the Body Snatchers in depicting a hard line between good and evil, but instead depict a far more ambivalent spirit of vengeance.


Pumpkinhead

As in Pumpkinead, the moral and political concept of “blowback” is a subtext found in Scarecrows. Like the Pumpkinhead creature, the scarecrows are, as Jack overstates it, “demonic demons” that punish you for your particular sins and repay violence and greed in kind. For instance, they stuff Bert with the money he so coveted. They kill the otherwise innocent pilot after he gives into temptation and goes for the money. The message, in other words, is that the 80s might be a decade of high-fashion and conspicuous consumption, but greed is sinful, and the wages of sin are death, or something like that. In addition their drive to punish, the scarecrows mimic the personalities of those who encounter them. They torment Curry by mimicking the voice of his recently killed friend, and, in a particularly nasty instance of irony, they give Jack his beloved harmonica just before killing him. Had the commandos shown up with smiles on their faces and songs in their heart, then perhaps it could have all turned out differently, but, alas, human greed is too powerful.

There is, however, an equally clear redemptive spirit to Scarecrows. Al, the last commando standing, learns his lesson too late to save himself, but soon enough to save the innocent Kellie by sacrificing himself with a hand grenade that destroys the last remaining scarecrow. I love the daring of recent horror films such as the Wolf Creek or the satirically excessive violence of such films as The Devil’s Rejects, but the unabashed clarity and simplicity of Scarecrows was a welcome tonic. Still, the special effects in Scarecrows were as gut-wrenching as anything you’ll likely to see in recent horror films, and serve as a reminder that sometimes the old “less is more” cliché is exactly right.

The allegory in the fact that Roxeanne’s hand is stabbed while reaching for the money is clear enough, just as the fact that Jack is literally blinded as to what’s happening to him, but what makes this film so horrifying is that the scarecrows have a knack for striking your most vulnerable parts. For instance, in one scene, they repeatedly stab poor Al in the exact same spot in his leg.

This film could have easily devolved into b-grade camp, and the fact that it doesn’t is a real testament to Wesley’s success in directing this film. Not only are the scarecrows the creepiest horror villains I’ve seen in a very long time, the setting is effective, the pacing is appropriately slow without ever seeming to drag, and the soundtrack is moody and suspenseful. I especially like the envelope structure of the film. We begin with a shot of a scarecrow as it slowly zooms in to a close up, while a radio broadcast informs us about the robbery.

At the film’s conclusion, we return to the close up of the scarecrow as the camera slowly pulls back and a radio broadcast tells us that Kellie has barely survived her ordeal. This sounds simple, but the effect is rather chilling. It’s the film’s attempt to return us to normalcy, to restore order, but the implication is that after-effects will likely continue. Shakespeare liked to do something similar at the end of his plays. Fortinbras shows up at the end of Hamlet to restore order to Denmark. But we all know it’s too late and that the violence we’ve just witnessed will stay with us long after we leave the theater. Of course I’m not saying that Scarecrows approaches anything the Bard ever wrote, but it’s fun, scary stuff and an oddly intriguing reminder that I really do miss the 80s.

42nd Street Forever

i quite accidentally came across a dvd series that i think that anyone who reads this site would appreciate. 42nd street forever is a collection of exploitation film trailers from the 60s, 70s and 80s. each of the (currently 3) discs contain trailers for some of the oddest and most spectacularly over-the-top film entries from the horror, sci-fi, sex comedy, action, kung fu, softcore porn and blaxploitation genres. below i’ve included a list of the trailers contained in each volume, as most of the titles convey exactly what you should expect. titles like werewolves on wheels, delinquent schoolgirls, killer fish and 1000 convicts and a woman leave little to the imagination, while others (such as those featuring the ‘n-word’ in the title) are bizarre reminders of less politically correct times.

all three volumes of this series are worth checking out, but i’d suggest paying special attention to the 3rd entry. entitled exploitation explosion, it also features a commentary track from the managing editor of fangoria and two other exploitation experts. their knowledge of the films and the state of the movie business at the time is fascinating and hearing their comments vastly increased my appreciation of the already-very-entertaining collection of trash trailers.

while watching most of these films in their entirety could be quite a painful experience, the trailers are oddly charming and utterly entertaining. there’s a certain art to selling sleaze, and in many cases the trailers are far superior to the films they’re advertising. i’ve included three of the trailers (corruption, teenage mother, and woman and bloody terror) below to whet your appetite…



42nd Street Forever Volume 1: The Undertaker And His Pals, Flesh And Blood Show, Women And Bloody Terror/Night Of Bloody Horror, I Dismember Mama/The Blood Spattered Bride, Corruption, The Butcher Of Binbrook, Ginger, Italian Stallion, Creampuffs, The Three Dimensions Of Greta, Hard Candy, The Centerfold Girls, Panorama Blue, Wicked Wicked, Teenage Mother, Charlie And The Hooker, Matango, The Green Slime, Destroy All Monsters, The Crippled Masters, Werewolves On Wheels, The Pink Angels, The Depraved (a.k.a. Exposed), They Call Her One Eye (a.k.a. Thriller), Maid In Sweden, Behind Convent Walls, Secret Africa, Shocking Asia, Chappaqua, Welcome Home Brother Charles, The Legend Of Nigger Charlie, Boss Nigger, The 44 Specialist, The Bullet Machine, Death Drive, The Raiders Of Atlantis, Star Crash, Confessions Of A Summer Camp Counselor, Sunset Cove, Superfuzz, Death Will Have Your Eyes, Death Has Blue Eyes, A Black Veil For Lisa, Ironmaster, The Deadly Spawn, The Rape Of The Sabines and The Devil’s Nightmare.

42nd Street Forever Volume 2: …Tick…Tick…Tick, Amazons Of Rome, Black Samson, Born Losers, Burnout, The Clones, College Girls, The Curious Female, The Dark, Deadly Blessing, Delinquent Schoolgirls, Dirt, Dixie Dynamite, Dragstrip Riot, The Evictors, The Evil, Female Jungle, The Giant Gila Monster, Gigantis: The Fire Monster, The Guy From Harlem, Helga, The Hellcats, Hells Angels On Wheels, The Hideous Sun Demon, I, A Woman, Invitation To Ruin, Kenner, Kiss The Girls And Make Them Die, The Last Of The Secret Agents, Mission Mars, Mister Billion, The Monster Of Piedras Blancas, Ms. 45, Murders In The Rue Morgue, Pick-Up, The Pom-Pom Girls, Rabid, Revenge Of The Gladiators, Revolt Of The Slaves, Rolling Thunder, Samson And The Slave Queen, Savage, Savage Sisters, Spy In Your Eye, Stingray, Street Girls, Sugar Hill, Take A Hard Ride, The Babysitter, Trunk To Cairo, Van Nuys Blvd., Wild Rebels, and The Woman Eater.

42nd Street Forever Volume 3: Sudden Death, The One-Armed Executioner, Jaguar Lives!, Enter the Ninja, Lightning Swords of Death, Five Fingers of Death, The Stranger & The Gunfighter, Beyond the Door, Demonoid, The Night Child, Devil Times Five, Patrick, Jennifer, Phase IV, The Uncanny, The Pack, Alligator, Killer Fish, Shark’s Treasure, Blood Beach, Hot T-Shirts, Cheerleaders Wild Weekend, Summer School Teachers, GORP, King Frat, Prison Girls, 1000 Convicts and a Woman, Chain Gang Women, The Penthouse, The House By The Lake, Night Call Nurses, The Young Nurses, Candy Stripe Nurses, The Life and Times of Xaviera Hollander, Happy Hooker Goes to Hollywood, Survive, Guyana: Cult of the Damned, Seven, Savage Streets, High Ballin’, From Noon Till Three, Lies, Tattoo, Scorchy, and Convoy.


corruption

teenage mother

women and bloody terror

A Nightmare on Elm Street: 10 Pointless Observations

there’s really nothing i could say about a nightmare on elm street within a traditional review framework that would be new or interesting. the last thing anyone needs is another long diatribe about how important this film is or yet another pseudo-intellectual sociological explanation of how freddy is actually just a metaphor for the ramifications of child neglect (or, in the case of the first sequel… a blatant metaphor for repressed homosexuality). you’ve already been there, done that. i’m certain you know every velvety layer of subtext in the film so well that you use them as bedsheets, so i need to approach this from a different direction. top 10 lists are always a hoot, but it needs to be something you haven’t already seen a thousand times… so, instead of top 10 freddy kills or top 10 freddy one-liners… i give you top 10 pointless and irrelevant observations corey made while rewatching a nightmare on elm street earlier this week.



1. in the opening credits, when freddy is building his iconic (although rather impractical) fashion accessory, it clearly shows a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. did freddy wear glasses or are these from one of his victims? given all his victims were children, they seem a bit large to be the latter. if the former, i’d think he’d have better taste…

2. throughout the entire movie, heather langenkamp has a distracting pimple on her forehead. it changes size from scene to scene throughout the film, but my favorite bit was where they covered it up at the sleep disorder clinic with an electrode. facial blemishes are par for the course in your teen years so i don’t mean to make fun, but once you notice it’s there… you’ll find yourself keeping track of it in each scene, whether you intend to or not.

3. in this scene, nancy falls asleep at school and her classmate’s reading of hamlet takes on a creepy feel as he begins whispering the words. this was very effective years ago, but now all i can see is how horribly “1980s” that hair and shirt is. if you wore that today i think you might actually cause a rip in the space/time continuum, turning back time 20 years in, at least, the immediate vicinity.

4. at one point nancy goes to sleep, leaving her boyfriend to watch over her. while in the “dream world” she yells “hey, boyfriend guy — are you still watching?”… and he steps out from behind a tree and says “yeah, so?” this is all fine and good… but in ‘reality,’ what actually happened here? nancy is laying in her bed and johnny depp is sitting in a chair next to her. did sleeping nancy suddenly start yelling in her sleep, and johnny depp answered her unsurprised?

5. in this scene, nancy’s mom asks the sleep disorder specialist what dreams really are. his reply? “mysteries. incredible body hocus pocus.” i would slap any doctor that answered a medical question with the phrase ‘hocus pocus,’ but that’s not what i found interesting about this scene. this time through i noticed that the doctor has chosen a rather interesting photo to put next to the monitoring station. why would anyone want a photo of gigantic cats riding on a trolley? i don’t think furries existed in the 1980s (in san francisco or anywhere else). if only that was true now.

6. anybody have any idea who that is and why the thompsons would have a framed painting of him? looks kinda like nostradamus, but my bet is it’s some early philosopher who wrote about dreams. or a really bad painting of nancy as a baby.

7. a vulture with a tie? some sort of half naked hawaiian demon doll? a decapitated muppet? the official mr. evil moon face throw pillow? i’d have crazy dreams if this stuff was in my room too.

8. johnny depp’s dad doesn’t really seem to have a lot of fashion sense in general, but what’s with that necklace? that looks like some sort of ‘inner sanctum of xenu’ scientology symbol or a gold-plated version of a travel game you’d buy for your kids while on the way to beach.

9. this one is pretty noticable, but i’m going to point it out again. nancy calls her dad at 12:10am and says “come wake me up in 20 minutes. that will be exactly 12:30.” she sets her watch timer for 10 minutes, starting at 12:20. the issue i have is what happens between 12:10 and 12:20. according to the film, it appears that nancy rigs the entire house with booby traps comprised of very complicated parts (drilling holes in light bulbs, removing gun powder from shotgun shells)… none of which are familiar to her since she’s following directions from a book. after setting the house up as death trap, she still has time to sit by her mom’s bed and have a heart-to-heart. that’s one busy 10 minutes.

10. did you know that for years freddy krueger’s glove was hidden in a furnace next to a tapestry of dogs playing pool? well, now you do.

11. (bonus observation) i’m sure you remember the final shots of the film — we see three girls jumping rope singing the care-free freddy rhyme, we cut to a shot of the mom getting pulled through a tiny window, we cut back to the girls jumping rope. now, i’ve always thought it was funny how incredibly fake the mother’s body looked here… but this time through i noticed that while the girls jumping rope are in the exact same positions, the rope-holders actually switch places in the two seconds it takes the mom to oh-so-realistically re-enter the house. ah… an irrelevant continuity mistake. truly a pointless observation, so fully deserving of the top spot on this list.

Jon’s Haiku Reviews

I admit that I’m really an old-fashioned kind of guy. I listen to the radio, I teach poetry using an old-fashioned chalkboard, and I even get most of my news from the newspaper. Some days, I feel like an analog fossil. So I’ve been racking my brain about how to reconcile my love of all things linear and static with the expediency of blogging in a fast-paced, hyperlinked Web 2.0 world. And I think I’ve found the solution: haiku. It’s an art form that is perfectly suited for combining the durability of print with the ephemeral nature of digital media. I am therefore presenting my first of many “haiku reviews” of contemporary horror films. I’ve got a substantial backlist of films that I’m eager to review, but I’m happy to take any requests left in the comment field.



Michael needs a hug
after killing dad. He’s still
evil on two legs.
Halloween (2007)
Special forces dad
turns tables with dogs and bow.
In woods, bullies die.
Wilderness (2006)
“They all taste the same”?
Cheerleaders, convicts, who cares?
Andre is boring.
Johnny Cash sings. Hell
has no room. Zombies are back,
better than before.

Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th (part 2)

my previous field trip through the mysterious world of friday the 13th fan art at deviantart.com was so much fun, i thought i’d share a few more examples i found. with no further ado, i present you with part 2 of our continuing coverage…



Jason Kitty
by ~ LadyManka

the artist states that this is jason as a “maine coon cat.” having never seen one, i can’t say for sure… but i somehow doubt a maine coon cat is blue. also, my friend cara asks… is that the blood of a victim or is jason having some sort of sanitary problem?

Jason’s New Look
by ~ FreddyJasonV

given the direction the series is headed in (i.e., uber-jason from jason x and black slug jason from jason goes to hell), this may not be such a far-fetched idea for how jason will look in the next movie.

Pretty In Pink
by ~ Cheetana

jason wouldn’t be a blonde.

Miss Jason Voorhees
by ~ pinkz5

ah, that’s better. well, actually this isn’t supposed to be jason… according to the artist’s comments, this is “jason’s hott wife.”

Darth Voorhees
by ~ ZZoMBiEXIII

this is still a better idea than casting hayden christensen.

The Masks We Wear
by ~ agonistes666

i kinda like this — particularly the eye. it seems to be saying “hey! what are you doing looking at me! there’s some really amazing crap over to your left!”

Jason Voorhees
by * lerms

this was created for the baja international film festival. in addition, it kinda kicks ass.

JASON
by ~ THEvoorhees

note the mustache. and i’m really enamored by the fact that ‘grunt’ needed its own word bubble.

Stripper Jason
by ~ JesseSchwarzenfornia

i think the fact that this didn’t phase me a bit means i’ve been looking at this stuff far too long.

Jason Love
by ~ Jason-Voorhees-Fans

check the artist’s self-critique in the bottom left corner.

Jason’s little treasure
by * Genjibunbun

from the author’s comments… “before you get all weirded out, it’s not a sexual relationship (for obvious reasons). ”

before i get weirded out? that train has already left the station, my friend.

Dance of DEATH
by ~ zarla

i really like this piece. in addition to a certain undefinable adorable-ness, it made me lol.

Down Time – Ynnep
by ~ Hack-N-Slash-Club

if you imagined freddy impregnating jason, you’d probably think that this a completely original, albeit bizarre, idea. sadly, you’d be wrong.

Jason Krueger 2.0
by ~shadow-rider2

this is what i imagine when someone says “freddy and jason together.” not the situations depicted in the previous few images.

Fan Art Field Trip: Friday the 13th

when you mix fandom and the interwebs, the results are unpredictable. you may end up with a beautiful work of fiction or visual art which transcends the very piece of shared pop culture that inspired it. of course, you could also end up with a crudely drawn depiction of r2-d2 having sex with chewbacca. you take your chances when you delve into the world of fan art, and this is true even with the slasher film genre. i recently took a safari through deviantart.com, using the search term “jason voorhees” as my guide. it turns out our favorite machete-wielding, hockey-obsessed psychopath has served as the muse for hundreds of visual art compositions. below you will find a few examples i found particularly awe-inspiring.



Wolvering vs. Jason
by ~ BurnZig

putting characters from vastly different universes together seems to be a common practice in the fan art sections of deviantart. apparently, so are weird pelvic positions and the misspelling of your favorite characters’ names.

JasonVsVenom
by ~ ShinJason

another marvel character vs. jason, but executed a bit better. my money would be on jason… hey, are those jason’s intestines?

Maskie
by * faillace

wtf? if you had a nightmare the first night you ate peyote and injected lsd into your eyeballs, it wouldn’t be this weird or disturbing.

Fridays Child CAMP
by ~ sicklilmonky

this reminds me of dave mckean’s work, but it’s weird and cool and i kinda like it.

Jason Love
by ~ Tyrine666

it’s almost valentine’s day, and jason needs love too. in the comments section, the artist ponders the question we’ve all asked ourselves… ” Why are sexy/sweet scenes so much easier to do with Jason than with Freddy?!”

3 Kisses for the Horror Kings
by ~ Tyrine666

another valentine’s day image from the same artist, this time with michael and freddy too. i like that jason’s mask can blush.

Jason Voorhees
by ~ data-7-panther-dude

my little jason voorhees pony? well, i think we can safely say no one ever thought of that before.

Jason Voorhees
by ~ customlpvalley

i stand corrected.

is it weird that i find it disconcerting that the the face appears to be jason from part 7 but the outfit looks like part 6?

SlashColored
by * BloodThirstyZompire

yes, that’s michael myers snuggling up to jason in bed.

that is wrong on so many levels.

Contest Entry: Jason Tomato
by ~ CheungKinMen

jason as a tomato. absolute genius.

Head ON a SticK
by ~ SDX-800

lol.

why didn’t i think of this when i was a kid and my sister had all those barbies?

I love you this much
by * Genjibunbun

this is what you’d dream if you did that lsd/peyote thing from earlier.

Voorhees, a Jolly Good Fellow
by * BryanBaugh

i really like this one. i particularly like that jason looks more surprised than anyone else in the picture.

Jason Voorhees
by * Unknown-person

this is my favorite of the fan art i’ve seen so far. this sooooo makes me want to see friday the 13th: the animated series.

Time for a little vote casting

i have a large collection of horror films on dvd, some good… most not-so-good. i even have an entire shelf set aside for “horror-films-i-bought-but-which-look-so-bad-they-just-sit-on-this-shelf-unwatched-until-i-can-muster-the-proper -amount-of-self-hatred-required-to-force-myself-to-sit-through-them.” well, no more. jon and i are going to get through the films on this shelf, but we need your help. below i’ve listed five of these films. all you need to do is vote for the one you’d most liked to read about and jon and i will watch and review it. i’m sure there’s a few diamonds in the rough here… a spattering of quality films hidden on this shelf amongst the garbage. maybe we’ll hit one of those, maybe we won’t. but it should be interesting either way.





Blood Ranch
Four college students and an Iraq War vet, lost on a desert highway, encounter a terrified young woman with a black van on her trail. They survive the ensuing chase but their car doesn’t, forcing them to seek help at a nearby ranch. Only when it’s too late does the group learn that it’s crossed the threshold into Hell! Welcome to the Web, home to a bizarre cult of murderers, perverts and mental defectives, whose sacraments include mutilation, dismemberment, unspeakable sex acts, and slow, agonizing death for all who enter. None of their “guests” have ever made it out alive. Tonight may be different…but don’t count on it.

Cut
It’s been fifteen years since the director of the ill-fated horror flick HOT BLOODED was mysteriously and brutally murdered. Since then, the film has remained unfinished and sealed away. However, a young group of aspiring filmmakers and horror enthusiasts have seized the opportunity to complete the legendary film, and begin to film once again on location. But there was a reason the movie was never finished, and as students begin to disappear, the filmmakers begin to discover why.

H.P. Lovecraft’s The Tomb
A being known as “The Puppetmaster” holds victims captive in a tomb and tortures them.

The Last Horror Movie
A serial killer uses a horror video rental to lure his next victim. What begins as a teen slasher transforms into a disturbing journey through the mind of Max Parry, a mild mannered wedding photographer with a taste for human flesh.

Shredder
At an exclusive, secluded North American ski resort up on Mount Rocky Summit, brutal slashing, severing and beheading on a group of teenagers are taking place and are believed to be the work of a mysterious skier dressed in black.



Video Nasties – Slasher Edition

in our third article covering artwork from the video nasty era, i’m taking a look at slasher films. click images for larger versions. for background info and more covers, check out our previous entries.


historically important but otherwise laughable, this herschell gordon lewis gore classic centers around an insane egyptian attempting to build the perfect woman out of parts attached to girls who are still using them. i’ve seen better covers for this film, but this one has the bravery to ask “what would happen if einstein went on a killing spree in a yellow suit?”

most of these covers use a barrage of small images and inane taglines in a desperate, frantic attempt to attract your attention. this cover goes the opposite route, using just one image and the film’s title… i like it. apparently this is an ultra low-budget spanish giallo featuring lots of disco. as horrible as that sounds, i’ve got to see this movie based on the cover alone.

with a name like the blue eyes of the broken doll, you just know its going to be scary. also known as the house of psychotic women and the house of doom, likely due to distributors thinking the “blue eyes” title just didn’t convey the proper sense of fear. i can’t really tell what’s going on in the bottom two photos, but the top two make this look like it might be a half-decent horror film. also — the yellow eyebrows are freaking me out.

hey! we actually reviewed this film here and here. i much prefer the covers featuring cropsy holding the shears above his head, but as is true of most of the video nasties, this cover is horribly literal. following the what-you-see-is-what-you-get philosophy, this cover presupposes that anyone interested in something called the burning wants to be absolutely sure that they will actually get to see a guy on fire.

oh! i’m glad they decided to go with such subtle cover art. i don’t have photo of the box’s back, but i’m fairly sure the warning mentioned (bottom left corner) will say “warning: holy crap! front cover has a picture of a guy with a freakin’ drill going into his forehead!”

i don’t see any of the same names here, so i’m not sure who the “people” are mentioned in the top blurb. its certainly the same cover designer as the driller killer, so perhaps that’s what they meant. the same red/white/yellow color scheme, the same red text borders… the same odd mention of traversing through “flesh and bone.” unfortunately this isn’t as successful of a cover as i have no idea what it’s supposed to represent. i think that’s an axe, but what’s that reflected in it? a kalamata olive resting on a sea anemone?

this one really reminds me of a “choose your own adventure” book from when i was a kid. the tagline (in the near illegible orange) even kind of sounds like the first page of one… “if you go down to the woods today — you might never get out alive! if you want to go down to the woods today, turn to page 113. otherwise turn to page 39…”

cliff twemlow wrote, starred in and composed the music for this shot on video crime drama. i’ve included it here because while it may not be a slasher film, it certainly looks like one based on the cover art alone. i’m particularly fond of the ‘not for the squeamish’ call-out, the odd use of caps and quotes around “MORE BRUTAL,” and the fact that the quote “more brutal than the long good friday” is attributed to no one in particular.

why indeed.

a little on the busy side, this cover leaves no room for misconceptions. in case the title and image left you wondering if this was an american splatter movie, it lets you know right in the corner there. i’m not sure what the x is doing after the title (unless that’s the rating) and what i really want is that guy to take his razor and carve a little semi-colon up there after ‘celebrating’ in the tagline.

that is a fantastic title font. and i’m not sure this neighborhood would qualify as ‘quiet’ given the reflections in his glasses… looks like it’s a pretty happening place before he converts it to a slaughterhouse. the only other noteworthy thing here is that i’m glad intervision specifies that the video entertainment they supply is recorded before-hand and not actually recorded as you watched it.

great exploitation movie title… but do you think it refers to the killer or the victims? or both? and do you really think the financial status of either relate to the plot?

i’ve always wanted to see torso, but have yet to run across a copy of it. i’ve heard it’s a classic and far better than this cover would lead you to believe. the top half seems straight-forward enough, but what’s with the bottom half and that quote? those are like super-ellipses and parts of just make no sense. “gore and gal?” and are they really trying to attribute that nonsensical quote to variety?

i own this mean-spirited exploitation slasher, and it’s pretty much what you’d expect given this cover. the cover isn’t bad except maybe the narcissistic-ally sized “from hokushin” and the clumsily phrased tagline which appears to include an extra “by bit.”

this is my favorite cover of the batch, for a number of reasons. i love the bloodless claw and the clean, corduroy jacket pulled up over it… i love that the girl appears to have been wearing a table cloth… but most of all i love the simple tagline, “he’s back…” it implies that we should be familiar with the steel claw and shocked at his return… yet this doesn’t appear to be a sequel. there’s something sort of odd and charming about a film attempting to look like a sequel to cash in on a non-existent successful predecessor. or, perhaps the title of this film is actually he’s back… steel claw… a strange title for certain, but no weirder than quantum of solace.

this actually arrived on dvd recently is waiting patiently in my netflix queue for me to get to it. the cover would lead me to believe someone goes car to car at a drive-in and kills everyone with a pirate sword, which doesn’t sound like an easy feat to pull off, so i’m looking forward to it. this one outdoes the driller killer in that not only does it have a ‘see warning on reverse’ notice… it also has a warning on the front. i’m certain on the back it says ‘see warning on reverse’ and also has the same warning printed here, so you could actually get caught for hours in the video store turning the box over and over, caught in a crappy b-movie möbius strip. in BASIC this would translate to:

10 PRINT “SEE WARNING ON FRONT”
20 PRINT “SEE WARNING ON BACK”
30 GOTO 10